Do you cringe when people incorrectly use the reflexive pronoun “myself” instead of “me?”
Myself too! (And yes, I was joking.)
Misuse of “myself” is widespread.
It’s an error that people should shed.
To reflexively use it
And often abuse it
May stop you from getting ahead.
Cursing’s Healthy, I Swear (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
New research, Brit experts declare,
Has revealed that it’s healthy to swear.
So you damn SOBs,
No more slamming my ease
With the expletive. Carpers beware!
Happy National Grammar Day (March 4).
Grammar Gripes (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A grammar-fanatic would gripe
To his wife about language, and snipe:
“Your syntax is bad!”
She’d respond, really mad:
“I’ll divorce you if down you don’t pipe.”
A recent Washington Post Style Invitational contest asked us to find a REAL headline in any publication, and “then write a ‘bank head’ that reinterprets the headline or comments wryly on it.”
Here are my entries, one of which got an Honorable Mention. Can you guess which? (The answer will appear “upside down” at the end of this post.)
Obama scoffs at people who call him a ‘socialist’
Socialists file libel suit
Saudi Arabian man arrested for giving out free hugs
“What? I should charge for them?” says Saudi hugger
Adam Levine is ‘People’ mag’s Sexiest Man Alive
People demand second opinion
Meet Magnus Carlsen, the ‘Justin Bieber’ of chess
Hunky Norwegian seeks World Chess, World Chest championships
Strand Bookstore ‘uses sprinklers to evict homeless’
Homeless thank Strand for first shower in years
Jake Gyllenhaal Punches Mirror on Set
In “fairest of them all” title dispute
Kidnapped Girl Found After 19-Year Manhunt
A girl-hunt might have been faster
Apple and Google “Dog Fight”
Pet-lovers stage boycott
Some Doctors Challenge New Statin Guidelines
Claim “whoever did the math must be on drugs”
Beaver steals hunter’s rifle
Pleads self-defense
Rob Ford stripped of key powers
Ford strips in protest, powers hurriedly restored
Belief is more powerful than proof
Prove it!
Dow, S&P close at new highs
Fox News explains why this is bad news for Obama
The Rules for Eating Lunch at Your Desk
Rule 1: Don’t!
Ted Turner wants to go to heaven
Clarifies: “No rush! Heaven can wait.”
Amazon Deforestation Rises
Increased e-book sales will reverse trend, Amazon claims
Chicago woman hopes to turn things around after 396 arrests
The 397th time’s the charm
Robots Allow Doctors To Remotely Advise, Diagnose Patients
Shrug off blame for “epidemic of golf course overcrowding”
Head defends dialect ban in class
Body disagrees
Dog Predicts Polar Bear Pregnancy
Denies paternity
Train Heading to NYC Goes Wrong-Way, Ends Up in Philly Suburbs
Stubborn conductor refuses to stop, ask for directions
McDonald’s restaurant turns to opera to drive out loitering teenagers
“Gounod’s Faust drives those devils out in five minutes flat,” says manager
Dinosaur Fossils Recreated Using CT Scanners and 3D Printers
Had great old time “doing it”
Rep. Trey Radel busted in cocaine sting
Poised to challenge Toronto’s Rob Ford in ’14 mayoralty race
Costco sorry for labeling Bibles as ‘fiction’
Relabels Bibles “sci-fi”
And here (in upside down form) is the entry that received an Honorable Mention:
„ɥsnɹ ou„ :sǝıɟıɹɐןɔ
uǝʌɐǝɥ oʇ oƃ oʇ sʇuɐʍ ɹǝuɹnʇ pǝʇ
:pɐǝɹ oʇ sɐ os ʇnɔ sɐʍ ʇı ‘ɹǝʌǝʍoɥ„˙ʇıɐʍ uɐɔ uǝʌɐǝɥ ¡ɥsnɹ ou„ :sǝıɟıɹɐןɔ
uǝʌɐǝɥ oʇ oƃ oʇ sʇuɐʍ ɹǝuɹnʇ pǝʇ
I love learning about the origin of words and phrases. But sometimes you just have to make things up:
1) In the first draft of Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol,” Ebenezer Scrooge said “Bach! Humbug!” (Dickens despised Bach’s Christmas Oratorio.) But Dickens’ editor was worried about lawsuits and changed it to “Bah! Humbug!”
