UPDATE: Limerick-Off Deadline Postponed One Week Due to Illness! New Submission Deadline: Jan. 13, 2024 Sorry! Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: GOAL or GOALS or GOAL’S at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using GOAL or GOALS or GOAL’S at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to PERKS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best PERK-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
CLUMSY, CONDEMNED, ODDS, SHAKE, WAVES.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on January 7, 2024, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 6, 2024 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my GOAL or GOALS or GOAL’S-Rhyme Limerick:
“What’s your preference? Bagels or rolls?”
Asked a bakery-bound woman. “My goal’s
A quick breakfast, then work.”
Her new boyfriend, a jerk,
Said “I favor the flavor of holes.”
And here’s my PERK-Themed Limerick:
A cocky young teen liked to smirk
And would frequently act like a jerk.
When ordered to shed
His rudeness, he said:
“I’m rich, and I’m told it’s a perk.”
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
A clumsy old fellow named Ken
Was so klutzy that men now and then
Would call him a clod
And condemn him as odd,
While his ex-wife would nod an “amen.”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Clumsy Humor, Competition Limerick, Goals Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Money Humor, Money Limerick, Perks Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
MAGA RepubliQans have only one goal,
To put opponents’ heads on a pole.
Even though it sounds sick,
They’ll perform this one trick
All in service to their Orange God-Troll.
To the devil I would sell my soul,
If he’d help me to reach my fond goal
Of ending the curse
Of writing bad verse
That Mad doesn’t value as droll.
Jim Jordan, a man with no soul,
Had hoped he could gain House control,
But he lost and instead,
Chaos was spread
Which was really his principal goal.
Said a Catholic, “My sins come in shoals,
And they stop me attaining God’s goals.”
At confession he said
That he farted in bed.
“So do I,” said the priest. “Bless our souls.”
I know a young fellow who works
In a coffee shop run by some Turks.
He is a barista
Who cannot resist a
Free coffee. It’s one of his perks.
About Covid, and this should be told:
There’s a perk (if I may be so bold).
What is it, you ask?
By my wearing a mask
For three years now I’ve not caught a cold.
This morning I made it my goal,
To dig up some “dirt” on the mole.
Upon study I found
That a mole leaves a mound.
It’s an empty pursuit, on the whole.
For end-of-year, my lofty goal
is only to end (somewhat) whole,
but between these new germs
and these damn MAGA worms,
this month might be digging my grave!
The Fool
A trip to New York was my goal
Accepting that I’m on the dole
I went to Times Square
And saw a show there
Now I’ve ended up in the hole
Winter in the Hood
I’m cold and have run out of coal
So getting me warm was the goal
I ran off with bags
But tripped on my rags
They caught me with coal that I stole
Hungry
I would like some soup in a bowl
And a loaf of bread that is whole
Now where is my change?
At home on the range…
It seems that I won’t meet my goal
The Odds in Horseracing
He had such a fine racing foal
That taking the win was his goal
But once there, a filly
Began acting silly
And thus cut him off at the pole
True Fact: Covid is aggressively back, more than ever here in the Midwest
Covid’s here again, (many bad cases.)
We’re wearing our masks in all places.
Though improper to smirk,
There’s a “womanly” perk:
We don’t have to powder our faces.
Herman Says:
Although I am old and real gray,
I dream bout’ my wish ev’ry day.
My ultimate goal
Is good bladder control.
But my large prostate gets in the way.
Herman’s Birthday
“I’m one hundred and two years today.
For my birthday, I’d like a good lay.
I want a blonde beauty
Who shakes her cute booty.
So what are the odds, would you say?”
I’m so clumsy, I trip on the air.
Then I say my “recovery prayer”
When I fall UP the stairs,
I recite other prayers.
The odds are these prayers go nowhere.
“Friends with benefits” isn’t a thing
You should say when describing a fling.
You’ll come off as a creep
And the gal will feel cheap.
“Pals with perks” doesn’t have the same sting.
