Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: WEAR or WHERE or WARE or BEWARE or AWARE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: February 19, 2022)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using WEAR or WHERE or WARE or BEWARE or AWARE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to SHORTAGES, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best SHORTAGE-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on February 20, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, February 19, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my WEAR or WHERE or WARE or BEWARE or AWARE-rhyme limerick, which happens to be an ACROSTIC Limerick:
Sometimes gals have a “je ne sais quoi.”
Their “look” is the flip-side of blah.
You’ll be tempted to stare.
Leering’s bad, though. Beware!
Eschew cheering. “Hurrah?” How bourgeois!
And here’s my SHORTAGE-themed limerick:
I went shopping for something to eat.
With chicken and fish they’re replete.
They have plenty of peas,
And all manner of cheese,
But they really should beef up their meat.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Appearance Humor, Behavior Humor, Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Shortages Humor, Shortages Limerick, Staring Humor, Writing Prompts
Senior Hill: “Women Live Longer” (shortage)
It’s okay living here, I suppose,
With its cons, although very few pros.
There is only one man,
We gals run to see Stan,
With the oxygen tubes in his nose.
Sorry
I guess it would be funnier with a change of one word, L5
“up” instead of “in”
It’s okay living here, I suppose,
With its cons, although very few pros.
There is only one man,
We gals rush to see Stan,
With the oxygen tubes up his nose.
Oh where are those wonderful elves
To help us when we can’t help ourselves?
Wish they’d go to the store
And wait ‘til there’s more
Toilet paper, on now empty shelves
The Birds!
Beware of the colours you wear
Some birds attack hues that are fair.
Watch those devious Larks
They will ambush your ‘darks’.
As for Magpies, well They just don’t care!
Beware of the colours you wear
Flying insects could trigger despair
Dung beetles in flight
Go for six shades of shite
And you wouldn’t want those in your hair!
He bragged, “You will note when I’m bare,
My member’s enormous and rare.”
I searched high and low,
With continual woe.
And finally had to ask, “Where?”
At the market there’s nothing of use!
They’re fresh out of pasta and juice.
I really was keen
to make some tagine
but to serve it they’ve only one cous!
On the subway, it’s Watch Out, Beware!
At the airport, it’s Welcome, Take Care!
On the street, speeding bikes,
Falling metal, small tykes;
Am I safe, sitting home in my chair?
I look up from my bed and can’t bear
One more day without something to wear;
Granny nighties and socks,
and no pretty new frocks,
Are driving me quite to despair!
The Olymricks of Feb ’22
Features rhyming events by the slew
There’s no bored’ main events,
Competition”s intense
Go-for-gold in the word pairs race too!
White House Barber School: 2016 Instructions
Comb to side, all the wafer-thin hair.
Now replace from the back for “mane flair”
Then add orange dye.
When dry, pile real high.
Study hard; that’s the coif Tweet will wear.
A distinguished, pomp dinner affair
Spares no detail, is posh, debonnaire…
Heck with what we’ll be eating
Centerpiece fresh, plus seating
Checks the who, what, when, how, and ware
“I’m trying to plan our vacation;
help me choose an elite destination.
We must go someplace where
they have savoir faire.
To do so is our obligation!”
We were stoked for the thrill we were seeking
But I sensed her anxiety peaking
“We can’t go, what’ll I wear?”
I said, “Why should you care?
What the heck, when we’re both going STREAKING?!?”
(This one is from many years ago, when the same rhyme-word was set)
Ftatateeta said “Highness, beware –
How the Roman doth ogle and stare!
Caesar’s bald as a coot –”
Cleopatra said, “Shoot!
Caesar’s balled as a stallion down there!”
With the shortage of loo-rolls complete,
Many folks can no longer excrete.
But, thankfully, I
Have a massive supply –
With a picture of Trump on each sheet.
My morning suit’s ok to wear
At an afternoon wedding (seems fair).
And my dinner suit’s fine
When with posh friends I dine,
But my Birthday suit? Always that stare!
Try our new paper casual wear!
It’s quite cheap and has no need for care.
When your clothing you doff,
You can just rip it off.
The name of the line: Wear and Tear.
The child was not likely aware
That her playing could banish all care,
But her chords and pure trills
Sent all manner of thrills
To the dolls near the piano right there!
Our friendship’s beginning to wear;
What more do we have we can share?
The men in our lives
Now have other wives,
So what’s left we can bare – or declare?
Said a doctor, “If patients are bare,
Baggy pants are the best thing to wear.
A member that’s turgid
Is in folds of serge hid;
Which avoids that embarrassing glare.”
Flo goes on about “nothing to wear,”
And on having no cash and less hair.
Scarcely taking a breath,
She can beat dearth to death.
‘Least, for her, there’s no shortage of air.
Mary’s mindless, with nary a care.
So bewildered, there’s none to compare.
Her clothes: always wet.
Doesn’t make her upset.
She says, “They are all wash and wear”
Ev’ry day I dress up in old rags.
