Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: RAIL or DERAIL at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using RAIL or DERAIL at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to the WINTER OLYMPICS, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best WINTER OLYMPICS-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on February 18, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, February 17, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
I frequently travel by rail
And would rather ride trains than set sail,
Cuz a train was the place
Where I first saw the face
Of my husband … plus torso and tail.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Boating Humor, Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Marriage Verse, Poetry & Prompts, Sailing Humor, Train Limerick, Train Travel, Travel Humor, Writing Prompts
The Winter Olympics, for Dee,
Aren’t the same as for you or for me.
Though she loves the games so,
To Pyeong-chang she won’t go,
And she won’t watch the sports on TV.
No, not daunted by snow, ice or hail
Or how loudly her husband might rail,
She will run, jump and crawl
And come home with a haul
From the best game: the Groundhog’s Day Sale!
The Right is trying to derail
(But of course it will only fail)
The whole investigation
Of Russian infiltration.
I hope they all go to jail.
Why on earth was the President sent
To the Winter Olympics? This gent,
The obese Donald Trump,
Couldn’t run, ski or jump,
But won gold in the ‘downhill’ event.
“This guy Mueller?” the Donald would rail,
“Believe me, he’s going to fail!”
But despite all his shills
And Monopoly skills,
He still got the card “GO TO JAIL”.
Tainted meat
On a windy day, out for a sail,
The Donald fell over the rail.
Well, the sharks came to sniff,
But they all took one whiff
And then fled from this foul-smelling whale.
“Please don’t rant and rail
For someday you will prevail
Now just go home
And write another poem
Which again will indubitably fail”
It’s sad how a flaw can derail
One’s great plans- oh, what a sad tale!
A pimple on your face;
Feel you’ve fallen from grace.
You look in the mirror and wail.
When deciding I should travel by rail,
AMTRAK’s Acela’s the best without fail.
The bathroom has more space,
The train has faster pace,
Oh yes, the quiet- another detail.
Please forgive me a bit while I rail
‘Bout this nasty new veggie called kale
But I cook mine in oil,
So it takes much less toil
To scrape from the pan to the pail.
Back and forth at each other they’d rail.
Mediation was to no avail.
They were so far apart,
That I knew from the start
That the mime talks were destined to fail.
:
They don’t do “it” while traveling by rail,
Nor on airplanes, nor under a sail.
Says the woman, with woe,
“In and out?… To and fro.
Proper motion gets lost in the male.”
The Winter Olympiad show;
Here’s something you might need to know:
Skiing for gold
Can be bracing and bold,
While curling is numbingly slow.
The ship had just started to sail
When the wind started blowing a gale.
Made the crew feel uneasy,
They began to feel queasy,
Soon they had to lean over the rail.
On a long, boring journey by rail
I got offered a fine piece of tail:
“Could you be the guy
To help miles pass by?”
So of course I replied “You’ve got male!”
On a cross-country journey by rail
Had my world rocked by Sheila and Gail
Now the Mile High Club
Is for amateurs, bub.
It’s the Mile Long Club for THIS male.
Trump likes to rant and to rail
About UrAsia’s uranium sale,
But it’s simply bad acting
In the hope of distracting
His base with another tall tale.
The “City of New Orleans” is a rail
Which leaves from Chicago without fail
The mattress is real lumpy
And the ride is so bumpy
That’s it’s worse than that night you spent in jail
(a voice from the Windy City)
The Olympics are a silly trend
To which no one should attend
When the final vote was cast
Chicago came in last
Care for a sour grape, my friend?
above limerick should read: When the FINAL vote was cast
Mad can you please change it? Thank you
^^^^^
Done.
The Olympics are absolutely sterling!
I was going to participate in hurling
But as hairdressers know
We must put on quite a show
So I changed my event to curling
I scolded my daughter, Gail
Because she looked pathetically pale
While at the mall
She took quite a fall
Because she didn’t hold on to derail
My boss used to rant and rail
His memory will forever prevail
He said I was a slob
At my bookkeeping job
Because I always left a paper trail
Though shaken and still very pale,
Unconsciousness lifted it’s veil,
And as he awoke,
A little voice spoke,
“You shouldn’t pee on the third rail.”
The skaters will glide on the ice,
Routines well-rehearsed and precise,
And we shall embrace,
All the beauty and grace,
Yet, every four years will suffice.
