Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SUEDE, SWAYED, PERSUADE, or DISSUADE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: August 19, 2023)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SUEDE, SWAYED, PERSUADE, or DISSUADE at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to TESTS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best TEST-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest: DUCK, GIFTED, JITTERY, MERGE, STAR.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on August 20, 2023, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, August 19, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my SUEDE, SWAYED, PERSUADE, or DISSUADE-Rhyme Limerick:
A woman would always wear suede,
Head to toes, both in sun and in shade.
Her spouse fin’ly snapped
Cuz her nighties were napped:
“Our marriage’s fabric is frayed!”
And here’s my TEST-Themed Limerick:
I once took an aptitude test
To learn what I’d likely do best.
The results? Useless crap!
‘Twas all over the map:
“NEVER NAVIGATE!” That’s what it stressed.
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
When a jittery mother was told
That her daughter was gifted, she polled
All the parents she knew:
“Could it really be true,
Or do ALL kids get stickers of gold?”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Aptitude Tests, Children Humor, Clothing Humor, Competition Limerick, Education Humor, Exams Humor, Fashion Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Marriage Humor, Navigation Humor, Poetry & Prompts, School Humor, Test Humor, Writing Prompts
Can’t his acolytes see the charade?
Against Trump I have often inveighed.
Yet, I’ve yet to dissuade
Any MAGA folks; they’d
Sooner die than admit they’ve been played
An aptitude test has revealed
A talent that’s long been concealed:
It’s my prowess for rhyming
(Which rhymes with “declining”
And some other words – but not “peeled”.
Even though I appear to be brave,
I feel jittery inside this cave.
Should my head fail to duck
I could forthwith get stuck.
Such an outcome would surely be grave.
The Fates can be hard to persuade,
When I’m hoping my fortune is made.
For I never quite seem
To accomplish my dream
To get rich, or get high, or get laid.
She dressed in the finest kid suede
In her quest to get lucky (that’s laid).
In an area shaded,
She soon was dis-suede-ed
By a randy old goat in the glade.
Scarsdale, New York is the richest town on the East coast.
“I’m a poodle from Scarsdale, named Jade.
I employ my own butler and maid.
I’ve a lavish silk leash.
All my treats contain quiche.
And my collar is plush ultra suede.”
Who remembers those short white gloves?
In the 50’s, (those old days gone by)
With all of the rules I’d comply.
My sweet Mama made
Me wear white gloves in suede.
I’m still wondering, “Why the hell why?”
Herbal cooking is now all the rage
So the wife studied herbs for an age.
If you ask, as a test,
“For this meal, which is best?”
Her answer will always be sage.
I was trying my best to persuade
The young lady I must be obeyed.
I explained what I needed,
Commanded, then pleaded,
But still couldn’t get the Miss laid.
In a heap of manure that he’d made,
A young man stuck a large hand grenade.
He then pulled the pin –
And there was quite a din
And we all turned the colour of suede.
With old shoes that had once been blue suede,
And his battered guitar, badly played,
Though he wiggled his pelvis,
The guy was no Elvis;
“No More!” the whole audience prayed.
So it IS true that Covid’s man-made !
Therefore China gets one accolade;
They are quite the best
At failing truth’s test
And on that matter I won’t be swayed.
Said Elvis, “When my old hips swayed
I could sing songs to any tune played.
My song about shoes
Never gave me the blues
So you’ll never hear me diss suede.”
The film star was down on his luck;
He was not very gifted, the schmuck,
And he quacked when he spoke.
But they said: “Just the bloke!
He’ll be perfect to play Donald Duck!”
The Producer said: “For your screen test,
You must first get completely undressed,
Then demurely recline
On this casting-couch. Fine!
Just relax, and let me do the rest.”
(Triple)
Though they told us full tests had been made,
We felt jittery as the thing swayed,
And we ducked, one and all,
When we thought it would fall …
But the Tower of Pisa has stayed.
My blue shoes are made of pure suede
Brushed tight and sharp as a blade
I’m a rock and roll god
On this ground that I trod
So why the fuck can’t I get laid?
Though the star was undoubtedly gifted,
We believed that she’d had her face lifted.
Her wrinkles had merged,
While her eyebrows had surged,
And her teeth had been straightened and sifted.
Psychiatry Session #1 Dialogue “The Rorschach Test”
“Hello, Mr. Tense. I’m Joe Shrink
This image reveals what you think.”
“Doc, it looks like some klutz
Sure went totally nuts.
