Archive for the ‘Leisure Time Humor’ Category

My Chances Of Watching TV Are Remote

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011

This week Big Tent Poetry provides a bunch of word prompts, urging us to use one or more in our poems. I used three of them in my haiku (remote, function, handle) and one in a limerick (remote.)

First, my limerick:

I’m tempted to hide the remote
From my spouse in a closet or coat,
Cuz he flicks ev’ry station
In rapid rotation.
Missing show after show gets my goat.

*****
And now my haiku:

Dysfunctional spouse
Wields remote ADD-style.
Wife can’t handle it.

The Fighter, A Limerick Review

Saturday, January 22nd, 2011

I fought seeing The Fighter for reasons I explain in my limerick review. But I’m glad I succumbed:

The Fighter, A Limerick Review
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I tend to hate films about fighting.
Cuz I cringe at the punching and smiting.
But The Fighter is more
About fam’ly than gore.
So see it. I promise — no biting.

(The Fighter stars Mark Wahlberg, Christian Bale, Amy Adams, and Melissa Leo.)

Sporty Limerick

Sunday, January 16th, 2011

Once again, it’s Limerick-Off time. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

So I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A sports-loving fellow named Lee…

Here’s mine:

Sporty Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A sports-loving fellow named Lee
Had a very bad elbow and knee,
Which he blamed on a fall
Suffered playing pro ball,
But he only knew sports from TV.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity in my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please send me an email requesting the alerts. You’ll find my email address on the upper right sidebar, in the “Author” section just below my Limerick-Offs button. Thanks!

Ugh!

Saturday, January 8th, 2011

My pal Pat McGuire’s latest Unfinished Limerick Contest involves football, the NFL playoffs, and a disgusting-sounding drink called glug.

Since I hate football and would much rather drink tequila than glug, I wrote my own limerick, instead of finishing Pat’s:

Ugh!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

You can’t tempt me with something called glug
In a glass or a cup or a mug.
Plus I hate watching sports
Played on fields or on courts.
So the playoffs? Won’t cheer — I’ll just shrug.

(I won’t be watching The New Orleans Saints play the Seattle Seahawks; or The New York Jets play the Indianapolis Colts; or The Baltimore Ravens play the Chiefs; or The Green Bay Packers play the Philadelphia Eagles. But if you’re a football fan, I hope you enjoy yourselves … and that you don’t lose any big bets.)

You May Say That I’m A Shirker, But I’m Not The Only One

Friday, November 19th, 2010

Now that I’m back from the Lewis Black Comedy Cruise, I’m not making too good an adjustment to reality. You may say that I’m a shirker, but I’m not the only one.

But I never shirk writing limericks:

Oh, please do not think me a jerk,
But I’m not in the mood to do work.
I am spoiled by the cruise —
Want to hang out or snooze.
And I plan to — my self-employed perk.

Our Adventures on the Lewis Black Comedy Cruise

Monday, November 15th, 2010

I am not a cruise person. I hate the sun and I avoid boats and water whenever possible. Plus I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to buffets.

But when hubby Mark and I heard about the Lewis Black Comedy Cruise, featuring comedy greats like Kathleen Madigan, John Pinette, Ted Alexandro, Larry Wilmore, Vic Henley, Dom Irrera, and John Bowman, we couldn’t resist.

Wise decision!

Now even with that superb lineup, I was a little leery. In fact, I wrote this limerick before setting unsteady foot on that ship:

I’ve never attempted a cruise,
So I’m nervous — will need lots of booze.
But I could not resist
Such a great comic list.
I need laughs to get over the news.

But I needn’t have worried. Lewis Black was his usual hilarious self, as were all the other comics. Plus we had a great time with the comedians, who mingled after-hours with the riffraff … I mean, fans.

Here’s my two-verse limerick ode to Lewis Black (I wrote it mid-cruise when Internet connection rates were roughly a gazillion bucks a minute.)

The angry old comic Lew Black
Has a mind that is quite out of whack.
So he offered a cruise
Packed with laughter and booze,
Fulfilling a deep-seated lack.

Yes, Lew had a very strong yen
For more contact with women and men:
Lots of fun-loving folks
Who’d laugh at his jokes
And then trail him till heaven knows when.

And finally, my post-return limerick:

We’re home from a comic sensation:
Lew’s Cruise, filled with laughs and elation.
There’s another next year.
(The thought makes me tear.)
Thank you, Lew. You deserve each ovation.

Oh … and just so you know, Lewis Black isn’t just a comic genius — he’s also a mensch.

