Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SCENE or SEEN or OBSCENE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: April 1, 2023)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SCENE or SEEN or OBSCENE at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to WHEELS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best WHEEL-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
MEAL, FAN, WATCH, BUSINESS, SLEEP
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on April 2, 2023, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 1, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my SCENE or SEEN or OBSCENE-Rhyme Limerick:
A young fellow, no more than nineteen,
Would steal golf carts and often be seen
Careening around
On his campus. He’d found
A trump card: His dad was the Dean.
And here’s my WHEELS-Themed Limerick:
When I ask for the wheel, you refuse me.
“Backseat driver,” you say? Don’t accuse me!
I’m in front, so your claim
Is abusive and lame.
It’s so foolish, you almost amuse me.
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
Ever been to a bus’ness lunch? Yuk!
You’ve one scheduled? You’re stuck? Well, good luck!
I’m no fan of such meals,
Where you’re s’pposed to make deals,
Watch your manners, and NEVER say “Fuck!”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Business Humor, Business Limerick, Competition Limerick, Dining Humor, Driving Humor, Driving Limerick, Food Humor, Food Limerick, Golf Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest, Poetry Prompt, Theft Humor, Theft Limerick, Wheels Humor, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest, Writing Prompts
The caveman did finally reveal
An invention he thought so ideal
To greatly enhance
The human advance
At long last, he made a square wheel
Kids sing of the wheels on the bus
As it merrily bypasses us
They make faces and wave
Oh, I wish they’d behave!
Their attitude leads me to cuss!
Bindy Bitterman, Chicago
Okay, third try’s the charm:
Said Grok, “I’ve invented the wheel.”
Said his fellow stone-agers, “Big deal.
Can’t eat it or throw it
Or play it or blow it…
At least it’s not easy to steal.”
An old stripper and vaudeville queen
Was sev’ral bad gigs past ‘has been’.
She still treads the boards
Sans her previous hoards
Who’s mem’ries are far less obscene.
Tween’s Church Knows Best?
She thought him misguided and mean
When he labeled her lyrics obscene:
Wow, eternal damnation!
Creative stagnation
Results when he comes on the scene.
But it’s all ’bout the letter of law
When he senses rebellion, a flaw
To stamp out at its root.
Get in line, child, now scoot!
Independence and talent flogged raw
(It’s high time foolish parents looked, saw!).
Man, I thought the first two words were “METAL FAN”.
🤘
Toxic Wokeness
It’s impossible: trying to glean
What the masses are deeming obscene!
Give the wrong group some sass?
Fuckers cancel your ass.
We comedians better break clean.
I just find myself feeling so pensive
Over what other folks find offensive.
Everything’s “open smut”
Till your tribe is the butt –
The hypocrisy’s quite reprehensive!
Also SCENE / SEEN but VACCINE instead.
“Howdy-doo,” muttered Dr. McBean.
“You have come to receive a vaccine?”
She said, “Doc, listen here:
By ‘please stick in my rear
Your big plunger,’ that’s not what I mean.”
Oops! Please replace my earlier post with this one (L5 whose).
An old stripper and vaudeville queen
Was sev’ral bad gigs past “has-been”.
She still treads the boards
Sans her previous hoards
Whose mem’ries are far less obscene.
MEAL, FAN, WATCH, BUSINESS, SLEEP
In the business of watching folks sleep,
People look at you like you’re a creep.
I’m a fan – I must say –
Of my boss, NSA:
Eat my meal while I monitor “sheep.”
Said a rock star whose cool name was Sloopy
“My bedroom’s so hot, I feel loopy.”
Called his new PA man:
“I Can’t sleep; need a fan”
And was promptly supplied with a groupie!
Loving mother speaks up for her lad:
“Watching ladies undressing is bad,
But his father admiring,
This fan boy’s aspiring –
As boys do – to take after his dad.”
It is said of inventing the wheel,
That it was, and still is, a big deal.
Of old things we admire,
It’s right up there with fire,
And combined, gave the automobile.
