Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CARD at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: August 24, 2019)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CARD at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to HOBBIES, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best HOBBY-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on August 25, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, August 24, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my CARD-rhyme limerick:
A woman would try to discard
Attic junk, but her spouse made it hard;
The pack rat retrieved
The “antiques” that she heaved
In the trash, his “save” record unmarred.
And here’s my HOBBY-themed limerick:
A bright but annoying young bloke
Has a hobby; he’ll stoke and provoke.
He’s been booted from sites
For incitement of fights.
No one buys his “’Twas only a joke!”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Antiques Humor, Competition Limerick, Hoarders, Hobby Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Pack Rats, Poetry & Prompts, Provocateurs, Writing Prompts
My wife says that I am a card
When, in dialect, I say that “Ahm tarred”
She says, “Cut the crap
and go take a nap.”
But here I am playing the Bard.
My wife says that I am a card
When, in dialect, I say “Ahm tarred”
She says, “Cut the crap
and go take a nap.”
But here I am playing the Bard.
(Better version, I think)
Trump’s Diamonds Rule
There once was a Joker whose card
trumped Kings, Queens and Aces; discard
an entire suit,
for Hearts are moot
and everything black is barred!
Trump has no use for a card
that isn’t a Diamond; discard
each worthless black suit
as a trivial pursuit,
while Hearts are most certainly barred!
A fat gambler would play the Ace card
Concealed in in barrel of lard,
Unlucky for him
His wife made him slim,
And now he’s been feathered and tarred!
Any inter-race insult is barred;
For sure, someone plays the race card;
No matter how true,
It simply won’t do,
They claim they’re eternally scarred.
Our beloved Commander-in-Chief
Is heaving a sigh of relief.
His “hobby”, so lewd,
Will remain unpursued.
“Poor Jeffrey!” he cries, with fake grief.
“Hobbies”
The Blue Jay and Robin were squawking
Met their lawyer, John Finch, (started talking)
‘Bout the “Bird Watcher’s View”
And wanted to sue
That club for unceasingly stalking
A.G. Barr plays the Potus’s card,
The “Can’t be indicted” canard.
This lying old creep
Sells his honor too cheap;
Let us hope that he’ll soon be disBarred.
Watching birds is my fav’rite, (by far)
Wondrous hobby; don’t think it’s bizarre
That I stand there all day
Watching “cheep chirps” all play
To make sure they don’t poop on my car
I was sick, bored, confined to my bed,
So my wife gave me needle and thread.
“It’s embroid’ry. Explore it!”
I’d no talent for it.
“Stick with it!” was all that she said.
I was young; Johnny sent a sweet card
Called, “Diamonds and Hearts To Regard”
Now we’re married and old
And the truth must be told
He just sent one called “Clubs, Spades In Yard”
” Johnny’s Getting More Aggressive”
I was young; Johnny sent a sweet card
Called “Diamonds and Hearts To Regard”
Now we’re married and old
And the truth must be told:
I saw clubs and spades in the back yard
She loved the senior discounts- so great!
But to look her age? That, she would hate.
So when they’d no longer card,
She took it really quite hard.
She felt her female ego deflate
At first I tried slicing salami
“That JUST AIN’T NO HOBBY!!” said mommy
And then I tried reading
But wasn’t succeeding
(I settled upon origami)
For minority drivers, it’s hard
On the speedway; they’re constantly jarred.
One black driver was tough,
But when he’d had enough,
He decided to play the race card.
( a minor correction) “Hobbies”
The Blue Jays and Robins were squawking
Saw their lawyer, John Finch, (started talking)
‘Bout the club: “Bird’s Eye View”
Cuz they wanted to sue
That organization for stalking
Now that Epstein had to die,
conspiracy fever is high.
It’s not that hard.
Just take crayon and card,
write “Hillary” and let it fly!
“Hobbies”
My “hubby” is just so unique
Ev’ry day he will fish at the creek
But this man’s so obsessed
And who would have guessed
(Even tried it when we had a leak)
“Hobbies”
My wife’s what they call quite a “looker”
She’s even a fairly good cooker
This gal’s sure a dish
Also loves to go fish
And is known as “The Town’s Greatest Hooker”
It’s important! You must disregard
Certain mail, even though it seems hard
Throw it right in the trash
As quick as a flash
If it says, “Pre-approved Credit Card”
Since I’m rich, I can just disregard
Money problems that most find so hard
Cuz “BALANCE OUTSTANDING”
Cries out I’m commanding
And that’s why I love Mastercard
A comic, a joker, a card
Descriptions of me are quite hard
They can’t get to grips
With pranks, puns and quips
From suicide help lines, I’m barred!
