Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: INSIST or PERSIST or ASSIST or CYST at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using INSIST or PERSIST or ASSIST or CYST at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to HAIR, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best HAIR-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on March 4, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 3, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
Ev’ry day I succumb to distractions
And lose track of my plans and transactions.
I’ll jot notes, make a list,
But frustrations persist;
For instance, don’t make me do fractions.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Arithmetic, Competition Limerick, Distractions, Fractions, Frustrations, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Math Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
De-Louse That House! ~
Some vermin are cute, like a mouse,
But most we resist, like a louse,
So we must insist
That our Congress de-cyst
The malignancy in our White House.
The lady stepped out of her limo
The doorman quickly doffed his chapeau
He said “Madam, may I assist?”
“No, I’m here for my tryst,”
She said boldly to the majordomo
The man stepped aside
And opened the entry door wide
He said “I insist”
She answered “You do persist!”
And she turned away from her ride.
“Little lady, you’re going to get kissed,”
Leered the man. She laughed, “If you insist —
But each spot your lips touch
On my mouth, cheeks or such
Will be met on your face by my fist.”
“Oh, you think?” And he grabbed her long hair —
And then suddenly flew through the air!
As he crashed to the tiles,
She informed him, all smiles,
“I’m the state judo champion. So there!”
The hair flap was truly a scare:
Trump’s bald as a billiard back there!
The whole nation laughed
At the state of his graft;
Now the man’s wigging out, so beware!
Charles Dickens could never resist
A martini; the yearn would persist.
So the bartender spoke
Seven words as a joke:
“Hey there Charlie, want Olive or Twist?”
She rebuked him, but still he’d persist.
He kept at it, though she would resist.
She’d enough of this creep,
So with one robust sweep,
She smiled sweetly, and gave him her fist.
The guy was as huge as a bear,
So drunk, he slid off the bar chair;
He took a large swig,
Then he grabbed at her wig,
She truly escaped by a hair.
Though his trumped-up successes, he’ll flaunt,
Saying, “Let’s make the deal that YOU want.”
I just can’t trust a guy
With his hair piled up high
In a puffed-up big bulbous bouffant.
Though I wish I could cease and desist,
I’m obsessed with my Things to Do List.
I know it’s neurotic,
But life’s less chaotic
When this habit’s allowed to persist.
I thought that I’d reached for shampoo,
But now the damn comb won’t go through.
Although properly tagged,
The wrong bottle I grabbed.
And that’s why my hair is now goo.
If you fancy a man with hair
Betwixt nose and lips, then beware
A prickly tash
Can give you a rash
If he dares to venture down there.
Said the lady who broke her wrist
“Don’t give up, Dear. you must persist!!
Just keep on trying
No use in crying
And someday, soon, you’ll make my list”
I’m in a state of utter despair
‘Cause I tried to lighten my hair
I tried some bleach
Boy, did I screech
My head is now completely bare
Wishful thinking
The President screams “I insist!
No collusion! No treason! I’m pissed!”
But Mueller just smiles;
He’s completing his files,
And Donald is high on his list.
.
“So waddya think of my hair?”
Said the Donald. She gave him a stare.
“Well, the colour – bright yellow –
Is odd for a fellow,
And most of it just isn’t there.”
Every night I said a prayer
Hoping to never see any gray hair
Then I heard a voice
Saying, You have no choice
MY COMPUTER DIED ON ME !!! SORRY
Every night I said a prayer
Asking to never see any gray hair
Then I heard a voice
Saying, “You have no choice,
I have one ready, it’s already there”
ANOTHER VERSION OF HAIR LIMERICK
Every night I said a prayer
Asking to never see any gray hair
Then I heard a voice
Saying, “You have no choice:
LOOK IN THE MIRROR; it’s already there”
One year later I must insist
that Trump’s pompadour hides a cyst.
In the White House it’s spread.
Where next will it head
if Mueller can’t surgically assist?