A hungry young hobo named Gail,
Found food when she traveled by rail
“So what if it’s free?”
She said without glee,
“If it’s nothing but crates full of kale.”
The right wing had hoped to derail
The effects of the Trump-Russia tale
But the memo released,
Only increased
The chances Trump’s next term’s in jail.
EXPLANATION OF WINDY CITY LIMERICK
When a vote was cast as to where the Winter Olympics should be held, we
in Chicago were amazed that our city came in LAST !!!
There’s no need to rant and rail—
Trump’s steering; it’s time to bail!
Whether satanic
or merely titanic,
he’s Ahab and we’re his White Whale!
I’m skinny, a virtual rail,
And I tip one-fifteen on the scale.
People say, “You should eat!
Try some wholesome white meat!”
But from chicken and turkey I quail.
While riding on the rail
I met a little snail
His name was S. Cargo
He was going to Fargo
To search for his missing tail
I always took the rail
To meet the perfect male
But just like the rhymes
I’ve entered a thousand times
My trips were to no avail
Allow me a moment to rail:
Doritos is way off the trail.
Launching quieter chips
For the ladies’ sweet lips
Is a sexist, predictable fail.
Lady Doritos
I expect my poetic license will be revoked over this one…
He stood on the deck, at the rail,
Screaming curses at some stupid whale.
Pretty soon, an attack!
And the whale killed the whack.
Who am *I*? You may call me IshMAEL.
Against Trump, I will holler and rail,
Repub policies I will assail.
We must protest, resist,
We can never desist,
There’s so much at stake, we cannot fail.
The treasonous Trump has a tale
Which surely should put him in jail
He’d collude, sure as shootin’
With Vladimir Putin
He should ride out of town on a rail.
The officials won’t cut any slack
If you cheat, you’ll be catching some flack
You’re a dope if you dope
And you haven’t a hope
And your medal? Well, nope, give it back!
Should we travel by road or by rail?
Take the plane, or the bus? Should we sail?
For Elon, there’s no doubt:
he sent his Roadster out,
and Space Teslas are now on presale.
To the “Chief” some of us didn’t hail
We deem him an unworthy male
So crass and so rude
We’re not in the mood
To contemplate paying his bail
To the “Chief some of us didn’t hail
That disagreeable male
We’re seeking in vain
To lessen our pain
And hoping his train will derail
While riding on the luxury rail
I noticed the infamous Dan Quayle
He ordered a potato
But was served a tomato
Because he still hadn’t learned to spail
YEARS OF WATCHING THE OLYMPICS
If you try out for the Olympics, you need to know
Something nasty, but although
Suffice it to say
It’s a sure-fire way
You must let part of your pretty crotch show
Our country was united by rail,
Brought people and delivered the mail,
Built their greatness on immigrant sweat,
Their papers no one bothered to vet,
Remember now their American tale.
With skates or with skis or with sled,
Winter sports make a hole in my head.
The most excellent form
Is to stay where it’s warm
With hot chocolate and early to bed.
I spent forty dollars for the rail
And ten for the coffee, (it was stale)
But it was worth the trip
I did my “happy flip”
‘Cause the socks were fifty cents on sale !!!
Each week she took the rail
To meet her secret male
But it wasn’t meant to be
So eventually she
Came home in this classic film noir tale
(can you guess it?)
Hockey team is quite fit and fettle.
At Olympics, they just won’t settle
For the silver or bronze.
They won’t rest ’til each dons
Highest hockey award: the goaled medal.
YOU EITHER GET THIS OR SAY, “WHAT??”
John Gotti was riding the rail
Till he got caught and sent to jail
He put so many hits
On guys (just the pits)
But Armani posted his bail
I was riding the local rail
When I noticed a handsome male
We went on a spree
Though married was he
(just a minor detail)
(Boy, I’m spending a lot of time on that rail !)
I was riding the Amtrak rail
When I saw this big-nosed male
“It has an advantage” said he
“To a large degree”
“Cause only once a day I inhale”
The Olympic to-do won’t abate;
To the hype, though, I just can’t relate.
They can luge, sled and ski,
But it means naught to me.
When it comes on the telly, I skate.
OR ANOTHER VERSION
I was riding the Amtrak rail
When I noticed a big-nosed male
“It has an advantage”, said he
“For a GUY LIKE ME,
‘Cause only once a day I inhale”
Yes, we’re all getting used to the tale
the Prez thinks he’s so ‘Alpha Male’
But from his tweeting fingers
There’s no doubt that lingers
His crazy train’s gonna derail
.
