Post-Christmas Lament
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The Christmas season’s ended,
So shopping’s at a stall.
But exchangers have descended.
When’s it safe to risk a mall?
Archive for the ‘Gift Giving Humor’ Category
Post-Christmas Lament
Friday, December 26th, 2014Dear Klutzy Gift-Givers (Limerick)
Thursday, December 18th, 2014Dear Klutzy Gift-Givers (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Are your fingers all thumbs? Then beware!
Please don’t try to convince her you care
By wrapping your gift.
One quick look — she’ll be miffed:
“Why’s my present been mauled by a bear?”
Crawling With Gift Ideas (Limerick)
Thursday, February 14th, 2013Crawling With Gift Ideas (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
It’s too late for a Valentine’s broach?
Need a holiday gift plan to poach?
Well, here’s something new
From the helpful Bronx Zoo:
Give your sweetie her name on a roach.
From the Bronx Zoo, a strange and limited Valentine’s Day Offer:
Can’t decide on what to get that special someone for Valentine’s Day? Sometimes the answer is all around us, and right where it’s been for millions of years—like cockroaches!
Naming a Madagascar hissing roach in honor of someone near and dear to your heart shows that you’ve noticed how resilient, resourceful, and loyal that person is. You’re not afraid to say, “Baby, you’re a roach!”
WCS’s Bronx Zoo has 58,000 of these brown, iridescent beauties, and most go humbly by “whatchamacallit.” With a $10 donation, you can name one for your sweetie, and send a truly unique certificate of honor.
Regifting Gone Wrong (Limerick)
Wednesday, December 19th, 2012Here’s a 2-verse limerick to celebrate National Regifting Day (3rd Thursday of December.)
Regifting Gone Wrong
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A woman was trying to sift
Through items to maybe regift.
But alas, she confused
The stuff she perused.
I suspect that some folks will be miffed.
A fruitcake went back to the sender,
And the same thing occurred with a blender.
Then a gift from her brother
Got sent to her mother.
Her relationships now need a mender.
Potty-Mouthed Dolls — I’m Not Toying With You (Limerick)
Tuesday, December 27th, 2011Toys “R” Us seems to be selling some potty-mouthed dolls:
Pauline Davis bought some last minute presents for her grandchildren Christmas Eve, but when she brought three talking dolls back to her Oaklyn, N.J. home, she got a rude surprise.
The dolls giggle, coo, and then say something that sounds exactly like, “OK, crazy bitch.”
The three dolls called “You and Me Play and Giggle Triplets” are made just for the Toys “R” Us brand, and Toys “R” Us is sticking by its alleged potty-mouthed pixies.
Potty-Mouthed Dolls — I’m Not Toying With You (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Toys “R” Us has encountered a hitch
In its baby doll sales and it’s rich.
They should babble and burble,
But these dolls are verbal:
They exclaim loud and clear “Crazy Bitch.”
How To Muck Up Gift-Giving
Monday, January 11th, 2010Some men send their wives Hallmark greeting cards. Then there’s Dick Kleis of Zwingle, Iowa, who got a bit more “creative” on his wife Carole’s birthday. He spent three hours spelling out a huge love note in 120,000 pounds of “good, soft, gushy, warm” manure. And proving that there’s no accounting for taste, his wife actually liked it, saying her hubby “dung good”.
Attention, dear hubby Mark … and any other man who might be inspired by this story on a birthday, anniversary, or Valentine’s Day: Don’t even think about it!
And that brings me to my latest limerick:
How To Muck Up Gift-Giving
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear hubby, I’d really be miffed
If you gave me manure as a gift.
Now I don’t expect plush
If you ain’t feeling flush.
But dung? Sweet revenge will be swift.
Mad Gift Giving Guide
Tuesday, December 5th, 2006Exchanging gifts, while fun in theory, offers endless potential for aggravation: Thronging crowds, ransacked stores, confusion, indecision, cash depletion and, finally, the belated knowledge that you bought the wrong thing.
And even worse, perhaps, is receiving a spousal gift that you wouldn’t buy for your worst enemy. Well, maybe for your worst enemy, but only if it’s on sale.
But there is a cure for the holiday gift blues. Just substitute this agreement for those subtle hints — the ones that are always either missed or misconstrued. Then kiss that Returns Counter good-bye. This year’s gifts are for keeps.
AGREEMENT entered into this ___________ (Date) by Husband and Wife, hereafter called “Couple.”
WHEREAS, Couple often argues over ill-chosen gifts; and
WHEREAS, a gift giving agreement may save Couple’s marriage and/or reduce return trips to the mall.
NOW, THEREFORE, Couple hereby agrees to these provisions:
GIFTS FOR WIFE:
1. Self-serving gifts shall be avoided. For example, Husband shall not buy Wife the following:
a. Chocolate when Wife is on a diet.
b. Tight clothing meant to encourage Wife to diet.
c. Anything transparent.
2. Husband shall not give Wife practical gifts such as an iron, a dish washer, or a vacuum cleaner… unless husband plans to use them. … (My Mad Gift Giving Guide is continued here.)
