Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SEAT or DECEIT or RECEIPT OR CONCEIT at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: Sept. 26, 2020)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SEAT or DECEIT or RECEIPT or CONCEIT at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to ADVICE, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best ADVICE-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on Sept. 27, 2020, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, Sept. 26, 2020 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my SEAT/DECEIT/RECEIPT/CONCEIT-rhyme limerick:

“My husband in court must be beat.
Cuz I’m sickened by all his deceit.
He lies just for sport
And in bed he falls short…
So he needs to go down in defeat.”

And here’s my ADVICE-themed limerick:

“Loosen up. Time to let down your hair.”
“Take a risk, but don’t act on a dare.”
“Grow a pair. Roll the dice.”
Uninvited advice
Makes me wig out and bristle. Beware!

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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147 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SEAT or DECEIT or RECEIPT OR CONCEIT at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: Sept. 26, 2020)”

  1. Lisi Nortman says:

    Some people with fancy degrees
    Profess that they’re so expertise
    In giving advice
    (Which may even entice)
    So listen, then do as you please.

  2. John Shardlow says:

    It’s always a little bit chancy
    When choosing gifts for my Nancy
    This time as a treat
    A fur bicycle seat
    Now, didn’t that just tickle her fancy

  3. Mike Sullivan says:

    When a problem you were enduring
    Required a little reassuring
    Twin sisters you’d consult
    Who’d publish the result
    Ann Landers and Abby Van Buren

  4. Suzanne Heymann says:

    I’d be swamped with advice, at a cost.
    They’d coerce me, and worse, I’d get bossed
    Pulled in different directions
    And ripped into sections.
    My verbal objections? “Get lost!”

  5. Mike Sullivan says:

    They both wanted Hillary beat
    And Trump thought it all pretty neat
    But when you deal with Putin
    It’s not convolutin’
    To assume that he kept the receipt

  6. Suzanne Heymann says:

    (true story)

    Both my exes – Deceit and Conceit
    Were just narcissists made up of meat.
    They should both be in jail
    Without bail, without tail
    That would hail, without fail, as a treat!

    I’ve a third ex who’s dead; ain’t it sweet!
    Bought some wine (I still have the receipt)
    Used no gun, used no knife
    Now I’m nobody’s wife.
    No more jerks! Now my life is complete!

  7. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Before YOU get a partner from hell,
    Watch for RED flags and study them well.
    Here’s advice – ditch the glory
    So you won’t be sorry
    Nor have a sad story to tell.

  8. Since your credit card now has a chip
    You can still pay your bill–and a tip
    But you get no receipt
    So enjoy what you eat
    ‘Cause it’s possible your tab’s a pip!

    *********

    If you’re taking advice, make sure you
    Check it out to make sure that it’s true
    Tho he may appear grumpy
    Go with Fauci, not Trump–he
    Just clearly does not have a clue!

  9. Placido D'Souza says:

    My limerick:

    I’m in fact, really tired of all his blatant deceit and lies,
    What’s worse he tries to hide them from us with whys,
    When confronted with the truth, he cries,
    Of course, I do with him sincerely sympathize,
    But I ask : “Why did he pull the wool over my eyes?”

  10. Mike Sullivan says:

    An insect repellent with DEET
    Keeps pests away with deceit
    Scientists will tell you
    Bugs can no longer smell you
    But don’t get it on things that you eat.

  11. Mike Sullivan says:

    ack..amended… without “can”

    An insect repellent with DEET
    Keeps pests away with deceit
    Scientists will tell you
    Bugs no longer smell you
    But don’t get it on things that you eat.

  12. Mike Sullivan says:

    When Obama and Trump first did meet
    Equally tall, one of them turned to deceit
    Since Obama’s Six foot One
    Trump to not be outdone
    Makes Six Three the height of conceit

  13. Mike Sullivan says:

    amended for tense…

    When Obama and Trump first did meet
    Equally tall, one of them turned to deceit
    Since Obama’s Six foot One
    Trump to not be outdone
    Made Six Three the height of conceit

  14. Mike Sullivan says:

    My blind date at the theatre was so neat
    We had agreed on just where we would meet
    But I started scratching my ass
    Having not seen the lass
    Who said “I see that you’ve now picked your seat”

  15. Mike Sullivan says:

    I feel that my day’s not complete
    Till I’ve read the last Donald Trump tweet
    Either insult or a lie
    Is all he will try
    He’s Don Rickles if you add in deceit.

