Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FAN at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: June 15, 2019)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using FAN at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to PESTS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best PEST-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on June 16, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, June 15, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my FAN-rhyme limerick:
I have not shot a Glock, though I’ve played one.
(The “band” kind and NOT the “brigade one.”)
But I’m just not a fan
Of either. A ban
Would sound fine. There’s no need to parade one.
And here’s my PEST-themed limerick:
A nudnik is under arrest,
But as people are pleased to attest,
Despite plenty of flaws,
He would never break laws–
He’s just guilty of being a pest.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Arrests, Band Limerick, Competition Limerick, Criminals, Glocks, Legal Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Music Humor & Verse, Parade Humor, Pests, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
When boxes arrive from various
Places it’s rather nefarious,
When also on board
One finds a horde
Of Cimex lec-tu-larius.
A suggestion I’ve often expressed
Is “Have some hot tea for a rest
You must drink it before it
Gets cold or just pour it
On someone who’s bein’ a pest
He’s beloved by all bigots—a fan
Not of immigrant kids, but the Klan.
Countless cretins applaud
Him; they view him as God.
Can’t they see he’s a confidence man?
Settle down! It is only a roach!
Just do this: As he makes his approach
Up your thigh toward your tush.
And then heads for your bush
Grab the Raid Spray and dole out a dose!
All us gals over 50 just ran
To “Doc” Menopause who had a “plan”
“At the front desk you wait
And if you are late
You’re prohibited use of the fan”
“Olympic Surprise”
Of Bruce Jenner I sure was a fan
On the track, oh my gosh, how he ran
Ev’ry jock he passed by
And all this time I
Didn’t know that he wasn’t a man
Despite my attempts to protest
Our divorce has now come to a rest
The grounds were “a first”
Yet they proved I’m “The Worst
Annoying And God-awful Pest”
Though their onset is not fully-known
All those bed bugs emit a weird tone
I have had them for years
And they always bring tears
Yet it’s soothing to not sleep alone
Who thought of the words “Pest Control?”
That term is so stupid and droll
With these bugs I’m not thrilled
And I just want them killed
Overseeing them sure ain’t my role
Those robocalls drove me insane,
It’s wise to treat them with disdain.
I hang up, walk away
And go on with my day,
Not worth it to even complain.
A small gift would be nice, I concurred,
Something special to get my heart stirred.
A lovely painted fan,
An antique from Japan.
But good diamonds are greatly preferred.
Voting, aka pest control,
The working system we extol.
But votes disappear,
It’s worse than we fear,
We know of elections they stole.
correction! (L5)
All us gals over 50 just ran
To “Doc” Menopause, who had a plan:
At the front desk please wait
And if you are late
You are banned from the use of the fan
Movie watcher, a guy named Dan,
Views Bruce Willis films all he can.
“You adore Bruce, but why?”
I once asked. His reply:
“‘Cause you see I’m a Die Hard fan.”
An airliner flushing its can
Flew over a sports-loving man.
While watching the game,
Through his roof it all came;
And that’s how the shit hit the fan.
(True story – it happened during a Seahawks/Raiders game in 1992)
My wife does not seem to care
If an insect flies in from out there
If the cat brings a mouse up
Well, that sends the spouse up
In a chair where her shrieks fill the air!
I met an investment man
Who told me that he had a plan
Now my money’s tied up
But I need it now! Yup.
Of this man with a plan I’m no fan.
I was sweating; could not feel the fan
Just as hot as a big frying pan
I was facing its back
So I turned it and SMACK!
(What a brilliant strategical plan)
Trump turned his arse ‘way from the can
to see if he could hit the fan.
That was day three
of his presidency
and it’s since buried us where we stand.
The Donald gets votes where he can;
He needs every sick, twisted fan.
Many think them a pest.
But the Donald – no jest –
Says “There’s lotsa fine folks in the Klan.”
I cannot pretend I’m a fan
Of American pizza, “deep-pan”.
A good pizza must
Have a fine, crispy crust
Of the kind that you find in Milan.
I would rather devour an amoeba
Than read stuff described as “vers libre”.
As I once told a fan,
“That’s a poem, my man?
