Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: WIRE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: May 28, 2022) NOTE: DON’T MISS THE EXTRA, EXPERIMENTAL LIMERICK CHALLENGE!
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using WIRE at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to WATER, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best WATER-related limerick.
And if all that isn’t enough, I’m adding an EXTRA, EXPERIMENTAL LIMERICK CHALLENGE TODAY! If it works out well, it may become an occasional, or perhaps even a regular Limerick-Off feature:
I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
RETIRE, ARROGANT, MISCREANT, SHOES, THINK.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on May 29, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, May 28, 2022, at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my WIRE-rhyme limerick:
This disbursement is urgent. It’s dire!
If it’s late, there’s no quelling the ire
Of a violent man
With a life-or-death plan.
Send it pronto. It’s down to the wire.
Here’s my WATER-themed limerick:
“The first time I jogged wasn’t fun.
I was parched when I’d barely begun;
I’d forgotten to heed
The “must bring water” creed
So, alas, ’twas a dreadful dry run.”
And here is my own RANDOM WORDS GENERATOR Limerick:
I think that my arrogant boss
Should retire already. No loss
Would be felt by his staff
We would all simply laugh,
Throw a party and roast him with sauce.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bad Bosses, Boss Humor, Competition Limerick, Crime & Punishment Humor, Dry Humor, Exercise Humor, Jogging Humor, Jogging Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Money & Finance Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Random Words, Random Words Generator, Running Humor, Running Limerick, Thirst Humor, Urgency Humor, Urgency Limerick, Water Humor, Water Limerick, Wire Humor, Wire Limerick, Workplace & Career Humor, Workplace Limerick, Writing Prompts
“I don’t think she got it right”
Oh Lord, we’ve got such a dumb daughter.
Who told us “It’s okay to slaughter
Ev’ry one of our kin.
And it isn’t a sin.
Cuz blood isn’t thicker than water”.
Burning question I have? Simply wire
Every thing I buy’s costing much hire?
They claim it’s some chain
Been a bane. What a pain!
My next meal? I got squat left to buyer.
And my ride? Got no cash to retire.
Dear Mad, I will need to be brunt:
This contest’s a rhyming affront!
Retire, shoes, and think
As rhyme words don’t stink,
But this one’s the pits: miscreant!
*****
From Mad:
While I’m sure you’re joking, it’s worth reminding everyone about this statement from my post about the Random Word contest:
“And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.”
The cop said, “You must wear a wire.
This case is exceedingly dire.
We must solve this caper,
So please find the raper
Who yells and shrieks, “Ready Aim Fire”
Eight glasses of water a day?
Who does that? It’s crazy. No way!
I’ll tell you right now,
I wouldn’t know how
To keep my bad bladder at bay.
.
Her nice Jewish mother once taught her:
“If you need forgiveness, my daughter,
Because you have sinned;
Please don’t be chagrined.
Just go toss some bread onto water.”
Unfortunately, she’ll have to wait until Rosh Hashanah.
Correction Of Limerick #1, in which I used “isn’t” twice
“I Don’t Think She Got It Right”
Oh Lord, we’ve got such a dumb daughter
Who told us “It’s okay to slaughter
Ev’ry one of our kin
And it won’t be a sin.
Cuz blood isn’t thicker than water.”
My doctor informed me I oughter
Be drinking much less. Well, I thought, a
Good doctor knows best,
So I kept all the rest,
And I told him I’d given up water.
I think that the rest of my life
Will be free from all troubles and strife.
At this time, I aspire
To completely retire.
Making sure that I don’t tell my wife.
“I was once in your shoes,” said McGuire.
‘Just an arrogant pistol for hire.
Getting’ shot made me think,
So, I saw me a shrink,
Who said, ‘Miscreants, too, can retire.’”
I had to pluralize Miscreant – is that acceptable, Mad?
*********
From Mad:
Yes, pluralizing miscreant is fine. As I said in my post about the Random Word Contest:
“(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)”
Powdered Water? Is this a new fad?