She was somewhat allergic to work
But was given a car as a perk.
Jealous workmates would Scoff
“Howd’ya pull that one off?”
“I jerked off the boss for a Merc.”
Turning heads, past the faces he strolls.
Their open red lips are his goals,
Amid gaiety there,
At the travelling fair,
He loves getting his balls in their holes.
An obnoxious rape fantasy limerick with NO humor and no cleverness — NO redeeming qualities — has been deleted by me in an extremely rare (for me) act of censorship. I HATE deleting limericks.
Congratulations to its author, who posted it deliberately to be offensive. He knows who he is. But just in case, here’s how he introduced it:
“O.K. guys and gals. Y’all like crude and vulgar? I can do that!”
The Obsession
I write lim’riks; they sure soothe my soul.
Hope Mad likes them, cuz that is my goal.
I write one “lim” a day.
On my knees I then pray:
“SOMEONE HELP ME! I’M LOSING CONTROL!”
This attempt to explain’s a bit clumsy:
Oedipus and Jocasta were chumsy.
She became wife and friend,
But his fate was condemned
When he found out she’s also his mumsy!
I’m so klutzy and clumsy folks fear me —
Objects often go flying when near me.
Sure, I’ve friends who are brave,
Who’ll do more than just wave,
But there’s no one who’ll ever say, “Beer me.”
A croissant who was skilled, smart, and droll
Took an acting career as her goal.
Now she’s frequently seen
On the stage and the screen.
She’s a genius at playing a roll.
Dumb mistakes and misspellings prevail,
When Trump uses his platform for mail.
Once, he asked fans to dole
Out big bucks toward his GOAL,
But unwittingly typed it as GAOL.
Go Blackhawks! (Chicago’s Hockey Team)
I’ve a riddle for you, Mr. Gluck:
This disk can engender much luck.
It’s black, just like coal.
Push it hard for a goal.
“Gee that’s hard. Let me think. What the puck?
You’re taking a pee on the ground,
Behind a wee bush that you’ve found,
When bus full of wavers
Pulls up, and then savours
The odds you thought “no one’s around”.
A schlemiel who was clumsy in bed,
Gave schlimazel a lump on the head.
Those who savor wry gods,
Will favor the odds,
That the two will end up being wed.
Hi Mad,
I’m not surprised that you deleted the limerick I recently submitted. I would have done the same were I running a limerick site.
Some recent limericks submitted to you have (I feel) crossed the line from bawdy to offensive. Apparently, you don’t agree. What if those limericks had used the “c” word instead of “snatch”, would you then have considered them offensive and deleted them? And so, I kicked it up a notch to make my submission unequivocally offensive.
I think I made my point. And, of course, you’ve made yours.
And now, I’ll play nice for the rest of the month.
Have a happy holiday.
Rudy
Kevin McCarthy, Dana Wynter: 1956 “The Invasion of The Body Snatchers”
Didn’t wave, even give me a nod.
I found it peculiarly odd.
She’s my dearest friend Leigh.
Oh no! Could it be
Was she snatched from a weird plant-like pod?
Though my dog’s been condemned as a cur,
I have trained him to pun (as it were).
I say, “Gimme a paw,”
And he barks a guffaw,
Then he shakes all the mud off his fur.
A priest had a singular goal
To spread love, he had hope in his soul
But showering one day
The bathmat gave way
Now he’s stricken with soap in his hole
You’ve gone bankrupt. So, set a new goal!
Vow to work yourself out of the hole!
Which means no more depending
On friends to do lending.
And exerting, for once, self control.
At our school, all the menfolk are jerks.
They all act as if one of the perks
Of their gender allows
Them to treat us like cows
And to meet our objections with smirks.
For the clumsy kids, gym’s not a blast,
‘Cause odds are, for the team, they’ll be last
To get picked for the team–
Condemned, it would seem,
To eternally feeling outclassed.
Santos lied through his teeth and would gloat.
