Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: NOSE or KNOWS or NOES at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: April 16, 2022)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using NOSE or KNOWS or NOES at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to SECURITY, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best SECURITY-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on April 17, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 16, 2022, at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my NOSE or KNOWS or NOES-rhyme limerick:
A fellow named Joe often goes
To ENT docs — nasal pros.
Those rhinologists charge
Pricey fees; bills so large
That poor Joe’s forced to pay through the nose.
And here’s my SECURITY-themed limerick:
Though the homebuilder does know the score,
His computer security’s poor.
So to no one’s surprise,
He’s been hacked. You’ll surmise:
Someone readily found the back door.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Computer Humor, Computer Limerick, Health & Medical Humor, Health Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Money & Finance Humor, Money Limerick, Nose Humor, Nose Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Security Humor, Security Limerick, Writing Prompts
Mommy’s not very skilled when she sews.
She always makes imperfect clothes.
My pants have one leg.
She patched up my doll Peg.
Who’s now missing one hole in her nose.
Rhinoplasty, as everyone knows,
Involves tweaking the schnozz so it blows
Without honking or braying –
You know what I’m saying –
And will look Romanesque in repose.
“My name’s Donald, and I must disclose
The secret about me and Rose.
We had an affair,
Till I was aware
That Rosie possessed a fake nose.”
The body – a palace of woes.
Some think that the pit of the toes
Is the messiest spot
But I think it’s snot
And must, in all truth, pick the nose.
We seniors are proud of maturity.
And never slide into obscurity.
We buy lots of Depends.
It just never ends.
And there goes our Social Security.
The Pelican’s a cut above those
Other birds that just fly, perch and doze.
This bird, (so I’ve read),
Often stands on its head
In the water, and looks down its nose.
I came home and I suddenly froze.
On the lawn, in the front, were my clothes.
And sly like a fox,
She changed all the locks.
I have a slight inkling she knows.
Sniffing out a limerick (it’s still early on)
As for “futures” — their highs and their lows —
Charlie Swab is the place where one goes.
For much bigger dramas,
I read Nostrildamus;
His predictions are right on the nose.
DeBergerac tried to propose
To the lovely Roxane, though he chose
To sign Christian’s name.
Yet he won just the same,
‘Cause his letters were right on the nose.
The virgin protected her purity
By a garment that offered her surety.
When a cad groped he felt
An iron chastity belt
That offered her homeland security.
Haven’t participated in far too long. Thanks for the prompt!
My limerick appears here (at Nickers and Ink Poetry and Humor):
Steamed or Redeemed – A Boiling Roil on Daily Toil
Revision to eliminate duplicate word
The virgin protected her purity
By a garment that offered her surety.
When a cad groped he felt
An iron chastity belt
Protecting her homeland security.
Second revision, since I really want to eliminate duplication
The virgin protected her purity
By a garment that offered her surety.
When a cad groped he felt
An iron chastity belt
That guarded her homeland security.
So tell me, why cut off your nose?
To spite your own face, I suppose?
She replied: “Au contraire.
That’s my private affair.
It would never stop smelling a rose.”
Jimmy D gave a name to his nose.
“It comes with me wherever I goes.
An’ my girl – name’s Viola,
She loves the Schnozzola,
Except when it’s ailing and flows.”
“Rhinoplasty is tweaking the nose
So it won’t dominate when you pose
For publicity shots.
We’ll put cream on those spots,
And we’ll have to make do without clothes.”
“I have reinforced doors in the walls,
And steel shutters on windows. The halls
Have been mined, just in case
So I’m safe in my space,
But, I’m stymied if anyone calls.”
They’ve counted the yeas and the noes,
Yet Republicans still will cause woes.
They’re in opposition
To every position.
For reasons their God only knows.
Pinocchio’s (honestly) grows
And Rudolph’s consistently glows.
While Jimmy Durante
In width upped the ante.
Cyrano de Bergerac knows.