  16. Tony Holmes says:

    The Thought That Counts

    “Oh – it’s lovely. How thoughtful – so sweet.
    It’s so stylish – so compact – so neat.
    How I’ve managed this long …
    What d’you call it? A thong?
    Did you happen to keep the receipt?”

  17. Lisi Nortman says:

    When married, you never should cheat.
    If you do, it is downright deceit.
    But if you desire
    That sexual fire,
    Remember you must change the sheet.

  18. Brian Allgar says:

    The lookalike actor was hired
    To be ridiculed. Here’s what transpired:
    Donald smirked. “Take a seat …”
    Then he waited a beat
    Before screaming “Obama, you’re fired!”

  19. Lisi Nortman says:

    In order to soothe your sore feet,
    You must give yourself a nice treat.
    So move over the dog;
    (Who is such a darn hog.)
    Then you’ll have a real warm cozy seat.

  20. Brian Allgar says:

    (Names omitted to protect the guilty…)

    “You will think it is author’s conceit”,
    He informed me, “but when I compete,
    I’m pissed off when the winners
    Are dreary old dinners
    That someone has failed to reheat.”

  21. Brian Allgar says:

    “Turn left – I have now told you twice!”
    But he simply ignored her advice.
    Moses knew he was right,
    Led them on day and night …
    Forty years in the desert, the price.

  22. Brian Allgar says:

    They’re supposed to ‘advise and consent’,
    But the Senate’s so crooked and bent
    That they simply agree
    Every Trump nominee
    From the swamp – that’s what ‘draining it’ meant!

  23. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’d like to play cards in the city,
    But the ATM thinks that it’s witty.
    When I get my receipt,
    It’s the same old repeat:
    “You ain’t got no cash for the kitty”.

  24. Lisi Nortman says:

    to make more sense (L2)

    I’d like to play cards in the city,
    But the ATM isn’t so witty.
    When I get my receipt,
    It’s the same old repeat:
    “You ain’t got no cash for the kitty”.

  25. Paul Haebig says:

    If you’re smart, then you’ll take my advice:
    to never do anything twice.
    Try it once, it’s a fluke;
    second time: you’re a kook;
    by the third time you have a new vice!

  26. Mike Sullivan says:

    My precocious young male beagle
    Once tried to hump a dead eagle
    “That species is in danger”
    said the National Park Ranger
    Need advice in case this was illegal

  27. Tony Holmes says:

    Not long after he’d taken his seat
    His digestion began to repeat.
    By the light of the moon
    He continued in tune
    Till the bullfrogs conceded defeat.

  28. Tony Holmes says:

    “Yes, of course, do come in – it’s not locked.
    Sit you down. You want what? Well, I’m shocked –
    And alarmed. Must be bad
    If you’re asking your dad.
    Does your mother know?” “Dad! I’m defrocked.”

  29. Tony Holmes says:

    “How the mighty have fallen. How sweet
    That I lived to behold your defeat.
    ‘Try this, son,’ but oh, no.
    What on earth would I know?”
    “Are you crazy – he’s six! Now let’s eat.”

  30. Tim Gray says:

    Notwithstanding my previous deceit,
    I’ve changed, and now I entreat
    All you Nevada Hispanics
    Undertake the mechanics
    Of ensuring Biden’s defeat.

  31. Mike Sullivan says:

    Old stadiums had obstructed view seats
    Where you’d pay less to watch the athletes.
    Move your head around the beam
    so you can follow your team,
    Still better than out on the streets

  32. Mike Sullivan says:

    Old stadiums had obstructed view seats
    Where you’d pay less to watch the athletes.
    Move your head around the beam
    so you can follow your team,
    Much better than out on the streets

  33. Mike Sullivan says:

    On the internet, my lover I’d meet
    She said she was lonely and sweet
    We went through with the thing
    And we had our brief fling
    Till my wife found the motel receipt.

  34. Mike Sullivan says:

    In my dream, Trump and Mueller do meet
    Upon swearing in, Don takes his seat
    With the first question, he cowers
    Claiming executive powers
    Then stands up but he’s still in deceit.

  35. Mike Sullivan says:

    In my dream, Trump and Mueller do meet
    Upon swearing in, Don takes his seat
    With the first question, he cowers
    Claiming some magical powers
    And then stands up while still in deceit.

  36. Mike Sullivan says:

    NBC was entirely indiscreet
    When they provided Trump a “Boardroom” seat
    They took the boss that Scrooge lent us
    And then called it “The Apprentice”
    Ande let him woo folks before he could Tweet.

