Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PENNED or DEPEND or EXPEND at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using PENNED or DEPEND or EXPEND at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to IMPATIENCE, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best IMPATIENCE-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on February 4, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, February 3, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my “penned” limerick:
“My regrets, but I can not attend,”
Reads each answer, both emailed and penned.
Not one guest for my bash!
So my dream turns to ash.
Will this nightmare of mine never end?
And here’s my impatience-themed limerick:
As I wait and I wait and I wait,
I am thrust beyond merely irate.
what is taking so long?
Did my muse smoke a bong?
Seems a punchline-less lim’rick’s my fate.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Dreams Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Nightmare Humor, Party Humor, Party Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
“He’s a writer,” you say of your… “friend” —
But what has he actually penned?
You clothe him and feed him
And think that you need him.
He’s mooching! Wise up! Make it end!
You buttonhole me in the queue
And boast of the wonders of you —
But frankly, my dear,
I’m in no mood to hear,
For I’m dying to go to the loo.
Since The Donald’s been wearing Depends,
the fun in his pants never ends:
hookers slide down his pole
to his runny a$$hole,
but his mouth is what really offends!
When the temps are so cold they’re off-chart
And I’m late ’cause the damn car won’t start,
And still later — and miffed —
‘Cause my kid needs a lift…
Did you have to pick NOW, kid, to fart?
Trump’s doctor had tried to pretend;
“Heart – sound as a bell”, he had penned,
But omitted, from tact,
“… as a bell that is cracked,
And he’s mentally quite round the bend.”
Said Trump, “Folks, we have to suspend
All your salaries, but I contend
That although it’s a shame,
Obama’s to blame –
It’s always his fault in the end.”
“All that effort I’ve had to expend,”
Said the Donald, “In order to send
This great country to hell!
It’s a shithole, but, well,
I did it for Vlad, a good friend.”
“How much will I need to expend?”
“Well, honey, the price will depend,”
Said the whore. “Does it fit?
Should I swallow or spit?
And above all, please tell me – which end?”
The Donald asked Stormy to bend,
And elevate her ample rear end.
“I’ll be happy to try,”
The actress said with a sigh,
“Once you take off that yellow Depend.”
The voters impatiently wait
For their country again to be great.
But despite what Trump said,
It’s a shithole instead –
If you vote for shit, shit is your fate.
Read a book Chubby Checker had penned,
Recommended to me by a friend.
It’s a mystery, so
I suppose you should know
That the book has a twist at the end.
IMPATIENCE
“All your “fix-ups” have only been gay
Which to some is ideally okay
But you can’t stand to wait
For your next blind date
Stick around, girl: this guy is straight”
YEARS OF LIMERICKS, OY
“You’re too impatient, he said
“Just take your time instead!
Use your brain
Please don’t go insane
And maybe you’ll win when you’re dead”
I’ve learned that I cannot depend
On anyone to comprehend
All the sadness I feel;
It will take time to heal.
They nod but it’s all just pretend.
He eats the McDonald’s junk foods,
Drinks Diet Cokes,, affects his moods.
Where’s the massive heart attack?
Have another French fries snack!
Excite him with with hot porn star nudes.
I’m impatient for winter to end,
So much energy we must expend
Bundled up for the cold.
I’m a sight to behold!
Spend less time outdoors than I intend.
When it comes to poetic ekphrasis,
Your work should be read by the masses.
And let me append
That I fully intend
To attend when you start giving classes.
Hmm…not sure if ‘work’ should be pluralized. ?
***
From MBK I changed it to work.
Fun limerick, but where’s the designated rhyme word? Perhaps change amend to append?
IMPATIENCE
The bimbo is starting to cuss.
“Will this guy ever come? What a wuss!”
Though this sounds rather rude,
No, she’s not being screwed –
She’s just waiting in vain for the bus.
FIFTY SHADES OF LIMERICKS
E.L James painstakingly penned
A book that unfortunately did offend
But we seniors forgot
How to do the trot
So now we know which way to bend
They’re taking their time, and I worry
Whose favor do I have to curry?
I would hate to be late
For my date – I can’t wait!
O God, grant me patience, but hurry!