Any notion of truth was remote.
He achieved, on the whole,
His primary goal:
(Almost) second to none, bull-shit GOAT.
A young college frosh had a goal
To swallow a goldfish down whole.
But the damn thing got stuck.
Would have had better luck
If the fish was not still in the bowl.
One night on a leisurely stroll
I was stalked by a garrulous troll.
No, this was no myth.
He recited forthwith
A lim’rick. Seems that was his goal.
I’ve achieved my two sought-after goals:
Went to Poland and met some nice Poles.
Then I hopped in my car,
And although it was far.
Drove to Holland and mingled with Holes.
I’m condemned to be clumsy, I guess.
My hands shook as I helped her undress;
Then her bra, by degrees,
Wound its way ’round my knees —
Which made both of us laugh, I confess.
Cutting back on my coffee intake.
Half as much is now all that I’ll make.
Just half the fresh perk
Gets me off to work
But only halfway to awake!
It’s so sweet that my grandmother saves
Odds and ends that she places on graves:
Like locks of blonde hair
Cause her mother would wear
The classic old Hollywood waves.
For the perverts, the park has its perks:
It’s a smorgasbord: Joggers to jerks.
Find new friends there at night;
Keep it all out of sight,
In the shadows, where STD lurks.
I take showers when I need to think.
Wakes me up. Makes me feel in the pink.
I can figure things out
When I’m under that spout.
Added perk: It gets rid of the stink!
Overkill?
I once knew a clerk name of Kirk,
Who always his work, he would shirk.
Not a thing could be done,
‘Cause he was boss’s son.
Said jerk with a smirk, “It’s my perk.”
Match Love.Com Isn’t Working
I give up, there’s no reaching my goal.
A nice woman would make me feel whole.
Ev’ry girl sees my pic,
And it sure makes me sick.
All I get in return is a LOL.
On the Enterprise, once, Captain Kirk
Directed his crew with a smirk:
“To the moon, it you please.
It is made of green cheese,
Which we’ll have on some toast as a perk.”
The perfect, penned lim’rick’s my goal,
I strive for a gem. I get coal.
And yearn, but in vane,
To win in Mad Kane.
For then, I’d be one happy soul.
The soccer mom does play a role,
To cheer children on, just extol.
And not to cast blame,
If they lose the game,
With goal that her kid scores a goal.
In Bayside, N.Y. our gang stole
Artillery, (that was our goal.)
Someone followed our trail
And we all went to jail.
Sneaky Madeleine Kane was the mole.
Sorry.
Typo on Dec. 19th 2:38 pm
“if” not “it” in line 3
On the Enterprise, once, Captain Kirk
Directed his crew with a smirk:
“To the moon, if you please.
It is made of green cheese,
Which we’ll have on some toast as a perk.”
At some indeterminate time in the future…
Said the Devil: “It’s cold in this dump.
Demons, get those fires burning. Now, jump!
Your principal goal
Is to stock up on coal
For our newest guest, Donald J. Trump.”
Ev’ry time that my hair cutter raves,
About “product,” my confidence caves.
In a shaky voice, I
Reply, “Give it a try.”
If I don’t, then she’s sure to make waves.
I’m condemned to be clumsy, I fear.
Sans of grace, and no poise do appear.
No ifs, ands, or buts,
I’m simply a klutz.
And destined to fall on my rear.
If a pair of house dice you will shake,
The odds are, no money you’ll make.
Any cash you will save,
Say goodbye, and wave.
Most gamblers don’t catch a break.
I have got to take care of this goal.
Concerning my unsightly mole.
When folks stare, I feel stress.
Yet I have to confess.
Mr. Maulwurf’s a huggable soul.
As a Facebook group’s post-needy soul,
I had set a “One million posts” goal,
But my millionth (goal) post
Has been topped by the host
Of the goal-posts idea that I stole.