An elephant’s trunk, I suppose,
May be viewed as a straw or a hose;
Seen as snorkel or spout,
Or an arm reaching out;
And when bent out of shape, as a nose.
When Duane gets a bad runny nose
Blobs of snot tend to drop to his toes.
But there’s no need to mock
Him nor even to gawk.
Make no comment; just lend him a hose.
Warden Ward, in a quest to secure
His own safety, at times, will procure
A few pros for the cons
(He’ll include a few blondes.)
He’s rewarded with calm for this lure.
Don’t you know all our flaws and impurities
Are powerless toys and obscurities?
So let’s find the humor
(fact, fiction, or rumor)
In your treasure trove of insecurities!
Not one of us liked Auntie Rose.
We took pictures, but Rose wouldn’t pose.
One day I said, “SMILE!”
She was stumped for a while,
Till she found it right under her nose.
It grows, then even’tuly goes.
With some couples, it comes to a close.
Joe still wondered why
It took Auntie Vi
Over ten years to powder her nose.
(knows and security) “No Nonsense Mad”
Mad Kane is the word-smith who knows
That lim’riks are hard to compose.
For instance, “security”
Has a shade of obscurity.
Her M.O. keeps us up on our toes.
Security measures for seniors
Senior Hill has some great new additions:
Sneaky cam’ras in lots of positions.
The doorway is wide
Enough to provide
Wheelchairs and men with munitions.
In Joe’s Garden.(2 verses)
Joe’s new planting, was hard to explain
As his Alzheimer’s dug in again:
“What’s prickly …. sweet ‘nose’….”
Neighbour Phil: “You mean Rose?”
Joe said “Yes! – (My recall’s down the drain)….
Thanks Bill, – mem’ry’s wilting of late;
You’re a champ to an insecure mate,
And you’ve just ‘saved my life’ ”
He then called to his wife:
“HEY ROSE WHAT’S OUR NEW PLANT BY THE GATE?”
“It’s democracy’s way, ‘ayes’ and ‘noes’:
Those supporting and those who oppose.
Of course, once the vote’s done,
We are meant to be one,
Not divided, or still in the throes.”
When my girlfriend gets runny noses
she shoots up with all nasal hoses.
Once her body harbors
more saline than water,
she says, “Dads enub I subboses!”
At an elephant’s front end there grows
A protuberance more than a nose,
Like a chubby grey snake
That is there by mistake,
Or a length of industrial hose.
I felt weak and defenseless before
I joined Women United Shall Soar!
Now I’m safe; I belong
To a militant throng,
And can be a real WUSS to the corps.
Was it protective anger unfurled?
A host of emotions that swirled.
It was why he throws.
What everyone knows.
Is the slap that is heard ’round the world.
Here is a fact no one knows.
If half-empty, half-full you propose.
I’m a half-empty glass, but
An optimist, what?
Less spill to clean up I suppose.
I’ve a theory I wish to propose,
As did Stein with “a rose is a rose”:
A snout and a sniffer
And whiffer may differ,
But a nose is a nose is a nose.
The winemaker’s summary goes:
“This Cabernet has a great nose.”
If that is the case,
Then it must have a face;
But Lord only knows how it blows.
It’s been quite a while since I joined in. I have quite a few I haven’t previously shared that fit the bill, so here goes:
The Rose on Her Clothes (A Courtly Jesture) ~
There once was a dark, stormy knight
whose fair queen was his main appetite.
She’d wear a red rose
then she’d wrinkle her nose
to confirm that the timing was right.
Composure Closure (Clown Noir) ~
The clown hitman would wear his red nose,
though the boss told him that could expose
their exploits to the law,
which was such a faux pas
he was mulched and would soon decompose.
A Smell by Any Other Name ~
Good limericks, just like wild flowers,
bring pleasure for hours and hours,
so stop; smell the roses!
Watch out—the best noses
disdain rhyme and rhythm that sours.
