Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BILL at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using BILL at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to BEAUTY, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best BEAUTY-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on May 13, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, May 12, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
“Trust me, ev’rything’s fine, so just chill,
Because when there’s a way, there’s a will.”
“But you’ve got them reversed;
The ‘will’ thing comes first.”
“See? Already I’ve helped! Here’s my bill.”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Advice Limerick, Annoying Advice, Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Money Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
It isn’t an absence of will
That makes pelicans gorge till they’re ill:
They acquired great fame
In the fish-catching game,
And they have to keep filling the bill.
I’m wondering just what they think —
Those people who preen, primp and prink,
Who make it their duty
To spend cash on beauty,
Ignoring the fact that they stink.
RIP, Bill Dorough ~
The title is “I’m Just a Bill,”
More famous than “Blueberry Hill.”
He wrote lessons for us—
Complex concepts, no fuss.
And yes, Bob, your songs are a thrill!
The dentist defended his skill
As each pretty young mouth he would drill.
“There’s nothing immoral –
Ain’t sex if it’s oral!”
I’m told that his first name was Bill.
When JACK and Jill SCHLEPPED up that HILL
They AL ways turned LEFT to meet BILL
After TUM bling way DOWN
They PRANCED all a ROUND
Cause BILL had one COOL Moonshine STILL
I was ANG ry at DEAR hubby BILL
Cause he’d AL ways meet JOAN up the “HILL”
He would GIVE her some LOOT
For his SHA dy pur SUIT
But for ME, wouldn ‘t SHARE that cool PILL
Mad: My computer divided the word “pursuit” on two lines
(four and five) I have no idea why !!
Could you please pur “SUIT” on line four, so it will be ONE word?
(above limerick)
Thank You
Lisi
At the END of the DAY we’d all “CHILL”
Cause we ALL simply LOVED our “friend BILL”
A STAR so u NIQUE
We LAUGHED till felt WEAK
Who KNEW he had ONE more great SKILL?
***
Done.
This ACT ress is REAL ly a BEAU ty
Some EV en might SAY quite a CUT ie
But it’s SURE ly a FACT
That in MAN ners she’s LACKED
Be CAUSE she is JUST so damn SNOO ty
(Kramer vs. snooty)
Oh yes, you will quite fill the bill,
I admire your style and great skill.
I am truly possessed,
Now who would have guessed
That a novel would give such a thrill.
All that Botox just went to her head,
No wrinkles, no emotions, looked dead.
Huge implants in her breasts,
It’s beauty, she protests!
He got a blow-up f–k doll instead.
’E got wedded fer love, did our Bill,
To a lass who were licenced t’ thrill.
But it weren’t their relations
Brought on palpitations;
It were gettin’ the bill med ‘im ill.
As I’m posting on an American blog site, it might be worth mentioning that I am attempting to reproduce a Yorkshire accent in this limerick . If you aren’t familiar with that part of the world, the film, ‘Brassed Off’, will give you a very thorough grounding. Alternatively, you might prefer the TV series, ‘Last of the Summer Wine’. Or ‘Wallace and Grommitt’, perhaps. LOL
MY KIND OF TOWN
Come VIS it our BEAU tiful CI ty
Down TOWN is a MAZ ingly PRET ty
We THANK Frank Lloyd WRIGHT
For this BREATH taking SIGHT
But the TRAINS in Chic A go are SHIT ty
SAME IDEA; ANOTHER VERSION
At the END of the DAY we’d all CHILL
On t V, there was NO one like BILL
A STAR so u NIQUE
We LAUGHED till felt WEAK
Who KNEW he had ONE more great SKILL?
I’m so PROUD of my NEW student, BILL
He’s de TER mined to LEARN a new SKILL
He’s PRAC ticing SPEECH
And he SAID, “Thank you, “TEACH”
“Your CLASS has been JUST a big TRILL”
My BLIND date was SUCH a real CUT ie
And BOY, we’d have FUN doing BOOT y
He asked, “WHAT are you LIKE?”
I re PLIED, “Darling, MIKE,
I’m WHAT you would CALL a real BEAUTY”
(actually true; get it?)
There once was a POTUS named Bill
Who could never say no to a thrill.
In his office one day
With Lewinsky he’d play.