And knocked over a bottle of ink.”
Barbie’s got a particular yen,
But her man flunked that test once again.
He said, “Sorry to fail ya;
I’ve no genitalia!”
So sex remains outside her ken.
Better: The Rorschach Test: A dialogue
“Hello Mr. Tense. I’m Joe Shrink.
This test will reveal what you think.”
“Doc, it looks like some klutz
Flipped out and went nuts.
Then knocked over a bottle of ink.”
After into the traffic he merges,
A most jittery driver named Sturges,
Makes quick use of his horn,
As a weapon to warn,
All concerned of his deep-seated urges.
TONY BENNETT
You were gifted. You were a big star,
More famous than many by far.
Though you are now gone,
Your music lives on.
An icon you were and still are.
Presley redux
Elvis Presley expressly forbade
That someone, not even his maid,
Should step on his shoes.
And this isn’t news.
They were made of authentic blue suede.
His silence, this star can not keep.
He speaks, and with laughter we weep.
He quacks and he snorts
In an English of sorts.
I mean Donald the duck, not the creep.
Nervous Nellie in worry is stuck.
What is bound to befall her? Bad luck.
If she spies from afar
A divine shooting star,
She’ll jump out of her skin and yell, “Duck!”
“Random Word Generators” Let’s See:
With “randoms” I’m gifted; what luck!
The first word I’ll use will be “duck”
Wow! The next one I like.
(Oops! Here comes Pastor Mike)
The rhyme word, of course is a “truck”
Her husband collected strange critters,
Huge insects that gave her the jitters.
When he asked “What’s for dinner?”
She gave a sly grin: “A
New triple-star dish: Cockroach Fritters.”
Last week, students came to my cellars;
The one drinking most was Miss Mellors.
Her increase in girth
Was followed by birth
And paternity tests on ten fellers.
Don and Daisy, although they are ducks,
Are huge stars of the order deluxe.
Since they never wear pants,
I would guess there’s a chance,
It’s because they’re big muckety-mucks.
A Little-Known Butterfly Ailment
The jittery butterfly, Chummy
Got a part in the remake of “Mummy.”
Though gifted was she,
Chummy just had to flee.
Afflicted with “Humans In Tummy.”
Buffalo Bill* pressed her skin with the blade
All her hopes began quickly to fade
“Are you thinking about whether
You’ll wear me as leather?”
“Of course not, fool, I prefer suede!!!”
* from Silence of the Lambs
Buffalo Bill* pressed her skin with the blade
All her hopes began quickly to fade
“Are you thinking about whether
You’ll wear me as leather?”
“Of course not, fool, I prefer suede!!!”
*from Silence of the Lambs
In school, 1950’s protocol for the possibility of a nuclear attack, known as “Cover and Duck” Students had to crouch under their desks, when they heard the siren.
So jittery, (felt like a schmuck),
Ev’ry time I heard, “Cover and Duck.”
I sure couldn’t crouch.
I tried but said, “Ouch!”
Because I was built like a truck.
Second Try At “Random Word Generator”
With “randoms” I’m gifted, what luck!
The first word I’ll use will be “duck”
The punch line is cool.
(Hello, Father O’Toole)
It’s that fabulous rhyme word, “amok”
Who am I, you ask in shrill tones.
I can hear you right down to my bones.
You persist, you persuade
That an answer be made.
Oh well. For rhyme’s sake, call me Jones.
The Doctor Says…
“Your sodium level is high.
Your cholesterol reaches the sky.
The blood test is done,
You son of a gun!
It appears you’re a real-life french fry.”
Can nobody somehow dissuade
Him from running again? We’re afraid
That the bright orange cretin
Will once again get in
And finish the mess that he made.
“As for shaking a leg, I’m not made,”
One old maid (stiff and staid) once conveyed.
She did not like to dance,
So she took a firm stance,
And then simply refused to be swayed.
Said a friend of Van Gogh’s: “It’s now clear
Vincent’s case of depression’s severe.
He’s not easily swayed
By mere words, I’m afraid.
Should you see him, just lend him an ear.”
Oh, Suzanna!
Sexy Suzanna’s neighbor was swayed
by her nakedness, often displayed
in her yard by the pool.
She’d just watch the guy drool,
knowing how much he’d love to get laid!
That’s What Elvis Said
You could knock him down, step on his face,
and besmirch him all over the place;
but his shoes—the blue suede—
which were faves, custom-made,
never step on and bring him disgrace!