  37. Mike Sullivan says:

    You say you want advice? OK, I’ve got some
    Mixing religion and sex sure is dumb.
    I knew this crazy hippy nudist
    Who said when she went Buddhist
    “When the student is ready the teacher will come”

  38. Mike Sullivan says:

    My precocious young male beagle
    Once tried to hump a dead eagle
    “That species is in danger”
    said the National Park Ranger
    Need advice if this was illegal

  39. Mike Sullivan says:

    Trump claimed a public murder he’d beat
    Even if on a Manhattan street
    His argument’s main flaw
    That he’s above the law
    Punks justice for the sake of conceit.

  40. Tony Holmes says:

    “Tricky moment – could come back and bite.
    Try a word from the classics. Recite
    Epictetus for choice,
    In avuncular voice,
    Non-specific; you’ll sound erudite.”

  41. For his base, Trump performed a feat
    outdoing his usual deceit.
    After thousands have died,
    he said, “Oh, yeah, I lied.”
    And the base said, “Oh, King, take your seat!”

  42. Lisi Nortman says:

    My friend is so full of conceit,
    That I never shall ask her to meet
    Me exactly at one
    That’s the time she’s not done
    Caressing and kissing her feet.

  43. Lisi Nortman says:

    a minor change (L4)

    My friend is so full of conceit,
    That I never shall ask her to meet
    Me exactly at one
    Cuz she still won’t be done
    Caressing and kissing her feet.

  44. Lisi Nortman says:

    Dear Americans, here’s good advice:
    There’s a man who you thought was real nice.
    You went out on a limb;
    And then voted for him.
    You know better now; don’t do it twice.

  45. Lisi Nortman says:

    There is nothing that’s worse than deceit.
    Even when it comes down to your feet.
    If you don’t wash one toe,
    Your cute tootsies will know
    That your shower was just not complete.

  46. Daisy Ward says:

    She slips then misses her seat
    As the chair crushes her feet
    She lets out a cry
    That made it to the sky
    That drops her a beautiful loveseat

  47. Daisy Ward says:

    The advice she gave me was bad
    Gave me more trouble than I had
    She came back to my door
    Though I wanted to hear more
    So, I gave her a kick in the crad

  48. Tim Gray says:

    Completely ignoring what he was told
    And disparaging most of his fold,
    Having no circumspection
    Save his own re-election…
    “You know, the folks, they’re easily sold.”

  49. Tim Gray says:

    All those folk are just liars
    Citing Climate as cause for the fires.
    Climate Science is fake,
    No, you just use a rake
    To prevent having all of the pyres.

  50. Mike Young says:

    He sits on the nation’s top seat
    And is often accused of deceipt
    When ordered to jump
    He lands with a thump
    That’s how he conceals his conceit!

    So the world wants to be real nice
    We react to his games in a trice
    By using a pump
    Which is hit with a thump
    To douse him with real good advice.

  51. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m so happy we’re going to Crete.
    “Chintzy Airlines” just cannot be beat.
    The fare’s very low
    Cuz the plane goes real slow,
    And all passengers share the same seat.

  52. Lisi Nortman says:

    Your advice surely hits the right key.
    (Always knew you’re as smart as can be)
    With a mind that’s so great;
    Your opinion holds weight
    For ev’ry one else except me.

  53. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad: above limerick: L5
    Could you please change “To ev,ry one else except me”
    to For ev’ry one else except me.
    Thank you, Lisi

    *****

    Done.

  54. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    I’ll dispense free advice to relieve
    any grumbler with gripes to aggrieve.
    I’m quite generous that way;
    there’s no need to repay.
    I say better to give than receive.

  55. Bob Turvey says:

    GREAT SEX – constipation can spoil it,
    So I’ve found a neat way to foil it.
    Iron filings I eat,
    Then I sit on the seat
    And switch on the magnetic toilet.

    I once gave advice down in Nottingham,
    On plants and the techniques of potting ’em.
    When they’ve flowered, it’s sad,
    But there’s fun to be had,
    In uprooting, composting and rotting ’em.

  56. Bob Turvey says:

    ADVICE – to Placido D’Souza –
    “STUDY THE LIMERICK – Please, do sir!
    Your lines are too long,
    Your rhythm is wrong;
    Your text to Miss Kane won’t amuse her.”

  57. Kirk Miller says:

    I felt her upstairs; she rebuffed it.
    I tugged on her skirt and she sloughed it.
    When I took friend’s advice,
    The result was quite nice.
    And lickety-split, I had muffed it.