Then I am a blue-spotted zebra.”
(The views expressed in this limerick are not necessarily the author’s. The off-rhyme, however, is.)
“I’m sweltering on this divan;
Swirl the air just as fast as you can!”,
she begged of her friend,
who declined in the end,
with “I’m sorry, but I’m just not a fan”
In Hungary, taking a rest,
A stranger annoyed me. I guessed:
“You must be a Buda –
I’ve met no one ruder!”
“Well, no,” he replied, “I’m a Pest.”
Though Donald’s supporters lack wit,
Though he grabs them by pussy and tit,
And insults every fan,
I still hope that this man
Will be stunned when a fan hits the shit.
“Those Nasty Pests”
Entomology quizzes for me
Are real hard and I know you’ll agree
I study all night
To get ev’ry thing right
But I always end up with a Bee
Comely triplets named Ann, Fan and Jan
To star on “Schitt’s Creek” had a plan:
They’d play alternate days —
But they had to find ways
To show bruises when Schitt hit the Fan.
Not the blood, not the frogs, not the lice,
Nor wild beasts and diseases not nice,
Could faze Pharaoh — but when
He hit Plague #10,
He grew weary of paying the price.
Oh Honey, do not be a pest
It is 7 AM and I’m stressed
So PLEASE stop that talking
Go out and start walking
Then later, just bull shit the rest
“With Apologies To Yankee Fans”
In the 50’s if you were a fan
Of the Dodgers, the “Duke” was your man
But one sunny day
They all went to L.A.
And the Met’s became “number 2 plan”
“Susie: Grade 2”
The ants in my school are so vile
Also creepy when in a big pile
Yet they’re intres’ting creatures
And very good teachers
Cuz they taught us to walk single-file
The song, “Stand by Your Man”,
Has me as a huge fan.
Though he feigns his scholastic,
Which then seems as bombastic,
Don does the best that he can.
Sweltering, I switched on the fan,
A cool nights sleep was my plan,
But the fan switch just died,
Should I go sleep outside?
Mosquitoes? I don’t think I can!
Of weekdays, I’m not a fan,
Of weekends I certainly am.
I can ride on my bike,
I can do what I like,
Or nothing, just ’cause I can.
Cockroaches run round the house
And in bed I just squashed a louse,
My hair’s full of nits,
I’m at the end of my wits,
I need more than a DDT douse.
You know those sorts of men
Who annoy you again and again,
Who don’t understand no
And keep having a go?
That’s my husband, that’s Ken.
A coal-miner from West Aberfan
Made his home in a small caravan
He lived all alone
In the van he called home
Maybe ’cause of his coal-dust like tan?
There’s a bit of a story around my Limerick Entry for my lovely wife Madeleine’s ‘Limerick-Off Contest’ this week.
For this week’s contest I FIRST WROTE the following limerick:
A fellow bragged he was the man
To please her, if anyone can.
He gave it his best.
Her response, “Sir, you jest;
You were only a flash in my pan.”
My lovely wife Madeleine smiled, but then reminded me that I had used neither the rhyme word of FAN, nor the theme of PEST for this week.s contest. (Ut Oh. . . )
She then suggested the following:
A fellow bragged he was the man
To please her, if anyone can.
He gave it his best.
Her response, “Sir, you PEST;
You were only a flash in my pan.”
I counter offered:
She’d soon be a satisfied FAN;
He’d please her, if anyone can.
He gave it his best.
Her response, “Sir, you jest;
You were only a flash in my pan.”
And then she suggested, why not COMBINE the two as a COMBO submission, and so I did just that. Enjoy!
She’d soon be a satisfied FAN;
He’d please her, if anyone can.
He gave it his best.
Her response, “Sir, you PEST;
You were only a flash in my pan.”
Though your editor may be a pest,
She really does know what is best.
For limericks work
When there’s nary a quirk
In the meter we call anapest.
“Pest In The Bed”
With pests that are big, you say “SHOO”
But when they are small, that’s not true
In our water bed we
Thought there might be a flea
When we noticed a tiny canoe
“Be my Veep, for I’m such a big fan,”
Papa Bush said one morning to Dan.