Don’t know how he explained it to Hil.
Gee, it’s FUN to be DAT ing “My BILL”
We GO to a PUB, which is CALLED, “Road Kill”
Then be FORE it is LIGHT
We WATCH raccoons FIGHT
And I MUST say, it’s BEEN quite a THRILL
Oh, those contests! The Donald would feast
With his lecherous hands (at the least)
On each startled young cutie;
Each barely-clad beauty
Was grabbed by a waddling beast.
The builders had worked with a will;
The President’s wall took great skill.
But when they got paid,
The men were dismayed –
Each note was a three-dollar bill.
They laugh at his ghastly bow tie;
“It’s appallingly ugly!” they cry.
But the dandy persists;
“Bow tie”, he insists,
“Is in the beholder’s own eye.”
The SKY is a MAR velous BLUE
The FLOW ers show DROP lets of DEW
If you SAY a sweet PRAYER
You’ll see BEAU ty so CLEAR
Ex CEPT for the CRAP near your SHOE
As our FOR mer Com MAN der In CHIEF
He was CHALL enged with SOR row and GRIEF
But one THING about BILL
He GAVE us our FILL
Of UTT erly COM ic re LIEF
In the FIF ties, my FATH er, (named BILL)
Got a GREAT- looking CAD dy De VILLE
As FAN cy cars GO
It was REAL ly a SHOW
He STOLE it from CE cil De MILLE
What’s this CRAP about” BEAU ty skin DEEP?”
Who SAID that? some REAL weirdo CREEP?
Only SU perman SEES
What’s be YOND your cute KNEES
So ig NORE those damn GUYS who can LEAP
He filled her and more, gill to gill
She dribbled and choked on his spill
He passed out like fizz
This dame was a whizz
Achieving The kill with old Bill
“Dad, you just can’t imagine the thrill
When you ride with ‘no hands’ down the hill –”
“And you tell me this why?”
Son replied with a sigh,
“You’ll find out when they send you the bill.”
When she says “Does my backside look fat?”
Or “Do I look too old for this hat?”
You have only one choice:
In a confident voice,
Say “You’re lovely! Don’t worry ’bout that.”
Said the Donald, “That girl was a beaut!
A Russian musician, so cute.
Though she played the viola,
Some good ol’ payola
Soon taught her to blow on my flute.”
“The EPA’s job”, said Scott Pruitt,
“Is destroying our land – gotta do it.
There’s no profit in beauty,
And profit’s my duty.
You don’t like pollution? Well, screw it!”
an attempt at acrostic inspired by Konrad’s wonderful limerick
(actually I didn’t even know what it meant; I had to look it up!!
“BEAUTY”
A GIRL who was CUTE as can BE
Goes to DOC tors all WEEK (times three)
In the MIR ror I SEE
Not the GAL who was ME
God KNOWS that, and WON’T dis AGREE
(A-G-I-N-G
My night as Macbeth was a chill,
And the audience booed fit to kill.
“The author!” they cried.
Someone said, “But he died!”
What! Shakespeare is dead? Poor old Bill!
(This is based on an old English music-hall piece that may amuse you, as it does me:
Monologue)
FIXING A “TOO MANY SYLLABLES “LIMERICK
Gee, it’s FUN to be DAT ing “My BILL”
We GO for some GRUB at “Road KILL”
Then be FORE it is LIGHT
We WATCH raccoons FIGHT
This GUY gives me SUCH a great THRILL
A horny young dentist named Gill
Had urges he needed to fill.
Not taking a chance
On some office romance,
He went where for filling, they bill.
Being BEAUT iful IS a hard TEST
BeCAUSE you out SHINE all the REST
Yet SOME think you’re DENSE
(You JUST have no SENSE)
And for MEN, Dear, it’s ALL in the BREAST
The people are sending a bill
To the big man on top of the Hill.
Red headed, no beauty
Or concept of duty:
He won’t pay, so don’t hope he will.
Yvonne went prepared for it all:
Whip, stilettos, red lips, six feet tall.
Clients gasped at her skill,
Meekly paying the bill
On those evenings when she was on call.
Warming His Cock-les
A male fantasy, something like this
In a warped definition of bliss:
Nude blonde begs for refill
From big Hairy-Dicked Bill,
She’s not done yet with taking the *iss.