My life story is so full of snags.
Though I’ve nice clothes to wear,
I’m fraught with despair.
I don’t know how to pull off those tags.
Being Creative
When the shortage was at its full peak,
I created an awesome technique.
With a real short supply,
Of toilet roll, I
Stamped on each square the day of the week.
Shortage Of Men
Thought Chicago was not real abound
With men, till I finally found
Right next to the bar,
(Gotta know where they are)
A whole bunch of them flat on the ground.
Using An Actual Sentence (L3)
Mary’s mindless, with nary a care.
So bewildered, there’s none to compare.
Though her clothes are all wet,
Mary’s never upset.
Cuz she says, “They are all wash and wear.”
The government said to the Mint
“We’re broke; need more cash: Go to Print.”
The Mint said “Fair enough, –
but we can’t print your stuff:
There’s a shortage of ink, and we’re Skint.”
A flighty young gal named Adair
had no sense of fashion or flair,
To a play on Broadway
she wore lingerie.
She never knew what to wear where.
From a couple years ago…
The t p shelves – empty again!
I asked the store manager when
They’ll get re-supply.
She said “end of July;
You’ll just have to hold it ’til then.”
The phrase “I have nothing to wear”
Is solved with a chance to go bare.
And that was the case
With a lady named Grace
Exposing her shortage with flair.
The list is too easy to do:
Pros and cons re the mind of guess who.
There’s verbal excretion
And mental depletion
(No pros) just to name but a few.
You’re lying awake in your bed,
And that libido shortage you dread.
You’re concerned that your organ
Is less than a gorgon.
Try writing a lim’rick instead.
Shortage: Where Are The Perfect Men?
I’ve yet to find one man for me.
Because it’s imperative he
Has a house and a job,
And must not be a slob.
For those assets, I’d have to find 3.
I love mys’tries, a book’s always there
On the shelf near my real comfy chair.
By design, they’re misleading.
I just can’t stop reading
Till I know the how, why, when and where.
“Have a knife day”, said he with deep care.
He looked very sharp, had such flair.
Then he purred, “See you spoon”
And that just made me swoon.
(Never met such divine silverware)
A Chihuahua, 2 pounds, not much hair,
Met a savage and fierce Grizzly Bear.
He said, “Looks may deceive,
But you better believe
In this case, I better beware.
When I bought a car from Bill Ware,
My son said, “Oh please dad, take care.
I don’t like the guy
He looks very sly
And the sign on his door says B. Ware.”
The KKK guy went on a tear
when seeing what was left to wear.
His white robe had the plight
of mixing with brights,
and now it’s rainbow parade fare.
When the mountain folk first grew aware,
That their “Bigfoot” had grown too much hair,
A young barber, quite brave,
Offered Yeti a shave,
But was certain he heard him say, “Ne’er!”
(Double)
Just short of a syllable?
Just discovered that “Just”’s a good sort
of word, if your line’s just too short.
You can add “Just” just there
or just here (just beware), –
If “Just”’s Not justified, “just” abort.
****
From Mad Kane:
You’re right. “Just” (along with quite and sure) might well be the three most over-used limerick fillers.
Mysophobics remain on alert
for all filth, both alive and inert,
Even scouring with care,
Their most fine earthenware,
In an effort to scrub out the dirt.
“I’m all ears”, said the young, boisterous hare
He’d ignored farmers sign of “BEWARE!”
In the snare, his friends knew
He was in quite a stew
Or WOULD BE, for his act on a dare
Twas a shortage of shorts, so beware!
Basketball, long ago, just compare…
See Kareem, Larry Bird
Vs today, so absurd
They were more like today’s underware!
Correction for previous (10:03 a.m.) verse.
When the mountain folk first grew aware,
That their “Bigfoot” had grown too much hair,
A young barber, quite brave,
Offered Yeti a shave,
But backed off when he heard him yell, “Ne’er!”
The UK’s not got much heating gas;
Like all shortages, though, it will pass.
When folk die of cold
THEIR gas can be sold –
A solution admittedly crass.
We’re off to the races once more,
And Lisi is first out the door.
But is she aware
That Wildman’s still there,
And he’s hungry to even the score?
My wife, how she left me defeated
She got me on a prank (so conceited…)
So to get the last laugh
Thought it smart (but a gaffe…)
Kind of back-fired to leave her short-sheeted…
(oh sheet, had to enhance this one…)
My wife, how she left me defeated
She got me on a prank (so conceited…)
So to get the last laugh
Thought it smart (but a gaffe…)
Was short-sighted to leave her short-sheeted…
shortage and wear: What Women Really Mean
My outlook is lacking in mirth.
My goodness! I see such a dearth
Of things I can wear.
I’m full of despair.
I want all the clothes on the Earth.
I have no fault of which I’m aware
Says the narcissist, of whom we must beware
She’ll squash you to feed her own ego
Faster than I can say “I told you so.”
You’re no more than dandruff in her hair.
“Senior Hill” shortage of men
The ladies who live here are “chilly”
For warmth, they must all count on Billy.
