This Invention Doesn’t Pass The Smell Test (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I’m vexed and a little perplexed
By the concept of smells sent by text.
I do not mean to vent,
But don’t send me a scent,
Or our friendship is apt to be exed.
(Harvard engineering professor David Edwards and co-inventor Rachel Fields have invented an aromatic mobile messaging device called an oPhone that sends and receives scents.)
I wrote the following limerick in response to a personal request from Ralph Nader. And yes, I know that sounds crazy. So please allow me to explain:
Over twenty years ago, the New York Times Sunday Business section published my serious personal essay about technology in the workplace. My column, entitled “When Executives Should Just Say No,” dealt with the downside of technological advances. I concluded it with these questions:
Does that the 7:00 p.m. message really merit an immediate response? Is keeping staff hooked to computers all night a sensible use of personnel? And perhaps most important: Am I using these machines? Or are they using me?
My piece attracted a fair amount of attention, including radio interviews, a Boston Globe interview, and a reprint request from Pushcart Press’s Bill Henderson for his anthology “Minutes of the Lead Pencil Club.”
So, what does this have to do with Ralph Nader? It seems that Nader, a fan of that anthology when it was first published, has recently re-read it. And he’s sent personal letters to its contributors, asking us to re-read our respective pieces and send him updated thoughts on the topic, for an article he’s working on.
Instead of a prose response, I decided to express my updated views via limerick. So here’s what I sent to Ralph Nader:
In a decades-old piece, I once warned
With a Luddite’s distrust, unadorned,
Of technology’s lure;
Folks were duped, I was sure.
Now I’m one of those people I scorned.
Vendor Venting (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A package arrives, which I lift.
Since I’ve NOT placed an order, I’m miffed.
It’s a greedy misdeed
To anticipate need.
Dear Amazon: Thanks for the gift.
Note from Mad Kane: This hasn’t actually happened to me, but it’s only a matter of time. Why? Because Amazon has just patented “anticipatory shipping.”
Yes, Amazon thinks it knows what we want, even before we know we want it.
Sorry Amazon, but my husband can’t read my mind … and neither can you.
When I’m looking for limerick ideas, I sometimes visit idiom list sites, like this one. Then I’ll select an idiom that might work meter-wise and that ends with a common rhyme sound.
And so today, I challenged myself to write a limerick that contains the phrase “dry run.” Unconsciously inspired, perhaps, by the inept roll-out of Obamacare, I wrote these two lines:
A software firm held a dry run
But the coding, alas, wasn’t done…
I swiftly thought up an acceptable “B-rhyme,” but then got stuck at line 5. The best I could come up with was an ending that employed yet another idiom: “under the gun.” But I still couldn’t think of a line 5 that was even slightly clever.
And then I got an idea: create some wordplay by revising another line, adding specificity to the subject matter. Here’s the result:
Limerick Dry Run
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A software firm held a dry run,
But the arms-tracking code wasn’t done.
It failed test after test,
Till the owner confessed:
“I’m too stressed to work under the gun.”
Happy Information Overload Day! (October 20, 2015)
Limerick Ode To Information Overload (3-Verse Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Too much data is haunting my dreams–
Excess info and too many memes.
Overloaded with news,
My brain has the blues:
“I’m cluttered with tidbits,” it screams.
So what’s the solution pray tell
That will free me from info-stress hell?
Turn off ev’ry machine
And device? That sounds mean
And quite limiting. Not a good sell!
Is there anything else I can do?
I suppose I could hide in the loo.
But alas and alack,
That room has a stack
Of old weeklies — a factoid fondue.
***
Update: The first Friday of March is the National Day of Unplugging.
Do we really need a beer-brewing robot that lets you make beer with your iPhone?
I’m Not Swallowing This App (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Innovations can certainly rock,
But at times they compel me to mock;
I’m feeling a jeer brewing:
IPhones and beer brewing?
How ’bout using an iPhone to talk?
Just when you think a problem is unsolvable, a creative company comes up with a solution. I’m referring, of course, to Smarter Socks which, we’re told, “makes sorting socks child’s play” through “interaction between the socks with a communication button, the Sock Sorter and an iPhone app.”
What would Seinfeld have to say about this?