Blow It Out Your Nose! ~
The plight of Viscount de Valvert’s
great misfortune (if anyone cares):
he poked his short nose
into poetry’s rose,
whence good Cyrano emptied his airs.
Don’t Lie Where You Lie ~
Pinocchio once told a lie
to his sweetheart—he couldn’t deny—
for whence grows his nose
his poor woodpecker shows
where the wood came from.
Poor little guy.
Wane On, Dude! ~
Hair grows in strange places and shows,
often poking its head out my nose,
but here are the facts:
I won’t wane not to wax
from my pate to my nethers to toes!
Romeo’s Unspoken Soliloquy ~
“By whatever name, my sweet rose
Your fragrance entices love’s nose.
But Lo, our endeavor
To share love forever,
Will’s will will abruptly dispose.”
What Francis Macomber Saw (or Bend the Words, Not the Rhyme) ~
Two rhinos can’t kiss nose-to-nose,
which apparently is due to those
large protrusions of horn
which their helmets adorn,
used to fight when their might comes to blows.
As the bearer of largest probiscuous,
the head rhino can be quite promiscuous,
and when mounting a lass
when the time comes to pass,
the affair becomes rather conspiscuous.
A Phrase by Many Other Words ~
Sesquipedalian prose
is a practice which everyone knows
is pretentious profusion
of lexicallusion
in trying to rename a rose.
My limerick muse comes and goes.
How to keep her around, no one knows.
When she goes on the lam
I can’t rhyme worth a damn.
I should think about sticking to prose.
In the end he prevailed, his foes
far behind him. To power he rose
from the bottom, with pluck,
some assistance from luck,
but, mostly, a very brown nose.
“Juicy Gossip”
“I heard Johnny is gonna propose
To snotty, conceited Ann Rose!
If he only knew,
(And I know it is true)
That’s not her original nose! “
We All Need To Feel Secure
Though our love for each other was true,
The honeymoon made me feel blue.
I said, “Dear Jerome,
I’m flying back home
Then returning with Winnie The Poo.
Security
Charlie died, and we all felt despaired.
2 weeks later, “despaired” changed to “scared”
Right there on his marker,
It said, “Charlie Parker
Said passwords should always be shared.”
To deter those wih motives impure,
And to keep all your data secure,
When picking a class word
To set as your password,
Then ‘password’ is perfect, I’m sure!
You were taught as a child, I suppose,
You should never stick things up your nose?
Now a surgical swab
Is precisely the job
For those regular Lateral Flows.
When Parliament votes there are Noes,
Which oppose Ayes, as everyone knows.
It’s also quite plain
That you don’t count Abstain –
So we’re led by the eyes and the nose.
A lady I know is quite blunt
On how she avoids an affront.
She saves her purity
Using security –
A bear-trap’s been placed in her … front.
The initial letter of each line is important:
Perhaps our Vlad really knows
Understands, but just never shows
That his name is Putout
It’s a name that we shout
Now we hope it’s not long till he goes!
SECURITY
The world’s feeling far from sublime
Each country is riddled with crime.
So strong is our hate
But we all have to wait
For The President’s Biden his time!
The world is so far from secure
And we don’t have to look for a cure.
Get hold of an axe.
Make political hacks
And put all the bits in manure.
Before Mr. Potato Head goes
To the sack, he removes all his clothes.
He turns on the news,
Then pops off his shoes,
And sits around holding his nose.
Its stupid to say your prose
If you’re blowing your nose
Because if you sneeze
You’ll be down on your knees
While the others stone the crows
There was this huge hunk of a Cherokee
Who got involved in some VIP security
Now being a diligent Red Indian
His procedures were somewhat labyrinthian
Contempt being the root cause of familiarity
To fly, walk, or swim? Fate has chose!
That most creatures can do one of those.
My point is, you see,
A duck does all three!
No wonder it looks down it’s nose.