Though Billy’s just fair,
They are in such despair,
That they overlook Billy’s wee willy.
Since I don’t want to use “just” as padding (see Terry’s limerick above), I just re-wrote my last limerick as follows:
Try our new paper casual wear!
It’s quite cheap and has no need for care.
When your clothing you doff,
You can rip it right off.
The name of the line: Wear and Tear.
****
From Mad Kane:
Terry’s right. “Just” (along with quite and sure) might well be the three most over-used limerick fillers.
For Rudy, “It’s Post Time”
Yes, Rudy, I’m fully aware
That Wildman is once again there.
And although he’s a stallion
From the Lim’rik Battalion,
He can’t beat this very cute mare.
Yes, this bronco’s both wild and rare
And I sense ‘looking back’ in the air…
But like Shoemaker Willie
Won’t get beat by a filly
I’m now ‘horse’ from the shouting, BEWARE!
There’s a shortage of patience right now
From LA, then head East, to Moscow
For a cure more than ample
Use the bovine example
Count to ten, but then DON’T have a cow!
Yvette’s curves left the guys’ mouths agape
And they drooled to consume her on tape
She was beyond compare
(Yet you’re still unaware…)
Oh, the draw was her real ‘nice pear’… shape!
There’s no glut, meat and fish, as we’ve known
But some honeymooners do condone
They’re all sate, doing fine
With a full glass of wine
And their sandwich of ‘lettuce alone’…
And sticking with the Honeymoon theme…
Honeymooners are known to thrill seek
And some never see sun (tongue in cheek…)
Though it matters not where
A conclusion that’s fair
Is that seven days makes a ‘hole week’!
This version’s a ‘hole’ lot better…
Honeymooners are known to thrill seek
And some never see sun (tongue in cheek…)
Though it matters not where
A conclusion that’s fair:
Seven days of it makes a ‘hole week’!
The TRUTH shortage – soon we won’t know it….
And the mass media doesn’t show it
With their world-wide dominions
Peddling truth as opinions
Time to ‘take us to church’, or we’ll blow it…
(Think, or better yet, pray on that for a bit…)
There’s NO SHORTAGE of whines and complaints
Or the phrases we aptly call “aints”
Ain’t my job, ain’t your turn
Ain’t enough, you ain’t learn
Holds his breath, till it stops? Then he feints…
Said a sex-mad young fellow called Benny,
“There’s no shortage of girls – there are many.
They have beautiful thighs
And “come-hither” eyes –
But the fact is – I AIN’T GETTING ANY !”
[“Water water every where, nor any drop to drink …”]
“Tell me all: Who, what, why, when and where”
Said the “journalist” blocking my stair.
“Get lost; shut the gate,
Or you’ll join your pap’ mate
On the pile in that skip over there!”
I was robbed by a chick in a sweater
She’d a gambling need and a debtor
Took my coins, didn’t care
And here’s the part where
I declared it my ‘change for the bettor’
In Barbieland there was a shortage of men
Five lovely ladies to one Ken
All of whom he would bonk
Until he became a Buddhist monk
Turning his life from sin to Zen
We’ll, she owed him ‘back pay’ and was short
So the savvy gal winked, “Let’s covort…”
Voila, problem solved
And with no cash involved
And he gave HER his ‘raise’, the good sport…
Finding excellent child care is rare.
She is out there, but I don’t know where —
Someone cute (and yet staid),
I’d refer to as maid,
Who my husband could call an au pair.
The challenge
At high altitude there is less air
So you go up there if you dare
But if your head spins
Where nobody wins
I warned you that you should beware
At the cabaret
I can’t say that I really care
What Carolyn decides to wear
Cause it won’t be long
Though totally wrong
She’ll soon be out here dancing bare!
PSSST!
I saw that guy over there stare
When they served you that huge eclaire
If you’d care to slice
You might add some spice
(I just thought you should be aware)
A small fact of which I am aware
Did you know bees have, on their eyes, hair?!
Mis-bee-hiving or sly
Kids get mom’s hairy eye
Think it simply won’t work, au contraire!
A shortage of beef is projected.
It seems that the cows are infected.
But why should we care?
Since we’re keenly aware
That the burger joints aren’t affected.
A subtle, sweet improvement…
A small fact of which I am aware
Did you know bees have, on their eyes, hair?!?
Mis-bee-hiving or sly
Kids get mom’s hairy eye
Gets the honey-dos done with that glare!
To avoid winter cold and its strife,
I moved south to a warm, sunny life.
But I still must beware
Of the chill in the air
From the cold, icy stare of my wife.
The Revenge of the overused Fillers
A shortage of brooms, so I trust,
Is the cause of your house full of dust.
I am sure that I’m right.
Don’t agree and say: “Quite”!
My complaint is entirely just.
No proctologist shortage is found.
The profession is really quite sound.
Doctors enter the field,
One that’s always appealed,
Because openings always abound.