  58. Tim James says:

    A gal thought her life incomplete
    ‘Cause her butt wasn’t pert or petite.
    When her doc showed her pics
    Of a possible fix,
    She said, “Nice! Please reserve me this seat!”

  59. Tony Holmes says:

    Career Prospects?

    “And who’s next? Young Impaler? Sit down, lad.
    Any thoughts what your future might hold, Vlad?”
    Vell, sir, thinking it through,
    Just between me and you,
    I vos hoping to vork vith my dad.”

  60. Tony Holmes says:

    “I believe my directions were clear.
    I suggested you started from here.
    How you ended up there
    I can’t think …” “To be fair,
    I did tell you I’m no pioneer.”

  61. Tony Holmes says:

    “And who’s next? Young Impaler? Sit down, lad.
    Any thoughts what your future might hold, Vlad?”
    Vell, sir, thinking it through,
    Just between me and you,
    I vould like to be vorking vith my dad.”

  62. Michael Moulton says:

    The president facing defeat
    Decided to turn to deceit,
    He tweeted out lies
    And sent out some guys,
    To beat people up on the street.

  63. Richard Campbell says:

    Damn Don Drumpf — his conceits only widen.
    His receipt for a vote — always lied in.
    Every statement? Deceit.
    Then he’ll rinse and repeat.
    My advice? Leave your seat! Vote for Biden!

  64. Lisi Nortman says:

    “La Shoddy Decor” is so neat.
    The merchandise just can’t be beat.
    I bought a great chair
    When I stumbled on there
    With a real stunning hole for a seat.

  65. Lisi Nortman says:

    Or, it could be put this way:

    “La Shoddy Decor” is so neat.
    The merchandise just can’t be beat.
    When I stumbled on there
    I bought a nice chair
    With a real stunning hole in the seat.

  66. Lisi Nortman says:

    “What Was It We Were Arguing About?”

    My marriage advice is so shrewd.
    Do not think I’m being real crude.
    When you fight with your spouse,
    Close the shades in your house,
    And then duke it out in the nude.

  67. Tony Holmes says:

    “Women threw themselves down at his feet!”
    “I recall, yes – all pride and conceit:
    But between me and thee,
    He secretes D.D.T.
    So, his love-life remains incomplete.”

  68. Diane Groothuis says:

    A man always known for deceit
    Told his wife in a voice real sweet
    “Well my hooker was late
    Came at quarter past eight
    Time and date printed on the receipt”

  69. Tony Holmes says:

    Advice to Bob and Placido.

    Constipation and compost – a theme?
    Your thoughts follow one track, it would seem.
    I would guess, Mad won’t mind;
    MS NOT MISS, she’ll be kind.
    Placido, you might follow this scheme.

    Now, the limerick follows these rules –
    Guides to wise men, protection for fools.
    Anapaests: two unstressed
    Syllables, then one stressed;
    These ALONE are the limerist’s tools.

    Anapaestic, with two lines of three,
    And a matching end-rhyme there must be.
    Next, two lines follow those,
    Diff’rent end-rhyme: to close,
    Match the last with the first by decree.

  70. Diane Groothuis says:

    A young woman known for conceit
    Sat up straight on the limousine seat;
    The chauffeur asked why
    She was acting so shy
    She replied “It’s your damn stinkin’ feet”

  71. Diane Groothuis says:

    A gentleman lover of art
    At a gallery and dressed very smart
    Was advised at the door
    “Sir you’re welcome no more,
    The ambience is spoiled when you fart”

  72. Lisi Nortman says:

    Internet Health Line

    Please go to a doctor instead
    Of getting advice from “DotMed”.
    Cuz whatever your pain,
    They will always explain
    That in 3 little clicks you’ll be dead.

  73. Lisi Nortman says:

    A Little Different

    When married, you must never cheat.
    It’s wrong, and disgraceful deceit.
    Yet if you desire
    That sexual fire,
    ‘Fore “hubby” comes home, change the sheet.

  74. Lisi Nortman says:

    They parade on that usual street
    Those call girls give such a hot treat.
    For that real sexy rub,
    She gave me this stub:
    “Embarrassment Not On Receipt”

  75. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    I have warts; I have hair on my feet;
    yellow teeth, and a laugh like a bleat.
    I have gaping gaposis
    and niggling neurosis….
    Anything I DON’T have? Yeah, conceit.