When old Scrooge gave a perk to his clerk,
Some rich merchants declared it a quirk:
“Eb’s brain must be murky,
To spring for a turkey,
When a goose is what’s needed for work!”
Condemned and now living in hell,
Don Juan thinks the place is just swell.
There are ladies galore,
Guaranteed not to bore.
The odds are I’ll go there as well.
A jerk has a girlfriend named Inger.
The odds are, with him she won’t linger.
He called her a cow!
Look, there she goes now:
She’s waving goodbye with one finger.
I condemn those who’ve stolen the lives
of husbands, their children and wives.
The whole world was shaken
When the blameless were taken.
Without peace, no society thrives.
Breaking News
To swim to Key West was their goal.
But sharks, sent by Trump, did patrol
The Florida coast;
So, the migrants were toast.
And Cuba refused to bankroll.
To see all fifty states was my goal!
And so, to get ready to roll
I bought EZ Pass
but I found out, alas,
that using it sure takes a toll!
Work-from-home would drive some folks berserk
but for me, it’s an excellent perk.
Still, I’m not one to gloat.
I like working remote
but homing from home’s too much work!
Through the storm and the waves the boat weaved
on their honeymoon cruise. How they heaved!
Though it made the boat shake
they still managed to make
a child, perhaps ill-conceived.
While her name is too clumsy to laud,
Audrey Hepburn Pink Cher Sweeney Todd,
Loves any attention,
That comes from its mention,
Because most of her friends call her Odd.
The lim’ricks that I like the most
In the Saturday E-ven-ing* Post
Were written by me.
As a perk it’s for free.
I’m sorry, if I tend to boast.
*For the sake of this limerick, please pronounce evening with three syllables.
Call it poetic license.
Denyce, the famed mezzo, Ms. Graves
Began her career making waves.
As Carmen, her duty
Was shaking her bootie.
For her singing she also got raves.
He did shake, he did rattle and roll.
Would those antics in time take their toll?
One expected that Elvis
Would injure his pelvis.
To control it was never his goal.
He’s quite clumsy when he’s full of cheer,
But the drink in his hand he holds dear.
If he raises his glass
And falls on his ass,
Odds are good he’s not spilling that beer.
Up in Lapland, quite near the North Pole
Lives a man with a singular goal
He has to remember
To wake in December
But for now he’s asleep, bless his soul
It’s time I take care of this goal:
Getting rid of this unsightly mole.
When folks stare, I feel stress,
Though I have to confess
Mr. Maulwurf’s a huggable soul.
My pursuit, that quite often I’d voice,
Was to own a whole fleet of Rolls Royce.
I’ve not met my goals
But I do have the rolls.
Sadly, baker ain’t my job of choice.
I’m just a meek, teak-seeking freak.
Monique, is my teak antiques geek
She rubs oil on my wood
Till it’s shiny (she’s good)
My perk is her unique physique.
The dole is much better than work.
I can see you’re suppressing a smirk.
Would you not rather be
On a beach in Capri?
Does your boring job have such a perk?
A Curmudgeon’s Confession
A perky young woman named Jo
Would spread laughter wherever she’d go.
She was bubbly and bright
And an utter delight.
That’s the reason I hated her so.
Here’s a “fiver” in the random word category
All right, so I’m clumsy, don’t dis
Or condemn me, the odds are that this
Will soon pass if I shake
Off the shyness that makes
Me just wave when I wanted a kiss.
The mole has its hole to patrol,
Where its sole and its ultimate goal
Is to terminate squirms
In the verminous worms
And to jollily swallow them whole.
Verminous, wow! I’m jollily jealicous,
Lest you think I’m too old and my humor too relicous,
I’ve made it my goal
To make up a whole
New vocabular genre: adjectivus suffixicus .
Sorry, I was sleepy earlier. This one is more like a limerick.
You say verminous? Wow, Mark, I’m jealicous,
‘Cause I’m old and my humor is relicous,
Now I’ve made it my goal
To make up a whole
Brand-new kind of a word: adjectelicous.
