Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PAIRS or PEARS or PARES or REPAIRS or PREPARES or COMPARES at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using PAIRS or PEARS or PARES or REPAIRS or PREPARES or COMPARES at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to THEFT, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best THEFT-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on December 2, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 1, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
It appears that my car needs repairs;
From the noise, you would swear that some bears
Are marauding inside,
Which ain’t good for the ride…
And impairs surreptitious affairs.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Affair Limerick, Animal and Pet Humor, Auto Humor, Automobile Humor, Bears Humor, Car & Driving Humor, Car Limerick, Competition Limerick, Infidelity Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
A stripper with pasties and patch
Hid her diamonds high up in her snatch,
But a talebearing snitch
Went and told on the bitch,
And the stash was soon snatched — a good catch!
I once had an apartment upstairs
From a gal who took clients in pairs,
But she quit in disgust
When her portals of lust
Were sealed off by Internal Affairs.
HONEYMOON SWOON (a blatant rip-off of Mad Kane)
It appears that my butt needs repairs;
From the noise, you would swear some large flares
Are exploding inside,
Which ain’t good for the bride…
And may lead to unwanted affairs!
She had beauty right down to an art
And she caused all my breath to depart
“She is gorgeous”, I said
And at that, I dropped dead
For the woman had stolen my heart!
My “hubby” said, “Duct tape repairs
Are “the fix” whether down or upstairs”
When we had a flat tire
Although it seemed dire
He claimed it was “cheaper than spares”
Big Deal! So I stole me a cruller!
Hey! Life in this town can’t be duller!
Got put in the clink
I sure didn’t think
‘Bout Orange! (It just ain’t my color)
“Them Forestry ****s!” Donald swears.
“All them wildfires! Who’ll pay for repairs?
California’s burned,
And I feel so concerned
That I’m sending my thoughts and my prayers.”
It seems that Viagra was stolen
By crooks that were mainly Angolan
The newspaper said:
“Cops are full steam ahead
And looking for thieves who are swollen”
Wearing little to hide their plump pairs,
The hookers encouraged more stares,
From each guy who walked by,
With a wink and bared thigh,
As they flaunted their valuable wares.
Got a call, my credit card’s been hacked.
As usual, I overreact.
One more security breach.
So many parties to reach.
I’m enraged as I write this- a fact!
Gov. Brown hears Trump’s words; he just stares.
Trump equated Finland’s forests with theirs.
It’s climate change causation,
A different situation.
It’s like comparing oranges with pears.
Seems all her watches and clocks need repairs,
She often goes to the mirror, just stares.
The time pieces run too fast,
Her youth is now in the past.
She’s baffled-out of nowhere, those grey hairs.
Gov. Brown hears Trump’s words; he just stares.
Finland and California, Trump compares.
It’s climate change causation,
A different situation.
It’s like equating oranges with pears.
Of course, we know twins come in pairs
If you want them, say all of your prayers
And here’s more advice:
You must “get it on” twice
First go up, then continue downstairs.
When it comes to lies, no one compares
To Trump-
he shoots off falsehoods and glares.
Then denies what he said;
Or doubles-down instead.
What a frightening state of affairs.
Trump can’t walk down stairs
He grips handrails in pairs
And you know damn well
He’s never hiked a wooded trail
Seen a fern, a faun or a bear.
I need a mechanic who cares!
These noises came so unawares!
My car went cling clang
And then went bing bang
So I guess it is time for repairs
On Tuesday, I went out to shop
Stole some bras, but was caught by a cop
In court I replied:
“I would have just cried
If I had to go flippity flop”
My friend is just like a designer!
Her place settings couldn’t be finer!
She said, “I’m so gifted
My cutlery’s lifted
From many an upper-class diner”
To rob stuff, I’m never afraid!
So I lifted mascara at “Jade”
Went back to the store
To steal a few more
I just need to find the right shade!
My friend ain’t got “nothing upstairs”
Said at Christmas, he says “all his prayers”
(Sings a holiday song
Where the words don’t belong):
“A Partridge In Trees Full Of Pears”
He Who Smirks Best Won’t Last ~
For the truest of truth, none compares
With what Donald prepares for his heirs.
From his derriere they feed,
All consumed by his need
To be loved for the mask that he wears.
They used to grow apples and pears
Filling grocery bins with their wares.
Now they’re serving us well
In this Trumpian spell;
With vineyards that drown all our cares.
For theft from a butchers (Wal-Mart)
An item unpaid in his cart
Stealing entrails, unlawful
His crime, taking offal
Now punished for stealing a heart
To speak of infamous pairs
The steadfast journalist dares
“The Sterling young men
Are hunting again
Your 45’s out with his heirs”
The trophys hang at their lairs
They keep on putting on airs
This isn’t a joke
I just want to choke
But it’s fully legal he swears
My friend always says, and she “swears!”