Sleepwalker Gets an A
Through the town, buff nude Bob would parade.
From his show, Bob no one could dissuade
for he was fast asleep.
While the men muttered “BLEEP,”
wives were judging. A+ was his grade.
A Student’s Rant
Them ole teechers is always such pests
with there homework and long, stoopid tests.
We already spells good,
and we talks like we should.
Their to mean to be pleezed with our best!
Experience Learning
Some folks can’t find much time to invest
in preparing for those sex ed tests,
since they always stay hot
and they practice a lot.
They find hands-on experience best.
“The Edens Expressway, Aka, I-94, Chicago” (Never Again)
When young I could climb a big boulder.
I was gifted, but now I’m MUCH older.
The last time I merged
I endured a loud purge.
And make a quick right to the shoulder.
I’ve been gifted a star by some folks,
Who have money to waste on such jokes.
Now, if I’m not mistaken,
Big Dipper is taken,
So I’m naming the thing Giant Hoax.
“The Hucklebuck”
To Sammy Kaye’s band, boy, I swayed.
And swung as the famous band played.
All at once, I felt goofy
When Joe slipped me a roofie.
Don’t know why, but I think I was laid.
Our Drive From New Jersey To California: 1968
Our drive to L.A. wasn’t great.
I got jittery, stressed and irate.
For THREE goddamn days
Out the window I’d gaze
At the Bless your heart, y’all Lone Star State.
(It never ends)
I told mum he’d proposed, in my text.
Her reply, left me feeling quite vexed:
I’d remarked “I’ll be swayed”
But my typo read “spayed”
She wrote “PLEASE have kids, – DON’T get de-sexed”
There’s a pregnancy test in demand.
Go and check out the “Curvy Stick” brand.
The results are real clear.
It eliminates fear
Of getting the pee in your hand.
A gifted young duck named McGee
Yearned to star in a show on TV.
But the nod went instead
To a horse, Mister Ed.
Show biz ain’t all it’s quacked up to be.
There once was a plumber named Jack,
Whose pet duck, you might say, had his back.
When on jobs Jack would bend,
And display his rear end,
The fowl (gifted with hindsight) warned, “Quack!”
For Us “Seniors” : The Steve Allen Variety Show, 1956
This star was a “Man In The Street.”
To watch him was always a treat.
With his “jittery” role,
We laughed out-of-control.
Those days were so simple and sweet
(Don Knotts)
As kids, we all played “Duck Duck Goose.”
Always me, Susie, Marty, and Bruce.
Then one day we were jittery,
Cuz the goose got so skittery
That he untied the noose and got loose.
I told mum he’d proposed, in my text.
Her reply, left me somewhat perplexed:
I’d remarked “I’ll be swayed”
But my typo read “spayed”
She wrote “PLEASE have kids, – DON’T get de-sexed”
Mad please delete my limerick at July 26, 8.39pm. I’ve re-posted. Thanks.
Rock and Roll
When it came on the scene, folks would balk.
‘Bout “mixing of races” they’d talk.
But we’ve come very far
When recalling this star.
With his talent and famous “duckwalk”
(Chuck Berry: The King Of Rock And Roll)
Two Wall Street execs rode a surge,
And bought into relationship urge.
Smart investments in “Techs,”
Led to starry-eyed sex;
Now it looks like they’re ready to merge.
There once was a young cow named Jade
Who shunned the sunshine for the shade
She said, “Here I’ll stand
And will not get tanned
And from this mooooood I can’t be suede.
Bob Barker of TV renown
Had an animal love quite profound
But the gifted show host
Preferred ducks the most
And frequently he’d come on down.
My wife had a beat up purse, suede,
To toss it, I couldn’t persuade
It hung to her thigh
Filled with such chozerei
There’s no telling what that purse weighed.
A Husband and Wife Discussion
“My darling, I highly suggest
That you get off that treadmill and rest.”
“Sue, I’m in a big rush.
Go away, dear, please hush.
I’m cramming for Tuesday’s stress test.
Used to love how the lovely trees swayed.
It was so nice to sit in the shade.
But then when the birds
Expelled all their turds.
My hairdo felt very betrayed.
Firms are merged, get bought out, or just rot.
(Many moguls are smart; some are not.)
With scarcely a jitter,
Twitter went in the shitter.
It’s gone, and now “X” marks the spot.
Buzz liked his beer bottled or canned,
And always made certain he planned,
As a daily occurrence,
A test of endurance,
To see just how much he could stand.