Anna HAS a real BEAU tiful FACE
But she LACKS style and GEN uine GRACE
She MUST sit up STRAIGHT
And lose SOME of that WEIGHT
To be PRIMED for some SA tin and LACE
Mama WROTE a real PRAC tical WILL
But LEFT out her “SON ny boy” BILL
He GAVE her cheap GIFTS
Always SHOPPED at the “THRIFTS”
Now he LIVES at the “CONdo la SWILL”
C-H-A-R-M (another attempt at Acrostic) “BEAUTY”
Charm is NOT a sure PATH to a STAR
Having BEAU ty can GET you so FAR
A GIRL who’s a SNOB
Really CAN be a “BLOB”
Make SURE you’ve a HEART or AU revoir !
The beauty contestants were stuck;
Inside walked a pig-headed schmuck.
As owner, he could;
And some girls who would
Try hockey, if he was the puck.
NOT A DUPLICATE C-H-A-R-M- This is better (beauty)
C harming LU cy thinks SHE’S a big STAR
H aving BEAU ty some TIMES is biz ARRE
A GAL who’s a SNOB
R eal ly CAN be a “BLOB”
M ake your RULE: “be kind”( THEN you’re a STAR)
OOPS ! same word twice!
C harming LU cy thinks SHE’S a big STAR
H aving BEAU ty some TIMES is biz ARRE
A GAL who’s a SNOB
R eal ly CAN be a “BLOB”
M ake your RULE: “be kind” (THEN you’ll go FAR)
Small-town gal was known for her beauty
But more for her sharp tongue. So snooty
She could never be teased,
Was forever displeased:
Snarled at all, you can kiss my (patootie)!
Still, smitten, Bill offered to squire her;
With charm, bucks, he hoped to acquire her.
Long due was her spanking
But she wasn’t thanking
Him. From afar now, he’d admire her.
A year passed. She left for the city
Where life was expensive and gritty…
She sneered at each client
To peel, kneel, keep silent
Then charged for a view of one titty.
Months later, Bill knocked at her door.
She stared: Have you come back for more?
Babe, my rate isn’t cheap,
Clients line up like sheep!
He fanned cash she could find a use for.
Bill then tossed her over his knees
And gave both lush titties a squeeze,
Then spanked, paused: Now count,
And at my order, mount!
…She was finally charmed: Bill, you tease.
(It pleased him to hear her loud pleas.)
What WOULD we have DONE without BILL?
Our NEEDS for good FUN he’d ful FILL
With LAUGH ter ga LORE
We ALL wanted MORE
Now he’s DROWN ing in BUCK ets of SWILL
(Cosby)
The MO del had MAR velous STYLE
And vo LUP tu ous !! BUT all the WHILE
There was SOME thing she LACKED
And I THINK it’s a FACT
She had NO teeth and JUST wouldn’t SMILE
Young beauty’s spouse worked in the city
Long hours. She claimed in self-pity:
I once felt adored,
Now neglected and bored!
You were so attentive and witty.
He rubbed tired eyes, gave a snort
And replied with a bitter retort:
No kids, I support you,
Demand I escort you
To social events where it’s sport
To spend money like there’s no tomorrow!
That’s stopping: I won’t have us borrow,
We just can’t compete
With your “friends.” Have a seat,
Let’s discuss what we already owe.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Mates’ goals and needs often collide
But don’t let gaps between you grow wide.
Work to find each good fix
And as on the clock ticks,
Years from now you might be side by side.
“Oh NO !! you have TAK en my PILL !!
It’s for ME Dear, not YOU Darling, BILL”
The VE ry next DAY
He SEEMED rather GAY
Then he GOT a bad MEN opause “CHILL”
Mad:
Perhaps remove those quotations from the word, GAY I don’t want to
offend anyone.
line four: He SEEMED rather GAY
Thank you
Lisi
*****
Done.
ANOTHER VERSION:
“Oh NO ! you have TAK en my PILL !
It’s for ME, Dear, not YOU, Darling BILL”
He ASKED for a SWEATER
I SHOULD have know BET ter
Cause he GOT a bad MEN opause “CHILL”
Someone snorted cocaine for a thrill,
And left snot on this ten dollar bill.