“Our perspective on what is obscene,
Has undergone changes. I mean,
Roman orgies were lewd,
Pornographic and rude:
Nowadays, they’d be quaint and routine.”
“Ah, the weekend’s upon me – ideal!
Business done, I’ll enjoy a square meal,
Watch the game – I’m a fan –
Get some sleep, if I can,
And then work on my sentence appeal.”
Not all inventions were taken seriously.
(In the British vernacular)
You’ve invented a free-floating craft?
With no wheels either side, fore or aft?
That can go anywhere
On a cushion of air?
Are you taking the piss, or just daft?
The actors are doing a scene
Where one of them gets in between
Two others in bed;
Then there’s laughter instead.
How threesomes make PG-13.
Way up on Seattle’s Great Wheel,
The others are starting to squeal.
He sits there perplexed
And most certainly vexed
By moisture he’s starting to feel.
An invention by chemist Martine
Turned pool water that’s peed-in bright green.
When asked why, she’d enthuse,
“Well, I’m French — from Toulouse —
And the French word for ‘pool’ is ‘piscine.'”
My nutritionist, Dr. Jane Smith,
Says: “The need for big meals is a myth.
Watch your portions, I say,
And sleep eight hours a day —
But I surely won’t tell you who with.”
The forensic department is keen
To solve murders with info they glean.
They’ve just found a box
With six locks, under rocks.
Its contents? – Remains to be seen.
I’m confessing that I tend to preen.
I’m so gorgeous that most folks turn green.
l dazzle, and yet,
I do have one regret —
That my privates I must leave unseen.
A clean limerick’s rather absurd;
Smutty jokes, I insist, are preferred.
Sex is what they’re about,
Though scatology’s out –
They should be obscene, but not turd.
(A couple of old ones)
The Cardinal, quite a big wheel,
Had a dog before whom he would kneel.
He explained to some geezers
The pooch was called Jesus –
“When called, he will come straight to heal.”
The chap who invented the wheel
Couldn’t get the idea to congeal.
“The concept is there”,
Said his wife, “But a square?
“It needs to be rounder, I feel.”
Bother! I’ve just realised that when I dashed off my first piece above, I forgot that ‘obscene’ was supposed to be the rhymeword. Oh, well, back to the drawing-board.
For a limerick, smutty’s okay,
But scatology’s best kept away.
No point if they’re clean,
So they should be obscene
But not turd, is what I always say,
A man thought he was unseen
and started to dress down obscene.
People said, “You ain’t invisible!
You’re just so damned dismissable
and don’t even rate in our scene!”
My suggestion? Avoid the latrine,
Or else brace for the stench and the scene
From the strata of shit
That persist in the pit.
It is hardly a House of Hygiene.
When I got, at the age of sixteen,
My first set of wheels, I was green–
Didn’t realize the need
To take heed of my speed.
That first crash, though, I should have foreseen.
My Apple Watch tells me I sleep
Like a log, never hearing a peep.
But I think it is lying
‘Cause lying there, trying
To sleep, I just keep counting sheep.
I work at GM and I feel
That my job’s not exactly ideal.
Because I am new,
I get little to do;
And it seems I am just a fifth wheel.
Of lim’ricks there has been a glut,
Resplendent with puns and with smut.
So, what can we glean
From this dismal scene?
Good taste has been down in a rut.
DeSantis loves to make scenes,
Broadcasting his racist routines
Says he’s anti-woke
But we know the joke
Is he has no idea what ‘woke’ means.
Said the ape “Let’s escape, here’s the deal:
I’ll steal the zoo’s truck, – take the wheel”
They were caught in Havana
Selling dodgy banana.
The arrest was then (s)quashed on appeel.
When I was a very young man
I loved tractors as much as folk can.
An air-moving machine
Then came onto the scene –
And now I’m an extractor fan.
It is said that a house in Ephesus
Is the home of the mother of Jesus.
Many times have we been
But she’s never been seen –
So I think that she hides when she sees us.
To write a great limerick that’s clean
The ending must be unforeseen.
If you can’t make each rhyme
Sublime every time
Then it’s better off being obscene.