There was a young man who’d insist
he could shop without making a list
“for the last seven weeks
I’ve bought nothing but leeks
I don’t care if my girlfriend gets pissed!”
On one thing I insist
For us to coexist
TWO toilets in the house
For me and my spouse
So we won’t be accidentally pissed
When men lose the hair on their crown
There’s still some left all around
Thus they shave their whole head
So now instead,
They won’t look like Bozo The Clown
We’re all in jeopardy, and should know to expect
the reaper’s breath on the backs of our necks
Am I on the list?
It can’t be dismissed:
I’ll take death for a thousand, Trebeck!
There once was a dude from Bellaire
Who rubbed Elmer’s glue in his hair,
When he asked “Am I chic?”
They said “No, you’re a freak!”
Disappointing that dude from Bellaire.
THE PERFECT HOUSEWIFE
“Always make a grocery list”
(That’s what Mama used to insist)
Apples, juice, coffee, bread
Cookies, arsenic, cream cheese spread
I’ll be serving vodka with a twist
DR QUACKBERG SAYS:
Oh my God, look at your cyst !!
I didn’t think one like this could exist
It’s vey rare
There’s none to compare
Darling, by a frog, you’ve been kissed
“Oh, Mike, this restaurant can’t be missed
Filet Mignon and martinis with a twist
Two couples enjoying a meal
What could be more ideal
And, John, you pay the bill; I insist”
HOOKED ON OLD MOVIES
There’s a Hitchcock movie that shouldn’t be missed
You must see it; I insist
The “plan” goes awry
And here is why
The KEY is the KEY in this romantic tryst
The woman’s distraught and is crying.
Her hair has turned gray, so she’s trying
To use Loving Care
To color her hair.
She’ll succeed or at least dye trying.
The Broadway production of “Hair”
Had actors with plenty to share.
No pious injunctions
For wardrobe malfunctions;
Their asses were already bare.
I seem to be losing my hair,
And I just don’t have any to spare:
Though **I** don’t get thinner
On no lunch or dinner,
My hair does — it’s all so unfair!
Some men have a full head of hair
Alas I’ve not got much up there
Though I may lack in locks
All the girls say my cock’s
Compensation beyond compare.
When I noticed Mom’s gray hair
I asked her if she felt despair
She looked at me
And said with glee:
“They’re my silvery strands, with a sexy flair”
My girlfriend felt she was in a rut
So she went and got a bee-hive cut
But when she went down
And went to town
I got a sting right in my nut
HAIR !!!!
He told me that my heart he stole
Then into the bedroom he did stroll
“Is that Trump I see?
You’ve jilted me!!”
“No sweetheart, that’s my childhood troll”
BALDING LAMENT
Did you see the play called “Hair?”
It was here, there, and everywhere
I’m not asking for much
But such as such
Don’t you think they would have had a spare?
i was nearing the end of my rope
Would the government give me some hope?
Their reply left me pissed:
“If these problems persist
They’re built into the system, so cope.”
He looks like a doofus, I swear it
Why on earth would the president wear it?
I am tempted to say
“That is not a toupee
For it looks a lot more like a ferret!”
Crabs are really fun to eat
You wear a bib for this delicious treat
But the kind in your hair
Just love it there
(Thus, very difficult to defeat)
MY LIMERICK VERSION OF THE PLOT OF “THE OTHERS”
In this AMAZING film plot twist
The ghosts of yore try and persist
In revealing to Grace
She must accept her place
As she slowly fades into the mist
I went to the surgeon and showed him my list
Enumerating the bumps I had on my wrist
When I saw the bill
I gave out a loud shrill
“My Dear” said he, “It’s fifty dollars persist”
The Donald had wanted a tryst;
With model-types, he would insist.
Arrangements were made
And attendees were paid;
By then, he was totally pissed.