I’m imploring you, honey
Please launder the money.
(Scrub it well, ‘cause I’m feeling quite ill!)
The Orange One still dreams of a Wall
Grandiloquent, sprawling, and tall.
He vows it’ll be “beautiful.”
But, Congress? Not dutiful.
As of yet, they are not in his thrall.
I was WON’dring a BOUT Joe Mc GILL
Some one TOLD me that HE was quite ILL
Bob SAID, “he’s o KAY
Thinks he’s GOR don Mac RAE
We all LOVE when he SINGS “My Boy BILL”
(America the Beautiful)
Is THIS a great PLACE Papa BILL?
Listen, SON; I will GIVE you a THRILL:
“The MOUN tains are GRAND
In this BEAU tiful LAND
There’s real CRAP, too on CAP itol HILL”
BILL HALEY AND THE COMETS (for us oldies but goodies)
In the FIF ties we ALL danced to BILL
So CRA zy, we MADE ourselves ILL !
We STILL do the BOO gie
Even GET down and WOOG ie
Then rush HOME cause we NEED that damn PILL
In the SIX ties, the GALS just loved BILL
Not for RO mance:( a NEED to ful FILL)
Our BIG gest de SI re
For FAN cy a TTI re
All the GIRLS had to DRESS just to “KILL”
(Bill Blass)
NOT A DUPLICATE
What’s this CRAP about BEAU ty skin DEEP?
Who SAID that? some REAL weirdo CREEP?
Only SUP erman SEES
What’s be HIND your cute KNEES
So ig NORE all those GUYS who can “LEAP”
In Moscow, expecting a ‘jill’,
Donald opened the door with a thrill,
But in stepped a crane.
“I thought they said Jane!”
He exclaimed as the crane shoved her bill …
No beauty, alas, was the hooker;
Ten dollars, and far from a looker.
But Donald was broke
And he needed a poke,
So he robbed his wife’s handbag to book her.
My ENG lish in STRU tor’s real DENSE
And I FEEL that she DOESN’t have SENSE
She SAID she’s a BEAU ty
I’d SAY she’s real FRUI ty
Her STATE ment is REAL ly past TENSE
She hooked on the side in the alley,
In fishnets and leather she’d dally.
A beauty? Perhaps,
Her teeth ground down ‘neath caps
But great legs, eyes…meet Chevrolet Sally.
Well known back in high school as master
Of the T-bone collision disaster,
She’d got her guy ready
Then was giving him head – he
Looked up, whoops: crashed into the Pastor
(The next night, they went even faster).
For decades O’Reilly’s big thrill
Was harassing the ladies, until
Fox News figured it out.
Then they booted the lout.
‘Twas one hell of an overdue Bill.
There once was a doctor for Trump
who was forced to give info dump.
The doc, still a shill,
asked “Where do I send my bill?”
and then got cut off like a chump.
Don’t THINK we have COV ered each” BILL”
Wait a WEEK or two MORE just un TIL
A NOTH er one’s FOUND
Simply WAIT ing a ROUND
To MAKE some more LAD ies real ILL
Tell me MORE about LIFE Papa BILL
Like “GIRLS”, are they REAL ly a THRILL?
“I’ll TELL you, my SON
After HAV ing just ONE
You’ll KEEP wanting a NOTH er re FILL”
Jobs for GOTti, were NOT such a THRILL
I would GIVE him my US ual “BILL”
“It’s DIF frent, you SEE:
When you “DO” things for ME
You get PAID only AF ter the KILL”
When I MAR ried my SWEET ypie BILL
I did NOT know a BOUT brother, PHIL
Who was AL ways in JAIL
Then GOT out on BAIL
‘Cause he HAD one “cool MUR der like” SKILL
Beauty, aging gracefully
People SAY that I STILL look real GREAT
I E ven found SOME one to DATE !
We HAVE a good TIME
It’s REAL ly sub LIME
Cause we AL ways get HOME before EIGHT
It’s NOT that I REAL ly am RAG ing
Right NOW I am STRONG ly” en GAG ing”
A de BATE about BEAU ty
I still THINK I’m a CUT ie
Who HAP pens to BE “anti- AG ing”
Di AN a cried HARD on my SHOULD er:
“I’m UG ly be CAUSE I’m much OLD er”
(Still a BEAU ty to ME)
I DID n’t a GREE
All I WAN ted to DO was just “HOLD ‘er”
get it?