Said a lady, “My brand new bile d..d..d..d..duct
Is there ‘cos the old one was f..f..f..f..failing to work.
I just love it to b..b..b..b..bits.
It’s right under my t..t..t..t..tum
Which my husband has quite often s..s..s..s..seen.
A somnambulist said to a shrink,
“I’m a sleepwalker. What do you think?”
Said the doc, “I’m a fan
Of walking, so can
We meet up Friday night for a drink?”
A structure of wheels within wheels –
What could be the truth it conceals?
Well, Ezekiel said,
“I saw it in my head,
After ten beers and two dodgy meals.”
Quite simply, I’ve never been keen
On judging some things as obscene.
Suppose what is viewed,
Whether naughty or lewd,
Is something somewhere in between.
A man wanted to be seen
After wearing cut out butt jeans
He enticed a crowd
Who got very loud
Because what he wore was obscene
He tried to put on a scene
Because the wig he wore was lime green
He sashayed about
Like a boastful peacock
He’s now a high paid drag queen
The meal didn’t turn out as plan
No season, the food was bland
His friends chewed him out
Then scattered about
He realized, they wasn’t a fan
There once was a Curate named Jean
Who had an affair with the Dean.
One sermon perverse
They were seen to rehearse
The one on the Mount, how obscene!
Proverb-dyslexic Irene
Says stuff that she really don’t mean.
Today she got riled
At her noisy young child
And screamed, “Kids should be heard and not seen!”
When drowsiness hastens its creep,
My state of repose is quite deep.
As chill as it seems,
If there aren’t any dreams,
There’s nothing to watch in my sleep.
Ancient potters had grown discontented,
All their “potty” stuff misrepresented.
Said one entrepreneur,
“We will THROW our manure!”
So the very first wheel was invented.
If they call you to testify, go!
Though the wheels of our justice are slow.
It’s very de jure,
And I’ll always view your
Subpoenas with envy, you know.
A pun?
Oh,oh. “de jure” is pronounced in English as [DAY] + [JOOR] + [EE]
So, let’s give it another try.
If they call you to testify, go!
Though the wheels of our justice are slow.
It’s your duty, for sure.
And I’ll always view your
Subpoenas with envy, you know
That night was indeed quite upsetting.
Something told me that I would be sweating.
Never known as ideal,
Once again, the third wheel
At my very own elegant wedding.
The Watchman’s the one who assigns
The chefs to make food of all kinds.
He asked “Killer Lucille”
Her request for “last meal”
Lucy asked for the list of white wines
Death Penalty 2022 Texas
The Watchman’s the one who assigns
The chefs to make food of all kinds.
He asked “Killer Lucille”
Her request for “last meal”
And she asked for the list of white wines.
(better)
When a King feared his food had been basted,
With a poison, he’d have it pre-tasted.
If the taster fell dead,
The King watched him and said,
“What a pity — another meal wasted.”
“My Life As A Pilgrim” ( I use Pond’s to look much younger)
We pilgrims were smelly, (not clean)
Pickled parsley, our fav’rite cuisine.
God would sure look askance
If we jived the new dance.
And it killed us to not be obscene.
Well, hello, Lisi
It’s so nice to have you back where you belong
*****
From Mad:
I couldn’t resist posting “Hello Dolly.”
Thanks, Rudy!
The Senior Home’s wisely created
With ramps, and we all are elated.
On each wheelchair’s a sign
With a lovely design
Which states, “Walking’s Plumb Overrated”
I’m writing this lim’rick ‘bout ‘seen’.
It’s dull. It’s not even obscene!
Who picked this damn word?
Oh, Mad Kane, I’ve heard!
It isn’t good. Know what I mean?
The limelight, he still wants to steal.
His motto makes evil so real:
“If you’re not a ‘Trumper’,
You’re a ‘mother humper’!”
Let’s kick him off his fortune wheel!
Lisi is back –hooray! I echo Rudy’s and Mad’s and Satchmo’s
joyful “Hello!”
I bought a small a compost machine;
The stuff it exudes is obscene.
As I muck the thing out,
About this there’s no doubt:
I do not enjoy going green.