When young, I was “vainly” aware
Bout the style of my long flowing hair.
But now I am old,
And the truth must be told.
I throw on a hat. I don’t care.
Hey Lisi, stop horsing around.
That Wildman is fast gaining ground.
There’s no time to spare
To show you’re aware
That fillies can also be crowned.
Yes Rudy, I know that I must
Keep writing, but now I’m nonplussed.
I’m pulling my hair
And sadly aware
That I’m stuck in the mud without “just”
There’s a shortage that threatens the gains
That we’ve made against SARS viral strains.
With the number of hacks
Spewing stuff anti-vax,
What we lack most acutely is brains.
Seeing how some people wear
Their masks, I must say beware.
It hangs below nose,
Under chin some chose.
How condoms fail, I now am aware.
Adam and Eve have admissions
Due to many ambitions.
I think it is fair,
The first I’m aware,
To ignore apple terms and conditions.
Lisi’s cute Quarter Horse (has one leg?!?)
Ponies up, starts to limp and to beg…
With your shortage of speed
Please give way to my steed
Give your purse to my Thoroughbread Greg
(Or should it be ‘pogos up’ vs. ‘ponies up’…?!?)
I’m on Mad’s sore black list, I’m aware
Hoping for fair two-way fence repair…
Had to change my pen-name
For some limited fame
Do I now feel deterred? Au Contraire!
*********
From Mad Kane:
Similar screen name.
Same email address.
Same IP Address.
Yeah, that was REALLY gonna fool me.
And by the way, complaining about being on an alleged “sore black list” is unlikely to win you any friends or influence people.
When panic hits, folks rush to buy
Rolls of Charmin, which makes the supply
Plummet fast, and provokes
Way, way too many folks
To disperse random Eskimo pie.
I think I should make you aware
That your shade’s up, and thus that your bare
Naked ass can be seen
From the street – and the scene
Is inciting this pervert to stare.
Continuing This Recent Horse Racing Theme: Triple Crown, 2016
Dear Mad’leine, I’ve noticed you’ve fussed
‘Bout “fillers” you’ve lately discussed.
But I feel it’s fair
And I hope you’re aware
That Justify justifies “just”
When ideas do dry up and are lacking
Time to throw in the towel and start packing?
Then you have to think twice
Against your own advice
Your perceived meltdown could be just slacking…
Long ago, folks were given a scare
About March: “Fear the Ide looming there!”
Though I’d laugh at this thing,
It still happens each spring;
Think of April 15th — and beware!
Dear algebra, will you please try.
Don’t ask us to quantify.
Find your X? Be aware.
Won’t come back. I sware.
And please don’t you try to ask Y.
A shortage of gifts a misgiving.
At Christmas it won’t be forgiving.
No need to concede,
Just reduce the need.
Bring up politics at thanksgiving.
Help! My Arm Is Magnetic! (says Miss Moron)
The vaccine we received has been hacked.
And those who succumbed will be tracked.
People, please read my lips.
There’s a shortage of chips.
Make tracks, cuz you’re ‘gonna be whacked.
As recent events would define,
Here’s something that’s way in decline:
In matters with Trump,
There’s a serious slump;
Republicans blessed with a spine.
Yesterday my wife ran away.
With my best friend Bear; cliche?
“I wasn’t aware”
“Your best friend was Bear”.
He wasn’t, till yesterday.
Correction of Limerick From Today, at 1:20: My Magnetic Arm
The vaccine some received has been hacked.
And those who succumbed will be tracked.
People, please read my lips.
There’s a shortage of chips.
You must flee, or you’re ‘gonna be whacked.
At my age, inspiration is rare
And short-lasting, of which I’m aware.
And my English is fair;
Yet there’s no despair:
I still did! Truly yours, Russian Bear.
With an attitude: “Devil may care”,
The lady is flaunting her ware.
She has a high price,
But if you are nice,
She may have a moment to spare.
Beware if PC Siri comes to life
She’ll carve your life up with a knife
She’ll twist you around
Make you look like a clown
When asking a question, think twice
There once was a shortage on coins
In a coinless town call, DE Moines
Paper money was all
It was stack six feet tall
Seeing it, made others shook in their loins
Abandoning usage of “just”
Admittedly has me nonplussed.
This notion to drop
Filler words as a prop;
I’ll start using “like” if I must.
With rainfall, we’re coming up short;
Snow also, I have to report.
But, changing her tune,
Mother Nature may soon
Foreclose on our Winter resort.
For our safety, to make you aware
Roadside semis will put out a flare
What if humans used these
To control our dis-ease
Every flare-up notes need for repair
When shortcake comes up short you should try
The dessert sweet key lime-erick pie
Filler words, additives
And some ripe adjectives
You’ll agree it’s so rich, for, to die
For the bald electrician, despair…
Rogaine treatments don’t work, he’s aware
Electrons did connive
Sparked the wire, made it live
Caused a short and a shock of red hair!
A dessert with ingredients pure
Is a treat called the Turkish Asure
There’s no fillers inside
Critics love to deride
JUST the best, QUITE unique, yes for SURE!