Tasty Books

Thursday, October 7th, 2010

Tasty Books (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Please don’t tell me you’re “moved” by a book,
Cuz I surely won’t give it a look.
I love thrillers and wit,
But abstain from chick lit
And spurn texts that explain how to cook.

****

September 6 is “National Read A Book Day.”

Get Thee To Troilus And Cressida

Sunday, July 4th, 2010

If you enjoy Shakespeare performed beautifully in a magnificent setting, don’t miss the Hudson Valley Shakespeare Festival at the Boscobel Restoration in Garrison, New York.

Troilus and Cressida opened July 3rd, and it was terrific.

We started the evening with a delightful picnic on Boscobel’s Hudson River grounds, then moved into the tent for an inventive performance of the baudy, Trojan tale.

Things got even more unusual in the Second Act, which began with a quirky, yet oddly fitting musical number. After the music, the audience members were welcomed to leave their seats temporarily, walk down to the Hudson River, and view the holiday fireworks display that was about to take place across the river at West Point.

Once the fireworks were over, we returned to our seats and the play continued. What fun!

And that brings me to my latest limerick:

Like Shakespeare performed in a tent?
Then see Troilus — it’s time quite well spent:
At the Boscobel joint—
Straight across from West Point.
Please don’t miss it — you’ll surely repent.

The Tenor Of Our Anniversary

Saturday, June 5th, 2010

My husband Mark and I had a wonderful time celebrating our 32nd wedding anniversary on Friday, June 4th in Manhattan. We saw a Broadway play — Ken Ludwig’s hilarious Lend Me A Tenor, which was directed by Stanley Tucci. (There’s more about the play in my two-verse limerick.) We also dined at Nocello and enjoyed attempting to dance the rumba at the Marriott Marquis’ Broadway Lounge.

And now, my limerick:

The Tenor Of Our Anniversary
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Hubby Mark and I partied last night.
(It’s been thirty-two years of delight.)
Saw a great Broadway play.
What a heavenly way
To celebrate marriage just right!

Shaloub and LaPaglia star.
(Both are Tony’s — you know who they are.)
Justin Bartha stars too.
We kept laughing on cue
At Lend Me A Tenor. Har, har!

Limerick Ode To Kathleen Madigan

Tuesday, May 18th, 2010

Saturday night hubby Mark and I went to see Kathleen Madigan perform in New York City’s Gramercy Theatre. It was actually one of two performances that were taped for Madigan’s upcoming DVD.

Kathleen Madigan’s act was hilarious, and her special guest, Lewis Black, was his usual angry/funny self.

Limerick Ode To Kathleen Madigan
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Here’s a gal with the comedy gene:
Surname Madigan, first name Kathleen.
I laughed the full hour.
Not once did I glower.
My fav’rite? Her Oprah routine.

An Unmagical Night of Magic (Limerick)

Tuesday, May 18th, 2010

As I’ve mentioned before, my husband and I recently vacationed in Las Vegas. I’ve already reviewed Cher’s show and Cirque du Soleil’s LOVE via limerick. Well, now it’s time for a far less positive review:

An Unmagical Night of Magic (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

David Copperfield’s show on the Strip—
Neither clever, nor witty, nor hip.
He acted quite bored,
Which is rather untoward.
When in Vegas, avoid him’s my tip.

Mad About LOVE

Wednesday, May 5th, 2010

When I posted my Cher limerick last weekend, I promised more limerick reviews of Las Vegas shows. So here’s my love limerick to the Beatles-inspired Cirque du Soleil show LOVE.

Mad About LOVE
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Once again, I must say hip-hooray
To the wonderful Cirque du Soleil.
It’s spectacle LOVE
Is a few cuts above.
Like the Beatles? Then see it today.

While I’m on the subject of Cirque Du Soleil, hubby Mark and I saw “O,” Mystere, and Zumanity on previous trips. “O” and Mystere were great, but we both disliked Zumanity.

Limerick Ode To Cher

Sunday, May 2nd, 2010

Sorry to have been so quiet lately. I’ve been traveling — family stuff in Dallas, followed by a wonderful vacation in Las Vegas.

Here’s the first in a short series of limerick show reviews:

Limerick Ode To Cher
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The singer and actress named Cher
Looks amazingly good nearly bare.
Her singing is great.
Her show is first rate.
And costumes? Elton John should beware.

Hooked On True Blood

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2010

From time to time, I review a television show, movie, or play via limerick. I wrote this verse after renting True Blood’s first season via Blockbuster and learning that we have to wait a couple of months before the second one becomes available.

