Archive for the ‘Holiday Humor’ Category
Monday, January 11th, 2010
Some men send their wives Hallmark greeting cards. Then there’s Dick Kleis of Zwingle, Iowa, who got a bit more “creative” on his wife Carole’s birthday. He spent three hours spelling out a huge love note in 120,000 pounds of “good, soft, gushy, warm” manure. And proving that there’s no accounting for taste, his wife actually liked it, saying her hubby “dung good”.
Attention, dear hubby Mark … and any other man who might be inspired by this story on a birthday, anniversary, or Valentine’s Day: Don’t even think about it!
And that brings me to my latest limerick:
How To Muck Up Gift-Giving
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear hubby, I’d really be miffed
If you gave me manure as a gift.
Now I don’t expect plush
If you ain’t feeling flush.
But dung? Sweet revenge will be swift.
Tags: Carole Kleis, Dick Kleis, Gift Humor, Greeting Cards Verse, Love Notes, Manure Humor, Spousal Humor, Zwingle Iowa
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Birthday Verse, Celebrations Poetry, Family & Relatives Humor, Family Verse, Gift Giving Humor, Holiday Humor, Letter Limericks, Limericks, Marriage Humor, Money & Finance Humor, Relationship Humor, Weird News Snark | 9 Comments »
Sunday, September 13th, 2009
Friday, September 11th was my birthday — one of those traumatizing, ends-with-zero birthdays. So I told my husband Mark that, unless he wanted me to be a basket case on nine-eleven, he’d better plan something good.
So, did Mark rise to the occasion? He sure did, as I describe in this three-verse limerick:
Happy Birthday To Me
By Madeleine Begun Kane
My nine-one-one birthday was great!
Hubby Mark planned a fabulous date:
God of Carnage — fine play —
Four fab stars on Broadway.
Yes, I married a wonderful mate.
The play featured James Gandolfini,
Who did not play a mafia meanie.
Hope Davis starred too
And Jeff Daniels. Woo Hoo!
Marcia Harden’s the fourth. Creds ain’t teeny.
We dined on gourmet Mex cuisine:
Toloache’s the best I have seen.
And we drank and we danced
At two bars. Age advanced?
Well, perhaps … but I felt sweet sixteen.
(Cross-posted on my political humor blog.)
Tags: Aging, Birthday Celebrations, Birthday Limerick, Broadway Verse, Celebrations Poetry, Dancing, God of Carnage, Hope Davis, Husband Wife Limerick, James Gandolfini, Jeff Daniels, Marcia Gay Harden, Mexican Food, New York City Dining, September Holidays, Theater Poem, Toloache, Yasmina Reza
Posted in Aging Humor & Verse, Holiday Humor, Leisure Time Humor, Limericks, Marriage Humor, Movie & Play Humor, New York Limericks & Haiku, Night On The Town, Personal, Recreation & Fun Humor, Relationship Humor, Restaurant Reviews & Humor, Theater Reviews | 5 Comments »
Thursday, February 5th, 2009
Valentine’s Day is coming up — an ideal topic for my very overdue limerick and a haiku (senryu) prompt. First, my limerick:
St. Valentine’s Day’s coming soon.
It’s a choc’late and rose-sellers’ boon.
Will your loved one come through
And make festive ado?
Or just buy you a five-buck balloon?
And now my haiku (senryu):
St. Valentine’s Day—
One day each February?
No. Daily each year.
Now, of course, it’s your turn. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write some verse about Valentine’s Day. When you’ve posted your poem(s), please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry, using Mr. Linky. And please post a comment as well.
(For more Valentine’s Day cheer, my Valiant Guy’s Guide to Valentine’s Day humor column is here.)
Tags: Balloons, Candy, Chocolate, February, February Holidays, Flowers, Gifts, Haiku & Senryu, Holiday, Limerick, Love, Poetry Prompt, Romance, Senryu, Valentine Day's Humor, Valentine's Day
Posted in Advice Humor & Poems, Battle of the Sexes, Celebrations Poetry, Food & Drink Humor, Haiku & Senryu, Holiday Humor, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limericks, Relationship Humor, Romance Humor, Shopping Humor | 20 Comments »
Monday, July 21st, 2008
Sorry for the delay, but though my cast is finally off, I’m still having wrist problems.
Today’s limerick, haiku, and senryu theme is vacations. First, my limerick, which was inspired by my husband Mark:
Vacation Verse
By Madeleine Begun Kane
My husband is swimming outdoors.
I expect he’ll be back when it pours,
Which it threatens to do
Ev’ry day, so he’s blue.
