Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TACK or ATTACK at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: May 4, 2024)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using TACK or ATTACK at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to ANNOYANCES, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best ANNOYANCE-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
FALL, FREAKY, GLAMOROUS, LONGER, POINTLESS.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa, and use any other variant of the random words. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on May 5, 2024, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, May 4, 2024 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my TACK or ATTACK-Rhyme Limerick:
In the summer, mosquitoes attack.
(Seems my blood, alas, makes a good snack.)
They hang out in our yard,
Hungry, always on guard
For their “meal” to take one step out back.
And here’s my ANNOYANCE-Themed Limerick:
My enjoyment of scat singing’s scant.
I’m averse to Gregorian Chant.
Bagpipe bands drive me mad!
Vuvuzelas are BAD!
This concludes my unmusical rant.
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
An ambitious young woman named Kyle
Found her trend-setting efforts a trial.
One fall evening, she freaked
When this fashion news leaked:
Her new gown was no longer in style.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off Post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bagpipe Humor, Bagpipe Limericks, Competition Limerick, Gregorian Chant, Insect Humor, Insect Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Mosquitoes, Music Humor, Music Limerick, Noise Humor, Noise Limerick Scat Humor, Outdoors Humor, Outdoors Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Seasonal Verse, Vuvuzelas, Writing Prompts, Yard Humor
Sooo Annoying
I’ve put in a great DVD.
This movie, I can’t wait to see.
I relax in my chair.
Then I’m quickly aware
That I gotta’ get up and go pee.
April 1, 2004
Well April Fools Day just came back
It’s irking me and that’s a fact!
And there is no doubt
The jokesters came out
I think I just sat on a tack!
Election year
Methinks I must join the attack
If we don’t want “you know who” back
What we must do now
Is organize. How?
Do please come and help us Barack!
Lazy Bones
To get out of work is his knack
He leaves work for me to attack
While he goofs around
And acts like a clown
I’d like to place him on the rack!
A one-handed man called old Jack
Once had a bad panic attack;
Though his bottle of pills
Would’ve cured all his ills
To unscrew the cap he’d lost the knack.
My Aunt had a slogan at Vassar.
VOTES FOR WOMEN – which made cops harass her.
Now that so annoyed her
It made her embroider
The text on her antimacassar.
Abandoned sharp tools annoy me;
There’s a chain-saw left on the settee.
Stanley knives everywhere
A large axe on a chair
And I hate the adze on the TV.
When his aide-de-camp got drunk on gin,
General Smuts said, “This war we can win.
Now look lively young Jack,
Where’s my plan of attack?”
And Jack gave him a sketch of a pin
“That float thing, you use to stay buoyant,
Will soon fail” said a loud-mouthed annoyant.
I soon after, near-drowned,
Then came to, to the sound:
“Sorry dear, – should’ve said, – I’m clairvoyant”
“Here lies “party guy”, stupid Jack.
Much intelligence, Jackie did lack.
His mem’ry pervades
Our hearts, when at Charades
He tried to act out “heart attack.”
“Senior Hearthstone”
Though not glamorous like a hotel,
Senior Hearthstone’s a great place to dwell.
We all want to stay
Cause the chatter each day
Is a guessing game called, “Guess Who Fell?”
a slight modification of limerick #10 : “The Tombstone”
“Here lies “party guy”, real stupid Jack.
Much intelligence, Jackie did lack.
His mem’ry pervades
Our hearts, (from Charades)
When he tried to act out, “heart attack.”
There once was a man with no tact
who went out barefoot to and back.
When his foot came upon
a stone to step on,
he swore the job leaped to attack!
Says a soothsaying senior named Snead,
“As a Seer I’m still up to speed!”
He loves his clairvoyance,
But hates the annoyance
Of relying on glasses to read.
“No One Lives Here For The Weather” (randoms)
In Chicago, the Fall lasts one day.
Then the breeze hums, “I’ll no longer stay.”
Next it’s 20 below
In addition to snow.
Shazam! There’s that nice day in May!
“No One Lives Here For The Weather” (randoms)
In Chicago, the Fall lasts one day.
Then the breeze hums, “I’ll no longer stay.”