“Though you can’t spell ‘potato,’
I’m ordering NATO
To tubers and broccoli ban.”
My friend Billy’s exceedingly smug
And most of his statements I shrug
He claimed he saw ants
So would not “take a chance”
And ride in my Volkswagen Bug
As the boss of this firm, I’m the best
Here’s my mantra; you’ll be quite impressed:
“This job ain’t much fun
So to get the work done
I must constantly be a big pest”
Even though my dear spouse did protest
I must say that my novel’s the best
He says “It’s not nice”
Yet the title’s concise:
“My Mother-In-Law Is A Pest”
(better L5)
Who thought of the words “Pest Control?”
I think they are laughingly droll
With these bugs I’m not thrilled
And I sure want them killed
To govern them isn’t my role.
Mad: above limerick L5 I made a mistake
Could you please change “To govern them just ain’t my role”
to ” “To govern them isn’t my role”
Thank You
Lisi
****
Done.
I once knew a fellow named Riley
Whose bosses regarded him highly.
I thought him a pest
‘Cause of what he did best:
Kissing management’s butts very slyly.
The nation of which I’m a fan
Is the beautiful island: Japan
When I arrived there the fuzz
Told me Pearl Harbor was
A fake news and fictional plan
A hooker called “Jolie Stéphane”
Would stroll by the sea-front in Cannes.
She greeted each sailor
Who hoped he might nail her
With “Bonjour, marin * – yes, you can.”
* French for “Hello, sailor.”
Two muggers named Spider and Bugs
Needed money to pay for their drugs,
So they ganged up on Flo —
But did not find her dough
(She had stashed it between her large jugs).
An autograph-seeker named Stan
To invade a star’s flat had a plan:
He had come there, said he,
“To replace your A/C” —
Which made sense, because Stan was a fan.
The cops made a slew of arrests
In notorious criminal nests;
When asked why the fuss,
The Chief said “That’s us–
‘We detest those pestiferous pests.”
Of this store I am such a big fan
And I buy all the clothes that I can
What’s ever on sale
I’ll sure never fail
To enact the superb “Marshall’s Plan”
Why do I not like the man?
Why do I say, “Not a fan”?
There’s something about Donny
That’s far from being bonny,
That eludes my true “bonhomie” scan.
My “ex” was a fervent sports fan
Even knew just how fast players ran
But with all of that zeal
Never cooked one damn meal
This man couldn’t open a can
My “hub” is just one of those guys
Who is smart and real clever and wise
As per my requests
He kills all the pests
My sweetie is “Lord of our Flies”
Miss Ivanka is not a big fan
Of some fabrics of cotton. Her plan
Is to not wear plain weaves.
They’re proscribed, she believes,
By her Daddy’s good-brained muslin ban.
My wife screamed, “Do NOT have that fudge!
Eat your salad. Just sit there. Don’t budge”
Ev’ry day it’s the same
And it’s such a damn shame
That I married a “number one nudge”
“Hair Pests”
There once was a gal name of Iris
For Steve she was very desirous
But he had bad head lice
After kissing him twice
She died from the “Bug In Hair Virus”
Mad: L5 of above limerick: should read She died from the “Bugs In Hair Virus”
not She died from the “Bug In Hair Virus”
Could you change that for me?
Thank You,
Lisi
Tom though he was just a loyal fan
But was ask to be part of a band
He shimmied and screamed
Threw out chunks of ice cream
Slipped” then fell on a microphone stand
The nasty fly was a pests
Flew around to make a new nests
Landed hard when sprayed
With a large can of raid
“At first” thought it was some kind of tests
Before the show they had an upheaval
That laid low star Evel Knievel.
It wasn’t a crash
That caused the mad dash,
But food infested with tiny black weevil.
She was looking to spice up her show,
Thought hard then shouted, “I know,
I’ll dance with a fan,
The sort you wave, not a man,
And big, to cover… You know?”
Do you want to be right or be happy?
The former will make your life crappy
If your wife is a pest
Then you’ve not passed this test
And your marriage won’t work, my dear chappy
“Perpetual Pest”
Don’t get married my friend; here’s a clue
You will constantly be in a stew
You can’t do as you please
Cuz the problem is she’s
Always tellin’ you just what to do
(Double)
I bought and installed a big fan.
