Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FAIR or FARE or AFFAIR at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: March 28, 2020)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using FAIR or FARE or AFFAIR at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to SCAMS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best SCAM-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on March 29, 2020, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 28, 2020 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my FAIR-rhyme limerick:
I went shopping, but most shelves were bare;
Stocking up is a hopeless affair.
Seems most staples are made
In China. Well-played,
U.S. businesses! Great planning there!
And here’s my SCAM-themed limerick:
Though I’m loath to discount and cast darts
At a curative aspect of farts,
Any fat-fighting claim
Sounds a little bit lame.
If it dupes you, you likely lack smarts.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Business Humor, China, Competition Limerick, Internet Scams, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Manufacturing, Poetry & Prompts, Scams, Shopping, Writing Prompts
My wife didn’t have a care.
Until I learnt of her secret affair.
Now I lock her away.
In a cage everyday.
So she learns that it’s better to share.
When young, I cried, Life isn’t fair!
Which earned me a skeptical stare
From my mom, who would say
Do your best every day,
For the world rewards those who would dare
(And success is a life-long affair.)
Posit this: the DT’s an ET
Sent to soften us up. Howls of glee
Heard on low, endless scams;
Can’t they catch him on cams?
Oust the *OOA in Wash. DC!
*Oval Office A&&h&le
Now it’s time to retreat to my chair
With cat, book; none the worse for the wear.
“Institute” – Stephen King,
Such a well-written thing;
Untrue tweet but no scammer, I swear!
(And that’s more than the D can declare:
I’m no liar!…hold nose: brace, hot air.)
Got a dog for my wife at “The Square”
It’s a dachshund, with black and white hair
He sits and he stays
He heels and he lays
I must say that the trade was quite fair
On a trip to D.C. I declare!
Things got weird when we almost were there!
We just could not decode
A sign on the road:
Which said, “CAUTION Folks; Life Isn’t Fair”
Hello! My name’s “Cyberspace Sam”
Here’s a warning for each Sir and Ma’am:
I’m not here to connive
Send me $12.95
And I’ll teach you ’bout “Internet Scam”
Little sister, you’d better beware —
Where there’s COVID, don’t have an affair;
When you find you’re both sick,
The fun ends really quick
In the forced isolation you’ll share.
First he swore we would have a great time;
Then he fleeced me of every last dime;
Then I found I was sick —
Not just COVID, but tick-
Borne disease… yes, Corona with Lyme.
COVID’s not a scam or a hoax,
Among Nazis, there aren’t “fine folks”
No, facts aren’t “fake news”
Science isn’t a ruse,
We’re tired of the BS he stokes.
Here’s some knowledge that I’d like to share.
Fifteenth century food had some flair.
It began in Florence;
Spread through Europe and warrants
Being known as the Renaissance Fare.
If you’re eager to have an affair
Find a guy with the same color hair
Cuz just one tiny tress
Could land on your dress
And your “hubby” won’t know that it’s there
The e-mail from the Nigerian prince
Said he’d captured the market for quince
So on his assessment
I made an investment
And I haven’t heard from his since
The e-mail from the Nigerian prince
Said he’d captured the market for quince
So on his assessment
I made an investment
And I haven’t heard from him since
from 1:06 today: another way of putting it:
If you’re eager to have an affair
Find a guy with the same color hair
Cuz if one tiny tress
Should land on your dress
Your “hubby” just won’t even care
She was bundled on a cozy deck chair
When the abandon ship call pierced the air.
Since the Titanic would skip
The second half of the trip
She demanded back half of her fare.
My wife did not have a care.
Until I learnt of her secret affair.
Now I lock her away.
In a cage everyday.
So she will learn that it’s better to share.
On their date he did nothing but stare
At her chest and the fine display there.
Then the fumbling sap
Spilled red wine in her lap.
He’s the essence of true savoir faire.
For my wife I really do care.
Her whole body and nature is fair.
Until she met my brother.
And they fell for each other.