When Frankie ‘went through the card’
Ascot punters gave highest regard
Seven races, all winners
More firsts than hot dinners
A day when the bookies were scarred
Frankie Dettori – Italian jockey, based in the UK
“Interest Rates” !!!
From “Discount Stores” you should be barred
So please take this into regard:
Do not buy bubble gum
For a 20 cents sum
And THEN use your damn credit card
Okay, so I like writing rhyme.
I ask you, is that such a crime?
Instead of just working
my brain starts in perking
then I’m forced to stay overtime.
Thumbs up to John Shardlow.
I like your Detroit limerick, John.
Frankie is very popular over here.
👍 🐎
Sorry for typo – Dettori (not Detroit 🚗)
😡
“Are You Goin’ To The Fleadh?”
As festivals go, there’s no doubt,
The Fleadh is the best that’s about,
Sweet tunes go a revvin’,
For 24/7,
It’s heaven until you’re fleadhed out!
Fleadh (pronounced “Fla”) = Irish Music Festival.
It attracts traditional music players from all over the world.
Coincidentally, it’s on this week. Half a million people expected to attend.
It is unique, in that impromptu sessions occur non-stop at every turn.
My hobby today’s Diamond Dotz
And my beads are aranged in small pots
The picture I make
I’m afraid is a fake
But van Gogh is the go..all in spots.
I sent him a crude Birthday card
With humour a little bit hard
But that sort of mirth
Was all he is worth
Here we call him a silly f####tard.
“Home Away from Home”.
Cape Breton’s the fair isle where I,
Must settle to live, bye and bye,
For the vamp and the twiddle,
Of piano and fiddle,
Is my fix of choice to get high!
“Hobbies”
I fine’ly created my wish
And made “Lyonnaise a la Fish”
My husband said, “Yuk”
“This tastes just like muck”
But my dog found it simply “delish”
“Sympathy Card”
“I’ve heard from most places you’re barred
And I’m sure that it makes you feel scarred
Here’s a note just to say
I hope you’re okay
So please read this “recycled shit” card
Genealogy sure seemed to be
An in’tresting hobby for me
So I pulled out the weeds
Then bought brand-new seeds
And grew a real cool fam’ly tree
“Hobbies”
With my cooking I tried to create
An artistic and real tempting plate
I was simply a flop
But that won’t make me stop
Cuz my Corn Flakes just always taste great
“Hobbies”
My wife is the type who will boast
And say that her cooking’s “the most”
But if she’s the best
I’m still not impressed
Cuz why are there bones in the toast?
“Hobbies”
My scrapbooks are making a hit
But I must say I’m having a fit
All the paper costs more
Than it did way before
Because of this recycling shit
“Dangerous Hobby”
Photography surely had sprung
For either the old or the young!
The posers agree
They are willing to be
All shot, and then framed, and then hung
“Limerick Hobby”
Mad’s Lim’rik Off’s such a great race
You write poems and try to keep pace
But it’s only 3 days
And I must change my ways
Cuz I’m taking up way too much space
“Limerick Hobby”
Writing lim’riks is quite an obsession
You burst with creative expression
Is it just a pursuit
To be clever or cute?
(Or is it demonic possession?)
He grunted and sweated and sparred,
Tuning up for the big boxing card;
But worst came to worst–
Knocked out in the first;
All that work couldn’t shed enough lard.
You’re locked in the slammer and bored
Drugs, baccy and cell phone? Can’t afford
Just go to the shower
Where inmates de-flower
New cons as a hobby, some reward!
I once knew a guy named Bernard
Who held gals in the lowest regard.
When he met one buff lass,
He grabbed hold of her ass.
I sent him a nice get-well card.
I am a garden buff
And I really know my stuff.
Growing vegies, flowers and fruit,
Mowing lawns and weeds uproot,
I can never get enough.
I prune my roses and my trees
And like to make a home for bees.
I play host to those that squirm,
Both the compost and earth worm
Though slugs and snails don’t please.
There is one thing, a sheer delight
As the day turns into night,
To sit amid the flowers that bloom,
Scents wafting in that outside room,
Serenity in the fading light.
If you want to be feathered and tarred
Tell the truth on Trump’s golfing score card.
Just double the score,
So a two putt means four,
But prepare to be roasted and charred.
John thinks he’s a bit of a card
As he reels off jokes by the yard,
But they couldn’t be duller
Even though they’re off-colour,
As a comic he should really be barred.
If you think there’s nothing finer
Than having sex with a minor
Your pursuit you should change
And desire rearrange
Lest you risk becoming a jail timer.
One thing that John liked to do,
And was sure that none else knew,
Was to dress up as a girl
And to dance and to whirl
Wearing his sister’s tutu.