2) The second chair bass player of a now defunct symphony orchestra fantasized about playing first chair bass and marrying the principal bass player’s wife. When pulling strings didn’t work, he tried a different technique — poison. And that’s how he “got to first bass.”
3) In the early days of Broadway theater, actors had a bad habit of showing up for rehearsals dead drunk. Frustrated directors finally struck a deal with Actors’ Equity, which required actors to arrive at dress rehearsals sober. These final run-throughs were designated “dry runs.”
4) “Your Number’s Up” is a prize-winning tale about a society that murders its citizens on their 86th birthdays. The story climaxes with a revolt by the elderly, who “86″ their would-be killers.
5) Philosopher René Descartes was a boating fanatic with a speech defect. This led him to be credited with saying “Je pense, donc je suis” (“I think, therefore I am.”) Alas, what he really said was “Je punt, donc je suis.” But people were so impressed with what they thought he’d said, that he never bothered to correct them. This paid off in dividends, allowing him to purchase more than a dozen shallow water punts.
6) When people are “down in the dumps,”
They’ve been saddened by life’s little bumps.
But that phrase’s first sense
(Please do NOT take offense)
Was “plunged in what comes from our rumps.”
(I wrote these in response to a Washington Post Style Invitational contest that challenged us to write “bogus stories of the origins of familiar expressions.” You can read the winning entries here. And alas, I didn’t win.)
Alas, “selfie” is Oxford Dictionaries’ international Word of the Year for 2013, beating out shortlisters “bedroom tax,” “binge-watch,” “bitcoin,” “olinguito,” “schmeat,” “showrooming,” and “twerk.”
Picture This: My Selfish Take On “Selfie” (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Oxford’s Word of the Year is a crime!
Choosing “selfie” just won’t ring my chime.
Why not finalist “schmeat,”
The lab-raised fake meat?
For one thing, “schmeat’s” simpler to rhyme.
Limerick Ode To Dictionary Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane
At this moment, I’m feeling quite spurred
To just soak up a new-to-me word.
Lest you think I’m all wet,
I have reasons — don’t fret:
Webster’s birthday’s today, so I’m stirred.
Have you any new words to suggest?
One that’s odd or obscure would be best.
Something wickedly cool,
Like “facinorous.” Who’ll
Help ensure that my word need’s addressed?
****
American lexicographer Noah Webster, of dictionary compilation fame, was born October 16, 1758.
Happy National Punctuation Day (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
When you punctuate, please don’t be rash.
Over-use can turn prose into ash.
And a comma misplaced
Lays your writing to waste.
Mark my words … or your readers shall dash.
(National Punctuation Day is celebrated yearly on September 24th.)
Those Smashing French Language Police (2-Verse Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
“Le Binge Drinking’s” been outlawed in France.
They’re maintaining a very strict stance–
Not against all that drinking.
No! What were you thinking?
It’s their “dump English verbiage” dance.
A new phrase that has Frenchified grace
Must henceforth be used to replace
Such Anglicized words,
Discarded like turds:
“Beuverie express” — drink at fast pace.
I’ll bet you didn’t know that April 18th is Idiom Idiocy Day. How do you celebrate it? By using idioms amusingly in verse, jokes, or short prose.
Limerick Ode To Idiom Idiocy Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow was biding his time
And refusing to get off the dime.
He was dragging his feet
And could not take the heat.
His idiom use? It’s a crime!