There’s no shortage of food on a cruise
You get all that you want and free booze
You can lounge on the deck
Play the slots, what the heck
If you bet you’ll lose weight, then you’ll lose
There’s no shortage of high notes from Reggie
He used to sing bass, but got edgy
You’d be right to assert
Just how DID he convert?
He perfected the self-imposed wedgie!
It feels like we’re going to hell.
So don’t make your powder room smell.
Though you may be replete
With the toilet roll sheet.
Steer clear of your town’s Taco Bell.
More notable version…
There’s no shortage of high notes from Reggie
Was a bass, wanted something more edgy
You’d be right to assert
Just how DID he convert?
He perfected the self-imposed wedgie!
A shortage of tea? That ain’t nice!
So one bag will just have to suffice.
For more than one cup,
Heed my words; Listen up:
Dunk twice, if addicted, dunk thrice.
Correction Of Above Limerick
A shortage of tea? That ain’t nice!
One bag may just have to suffice.
For more than one cup,
Here’s help; listen up:
Dunk twice, if addicted, dunk thrice.
This flight service charter is where
You get to make love in the air.
Their plane is sublime
For an amorous time;
Above all, it’s hard not to bare.
The Love Cloud is at your command.
With fantasy journeys they’ve planned,
Just you and your lover
Are left to discover
How happy you’ll be when they land.
There’s a problem we have here on Earth.
Of filler words there is dearth.
I complain, since I must.
I adore the word “just”.
It has depth, broadly used it has girth.
Sitting on commode with ass bare,
And toilet paper roll right there.
It pulls from top down,
Gets rid of the brown.
If it pulls from the bottom beware.
Used to store dinner scraps with great care.
Making sure that the frig wasn’t bare.
Now I’ve dumped all the crusts
And replaced them with justs.
Sealed real tight in my pink Tupperware.
“Hi Cutie, I’m wondering where
Your clothes are; you seem to be bare.”
Well, “Mama, ” I said,
They’re under the bed.”
Then Mama asked, “Who is that there?”
The pawslut had more socks than he could wear
His fetish wouldn’t permit him to share
Ladies socks were small
Compression socks were tall
He masturbated with each matching pair
It’s my duty to make you aware
That the ownership’s changed, so please bare
With me, too, as you did
With old Elsie and Sid.
Signed, Rodolpho, their naturist heir.
I had DNA tested for kicks,
So my “roots” I might firmly affix.
To a lab I sent hair
From a sweater I wear.
The results that came back? “Poodle mix.”
Senior Hill Apartment Complex
As a senior, I’m often aware
That I can’t find the key, but don’t care!
Not to worry, I go
To get one from Flo.
Who tells me she can’t find my spare.
No shortage of snow.
The last snowplow broke – had a fit
So, the driver about to quit.
Then told his boss,
“All is not lost”.
“Take this job and shovel it”.
shortage and wear
My problem is “not enough clothes.”
Though my wardrobe is full, goodness knows!
Yet I’m still in despair.
I have nothing to wear
That perfectly matches my toes.
Fan shortage.
The stadium not empty long,
But the air was very wrong.
It had been cooler,
A real fooler,
Because all the fans were gone.
The numbers 1 & 2 worst shortages.
Local pranksters pull a con.
At police station, stole their john.
It was noted,
Police were quoted.
“We really have nothing to go on”.
A missing question mark above.
I ordered pâte de foie gras
Chopped liver with je ne sais quoi.
I hope you’re aware
That I’m très débonnaire.
You think I’m a Francophile? Moi?
A fur coat is a thing to forswear,
It’s a garment you never should wear,
So get out of that habit
Unless you’re a rabbit,
Fox, beaver, wolf, squirrel or bear.
For double duty:
In the shops if there’s nothing to wear,
That’s ok; from now on, let’s go bare!
For supply chain disruption
The cure’s liposuction,
And then I’ll be ready. Beware!
The dealership odor profuse.
Sourcing it clear to deduce.
This smell I can bet,
Is salespeople’s sweat.
No car on the lot to produce.
The gross shortage of waitstaff for Sue
Left ‘self-service’ the best she could do
Short two short-order cooks
Hard to balance the books
Her best tip: “Don’t stand up in canoe”
I take pills with each meal. It’s all right.
No shortage of pills is in sight.
Stay healthy I try,
Don’t think it’s a lie.
Will pills cure my ills – they just might
Long ago there’s a time I will note.
Got up to change channels – don’t gloat.
So please be aware.
Still get off my chair.
But now it’s to find the remote.
Oh, the legend of 3 Finger Jack…
How he lived through 2 stabs in the back
The ripe legend, it lingers
Despite two missing fingers
Plugged the wounds up himself with thumb tacks!
Secluded with wife – we thought wise.
I try to not antagonize.
Don’t care what I wear,
Feel glued to my chair.
Just waiting for covid’s demise.