Tonight just can’t be missed
I’m going to a class that will assist
Limerick-Challenged folks
How to create some five line jokes
I hope I won’t be dismissed
(NOT THAT IT MATTERS (HA HA)
BUTCAN YOU ADD ONE WORD TO PREVIOUS LIMERICK:
to I SURE hope I won’t be dismissed
(Your hubby gave me a limerick lesson)
THIS IS WHAT MARK SAID TO DO: LET’S SEE !!
Tonight cannot surely be missed
(My “class” that will try to assist)
Limerick-Challenged folks
To write five-line jokes
I hope that I won’t be dismissed
(Ignore last request about SURE)
*******
From MBK:
While Mark’s rules help HIM, they can be misleading. Without considering unstressed, versus stressed syllables, which he did not mention to you, they are misleading. (You did the stressed versus unstressed syllables correctly in lines 1, 2 and 5. But not in lines 2 and 3.) Counting the number of syllables in a line isn’t sufficient.
See my longer comment attached to your limerick right above this one.
MARK’S RULES !!!
Each night I say a special prayer
I don’t want to see one gray hair
Then I heard a voice
“Sue, you have no choice !!”
“Look again, it’s already there”
*****
From MBK:
Lisi, please ignore Mark’s meter rules. They help HIM. But without considering unstressed, versus stressed syllables, which he did not mention to you because he wanted to make things simple, they are MISLEADING!
I explain the concept of stressed and unstressed syllables in my article on limerick writing, which is linked in all my contest posts.
Try following this pattern instead, which illustrates stressed and unstressed syllables. (Stressed syllables are in all caps.)
The LIM-er-ick’s ME-ter in SUM:
Is da DUM, da da DUM, da da DUM.
Its MID-dle is TIGH-ter.
The LIM-er-ick WRI-ter
Keeps BEAT like a DI-sci-plined DRUM.
Note that lines 1, 2 and 5 have three stressed syllables, while lines 3 and 4 have just 2 stressed syllables.
Also note that in between the stressed syllables, you always have two unstressed syllables.
There’s one thing that I do insist
VITAL for us to co-exist
TWO toilets for us
No need to discuss
For accidents, we won’t get pissed
OOPS!!!
There’s one thing that I do insist
(VITAL for us to co-exist)
Two toilets at home
There’s no need to roam
For accidents, we won’t get pissed
While Elvis was known for his hair,
His fans were more likely to stare
At the gyrating show
Going on down below;
A pelvis with follicle flair.
My gal said that she’s in a rut
So she got a “bee-hive” hair cut
But when she went down
And moved all around
I noticed a sting on my nut
I went to the “doc” with a list
Showing several bumps on my left wrist
But when I saw the bill
I gave out a loud shrill
It was FIFTY DOLLARS! for each cyst !!!
***
From MBK, Close meter-wise, but note my line 2 and 5 meter changes:
I went to the “doc” with a list
Showing several bumps on my wrist
But when I saw the bill
I gave out a loud shrill
It was FIFTY damn bucks for each cyst !!!
(I eliminated “left” because you had an extra unstressed syllable in line 2. And FIFTY DOLLARS has only one unstressed between FIF and DOL, so I changed it.)
OOPS
PLEASE CHANGE TO:
It was fifty BUCKS TO TREAT EACH CYST
THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR HELP
***
from MBK.
I’m not making that change because it violates the rules requiring 2 unstressed syllables between your stressed syllables. If you read your line aloud, you should see what I mean.
See my comment on the limerick right above this one.
Years ago, when you longed for that tryst,
The woman would often insist
On THREE dates or more
Before you could score,
But today? There’s the ‘Tinder Assist’.
Rapunzel, please let down your hair;
A fellow from Guinness is there.
He’ll measure your tresses
And my simple guess is
The record, with inches to spare.
When men lose their hair on the crown
There’s still some left that is all around
So they shave their whole head
Before they go to bed
Then they won’t look like Bozo The Clown
Maryland crabs are fun to eat
You wear a “bib” for this yummy treat
But the ones in your hair
Just really like it there
Those critters are just hard to defeat !!!
He told me that my heart he stole
Then into my bedroom he did stroll
“Is that Trump there I see?