The church was condemned when the quake
Made the walls and foundation to shake,
The earth rolled in waves,
Opening twenty-odd graves,
Zombies clumsily climbed out, awake.
I buy donuts, but always my goal’s
To keep track of good diet controls.
Once, I said to the gal,
“I need something low-cal,”
So she sold me a bag full of holes.
Limerick-Off Deadline Postponed One Week Due to Illness!
New Submission Deadline: Jan. 13, 2024
Sorry!
Parliament of Fowls:
To write books of poems was her goal,
She thought each one was under her control
She wrote only a stanza,
Just one extravaganza;
That destroyed the systole and diastole.
“No Such Thing As A Free Lunch”
“No perks, no free lunch”, the Chief said.
I struggled until I was dead.
I sure needed to munch,
So I paid for the lunch.
Don’t know why, but I still felt unfed.
Just Another Thought
“No perks, no free lunch”, the Chief said.
So I struggled until I was dead.
I sure needed to munch,
So I paid for the lunch:
NO PASTRAMI, NO PICKLE, NO BREAD!
Clumsy me had a real painful fall.
I forgot I was in the dim hall.
I started to shake.
So I took a short break.
Then I promptly walked into a wall.
Said Bad Santa, “i need more control —
‘Eco-terror’ shall be my new goal!”
True, he hated things green,
And he loved to be mean,
So he loaded his sleigh up with coal.
A tsunami’s just a big wave.
It doesn’t know how to behave.
When there is an earthquake,
The whole planet does shake,
And odds are results can be grave.
I yearn to go see Billy Joel.
His music makes me lose control.
A Piano Man’s song,
I must sing-a-long.
It would be my heart and soul goal.
Life is hidden in the names of goals,
Man earns it by using mental patrols;
A good goal is a jewel,
A bad one needs a duel;
A bad aim brings the need for pistols.
“Rock Around The Clock” Bill Haley and his Comets, Senior Version
To some, this may come as shock.
It took DECADES to learn how to “rock”
Yes, my sought-after goal
Was to dance rock and roll.
Now it takes 2 full days round’ the clock.
In the Nineteen-oh-six Frisco quake
Grandma’s house did alarmingly shake;
But against likely odds,
By the will of the gods,
Not a dish in her kitchen would break.
That artist who’s known as Sid Perks;
Well, the Tate has bought one of his works.
The subject? A scene
In quite lurid green.
And the title? “This paid for my Mercs.”
There once was a fellow from Seoul
Who had an implausible goal.
To display his bottom
From springtime till autumn
Each time he went out for a stroll.
A creepy and dubious Turk
Once said (with an lecherous smirk);
“I’m proudly an Ottoman,
Largely a bottom man,
Though boobies give excellent perk”.
My spelling is odd – I’m condemned,
To life with but barely a fremned.
Making waves amongst folk
Is my clumsy wee joke;
No great shakes, I must just make and memned.
It’s mankind’s most hideous goal:
To burn all the oil and the coal
And the gas and trees too;
Then what will we do –
Just stare down that awful black hole?
Version I
Said a big friendly dentist called Rob,
“I adore the smell of a clean gob.
I’m addicted to mint,
From a blast to a hint;
It’s a really good perk of the job”.
Version II
Said my friend, who’s a dentist called Rob,
“Whenever I peer into a gob,
I love the mint smell –
Though for others it’s hell –
For me it’s a perk of the job”.
Meeting deadlines is ev’ryone’s goal,
And Ms. Mad as our judge plays a role.
And she couldn’t be kinder,
Than to send a reminder.
So, where is it? Must stragglers cajole?
I’m at odds with my old buddy Blake.
He said, ” Johnny, you’ve make a mistake.”
He claimed that my chicken
Was not finger’ lickin’
Cuz it wasn’t rolled in “Shake n’ Bake.”
Thanks so much everyone for another fun Limerick-Off, which is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 517. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Grand.