It’s something I sure never had!
I thought, “What the heck?”
Came home was a wreck.
Fully clueless about what to add.
“I was once in your shoes,” said McGuire.
“Just an arrogant pistol for hire.
I got shot, thrown in clink,
Where I started to think
That a miscreant, too, can retire.”
No worries, Mad. I’ve sorted it.
***********
From Mad:
Your earlier version is better, in my opinion. And here’s a repeat of my response to your earlier version:
Yes, pluralizing miscreant is fine. As I said in my post about the Random Word Contest:
“(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)”
My most versatile shoes are my Crocs;
I can wear them to church or on walks.
I think they’re designed
With “matching” in mind,
‘Cause they’re all full of holes — like my sox.
On my bottle it says “It’s still water”.
This annoys me much more that it oughta.
I stare at the label
And think, “Is it able
To change into something like porter?”
Whenever I water my plants,
I aim, to avoid hitting ants.
In one’s urination,
Such great dedication
Is the mark, sir, of English gallants.
There was an old man from Kintyre,
Who one day up his ass poked a wire.
It was blocked, so he thought,
By a cork from the port,
But he found just the usual mire.
“All your arrogance gets you is jail.
Repeat miscreants never get bail.
Put yourself in my shoes.
I retire if I lose,
And I don’t think, this time, we’ll prevail.”
That arrogant miscreant Cruz
(Remember “no more Nike shoes”?)
Is tenacious as hell,
But I think he might well
Retire in two years, should he lose.
When I wade into streams just to potter,
And then carelessly trample an otter,
What’s my arrogant wish?
It’s to not feel the squish.
So I always wear shoes under water.
“Tell me, why is it always “your way?”
I think I will leave you today!
You’re an arrogant snob.
Are you listening, Bob?”
“Excuse me, dear, “What did you say?”
“Wheels; levers; cogs; rods and wire,
Were materials used to inspire
His new-age direction
Of low-tech perfection,
But most just collapsed or caught fire.”
“Cinderella ran off with one shoe,
And her miscreant sis – she had two –
And their arrogant mum –
Who thought Cinders was dumb –
Were determined the prince to pursue.”
“For the shoe left behind was a clue,
And Prince Charming, who knew there were two,
With his thoughts on our girl,
Put the court in a whirl
By declaring, ‘No other will do!’”
“Ev’ry wanna be bride tried to squeeze
Her huge trotter when Charming said, ‘Please …’
But the shoe held its own.
It defied ev’ry groan,
Until Cindy inserted with ease.”
“And the moral? Don’t arrogant be.
And not miscreant, either. You see,
The shy, who retire,
Who think, ‘Can I aspire?’
When the shoe fits will garner le prix.” (The Prize)
Pass electricity through a thin wire
And you could end up starting a fire
Avoiding disaster
Might make you run faster
And keep going after you tire.
So you ended up starting a fire
There’s just one thing you need to acquire.
An extra large pail
Filled with water not ale.
Aim it well and the flame might expire
Do we think that Mad Kane should retire?
And submerge herself in the mire?
We say definitely “NO”
‘Cos her website would show
There’s no limerick writer to hire!
Selfish miscreant, Declan O’Dwyer,
Didn’t want his poor da to retire:
“You must earn me my bail
Lest I end in a jail.”
“Sorry, lad, t’was me wearin’ the wire.”
Doc Tinkle has hired my daughter.
She’ll answer the phone, as he taught’er:
“On the days we are busy,
Don’t go into a tizzy.
Just say, “Can you please hold your water?”
It’s an ill-advised act when you hire
A colorblind guy to cut wire.
You will surely get sued
For your life when the dude
Loses his – ‘cause he’s bound to expire.
The mosquitoes this year are so bad–
God forbid one who’s scantily clad
Ventures out near the water
Not wielding a swatter.
Forthwith, they’ll be stark raving mad.