Then my life was left in despair.
I once paid up a fare,to go to a fun fair.
I met a pretty lady, though she had a lot of hair.
She had a great big beard.
That I did not think was weird.
As soon as we got home we made out in my chair.
Beware of every scam.
Unless it involves ham.
Because such a tender meat.
Is proven quite a treat.
And if it does not cluck or moo you know it’s not a sham.
I was in a bad state of despair
But this was my one chance to dare
Never cheated before
The guy was a bore
What’s the hype? It’s the usual fare!
I was searching for “Suite 14-O”
Got so lost, didn’t know where to go!
I looked all around
But all that I found
Was a door that said: “Swindlers & Co.”
The Kingston Trio: an update from 1959
This man’s in a state of despair
It seems that the people don’t care
Wouldn’t be in a pickle
Needed only one nickle
But Charlie still can’t pay his fare
Said Donald Trump Junior: “I am
Quite well versed in The Art of the Sham.
When my dad leaves the scene
You will see what I mean.
You will all come to fear Son of Scam!”
Grocery Shopping
He came in and bought Smithfield Ham
Then he also bought real pricey lamb
I was kinda’ confused
By the card that he used
Something new, (I guess) called MasterScam
The film was a sexy affair;
It’s actors were chosen with care.
But one would resist
As she tried to insist
Her partner was too hard to bare.
A caller claimed I had a debt
From somewhere I’d never been yet.
Were we in a place
We could meet face-to-face,
Two digits are all he would get.
I’m not entirely happy with the last line of either, But while I’m working on it …
“I was hot for this girl with blonde hair;
And whenever I saw her, I’d flare.
But, faint-hearted, tongue-tied,
I let ardour subside;
(Sigh!) None but the brave deserve the fair.”
Or
“I was hot for this girl with blonde hair;
And whenever I saw her, I’d flare.
But, faint-hearted, tongue-tied,
I let ardour subside;
None but the bravest deserve the fair.”
(Double)
The President whined “It’s not fair!
My test was just perfect, I swear!
That’s how honest I am,
But they claim it’s a scam,
And my doctors are spouting hot air.”
It seems that we weren’t real wise
Our “suite” was a sight for sore eyes
We were simply aghast
Guess we acted too fast
By clicking on “hotelsurprise”
Life was more than Rapunzel could bear.
From her tower she cried, “It’s not fair!
I’m expecting the Prince,
but I’ve run out of rinse,
and I can’t do a thing with my hair!”
The boyfriend enjoyed an affair
With a teen-ager under the stair;
Then to his surprise
Saw her slim belly rise,
And disappeared into thin air.
The Baron directed a glare
Toward the peon who said life’s not fair;
“Don’t blubber and whine,
What’s mine is all mine–
If you don’t have enough I don’t care.”
Debussy wrote a piece called “La Mer”
(Which is French for “The Sea” if you care).
When I first heard it played
The impression it made
Was so real that I tossed that night’s fare.
Dear World, please be careful and wise
Remember most ads are just lies
When you hear that “IT’S FREE”
That’s a sure guarantee
You’ll be in for a whopping surprise
Here’s something I find rather grating:
For ten lonely years, I’ve been waiting
For this guy, who’s named Fake
Guess I made a mistake
To count on “deceit dot com dating”
Trump’s buddies will never delay
In saying that “All is okay”
Don’t believe “hot air” stuff
They think that they’re tough
And learned how to say things the Conway
“We must cut Covid numbers by half!”
Warned the head of Trump’s Re-elect Staff.
“Just give me a minute,”
said Donald, “I’ll spin it–
now hand me that sharpie and graph.”
mistake in one limerick above: Hot air is a noun not an adjective!
(from today at 11:56 AM ) changes in lines 3 and 4 to make much more sense
Trump’s buddies will never delay
In saying that “All is okay”
Don’t believe that hot-air
It just isn’t fair
To speak what they’ve learned in a Conway
(double)
Thank you, Mad!