The Donald can sadly depend
On “No Trumpers” who strongly contend:
He’s a total slob
Who’s not fit for the job
So please let this nightmare end
A gal should always depend
On orgasms that aren’t “pretend”
So find a rich guy
Scream out and cry
And on you he will lavishly spend
MAD PLEASE CHANGE:”THE DONALD CAN ALWAYS DEPEND” TO THE DONALD CAN SADLY DEPEND
THANK YOU
*****
Done.
No matter how much time I expend
To study and comprehend
The word of the week
So I can be unique
I still remain on the losing end
NOT A DUPLICATE
E.L. James painstakingly penned
A book that did SADLY offend
But we seniors forgot
How to do the trot
So now we know which way to bend
BREAKING NEWS FROM AN HOUR AGO:
My state’s Supreme Court did suspend
Congressional lines that offend.
No more thirteen to five.
A fair House will arrive.
Gerrymandering is at an end.
Every two weeks we can depend
On praise for someone who has penned
The perfect rhyme
Which is so sublime
That compared to the others, does transcend
MAD THANK YOU FOR CHANGING MY “THE DONALD ” LIMERICK, HOWEVER THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD READ
The Donald can ALWAYS sadly depend
On “No Trumpers” who strongly contend:
“He’s a total slob
Who’s not fit for the job”
So please let this nightmare QUICKLY end
Mad sorry to bother you, but can you change “On someone who has penned” to someone WHO’S penned
Thank you (2 limericks up)
My wife, Sue said I shouldn’t depend
On sex when she has her friend
She’s been out every night
And comes home when it’s light
This Claire must be quite a godsend
Unfortunately you can always depend
(And you’ve saved a lot so you can spend)
On a sexy dress
Hoping to “impress”
But on prom night you will get your “friend”
So now that I’m older, I tend
To lose my shit, out my rear end
And since there’s a chance
That I’ll poop in my pants
That means on Depends I depend.
If I thought I might want to expend
Tons of cash on a porn star, I’d fend
Off that notion tout de suite.
By my wife I’d get beat,
And on Twitter I’d doubtlessly trend.
Writing a limerick will always depend
On how willing you are to expend
Time to think of a rhyme
Just like this time
But you must go bonkers till the very end
OR ANOTHER VERSION WITH A SLIGHT CHANGE:
Writing a limerick will always depend
On how much time you are willing to SPEND
To think of a rhyme
Just like this time
But you must go bonkers till the very end
Kim Kardashian has aptly penned
A book for which you’ll be willing to spend
A lot of dough
So you’ll be “in the know”
It’s title is “Me And My Rear End”
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR A FORMER SCHOOL TEACHER TO TYPE
“It’s ” WHEN IT SHOULD BE “Its”
(shame on me)
For the mafia doc things are bleak,
And he’s now in a high state of pique.
It’s the local D.A.’s
That have caused this malaise:
They’ve been trying his patients all week.
There once was a poem which I penned
on which it’s humor did depend
on aughties reference
with lame alt-rock preference
and ain’t worth any time you’d expend.
Your problems never seem to end
But on some things you can depend:
A bark and a lick
And a new doggy trick
From your spouse who’s gone off the deep end
In this, the flu season from Hell,
I can’t sleep, sing, stretch, swim, speak or smell —
And I can’t wait till May
Brings a warm, sunny day
When I do all of those and feel well.
If you live a despicable life,
There may be some moments of strife.
Like when Trump’s special friend
Snagged a check that was penned;
We think he’s in dutch with the wife.
This writer had brilliantly penned
Verses which are praised without any end
And you can be sure
That in ‘Ole Baltimore
He’ll be “their poet” no one can transcend
(know who he is?)
You’re so impatient on the grocery queue
Knowing there’s not much you can do
Your ice cream will melt
You’ve spent so much gelt
To make things worse, you have to go to the loo
The silliest word ever penned
Must be (as I see it) “unfriend.”
Real friends won’t be dismissed
Just because you get pissed;
No, indeed — they stay true to the end.
When you’re first married, everything’s fine
You’re in “seventh heaven” It’s just so divine
But then you lose your patience
So you must state with complacence
“My Darling, Dear: the toilet is mine”
He told her he had to expend
Some “quality time” with a friend.
Her answer was snide:
“Were you staying inside,
Then falling asleep in the end?”