Giuliani thinks he’s a beauty
His mafia smirk a cutie
He trash talks the law
which sticks in my craw
that relic can kiss my pa-tootie.
With his hand on her shapely young shoulder,
“You’re a beauty!” he breathed – and got bolder.
She snapped “Come no closer” –
And threw her mimosa
Right in the eye of the beholder.
When he asked, “Can’t you muzzle it, Stormy?”
I said, “Maybe — but what’s in it for me?”
Though he did pay the bill,
This new fame’s better still —
And besides, I despise men who bore me.
Ambitious and cunning was Marge;
By the inch, she decided to charge.
Terse remarks on the bill
Would please some, others nil:
Tiny, Small, Medium, (Sch)long, and Large.
The cigar trick had proved a great thrill
It was all going great up until
He came on her dress
A warm sticky mess
But she saved on the dry cleaning bill
NOT A DUPLICATE
Tell me MORE about LIFE, Papa, BILL
Like GIRLS? Are they REAL ly a THRILL?
“My SON, they’re out STAND ing
Then GET quite de MAND ing
After MAR riage, they MIGHT make you ILL”
I think I heard this saying about 40 years ago. I don’t know if I have it
exactly right, so I’ll try to turn it into a limerick
I SPOKE to a GIRL (name of JOAN)
Though EVE ry time Over the PHONE
When I MET this gross CREEP
She claimed, “BEAUT y’s Skin DEEP”
(But UG ly goes RIGHT to the BONE)
aging beauty
I’ts “HEAD Shot Day” (PLEASE stay on TRACK)
There’s NOTH ing that WE seniors LACK !
“Now GIVE us a SMILE
You ALL have great STYLE
And we’ll TAKE all the “PICS” from the BACK”
senior hubby and wife
“Go GET us some ICE cream, Dear, BILL”
“Of COURSE, “Love”, you KNOW that I WILL !”
I KNEW all a LONG
He’d JUST get it WRONG
I asked, “WHERE is my SWEET Kosher DILL?”
(get it?)
..
Using Bill the girls had a thrill
soothing his ills wait for their kill
in a trance he swooned
new balm for his wound
gout they’d called it impotent Bill
..
NOT A DUPLICATE
The MO del had MAR velous STYLE
(And vo LUP tuous!) BUT all the WHLE
There was SOME thing she LACKED
And I KNOW for a FACT
No TEETH caused that CHICK not to SMILE
If YOU’RE on Fox NEWS, I say, “NO”
Do you HAVE your own COM edy SHOW?
If YOUR name is BILL
You MUST get my “GRILL”
If it’s COOL, we can GIVE it a GO
This MAN that I’m DAT ing, named, PHIL
Won’t PART with a ONE dollar BILL
He said, “LET’S have a FLING
And go HEAR birdies SING
Right NOW I just NEED a cheap TRILL”
I QUES tioned my DEAR? hubby BILL
What’s WITH this, “I NEED a good “FILL?”
It’s WAY too bi ZARRE
What’s the NAME of this BAR?”
He SAID it’s “Ye ‘OLE Floozy MILL”
He SAID it’s “Ye ‘OLE Floozy MILL”
Mad: above limerick: floozy should be” Floozy”
with a capital “F”
(if you wouldn’t mind changing it, line five)
Thank you, Lisi
The beauties all race in the mud
To nip Justify in the bud
But here comes his backer’
“This boy is no slacker
That Justify, he ain’t no dud!”
He took me and said “Eat your fill”
So why did I feel urge to kill?
He fled out the back
So here’s the deal, Jack:
“All right, just send him the bill.”
When the Goose and the Gander Both Gaggled ~
I remember when I lost my thrill,
On a burning bush high on a hill.
She mentioned a rag
And she gagged on my flag
Then I gagged when she showed me the bill.
Making-Up Ain’t Hard to Do ~ (my appologies to Neil Sedaka)
Beauty is only skin deep
And sometimes comes off in her sleep.
But that didn’t matter—
The darkness helped flatter
The lady. I came very cheap.