Sorry for the small….a….typo. Now I must clog the blog with
more composting posting.
I bought a small compost machine;
The stuff it exudes is obscene.
As I muck the thing out,
About this there’s no doubt:
I DO not enjoy going green.
Our Disneyland room had a terrace,
That seemed fit for a queen or an heiress.
Said my friend, with a squeal,
“Look — I see a big wheel!”
But, alas, it was only the Ferris.
Thank you Mad, Rudy, Sjaan, and Satchmo, (in heaven)
“Randoms” from Dolly
“Last Line Just A Joke”
My fans have bestowed recognition.
And soon, I shall add a submission.
Although you’ve been nice,
Here’s sagacious advice:
Watch out for some stiff competition.
(Yeah, Right) :)
My boyfriend’s a “hot sex machine”.
He calls me his “Sensual Queen.”
But last night when he stayed,
I was somewhat dismayed
Cause he didn’t create a big scene.
(Theme and randoms)
Retired, and perceived as a loner,
She loves travel; food; sex (she’s a moaner!)
She gets her best “high”
When the Meals On Wheels guy
Serves her meat & two veg, with a boner.
After lettuce each meal as his diet,
Mouse then jumps on his wheel. What a riot!
I may watch with disdain,
But his message is plain:
“It’s exercise — you ought to try it.”
They’re known as “Asleep at the Wheel”;
The band with a Texas-twang feel.
When Willie began
To sit in with the clan,
His high notes were part of the deal.
(Willie Nelson recorded “Willie and the Wheel” a few years back.)
Correction Of Limerick
My fans have bestowed recognition.
And soon I shall post a submission.
Although they’re real nice,
For them, I’ve advice:
Watch out for some stiff competition.
Senior Neighborhood Watch
That damn “Neighborhood Watch” makes me weep.
I can’t even tempt “Bill the Creep
With my breasts hanging low,
And my one tooth aglow.
I’ve been trying for years. I need sleep.
An ex-president started to whine:
“Give me back all those papers! They’re MINE!”
Let the adage be so:
Wheels of justice grind slow,
But also exceedingly fine.
“The Wheel” is a comforting game.
Ev’ry time that I watch, it’s the same.
When I stare at the blanks,
As a fan I give thanks
To both V_ _ _ _ and old Whats_ _ _name.
I remember when I was fourteen
My grammar was not very keen.
Then I met Tutor Geek
Who taught me to speak.
He’s the best teacher I ever seen.
If you are an entrepreneur,
Be ready for what will occur;
When manure hits the fan.
Though you’ve done all you can,
Your business goes bust in a blur.
Police woman, all calm and serene,
Said “That yellow junk yours?” near the scene.
She meant my wrecked Comet.
Me, dazed, thinking ‘vomit’
said “Mine’s over here, – and it’s green”.
The “wifey” refuses to whirl.
Even worse, she will not do “The Twirl”
She is always asleep.
All night long I would weep.
Till I found me a sweet business girl.
A porn acting novice, Kayleen,
Was questioning – “What does it mean
When Jake over there
Says he’s ‘loaded for bear’?
I thought we were shooting a scene.”
The charmed Prince gave the Beauty a poke.
He’d been watching her sleep. Now he spoke:
“One whole century gone —
This is no time to yawn.
Now wake up! Or you’ll never get woke.”
A private limerick for Mad and me.
My lim’rick was deemed to be spam?
Because of the Mencken I am?
It wasn’t obscene.
Perhaps a tad mean.
But frankly, I don’t give a damn.
The business of “I like to watch”
Is something you don’t want to botch.
For viewers these days,
Let them see how it plays
By raising things more than a notch.
I once stiffed a psychic named Jeanne.
I feel guilty, so now I’ll come clean.
She had billed me a grand
But I told her, “Pound sand!” —
Which was something she should have foreseen.
To spice up my writing routine,
I searched out new words, all obscene.
I’d use them in verses,
But golly gee curses,
I have no idea what they mean.
An airliner dumping its can
Flew over the house where a man
Was watching a game.