T’was a story that went round the bend
Yes, a masterpiece he had penned
First the black cat
Then a vampire bat
We feared it never would end
Trump calls hookers his friends
Will the trashy news never end?
One is a stripper
The next a pee dripper
When will it dry up?
That Depends.
NOT A DUPLICATE (fewer syllables)
When you’re first married, everything’s fine
It’s wonderful and just so divine
But then you lose your patience
So you must state with complacence
“My Darling, the toilet is mine !!
If you throw your dog a stick
Your patience will dwindle real quick
So take heed, my friend
It will NEVER end
Till you want to kill that mutt with a brick
And so now I’m obliged to defend
All the poems I never have penned.
I can’t think of a rhyme
For the rhyme word this time,
So my rhyming is now at an end . . .
You claim you’re a poet who’s penned
Verses so that editors send
You exquisite prizes
In varying sizes
From “Crayola Company, South Bend”
Not a Duplicate
This writer had brilliantly penned
Verses that are praised “with no end”
And you can be sure
That in ‘Ole Baltimore
He’ll be their “poet” no one can transcend
(know who he is?)
“Get going!” he yells at the cars;
“What’s taking so long?” in the bars.
If the future was here,
He’d probably sneer:
“Too slow!” on a shuttle to Mars.
Lately our sex life is “dead”
She just does other things instead
On that damn computer
I’d like to shoot her
While I wait impatiently in our bed
THE ORDER OF WORDS !!
Lately our sex life is “dead”
She just does other things instead
On that damn computer
I’d like to shoot her
While I IMPATIENTLY WAIT in our bed
There’s too much “hype” in being a friend
All that energy you must expend !!
In the giving of gifts
And those innumerable trips
To the airport, that don’t seem to end
I sit here and impatiently wait
To think of a poem which is great
But ’tis like Kismet
My mind cannot visit
A place that just isn’t my fate
BROADWAY SHOW INTERMISSION IMPATIENCE
I was desperate on the bathroom queue
Trying to think of “what to do”
It’s not nice to lie
But I gave it a try
And yelled, “PREGNANT”! ( and got right through)
This tailgater thought he could say:
“Hey buddy, get outta my way!”
My foot disagreed;
An appropriate speed
Is causing him further delay.
As November elections impend,
I impatiently hope to attend
An explosion of fat
As the Donald goes Splat!
And the nightmare will come to an end.
Lemme tell ya, we’re gonna amend
That amendment (the First). We’ll append
That “Free speech is denied
To all those who lied
About Me – all this Fake News must end!”
MY LIMERICK GOT CUT OFF BY HALF !!!!???????
Your problems never seem to end
But on one thing you can always depend
A bark and a lick
And a new doggy trick
From your spouse who’s gone off the deep end
When I feel carefree, I tend to expend
Energy to LAVISHLY spend
On clothes and such
(but a little too much)
It’s not something I would recommend
Mad please change “Energy to go out and spend”
to “Energy to LAVISHLY spend”
Thank You
(previous limerick)
***
Done
IMPATIENCE
I impatiently wait for Mad’s “crown”
If I win it, you won’t see me frown
But I have ONE, you see
Made exclusively for me
‘Cause I’m the biggest JAP in town
Please don’t this great contest suspend!
Your followers dearly depend
On the chance to write verse
(and in some ditties, curse)
Re the sins of that *orange* non-friend.
Couldn’t think of a thing for “penned.”
So I chose this not to attend.
But I wrote this real quickly
‘Cause the contest is “sickly”
Now please get off our rear end.
I hope that I didn’t offend
By the short verse above that I penned
But I find that sometimes
I have no time for rhymes
But the contest is fun. Don’t suspend!
Now that I’m a “senior” I can’t expend
Time to learn the latest trend
I still rely
On days gone by
And remember sweethearts who were the “living end”
IT’S ME AGAIN !!!!!
This week I have penned
A number of limericks no one can transcend
I’m recovering, you see
From a replaced left knee
So I’ve got a hell of a lot of time to spend
Though the sanctions were passed, “I suspend
Them!” said Donald. “Nyet! Vlad is my friend!
Fake news that he owns me!
Fake news that he bones me!”
… While rubbing his painful rear end.