I Ain’t Got no Stinkin’ Woodpecker! ~
The bill of the spoonbill’s a beauty,
And the tucan’s is tutti and frutti,
But my chickadee
Has the cutest, you see,
‘Cause her pecks make my pecker tooty.
Have you TRIED “Sublime BEAU tiful CREAM?”
This FOR mula MAKES every girl GLEAM !
In ONE little DAY
My FLAWS went a WAY
(Oh MY, what a WON derful DREAM !)
CORRECTION
Have you TRIED this new “BEAU tiful CREAM?”
The ONE that makes” EVE ry girl GLEAM?”
In ONE little DAY
My FLAWS went a WAY
(Oh MY, what a WON derful DREAM)
Tell me MORE about TRUMP, Papa BILL
Is his JOB just a REAL ly cool THRILL?
“I’ll TELL you my SON
The PRES ident WON
Cause he’s GOT one slam-BANG lyin’ SKILL”
NOT A DUPLICATE
Tell me MORE about TRUMP, Papa BILL
Is his JOB just a REAL ly cool THRILL?
“I’ll TELL you my SON
The REA son he WON:
That MAN’S got one BIG lyin’ SKILL”
I’m in LOVE with your BEAU tiful FACE
You just THRILL me my DEAR Darling, GRACE
Your EYES shine so BRIGHT
Like a STAR in the NIGHT
Now go WIN that real BIG Preakness RACE
Did you TELL her she’s BEAU tiful, BILL?
She LOOKS like a BUC ket of SWILL !
“I KNOW what I’m DOing
And WHO I’m pur SU ing
(Her DAD dy is WORTH a cool “MIL”)
One word can make a difference. In this case the word is “one” (line five)
Did you SAY that she’s BEAU tiful, BILL?
She LOOKS like a BUC ket of SWILL
“I KNOW what I’m DO ing
And WHO I’m pur SU ing
(Her DAD dy is WORTH one cool “MIL”)
Out On A Limb
Three sheets to the wind at the bar,
Barry squinted to see from afar
When presented the bill.
He succeeded in spill-
Ing his drink: ninety minutes with Char
Cost an arm and a leg! What to do?
Pull a heist? Racked his brain, in a stew.
He could offer, do dishes?
Or sleep with the fishes…
He shuddered. Could call you-know-who
Who’d slip in and then twist the knife
As he pleaded and whined for his life.
You big ass, Char again?
She’d sneer, toss him a ten.
B. bemoaned his sweet-natured Mob wife.
One week later, the widow wore black
But attendees somehow sensed a lack
Of grief. Under cement
With Char, Barry had meant
To jump – said widow’s brothers, in back
(But detectives are giving them flak).
BEAUTY TIPS FOR SENIORS
For a PPLY ing your MAKE -up, ask “FRAN”
This GAL has a WON derful PLAN
Throw your MIRror a WAY
And DO not de LAY
Then go FETCH your OLD frying PAN
We PLANNED a sur PRISE for “Old BILL”
“Let’s ALL try to STAY really STILL”
But BILL never CAME
It was QUITE a damn SHAME
When we FOUND him just O ver the HILL
There’s REAL ly a “BLUE berry HILL”
And THAT’S where I MET handsome BILL
But one TASTE of that FRUIT
Made me GO toot toot TOOT
Good BYE to my TEN second THRILL
With good MAKE-up, do I have a CHANCE
At FIND ing some REAL true ro MANCE?
“What’s REAL ly the TRUTH
Is that DEAR, Darling, RUTH
First you’d HAVE to put HIM in a TRANCE”
“Do these jeans make my ass look big, Bill?”
Asked the wife, in a voice somewhat shrill.
“Not at all,” he replied,
In a tone that seemed snide,
“But you might want to lay off the krill.”
You know my old friends Jack and Jill –
Of libido they can’t get their fill.
I heard Jill last night
as they turned out the light
Saying “This time, you coo and I’ll bill.”
We enjoyed our sorbets and tutti fruttis
and talked about cuties and cooties
and sometimes we gawked
as we walked and we talked
among vistas of beauties and booties
I GAVE my real OLD Coupe De VILLE
To my CHARM ing and SWEET grandson, BILL
Who in ONE complete YEAR
Never PUT it in GEAR
But the MILE age in CREASED with each THRILL
Trump Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire ~
For Mueller, the job’s not a thrill,
Roasting Donad Trump over a grill
Where he’ll face his snipers
And then pay the pipers
Of Congress’ impeachment bill.