Yes, vacations are rain guarantors.
And now my haiku (senryu):
I’m on vacation,
Yet here I am writing verse.
Give it a rest, brain.
Now, of course, it’s your turn. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write some verse about vacations. When you’ve posted your poem(s), please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry, using Mr. Linky. There’s no rush, by the way, because you have until August 1st to post it.
Limerick and Haiku Prompts Participants
UPDATE: Mr. Linky is now closed, but you can still add links to your vacation-related verse in the Comments. And if you’d like to participate in a new poetry prompt, you can always find my latest one here.
Tags: Rain Limerick, Swimming Humor, Vacation Verse, Weather Poem, Writing Haiku, Writing Prompts
Posted in Family Verse, Haiku & Senryu, Holiday Humor, Leisure Time Humor, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limericks, Marriage Humor, Outdoors Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Sports Humor, Vacation Humor, Writing & Publishing Humor | 11 Comments »
Saturday, April 26th, 2008
Ode To A Grudge-Holding Judge
By Madeleine Begun Kane
There once was a federal judge
Who was famous for holding a grudge.
But his clerk found a way
To get him to say,
“I forgive you.” She bribed him with fudge.
UPDATE: I just found out that June 16th is National Fudge Day. Enjoy!
Tags: Bribe, Forgiveness, Judge Humor, Judiciary, June Holidays, Legal Limerick, National Fudge Day, Odd Holidays, Writing Prompts
Posted in Apology Humor, Behavior & Personality, Food & Drink Humor, Holiday Humor, Legal & Lawyer Humor, Limericks, Odd Holidays, Poetry & Prompts | 3 Comments »
Friday, January 4th, 2008
My resolution:
No more resolutions
I can’t keep, like this one.
If you missed my satirical New Year’s Resolutions Contract, it’s here. And I hope you’ll join in on my latest haiku and limerick prompt, whose theme is lies and deception.
(This haiku was inspired by Sunday Scribblings and by Read Write Poem, which is back in business thanks to Deb of Stoneymoss.)
View my New Year’s Resolution Haiku image here.
Tags: December Holidays, Haiku Images, Holiday Haiku, Holiday Poetry, New Year's Humor, New Year's Poem, New Year's Resolutions Verse
Posted in Haiku & Senryu, Holiday Humor, Poetry & Prompts | 18 Comments »
Friday, December 28th, 2007
Sorry for the late post! My father’s very ill, and I’ve been traveling between New York and North Carolina.
Today’s limerick and haiku themes are wine and spirits or the New Year or, if you prefer, both. Here’s my wine and spirits limerick:
The bartender offered cheap brandy.
“No fine cognac?” I whined—wasn’t handy.
So I had to decline,
Mulled and ordered dry wine—
Told the barkeep, “Your cab tastes like candy!”
Here’s a wine snob haiku, the first of today’s two haiku:
Decant, sniff, sip, spit—
Wine connoisseur’s ritual.
I’d rather just drink.
And here’s a haiku that combines both themes:
Champagne bubbles dance.
Spirited revelers toast.
A new year’s welcomed.
Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write a limerick or haiku (or both) about today’s theme(s). When you’ve posted your verse, please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry.
(If you need some tips on limerick or haiku writing, I link to some helpful sites here. And you can find my New Year’s Resolutions humor here.)
Tags: Brandy Humor, champagne, Cognac Humor, December Holidays, New Year's Humor, wine and spirits, Wine Snobs
Posted in Celebrations Poetry, Food & Drink Humor, Haiku & Senryu, Holiday Humor, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 6 Comments »
Wednesday, December 5th, 2007
Ms. Legal Person returns by popular demand with advice for the holiday season. “Your free help was worth every penny,” wrote one satisfied reader. “Do you have malpractice insurance?” wrote … oops, wrong letter.
Okay, enough with the accolades and on with your questions:
Q: They hung mistletoe in my office, and I’m highly offended.
A: Why?
Q: It’s sexual harassment.
A: I see. Has anyone ever kissed you while you were standing under the mistletoe?
Q: No.
A: What about when you weren’t standing under the mistletoe.
Q. Certainly not.
A: That’s what I thought.
*****
Q: My birthday falls right before Christmas and I always get short-changed. Do I have any legal recourse?
A: You suffer from Badly Timed Birthday Syndrome. Fortunately, last year’s Anti-Discrimination and Mental Health Care Reform Bill included the Birthday Rehabilitation Act. It allows you to petition any federal judge to modify your birthday by no more than 30 days.
Q: That’s great news!