Author’s Note: Idiom Idiocy Day is a brand new annual holiday established by none other than MOI. Why? Because it doesn’t exist, and it NEEDS to.
A teachable moment: When committing crimes, be sure to use spell-check:
Nabbed By A Typo (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A man may end up in a cell
Cuz his parking permit had a tell:
There was one extra letter
In “parking.” It’s better
When forging to learn how to spell.
(This is based on an actual news story: A driver in Hoboken, New Jersey forged a parking permit on his home computer. He might have even gotten away with his scam, had he not spelled “parking” as “parkting.”)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s
last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner plus the Honorable Mentions.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, and cleverness. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, you can find some helpful resources listed here.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow who went through a phase…
or
A woman who went through a phase…
Here’s mine:
Limerick Phase
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow who went through a phase
Of using a ton of clichés
Would talk up a storm
And refused to reform,
As he babbled each over-used phrase.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please send me an email requesting the alerts. You’ll find my email address on the upper right sidebar, in the “Author” section just below my Limerick-Offs button. Thanks!
As you can see from this verse, I’m inseparable from silliness:
Inseparable —
ventriloquist and dummy
joined at the quip.
Inseparable —
honeymooning newlyweds
joined at the lip.
Inseparable —
masochist and sadist
joined at the whip.
Inseparable —
gambler and his bookie
joined at the tip.
Inseparable —
compulsive gambler and debt
joined at the Strip.
Inseparable —
the hop and the jump
joined at the skip.
Inseparable —
Jewish moms and their children
joined at the guilt trip.
(Written for Writers Island’s inseparable prompt)
I had such a good time with my Clichéd Limerick the other day, I thought I’d write another:
A Fit Over Fiddles
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I hope you don’t think this a nit,
But cliché buffs should surely admit
That we need to part ways
With certain clichés:
Just how often do fiddles sound fit?
UPDATE: Happy Cliché Day, November 3rd!
UPDATE 2: World Fiddle Day falls on the Saturday closest to May 19.
I’m playing with clichés today:
Clichéd Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I try to think outside the box,
But sometimes those boxes have locks.
And to break myself free
With creative esprit,
I have to be crazy like fox.
UPDATE: Happy Cliché Day, November 3rd!
This limerick was inspired by some patronizing, condescending comments made on a Facebook Friend’s wall:
Dearest Condescending Darling
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear sweetheart, the “darling” address
Condescends and is irksome unless
It’s said by a spouse
Or a lover, dear louse.
For most others, it means to aggress.
(Posted at I Saw Sunday.)
Finesse is the word of the day over at Writers Block Daily. It prompted me to write a limerick and haiku:
Finessing Popularity
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A man with no hint of finesse
Was quite popular. Why? Can you guess?
Neither handsome, nor funny,
The guy sure had money
To spare and was known for largesse.
Finance and finesse
Both begin with the root fin.
End of resemblance?
Somehow I managed to miss National Punctuation Day on Sept 24th. “Shame on me!”
Oh my — I just used an exclamation point! And I did it again!
As you can tell from my limerick, I’m not a big fan of the exclamation point, a/k/a the bang.
STOP YELLING!!!!!!!!!!!! (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Those points that are meant to exclaim
Often bug me. Yes, bangs seem quite lame.
I abuse them, at times,
When excited by rhymes!!!!
But usage that’s spare is my aim.
By the way, it isn’t too late to celebrate National Punctuation Day: NationalPunctuationDay.com is doing it with a punctuation-related haiku contest. (The deadline is September 30th.)
And speaking of contests, the Washington Post is hosting another limerick competition. (As I mentioned previously, I got an honorable mention in their last one.)
Anyway, the Washington Post’s latest limerick contest sounds like a lot of fun. Much like my Limerick-Offs, WP provides limerick lines. However, the WP contest is definitely harder than mine: I provide A-rhyme first lines, while the WP contest offers us B-rhyme lines.
The Washington Post contest deadline is October 4th. Good luck!
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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