I’ve noticed that since I retired
I don’t anymore feel much inspired
To heed dumb social cues
Set by others – so shoes
For me are no longer required.
If shoes had the power to talk,
I might ask what they thought of a walk.
“Well, we’re likely to groan
Till you lose a few stone…
This is YOUR postulation—don’t gawk!”
Some mad miscreant plugged in a wire —
The “RWG” is on fire!
Our brains now in tandem,
With words (I think) random,
Can’t resist, and refuse to retire.
An arrogant miscreant thinks
He should only wear shoes of live minks.
“I could likely retire,
Though just under the wire,
If it weren’t for my kicks and my kinks.”
At the seashore near my Alma Mater,
Met a mermaid and we had a daughter.
Though she’s living with me,
It’s quite easy to see
She’s a bit of a fish out of water.
Shrewd Poirot wouldn’t think to retire
From “The Curious Case of the Pyre,”
Where odd miscreants choose
To purloin corpses shoes,
And then use then to beat out the fire.
“How To Sell Bottled Water”
“Turn the faucet on; let’s take a chance.
The USians long for romance.
Now go get some flasks.
And if anyone asks,
Just say that they’re shipped here from France”.
She’s so arrogant; look at that mink.
I must tell you she never would sink
Right down to our level
She’ll only bedevil.
And thinks that her shit doesn’t stink.
I’ll retire as a miscreant as now I think
That sort of lifestyle really does stink.
No, I’m not being arrogant
I’ve had being a shallow gent,
Though no shoe-in, I’ll try hard not to shrink.
News now coming over the wire
Of a Californian massive great fire,
Trump said, “Have no fear
My new business is here,
I have all these new rakes for your hire.”
You’re old and you chose to retire
But now is when you should perspire!
Put on your new shoes,
You’ve nothing to lose,
And splash through the mud and quagmire.
A Wallendian high-flier
goes from frying pan to the fire
tightroping cable
hoping he’s able
to avert a trip-o’er-the-wire.
My girlfriend once planted a wire
to see what sick acts I’d aspire.
Day one led to snoring
from must me being boring,
and all her spy gear was retired.
Random 5
The arrogant miscreant’s shoes
Were covered in vomit and booze.
We wish he’d retire
And think to aspire
To a long interplanet’ry cruise …
Tightrope-walkers despise hurricanes;
Oily shoes and some low-flying planes.
But their maximum ire
Comes about when the wire
Gets connected direct to the mains!
Water’s made up of two gases
Despite that, we keep it in glasses!
A quite awesome molecule
Not gaseous – hydraulic, you’ll
Find no elixir surpasses.
Ann is one of those “arrogant pros”
Who wanted a real haughty pose.
Just look at her face
She went to “that place”
Where I think that they turn up your nose.
He knows not of my miscreant kink;
He’s so arrogant, I shudder to think
What he’d do if he knew,
(Since he insulted you)
That I hid his shoes under the sink.
“Next Case” (wire limerick only)
Now coming right down to the wire.
The case was exceeding dire.
All at once there was fright.
Ev’ry body took flight.
The miscreant’s pants were on fire.
I know it’s arrogant to think
That writing poetry is a kink
There are better things one does
Like shopping for designer shoes
Words are cheap compared to mink
My best friend is called Barbara Wyre,
And her comments about folk are dire.
She’s as catty as hell
And spills secrets as well
And her nickname, of course, is Barbed Wire.
A chance for romance, go for broke.
Get her car started, but choke.
I connected the wire,
That started a fire.
A girlfriend and car up in smoke!
I put wheels on my shoes; friends admire them.
I think I’m just the gal to inspire them.
There’s no arrogant scoff
When the “rollies” fall off,
I, instead, hear them cry, “Let’s retire them!”
The truth is, I feel incomplete.
But I can’t fill the need I must meet.
I have so many shoes.
Yet I’ve got funky blues
I think I need more than 2 feet.