Next it’s 20 below
In addition to snow.
Shazam! There’s that nice day in May!
TACK or ATTACK
Palestine’s not a place to attack
If we did it might end in a sack.
If I had my way
I’d just like to say
Stop the fighting and turn the page back.
ANNOYANCES
So I looked in the Net And Yahoo
Would annoy me quite badly I knew.
So I laid a long plank
Hamared a nail in its shank
And I told him “Just run away – shoo!”
FALL, FREAKY, GLAMOUROUS, LONGER, POINTLESS
I was scaling a local church hall
When I suffered a damaging fall.
I was no longer glamourous
And frankly not amourous
But pointless in my freaky shawl.
Expecting a frontal attack,
One poor victim when strapped to the rack,
Face down, as it were,
Had no time to demur;
Some have said he was taken aback.
I came home for a quick mid-day snack
When I noticed my sly husband, Jack
Making hot love with Brooke
So tonight I shall cook
Him Spam as a counter-attack.
While on board, should you feel an attack
Of seasickness emerge, don’t hold back!
Let the upchuck come out
Through your mouth or your snout
Give yourself, then, a pat on the back.
A huge source of vexation, for me,
Is when folks fail to RSVP
To an invite – then show
Up and act just as though
They’re ENTITLED to join in high tea.
Anne and Victor were hopelessly geeky.
But then Anne, one day, donned a dashiki.
Her new look was so glamorous–
Vic got all amorous.
Kinky sex then ensued. Kind of freaky!
Said a guy who was very annoyed:
“The occasional tryst I’ve enjoyed.
When my boss’s new bride
Made a pass, I complied.
The result is, I’m now unemployed.”
Every night when the hallway is black,
Naughty children are on the attack.
Is it army men green?
Tiny marbles unseen?
No, tonight, I have stepped on a jack.
This new microwave: I’m not enjoying!
My stability: It is destroying!
A “one minute roll”
Makes me lose all control.
That wait time is just so annoying!
America, the Land of the Free,
Only if you are White, like me.
If you are Coloured or Black
Your rights we’ll attack,
As well as your life and liberty.
New Zealand, we’ll get back on track
Not on rail but roads is our tack,
But as we build more roads
Our carbon footprint explodes,
A green policy it seems we do lack.
Line 1 – NZ National Party 2023 election slogan.
Annoyance
It’s the cause of no little annoyance
seeking gems with the proper chatoyance.
This search for a glint
keeps my eyes in a squint
and calls for a deal of clairvoyance.
It gravels my Gertie no end
when a person I thought was a friend
just gives me the brush off
and proceeds to rush off
because I’m no longer “on trend.”
Five Random Words: FALL, FREAKY, GLAMOROUS, LONGER, POINTLESS.
This glamorous costume no longer
aids my fashion sense in growing stronger
Though pointless, my hair
is a freaky affair
which falls short. It just couldn’t be wronger.
It is pointless to whine and complain.
I’ll no longer sing that old refrain.
For the glamorous ball
which is held in the fall
is dissolved, just the freaky remain.
Use TACK or ATTACK at the end of one line
I’m buying my clothes off the rack
and keeping my cash in a stack
I’ve suspended each curtain
(a task I’m expert in)
and my pictures are hung with a tack
When our troops would attack from the rear
I said to the Colonel, “I fear
that the plan of attack
will end up in a wrack
should the enemy once overhear.”
Another annoyance:
I’ve no patience with fraud Donald Trump
every word he says lands with a thump
on the critical ear
his future, I fear
is to be a HUUGE pain in the rump.
Annoyed puppy:
As soon as he gets up to leave.
His dog barks and then nips at his sleeve.
He can’t take her to work
So she barks “What a jerk!”
Now that’s what I call a pet peeve.
At the carpet bugs’ party-time snack
They heard a loud almighty wack!
When they turned, they saw Fred
Was apparently dead;
Fully hammered, – now under a tack.
Though I sometimes will long to talk smack,
It is pointless to try; I’ve no knack.
When it’s my turn to diss,
I say something like this:
“Tell your Mother, go sit on a tack!”
Annoying As Hell
Fine’ly realized without any doubt
What the noise in my car was about.