Since we’re metrically picky we tend
To eschew rhymers who might append
Extra beats to the scheme –
A rhythmic bad dream –
So the poem just can’t be stupend. Ous.
ANOTHER TIP FOR THE LADIES (OR GENTS)
You’re so impatient on the bathroom queue
Trying to think of “what to do”
It’s not nice to lie
But give this a try:
Yell, “I’M GONNA VOMIT” and you’ll get right through
Such ditties before bedtime so hastily penned
On nothing more than words depend
A translator colleague made a request
That I do my very level best
To state the diff. between income and expend.
She yearns to be sexy and sly.
A new car ― would that help snag a guy?
I guess that will depend
On the money she’ll spend.
In her Yugo her fail rate is high.
Malingerer, she was my friend
But ill too often she’d pretend
Headache she’d bellyache
Pain in the butt my ache
Saved for other our love expend
.
Oh, it seems he POTUS loves to offend
and his followers love to defend
but whether they bicker
or whether they snicker,
There will be a twittering trend.
Donald Trump, from the tweets that you’ve penned
It’s clear you think Putin’s our friend
When he hacked our election,
He got an erection,
And we all get screwed in the end.
Once on a young man from South Bend
in vain I my love did expend.
As a literary ointment
for romantic disappointment,
full many a limerick I’ve penned.
She can’t wait; her roll’s Aphrodite’s;
The movie is called “Stormy Nighties”.
Her undisclosed lover
Is there under cover,
In plump, hump-a-schlump tighty-whities.
In the Oregon city of Bend,
Most often, you’ll likely expend
Your day out of doors;
No shopping mall floors,
But fine local brew at the end.
They know they can never defend,
So now they will try to upend,
And all we need know,
About the memo,
Is look at by whom it was penned.
impatience;
When Scott got his very first chance,
At more than a little romance,
He undressed his date,
Yet he couldn’t wait,
And made quite a mess in his pants.
Old Omar Khayyam would oft depend
On wine and singers and song sans end
What nonsense, said he,
It’s plain to see
To such depths I would never descend.
Some boomers may need to amend
Their lifestyles in order to fend
Off ailments and ills
With various pills;
On others, they’ll have to Depend.
BFFs since college, at 80:
Annie wrote: “How I miss you, my friend!
But alas, I am still on the mend
And can’t drive — I get dizzy —
And Sonny’s too busy.
It’s hard when you have to depend.”
I’m still driving, retired and free;
I’ll go there, if she can’t come to me!
— Damn, I’m aching to go,
But does anyone know
Where the hell are my purse and my key?
Soon I’m obliged to attend
The nuptials of an old friend
Who was swept off her feet
By a lover so sweet
Who threw her in at the deep end.
A ring in your nose will depend
On a look that’s meant to intend:
If it’s blue, wear a gray shoe
And if gold, choose something bold
Just don’t sneeze ‘comin round the bend
Mad: please change “And if gold WEAR SOMETHING bold
to And if gold, CHOOSE something bold
Thank you
***
Done;
“It’s taking too long” we all say;
“Please hurry” we’ll plead every day.
Believing as one
When it’s over and done,
Bob Mueller will haul him away.
Blindfolded, Greg thought he’d just pinned
The tail on the donkey’s back end.
But he heard a loud cry
And peeked with one eye
It was stuck on the rear of his friend!!!!!
SUPERBOWL !!!!!
I impatiently wait for the name
Of the team we will all acclaim
My wife asked if it’s “right”
To serve chips on this night
When” Micky Mantle reaches fortune and fame”
I think it’s MickEY but you get the idea
SUPERBOWL IMPATIENCE FOR THE LADIES
I’ve made an onion soup dipper
(Our spouses become so damn “chipper”)
But we gals just can’t wait
Till half past eight
So we’ve hired a real cool male stripper
NOT A DUPLICATE
I’ve made an onion soup dipper
For the crowd who gets (so god-damn) “chipper”
But we gals just can’t wait
Till half past eight
So I’VE hired a real cool male stripper
This writer so brilliantly penned
A movie with a memorable end
The acting was great
And definitely first -rate
She traveled a ROAD with many a friend
What movie is this? Who is this writer?
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is… Limerick-Off Award 291. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Rail.