“Keeps mosquitoes away”, said the man.
They were false guarantees,
For the pests loved the breeze,
And the bloodsucking banquet began.
Plague of termites is having a ball
Eating everything up. People call
Every smart aleck pest
By a name they suggest
Is quite apt: It’s a big gnaw-it-all.
He said he got “fixed” What a man!
(So handsome) I sure was his fan!
But here is the rub
I am now “in the club”
Seems his method was “catch-as-catch-can”
(For those who don’t know, “in the club” is slang for pregnant)
R un away, friend as quick as you can
O n a very fast pace to your van
A pest on the floor’s
C irc’ling right near your door
H e’s disgusting and sure not your fan
acrostic
Herb the gardener couldn’t abide
That he got no sweet love from his bride.
She hooked up with a man
Who’s a big oral fan.
Consequently, she tossed Herbicide.
In these lim’riks I’ve noticed a man
Will use any darn words that he can
“Oral Sex” and the like
Make my blood pressure spike
“Oh my DAHLING please hand me that fan !!
We have an infestation of mice,
Understated, that’s not very nice,
We bought in a cat
That quickly got fat
Then didn’t bother in looking twice.
Of rats, we’ve also a plague.
The number? I’m a bit vague,
But all will be well
With this guy William Tell,
The Rat Catcher listed by Craig.
There’s some people that you can’t trust,
Who go out all rip, shit and bust…
He got rid of the rats,
The mice and fat cats.
But the kids? Now we’re a little bit fussed.
Hi Mad,
Maybe that last one shouldn’t have the little in the last line?
Cheers
Tim
I just realised I mixed up some stories, so…
The Pied Piper’s name we don’t know.
Could it be Tell? We say so,
As one early fan
Of the Pied Piper man
Embellished the tale with cross-bow.
A country of which I’m a fan
Is that beautiful island: Japan
But what’s with that flag?
Oh, Man, what a drag!
Did the designer just not have a plan?
OOPS! (meter)
A country of which I’m a fan
Is that beautiful island: Japan
But what’s with that flag?
Oh, Man! What a drag!
Did that artist just not have a plan?
There was a young Mexican man,
An avowed ladies’ underwear fan.
To nurture his passion
He imported French fashion;
And now in Cancun there’s Can-Can.
A young ballroom dancer called Dan
Was a Latin-American fan.
At the rumba or tango
You could see that fan Dan go.
An expert terpsichorean.
A charming young lady from Cannes
Did an exotic dance for a man.
She had him in fits
Trying to cover her bits.
Poor girl had only one fan.
A young ballroom dancer called Dan
Was a Latin-American fan.
At the rumba or tango
You could see that fan Dan go.
And where Dan goes, the tango’s the plan.
The old man said, “I need a rest.”
His wife said, “You tired old pest!”
You’re driving me crazy
Because you’re so lazy.
I’ve seen more life in a tramp’s vest.”
“Tenmusu” (rice balls with shrimp)
Of tenmusu we sure were a fan
And to “Masa” (Manhattan) we ran
But the service was slow
Cuz we just didn’t know
That the meals were all “Made In Japan”
:
The old man said, “I need a rest.”
His wife said, “You tired old pest!
You’re driving me crazy
Because you’re so lazy.
There’s more life inside a tramp’s vest.”
:
As I sat with Mae West, drinking tea,
On her bosom there landed a bee.
I said, “Look out Miss West,
There’s a pest on your chest!”
She said, “Beulah, remove it for me.”
Said an angry, disgruntled ex-fan:
“That swamp-draining promise? Oh, man!
Instead of de-pested,
The swamp’s more infested
Than even the day you began!”
The missing candidate Joe Biden;
Was finally forced out of hidin’;
A decades long Catholic man,
He’s now a pro-abortion fan,
With Kermit Gosnell he’s now sidin’.