The sound was so shrill
It was making me ill.
Bit the bullet and pushed my wife out.
In her front yard she was being attack
By a guy who just wanted some crack
So, she threw out some soap
Which he though was real dope
To him it was the greatest smack
Nasty flies are sickening as hell
So, I brought some stuff to repel
They dropped to the floor
And was swept out the door
But I couldn’t get rid of the smell
“That old smokestack’s an eyesore,” said Jack.
“To remove it, I’ll try a new tack.”
A large dynamite blast
Brought it down really fast.
To this day, they say Jack blew his stack.
Wagner’s heavyweight brass; what a pack!
“Flying war-maidens, – we’ve got your back:
A few of the reed
Have already peed,
In true fear of our looming attack.”
Here’s a very short, fisherman’s story
I’ll try not to make it too gory.
He was miffed that his fish
Wasn’t dead (on his dish).
Now it IS, – and it’s all hunky Dory.
Puck, a pun freak, might make a mistake,
But ’twas always a chance he would take.
When a friend broke his bottom
And was laid up through autumn,
Puck asked, “How did you like the fall break?”
badum (bum) tsss
The plumber came in through the back
And proceeded at once to attack
The leak in our sink—
Well, c’mon, did’ja think
He was hired for his tush and its crack?
*****
Oy, that siren ! An air raid attack?
A tornado glimpsed twenty miles back?
Nah, just Mary’s two kids
Doing what she forbids—
It goes off when they sneak in to snack!
My cat is a creature prehensile,
And whenever she falls on a pencil,
She gets a good grip,
Then gnaws at its tip,
Till it’s rendered a pointless utensil.
I deal with those small things in life
That grow large over time, causing strife.
Like the wee gal I wed,
Who has outgrown our bed.
She’s now missing; the rumours are rife.
The bartender’s cheerfulness fled
When asked “You just pour perfect head?”
But gave him a smile;
For she knew all the while,
Their bouncer would answer instead.
He’s a Trumper, so cut him some slack.
He knows nothing but how to talk smack.
Since I don’t wish to carp,
I’ll say only: he’s sharp.
(Like a bowling ball, not like a tack.)
My plan was to chill and sit back.
Read the paper, and then hit the sack.
I feel like a jerk
Cuz my plan didn’t work.
Because of this lim’rik attack.
Correction Of Above Limerick
My goal was to chill and sit back.
Read the paper, and then hit the sack.
Now I feel like a jerk
Cuz this plan didn’t work.
On account of this lim’rik attack.
My chef friend took me to his shack,
To try his new recipe hack.
Along with his skills
He brought spices and dills,
Plus some pills for my reflux attack.
Left work late to drive home, under par.
Had a thought, – to become my wife’s star.
Rushed to Walmart’s big store,
Bought her flowers d’amour,
And now I can’t find my damn car!
The Whole Truth And Nothing But…. (randoms)
On Thanksgiving, I had such a ball.
The air was so crisp, I recall.
Humpty Dumpty’s my name.
I’ll no longer feel shame.
Cuz the truth is, I had a great fall.
On this comp, I had pinned so much hope:
“Annoyances”, – Oodles of scope.
But my brain, though quite scattered
Found nothing that mattered.
I’m annoyingly happy, so – Nope!
Annoyances?! I’ve quite a few.
For a start, there’s that leak in the loo.
I’ve a regular flow
As small gripes come and go,
But the big one’s still here, and it’s you!
ANNOYING on so many levels
When I met a young dog in the street
He yapped and then bit both my feet
He then pissed on my shoe
Dropped a huge smelly poo,
And his owner said, “Isn’t he sweet!”
My dentist said; “Son, all this plaque
Is something you need to attack.
Start gargling and flossing
And maybe less tossing
Of sweets down your neck for a snack?”
With annoyances, Sir, I can cope,
Except for their vexatious scope.
Irritations annoy
Aggravations? Oh boy!
Inconvenience – a slippery slope!
My breasts are beginning to FALL
I’m no LONGER the belle of the ball.
They’re POINTLESS – moves amorous
Now my butt is less GLAMOROUS;
It’s FREAKY when youth goes AWOL!