  76. Paul Haebig says:

    I’m glad that I kept the receipt.
    That butcher’s a terrible cheat!
    The label said “Beef”
    but I just found a leaf.
    This meat was peeled off of the street!

  77. John Shardlow says:

    Herd on the grapevine

    Hey Don, here’s a word to the wise
    It’s you decides which of us dies
    We heard your mentality
    Will lead to mortality
    So what! Four more years is the prize

  78. Jean McEwen says:

    If you are determined to cheat,
    On your spouse, for god’s sake, be discreet
    When your conduct’s impure,
    Make sure you secure
    Your cell phone to shield your deceit

  79. Jean McEwen says:

    Please stop telling me what I should eat–
    As if being a Size 4 Petite
    Is a goal I should try
    To aspire to. I
    Can’t stand kale – Gimme donuts and pie!

  80. Tim Gray says:

    Trump: The All Knowing

    “I always know best”, is conceit…
    But will that cause his election defeat?
    Or will he be in receipt
    Of being thrown out of his seat
    Not for confidence but for his deceit?

  81. Tony Holmes says:

    A Twofer?

    “So, your wife is a cop and you cheats?
    Best make sure there’s no proof – like receipts.
    You’re a fool, she will check;
    What the hell – it’s your neck –
    Just remember to launder the sheets!”

  82. Tony Holmes says:

    “Oim comparin’ these buns with ‘er seat.
    Note! ‘Er buns ain’t fresh-baked, but they’m sweet!
    Sadly, these buns, I fear,
    Can’t compete with ‘er rear,
    But they’ll do me for lunchtime a treat.”

  83. Jane Hoffman says:

    A woman known for her conceit
    Thought her boss was admiring her feet.
    She smiled. She was vain!
    He spoke with disdain,
    “You’ve tracked in some poop off the street!”

  84. Lisi Nortman says:

    A word to the wise may be nice.
    But the truth, (to be very precise)
    Is they don’t need your views,
    Cause to them it’s not news.
    It’s the dumb ones who need your advice.

  85. Jesse Levy says:

    This “e” before “i” like Deceit
    Is English’s worst conceit
    If I simply can’t spell it
    I just ” what-the-hell” it
    Now I’ll shut up and just take a seat.

  86. Lisi Nortman says:

    Always Take The Doctor’s Advice!!

    With my doctor, I’m just so impressed.
    In my heart, I sure know he’s the best.
    When the staff calls in sick,
    His voice mail will “click”
    And state, “Take some pills and then rest”.

  87. Tony Holmes says:

    “So, you managed it, then? Quite a feat!
    I confess I had thought it conceit.
    It’s a shame that the cost
    Makes it look like you lost,
    But we’ll soon have you back on your feet.”

  88. Tony Holmes says:

    “I did warn you – but, nooo! You knew best.
    Take it slowly, no tongue – and No Breast!
    Show respect, win her heart;
    Making love is an art;
    Now she’ll want to get married – and dressed.”

  89. Tony Holmes says:

    “She accused me of lies and deceit.
    She had proof! I was facing defeat.
    So, I flashed my I.D.
    She said, ‘Ooh! Now I see.’
    And from that day to this, life’s been sweet.”

  90. Tony Holmes says:

    Yes, Coach!

    “You must win at all costs – spurn defeat!
    Show no mercy; make vict’ry complete!
    Life is harsh. Stand the test,
    And confound all the rest!
    When the music stops, grab that last seat!”

  91. Tony Holmes says:

    Hi Mad! Would you change the last line in the limerick above to, “When the music stops, grab that last seat.” (‘the’ to ‘that’) Thank you.

    *****

    Done.

  92. Tony Holmes says:

    Advice To A Young Bride.

    “He’ll get fresh – they all do. Make a din.
    It’s a contest of wills – don’t give in!
    He will claim it’s his right,
    That you must – every night;
    But hold out till he begs, and you win!”

  93. Lisi Nortman says:

    Seems my father is full of deceit.
    He says, “Not a soul should eat meat”.
    “Farmer Dad’s” not so candid
    I caught him red-handed
    Planting bacon seeds next to the wheat.

  94. Lisi Nortman says:

    I know it’s a form of deceit.
    But I sneak my Viagra in heat.
    Those pills are so grand.
    Heat makes things expand.
    And I give Sue a long-lasting treat.

  95. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    To the open-air church on my street,
    cautious cats come to prey and to eat.
    From clean tables they’ll scrounge,
    but on chairs they won’t lounge —
    not until they have sprayed every seat.