It can certainly give you the blues
When retiring your favourite shoes
That remind of that trip
When your pumps lost their grip,
In the Interval rush to the Loos.
A Little Twist On Limerick Today At 12:30 PM (might be better)
Wire Limerick Only “Liar Liar”
Well, now it is down to the wire.
This case is exceedingly dire.
The defendant is next.
The people are vexed.
They should be. His pants are on fire.
The soprano just cancelled, it’s dire:
She’s I’ll and can’t sing with our choir.
We’ll use Tenor Jim Rawls
And hook-up his balls,
Using two-forty Volts and some wire.
She’s no bird-on-a-wire
But the kind you’d love to hire
Strong like a bull
She’ll work through Yule
Compared to her, how easily I tire!
Mad: May 16. 8.53pm. L2: “I’ll” should be “ill”. Replacement is below, Thanks.
The soprano just cancelled, it’s dire:
She’s ill and can’t sing with our choir.
We’ll use Tenor Jim Rawls
And hook-up his balls,
Using two-forty Volts and some wire.
It was coming right down to the wire.
Their license was due to expire.
He said: “Let’s call it off”,
As he faked a small cough.
“Getting married was not my desire.”
She replied, barely hiding her ire:
“You could have just sent me a wire.”
Then she asked him askance:
“With whom will I dance?
A seven piece band we did hire.”
I just can’t compete with these words
Every line is set sinking to die never heard
The paper is rotting
My passion transpiring
Yet life wakes when your down to wire
The Arrogant Club meets tonight.
Have you noticed they’re never polite?
I think they are vain,
A know-it-all pain.
Believe me cuz I’m always right.
It was Monday although there are time zone
The phone sang and, yes Tuesday was waiting
Oh the choices we make, and the fates we do tempt
To risk love
Poets walk the high wire
Then I fell and broke every rule
I’ll be shot and soon spin over fire
Oh the crime of this writing
There’s no hope to keep fighting
Instead of a rope they’ll use wire.
Oh help this poor ink I am bleeding
I should have been shot, or be sleeping
It’s well past my time
I can no longer rhyme
And I’ve forgotten to use the word wire
‘Twas a playful splash of water
that caused him to yell, “Why, I ought ta…
…deal ya a deathblow.”
“Ha ha, you think so,”
she said zigzagging his flyswatter.
Seeing birds perched on high in a throng,
Makes me question how things went so wrong:
One bird-brained desire,
To sit on a wire,
And the rest of them all strung along?
Stradivari, alas, did retire
Leaving music to set hearts afire.
But today, as a whole,
Music’s lost its sweet soul.
Violins strung with coarse metal wire?!
These new words make me feel “in the pink”
And Mad, I won’t put up a stink.
I’ll retire; buy shoes.
Won’t have arrogant blues.
And miscreant’s easy, (I think)
“Does this mean, since they’ve sent us a wire …?”
“Absolutely! Assume things are dire.
Either grand pa’s in clink,
There’s a bug in the sink,
Or your ma’s set the chimney on fire.”
When a Methodist girl from Penryn
Heard that alcohol use was a sin,
She decided she oughta
Drink nothing but water;
The tonic sort, topped up with gin.
In Charles Dickens’ day, miscreant Sikes,
Was defamed for his treatment of tykes.
But now here (in some states),
We revere reprobates,
So I think he gets plenty of “Likes.”
That arrogant Son of a B.
He thinks he is better than me.
Ev’ry time we shake sheets
I give him good treats.
As of now, he ain’t gettin’ it free.
OOPS!
It’s treats “are” not treats “it”
That arrogant Son of a B
He thinks he is better than me.
Ev’ry time we shake sheets,
I give him good treats.
As of now, he ain’t gettin’ them free.
My neighbor is nice, (can’t complain)
But he does something rather insane.
This very strange fella
Opens up his umbrella.
Then waters his lawn in the rain.