I hear the upholst’ry attack
Victim is finally back
At home. Though he suffered
He’s fully recovered;
Flat out on the couch and laid back …
My brain – it no longer has space.
There are things I will need to erase.
Yes, It’s time to eject
Stupid facts I collect
And let new pointless stuff take its place.
(Random Word Generator) “Yes, some prisons have cable T.V.”
In the glamour of prison, I’m able
To watch all my fav’rites on cable.
The food here is free.
I can get a degree.
It’s pointless to go back to Mable.
I seem to have a special knack
For attracting those who attack
The odd prints and sparkles I wear
Their disapproval I don’t care
For buying from the clearance rack
Annoyance limerick:
I avoid them with stealth
Those overconcerned about their health
Shopping around for doctors
To treat imagined disorders
On which they spend all their wealth
She’s a tenant, about to receive
Legal notice demanding she leave
If she doesn’t get rid
Of her dogs, cats, and kid.*
You could call it her landlord’s pet peeve.
* a young goat, of course
She looked at him somewhat annoyed;
Upset with the words he deployed
Describing her meal.
It was such a big deal,
No chance he’ll be filling the void.
Another Truth Social attack
Arrived like a shot in the back.
But this time the judge
Gave it more than a nudge;
A bunk in a cell for his sack.
Feeling lonely, he took measures drastic,
To search for adventures fantastic:
Found Club Polyamorous
Was not very glamorous,
But a nerd group, for freaks who love plastic.
There are folk who drive me round the bend,
They’re the psychos I cannot defend;
They, with uncanny force,
And no shred of remorse,
Squeeze the toothpaste tube from the wrong end.
(A couple of changes to my post above)
Another Truth Social attack
Arrived like a shot in the back.
But this time the judge
Gave him more than a nudge;
A bunk in a cell for his rack.
Exotic Pet Dealer’s Lament
Raising porcupines has for me been
An enterprise fraught with chagrin,
I occasionally will
Get impaled by a quill.
Man, that really gets under my skin!
Limerick using “Tack”
A mariner when seeking fun,
Liked to go for a sailing run,
He would jibe and he’d tack
All the way out and back.
Total fuel usage: exactly none.
He entered a raffle last fall.
It seemed pointless; his chances were small.
But he won a big hammer!
(Such glory and glamor!)
Turns out that you CAN win a maul.
The judge said there was no way back
Once found guilty of a criminal attack
That the punishment should fit the crime
That doing the deed means doing the time
Conviction the judge did not lack
While attempting to turn a gunny sack
Into something that would cover her back
She could not find a pin
And refused to go topless again
So decided, this time, to use a little tack
When a loud-mouthed young girl called Ann Noyes
Screams out, “I LOVE MAKING A NOISE!”
She is, without fail,
Always thrown into jail,
‘cos Ann Noyes makes a noise that annoys.
I could lead, teaching English, – I’m lead
To believe. I should read but I’ve read
A mountainous stack,
And there’s more to attack.
Those homo-thyngs do-in my head.
The tactical charm you’re deploying,
Is over the top, and it’s cloying.
You’ll not win this chap
With that sickening crap.
Your existence, I find, is annoying.
Doe, A Deer, A Female Deer
Let me tell you about my friend, Jack:
He lived in a rickety shack.
Found a tick in his toe.
From a real hungry doe.
And removed it by using a tack.
Correction of limerick #11 (randoms)
“Senior Hearthstone, Home For The Elderly”
Though not glamorous like a hotel,
Senior Hearthstone’s a great place to dwell.
We all want to stay
Cuz the chatter each day
Is a parlor game called, “Guess Who Fell”
Annoyance
I abhor the cliches that you use.
Your phrasing sure gives me the blues.
It annoys me a lot.
Please give new words a shot.
If you don’t, I shall blow a big fuse.
We oysters are under attack
As you impregnate us in your shack.
Planting grit in our groin
We accept as annoyin’,
Cuz it beats ending up as a snack!
All 5 random words:
There’s a strange, freaky jellyfish ball.
That takes place underwater each fall.
No longer deemed pointless.
(It’s just for the jointless.)
But glamorous? No, not at all.”