The farmer felt safe and secure
While shoveling piles of manure;
“I don’t mind the stink,”
He said with a wink,
“Whatever you’ve got, it’ll cure.”
The maiden was sure that her purity
Guaranteed everlasting security;
Her dream was cut short,
When knights of the court
Escorted her into maturity.
The Weary Security Guard
Tonight we’ll steal Jimmy Choo shoes.
Hey, Darlin’, we’ve nothin’ to lose.
But it must be at ten,
Cuz that always is when
The night watchman is takin’ a snooze.
Though a toddler, I still have my woes.
Cuz I know how the court of law goes.
I love Papa a lot,
But it’s right that he got
Arrested for stealing my nose.
One evening a thief tried his best
To break through the lock on my chest.
I yelled, “you’ll get shot!”
And aimed the red dot
But then let my cats do the rest.
Was it protective anger unfurled?
A host of emotions that swirled.
It was why he throws,
What everyone knows.
Is the slap that is heard ’round the world.
The model removed all her clothes
And assumed a classical pose;
But the class departed
The minute she farted,
And started picking her nose
I don’t feel secure in my OWN home!!
More culprits? They creep on the floor!
It’s becoming a virtual war!
It was just “hubby” Stan.
But my brilliant new plan:
Stan will sleep on the floor by the door.
replace previous submission with this one
punctuation error
The model removed all her clothes
And assumed a classical pose;
The class departed
The minute she farted,
And started picking her nose.
A rose is a rose is a rose–
After Gertrude Stein, everyone knows;
Is it really profound,
Or merely a sound?
It could be the twain, I suppose.
The author believed he was smart
When he wrote his “The Art of the Fart”.
He secured publication
With this slight alteration–
Dubbed it “Deal”, which still stank off the chart.
After viewing the faces of those
God created, authorities chose,
Not the Cyclops, but Man,
To reflect the Grand Plan.
And the eyes did outnumber the nose.
There’s a shape on the wall in a pose.
And I see that it’s wearing my clothes.
But I’m in the nude.
I discern this strange dude.
I have secrets this strange “Shadow Knows.”
OOPS! I used “strange” twice. My Fix:
“Who Knows What Evil Lurks In The Hearts Of Men?”
There’s a shape on the wall in a pose.
And oh no! It is wearing my clothes.
But I’m in the nude.
I discern this odd dude.
I have secrets this strange “Shadow Knows”
For the Trekkies:
There’s an eager young spacefaring dude
Who with courage and strength is imbued.
His resolve to endure
Keeps his starship secure.
But he wears a red shirt, so he’s screwed.
A surgeon (cosmetic) once spoke
On aesthetics to ev’ryday folk.
He began to disclose
How he’d picked his own nose,
But they laughed as if it were a joke.
My “business” is flourishing, Rose!
Folks are buying those beautiful clothes!
But today, I sniffed out
Someone’s real ugly snout.
I must throw out that meddlesome nose!
OR
My “business” is flourishing, Rose!
Folks are buying the beautiful clothes.
But today, I sniffed out
Someone’s big ugly snout.
I must throw out that real nosy nose.
Security: “Safety Airlines Slogan”
Fly “Safety”, you won’t feel dismay.
We have bomb dogs that always obey.
So feel free to roam.
In due course, you’ll get home
On the days that they don’t run away.
For years he sought love, goodness knows,
And got tired of just getting noes.
So he found a new way,
Is now glad to be gay
And be wanted right down to his toes.
“A deterrent for sure – at first sight.
But say, ‘Boo!’ and he quickly takes fright.
Oh, he’ll snarl, and he’ll growl
Whenever thieves prowl,
But if pressed elects flight over bite.”
“Wine this good,” cried Garcon, “is a crime!”
Then he spoke of its legs as sublime.
“Juicy skins enhance nose,”
he went on. My gorge rose.
I won’t order “full-bodied” next time.