That old woman who lived in a shoe
Had a miscreant son with her who
Was a heel (damn his sole)
And who couldn’t control
His sharp tongue. With my shoe puns I’m through.
a retiree said, “that brat’s arrogant,”
so he sprayed his hose on the miscreant.
he soaked the boy’s shoes.
the kid got the blues,
but his mother thought gramps was heaven-sent.
Some ladies soon off on a cruise.
Will bring with far too many shoes.
It would be arrogant
To think that they can’t,
Wear three pairs a day if they choose.
Urgent Memo to Tim James (Serious Business)
I fear shoe puns are dwindling fast;
We’re boxed in — Retroscramingnats!* Blast!
With supply channels tapped,
Or clogged up, we are strapped,
And I’m thinking we’ll soon see the last.
*euphemism (I think) for arrogant miscreants
He FELL overboard on a cruise.
No doubt he had far too much booze.
Grabbed a board (stay afloat)
Lots of water (no boat),
But no water to drink (the bad news).
With computers and cells charged by wire.
She worried they could cause a fire.
He said “don’t give me grief
After all, I’m fire Chief.
Please, do not preach to the choir”.
The miscreant’s choice to retire
Was confirmed when he plundered the shire:
Dragged his sack o’er a fence;
Snagged his ‘other’ sac, hence
his voice is now two octaves higher.
“Silk Tot Hat And Gold-Tipped Cane: Dear Great Grandson”
“I hoofed in “The Harlem Revue”
I think it’d be ducky if you
Learned “a one an’ a two
And a doodle-e doo.
Which us cats called “The Bee’s Knees Soft Shoe”
All five!
A retired old miscreant thought
She’d return the new shoes she had bought.
Then she’d go back and steal them.
In her handbag conceal them.
She got arrogant when she was caught.
I wear real uncomf’table shoes.
They’re always the kinds that I choose.
I think they’re just right.
When they come off at night.
I take joy from my ahhs and my oohs.
When a lute-playing, soothsaying Crier,
Proclaimed, “Hear ye! Red hot off the wire!”
The townsfolk would jeer,
“He talks gibb’rish, this Seer!”
So he settled for playing the lyre.
“My son, you can whine, if you choose.
Your ailment is called, “Spoiled-Brat Blues”
I think you should know
That even in snow,
I walked miles in my old Gucci shoes”
When Don visits his old alma mater
(where he learned how to be a true rotter),
Walking ’round lovers’ lake,
He can feel that old ache,
For it happens when he passes water.
The apex to which she’d aspire
Was as Fashion faux-guru and liar.
The shoes she had on
Were fake Yves Saint Laurent,
Good for arrogant strides through her mire.
Will I drink?
I shoe horses all day with my daughter,
An arrogant, miscreant plotter.
“Dad, it’s down to the wire—
I’m ready—retire!”
I think she has led me to water.
The Amazon’s waters run deep.
The Victoria Falls are damn steep.
And our own Hudson River
Ain’t exactly chopped liver;
But the Styx, it will put you to sleep.
Water’s ev’rywhere; leakage won’t stop.
At this point, I’m ready to pop.
I’ve had 100 dates.
Each one of them hates
Me. All that I want is a drop.
“A funambulist, Blondin by name,
Performed feats in pursuit of great fame.
Crossed the falls on a wire –
Once in ape-suit attire.
I’d attempt it myself, but I’m lame.”
Extra Experimental Limerick
When I found a mouse in my bed,
“Retire, you miscreant!” I said,
So it hid in my shoes
Where at present I choose
To support it with small bits of bread.
“Now what will you have today, Clyde?”
“I’d like H2o”, Clyde replied.
“And what about you?”
“I’ll have H2o too”
Then shortly, “you” dropped down and died.
Said the king to his court: “It’s been said
My queen’s chastity belt has been shed
‘Cause my handsome young squire
Picked the lock with a wire.
Now he can’t give no head with no head.”