You’ve surely jilted me !!”
“No, Sweetheart: that’s my childhood TROLL
Always make a grocery list
That’s something that Mama did insist !
Apples, juice, coffee. bread
Arsenic and a cheese spread
Tonight it’s vodka, with a “twist”
ALFRED HITCHCOCK SAYS:”DIAL MAD FOR MURDER” (BE CAREFUL)
A great film that should not be missed
Please go and rent it; I do insist
The weird plan goes awry
And here’s the reason why:
The KEY is the KEY in this tryst
When I noticed Mom’s graying hair
I asked her if she felt great despair
Then she finally said:
“That’s not gray on my head !!
They’re my “silvery strands with a flair”
Said the lady who broke her wrist:
“Don’t give up, my Dear; you must persist
Please continue to try
I don’t want you to cry
And someday you will make my list.”
OOPS !!!
Maryland crabs are fun to eat
You wear a bib for this yummy treat
But the ones in your hair
Really like it down there
And, boy, they are hard to defeat !!
The Kane’s are trying to assist
In teaching limerick “form”; they insist !
The key is the meter
(They couldn’t be sweeter)
But this one sucks, so there’s something I’ve missed
You’re marrying Mike!! I’ll assist.
I’ll find you a dress — can’t be missed
Which will hide that new “bump”
Implanted by Trump
And we’ll tell people it’s just a cyst.
****
I made your change and a couple of others to deal with the unstressed syllable issue we’ve been discussing.
MAD: I MEANT TO SAY “IMPLANTED” BY TRUMP
Can you change it?
****
I made your change and a couple of others to deal with the unstressed syllable issue we’ve been discussing.
“My brother’s disgusting!” she hissed.
“Did you hear what he said? I’m so pissed!
‘If adding E-R
Takes a word twice as far,
Then a sister’s just worse than a cyst’!”
Sue. please allow me to assist
I will show you how to do the twist
Wiggle and dry your back
From a towel on the rack
Now, My Dear, have you gotten the gist?
Being a senior, I must insist
I do NOT NOT NOT want to be kissed !!
I’ve been married five times
I just don’t hear those “chimes”
It’s surely not something that I have missed !!
As the grounds for collusion persist,
Mueller’s efforts cannot be dismissed.
And probing with zeal
Made Flynn and Gates squeal
Like a trip to the proctologist.
The missus rumbled our affair
When she came across a blonde hair
In the marital bed
(The wife’s a red head)
Now it’s curtains for the au pair
I always tried hard to persist
To get a life I felt I have missed
Prince Charming did appear
I’ll tell you this, I swear
At the pond last night, a frog I kissed
NO KISSES FOR ME, THANK YOU
As a senior, I must insist
I do not AT ALL want to be kissed !!
Being married five times
I just don’t hear those “chimes”
If it should happen I won’t be blissed
OOPS!
I always tried hard to persist
To get a life I felt I have missed
Then Prince Charming appeared
I know it sounds weird
But last April, a frog I kissed
OOPS!
I always tried hard to persist
To get a life I felt I have missed
Then Prince Charming appeared
I know it sounds weird
But last April, a frog I kissed
NOT A DUPLICATE
I have always tried hard to persist
To have a life I felt I have missed
Then Prince Charming appeared
And I know it sounds weird
But last April, a frog I kissed
IT WAS NOT MY INTENTION FOR 2 LIMERICKS TO APPEAR, BUT I THINK I
HAVE A QUIRKY COMPUTER SORRY
Some readers will find themselves pissed
When on viewpoints I loudly insist.
‘Twould be better, I say,
To debate, than say “Nay”;
Present FACTS that one cannot resist.
KEY PROBLEM
I gave him a lock of my hair
In hopes that he someday he would care
But I saw him last night
It was quite a sad sight
He gave it to Bob as a SPARE
Trump dismissed with a flick of his wrist
The rumor of yet one more tryst.
His mood turned more sunny
On the subject ” hush money”
When his lawyer said, ” Please, I insist!”