My resourceful (though cash-strapped) friend Kim
Likes to phone a rich gent on a whim:
They go out, eat their fill,
Then — when he gets the bill —
She just dashes and leaves it for him!
No, I surely will not drink that “juice,”
Play that “flute,” use that “sauce” for my “goose!”
Yes, I pity poor Bill;
Sure, he’s lonely — but still,
I’m a vegan! Now, what’s your excuse?
GRANDMA’S BEAUTY
Grandma’s HAIR was a BEAU tiful RED
Her LAUGH ter, con TAG ious, just SPREAD
With her OWN sense of STYLE
And that WON derful SMILE
She could NOT hear a WORD that you SAID
I’m going to try something a little different as soon as I get to the right link.
Kay
An Unfittie’s Guide to Adventurous Travel
Okay, off-topic, but…
There is a great poet named Mad
The best mad Mark Kane ever had
She can out-write him
(Not just to spite him)
He’s the best Mark she ever had.
With Donald Trump wanting to kill
That story, he needed the skill
Of this fixer he had
Named Cohen; too bad
That Michael got stuck with the bill…
“Oh Darlin’ You’ve not paid the bill!
In addition “How much?” for the “thrill”??
His reluctant reply
Was please tell me why
I’ve to pay when you’re over the hill????
She said “Well you had a good ride
And you gawked at my ample divide
That should fill the bill
Though “I’m over the hill”
So pay up or they’re after your hide.
So he said “I’m not William or Bill|
Those bastards are in for the kill
When the weather is Sunny
I’ll give you some money
But right now you have emptied the till”
A ravishing lass from Eugene
Knew plenty of fellows who’d preen
Around like a duck;
They were all out of luck
When she married the Homecoming queen.
While Rudy was flapping his yap,
Unloading a bucket of crap,
The boss said “We’ll bill
Him for lodging until
This moron wakes up from his nap.”
My HUB by and SWEET ie pie, CLARK
Made a VE ry con FUS ing re MARK
“Even THOUGH you’re ma TUR ing
I still FIND you al LUR ing
And STUN ning when WE’RE in the DARK”
I MAR ried my “BEAU tiful Dream”
If you SEE her, you CAN’T help but” GLEAM”
Now she’s ON the “t V”
So LOVE ly is SHE
Pro MOT ing a HEM orrhoid CREAM
I SLEEP with my LAB rador, BILL
For ME he’d at TACK, even KILL
He LICKS my big NOSE
And I REAL ly sup POSE
For a SEN ior, it’s JUST the right THRILL
There’s REALly noTHING that I LACK
Yet my FACE has been SHOWing some SLACK
For a NEE ded vaCA tion
And SOME relaxA tion
Beauty LEFT and she AIN’T comin’ BACK
Just an addition to Mikey’s education
Is THIS a great PLACE, Papa BILL?
Listen SON, and I’ll GIVE you a THRILL:
“The SCEN ery’s GRAND
In this MARvelous Land
And there’s BULL shit on CAPitol HILL”
The beauty of Stormy is clear;
Conviction with absence of fear.
With their hush money case,
Take a look at Trump’s face:
In her headlights, the eyes of a deer.
My HAIR has nice LUSter and SHEEN
But I WANTed to LOOK like a QUEEN !
So I WENT to “La BELLE”
Jane SAID, “You look SWELL
Is that WITCH wig for THIS HalloWEEN?”
Beauty themed limerick
Letitia, the loveliest lass
With a glorious bosom and ass
Either coming or going
Her best side is showing
The gander is truly first-class.
Edit of above limerick
Letitia, the loveliest lass
Has glorious bosom and ass
Either coming or going
Her best side is showing
The gander is truly first-class.
updated version
To a movie a young man named Bill
Took a beautiful girl named Jill
Half way through the flick
He pulled out his dick,
Which for him, but not her, was a thrill.