In the hours after work he’ll
Join in with a knitting circle.
And as the lone male
He never does fail
To “knit” with one young Miss Merkle.
Hobbies
I was sorry to hear ’bout my boss,
(Mr. Crossword) Oh, my what a loss!
He was buried in town
All of six feet way down
And him arms were both two feet across
I’ll admit I’ve been a transgressor
Revealed sins to priest and confessor
But under men’s clothes
I’m wearing pink panty hose
Do you think he’ll guess I’m a cross-dresser?
Tim, I always thought of this as a life style rather than hobby.
A theory is Epstein they took,
And is snug in a far away nook.
Then at trials Bill Barr’d
Present his wild card,
And the pedo recites his black book.
“Another Hobby Failure”
My magic tricks weren’t real funny
(So bad, didn’t make any money)
I became so confused
Not a soul was amused
When I pulled my hat out of a bunny
I’m a black belt at judo he’d scoff
His grip on her throat made her cough
The attack on her passage
She new she could manage
With a flick of the wrist, tossed him off
A weightlifting lady from Hatch
Was intent on improving her snatch
Now she’s one in a million
With her new Brazillian
And the partial removal of thatch
Here’s a verse for a sympathy card:
“I regret that your life’s been so hard.
But mine’s been much worse
So I just can’t disburse
Any pity for you.” (Signed, “The Bard.”)
I must tell you I’m feeling so jarred
Money’s tight and my life is so hard
So I thought of a way
For a gift I can pay
With my gift card to buy a gift card
(better flow)
From Discount Stores you should be barred
So please take this into regard:
When you buy bubble gum
For a 20 cents sum
Do NOT use your damn credit card!
(and yer holdin’ up the line)
A spaceman whose name was Picard
Met a moon maid who, dropping her guard,
Asked him, “Care for a go?”
He replied, “Make it so.”
Then he promptly “engaged” with her, hard.
“A Soothing Hobby”
It’s easier than it might seem
You MUST keep repeating your “theme”
It’s pure relaxation
And called “meditation”
(Also known as a nap and a dream)
Mad: above limerick: L5 I did not meant to say (Also know as a nap and a dream) I meant to say (Also known as a nap and a dream)
Could you please change that one word for me?
Thank you, Lisi
****
Done.
My brother? (I just disregard)
He’s a druggie; his mind is just charred!
He is just so damn bent
For my birthday he sent
Me an actual Blank Inside Card
My brother? (I just disregard)
He’s a druggie, whose mind is real charred
He is just so damn bent
For my birthday he sent
Me an actual Blankinside Card
better, I think?
The House should not disregard
The lit’ny of sins that have scarred
The executive role
What a villainous soul
It’s time to play the Trump card.
Tennis: A great hobby and a very helpful hint:
In football, it’s shrewd when you’re punting
In baseball, it’s smart when you’re bunting
But in tennis, to win
Just keep up that grin
And master the fine art of grunting
The Key
For lim’riks “the key” is the versing
For acting, “the key” is rehearsing
But golf is unique
You must have great technique
And master the fine art of cursing
correction of photography limerick August 13th
Photography surely has sprung
For both oldsters and also the young
The posers agree
They are willing to be
All framed and then shot and then hung
Gardening: A Great Hobby!
The garden’s my passion, for sure
My lawn has that wondrous allure
But don’t be unkind
So if you don’t mind
Please refer to the shit as “manure”
change in L3
The garden’s my passion for sure
My lawn has that wondrous allure
But you’re being unkind
So if you don’t mind
Please refer to the shit as “manure”
You say it flies faster and longer?
I’m afraid you couldn’t be wronger
When it soars in the sky
Prey catches it’s eye
It’s the Hobby, she now stoops to conquer
You’re riding an old hobby horse
About punitive terms of divorce
Just stop the bleating
Accept your cheating
And show a little remorse
A Great Hobby
I really don’t know what I’m doing
Can’t figure out what I’m pursuing
Ev’ry day I work out
But I’m sure not devout
(I exercise mostly by chewing)
The Hobby Of Reading
My son said that reading’s a “pain”
So I felt it was time to explain
I said, “Stop that bawling
Reading’s only installing
The software right into your brain”
In some things I’m always right
And expound it with all of my might.
As a matter of course
I jump on my hobby horse
And harangue in a loud verbal fight.
The gate lock I slipped with my card,
Silently crossed over the yard,
Crept in through the back door
But slipped on the wet floor
And woke the house when I fell hard.
alternate end:
And woke up the house with, “OH GAWD!!!”
(Favored by some sci fi hobbyists)
The show’s graphic and gross, viewers cringe.