MORE (true) legend of 3 Finger Jack…
Short those fingers from brutal attack
He said, “Heck, I’m just fine,
(after swigging some wine)
There’s no need to put those fingers back!”
“So, the sign read, ‘INTRUDERS! BEWARE!’
But of whom, or of what? No one there.
Being bold, we ignored.
Went ahead and explored,
And, soon after, encountered the bear.”
My mother actually did own a women’s wear shop in New Jersey.
The rest is just a joke.
Mama owned a nice store in “The Square”
The dresses were none to compare.
When you walked in her store,
She’d lock ev’ry door
Until you bought something to wear.
A woman was searching the earth
For a man. What she found was a dearth
Of one paramount trait
She thought well worth the wait.
See, it isn’t the length…it’s the girth.
One Olympian niche and refuge
Is the Skeleton (head risk is HUGE…)
I’ve now made you aware
(emphasis on the ‘scare’)
Find a much safer bet; you might Luge…
Another one of those cautionary tales.
Fred was my husband, I’m Claire.
He died from my bosomy pair.
His nose had been pressed,
With “my girls” when I dressed.
No air could escape, please beware.
“Things are serious now. Be aware –
And belay that facetiousness, there!
Quarter rations apply –
And you jokers, comply!
None but the grave will deserve the fare.”
My balance, as soon as I saw it,
Was so huge that I couldn’t ignore it,
Such a pleasing amount
In my current account!
Then I noticed the ‘minus’ before it.
Said Melania, “Here’s what I’ll wear;
A jacket that says, ‘I don’t care’.
With a husband this shady,
It sucks as First Lady;
Bob Mueller, come on, grow a pair.”
How come there’s a shortage of chips,
But not food that goes straight to my hips?
Though I can’t find a car,
The real problem by far
Is the tucks that I’ll need, and some nips.
Dialogue, intercourse, and liaison
Can succumb to the female persuasion
Conversation is moot
Body language more mute
And men rise to each torrid occasion
With my best effort did I reflect
Not one clever pun did I neglect
If this round I don’t win
I’ll be filled with chagrin
But devoid of all judge’s respect
Showed my Valentine how much I care, –
Filled a heart-shape balloon with my air.
It zoomed off with a fart, –
Didn’t capture her heart
Now they’ve Both disappeared, – who knows where!?
On Valentine’s Day, – not a care!
Love’s journey will end who-knows-where.
How the years quickly pass
But we still raise a glass
Then we both fall asleep in our chair.
“Interlopers and scroungers – beware!
It is not in my nature to share.
I am hoarding my stuff
Till I’ve more than enough.
If that means you go short, I don’t care.”
In hot-tub at end of our date.
There’s potential for lifetime as mate.
He took off swim trunk,
Got a look at his junk.
“Is that shortage or shrinkage?” I state.
To my sweetheart please be aware.
Of how much I really do care.
Because my wife
Is the love of my life.
“You’re a lady without compare”.
Pacemaker, pacemaker, please keep pace.
Don’t let my heart fail this race.
I know you’re aware
My defib is there.
Will restart the beat – just in case.
“As you may very well be aware,
Management has changed hands, so, please bare
With us while we adjust.
We are naturists – just –
So, please don’t take offence if we stare.”
“When my doctor approached with, ‘Beware!
What you’ve got is both nasty and rare.’
I took hold of his hand,
Which was not what he’d planned,
And said, ‘Doctor, I’d like you to share.’”
Shortage of land.
On lifeboats (escaped being drown).
Asked the captain for closest land around.
“It’s only two miles,
But lose your smiles.
That direction from here is straight down”.
My hair’s not just turning quite gray.
Some of it’s now gone away.
My hair’s not just turning quite gray.
Some of it’s now gone away.
So, I can dig,
A dollar wig.
It is a small price toupee.
When witches and ghosts fill the air
A word to the wise – beware
Please stay out of sight
When spooks fill the night
Don’t fall to an evil one’s stare.
Adam and Eve had nought to wear,
But didn’t know so didn’t care.
So long ago,
So far to go,
And always we hope to come back there.
I’ve a new punster hero, Dane P
With no shortfall on PUN (as you’ll see…)
We’re two-thirds what he do
We all stink (yeah, PU…)
The new dawg on the block, Great Dane be
What we lack is discernment to judge
Bless the unbiased soul who WILL budge
What the lofty judge meant
When she rendered judgment…
We’re all human, just need a firm nudge
Her beau was a pretty good sport
But his member came up somewhat short.
Cuz he couldn’t send her
She used an extender
And straddled atop it athwart.
The language we speak is replete
with verbiage both bitter and sweet.
No shortage you’ll find
for words that are rhymed,
so this limerick can now end complete.
Of limerick writers beware –
They’ll scratch and they’ll bite and they’ll swear.
When a contest is scalable
And glory available
They’ll crush you and really not care!
I needed a simple repair.
Mr. Fix said, “I’ll shortly be there.”
This guy was so hot.
Truly hit the right spot.