Correcting the rhyme scheme of my previous posting. (4/6 at 7:55 pm)
His yearning for love ever grows
And he’s tired of just getting “noes”.
So he found a new way,
Is now glad to be gay
And be wanted right down to his toes
Replaces limerick submitted on 4/3 2:53 pm. (Guilty of rhyming regulations.)
Republicans always oppose
Any program the Democrats chose.
They’ll get into a fray
And then simply say “nay”
For reasons their God only knows.
A security guard wants to be.
All that he can, so he
Applied at a Samsung store.
He then could be (one more).
Guardians now of the galaxy.
He kissed her upon the nose
She was thrilledi down to her toesi
After kissing her lips
And caressing her hips
She ripped off all her clothes
I accidentally put an I on toes
The insecure guy in Security,
She honey-trapped, feigning ‘demurity’:
After kiss, feel and stroke,
She rolled him a Toke
With more than ‘the usual’ impurity.
His proboscis is large, I suppose,
So I giggled to hear him disclose
That his name is Bill Beak.
I’ve been laughing all week.
That’s a little bit too on-the-nose.
“Security”
I ripped off my last lover’s pension,
then winced at the shimmering tension.
He proceeded to gape me,
then orally rape me,
while I swallowed my dull apprehension.
I’ve just bought a high-tech new flat
With secure touch-screen entry, – just pat.
A third ‘Fail’ with my ‘Key’?
Robo-voice-call to me:
“Your new key-code is under the mat”
He’s one of those average joes,
Content with just what he knows;
For a tasty spread
On sourdough bread–
“I prefer the jam from my toes.”
With some reservation, dear Rose
Would stuff chips in her pantyhose,
“Each little Pringle,”
She said, “Gives a tingle,
But salt water drips out my nose.”
The testes of Oliver Rose
Are the size of a large buffalo’s
His ex-girlfriend hates him
Because his damn baitsim
Busted her teeth and her nose.
“Your mask,” said McConnell, “It goes
Over your mouth and your nose,
Then pull the thing in
Down under your chin,
Unless you don’t have one of those.”
The shadow eclipsed my new nose.
I stopped for a moment and froze.
That Cyrano cast,
Of proboscis of past.
Our sun has its way to expose.
For bargains she does have a nose.
She finds things wherever she goes.
She once bought a whale
When it was on sale.
In it’s shower she shouts: “That she blows!”.
Correction in line 5
For bargains she does have a nose.
She finds things wherever she goes.
She once bought a whale
When it was on sale.
In it’s shower she shouts: “Thar she blows!”.
A man with a very broad nose
Starred in witty and comical shows.
When he met a producer,
With the nickname “Seduc’er
They bought popcorn and watched “Charlie Rose”
That was wrong! Try Again:
A man with a real ugly nose
Was bad-mouthed by Charlie Peete Rose.
Then they both met “The Cos”
And the world took a pause
When the three of them took of their clothes.
“What’s his name?” “Call ’im Rudy – the nose.”
“After Rudolph the reindeer, I ’spose?”
“Come the dark, stormy nights,
When we ain’t got no lights,
We put ’im out in front an’ ’e glows.”
Disclaimer: The name ‘Rudy’ should not be taken to refer to a limericist of the same name, nor to any of his appendages or protruberances. Any similarity to real life is purely coincidental – no, really!
My cat’s small, but quite brave — and it shows
In the mincemeat she makes of her foes.
Just this morning, dear Pet
Had to go to the vet —
Who’s now bleeding from cheek, hand and nose.
Are there decent Repubs? I suppose
There may be a small number of those:
Mitt, Lisa and Sue
Knew the right thing to do,
And did not give Katenji their “noes.”
I have a large schnoz, heaven knows
A fact I’m not loath to disclose
I was watching for whales
On a ship full of males
When I sneezed they cried out “thar she blows”
“Yes, your conk is patrician. It shows
You have breeding: it’s more than a nose.
From your soles to your head,
You’re a true thoroughbred.