A contortionist’s extra long donger
Mid-act accident could not have gone wronger.
Believed to be joint-less
He’s now also pointless
With his penis more shorter than longer.
With the ladies I yearn to get freaky,
But old age has crept up on me. Sneaky!
I’d like to get stronger
So I can go longer.
This body’s become a bit creaky.
The horrendously clanging refrain
Was driving old Paris insane.
The whole town found annoying
The constant Boing! Boing!
Quasimodo was at it again.
Your hair is annoying she said
So please shave it all off your head
In order to faze her
I got out my razor
And shaved off my nutsack instead
Living closely with one’s kith and kin,
Was Plan A, but it’s under my skin.
So I’ve turned to Plan B,
which will soon set me free,
But I’m gonna need more than one bin.
The Most Annoying Question
This query is very dismaying.
Yet folks are still strangely conveying
The thought that you might
Not “get it” just right.
And ask you, “Ya know what I’m saying?”
An Annoying and Ridiculous Statement
This statement is very dismaying.
Yet folks are still strangely conveying
Facts we all comprehend
And then in the end
They mention, “It goes without saying.”
I dabbled with Tinder’s clairvoyance;
But much to my lovesick annoyance,
It was more about hind-sight
(And not in a kind light)
Her hull, it was only for buoyance …
He flexed, and looked forward and back
As he silently planned his attack.
Then he struck, and his prey
Lay in shreds, cold and gray.
Catnip toys cause more mayhem than crack.
Annoying
Down the hall in the “cloakroom” I lurk.
Find the seat and then feel like a jerk.
Though my need is fulfilled,
I’m not very thrilled
That there’s no toilet paper at work.
She annoys me time after time
From the ridiculous to the sublime.
But that made me discover
That I really do love her
No matter she’s way past her prime.
Empty vessels make the most noise
And it seems to be more girls than boys.
That may be unfair
But my main care
Is that prattle just simply annoys.
Merchandising’s a ploy
Aimed at every young girl and boy,
For them to plead
For toys they don’t need
Creating clutter that will really annoy.
You know those sorts of men
Who annoy you again and again,
Who don’t understand no
And keep having a go?
That’s my husband, that’s Ken.
A young maiden from Aberystwyth,
Increasingly annoyed and most pissed with
A bloke from her work;
An incredible jerk.
“God’s gift!” he’s seeming obsessed with.
J. O’Conner: I like your “5 randoms” limerick from April 26th. Very clever.
Now mine: “Annoying Stinky Lunch Break”
Didn’t mind when she showed up in jeans.
Or at lunch, when she ate lots of greens.
Please don’t think I’m a snob
But I left that old job
Cuz her next course was always sardines.
Attention All Limerick-Off Procrastinators: The current Limerick-Off ends this Saturday, May 4, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
He blew fifty bucks, getting fellated
And then finished too soon. Would’ve waited,
But the gal from down south,
With the slow-talkin’ mouth,
(and on speed that day) accelerated.
Some medical practicing hack
Swears he’s really treating my back.
With golden seal, herbs
(God, I just lack the verbs!)
My spine’s like it’s under attack!
Looking glamorous, dressed for the ball,
Her breasts (perky, though not very small)
In her see-through topped gown,
Were the talk of the town,
The word “pointless” heard nowhere at all.
There was a pain in a plump man’s back
He thought of some kind of insect attack.
Curiosity filled him
It was more a whim
Then he realised he was leaning on a tact.
I piddled on somebody’s floater,
but it wouldn’t sink one iota.
Then I tanked on the chain
but that was in vain,
so I wrote a complaint with a phota!
A conquering clan called the Maleks,
wrote bloodthirsty notes in italics,
to peoples attacked,
until beaten back,
by the upper-case typewriting Gallics!
Preparing a tasty packed lunch
(A mouth-wat’ring lovely craw munch),
Spooner thought “I’ve a hunch
That Lear’s lim’s need more crunch,
I’m sure some he’s written lacked punch.”
On the golf course from Spring until Fall
I swing at that freaky white ball;
I aim left, it goes right,
Sometimes right out of sight!
It seems pointless to aim it at all.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun Limerick-Off, which is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 521. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Slip.