Run out of town on a rail
Tarred and feathered, by the tail
Shackled hand and foot
Force fed ginger root
Enemy one, there’s no bail
..
Winter Olympics
Allow me a serious doubt
As to what these events are about,
And why players and fans
Take their lives in their hands
Where *I* wouldn’t let a dog out.
An Englishman drinks at the rail.
In Yorkshire it’s beer in a pail.
But now the truth’s out:
An Irishman’s stout
Makes him round, unlike drinking blonde ale.
back on that rail again
I was on the Metra rail
When I met the perfect male
You’ll never hear him whine
His mood is constantly fine
He just keeps on wagging his tail
I must rant and rail
Take me along to another damn sale? !!!
(Don’t tell her I’ll express
When she tries on a dress
I’ll say “You look just like a fat beached whale!”)
REVISION
I HAVE to rant and rail
You’re DRAGGING me to another damn sale?!!!!
(Don’t tell her I’ll express
When she tries on a dress
I’ll say, “You look like a fat beached whale!”)
I took a Long and Winding rail
To a Magical Mystery trail
At Penny Lane
We saw another train
And that, Michelle, is the end of my tale
Here’s a Winter O. sports list for me:
Drinking contests — hot chocolate and tea;
Carpool driving in hail;
Dash through snow for the mail;
Pairs of socks worn at once (I’ve scored three!).
In pursuit of the holiest grail,
Don’t ever let Trumpkin derail
Your quest to have had
Been anointed by Mad
As a lim’rick-off champion–all hail!
When the news of the week is absurd,
And you want to flip POTUS the bird,
Use razor sharp wit
To expose that dumb sh*t.
And you’ll win Mad Kane’s prize (so I’ve heard).
The judge from each country inspects
Every move that the couple selects
For their dance on the ice.
So they heed this advice:
You can win if you simulate sex.
As a “senior” my mind’s getting “stale”
I know someone’s name, but then I fail
To remember the place
Where I’ve seen that face
I didn’t think my train of thought would derail
MAD:
Please change “I didn’t KNOW my train” to I didn’t THINK my train
thank you
^^^^
Done.
He was shabby and thin as a rail;
He was scruffy and windblown and pale —
But alas (what a pain)
The Wiz gave him a brain…
Scarecrow’s now in the White House! All hail!
They do not want mass transit to fail.
In an effort to make it prevail,
Its proponents have tried
Working from the inside.
They are trying to fast track high speed rail.
SYLLABLE CHANGE
As a senior, my mind’s getting stale
I know someone’s name, but then I fail
To remember the place
Where I’ve seen that face
MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT IS ABOUT TO DERAIL
REVISION
As a senior, my mind’s getting stale
I will know some one’s name but then fail
To remember the place
Where I’ve spotted that face
As my train of thought starts to derail
She was climbing the exercise rail
When she felt something hard in her tail.
It was Vlad, her instructor
Who’d climbed up and fucked her,
His favorite way to impale.
Donald’s clutching the solid gold rail
In the bathroom. The pain makes him wail;
He’s straining his ass,
But the motion won’t pass –
Another Republican fail.
Every day she took the rail
To visit her father, (very frail)
But she didn’t mind the train
And never would complain
In this “Rizzoli’s” Christmas tale
(hint: Robert De Niro)
My wife would rant and rail
‘Cause I said her meals tasted stale
So I tried to cook
And it tasted like gook
Never again will I attempt to assail
Jack and Jill took the rail
To fetch some water at the famous Mt. Vail
Jack suddenly fell
(Landed right in the well)
Then Jill plowed head first into the pail
The mockingbird sat on a rail;
Then later, it started to hail.
It’s corny and trite
When I’d much rather write
How Donald Trump wound up in jail.
When hiking, we know of a trail
So steep, they provided a rail.
It’s handy and nice,
Such a thoughtful device
If you hate sliding down on your tail.
Said the Donald, “Them Winter Olympics?
I wonder who Rocket Man Kim picks
To compete at PyongYang?
Believe me, his gang
Will all be sad losers and limp dicks.”
‘OLD GEEZER RIVER
We don’t need to rant and rail
If Donald don’t lift that bail
Or tote that barge
Then by and large
He just might land himself in jail
OOPS !!
There’s no need to rant and rail
If Donald don’t lift that BALE !!