How sweet the melodious chants
That are crooned by the bugs in our plants
On our charming new deck
Which one time was a wreck
Now repaired by our carpenter ants
Most people think fungus a pest;
AOC thinks mushrooms are best;
It will likely end tragic,
Wanting to study their magic,
Will likely end her socialist quest.
“Those Soviet pests,” declared Tito,
“Buzz around like some kind of mosquito.
Though we’re not very big,
When they zag we can zig;
We’re as feisty as Danny DeVito.”
Oh my gosh! There’s a spider! No doubt!
Just so fast! as it’s crawling about!
It sure isn’t itsy
And clearly not bitsy
And simply too big for the spout
This phobia, I’ve had it for years
I’ve been told I should face my fears
But try as I might
I have to take flight
Each time Incy Wincy appears
I enter as oft as I can
This week, flattery’s my game plan
Mad’s humour and wit
For me’s a big hit
I must be her number one fan
“Big Acrostic Pest”
P atricia’s annoying as heck
E v’ry day she’s a pain in the neck
S he says that I’m lazy
K nows she’s driving me crazy
Y es Siree! I’m a broken down wreck
(Fan and Pest)
“Buster Keaton”
Way back when, he was everyone’s fan
In vaudeville is where he began
He was clearly unique
In most films didn’t speak
His expressions were often “deadpan”
In comedy he was the best
With his acting the folks were impressed
Ms. Conchita was hot
Made him fall off his yacht
When he starred in “The Pest Of The West”
“One percenter” Beto is a peculiarity;
Not in money, but In popularity;
So far in Iowa he has only one fan,
But that’s one more than the de Blasio man,
And even one fan for both has to be charity.
Near my bed was a cockroach, (behind it)
I took out a flashlight and shined it
Saw it move all about
But then I freaked out
Cuz suddenly I couldn’t find it
Dearest Michael, I’ve kept this suppressed
But it’s finally time you knew best
Here’s some good sound advice
I shall be quite precise
So please do not think me a pest!
Here’s our “sex talk” so son listen please!
God forbid you should get a disease!
As a child I was stung
When I stuck out my tongue
You may kiss all the birds, not the bees.
“Cleopatra, your face we shall fan,”
Said the handmaidens, “That’s today’s plan.
And your hair we will comb
As the doings in Rome
You keep track of with Marc on C-Span.”
“Overwhelm Trump” the Democrats bemoan;
“It’s too bad Barrack we cannot clone;”
It’s difficult to be a fan,
Of such an elite clan,
When their best candidates are from a nursing home.
Elizabeth Warren-
Would be far less borin’
If she could muster,
Proof she beat Custer,
Her supporters wouldn’t be left snorin’
A true story. On thinking one had found a fellow G&S enthusiast:
The ticket evoked old Japan:
A geisha it showed, with a fan.
“ ‘The Mikado’! The best!”
The judge said, “Good jest.
Puccini. La Scala, Milan.”
On feet sore from bone spurs, he ran
From that war. (He was never a fan.)
An excuse, finely crafted,
Meant Trump wasn’t drafted,
And taught him that lies make the man.
A giant condenser named Stan
In the Home Depot called to a man:
“Please don’t deny me
And tell them you’ll buy be
And I will be your biggest fan!”
There once was a young roach named Steve
Checked in a motel one warm eve
The desk clerk, Don Henley
Said “Round here we’re friendly,
You can check out but you cannot leave.”
An ambulatory young roach
Said, to his friend’s stern reproach,
“I know I can fly
But you know that I
Can’t stand those gross people in coach.”
Life’s like the blade of a fan:
We move round as fast as we can,
We try to be chill
But do what we will
We end up right where we began.
The schoolboy’s Mom told him, “Be nice!”
Which is usually quite sound advice.
But things weren’t so rosy
When he got too cozy,
Contracting a head full of lice.
“Fan” and “Pest” (an extended version of a previous limerick)
The country of which I’m a fan
Is that beautiful island: Japan
But what’s with that flag?
It is surely a drag
Did the artist just not have a plan?
“Kindergarten Activity”
The parents won’t call them a pest
Now so proud that their kids passed this test:
They must first take a pencil
And circle a stencil
Then schmear in red paint. Time for “rest”
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 324. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Loot.