A: You need only prove that your birthday coincides with a key holiday, causing pain and suffering and depriving you of your fair share of attention and gifts.
Q: Wow! Can I also modify my birth year?
A: How old are you?
Q: 37.
A: I’m afraid not. But you’re free to lie like everyone else.
*****
Ms. Legal Person answers more of your holiday questions here.
(You can find more holiday humor here.)
Tags: Christmas Humor, December Holidays, Holiday Fun, Law Humor
Posted in Holiday Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Legal & Lawyer Humor, Seasons Humor | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, November 27th, 2007
I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! And now that Thanksgiving’s over, have you finished shopping for holiday gifts yet? And braced yourself for your office Christmas party? And how’s that list of New Year’s resolutions coming?
Aren’t holidays fun?
But getting back to the world of poetry, Totally Optional Prompts has asked for animal poems. So here’s a very short one:
My parents’ poodle—
Their beloved pet,
The grandchild I denied them.
For a much lighter look at the same subject, here’s my humorous essay called A Poodle Tale.
Last, but not least, I’ve just start creating short humor videos starring — you guessed it — moi! So if you get a chance please check out My Family Needs Me on my other blog.
Tags: Holiday Verse, Pet Poems, Poodle Humor
Posted in Animal & Pet Humor, Celebrations Poetry, Family & Relatives Humor, Holiday Humor, Seasons Humor | 10 Comments »
Monday, October 15th, 2007
Did you know that tomorrow, October 16th, is National Boss Day? So, are you excited yet?
I thought I’d “celebrate” National Boss Day with a pair of limericks:
Workplace Diplomacy Blues
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Please mind your own business, I said,
To a woman whose presence I dread.
She is pushy and rude,
Rather nosy and crude.
Even worse—she’s the gal my boss wed.
A Brief Beef
By Madeleine Begun Kane
My boss yelled, “I’ve got a big beef:
Your briefings are seldom … well … brief.
I want the essentials.
You give me tangentials.”
“So long,” I replied, with relief.
(You can find my National Bosses Day limerick here and more of my employment humor here.)
Tags: Boss Humor, Briefings Humor, National Boss Day, October Holidays, Odd Holidays, Work Humor, Workplace Diplomacy
Posted in Business Humor, Celebrations Poetry, Holiday Humor, Limericks, Workplace & Career Humor | 2 Comments »
Monday, October 8th, 2007
Here’s an oddball byproduct of global warming: New York State Park officials reopened Long Island beaches for swimming this Columbus Day weekend because of unseasonably warm temperatures.
For the first time in more than three decades, beaches on Long Island will be open for swimming in October.
It’s because of this unseasonably warm weather. The average high in October is 64 degrees. Friday’s high was 86!
So you could swim as if it were July, celebrate Columbus Day, and shop for Halloween decorations all on the same afternoon.
And speaking of Halloween, it seems that adults have stolen it from their kids.
One sign of just how much Halloween has changed and can change is the relatively rapid development of it from a children’s holiday into a largely adult holiday. Adults are spending more and more on Halloween costumes, favors, and parties. Children’s celebrations have been curtailed and eclipsed. …
And that cries out for a limerick:
Hijacking Halloween
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The holiday called Halloween
Has been hijacked by grownups. How mean!
In their masks, adults stroll,
Looking scary or droll—
Some in garb that would best suit a teen.
(You can find more of my holiday humor here.)
Tags: Columbus Day, Halloween Humor, Holiday Weekend, Long Island, New York Beaches, October Holidays, Swimming
Posted in Celebrations Poetry, Holiday Humor, Leisure Time Humor, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Sunday, May 13th, 2007
Thanks to all of you who participated in this, my second limerick writing contest. (And yes, another contest will be coming soon.)
The response to my Mother’s Day limerick contest exceeded my wildest hopes – 87 poems were submitted. Your delightful entries and enthusiasm has made this a fun experience for me and, I hope, for you.
Before I announce the winners, I want to thank contest sponsor Billy Jones a/k/a Billy The Blogging Poet, who is providing prize matching funds.
And speaking of prizes, I’m awarding (including the matching funds) a First Prize ($50 in PayPal cash), a Second Prize ($20 in PayPal cash), and four Honorable Mentions. And the winners are…
FIRST PRIZE goes to Mephistopheles for a limerick that made me laugh out loud:
When you’re shrunk by one shrink or another,
‘Cause you’re pissed at your sister or brother,
Does your tongue tend to trip
In a Freudian slip—
Saying one thing while meaning your mother?
SECOND PRIZE goes to Peter Sheil for this moving tribute to his mother:
“It’s the hospital here, please come fast!”