Not only do I love this HBO show, I even adore its theme song: Bad Things, by Jace Everett.

Hooked On True Blood (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My latest addiction’s True Blood.
Not the drink, but the cable show, bud.
I watched the first season
And well beyond reason
Need more. Not released yet? Oh, crud!

Ode To “Rabbit Ears”

Sunday, March 7th, 2010

Millions of my fellow New Yorkers are very unhappy today because they can’t watch the Oscars or anything else on ABC. Why? Because their cable company, Cablevision, is having a financial feud with Disney-ABC.

My mother-in-law, for instance, doesn’t know or care who’s at fault. She just figures that for all the money she pays each month, she’s entitled to her nightly dose of Diane.

Ironically, my husband and I have no such problem because we don’t have cable-TV. In fact we don’t pay for TV access at all.

It’s not that we don’t watch television. It’s just that there are other things we prefer to overpay for.

Besides, we get ABC and the other networks plus sundry other stations just fine with a $40 pair of Philips “rabbit ears.” It may
not be an elegant-looking solution. But it sure beats those monthly bills.

And that brings me to my latest limerick:

Ode To Rabbit Ears
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Some New Yorkers with cable-TV
Are freaking — can’t get ABC
And its Oscar show bash,
Though they pay tons of cash,
While our “rabbit ears” get it for free.

Thin-Skinned Plushenko Skating On Thin Ice?

Monday, February 22nd, 2010

As I’ve mentioned before, figure skating is the only sport I enjoy watching on television.

And as much as I was rooting for American skater Evan Lysacek to win the men’s figuring skating gold, I do admire Russia’s Evgeni Plushenko. In fact, I was looking forward to seeing if he could land himself a second gold medal.

But I join many of Plushenko’s fans in being disappointed by his ungracious post-long-program remarks.

After U.S. skater Evan Lysacek took the 2010 men’s figure skating Olympic gold and Plushenko was relegated to silver, Plushenko seemingly put Evan and the other contenders down, saying:

Overall my basic position and attitude is that movement needs to go forward and never stop, never go back. I think people need to do lots of quads.”

As McClatchy’s Gil LeBreton observes:

Because the Russian skater was the only one in the room who does quads, his remarks Thursday night came across as self-serving — sour grapes, unbecoming of a guy who thought he could take three years off from the sport and then dance in and steal the gold medal.

Plushenko, quadruple jump and all, received the silver medal in Thursday night’s men’s figure skating finals. U.S. skater Evan Lysacek, who attempted no quads in his dramatic, near-flawless performance, was rewarded with the gold.

This brings me to my latest limerick:

Thin-Skinned Plushenko Skating On Thin Ice?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Plushenko, your program was fine,
But did not deserve gold, so don’t whine.
Stop implying your quad
Should have earned you the nod.
Evan beat you. His skate was divine.

Limerick Ode To Valerie Harper & More Big Apple Fun

Sunday, February 21st, 2010

I’ve been a Valerie Harper fan dating way back to her years as Mary’s best friend Rhoda in the Mary Tyler Moore Show. And now I’m even a bigger fan, after hubby Mark and I saw her on Broadway this weekend starring as Tallulah Bankhead in Looped.

All I can say is, “Wow!”

Okay, I can say a bit more and have even written Harper a limerick. But first some info: Looped, by Matthew Lombardo, is a very funny comedy about celebrity bad girl Tallulah Bankhead, an out-of-control actress trying to complete her final screen role (Die, Die My Darling).

The play, directed by Rob Ruggiero, takes place in a Los Angeles recording studio and also features Brian Hutchison and Michael Mulheren. These poor fellows are desperately trying to extract one good take from Tallulah, so they can re-record (or “loop”) a single line of dialogue.

Looped is in previews right now at the Lyceum Theatre and opens March 14, 2010.

And now, my limerick:

Limerick Ode To Valerie Harper
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Give Valerie Harper a hand.
She’s in Looped on Broadway and she’s grand.
As Tallulah she’s naughty,
Outrageous, and baudy.
At the end you will cheer as you stand.

Seeing Looped capped off a full and fun day in Manhattan. What else did we do? We walked up Fifth Avenue and wandered around the eclectic Japanese department store, Takashimaya, deciding to save its charming Tea Box restaurant and tea room for another day. Then we moved on to the Central Park Zoo, had drinks at The Oak Bar at the Plaza Hotel, and ate a scrumptious Northern Italian meal at Nocello. (We’d planned to go dancing after the play, but my knee was misbehaving, so we called it an early-for-us night and went home.)