Through his ceiling it came;
And that’s when the shit hit the fan.
(True story – A few years ago, a Seahawks fan was watching a game
when a frozen block of lavatory waste discharged by an airliner
came crashing through his ceiling. Luckily, no one was hurt.)
A male cheetah with amorous zeal,
Watched the females, then made his appeal.
One gal saw a gazelle,
And replied, “Very well.
But first you must spring for a meal.”
I’m the brain inside MY human’s head;
My business is: Meals; toilet; bed.
Plus, when it can’t sleep,
I provide lots of sheep,
Or write lim’s, -It’s so easily lead.
The D-Rump still bellows and squeals;
Regurgitates “all of those steals”.
His campaign befits
This malodorous blitz;
A garbage truck spinning its wheels.
A sailor I’ve frequently seen
Has a noteworthy posture and mien.
One leg’s long, one leg’s short;
So she lists some to port.
Apropos, since her name is Eileen.
I’m embarrassed to admit this happened, but it actually DID !!
“The Clueless Mother, Me” All that’s untrue is his name, because it didn’t rhyme.
When my clutch start was stuck, I was fearing
A heart attack, (near a dark clearing.)
I called my son, Neil.
He said, “Turn the wheel.”
Still stumped, cause he didn’t say, “steering”
“A big meal sends me straight off to sleep –
A fact known to the woman I keep.
And when she’s feeling festive,
Or randy and restive,
She will feed me and leave me, the creep!”
“Mistress Fortune, when spinning her wheel,
Seems to favour the blackguards with spiel.
Not the kind and the meek,
Who deserve a good week,
But the blighters who lie, cheat and steal.”
“Okay people! Let’s finish this scene.
And will someone get word to our queen!
Biggus, luv, we need wood –
Yes, right now, if you could …
Get two fluffers to help him! He’s green.”
Her business is dances for laps;
Considered the best one, perhaps.
For gaining new fans,
She has various plans;
Allow them to fill in the gaps.
On second thought…
Her business is dancing on laps;
Considered the top one, perhaps.
For gaining new fans,
She has various plans;
Allows them to fill in the gaps.
The governor tried to demean
Porn actors for being “unclean.”
They marched yesterday
And the headline would say:
“Obscenity causes a scene.”
A purloiner of odes, “Carpe” Dimm,
Stole a body of work, on a whim.
Dimm’s dealer, so keen,
Bought the ‘work’, – sight unseen
But the ‘body’ was missing a lim’.
A porn film collector would screen
The movies he managed to glean.
Whenever the mood,
One-by-one they were viewed;
In short, that would make them obseen.
It was Silicon Valley, the bank,
That recently went in the tank.
What to make of this scene.
Does this really mean,
That the whole banking system is rank?
Silicon Valley part 2
You withdrew all your money, you say?
And you stashed it quite safely away,
Where it can not be seen?
Now you’re calm and serene?
Is it under your mattress today?
Silicon Valley 2 Redux
You withdrew all your money today?
And you stashed it quite safely away
Where it can not be seen?
Now you’re calm and serene?
It’s now under your mattress, you say?
Watching ovines en masse is absurd
Those who count (frankly) should be referred.
Those noisy-beast sheep
In your routine (to sleep)
Should be seen single file, and not herd.
A naturist from Abilene
Is one who will posture and preen.
She’ll lounge in her chair
While the neighbors all stare;
A scene of anatomy seen.
“How To Bungle A Bank Robbery”
He said that his business is “stealing”.
Alas, this guy’s M.O’s revealing.
His name is Gerard.
Gives bankers his “card.”
He works for the firm of Shla-Mealing.”
We stepped out last night for a meal.
This new place that never did feel
Quite right; waiter Stan
Was a MAGA hat fan,
So doggie bags finished the deal.
A businessman thought he’d get far
As he watched a hot gal in a bar.
His attempt was a loss;
She was wed to his boss.
Now he sleeps and takes meals in his car.
When someone exclaims “that’s obscene!”
I’ll try to discern what they mean.
Expressing dismay
At some naughty display?
OK, let me look at your screen…
He purchased a self-driving car
For traveling both near and far.