WHAT????
I gave him a lock of my hair
In the hope someday he would care
But I saw him last night
It was quite a sad sight
He was using it to do a repair
Bermuda – the triangle’s name;
Well known for some ships it would claim.
It’s also a phrase
Not in fashion these days;
Brazilian waxing’s to blame.
I’m seventy and won’t be kissed
Don’t come near me; I strongly insist !!
I’ve been married five times
And I don’t hear those “chimes”
If it happens, I will not be BLISSED
NOT A DUPLICATE
NOT A DUPLICATE
I have always strived to persist
To live the life I feel I have missed
Now this may sound quite weird
My Prince Charming appeared
Cause I found a frog who I kissed
NOT A DUPLICATE
I gave him a lock of my hair
In the hopes that some day he would care
But I saw him last night
It was quite a sad sight
He used it to do a repair
NOT A DUPLICATE
Maryland crabs are fun to eat
You wear a bib for this yummy treat
But the ones in your hair
Have a party “down there”
These critters are hard to defeat
NOT A DUPLICATE
The Kane’s are trying to assist
To teach limerick form which they insist
The key is the meter
(They couldn’t be sweeter)
This one sucks, so there’s something I’ve missed
NOT A DUPLICATE
My girlfriend said she’s in a rut
So she went for a bee-hive hair cut
But when she went “down there”
She had quite an affair
Till I found a sting on my nut
NOT A DUPLICATE
When I noticed mom’s graying hair
I asked her if she felt great despair
Then she finally said
“That’s not gray on my head;
They’re silvery strands, with a flair”
NOT A DUPLICATE
Karen, I would like to assist
In teaching you how to do the twist
Just wiggle to and fro
And at last you will know
You’re a great dancer; get the gist?
I think I have ruptured my cyst,
It happened right after I kissed,
A lovely young girl,
Her first name was Pearl –
She banged on my cyst with her fist.
The world has varieties of hair,
Some black and some blue and some fair,
Some hairdos are puffy,
While others are scruffy,
But mine is geometric and square.
The doctor removed a large cyst
That extended from elbow to wrist
Of the star pitcher’s arm,
Who then groused, “Do no harm?
I’ve been put on the disabled list.”
A TWO-FER
The lump was too big to be missed.
‘Neath his scalp was a sebaceous cyst.
He didn’t know where
He’d be parting his hair.
That phrenologist truly was pissed.
When the doc said, “Ovarian cyst,”
She added his name to the list
Of clueless physicians
Who fail in their missions.
She was trans, which he somehow had missed.
Hubby checked out his phone while he pissed,
And — pre-dick-tably — some of it missed.
Now the loo stinks like hell,
But he claims there’s no smell!
Oh, I wish he would cease and desist!
My kitties have something to share,
And they fling it about everywhere.
It’s not poop or pee —
That’s small comfort to me
When my clothes, bed and chair bear their hair.
It’s my last hurrah, I want a tryst !
Something very kinky, I insist
But with osteoporosis
I really couldn’t focus
After two minutes, I broke my wrist
ANOTHER VERSION
For my “last hurrah” I had a tryst
Something I felt I’ve always missed
We really got it on
But then, I yelled, “Oh John
Please, Dear God, WAKE UP, I insist !
Her glances he couldn’t resist;
Advances began to persist.
A magical night;
Then by dawn’s early light,
That 5 o’clock shadow he missed.
In his youth Hal had plenty of hair,
And girls too, though his head now is bare;
For hair once on his head
Cloaks his back now instead,
But girls aren’t fond of seeing it there.
So he waxes his back to escape
Being labeled a big hairy ape
By young things on the beach
Once his, now out of reach;
Summer’s lonely now, out on the Cape.
Before her Brazilian, Miss Claire
Grew a raggedy thicket down there.
Although follicly taxing,
Its waning by waxing
Left Claire’s hairy lair fairly bare.