I’m so glad I had nothing to wear
Women spend much time, while drinking.
Wondering what men are thinking.
They should be aware,
That thinking is rare.
The time men spend thinking, is shrinking.
Life is a toilet roll, large when new.
Each rotation’s length shorter (same as years do).
So, you must be aware,
Your demise will be there.
When the cardboard tube is in view.
Fleeting mem’ry is something I dread
All day long, can’t recall what I said
But my recall is clear
When my girlfriend is near
I re-member her, often, in bed…
Inspired by Mad’s “je ne sais quoi …”
Peek-a-Boob! ~
I saw there was something bare there,
and though knowing that I shouldn’t stare,
it wouldn’t didn’t seem fair
to pretend not to care
about clothing she chose not to wear.
Inscribed on the Smith’s welcome mat:
“Our puppy is truly a brat.
So guests, please beware
And enter with care.
While you’re at it, watch out for the cat.”
My Mother’s Aforementioned Dress Shop
If there’s one thing my mom didn’t lack
Was politeness, she sure had the knack.
For the chubbies to wear,
She said, with much care:
“The color for lardbags is black.”
My girl says I’m “one thoughtful dude”
Yet, sometimes she claims I am rude.
Though it feels great to share.
She’s still not aware:
There’s no “we” when it comes to my food.
So a fork is a kind of a ware
While a spoon’s not that often aware
It’s for soup or dessert
And knives cut but don’t hurt
But a place we can eat is, uh, where?
Of the Emp’s brand new clothes you’re aware
Here’s a little known fact, if you care
After red-faced walk jeers
He served 20 more years
Went to prove he was no worse for wear…
It’s right under that thing over there…
Define ‘thing’, it’s a mess, that’s not fair…
A covert, subtle ploy…
With your mind does it toy…
Aren’t you dying to scream UNDER-WEAR?!?
A face mask will make people stare
If you wear one, while otherwise bare,
In a way that’s quite wrong,
As a loincloth or thong,
So beware where you wear what you wear!
The king’s son was so spoiled, didn’t care…
‘Round the castle, dad’s crown did he wear
With his ev’ry demand
Things got quite out of hand
The queen’s forecast was ‘reign in the heir’…
Twisting a nursery rhyme into a limerick:
I’m a simple young fellow named Simon.
I said to a wandering pie man:
“On your way to the fair?
Let me sample your ware.”
He said: “Pay, or bug off with your rhymin’.”
“Of cash once again there’s a shortage,”
Said Weisselberg. “Where should I forage?”
“This problem’s not real;
Read ‘The Art of the Deal,’ ”
Answered Donald. “Just don’t pay the mortgage.”
A shortage of puns?
Punny lims they may not be your taste.
But punny is funny, when paced.
Wolf puns are various,
Some are howl-arious.
Avoiding all puns, a fun waist.
Jack-the-Knife, pretty sharp, has a flair
Cutting edge, never dull, flustered ne’er
Critics harsh, pretty crass
Mocked his green blade of grass
Told a joke, sliced the tension mid-air!
Better a-ware-ness version…
Jack-the-Knife, pretty sharp, has a flair
Cutting edge, never dull, earthen-ware?
Critics harsh, pretty crass
Mocked his green blade of grass
Told a joke, sliced the tension mid-air!
When the Queen called the Munchkins to court,
She had promising news to report:
“The world’s scarcity plight
Has attained a new height —
And now ev’ryone’s going to be short!”
A Quote From Mad’s Facebook Page: “I’m looking for wine that pairs well
with pretending to like football.”
A Quote from Mark’s Facebook Page: “Madeleine knows next to NOTHING about sports. ” (I’m not making this up, folks)
Our Mad’leine knows all about “torts”
And ev’ry thing dealing with “courts”
Yet are you aware
That she pulls out her hair
And gets tipsy when Mark mentions sports?
(case closed)
One Darn Word ! To be more specific “watches” (L5)
Our Mad’leine knows all about “torts.”
And ev’rything dealing with “courts”
But are you aware
That she pulls out her hair,
And gets tipsy when Mark watches sports?
Took my car to the dealer, a moaner.
They said there will be no loaner.
Waited hours, beware.
Because they don’t care.
A loner just has no car donner.
A shortage of HUGS.
We meet people, see half their mugs.
We ask how they are; we get shrugs.
Close interaction,
Was an attraction.
I truly miss all those hugs.
Retired, meant more golf I engage.
Experience lowers scores said a sage.
But I’m stiff with wear.
Highter scores, I think fair.
Some things won’t improve with age.
With TV remote in my hand.
I control what goes on in that land.
Many channels, I’m aware.
Lots more than I care.
Yet not much is there I can stand.
“Not Into Twins”
Didn’t want a she linked with a he.
My wife, of course didn’t agree.
She wasn’t aware
That my sign at The Fair
Said, “Buy One And Get One For Free.”
I think that you’ve made a faux pas.
People stare and you wonder pour quoi.
If really you care
Change that dress you now wear,
And problem is solved, un deux trois.