That I’d love all those great county fairs
So I went with my date
And this guy guessed my weight
Then I gave him a kick in his pairs.
Twin sisters, so hot they drew stares,
Swung on by to relieve all his cares.
All misfortunes, you see,
Come in batches of three,
While the best things in life come in pairs.
The prison on “Lake” got new chairs
So the lowlifes can fry (man needs PRAYERS!)
When the process is done
He shouts, “THAT WAS FUN!”
I think that these chairs need repairs.
There’s nothing that closely compares
To a life of real tawdry affairs
To prevent spousal wrath
Go and take a long bath
So he won’t find unusual hairs.
Mad: previous limerick: line 4 “Go take a long bath” will have better meter
with “Go and take a long bath”
Can you change that for me?
Thank you, Lisi
********
Done.
Another Version Of A Holiday Song
My friend ain’t got “nothing upstairs”
Said at Christmas he says “all his prayers”
(Sings a holiday song
Where the words don’t belong:)
“A Partridge In Trees With No Pears”
The game has the Vikings and Bears;
Who’s winning? Well, nobody cares.
The guys are in bunches;
I’d say that my hunch is:
At Hooters they’re watching the pairs.
Pierre, he appears at the piers
With Perry and Parren, his peers
As the pair sparely peers
Pierre, he prepares
Imperious perilous prayers.
There’s no pleasure that even compares
To a camp-out at “Yellowstone Fairs”
You’ll have dirt up your pants
And be bitten by ants
Then make friends with some real hungry bears.
There once was a cold-hearted thief
Who only caused heartache and grief
The worst thing he stole
Was this nation’s soul
But that’s our Commander in Chief.
Our grandson’s so sweet when he shares
All his toys and his cute Teddy Bears
Last week he turned three
We’re so happy that he
Handles all our computer repairs.
For theft, you must be very smart
Cause stealing is truly an art
You don’t want to be found
So do not make a sound
And for goodness sake, hold in your fart.
My wife still denies her affairs
With the guy who does auto repairs
She smells just like tires
And old greasy wires
And wears necklaces cut out from spares.
I can’t stop staring at pairs
Of subjects, I’m quite unawares
They say, “Keep watching my lips,
And if your gaze slips,
Your tackle will need some repairs!”
Her guests start arriving in pairs;
Then head to the rec room downstairs.
After spirits or suds,
They’re removing their duds;
Jill’s parties are bang-up affairs.
There was once a sweet pair of au pairs
Who were chamed by a pair of o’freres.
When the two Irish monks
Showed themselves to be skunks,
The au pairs made the freres into pères.
Life, it seems, likes to do things in twos,
Though exceptions abound to confuse.
Buns and boobs come in pairs,
As do hands: It all squares.
Evolution? Or planning – but whose?
I stole lipstick called “Dark Red Sublime”
Couldn’t help it; I had but one dime
It did not match my dress
I just looked like a mess
Now THAT’S what you call a true crime!
If you want all the present-day news
It’s a cinch to read all that you choose
So just before dawn
On your dear neighbor’s lawn
Grab his paper. Don’t leave any clues.
A pickpocket fled from the bar;
Tried running, but not very far.
They ended the chase
In a parking lot space;
Somebody had stolen his car.
My sweetheart proclaimed and he “swears”
(I was shocked! And just caught unawares!)
That he knows all the phrases
And the one he most praises
Is “A Bird In The Hand’s Worth Two Pairs”
“Same sweetheart: verse 2”
My sweetheart proclaimed and he “swears”
(We were shocked! And just caught unawares!)
That he knows EVERY song
So “Let’s all sing along:
To “A Bicycle Built Just For Pairs”
If you read while descending the stairs
Give some thought to the cost of repairs.
Sudden shock, or you’re pissed;
Down you go – step is missed;
Will insurance stump up for the spares?
There is nothing that even compares
To sitting in church saying prayers
Next to someone who reeks
(Hasn’t bathed in six weeks)
And is letting out unsacred airs
A burglar was just apprehended
In a manner not quite recommended.
The loot had been stashed
In a trunk that was mashed;
His car was first chased then rear-ended.
My “Granny” is working upstairs
Making baskets of fruit, which she shares
She’ll be down right away
So I hope you will stay
She’s just paring her last pair of pears.
I’m thinking of what I should wear,
when dining on Thanksgiving fare.
Need a “buffet-waistband”
that can stretch and expand,
and give me some cush room to spare!
I’m spending Thanksgiving in Boston.
Took a plane with a pit stop through Austin.
My children are there
so I just said a prayer
and I flew despite what it is costin’.
A hooker I met had green hair,
and it didn’t look quite right down there.