Miss “SEN ior aMERica’s” SOON
I WANT all the JUDges to SWOON
The WINner will BE
(And ALL must aGREE)
The GAL who looks LEAST like a PRUNE
They SAY you’ll have BEAUty in JUNE
If you STARE at a TOtal full MOON
But THEN I got SHOT
By MISter PerrOTT
Thinking I was a HOStile babOON
50 years of marriage
Just WHAT can I SAY about BILL?
My deSIres he STILL does fulFILL
It HARD to beLIEVE
HE can REALly “aCHIEVE”
BeCAUSE of that LITtle blue PILL
Her beauty is known far and wide;
So many have been by her side.
Majestic and tall,
She has welcomed them all;
Our symbol of national pride.
I aPPlied a NEW “beauty MASK”
It was REALly a DIFFicult TASK
When my HUSband came HOME
He SAID “oh morONE!”
Then he WENT on and On….(please don’t ASK)
aging beauty
My EYES have a BEAUtiful TINT
Some SAY a “mysTERious” GLINT
But NOW that I’m AGED
I’m STRONGly outRAGED
All my BOOKS have to BE in large PRINT
Massah Trump ain’t impress’d by Black Beauty;
He sez al’ dark things sh’uld pay duty.
No derby fo’ them!
He’ll haw an’ he’ll hem,
But then he’ll deport ’em, an’ rudely.
Donald Trump will soon send us the bill
For all the Iranians he’ll kill.
As his donors’ gifts mount
So will the death count.
(But Big Oil will profit, so chill!)
Of all of the beauties he dated,
Melania for greatness was fated.
But what price her status?
His sleaze, flab and flatus
Make “First Lady” way overrated.
She USes masCARa and BLUSH
A true BEAUty, but MIKE, please don’t RUSH
Her TONGUE’S kinda WHITE
It’s a REAL nasty SIGHT
Don’t KISS her, she JUST might have THRUSH
now to use “bill”(mommy’s advice)
She USes masCARa and BLUSH
She’s a BEAUty, but PLEASE do not RUSH
I’m aFRAID, my son BILL
She MAY not fulFILL
Your “CanDIDa”might JUST have bad THRUSH
(get it?)
Gorgeous LIZ always GAVE us a THRILL
As an ACTress she HAD a great SKILL
But for TYing the KNOT
She WASn’t so HOT
It seems NO one could QUITE “fit the BILL”
ELIZABETH TAYLOR (better)
Gorgeous “LIZ” always GAVE us a THRILL
(An ACTress who HAD a great SKILL)
As for TYing the KNOT
She WASn’t so HOT
It seems NO one could QUITE “fit the BILL”
We men oftentimes play the fool;
With a good-looking gal, we’re uncool.
If her bod’s made for sin,
All our hormones kick in
And we fumble, we stammer, we drool.
On 5th Ave, with a gun, he could kill.
And his base would blame Hillary, still.
Trump’s affairs and assaults,
they just call minor faults.
Something much worse was done first by Bill.
A girl who starts out as a cutie,
and yearns to become a great beauty,
must read Glamour and Elle,
Vogue and Harper’s as well.
A chore, but it’s really her duty.
For “MISS va va VOOM” compeTITion
They’ve ADDed a BRAND new conDITion
If you JUST have no SENSE
The RULE is now HENCE:
PoliTICians will NOT get adMISSion
“She’s a beaut!” he was pitching, “The best!
So let’s take ‘er out for a test.”
We drove from the lot,
Her transmission was shot;
His “beauty” was then laid to rest.
for us oldies but goodies: N.Y. Yankee, Phil Rizzuto
Holy COW ! There’s my GREAT gran’pa BILL!
“Papa, WHY do those WORDS make you THRILL?”
“Son, BACK in the DAY
Real FAR far aWAY
Was the WORLD’S greatest SHORT stop, called PHIL”
blonde beauties
Were BLONDE film stars REALly that DUMB?
Well, HERE is the ANSwer in SUM:
A great NUMber were SMART
But THOSE who were TART
To their Agents they ALL would sucCUMB
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 297. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off CAN.
In a pretty new dress with a frill
Sue awaited her blind date named Bill
He showed up looking sloppy
In a beat up jalopy,
And from there everything went downhill.
My gift shopping’s just about done
And I have to admit it was fun
Yet I still couldn’t find
A real special kind
Of a better darn wife for my son