Archive for the ‘Family & Relatives Humor’ Category
Thursday, September 14th, 2006
A weekend trip is a splendid way to replenish your energy and deplete your bank account. In theory, such journeys should be preceded by thorough research, careful planning, and intense negotiations with your mate. Sounds a lot like work, right? Which is why so many vacations go something like this:
(1). Become increasingly exhausted and overwrought. Bicker with spouse over nonsense. Make up, bicker some more, and decide you both need a vacation. Agree to plan a trip for just the two of you real soon. Fall asleep fantasizing about a work/child/pressure-free orgy of self-indulgence.
(2). Repeat Step (1) many times during the next few months. Repeat it several times more … leaving out the sleep part. (How To Plan A Trip is continued here.)
Tags: Battle of Sexes, Holiday Humor, Hotel Humor, Humorous How-To, Husband Wife Humor, Marriage Humor, Travel Humor, Vacation Humor
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Family & Relatives Humor, Holiday Humor, How-To Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Leisure Time Humor, Marriage Humor, Relationship Humor, Travel Humor, Vacation Humor | 9 Comments »
Friday, August 25th, 2006
Do you and your spouse argue about how to spend your spare time? Togetherness can be tough to achieve when a couple’s interests just don’t jibe. But this contract may be just the cure for your spare time blues.
AGREEMENT entered into on _____, 20__ between opera-buff Wife and sports-fan Husband.
WHEREAS, Husband has been badgering Wife to attend a ball game for as long as they’ve been married, and he has never managed to reach first base;
WHEREAS, Wife has been pressuring Husband to go to the opera for years, and Husband is running out of excuses; and
WHEREAS, Husband and Wife know that if they don’t resolve this soon, each will be attending all functions solo.
NOW, THEREFORE, the parties hereby agree to the following spare time terms:
1. Wife will attend one ball-type game, the selection of which shall be in Husband’s sole discretion, and Husband will attend one opera performance, the selection of which shall be in Wife’s sole discretion. In exercising such discretion, both spouses will keep in mind that divorce lawyers are really expensive … (Sparring Over Spare Time is continued here.)
Tags: Ball Games, Funny Contracts, Husband Humor, Law Humor, Leisure Time Humor, Opera Humor, Spare Time, Wife Humor
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Family & Relatives Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Legal & Lawyer Humor, Leisure Time Humor, Marriage Humor, Music Humor & Verse, Recreation & Fun Humor, Relationship Humor, Satirical Contracts, Sports Humor, Time Humor | Comments Off on Sparring Over Spare Time
Sunday, August 20th, 2006
Tubing — the masochistic act of hurtling down a fall-fraught river while clinging to an inner tube. Somehow my husband Mark talked me, a devout wimp, into trying it.
Why did I go along for the rocky river ride? Perhaps I was dazed by the beauty of the Catskill Mountains’ Esopus River. Perhaps the brave (or foolish) teens who plunged heedlessly into the Esopus shamed me into it. Or maybe I was feeling guilty for being a perennial naysayer. Whatever the reason, one summer day I broke my first rule of survival: If they advise helmets, avoid it.
Before risking the river we signed a paper saying our survivors couldn’t sue. Then Mark paced while I interrogated the clerk about safety. Jagged rock protection was high on her (and my) list. Sneakers for the feet, a helmeted head, and plywood in the tube to protect the tush.
After a short, steep bus ride up river, the driver said “Just throw your tubes into the river and get in.” He pointed towards what looked suspiciously like waterfalls.
Foolish me, I’d assumed there’d be an attendant to provide advice, guidance, and moral support. And to hold the damn tube in place long enough for me to lower myself onto it and grab its pathetic excuse for handles. At the very least, they could have posted a sign saying, “Start your death ride here.” … (Tubing Blues is continued here.)
Tags: Husband Wife Humor, River Tubing, Battle of the Sexes, Leisure Time Humor, Marriage Humor, Outdoors Humor, Recreaton Humor, Travel Humor, Tubing humor
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Family & Relatives Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Leisure Time Humor, Marriage Humor, Outdoors Humor, Recreation & Fun Humor, Relationship Humor, Sports Humor, Travel Humor | 5 Comments »
Monday, August 14th, 2006
The “help wanted” pages are filled with job descriptions that defy comprehension. This probably explains why so many parents can’t quite figure out what it is their children do for a living. And it can lead to parental queries like this one from my mother-in-law to my husband Mark:
“Tell me exactly what your job is. Go slowly. I have to write it down.”
Mark hadn’t switched employers or secured a promotion; he’s been doing essentially the same work for ten years. So why the sudden curiosity? Because his parents recently attended a wedding packed with inquisitive relatives. Relatives who appeared to be more interested in Mark’s career than they were in the bride and groom. …
( Parental Proposal is continued here.)
Tags: Relationship Humor, Business Humor, Career Humor, Family & Relatives Humor, Job Humor, Mother Humor, Mothers & Fathers Humor, Office Humor, Work Humor, Workplace & Career Humor
Posted in Business Humor, Children Humor, Family & Relatives Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Mothers & Fathers Humor, Relationship Humor, Workplace & Career Humor | Comments Off on Parental Proposal
Friday, August 11th, 2006
I read recently that elegant dog garb and pricey canine day-care are “in” these days. Frankly, I was pleased to learn this. For until I acquired this seemingly frivolous bit of information, I was seriously concerned about my parents.
My mom and dad bought a toy poodle nearly a decade ago and, almost immediately, my mother took to her knitting. Multi-colored dog coats. Stylish woolen sweaters. Pixie the poodle dressed better than I do.
I wasn’t worried, at first. I just assumed that my mother’s knitting was part of a plot to garner grandchildren. Her unspoken message? “If you and your brother don’t give me a reason to knit booties, I’ll simply knit doggy-wear instead. … (A Poodle Tale is continued here.)
Tags: Animal & Pet Humor, Dog Humor, Family & Relatives Humor, Father Humor, Grandchild Humor, Mother Humor, Parent Humor, Pet Humor, Poodle Humor
Posted in Animal & Pet Humor, Children Humor, Family & Relatives Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Mothers & Fathers Humor, Relationship Humor | 2 Comments »
Tuesday, August 8th, 2006
The road to buying a house is paved with dwindling bank accounts, devious brokers, and home owners who (you hope) are desperate to sell. Yes, it’s a challenge. But with the help of these easy to follow instructions, you can negotiate your way into unthinkable debt:
1. Decide you must buy a house because your present one is:
a. too small;
b. too large;
c. non-existent … (Hapless Home Buyer’s Guide is continued here.)
Tags: Bank Humor, Broker Humor, Budget Humor, Finance Humor, Home Buying, House Buying, Money & Finance Humor, Mortgage Humor, Real Estate
Posted in Family & Relatives Humor, House & Home Humor, How-To Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Money & Finance Humor, Real Estate Humor, Self-Help Humor, Social Satire | 1 Comment »