There we sat, with our thoughts from the past.
At the side of her bed
Nothing more could be said.
One short breath … then one more … then her last.
And four HONORABLE MENTIONS go to (listed in submission order):
Jesse Frankovich:
My mommy is loving and caring,
Only sometimes a bit overbearing:
“Make your bed! Clean your room!
Mow the lawn! Don’t presume
You can play all day long! And stop swearing!”
Stella:
A mother is patient and kind,
Forgiving, forbearing, refined;
But mind if she cracks,
When stressed to the max,
‘Cos she’ll wallop your sorry behind.
BobfromThirsk:
As a baby I loved my dear mother
‘Till she gave me my sweet little brother.
But hang on there mum
What’s that lump in your tum,
O.M.G. is she baking another?
Mary Lou Healy’s The Steamy Novel:
That marvelous mother of mine
Thought my penchant for reading was fine.
She gave me a book.
Before letting me look,
Ripped out eighty through page eighty-nine!
Congratulations to all the winners, and thanks again to everybody who participated. (You can read all of the entries here.)
And please stay tuned — I’ll be announcing another limerick contest very soon right here in this blog — probably mid-June.
Tags: Contest Results, Holiday Verse, Limerick Contest, Mother's Day Limericks, Mothering Day, Prize Winning Limericks
Posted in Contests, Family & Relatives Humor, Family Verse, Holiday Humor, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Mothers & Fathers Humor, Poetry Contest | 6 Comments »
Sunday, April 29th, 2007
My spring limerick contest was such a success, I’ve decided to hold limerick contests regularly. And it’s time for another one.
So here’s my challenge: Write a limerick related to the subject of mothers and post it here in a comment to this post no later than Saturday, May 12, 2007. I’ll announce the winners on Mother’s Day, May 13, 2007.
The first prize will be $25. The second prize will be $10. Both prizes will be paid via PayPal.
So, what exactly is a limerick? It’s a five line poem with an AABBA rhyme scheme and a very specific meter exemplified by these winning entries. (For more information about limericks check out these fine sites: Encyclospeedia Oedilfica and OEDILF.)
I’m looking forward to reading your entries!
UPDATE: The prize money has just doubled, thanks to a matching funds contest sponsorship by Billy Jones a/k/a Billy The Blogging Poet. Thanks to Billy’s generosity, there now will be $50 in first prize money and $20 in second prize money. Very cool, Billy!
UPDATE 2: This contest is now over, and the winners list and winning entries are posted here. Thanks for your wonderful entries, and stay tuned — another limerick contest is coming soon.
Tags: Limerick Contest, Moms Humor, Mother's Day Limericks, Mothering Day, Mothers & Fathers Humor, Parenting Humor, Writing Contests
Posted in Contests, Family & Relatives Humor, Family Verse, Holiday Humor, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Mothers & Fathers Humor, Poetry Contest, Relationship Humor | 83 Comments »
Saturday, February 24th, 2007
Man Can’t Live By Bread Alone … Or Can He?
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Here’s some bread for some bread at the store.
Bring back change or you’re toast, cause we’re poor.
Get me wheat bread or white,
And I’ll toast it quite light.
But this dough ain’t for anything more.
UPDATE: I’ve just learned via Cloaked Monk that today, March 23rd, is Toast Day. So don’t forget to toast Toast Day.
Tags: Bread, Food Satire, March Holidays, Money Satire, Odd Holidays, Shopping, Toast Day, Wordplay Humor
Posted in Food & Drink Humor, Holiday Humor, Money & Finance Humor, Shopping Humor, Wordplay | 3 Comments »
Monday, February 5th, 2007
A Valiant Guy’s Guide To Valentine’s Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Attention guys — it’s time to get ready for Valentine’s Day. After all, you don’t want a repeat of last year, do you? I didn’t think so.
For most men, the very mention of Valentine’s Day conjures up memories of a last minute, fruitless shopping expedition followed by a quarrel with their girlfriend or wife. Women, on the other hand, tend to think romantic thoughts: champagne, dining by candlelight, strolling violinists, and an after-dinner brandy in front of a roaring fireplace. This scenario exists only in their fantasies, mind you. After all, they are dating or married to you. … (A Valiant Guy’s Guide To Valentine’s Day is continued here.)
Tags: Battle of the Sexes, February Holidays, Gift Humor, Holiday Fun, Men and Women, Relationship Satire, Romance Humor, Valentine Day's Humor
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Holiday Humor, How-To Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Relationship Humor, Self-Help Humor, Shopping Humor, Social Satire | 4 Comments »
Tuesday, December 26th, 2006
What is it about December 31st that spurs fantasies of self-reform? Is it too much food and drink? Seasonal exuberance? Lunacy induced by crowds?