Corrected L5
When the doc said, “Ovarian cyst,”
She added his name to the list
Of clueless physicians
Who fail in their missions.
She’s trans, which he somehow had missed.
A TWO-FER (corrected L1)
The lump was too big to be missed.
‘Neath his scalp was a sebaceous cyst.
He didn’t know where
He’d be parting his hair.
That phrenologist truly was pissed.
I will continue to persist
In thoughts that cause me to be pissed
At his outrageous sins
And incoherent spins
These frightening words should not be dismissed
With gun violence streets are quite full. It
Would be nice to reduce or to null it.
Since the shootings persist,
It is hard to resist
To assert that there’s no magic bullet.
In the fifties, if your hair was frizzy
It made you go bonkers and dizzy
But now it’s the style
So you can finally smile
And not have to be in a tizzy
REVISION
In the fifties, if your hair was frizzy
You went bonkers and GOT VERY dizzy
But now it’s the style
And at last you can smile
NO MORE GOING into a tizzy
The watchword today is “persist”…
Or maybe the word is “resist”–
As the number one troll
Does his thing, takes his toll,
“Let’s just fight him,” is what I insist.
My hirsute barber , named Drew
Explained, “Your strand count’s so few .
As you master the art
of the extra wide part
You’ll draw arduous women to you!”
A ribald gent liked to insist
He could come with a flick of the wrist.
He flicked when a cop
Made a brief traffic stop
And was slapped with a “cease and desist.”
Things to do; I always persist
In figuring out what I have missed
I must re-do my files
And I’ll walk fifteen miles
Then write on my list, “Check the list”
MY PREVIOUS LIMERICK IS TITLED:
OCD ??? NOT ME !!
BETTER METER
I will continue to persist
In my thoughts that cause me to be pissed
At his outrageous sins
And incoherent spins
Rhetoric, not to be dismissed
I try to take aging with grace
Despite wrinkles and sags in my face.
Things have slowed down a lot.
But there’s one thing that’s not:
That’s my hairline, retreating apace.
My boyfriend’s hair just grows and grows
From his back all the way to his toes
Then he promised to shave
So for him I would crave
But he forgot the hair in his nose
Waxing Eloquent
You long for a thong – it’s a hoot!
Don’t dare if what’s bare is hirsute.
Be steady, no yelp;
As we’re ready to help
Make your heinie so shiny and cute.
Those Florida students are pissed:
By the gun-totin’ fringe they’ve been dissed.
With our gun laws a mess
They’re now calling B.S.
Stay the course, kids: resist and persist!
My friend asked, “Can you tweeze my hair?
It seems to be growing everywhere !
It’s all over my skin
And including my chin
She is now known as “Smokey The Bear”
When my baldness was starting to show
I knew that more hair would not grow
But when my kids were small
They just had a ball
On my head, they would play tic-tac-toe
As I get older, I’ve noticed less hair
On a place where it used to be there
You can probably guess
But I must confess
I just cancelled my tawdry affair
Folks of the world can but stare
At the US President’s hair
“Oh my what a coiff”
Many do scoff
What they think, well he just doesn’t care
Some fellas are joining the dance;
And grabbing a chance to enhance.
An area clean
Offers more to be seen;
Au revoir to the hair in their pants.
I went to the “doc” with a list
Showing several bumps on my wrist
But when I saw the bill
I gave out a loud shrill
It was fifty damn bucks for each cyst
Not a Duplicate
Tonight simply cannot be missed
(My class that will try to assist)
Limerick-Challenged folks
To write five line jokes
I hope that I won’t be dismissed !
His problem: maintaining a calm;
It stems from not heeding the psalm;
The point of despair
Is a small patch of hair
That’s growing right out of his palm.
The doctor’s report on a cyst
Your novel with many a twist
I’m a typist; for work
There’s no content I shirk
After all, to the mill it’s all grist.
The round table game did persist,
Every man held some cards in his fist
With expressionless mien.
I’d have savoured the scene
If how poker was played I had wist.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 293.
Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Port.