Got a dog for my wife at “Town Square”
It’s a dachshund with black and white hair
He sits and he stays
And always obeys
I must say that the trade was quite fair
The parade was a grand affair
The throng couldn’t help but stare
A boy in the crowd
Had cried out loud
The emperor’s completely bare!
I was broke till last year; ever since,
I’ve grown rich. Here’s a couple of hints:
For a scheme that can’t fail,
Offer money by mail,
And pretend you’re an African prince.
Rogues’ Gallery
Charles Ponzi let pyramids crash;
Michael Milken sold bonds that were trash.
S&L mogul Keating
Got busted for cheating
And Bernie Madoff with the cash.
St. Valentine’s Day is a hoax
Just ask any ev’ry day blokes
They are made to feel wrong
If they don’t play along
Cause fear for their lives it evokes
The man wouldn’t pay his fare
So, the driver gave him a scare
He stopped the bus fast
Tossed him out on his ass
Walked twenty miles just on a dare
The caller tried to pull a quick scam
The lady shouted, oh yes, ma’am
Called her card numbers out
Gave them a phony route
T’was the numbers stuck on her pork ham
His leaving the house has increased
Our love making surely has ceased
Must be an affair
He’s now gelling his hair
And at church, he won’t look at the priest
The rambunctious ewes and their rams
Got the young ones in dangerous jams:
It called up the spectre
Of Hannibal Lecter
From the book, “Violence of the Lambs.”
How dare you ask!
Nasty question, Trump said, that’s not fair
Do not question our public health care
Its response to the Virus
Has been perfect, desirous
Now bend over, kiss your bottom foursquare
The phone rang, and wifey said, “Scurry!
Do find out who’s calling, and hurry!”
(It’s the in-laws, oh damn!)
Hung the phone with a bam!
“Oh, I think it’s a scam, dear, don’t worry!”
Her flirts were short skirts she would wear
And her chest was, at best, mostly bare.
They both went to the fair
And they soon were a pair.
The affair fared quite fairly, I swear.
Two-in-one
Online lovers, beware that affair!
All those personal ads are a snare!
Sick and broke; ain’t that funny!
They say, “You’re my honey
Have you got some money to spare?”
In a hot-air balloon leaking air;
in the mud on a three-legged chair;
on a yak in Tibet;
in a stolen Corvette —
it was always a risky affair.
“I certainly do not advise
That you take this long trip; it’s not wise
With all this bacteria
Why fly to Nigeria?”
“That’s easy: to pick up my prize!”
His blind date was an awkward affair.
They had said, “She has brains; she has flair
And, by God, can she sing!”
The unfortunate thing:
She looked *much* more like Sonny than Cher.
Identity Theft
Someone’s saying they’re me; that ain’t true!!
With these scams, I am totally through!
It must be a schmo
Who still doesn’t know
That all of my bills are past due
The virus is sure on a tear;
You can’t even have an affair.
“This thing ‘social distance’
Is no real existence,”
My willy complains, “It’s not fair!”
When I heard of Nigerian oil,
It sounded according to Hoyle.
Turns out I got fleeced,
But when mad I’m a beast;
As a hit man I’ve hired a mohel.
A strawberry’s caught in a scam
That ends with a flattening — Wham!
To get canned in preserves
Isn’t what it deserves.
It simply got caught in a jam.
Trump called in to Supreme Kim’s lair
saying, “Baby, let’s have an affair.
I scratch yours, you scratch mine.
One more fling will be fine,
unfaithful even alone in my chair!”
“Although Stormy is full of hot air,”
Said Donald, “she gave me a scare.
But when porn stars I bone,
I send Michael D. Cohen
With some cash to deny the affair.”
“Ze election ve’ll rig,” offered Vlad,
“Vith a scam of which Dad vill be glad.”
Said Don Junior, “I love it;
Ukraine do you covet?
You want it, you got it, comrade.”
Trump’s impeachment, they think, was a sham,
And now COVID-19 is a scam.