The guys were quite nervous and jittery;
That Las Vegas club was so glittery.
Uneasiness surged
‘Till the showgirls emerged;
It seems they could handle the tittery.
A Senior Citizen Hitch
On a real icy road, my car swayed.
This hitch made me sadly delayed.
I saw only the end
Of the new-growing trend:
“The Retiree’s White Socks Parade.”
Another One
On a real icy road, my car swayed.
This hitch made me sadly delayed.
I saw only the end
Of the new-growing trend:
“The Senior Exact Change Parade”
She swung on a swing and was swayed
By the sound of a song in the shade.
The song that was sung
By the swing that was swung
Was a sweet swinging soft serenade.
The Willis Tower, formerly know as The Sears Tower, has 110 stories
and is the tallest building in Chicago, Illinois.
The day that the Sears Tower swayed
“Chicagoans” felt so betrayed.
We had to delay
The fun for that day:
“The Annual Earthquake Parade.”
The man’s a political pest,
But perhaps he is right to suggest
That ‘trumped-up’ are the charges
(While his vote share enlarges) –
It’s the law that’s being put to the test …
My sneakers were tatty and frayed,
So I skinned a few cats that decayed.
Can’t you see they’re so good?
If you tried them then you’d
Be less hard than you are to purr-suede.
It’s exam time. Such anguish and woe!
I’ve not studied. I’m naked! Oh no!
Plus I can’t move or scream!
Wait…it’s only a dream.
What the hell? School was DECADES ago!
So gifted is my pet the duck –
Walks on water, makes mallards look schmuck.
Stays dry and not soggy,
Can choose his own tog he
Is so cool that he don’t give a cluck.
Liz Taylor had husbands galore.
Were there seven or eight? Perhaps more?
But none of them stayed.
They could not be swayed.
Her movies they did not adore.
Said a lady, “I am quite impressed.
My new feller – he really is blessed.
Both of his knackers
Are big as maracas,
And his cock has passed EVERY test.”
Cried a lady, “My god what a whopper!
In use it should prove a show stopper!”
But when put to the test
It was lacking in zest
And it turned out to be a real flopper.
Said a lady, “My tenth driving test
Was the one that I thought went the best.
It was quite in the bag
– but for one little snag –
Due to nerves I forgot to get dressed.”
Said the doctor, “I thought you had flu;
But I’ve run tests like good doctors do.
Trypanosomiasis
Is what your complaint is –
Will you wake up – I’m speaking to you!”
We were jittery, fearful and reeling.
It gave us an unearthly feeling.
The Star View Hotel
Cast a real eerie spell.
Cuz our room had a hole in the ceiling.
Right out of my house I’ll be tossed.
Cuz one of my duckies is lost.
if they’re not in a row,
It’s jittery Joe.
Who must either be tipsy or sauced.
words, or the limerick ghost will tell me, “You’ve already written that.”
Right out of my house I’ll be tossed.
Cuz one of my duckies is lost.
If they’re not in a row,
Blame jittery Joe.
Who must either be tipsy or sauced.
Said a tough-skinned and shrewd dairymaid,
To a callow young calf who had strayed,
“Keep your nose in the grass,
And cover your ass,
Or your gonna end up being swayed.”
I’ve lately been very depressed.
My dentist, he did some new test.
“Your gums, I’ve no doubt”,
He said, “have to come out;
But your teeth you should keep, I suggest.”
You’re testing my patience, my dear;
So, I’ll make this perfectly clear.
You’re the love of my life,
But you’re also my wife;
And your cooking’s what mostly I fear.
I’ve heard that with gals you’re the best;
That they’re eager to take off their vest,
And that you are outrageous
And sometimes contagious,
So first things first, – let’s see your test.
A pastor who had no desire,
To threaten of brimstone and fire,
Said, “I’d rather persuade,
With a nice serenade.”
He was preaching, no doubt, to the choir.
A shooting star streaked through the night
With Paul in the path of its flight.
Poor fool didn’t duck
And so, was star struck
By that now famous meteorite.
An ugly young duck (that’s no con)
Turned into a beautiful swan.
She became a great star
When she posed for Renoir.*
Now ain’t that a great denouement!
*Renoir — “La jeune fille au cygne” last sold for over $5,000,000
There once was an ugly old duck
In a pond on the isle of Nantuck-
et, and he had the urge
To carnally merge
With a swan; but he had little luck.
Oh how hard it would be to dissuade
A busy young nun who has strayed.
The abbess would sob
while doing her job
and for the young soul she has prayed.