There’s a shortage of breath in the pool
We hear wheezing and gasps as the rule
Oh, the coughs and a yelp
Some think snorkels will help
As the fish learn in schools, we’re the fool
Mademoiselle, I regret telling you,
I must call off tonight’s rendezvous.
I’m sorry to say
When it comes to français,
I’m deficient in my parley-voo.
Divorce means a shortage of sex,
So at times you bed down with your ex.
That’s a feeling of splendor,
Until you remember
The reason you split: she henpecks.
There’s a blight. In our lim’rick submittal
And it’s feared it will end in committal
There’s a shortage, a drought
Lest we figure it out
We’ll have only dry grounds for aquittal
Now we’re TOAST, there’s a shortage of bread…
Yet I can’t get it straight in my head
With the loafers on strike
Want a bread-raise pay hike
So they ARE back to loafing instead
There’s a slow down of clocks being made
And the timing is bad, I’m afraid…
We’re not short on supply
Though you’re right to ask why
The ‘late’ Swiss guy was mad – never paid…
Ay, por qué? Mais, pourquoi? Ach, warum?
I question the world. Still, I’m dumb.
Though my knowledge is scant,
I’m still given to rant
And beating my own broken drum.
‘POLLEN shortage’ has just made the news
All the plants are now closed where it spews
Like the Venus fly trap
Rose buds closed with a snap!
The result, honey-don’ts vs. dos…
“There, there” — an expression of care —
Murmured lovingly into my hair,
Is a guaranteed sop
To provoke me to stop
the tears. I can’t help but ask, “Where?”
Sun-screen shortage has now been conveyed
All the fact’ries are closed where it’s made
We’re all burnt and unsure
‘Cept one entrepreneur
Who claims HE has it made in the shade!
Tooting, is a South London District.
Rooting (US): Cheering.
Rooting (Aus): Having sex.
Route (UK & Aus): Pronounced Root.
Pissed (US): Angry.
Pissed (Aus): Drunk.
Rhetoric: Who ARE these people? What’s going on? (Your choice).
Keep your truck quiet if routing through Tooting.
Tooting air-horns will disrupt our rooting.
This warning is fair:
Heads up (down?) Beware, –
We’ll be pissed; you could trigger a shooting.
I know all about your affair.
I assume, Mary, you’re not aware
Of that nice cozy bed
On top of your head.
With a Maryland crab sleeping there.
He was perfect, not skinny or fat
Their first date, took her back to his flat
He was quick, took no time
In a flash, so sublime
His lone short-coming: simply just that…
There’s a shortage of ‘pars’ on the course
But it kind of makes sense, in due course
There will be no dispute
Students and point is mute
Oh, the course, to learn French, oui of course!
We know thoughtfulness is on the wane
And we think of this time and again
We should all think of others
In the words of our mothers
“I think YOU’RE GROUNDED, need I explain?!”
Attention all Limerick-Off Stragglers: The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
After one year, there’s no shutters.
“No wood for plantations,” she mutters.
With excuses she’s through,
Sends a letter to sue.
“They’ve turned a blinds eye,” now she sputters.
I’m the world’s richest billionaire,
So I choose what I do, when and where.
If the things that I do
Are repugnant to you,
I just do them regardless, so there!
I met him at Dump City Dive.
He dances the bop and the jive.
But he’s sadly aware
That he can’t do the swear
Cuz this cat never learned how to drive.
Bob retired from his job at the airline
Balding fast, but he’d spout his “Don’t care!” line
Met a new girlfriend Jane
And with help from Rogaine
He’s quite proud of his re-seeding hair line!
It’s not that I try to sound tough,
But sometimes the “journey” is rough.
In a sec, I’m aware
I just have to swear
When “my goodness” is hardly enough.
Dr. Charles had a big PhD
But he’d Mastered Kung Fu at age 3
He quit work, thirty-six
Jujitsu, just for kicks
More content, to a lesser degree…
It was clear, Ken had skimmed off the top…
From what he called the shareholder’s crop
But as his wife attested
He wasn’t arrested
Just his crew cut – hair growth doesn’t stop
I studied a Pygmy cohort
That swaps partners and loves to cavort.
I asked a male Pygmy
“Why switch to polyg’my?”
“My wives and I think life’s too short!”
Shorts shortage
A nude masochist’s three pairs of undies
Get washed only Wensd’ys and Sund’ys.
When he’s hangin’ his ‘smalls’
He Keeps pegs on his balls;
Sits in ice-water Thursd’ys and Mond’ys.
4th & Short, with just one yard to go…
Knew the game – cut it short, rake in dough
Quite a drive, had to pass
Then he ran out of gas
Got to 3rd Street, but then couldn’t mow…
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 489. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off DRONES.
Having sex in her pool, Mrs. Jones
Was filmed by a couple of drones.
The clip, it went viral
As there’s no denial
It’s quite a nice pool that she owns.
Disregard that. ^ Accidentally clicked the wrong link.