Can’t they see the deception
That warps their perception?
My guess? Soon he’ll be on the lam.
With the attitude “Devil may care,”
Blanche embarked on a torrid affair
With a man not her spouse
(Whom she viewed as a louse).
Now her hubby is loaded for bear.
In foul weather or fair
One thing is patently clear.
A humanitarian you’re not,
You care not one jot,
Just for the market and millionaire.
SCAM
I stood there with very big tears
The new pharmacist knew ’bout my fears
He said, “Dear, no more pills
To cure all your ills
You’ve been writing your own scripts for years”
I found proof of my fella’s affair
A sexy black peephole brassiere
And Brazilian thong
Where they didn’t belong
With a tell-tale strand of pubic hair
She had nothing under her hair
So she had an illicit affair
with an athlete well-hung
But by hubby was sprung
And was hurt when he said “I don’t care!”
Just the thought of my girlfriend’s name, Iris,
Freaks me out in this time of the virus.
I know it’s not fair,
But I’m filled with despair,
And no longer find Iris desirous.
I think there’s a syntax problem in the previous draft.
Just the thought of my girlfriend’s name, Iris,
Freaks me out in this time of the virus.
I know it’s not fair,
But I’m filled with despair,
And of Iris, no longer desirous.
My hubby’s been using cologne
And he sadly just leaves me alone
Must be an affair
Cuz he’s taking great care
In never deserting his phone
(breaking news?)
“POTUS CLAIMS ‘STAY AT HOME’ A CHARADE!
Pres reports Chinese germs can’t pervade
perfect U S A air,
so it wouldn’t be fair
to deny him his Easter Parade.”
My Sally is lovely and fair
For garments she never does care
Wherever she goes
From head to her toes
She’s clad in her very own hair.
The party was a perfect affair
The crème of the crème gathered there
But lo and behold
Some guests caught a cold
It seems they had nothing to wear.
My cat she will never play fair
She scratches and bites till I swear
But when it is night
She curls herself tight
On top of my old leather chair.
Please swallow my bait, you’re my phishes
You’ll think you have got all your wishes,
Just send me your cash,
To add to my stash,
And there you’ll be, washing the dishes.
The worst SCAM which this country has gotten —
A Prez who’s disastrous and rotten
And since then, it’s been tough
We’ve had more than enough.
His whole mouth should be stuffed full of cotton.
Better yet, laryngitis would suit him.
Make it permanent, yeah, that should mute him
And arthritis is cool —
No more tweets from that fool
Make him too sick to rule, and then boot him!
There’s a guy by the name of Joe Biden.
Republicans say that he’s hidin’
Bad acts by his son.
And the evidence? None.
It’s a scam that they’re taking great pride in.
I attempted to make a big kill
In the Market, now sadly I’m ill
Didn’t hear ’bout the sham
That Wall Street’s choice scam
Is pretending that luck is a skill
Got an “A” in my final exam
Knowing well, it was all just a sham
Now I’m quite a success
(All the folks I impress)
Glad my major was “Prosper By Scam”
If you’re horny, you prob’ly don’t care
But, some fluids, you just shouldn’t share
So, the government asks
That you keep on your masks
If you’re having a COVID affair
Dear Penthouse, we love you, I swear
But, your nudity standards aren’t fair
Back when I was a teen
There were things left unseen
Some through modesty, others by hair
Donald dithered and failed to prepare
Now there’s no telling how we will fare
But, there’s one thing I know
If they’re doling out dough
He’ll do better than most, by compare
My grandson is funny and fair
He says “Poppa, what’s that, under there?”
All his cunning and guile
Cannot hold back a smile
Then he laughs when I say “Underwear?”
If your partner or you do not care
Anymore for each other, beware!
If you’re silent, won’t speak,
Things get bleak, you’re more weak
That could lead to a secret affair.
Either shit or just get off the pot!
Doing neither will soon get you caught
So just clear up the air
Leave, or fix it; be fair
You’ll feel better, I swear! Just a thought.