As part of his deal,
They pre-programmed the wheel
To steer him back home from the bar.
One night on the way, he was stopped.
The officer noticed he’d propped
His feet on the dash;
Then an offer of cash
The car made and charges were dropped.
When I drive the passengers feel
Nervous as four tyres squeal
But they really turn white
When I close my eyes tight
And shout “Jesus please take the wheel!”
Political, albeit parochially so from a UK PoV:
The wheels of justice grind slow,
But exceedingly fine, don’tcha know,
But not in the Met,
Fine’s unstarted yet,
After twenty-five years of no-go.
Directing an X-rated scene,
His style was demand and demean.
An actor he tasked
With a retake was asked
“Who said you get rest in between?”
“I was roused from a very deep sleep,
Much annoyed at an incessant bleep
Which, invading my dreams,
Had undone all my schemes
To watch football in bed with Ms Streep.”
I said to my wife, “Take the wheel
While I finish my Taco Bell meal.”
She peeled out. I’d a hunch
That I might lose that lunch.
She’s a fan of Andretti, for real.
“Let me help you to picture the scene:
Summer’s day; cricket match; village green.
Thwack! The leather meets bat;
Village bobby sans hat;
Raucous laughter from all. (Was that mean?)”
Right here in our city you’ll find
A business that’s one-of-a-kind.
If you’re a big fan
Of the movies, you can
Indulge but “be kind – please rewind.”
Though his Business Plan reads a bit clunky,
He presents it with pride cuz he’s spunky.
Plus, he knows where to find,
A used organ to grind.
All he needs are some fans and a monkey.
When I make a date for a MEAL
I choose Liberals. What’s the appeal?
They’re fun, smart, and, hey,
They pay their own way
(And I WATCH for a Two-For-One deal!)
Watch out if you like “Kelly’s” grub.
It’s not a salubrious pub.
The food tastes like kibble.
Don’t eat even a nibble.
There’s a cat in the backroom meal-tub.
I can’t keep my urges at bay.
No more Mister Nice Guy, I say.
Just watch as I steal —
(And it won’t be piecemeal) —
Your heart and your soul, all the way.
Have you heard about Margie O’Boyle?
She eats 12 meals a day. You’d recoil
If you watched her in spikes
When she constantly strikes
About 42 gallons of oil.
To his parents the Typical Teen,
May appear to dislike being seen.
To his room he retreats,
But soon takes to the streets,
With a coif he has dyed neon green.
Wheels of fortune get stuck in the mud, –
Bring you straight back to earth with a thud.
Then your mind fills with doubt
As the wheels turn about
And a voice murmers “Trust me, – I’m Gud”.
(Last line change for my 03/22 6:28 pm post)
He purchased a self-driving car
For traveling both near and far.
As part of his deal,
They pre-programmed the wheel
To steer him back home from the bar.
One night on the way, he was stopped.
The officer noticed he’d propped
His feet on the dash;
Then an offer of cash
Was made by the car – Charges dropped.
Used to stand and watch hookers stroll by.
Couldn’t rise to that pie in the sky.
Now their business is growing,
It’s a thrill to be owing
It to PhalloFill. Give it a try.
Does anyone understand “King Lear” , cause I sure don’t.
“Act 3, Scene 4”
The most puzz’ling scene I’ve ever seen
In “King Lear” is betwixt and between.
Is Edgar Poor Tom?
(Who is surely not calm)
Or did Eddie have too much caffeine?
I like to sleep after a meal
That’s usually how I do feel
And I do have to watch
After imbibing Scotch
Or I’ll lose on my next business deal
127 Hours
When a boulder dislodged and then landed,
Aron Ralston thus found himself stranded.
Not the stickiest scene
In which he’s ever been,
He got out of that jam single-handed!
(Rhymeword + random)
I was falling asleep on the can,
When into my mind this thought ran:
Are Mad’s limericks obscene?
“FUCK!” See what I mean?
That’s probably why I’m a fan.
There can be no greater ordeal
Than watching your dog eat his meal.