And another sure sign is six toes.”
Though I type at a reas’nable pace,
I slow-ly-put password in place.
The computer says ‘No’
But I’m RIGHT (I checked “Show”)
And apparently, – that’s not the Case!
Santa’s nose is as red as a rose,
And when he’s excited, it glows;
It lights up so bright
On each Christmas night,
When he’s in for some holiday blows.
Another typo (Line 5, 4/8 9:31 pm) I need some new glasses.
For bargains she does have a nose.
She finds things wherever she goes.
She once bought a whale
When it was on sale.
In its shower she shouts: “Thar she blows!”.
I’m Type-Writing again; on The Ball,
Shift-ing characters both large and small.
Laptop’s Down (the ravine!)
Fifteen hours I’ve been
Typing passwords, – I’ve just tried them All.
The Pelican’s a cut above those
Other birds that just fly, perch and doze.
This bird, (so I’ve read),
Often stands on its head
In the water, and looks down its nose.
“Awful case of Pinocchio Nose.”
“Politician or salesman, I ’spose?”
“They suppress their remorse,
Which then festers, of course,
And builds up in the snout so it grows.”
The locks that Lynn keeps all about
Would keep her secure, there’s no doubt.
“They don’t,” giggles Lynn,
“Stop men getting in;
I use them so men can’t get out!”
(On inventing words etc, for effect)
Some’ll nitpick cuz They think they should,
Deeming Some words ‘no good’ (yes they would).
They love picking our Noes
Like it’s Our fault they’ve woes
To Pedantics: Semantics! – S’all good.
Everybody’s Talkin’
The weather will suit all my clothes
In that place where the stream always flows.
I’m sick of the city.
It’s harsh and it’s gritty.
But where is this place? Nobody knows.
I’m so lazy; I think that it shows.
I don’t even put on my clothes!
Hope I don’t go amiss
When it’s time for the “bliss”
I pray that I won’t. Heaven knows.
OOPS!
I’m so lazy; I think that it shows.
I don’t even put on my clothes.
Hope I won’t go amiss
When it’s time for the “bliss”
I’ll try very hard, heaven knows.
Another Mistake! (sorry)
“The Echoes of My Mind”
The weather will suit all my clothes
In a place where the stream always flows.
I’m sick of the city.
It’s harsh and it’s gritty.
But where Is this place? No one knows.
World peace is a difficult thing
When the mutant dictator is ‘king’.
Put some sweet novichok
Into Putin’s last Hock
And the party will go with a swing …
The Confusion About The Kunik
The nose is the part they expose
When they’re bundled up down to their toes.
For close friends or lovers.
When love always hovers:
The kunik’s a kiss nose to nose.
OR
The nose is the part they expose
When they’re bundled up down to their toes.
For close friends or lovers,
Gentle warmth it uncovers.
The “kunik’s” a kiss nose to nose.
132 Years Without A Bath (at least, put down your arm!)
As the water of New York Bay flows,
The Statue of Liberty glows.
You too would turn green
By not being clean.
When you visit, you must hold your nose.
(and that’s why the New Jersey Turnpike stinks)
Hey Linda,
Your schnoz I do truly bewail,
But your tale of some whales I do hail.
But as everyone knows
Tall tales can bring woes.
Since MY whale is bigger than your whale.
(O.K. The meter rule is violated slightly in line 5, but those whales are very unruly.)
They asked a child if he knows.
Since an octopus hasn’t a nose.
“How many protrusions
Has two, your conclusions?
Without counting on fingers and toes”.
Though a virgin, I took off my clothes.
Closed my eyes in a tranquil repose.
Then Charlie went wild.
And now I’m “with child.”
He told me that it was his nose.
Hey Tony,
Poor Rudolph the Reindeer protests:
“My nose is no subject for jests.
Because it is red,
It secures in good stead
My going on Christmassy quests.”
When an elephant’s parched it can guzzle,
On liquid sucked up in its muzzle.