Some folk are like slinkies: No cares;
Pretty useless, and dumb, – unawares.
But you’ll smile and you’ll glow
As you test how they’ll go,
When you give them a push down the stairs.
He suggested a date on Nantucket.
She got jittery, and she did duck it.
She said, “Buddy, just go!
And I think that you know
Where to take your proposal and tuck it.”
A man left his family dismayed
by saying he would not be swayed
from voting once more
for Trump in two-four
before inhaling a whole can of Raid!
Hit the post; came down hard (the poor fellow)
They suspected ‘Concussed’ (he looked mellow)
“Pass this test” said the Doc
“Count the hands on that clock”
So the champ stared real hard and said…“Yellow?”
Hermann Rorschach was not a great guest.
In fact, he was rather a pest.
He’d spill ink everywhere.
Stain your rugs and your chair.
Then tell you “It’s only a test.”
The parked vehicle shuddered and swayed,
And such noise from within it was made!
From these signs I was betting
That someone was getting…
Quite sick. What, you thought I’d say “laid”?
Your intelligence quotient is best
Measured by an appropriate test,
Where all of the questions,
The worst and the best ones,
By Stanford-Binet have been blest.
Lost at sea, with hope gone, our yacht drifted.
Several birds came aboard as fog lifted.
A cinnamon teal
took control of the wheel.
The duck, as it turned out, was gifted.
Selling Is An Art
“Do you really think you can persuade
Me to buy this dress? Look! It’s all frayed!”
“Dah’ling please be aware
That ev-er-y tear
Is stylish, since each one’s handmade.”
Executive Meeting
“Listen close, here’s the way to persuade
The consumers, now don’t be afraid:
Here at “Ev’rything Inc.
We must lie, so they think
Each product we sell is top-grade.”
Elementary School Golf Competition: The Results Are In
Coach Joe said, “You aren’t “The Star”
Though not gifted, you’ve come very far.
Right now you’re below.
So give it a go.
And soon you’ll be way over par.”
When I was young, I would merge on a highway, without even thinking it was difficult. Now, (many decades later) I am petrified.
My solution, I feel, is real wise.
Try it out, all you aged gals and guys:
When required to merge,
Give into your urge.
Then Go for it. Duck. Close your eyes.
We were jittery, fearful and reeling.
It gave us an unearthly feeling:
The Star View Hotel
Cast a real eerie spell,
Cuz our room had a hole in the ceiling.
The Latest Internet Merger
No merger could ever replace
This recent one. What a disgrace!
An ungifted designer
Coined this hair-brained one liner:
Now streaming, the new “You Twit Face”
A RIDDLE
Who always makes sure to dissuade
Till you feel very strongly dismayed?
They love you although
But surmise you are slow.
It’s your Family! “The Hinder Brigade.”
His numbers are up as of late;
So Trump thinks indictments are great.
That notion, at best,
Would be put to the test
If “Guilty!” determines his fate.
“Whaddya Think?
All day long I felt nervous and stressed.
The verse that I wrote was my best.
Do I have the potential
To create what’s essential?
Ms. Kane “This Is Only A Test.”
I get jittery when I’m on stage.
Could it be that’s because of my age?
I was gifted, you know,
Such a long time ago.
Perhaps, coming back wasn’t sage.
Justin Verlander, Scherzer and I
Have bid that New York team good bye.
Those two pitchers, it seems,
Are now on other teams.
And I? I just sit here and cry.
“England, 1978” (Tests Theme)
A long time ago, some smart “high techs”
Said, “Couples can now say, “Goodbye Sex”
Test tube babies are chic
And what makes them unique:
All their tooshies have imprints of “Pyrex.”
“Comprehend ev’ry syllable stressed.
Understand them and just try your best.
You must persevere.
Overcome your big fear.
With regard to this anapest test.”
At math’matics I never was clever,
A bit of a lost cause endeavour.
My attempts alphabetic
Were also pathetic,
But was I good at algebra? Never!
Attention All Limerick-Off Procrastinators: The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
“The Nerd Test”
I won the Nerd Test. I’m a pro!
I answered the question like so:
Please write down the date
That you met your true mate.
“Three versions of Windows ago.”
Hey Mad,
I just noticed that the baseball related limerick I submitted on Aug. 15th does not qualify for this competition. I sent it in the wee hours of the morning.
Sorry.
Rudy
Thanks so much everyone for another fun Limerick-Off, which is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 512. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off BOARD/BORED.