  96. Lisi Nortman says:

    Do not walk ’round Tucson in heat.
    If you sit, you will burn your cute seat.
    The weather’s so hot,
    You can’t walk; you must trot.
    And the concrete melts over your feet.

  97. Tim James says:

    Said a man to his eldest son, Steve:
    “She insists on a condom? Just leave.
    Birth control’s up to her.
    It’s her problem, for sure.”
    Worse advice would be hard to conceive.

  98. Tony Holmes says:

    Advice To Young Bride: Addendum

    “He’ll get fresh – they all do. Make a din.
    It’s a contest of wills – don’t give in!
    He will claim it’s his right,
    That you must – every night;
    But hold out till he begs, and you win!”

    “If you like it, don’t ever let on.
    If you do, your advantage is gone.
    Let him think it’s a chore:
    NEVER ask him for more –
    Better still, lock your door, sit upon.”

  99. Tony Holmes says:

    “No. the trick is to borrow, my friend,
    But then never, NO NEVER, to lend.
    Sleepless nights aren’t for you;
    Leave the lender to stew,
    And when payment falls due, just extend.”

  100. Lisi Nortman says:

    The Latest Beauty Secret For Seniors

    Okay, this is downright deceit.
    Tell all of the the men that you meet,
    “I’m so gorgeous and fine
    That you must wait in line”
    (Wear that mask from your head to your feet).

  101. Tony Holmes says:

    Yes, coach!

    “You must win at all costs – scorn defeat!
    Show no mercy; make vict’ry complete!
    Life is harsh. Stand the test,
    And confound all the rest!
    When the music stops, grab that last seat!”

  102. Kirk Miller says:

    The Republican drank some wine
    At the party, was feeling fine.
    He got up from his seat,
    Danced the conga, ’twas neat.
    He just followed the party line.

  103. Tony Holmes says:

    “All those years – all those lies – the deceit!
    I’m a cliché.” “But still on your feet!”
    “I want vengeance!” “Good start.”
    “Something painful ….” “Be smart;
    Don’t let on that you know till he’s beat.”

  104. Lisi Nortman says:

    advice and conceit

    Don’t advise people full of conceit.
    Your well-meaning goal you won’t meet.
    It’s like wigg’ling your ears,
    Or having no fears,
    Or stilettos that don’t hurt your feet.

  105. Tony Holmes says:

    “Nooo, I wouldn’t ask me for advice.
    I’m too easily tempted to vice.
    I were your age – a boy –
    An’ discovered the joy
    An’ since then I don’t never think twice.”

  106. Lisi Nortman says:

    senior issues……this really happened to me

    I’ve a seat on my “seat” for my “seat”.
    We seniors just need to stay neat.
    Hit my head on the door;
    Then I fell to the floor.
    I didn’t look very elite.

  107. Lisi Nortman says:

    same story; more details

    I’ve a seat on my “seat” for my “seat”
    We seniors just need to be neat.
    The second seat slipped;
    And wow! I sure dripped.
    I didn’t look very elite.

  108. Tim Gray says:

    Mitch McConnell – Double Standard

    I said to Obama, “No go!
    The election’s too close don’t you know”.
    Though we’ll pay too big a price
    Following my own advice,
    So my answer to Donald is Yo!

  109. B A Dragon says:

    It is really the height of conceit
    To think I’d climb in your back seat
    Your comments suggest
    It’s the size of my chest
    That makes you imagine this feat

    You’re well over forty my dear
    Too late to explore that frontier
    And while you are plucky
    To think you’re that lucky
    You should likely quit drinking cheap beer.

  110. Tony Holmes says:

    “Hey, B. A.! Nice to see you! Oh, dear!
    We’ve returned to the bust theme – don’t jeer!
    Forty’s nothing, these days –
    Besides, wisdom finds ways;
    And it’s never too late, so I hear.”

    “What was that? You weren’t talking to me.
    I assumed … but you weren’t … no, I see.
    I must own my conceit
    And be humble – it’s meet;
    I’m a B. A.’s frontier detainee.”

  111. Tony Holmes says:

    “My advice? Take the money and run.
    Find some sunshine, relax and have fun.
    Life is short, make it sweet;
    Snatch a win from defeat,
    And from now on make you number one!”

  112. Tony Holmes says:

    “You would have me believe that conceit
    Is the cause of this crushing defeat.
    If you’re right – which you’re not –
    I deserve what I got,
    But no matter the cost, I won’t cheat.”