In addition, its nose,
Can be used as a hose,
And when feeling affection, to nuzzle.
It’s the Donald! Just look at that nose!
It is huge, and it grows, and it grows
With each lie that he tells
As it stretches and swells
Till it’s longer than Pinnochio’s.
They told me I had to stay pure,
Toward men to act shy and demure…
Now I’m 40, I fear
I won’t marry this year
(Or at all), and I’m quite insecure.
My mother was terribly strict,
Locked me in when I dared contradict –
Till a crook down the block
Gave poor Mom such a shock,
When he proved that my “lock” could be picked.
Said the Snowman “As long as it snows,
I’ll be safe, from my head to my toes.”
But the first sunny day,
He just melted away.
All that’s left is a carrot – his nose.
“Sorry, sweetie,” she said with a giggle
And the tiniest, sexiest wiggle;
“I’m no prude, heaven knows,
But I just won’t expose
The parts of my body that jiggle.”
AN ODD GIRL WHO’S NAMED GINNY ROSE
SHOVED A RING INTO HER NOSE —
NOT A SMALL SILVER RING,
BUT THAT DOOR CAMERA THING —
TO MONITOR WHERE HER SNOT GOES.
If Larry David wrote a certain 1960s situation comedy
Samantha would wiggle her nose
Whenever she needed new clothes.
But most times that she twitched
On the sitcom Bewitched
New troubles for Darrin arose.
She was taught by her mother, Endora,
Who learned from her mother before her
How to raise Holy Hell
By casting a spell
With the Yiddish phrase, “Oy! Keinehora!”
I’ve seen models who show off their clothes,
Or their teeth, or their chests, or their toes.
But I swear –to this day —
Save for sculptors of clay,
I’ve seen nobody model a nose.
My Journey
I felt so secure when inside.
I would smile, I would laugh with such pride.
Twas’ the essence of “cushy”
Then someone got pushy.
And slapped me so hard that I cried.
He believes the key to security
Is living a life in obscurity;
“Don’t care about fame,
‘Who needs a big name?”
It gives him a feeling of purity.
A harlot removed all her clothes
And remarked, “Fella, here’s how it goes:
Let my breasts, butt, and thighs
Be a feast for your eyes
But one touch and you’ll pay through the nose.”
Secure? Are you kidding? “Stay Calm?”
I ran out and got killed by the bomb.
My one great regret,
Which I’ll never forget:
I missed the awaited Spring Prom.
He invested his savings in stock,
And now he is deeply in hock.
Our language is funny
When speaking of money.
Securities? What a huge crock!
Betcha didn’t know how a sneeze flows!
Or how quickly the sudden burst goes!
Hundred miles per each hour.
That’s a lot of air power!
Now you know a cool fact ’bout a nose.
(true)
The doctor said “I diagnose
That we’ll have to remove seven toes.
We will give you sedation
And then – amputation.”
Said the millipede: “Lots more of those!”
His dealer proclaimed, with all surety,
“This pill contains no impurity;”
Now the credulous nerd,
Who believed every word,
Floats dead in the Sea of Absurdity.
“There is more than one use for a nose.
It can turn up with scorn, or expose
One’s contempt with a sniff:
Detect scandal – first wiff –
And tell tales. (You’re a toper. It shows.)”
“Poker players keep watch on their noses.
If they twitches, they know this exposes
The strength of their hands.
When they’re betting in grands
They’re advised to maintain neutral poses.”
“You’ve a very impertinent nose!
Take it out of my business! “It goes
Where it will, sniffing out
Those who think they can flout.
It’s its mission in life to expose.”
On my workbench a wood carving grows.
What it looks like, no one knows.
One part of a whole
(Viking ship is my goal).
What I hear all around me are noes.
I’m aware of what Nietzsche once said.
He clearly declared: “God is dead”.
That might be great prose,
But everyone knows
That God is just napping instead.