Every December, otherwise rational people make resolutions meant to transform them into organized, addiction-free souls with clean houses, healthy bodies, wholesome relationships, perfect children, and career paths soaring to the top — the same vows they made last year and the year before that.
Can our resolutions endure past January 1st? Can we make it to year’s end without ripping up our lists? … (It Is Hereby Resolved is continued here.)
Tags: December Holidays, Funny Contracts, Holiday Fun, Holiday Gifts, Husband Wife Humor, New Year's Humor, New Year's Resolutions Humor
Posted in Addiction Humor, Battle of the Sexes, Health & Medical Humor, Holiday Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Legal & Lawyer Humor, Marriage Humor, Satirical Contracts, Social Satire | 5 Comments »
Tuesday, December 5th, 2006
Exchanging gifts, while fun in theory, offers endless potential for aggravation: Thronging crowds, ransacked stores, confusion, indecision, cash depletion and, finally, the belated knowledge that you bought the wrong thing.
And even worse, perhaps, is receiving a spousal gift that you wouldn’t buy for your worst enemy. Well, maybe for your worst enemy, but only if it’s on sale.
But there is a cure for the holiday gift blues. Just substitute this agreement for those subtle hints — the ones that are always either missed or misconstrued. Then kiss that Returns Counter good-bye. This year’s gifts are for keeps.
AGREEMENT entered into this ___________ (Date) by Husband and Wife, hereafter called “Couple.”
WHEREAS, Couple often argues over ill-chosen gifts; and
WHEREAS, a gift giving agreement may save Couple’s marriage and/or reduce return trips to the mall.
NOW, THEREFORE, Couple hereby agrees to these provisions:
GIFTS FOR WIFE:
1. Self-serving gifts shall be avoided. For example, Husband shall not buy Wife the following:
a. Chocolate when Wife is on a diet.
b. Tight clothing meant to encourage Wife to diet.
c. Anything transparent.
2. Husband shall not give Wife practical gifts such as an iron, a dish washer, or a vacuum cleaner… unless husband plans to use them. … (My Mad Gift Giving Guide is continued here.)
Tags: Christmas Gift Humor, December Holidays, Funny Contracts, Gift Giving, Holiday Fun, Holiday Gifts, Husband Wife Humor
Posted in Family & Relatives Humor, Gift Giving Humor, Holiday Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Marriage Humor, Relationship Humor, Satirical Contracts, Shopping Humor | 8 Comments »
Tuesday, November 21st, 2006
Ode To Autumn
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The most colorful season of all
Is autumn, which many call fall.
It’s the time when leaves die
In a feast for the eye,
And fat turkeys await their last call.
Tags: Holidays, Leaf Peakers, Northeast Travel, November Holidays, Seasonal Verse, Thanksgiving, Turkey Humor
Posted in Animal & Pet Humor, Food & Drink Humor, Holiday Humor, Limericks, Outdoors Humor | 4 Comments »
Monday, November 6th, 2006
There are few “fun” activities quite so vexing as the Office Christmas Party; that obligatory gathering of bosses and subordinates, cronies and rivals, back-stabbers and back-stabbees. Plus a horde of husbands and wives who spend the entire night planning their escape.
Every year you fantasize about sending an RSVP marked “Thanks, but no thanks.” Then you return to reality and break the news to your spouse. “It’ll be different this time,” you lie. “It’ll be fun.”
“I’ll go to yours, if you’ll go to mine,” your mate responds. “And you have to promise to behave.”
This brings us to the art of gaffe avoidance. After all, who isn’t but one faux pas from the unemployment line? Dodging the pitfalls of office party protocol can be a daunting challenge. But with the help of this agreement, you’ll survive yet another function with your job intact.
AGREEMENT entered into on ____________, by Husband and Wife (collectively referred to as “Couple”).
WHEREAS, Couple’s employers suffer from the delusion that Office Christmas Parties are good for morale;
WHEREAS, Couple, being sane individuals, would prefer to stay home; and
WHEREAS, although Couple can’t prove a connection, everyone who skipped last year’s bash is now unemployed; … ” (Office Party Follies is continued here.)
Tags: Christmas Party Humor, Funny Contracts, Holiday Fun, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Husband Wife Humor, Office Holiday Parties
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Business Humor, Holiday Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Legal & Lawyer Humor, Marriage Humor, Relationship Humor, Satirical Contracts, Social Satire, Workplace & Career Humor | 12 Comments »