If you’re calling the one you desire
And the static’s too bad on the wire
To drop your big line,
Don’t worry, – it’s fine:
There’s a Wichita man you can hire.
As a miscreant, I shall retire,
Behave and be open for hire.
Some might arrogantly think
It’s because I’m in the clink,
But I shoo them off as a liar.
Having got myself on the wire
My situation isn’t so dire
Now I’m not all alone
And can work from home,
It’s just a job I require.
“Non-believers are miscreants?” “Right!
And as such must be slaughtered on sight.”
“Ain’t it arrogant, though,
That we think this is so?”
“No idea: I’m just here for the fight.”
“You’re a werewolf.” “I’m what?” “H2O –
You’re afraid of it, aren’t you? Ergo,
You’re a lycanthrope, friend.
So, may I recommend
That you stay well away from the eau.”
“H2O makes me tremble with fear.
I get faint if I even go near.
I don’t wash – Do I stink?
Not as much as you’d think –
And I only drink whisky, and beer.”
“Hydrophobia?” “That’s what he said.”
“What’s the treatment?” “I must stay in bed.
And I don’t need to wash,
Or eat water-based nosh, (Brit’ Eng. Noun: food)
And I have to drink beer when I’m fed.”
Bought a waterbed , me and “hub” Clark.
Then Clark made a candid remark:
He said, “It’s not cozy,
Let’s return it, dear Rosie”
Problem solved, though we did keep the shark.
An arrogant miscreant thought
He could sell drugs and never get caught
But a treacherous buyer
Was wearing a wire
Now prison’s the reprobate’s lot
I remember our wonderful dates.
We both had the very same gaits.
Cuz his shoe size is nine.
Guess what? So is mine!
I think we were destined sole mates.
I was arrogant, then took a pause.
I think that I did that because
It just wasn’t right.
I at last, saw the light.
And now I don’t have any flaws.
Said a miscreant, mean and malevolent,
“I won’t change — I’m not kind and benevolent.”
His brash, arrogant shrink,
Said, “You know what i think?
‘DO YOU!’ It’s a theme that’s more prevalent.”
Oops! Sorry Mad. Please delete previous version.
‘Found those ‘Honey Trap’ untruths you said
As we spooned, were to mess with my head.
So tell me now: – Why’re
You calling ME “Liar!”
When YOU couldn’t lie straight in bed.
( L5: Australian idiom. Refers to dishonest/ crooked person).
I think that this saying became
My fav’rite and merits acclaim:
It’s “If the shoe fits,
Make use of your wits
And buy one more exactly the same”
The movie’s most exciting scene,
Was a choice between red and green.
But the bomb squad’s new hire
Went and cut the wrong wire,
Leaving naught behind but his spleen.
A Quick Plot Of “Gigi” “Gaston”
Though arrogant, nonetheless classy,
Fell in love with a cutesy-poo lassie.
Once thought her a child.
Time went by; he went wild
When he noticed her hot luscious chassis.
The End
Maid Marian said to the squire,
“Yours is as thin as a wire.”
The squire said, “Marian,
You’ll end up as carrion
If you don’t do as I require.”
Whenever she shops, she thinks “Shoes!…”
Buying up many styles, in all hues.
‘Keeps her man on-the-go
As he runs to-and-fro
From the store to the car, with the blues.
Correction of limerick from 8:31 PM Plot Of “Gigi”
Thought arrogant, Gaston was classy.
Fell for Gigi, a very cute lassie.
He once thought her a child.
Time went by, he went wild,
When he noticed her hot luscious chassis
The End
Mad. Please delete my lim at May 20, 10.53am. Should have done my sharks homework. L1: “Great White” refers to an Australian shark, Not Trump (lol).
I was filming Bull Sharks (and some Blues),
Saw Trump fall overboard from his cruise.