Or tote that barge
‘Cause by and large
He might just land himself in jail
When Eddie “The Eagle” did soar,
From the crowd came a thunderous roar.
His flight would abort
Many meters too short;
The Olympics then showed him the door.
When your date takes you to the famous Brass Rail
Order the garlic chicken; it’s never stale
They make it “just right”
You’ll savor every bite
And for the rest of the evening, don’t exhale
NOT A DUPLICATE
If you dine at the Brass Rail
Order the garlic steak (never stale)
They cook it “just right”
You’ll enjoy every bite
Just remember not to exhale
The hooker did rant and rail
Because her “client” did purposely fail
To pay her that night
Then told her, despite:
“Darling, the check’s in the mail”
NOT A DUPLICATE
The hooker did rant and rail
At a “client” who would purposely fail
To pay her that night
Then told her despite:
“My Dear, the check’s in the mail”
Mad- Please change line 4 in my posting above to read:
“Many meters too short;” for slightly better uh, meter.
Thanks, Dave
*****
Done. :)
That skater could glide on the ice;
Then spin in the air – even thrice!
However, we saw
She had one tiny flaw:
Kneecapping your rival’s not nice.
Once again, I’m on poesy’s trail,
But my tracking, so far, is a fail.
I just can’t get a rhyme
More than half of the time,
And my meter’s run right off the rail.
Time Off for No Behaviour ~
I think I derailed in December,
Or perhaps it was even November.
Thought all seemed to fail,
I won’t rant or rail.
That’s last year–not sure I remember.
We all attempt to “nail”
The prize which tells a tale:
A cute or funny verse
That must be rather terse
This week the word is “rail”
MURDER ON THE LIMERICK EXPRESS
In this haunting epic tale
Which takes place on a rail
Every one’s a killer
It’s really quite a thriller
‘Cause no one goes to jail
THE OLYMPICS TRY OUTS
Trying out for the Olympics? (you must know)
Something nasty, but although,
Suffice it to say
It’s a sure-fire way
Just let part of your pretty crotch show
NOT A DUPLICATE
MURDER ON THE LIMERICK EXPRESS
In this haunting epic tale
Which takes place on a LUXURY rail
Every one’s a killer
It’s QUITE a thriller
Cause no one goes to jail
NOT A DUPLICATE: THE LIMERICK PRIZE
We all attempt to “nail”
The prize which tells a tale:
A cute little verse
That should be terse
And the word of the week is “rail”
The Repubs…how I hope doomed to fail
As they eye the familiar third rail
With their benefits axe–
May their inhuman whacks
And their nonsense become a “no sale”.
Last winter and how it was spent:
The snow always came – never went.
Our shovels we’d fill,
But the driveway was still
A downhill Olympic event.
We took the “maiden” high speed rail
From New York, destined to Vail
But it went too fast
We were all aghast
When we arrived at the Ho Chi Minh Trail
The 2016 campaign did sorrowfully fail
To be vigorous enough to derail
An incompetent choice
With a smarter voice
In hopes that our country will still prevail
OOPS! I MADE A SERIOUS MISTAKE
The 2016 campaign did sorrowfully fail
To be vigorous enough to derail
An incompetent choice
With a CLUELESS voice
We hope that our country will still prevail
Forgive me a bit while I rail
About airport security’s fail.
If I fondled you
Like the TSA do
My behavior would land me in jail!
HOOKER’S LAMENT
The hooker had every right to rail
Because her “client” did purposely fail
To pay her that night
And told her, despite,
“DON’T WORRY, MY DEAR, THE CHECK’S IN THE MAIL”
Now it’s time for me to rail
About an anthem that shouldn’t prevail
I’ve changed the words
To what he deserves
It’s called, “To The Chief We Will Not Hail”
The Winter Olympics are quite a ride
(If you like to slip and slide)
A better choice
For which you’ll rejoice
Are “Mad’s Olympics” (You can stay inside)
Do school shootings already pale
compared to Trump’s constant derail?
already we text:
“Who will Mueller grab next?”
And “When will Melania bail?”
If you think curling’s strange, just you wait.
It’s got brooms, rocks, and ice, but no skate.
To get the rocks twirling,
Best get your brain whirling:
Do the physics of spin, speed, and weight.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 292.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Insist.
Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, the Winter Olympics-Themed Limerick Winner, and to the Honorable Mention winners.