She said: “Baby, don’t knock it,
I know how to rock it.”
So I jumped in and tried not to stare.
Theft theme
A thief made a crucial mistake
and failed to divide up his take.
His partner found out,
punched him right in the snout,
which caused their alliance to break.
I’m making some thanksgiving fare.
A dish made with both yams and pear.
Brown sugar and brandy,
it tastes just like candy,
I’m hoping there’s enough left to share.
A crook accidentally misplaced,
his gun in the joint that he cased.
And missing his pistol,
could not pinch the crystal,
and so he was plainly disgraced.
My twin aunts named Mary and Pat.
One was thin and the other was fat.
With their wavy brown hair,
they made quite a pair,
but a very strange sight to look at.
At the nudist camp, manager Fred
Warned, “When walking, please carefully tread.
They are making repairs
On the sidewalk and stairs.”
“Please bare with us,” construction sign read.
In jail it’s a known rule of thumb
You must never rat on a chum
But, there’s innocence stolen
And damage to colon
By hiding his drugs up your bum
Time and fashion, the beautician’s friends,
Hold the whip hand, dictating the trends.
Every woman they scare
Into lifetime repair,
Becomes blind to the money she spends.
Theft?
There is none like the tax man, who scares
Working folk through to billionaires.
Since the day some bright prick,
By a very neat trick,
Combined ‘The I.R.S.’ and made ‘Theirs’.
The Chicago Exchange needs repairs
Seems that something is wrong with the chairs
They go up. They go down.
Then go spinning around
From watching the Bulls and the Bears.
I’m feelin’ just really so crappy
This thief came and made it so snappy
Had a sure-fire plan
Stole my Prozac and RAN!
Oh well, then, I hope that he’s happy.
The thief came; the teller was bawling
Then all of a sudden, was stalling
She read his damn note
And then started to gloat:
“Your grammar is simply appalling!”
We represent, “Steal Your Goods Geeks”
And we use all the latest techniques
Jim asked, “Is all clear?”
I replied, “Have no fear”
Facebook Status said, “Gone for two weeks”
Mad: 2 limericks up: line 5 reads:
‘”Your grammar is really appalling”
Could you change it to “Your grammar is simply appalling”
Thank You..Lisi
*****
Done.
Better I think.
There is none like the tax man, who scares
Working folk through to billionaires.
Since the day some bright prick,
By a very neat trick,
Ruled that ‘The I.R.S.’ now means ‘Theirs’.
Or…
There is none like the tax man, who scares
Working folk through to billionaires.
Since the day some bright prick,
By a very neat trick,
Ruled that ‘The I.R.S.’ should read, ‘Theirs’.
And, NO!, it’s not autobiographical – not so far, anyway.
When hemmed in on all sides by despairs,
Seeking succour, one quickly repairs,
To that den of delights,
Where a floozy in tights
Provides answers to all of one’s prayers.
To a Cockney, they’re ‘Apples and Pears’.
And a tumble means months of repairs.
Usual cause? Brahms and Liszt –
Which, in Cockney, means ‘pissed’ –
Which, in turn, will mean, ‘caught unawares’.
This part of town’s gettin’ real tough
And frankly, I’ve had just enough!
So I put out a rug
That says, “Listen thug:
Rob the neighbor’s. They have better stuff”
Jane reminds me of some of those bears
Cause she needs to remove all those hairs!
Her nose is too big
And she looks like a pig
(It’s a face that’s beyond all repairs)
Fits Fit Trump to a T ~
In this vicious world not much compares
to when President T puts on airs.
His grievances grievous
are so unbelievous
yet minions get caught in his snares.
I just love how my mother prepares
The turkey; this woman sure cares!
She stuffs it with kraut
Which gets everyone out
In one minute, right down all the stairs.
A nation in need of repairs
was caught on Sunday unawares.
Now some cry, “Who the slob
that said ‘Tear gas the mob!'”
while the rest dine on nachos and tears.
The sign said, “I Do Shoe Repairs”
“Turn left, then go walk up the stairs”
“For you I will DYE”
“HEEL your SOLE (So don’t cry)
“In one week, you will just have no cares”
It has penguins and camels and bears
Every creature alive, and in pairs
They’re all there in the park
On a ludicrous ark
Which is meant to instruct, but it scares.
Who stole the election?
I wonder why so many votes
Went for whom 45 dotes
Oh say, could it be
Some guys would, for a fee
Carry ballots away in their coats?
Ricky’s wallet the missus did steal.
R. Ricardo then made this appeal:
“That’s a bad thing to do.
I am nervous ’cause you
Picked a bad time to thieve me, Lucille.”