It is vulgar TV on the fringe,
Moral decency, none,
“But it’s brilliant and fun,”
‘Rick and Morty’ fans say as they binge.
Doing yoga is such a disgrace
I tried, but I couldn’t keep pace
Had to call 911
It sure wasn’t fun
Cuz my foot was in front of my face
Different Punchline
Doing yoga was such a disgrace
I tried, but I couldn’t keep pace
Had to call 911
And it sure wasn’t fun
Cuz my foot was attached to my face
Most men seem to just disregard
A task that all women find hard
To pick the right one
For love and for fun
(Don’t bother; he won’t read that card)
A couple went out one fine day
Watching birds (as they later would say).
They agreed to begin
With a cardinal sin
And to end by enjoying a jay.
Marathon Running
When the weather is brisk and real clear
Keep running and people will cheer
There’s no need for stopping
But please avoid flopping
Wear a jock strap, (perhaps a brassiere?)
Two morticians rig sailing ships, ’tis
A good hobby for Bobby and his
Partner Mort. Bob’s the best
At ship building, confessed
He is just not the rigger Mort is.
Horse Back Riding
My horse is so great, like none other
He told me he had a nice brother
He said his name’s Dick
And it fine’ly did click
It seems that I once rode his mother
A gambler hides his high card
Pulls it out from his trick part
Was beaten down to the floor
Jumps up wanting more
Five bullets were pumped in his heart
Jet skiing is his hobby
His jet ski name was Bobby
It took off to fast
Threw him right on his ass
Got up then sat in the lobby
Reading Science Fiction
Those “Time Travel” books are unique
They sure have a certain mystique
I needed to look
For a specified book
(Found out I returned it last week)
Marathon Running For Ladies Only
When the weather is brisk and real clear
Keep running; the people will cheer
There’s no need for stopping
But try avoid flopping
By wearing a sturdy brassiere
Well, sometimes it’s just hard to cope
When climbing a tall rocky slope
So here’s what to do
To get yourself through:
Bring a backpack, a rope, and some dope
You’ll never be known as a scamp
In fact, they will call you “The Champ”
For Christmas, a card
Shows you truly regard
Your folks who are sure worth a stamp
Or You Could Put It This Way
You’ll never be known as a scamp
In fact, they will call you “The Champ”
For Christmas, a card
Shows you don’t disregard
Your folks who are sure worth a stamp
Beach boys like riding the waves
Pot holders, descending in caves
On land, sea and air
They will always be there
To face danger that man always craves
Camping
We found such a perfect location
(A campground with pure isolation)
But we had a bad time
We were covered in grime
And Room Service took a vacation
Trump’s tweeting, it gets more absurd
He’s often misspelling a word
To help mark his card
Upper case, disregard
They don’t help to polish a turd
Skiing
I tried to get into the groove
And ski till I’d surely improve
But I got really scared
And just wasn’t prepared
For the sign that said, “Trees Do Not Move”
When Trump took exams on the Bard
He wrote his cribs on a card
Things Danes would most fear
Is poison in ear
So that’s where he hit them, quite hard
Unlikely that Donald ever studied Shakespeare, probably think Hamlet is a small snack with fries.
Theater Going
We came to see plays; it’s our life
(So absorbed; never think about strife)
But this chap here named Lincoln
Said, “Ya know, I’ve been thinkin’
I should-a stayed home with the wife”
Travel
They call me “The Great Frequent Flyer”
With trav’ling I sure never tire
When it’s “READY SET GO”
I instantly know
It’s the race for rows 15 or higher
The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 10 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
“If you clean up all my back yard
I’ll help you get a green card.
You have to work hard each week
And you’ll be very cheap…”
“Mr Trump, would that be hard?”
Someone stole my bank card,
Which could have hit me quite hard,
But I was just fine
As it wasn’t mine,
I’d found it out in the yard.
In the show I was to have starred.
My name was first on the card.
Then I got the mumps,
Those big glandular lumps…
I kissed leading lady too hard?
NBC just played the ultimate gender card;
Men, you no longer need to get hard;
From heterosexuality women are opting out,
And pleasing each other by using their snout,
Without patriarchy, women will no longer be scarred.
Even “Woke” feminists said “It isn’t a choice”;
“It’s natural, we’re born this way“ Gays say with one voice;
Now licking and scissoring is no longer a hobby-
With new partners, it will be more of a jobbie-
Despite not existing “Praise the Lord and rejoice!”
We “seniors” have worked very hard
But arthritis has made us all scarred
We feel really crummy
We want to play Rummy
But can’t even pick up a card
Gardening
I sensed there was something real screwy
My garden was smelly and gooey
The tomatoes were crying
The leeks were all dying
(I must have ignored the Feng Shui)
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 329. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Pro.