“The media hasn’t been fair.”
He whines from his Twitter feed lair.
Put all his together
Regardless of weather,
The biggest of snowflakes is there.
“Hay buddy, I can’t pay my fare;
Do you have anything you can spare?”
I was ready to spring
When it started to ring;
Then he answered his iPhone right there.
Robin Hood went to the fair
And found maid Marion there.
“After I’ve shot my bow
I’d like you to know
I think we’d make a good pair”.
At the end of the world we now stare,
But we’re saving on restaurant fare.
Without my wife shopping,
The bills are less whopping;
For me, this is rarefied air!
Though I’m still looking more or less fair,
Isolation has ruined my hair;
In my PJs I sit,
For my jeans now don’t fit —
And I wish I could say that I care.
There once was a scoundrel named Gantz
Who didn’t quite say what he wantz.
On “Not Bibi!” elected,
He up and defected —
And scammed a whole nation. The schvantz!
All buyers at “Top Foods” beware!
When shopping, please take extra care!
If the tag says, “organic”
But the pears look satanic
They’ve been rescued from “Basement’s Old Fare”
He said this disease is a sham;
That experts aren’t “smart like I am.”
Now day after day,
He shows us a way
Of life between flim and the flam.
If you go to the fair beware.
Of an old lady with blue hair.
She will lead you astray.
A scam I might say.
To get into your pants with a flair.
The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 10 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
Here’s my straggler …
Blah, blah, blah, [insert word salad here]
Blah, blah, blah, you have nothing to fear
It’s a scam. It’s a hoax
Let’s get back to work folks
Kiss your Granny while you can still see ‘er
I dream of an apple or pear,
But a trip to the store I don’t dare.
With this virus affair,
All the cupboards are bare;
In the yard, though, there’s squirrel and hare.
Said a doctor whose cupboard was bare,
“There’re no test kits or masks anywhere,
And though people are dying,
Trump keeps on lying,
He apparently just doesn’t care.”
When a virus emerged in Wuhan
The conclusion by Trump that was drawn
Was that it was a hoax
From the media folks,
And nothing that we should dwell on.
We thought Bernie Madoff was awful
And deserved to be chained in a coffle —
But Trump, to be clear,
Steals a trillion a year* —
And, so far, at least most of it’s lawful.
* The US national debt has increased by $3 trillion since January 2017.
If a suitor asks money to borrow,
The best thing’s just to tell him “Ciao, caro”;
If you give in today
(“Well, he promised to pay…”),
He’ll convince you to lend more tomorrow.
Trump knows the virus is strong.
But he cannot stand to be wrong.
So he lied from the start.
His claims are a fart.
Now are days are made all too long.
Trump knows the virus is strong.
But he cannot stand to be wrong.
So he lied from the start.
His claims are a fart.
Now our days are made all too long.
Named Parker, just call him George C,
New York landmarks were yours for a fee
But what was his worst sin?
Sold a bridge, it was Brooklyn
Sing Sing prison, an end to that spree
So tell me, who said life is fair?
With diseases and scams everywhere
There’s abuse, lack of money
But listen here, honey,
Use humor, stay funny, and share!
What is much more important than vanity
Are things that will help keep our sanity.
We should always look where
There’s a comedy fair
I don’t care if you spare the profanity!
In the above limerick, I’d like to alter Line 5 of verse 2 if I may please, so that it reads:
“I dont care if you share some profanity!”
Thanks!
Donald Trump – Wartime President
In love and war all is fair,
That includes that virus out there.
Though thousands might die,
Why should I cry,
It’s the road toll and flu everywhere.
If it’s to be, it’s up to me”,
That truth shall set you free.
But to be fair
And show you care
Make sure the target’s “We”.
If you want to pick up a scam.
Try Trump, the worlds sorriest ham.
Every word he has said.
Has got us mislead.
Even his fam, is some kind of sham.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 441. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Ring.