Should’ve phoned 911
But my Ego said “Son, –
Just keep filming, – and Then call The News”
The Irish trapezist had flair;
The crowd of spectators would stare,
They would gasp and admire
As she flew from the wire –
She was well-named indeed: “Trudy Ayer”.
Based on a true story, changing names to protect the guilty and help the rhyme.
The news on the right-winger’s wire
Turned Jacob to climate denier.
I told him to “can it”
Lest we send our planet
From frying pan into the fire.
Alas, he reacts like a sucker
To all that he’s hearing from Tucker.
Jake’s biggest mistake:
“Climate science is fake!”
I lament for that poor m—f—er.
My pup, Pavlov, hates bones, eschews stews;
He’s conditioned, instead, to eat shoes.
I’ll cry, “Not the Prada!”
He’ll hear, “Yada yada,”
And think, “Where are those new Jimmy Chews?”
Another Mistake (sorry) Plot Of “Gigi”
Though arrogant, Gaston was classy.
He fell for a very cute lassie.
He once thought her a child.
Time went by, then went wild.
When he noticed her full-figured chassis.
Angry Uranus
I’m lookin’ for Ms. “High And Mighty”
Who’s naked, not even a nightie!
She’s the arrogant “Venus”
Who kidnapped my penis.
I think that her name’s Aphrodite.
Once upon a time in the news,
Imelda Marcos had the blues.
She asked, “Who’d ever think,
That they’d raise such a stink,
Because of a few extra shoes?”
They called him “The Shoe”
Willie Shoemaker, had no remorse.
The best of the best ’round the course.
(Though arrogant, cocky)
This masterful jockey
Fine’ly died and got off his high horse.
(In an interview in 1990, he actually did call himself “cocky”.)
A rhyme word for wire? I’m desireless,
Though my efforts have truly been tireless.
I should leave this unspoken,
But my radio’s broken,
And my rhyming has simply gone wireless.
Dodging storms at the ‘Trots’ with her Daughter;
Her need for a loo really caught’er.
So she raced her own Tush
Past the crowd, to a bush,-
But her tush only passed wind and water.
The new hot tub holds two million liters,
And is warmed by some nuclear heaters,
Plus the water is wetter—
Yessir—ev’rything’s better
At the home for old liars and cheaters.
This world’s connected by wire.
Information spreads like a fire.
But some of it’s fake
So care we must take
That we don’t enable a liar.
I’m finally gonna retire
The timing was down to the wire
I’ll get me some golf shoes
Nah, better some cheap booze
‘Cause caddying makes me perspire
I think I have arrogant shoes
They’re a show-offy shade of chartreuse
One revels in dung
One sticks out its tongue
At anyone trying to schmooze
(I just realized that this limerick uses neither the rhyme word nor the theme, but I’m posting it anyway in my arrogant miscreant persona.)
“Sire”:
There was an old man they called “Sire” ,
Who slept like a destitute frier;
They bestowed him a bed,
He slept in it like dead;
‘Cause the bed was just a sack of barbed-wire.
Florida Here I Come: No More Snow!
When retired, I’ll move far away.
To a beach resort, known as Delray.
Think I’ll live off my savings.
Indulge in my cravings.
(Wonder what I will do the next day?)
“…Then I just shoe’s him away..”
“Isn’t it shoos you should say?”
“Au contraire,” said the skipper,
“As I threw my slipper
And I’ve not seen it again since that day.”
The race was down to the wire
For the speedster and for the trier.
“I’ll win,” the hare jested
Then lay down and rested,
Tortoise won with no hint of perspire.
For their fantasies she was for hire —
A hooker who’d never retire.
Who’d think she was through?
At sixty she knew:
Their mother — that’s what men desire.
MESSAGE TO ALL: I’m beginning to think that my adding this experimental challenge was a mistake. Why? Because the overall quality of the limericks in all categories seems to be suffering. Oh well… Live and learn.
:–(
“Water”
The “street walker” went into town.
She came home soaking wet, had a frown.