Qr maybe:
On my workbench a wood model grows.
What it looks like I guess, no one knows.
One part of a whole
(Viking ship is my goal).
What I hear all around me are noes.
A man who owned gold and would hide it
(always fearful that others had spied it),
Dug a hole six feet deep,
Where his treasure would keep.
In the end he was buried beside it.
“Someone told me, ‘My dog’s got no nose.’
‘It’s an old joke,’ I told him. He froze.
I ask, ‘How does it smell?’
You say, ‘Awful!’ ‘Oh, well,
If you’ve heard it, that’s it, I suppose.’”
“The Smog Doesn’t Bother Me”
My friend Ann moved out west, by the bay.
Although smoggy, she wanted to stay.
To her friends, she’d disclose,
“Cuz I have a big nose,
I inhale only once ev’ry day.”
Many canines are bred for dog shows.
Then groomed, and soon trained for each pose.
They’ve so much to prove.
They’re judged buy each move.
From their toes right up to their nose.
Folks like Trump are America’s foes.
These damned know-nothings cause us great woes,
With their vicious opinions
And vacuous minions.
I’d rather be led by the “knows.”
**************
From Mad:
Welcome back, Konrad!
It’s safe and secure, (such a thrill)
To live here at “Old People’s Hill”.
For just pennies more
The boss knocks on your door
To remind you, “It’s time for your pill.”
I don’t like how you’re looking at me
you seem to want something for free
The weight of your gaze
‘neath the eyebrow you raise
makes me question my security
I once thought that my life just dragged on,
‘Til I changed my mind-set, – then I shone.
I’ve since asked where Time goes
But nobody knows,
So I looked back, and there it was: -Gone!
Both me and my sweet darlin’ Rose
Had nose jobs, (the noses we chose.)
Then Rose had Schnoz Tot.
I guess we forgot
“The Gospel Of Bona Fide Nose.”
In the interest of health and security,
Essen strives for breathe-able purity;
But until the great day
When coal goes away,
Pollution-free air is a Ruhr-ity.
A tale that’s quite fishy and bold,
Of a salmon, who made off with gold.
A safe, he broke into.
It is what he knew.
He was a lox myth, I am told.
My boyfriend likes tight sexy clothes.
Like Lana’s and Jayne’s or Monroe’s.
But I have to admit
Tight sweaters don’t fit.
Cuz they cannot get past my big nose.
The opera has friends. It has foes.
Each season brings highs. It brings lows.
I will not be vague —
Avoid like the plague
Shostakovich’s smelly “The Nose”.
There’s a felon that we should immure
To keep every golf club secure.
He bogeys each hole
With a putter he stole
When leaving the White House, I’m sure.
The Ultimate Security
When you die, it will cure all your ills.
And you won’t have to take any pills.
Before you depart,
Be wily and smart.
Tell your in-laws to pay all your bills.
Attention all Limerick-Off Stragglers: The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
Good grief, you are not all that clever.
This project’s a Crucial Endeavor!
It says here 2 “noes”
And 3 “I suppose”
And 1 very thoughtless “whatever.”
Though observing the rhyme rules he knows,
His rhythm was off, I suppose.
Mad Kane’s derogation
On this sad occasion:
“Your lim’rick is actually prose.”
Mad: Please delete my Limerick at April 14- 2.40am (not relevant to comp theme). Thanks.
(Double Duty)
Putting lips near my ear with such surety,
She mind-read my thoughts of impurity.
“Forget all your prose,
I got nothin’ but Noes
So Zip it, or I’ll call Security.”
Here is my contribution to your Limerick Off :
Glen:
Glen got a blow at night on his nose,
He could name no one as he had no foes;
The court was surprised,
All the case was reprised;
The judgement was given : beat Glen with blows.
Secure password we typed in and sent,
Now our hard drive’ acts up as though bent.
DVD, for no reason
Just played its last season,
The Winter of our Disc Content.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 493. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Waste.