  113. B A Dragon says:

    Dear Tony it’s not about you
    I’ve been absent from lim’riks it’s true
    But it’s not a conceit
    To work to defeat
    Donald Trump – Turn America Blue!

  114. Tony Holmes says:

    “No, of course. I am no one at all –
    Though I do what I can to stand tall.
    And I’m hoping, with you,
    That your wish will come true;
    That it shouldn’t – ‘It must!’ – would appal.”

  115. B A Dragon says:

    Check your voter registration – USA Be sure!

    Tony surely you’re someone of note
    I’m enjoying the poems you wrote
    There’s no time left somehow
    Checking registries now
    To be sure all can get out and vote

  116. Tony Holmes says:

    Do not fret for a moment, B. A.
    Forge ahead! I won’t get in the way.
    Get him out of that seat!
    Guarantee his defeat,
    And once that’s done, perhaps we can play?

  117. Tony Holmes says:

    Country landowner, Everard Elf,
    Took to thinkin’ ‘e’d reached the top shelf.
    But his wife, more discreet,
    Said, “You’m full o’ conceit!”
    Now he’s more like his old farmer self.

  118. Tony Holmes says:

    On a coach trip, I met Marguerite.
    It was I who got swept off my feet.
    I am sixty; old fool;
    She was twenty; I drool;
    Was it worth it? I’ve rebooked my seat!

  119. Tony Holmes says:

    Sound Advice?

    “What’s your energy source? You gone dual?
    Should try coal! No, it isn’t renewal.
    Go for three hundred mill’;
    3.5? Better still!
    Ain’t no fuel, so they say, like an old fuel.”

  120. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Who’s the President’s fav’rite advisor?
    His caddy — there’s nobody wiser;
    for he knows well enough
    when the going gets rough
    to say, “Wow! That’s a beautiful lie, sir.”

  121. Lisi Nortman says:

    Here’s a book called “Advice”; don’t refuse it.
    Inside, there is wisdom; don’t lose it
    It’s simply astounding;
    Your heart will be pounding.
    (Cuz frankly, I just never use it.)

  122. Lisi Nortman says:

    OR

    Your gift is “Advice” ; don’t refuse it.
    The story is “Wisdom”; don’t lose it.
    It’s simply astounding.
    Your heart will be pounding.
    So take it, cuz I never use it.

  123. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad: limerick at 12:02 today which says Here’s a box of advice; don’t refuse it. Could you change that to Here’s a book called “Advice”; don’t refuse it.

    (I typed box, but I meant book)

    Thank you, Lisi

    **********
    Done.

  124. Suzanne Heymann says:

    I’m Canadian; sent a Trump a treat
    Bought some ricin; still have the receipt.
    I had such a good plot
    To remove White House rot
    But I sadly got caught; now I’m beat.

    Here I’m stuck in some USA jail
    And they won’t even let me post bail!
    But they did let me tweet
    And post lim’ricks (how sweet!)
    As I groan in defeat from my fail.

  125. Tony Holmes says:

    Well, Suzanne, I can’t say I’m surprised.
    Of your plan, I would say, ‘ill advised?’.
    We will miss you, it’s true;
    Always thinking of you;
    Re your progress, please keep us apprised.

    There is so much to do while in jail.
    There’ll be workshops – sew bags for the mail.
    Make the most of your crime,
    They’ll parole you, in time;
    When they do, you can tell us your tale.

  126. Tony Holmes says:

    Well, Suzanne, I can’t say I’m surprised.
    Of your plan, I would say, ‘ill advised?’.
    You’ll be missed – no, it’s true;
    We’ll be thinking of you;
    Re your progress, do keep us apprised.

    There’s so much you can do while in jail.
    There’ll be workshops – sew bags for the mail.
    Make the most of your crime,
    They’ll parole you, in time;
    And while wating, don’t dwell on your fail.

    ‘Course, your biggest mistake – the receipt.
    Why on earth did you keep it? Conceit?
    Did you think, ‘If this fails,
    I’ll return it.’? Such sales
    Are best filed in the trash. It’s discreet.

    I’m not helping. I know. Sorry Suze.
    It’s the shock. Either that, or the booze.
    I had hopes … well, you know.
    Now they’re dashed, it’s a blow.
    Guess it just goes to show, some you lose.

  127. Sharon Neeman says:

    “You’ll look great when you lose a bit.” — Please!
    The white jeans that were too tight a squeeze
    (30 pounds more petite)
    Now just bag in the seat
    And have wrinkles right down to my knees.