Cuz when you’re in Venice,
Do not be a menace:
Take a gondola, lest you will drown.
A wire-walker, starting to tire,
Took a tumble while walking the wire,
Which he landed astride
With a leg on each side.
Now soprano’s his part in the choir.
Is that the sound of Dale Carnegie I hear, turning in his grave?
“Rudy’s mum doesn’t make my pulse race,
Even though I’m too old to give chase.
Were I still a livewire
I’d direct my desire
To a girl who won’t creak on embrace.”
“H2O isn’t stirring the muse.
Nor is wire. ‘Sorry, no! I refuse.’
And the challenge, per se,
Has, I think, had its day,
So, she’s feeling hard pressed to enthuse.”
In truth, I just had no desire
To live; my condition was dire.
Then one day I smiled.
Cuz the “fellas” went wild.
In view of my new underwire.
He’s an arrogant, miscreant liar,
And we think that his pants are on fire,
He’s so hard to excuse,
From his hair to his shoes.
How we wish our PM would retire!
The qual’ty of lim’ricks is strained.
So, how can that fact be explained?
There are too many choices
For our precious voices.
That’s how creativity’s drained.
A message we sent down the wire
To Don the inveterate liar,
“On January 6th
The election we’ll fix,
We’ll tell the Proud Boys what we require.”
Oh mercy, mercy dear Mad,
Look at the fun that we’ve had.
So your site is awash
With all sorts of tosh,
But is it all really that bad?
I THINK you’ll recall, if you choose,
Imelda with all of her SHOES
(And her MISCREANT spouse,
The ARROGANT louse)
Though RETIRED, her son’s now the news.
Wallenda was blazing with ire
When he wasn’t paid for a hire
“They lacked my address?!”
He said, “What BS!
They could have sent it by wire!”
A fellow, not brilliant, I posit,
Hid ganja in his water closet.
It came at great cost:
His pot was all lost,
As was his rental deposit.
The Donald was strumming a wire
On a banjo; his playing was dire.
“Hey, I know that you think
As a player I stink,
But I’m great when I’m playing the lyre.”
There’s this marvelous liquid I’ve found;
It’s called water. Its uses abound!
It cleans me and my clothes,
And it works, I suppose,
As a drink if there’s no booze around.
My bulb burned out so I’m de-lighted.
In the dark I am very short sighted.
Found bulb I require,
And traced down the wire.
Replaced it and now I’m delighted.
My golf drive requires a spotter.
My ball always flies towards the water.
I try not to fret
But my golf shoes get wet.
The wetter I get, well – the hotter.
Attention all Limerick-Off Stragglers: The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
The miscreant is a crim;
The arrogant sees others as dim;
To retire: go a-bed;
Think: ponder instead;
Shoes are a closed foot sole shim.
When the very cute Yupik awoke,
She knew this was surely no joke.
Ice cubes spread on the sheet.
She said,”Nanook , my sweet:
It’s time dear, my water just broke.”
The Pelican’s a cut above those
Other birds that just fly, perch and doze.
This bird, (so I’ve read),
Also stands on its head
In the water, and looks down its nose.
Naked pool party (not too discreet);
Jock is keen, and jumps in with both feet.
Then he wakes up, to find
That it’s all in his mind, –
Except for his warm and wet sheet.
Mad, sorry we’re not up to scratch,
We’ll Raise the Bar in our next batch.
If you drop the Word-queue
It adds Weight to “The two”
Without randoms, like Clean, Jerk, and Snatch.
The thrill of the ocean I crave
Even though every arrogant wave
Throws me into the drink
And I think as I sink
Am I doomed to a watery grave?
Thanks everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 496. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Show.
(As a result of feedback from participants, my experimental Random Word Generator limerick challenge is included in this next Limerick-Off. But it remains an experiment.)
The Show:
In this big world they have different joys,
In their need of happiness they use toys:
With a different show,
There is no need to know;
While some use life buoys, some use Rolls Royce.