At “Home Center” salesman just stares
Makes believe he is caught unawares
Pretends that he knows
Just how everything “goes”
Place is closed now for “bonehead repairs”
Improvement on a previous limerick:
This part of town’s ‘gettin real tough
And frankly, I’ve had just enough!
So I put out a rug
That says, “Hey You Thug!”
Rob the neighbors. They have better stuff.”
A boy, an unlikable geek,
Stole some candy, an act of pure pique.
He got busted. His dad
Whupped his ass pretty bad.
(I could hardly sit down for a week.)
The mechanic who lives up the stairs
Claims my car needed many repairs
Said “doodad’s not workin”
And”gismo” is jerkin”
(He’s really precise and he cares)
“A Lesson In Falling Down Stairs”:
(After which they might need some repairs)
STEP 1 Then STEP 2
Count more; you’re not through
STEP 10 It’s now time for your swears.
I fell from the top of the stairs,
And my body’s in need of repairs.
But I still found the time
To come up with this rhyme.
Now let’s see if Mad Kane really cares.
(NOTE: This is fiction)
He copied and pasted he text
To submit to the Prof as his next
Class writing assignment.
But each stolen line meant
His teacher was thoroughly vexed.
A trip to the “dark side”
“Doctor Ruth” is a user who dares,
Writing Facebook advice that she shares:
“Don’t just rub it or shake it.
It’s more fun to ‘make it.’
Yes, sex is far better in pairs.”
Better limerick,with the change of first word.”Lessons” to Instructions”
Instructions to fall down the stairs:
(After which they might need some repairs)
Step 1 Then Step 2
Count more; you’re not through
Step 10, it’s now time for your swears.
“Learning English”
We live in a wonderful nation
Where words are the best education
If a guy robs one buck
He is sure out of luck
But much more is known as “taxation”
My “hubby” and I were just walking
(Then sat for a while, started talking)
Noticed corn on the cob
We decided to rob
And then were arrested for stalking.
Another Attempt at “Learning English Theft”
We live in a very weird nation
Where “words” are a strange education
If a guy robs one buck
He is sure out of luck
But stealing one billion’s “Taxation”
This may be TMI*, but who cares:
We old dames have a problem with hairs —
On our head, they’re too thin,
But the ones on our chin
Grow in groups by far larger than pairs.
* Too much information.
To fully appreciate this, you need to see the Facebook conversation on the topic.
Mad sees Dr. Ruth and compares
Their statures, while everyone stares.
Two diminutive gals
Could become lifelong pals
Standing tall as they climb up on chairs.
When your car’s in need of repairs
Nobody else ever cares
Til you block the road
And need to be towed
And then you get warm loving stares.
What’s important to Trump is the deal,
And it’s fine if you lie, cheat or steal.
It would really be nice
If his theft had a price –
Let’s say “20 to life,” no appeal.
Taking without owners consent (TWOC) is what joy riders are charged with in the UK
Car doors are there for unlocking
In my youth my behaviour was shocking
Are there things I have missed?
What’s top of my list?
I think I’d have to tick twocking
Our household’s religious and cares
About all the food Mom prepares
But my sister confessed
Though the “roast beef was best”
The spinach was “not in her prayers”
There’s this lady who caters affairs
And you’ll love all the things she prepares:
Gourmet cheese, splendid wine
It’s just always divine
And a plan to escape down the stairs.
For virtue, no other compares
And what triggers her 1000 yard stares
When you move into cuddle
Be prepared for a struggle
She won’t let you touch her downstairs
His PR team frankly despairs.
High-brow and unkempt—think he cares?
He will quote stuff from Horace
Eccentric, blond Boris!
Post-Brexit to run our affairs?
I’m not one for putting on airs,
But I do know my onions and pears.
The first make me cry
But the second are why
I’ll get plenty of likes and/or shares.
“Theft”
A gal rang the bell, (kinda’ sweet)
She was “working out” stuff on a sheet
Asked about my “IP”
And I answered with glee!
“My provider lives right on this street”
When Prometheus stole fire from Zeus
So that man could then cook his goose
The God’s reward makes you shiver
A bird ate his liver
Clearly, religious abuse
Another try for better scan
When Prometheus stole fire from Zeus
So that man could then cook his goose
The God ‘s revenge made him shiver
A bird kept eating his liver
So clearly, religious abuse
If your clothing’s feeling a bit drab
Why not try taking a stab
By Indulging your passion
And stealing some fashion
Just try the old smash and grab
When the Good Lord was handing out legs,
I was sure that I heard Him say ‘kegs.”
I asked for a pig pair
and now people just stare,
at the sizes of my weird looking pegs.
Theft Theme
My father was noted for thieving,
random folks he was often relieving.
He hit on a jeweler
landed right in the cooler,
and left my poor mother home grieving.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 311. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Core.