He slobbers and slurps,
Passes gas as he burps;
But you love him, if he learns to heel.
A true limerick: “Spunky and Feisty Senior Citizen” (Me)
My life is now very serene.
I’ve met Alan. I feel like a queen.
The truth must be told.
Although we are old,
We’re still naughty and rather obscene.
SCENE, SEEN, OBSCENE
So when looking at many a scene
I am glad that not one is obscene
Which is such a relief
There is then just no grief
Or the need to forget what I’ve seen.
WHEELS
Where I live we call an auto a motor
And attached to each corner’s a rotor.
WHEELS
Where I live we call an auto a motor
And attached to each corner’s a rotor
We call each a wheel
And through corners they squeal
“Cos they don’t want to end up factota!
MEAL, FAN, Watch, BUSINESS, SLEEP
First it’s business, then evening meal
And I’ll watch a film reel to reel
I watch one, not a heap.
That would send me to sleep
And the breeze from the fam I’d not feel.
FAN not FAM!!!
“Take Me Home Country Roads” (John Denver)
Manhattan is not real appealing.
Those “yankees” up here get me reeling!
I don’t see no cricks.
I miss all them hicks.
I’m makin’ my way back to Wheeling.
A lewd exhibitionist queen
Loved to publicly do things obscene.
When I whispered to her
‘Bout the sex I’d like prefer,
She suddenly wasn’t too keen.
I had “Doggie Cam” synced to my phone,
So if business calls, Pup’s not alone.
Should he make a big swatch
Of my couch, I can watch,
And then yell at the screen, “Not a bone!”
“Wheel Of Fortune’s” a game I must win.
On my face, you will ne’er see a grin.
I’m not a big dope.
So I won’t give up hope.
Cause now it is my turn to spin.
“Off To The Mart”
That “scooter” is great at the mart.
Sit down, press the button, then start.
Walking used to be fun,
But now I am done.
I can’t even wheel the damn cart.
This limerick’s deep and quite lyrical,
It isn’t remotely satirical,
But if I keep it clean
Without turning obscene
It will be such a fucking great miracle.
BARNYARD Ob-Scene-ity:
A buxom young heifer, Maxine,
Had brisket the best ever seen.
In the bulls’ psyche
She’s Aphrodite
With teats of dimension Holstein.
An oxen endowed in extreme,
Rose up every day with a gleam.
He’d come hot to trot
And loved when he got
A taste of her heavenly cream.
Then all the hot bulls looking mean
Would rut with intentions obscene.
But she never cowed
To that horny crowd
She fancied the milking machine.
So a couple have sex on the screen,
It’s explicit, in close-up, obscene.
Well I guess you should know
It’s a BBC show
And a couple of rabbits I mean.
My Small Business deal will not go well.
With no fan of my plan I can tell.
Those “angels” I call on
(I’m certain they’re fallen)
Are invested in saying, “Like hell!”
A Limerick Travel Guide
The folks are free-wheeling in Wheeling;
In Steele there’s a fair bit of stealing.
There’s NO fun at all
To be found in Blue Ball,
But in Fucking there’s lots of good feeling.
These are all real places. Wheeling is in West Virginia, Steele is in Missouri, Blue Ball is in Pennsylvania, and Fucking is in Austria (though they changed the name a couple of years ago because their street signs kept getting stolen).
A crafty old conger named Dean
Was the Knave of Hearts for the Queen
Stole and ate the Queen’s tarts
But, left a trail of farts
And was captured not far from the scene
Attention All Limerick-Off Procrastinators: The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
I recall when I got my first wheels
There’s nothing compared to that appeals
Picked up my best girlfriend Jo
Then of to a drive in show
And ripped off hearing the tires squeal ⁹
When spring insects emerge, it’s obscene
I despise them, they love me-they’re mean!
I’m a human burrito
To the Midwest mosquito
A bug’s low-carb meal- pure protein!
With justice now turning its wheel,
We’re hearing an odious squeal
From T-Rump and friends;
He’ll need extra Depends
If perp walking’s part of the deal.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun Limerick-Off, which is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 507. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Just.