By the way, I highly recommend the Central Park Zoo. People tend to overlook it because it’s so tiny. But it’s very charming, and we especially enjoyed watching one of the polar bears frolic, using a large square of Styrofoam as his floating toy.

The snow leopards, snow monkeys, penguins, and the Rainforest were fun too, as was watching harbor seals being fed and taught tricks.

Super Bowl Sunday Blues

Saturday, February 6th, 2010

This probably sounds un-American, but I never watch football on television … or anywhere else, for that matter. Not even the Super Bowl.

Okay, maybe the half-time show for the musical acts. (I love The Who!) And perhaps a commercial or two, if my husband’s hysterical laughter gets my attention. But that’s it!

Super Bowl Sunday Blues (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I rarely watch sports on TV.
Figure skating is all that I’ll see.
So on Super Bowl Sunday,
I dream about Monday.
Till then, from our screen I must flee.

Vintage Wisdom

Sunday, December 27th, 2009

Are you a Winus Ignoramus? Do wine connoisseurs make you feel insecure? I once felt the same way … until I discovered that NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING, especially when mouthing off about wine.

It’s shocking but true — most wine aficionados are faking it. Sure they toss around savvy sounding terms like oak, bouquet, finish, and jujubes. But trust me — they simply memorized a few words which they lob randomly, confident that they won’t be challenged. Why? Because they’re surrounded by fellow fakers.

You don’t believe me? Okay, here’s the proof. Several years ago some friends invited hubby Mark and me to a blind wine tasting party. These friends, who I sure hope won’t be reading this, were planning their wedding and wanted to find some great, but affordable wine.

The husband-to-be, who fancied himself a wine expert, had spent thousands of hours studying The Wine Spectator in his quality wine bargain quest, while the bride did what most brides do — everything else.

When we arrived for the tasting, we learned that the groom had narrowed his choice down to eight reds and eight whites, each touted as an “excellent buy” and each hovering at the high end of their wedding budget. Our job as two of a dozen guests was to taste and rank each wine “blind.” Then, through some elaborate coding process (I’m pretty sure the CIA was involved) our host would determine the identity of our favorites.

Being a dedicated Winus Ignoramus, I was embarrassed to be included in this group of wine savvy visitors. But I gamely participated, munching on dry crackers between each taste to cleanse my palate. And trying to follow the Wine Snobus Elitus-speak that kept buzzing around the room. “An amusing white.” “A charming red with just a hint of sassafras.” “A disappointing nose.” “Alluring eyes …” No wait, wrong party.

While everyone else sniffed corks and muttered pretentiously, I concentrated on trying to discern red from white. Finally, when each wine had been sipped and ranked, I sighed with relief … until I found out we had to repeat the tasting to double check the results.

The second round was finally over, and everyone anxiously awaited the verdict. Which red had prevailed? Which white had won?

And then a funny thing happened. (Well, funny to me.) With but one exception, everyone had been inconsistent in his preferences. Each person’s Wine List 1 was dramatically different from his Wine List 2. Everyone’s lists …. but mine.

I tried not to gloat. Okay, that’s a lie. A well-rounded tablespoon of gloating and a dash of strutting seemed about right. With just a soupçon of sass … afras.

So that’s when I learned that NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING … especially when it comes to wine. Which is why I’m no longer intimidated by leather-bound wine lists and patrons who pretend to understand them. I even feel free to make reservations in fancy restaurants … without reservation.

And on the appointed evening I stride in, my head and nose held high. Once seated, I give the wine list just a cursory glance. Who needs a list when you know your stuff?

“Le Boeuf Tartare, my dear sir,” I say, “and your finest applejack on the rocks.”

Just kidding — wine connoisseurs only drink applejack with fish.

We Don’t Think We Can Dance, But We Do It Anyway

Friday, November 27th, 2009

Every few years, my husband and I take ballroom dancing classes. We never make much progress, but we do have a good time. Except, of course, for the bruised limbs … and egos.

I’m celebrating our latest lesson attempt with a two-part limerick:

We Don’t Think We Can Dance, But We Do It Anyway
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My husband and I like to dance.
Are we good? Oh no way — not a chance.
I am not being humble
In saying we stumble
And often trip over our pants.

But we’re working on rumba and swing.
Plan a do-over class in the spring.
And to those who might think
That we really do stink,
Just be glad we’re not trying to sing.

UPDATE: Happy International Dance Day! (April 29th)