There’s An App For WHAT??? (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
If you find that your socks keep cavorting
And consorting with strangers, your sorting
Can be helped with an app:
Smarter Socks fill the gap
When your laundering skills need supporting.
UPDATE: Alternatively, you could ditch the app and celebrate No Socks Day 365 days a year.
It seems that artificial intelligence has a pun and joke-writing branch called computational humor. For instance, a computer software program called Standup:
Though it’s not quite Louis C. K., the Standup program, engineered by a team of computer scientists in Scotland, is one of the more successful efforts to emerge from a branch of artificial intelligence known as computational humor, which seeks to model comedy using machines.
Some Jokes Just Don’t Compute (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Computational humor is here:
Oddball software whose goal’s the frontier
Of punning and jokes.
But so far, I’d say folks
Who are funny have nothing to fear.
Limerick Rut
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A woman was stuck in a rut.
She’d tripped, falling down on her butt.
She was wedged in so tight,
She might be there all night.
Seems its risky to text while you strut.
DVerse Poets asks us to wax poetic about machine dreams:
Limerick Invention
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow invented an app
That fills a technology gap:
It gives you a pinch
If your boss starts to inch
Near your desk, while you’re taking a nap.
(You can find more of my technology humor here.)
UPDATE: February 28 is National Public Sleeping Day.
UPDATE 2: National Napping Day is the second Monday of March (the Monday after DST.)
My Telemarketer Hang-up (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
My name’s on the “do not call” list,
But our phone rings non-stop, and I’m pissed.
“How’s my energy plan?”
Says a voice — not a man,
But a bot, energetic’ly dissed.
In-Box Overload (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
My in-box is filled to the brim.
The sight of it’s making me grim.
And my virtual box
Is likewise a pox.
Mail has stamped out my zip and my vim.
(Prompted By One Single Impression’s “Inbox.”)
Related Post: Email Hell
The Encyclopaedia Britannica is the latest victim of the Digital Age:
Encyclopaedia Britannica Inc. announced Tuesday it will stop publishing print editions of its signature product for the first time in its 244-year history. In an acknowledgment of the shifting media landscape and the increasing reliance on digital references, the company said its current encyclopedia – the 32-volume, 129-pound 2010 edition – will be unavailable once the existing stock runs out. (If you’re interested, it’s yours for $1,395 and there are only 4,000 sets left.) The digital version of the encyclopedia, however, will live on.
This news saddened me. And it also reminded me about the obsolete, hand-me-down encyclopedia I grew up with in the Fifties and Sixties:
Limerick Ode To The Encyclopedia
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Britannicas, World Books and more
Were common in households of yore.
But not in my home—
Just a hand-me-down tome
With entries, I swear, like “World War.”
Happy National Inventors’ Day! Why is National Inventors’ Day celebrated on February 11th? Back in 1983, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed February 11th National Inventors’ Day to honor the anniversary of inventor Thomas Alva Edison’s birth.
Here’s a silly invention-related limerick that has absolutely to do with Edison:
Inventive Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A device that was meant to clean crud
Made a mess and was rather a dud.
But in spite of this glitch,
The inventor got rich,
Which explains why his name became mud.
Out Of Sync Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A writer was trying to sync
Her laptop, which seemed on the blink.
So much data was lost,
That she cursed at the cost:
“I should never have stopped using ink.”
(Author’s Note: I’m happy to report that this limerick isn’t based on personal experience.)
(Linked at Funny Bunny Fridays)
Sleep-Deprived Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
An inventor was trying to nap,
But snoozing just wasn’t on tap.
His constant fixation
With tech innovation
Required a sleep-prompting app.
(Author’s Note: I’m not an inventor, but I’m a life-long insomniac who could use such an application.)
No Siri for me — I’m serious!
I’m referring to Apple’s wise-cracking, female-voiced digital personal assistant, now available on the iPhone 4S.
Limerick Ode to the iPhone’s Siri
By Madeleine Begun Kane
There’s a newfangled Apple bot, Siri—
A bantering gal, rather eerie.
What a talkative lass!
I’m planning to pass.
Would a male bot be somewhat less cheery?
Fickle Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A popular gal who was fickle
Found herself in a terrible pickle:
A fellow she spurned
Launched a web site that turned
Her long wooers-list into a trickle.
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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