  128. Lisi Nortman says:

    Here’s a great way to handle deceit
    And give yourself quite a nice treat:
    Deceive the deceiver;
    Become the achiever.
    The results are rewarding and sweet.

  129. Lisi Nortman says:

    another way of putting it:

    Here’s a great way to handle deceit.
    It’s a plan that just cannot be beat:
    Deceive the deceiver;
    Become the achiever.
    The outcome’s rewarding and sweet.

  130. Tim James says:

    I’ve resorted to lies and deceit
    So my girlfriend won’t think I’m “elite.”
    With a mouthful of chaw
    I’ve been watching Hee Haw.
    I’ve a car up on blocks on the street.

  131. Cyn says:

    A husband admitted defeat:
    “I admit it,” said he, “I’ve been beat —
    My wife’s many affairs
    are like musical chairs
    with some other man taking my seat.”

  132. Cyn says:

    With its lost principles obsolete,
    this new GOP deserves utter defeat.
    We’re much better than this —
    at our best we won’t miss
    each incumbent of theirs we unseat.

  133. madkane says:

    The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.

  134. Cyn says:

    Good advice is no riddle nor puzzle
    nor meant for muss, fuss or kerfuffle.
    When the CDC asks
    that we all wear our masks,
    politicians should read that as “muzzle.”

  135. Tony Holmes says:

    “Sorry, Judge, that’s not right. The affair,
    Though it hurt, didn’t figure, I swear.
    I forgave the deceit.
    I declared, “A clean sheet!”
    Then discovered she’d nicked my eclair.”

  136. Tony Holmes says:

    “There are some things a husband can bear,
    Like, for instance, a wife’s love affair.
    He won’t kill for deceit.
    Nooo … betrayal’s complete
    When her lover consumes his éclair.”

    Lovers of fine patisserie will undersatnd and acquit.

  137. Tony Holmes says:

    To some women, their men are effete,
    Serve no purpose, can’t make them complete.
    But these days, if they spurn,
    They’re allowed to return –
    Just so long as they’ve kept the receipt.

  138. Tony Holmes says:

    When you know – is it really conceit? –
    As a lover you cannot be beat.
    Fella feedback: “Five stars!”
    “Should be bottled in jars!”
    I just wish I could give me the treat’.

  139. Steve Benko says:

    Said the sales clerk, “You have no receipt?
    Then a pile of shit you can eat.
    For they tell me my job
    Is to beat back the mob,
    And all efforts at refunds defeat.”

  140. Steve Benko says:

    Said Donald, “I want no advice;
    I’ll put all of your balls in a vice.
    Kellyanne, you’re exempt,
    For you’ve shown your contempt
    For the facts, and your boobs are quite nice.”

  141. Tony Holmes says:

    As a lover I cannot be beat!
    When you know, is it really conceit?
    Fella feedback: “Five Stars!
    Should be bottled in jars!”
    I just wish I could give me the treat’.

  142. Tony Holmes says:

    Would you start each new day with a smile?
    In a way that will brook no denial?
    Set alarm cock, small feat –
    May involve some deceit –
    But once roused he will hardly resile.

  143. Tony Holmes says:

    Would you start each new day with a smile?
    In a way that will brook no denial?
    Set alarm cock, small feat –
    May involve some deceit –
    But once roused he can hardly resile.

    Sorry, but I think ‘can’ is better.

  144. Steve Benko says:

    Said Yoda to Luke, “There’s no try;
    Only do or not do, young Jedi.
    And regarding the Princess,
    Your dreams are of inces’;
    With her, you must zip up your fly.”

  145. B A Dragon says:

    I’ve been married three times – all to men
    And I don’t want to do that again.
    They are full of conceit
    And abound in deceit
    For a woman I might have a yen.

    If things here don’t go as we planned
    And Trump is the “law of the land”
    When he re-takes the seat
    If I ask really sweet
    Y’all think I could marry Suzanne?

    (Y’all is a one syllable word in my area of the Southern USA. Pronounced yawl.)

  146. Suzanne Heymann says:

    You don’t HAVE to ask folks their advice
    I had THREE exes too, cold as ice!
    I could maybe set forth
    Plans to bring you up north
    If election time doesn’t end nice!

    Poor Tony – he’ll probably scold.
    His hope to keep flirting will fold
    He’ll think WE’RE each a cheat
    That we’re full of deceit
    And you know that his feet will get cold.

  147. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Limerick-Off Award 453. Congratulations to the winners!

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Band.