Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: WHINED or WINED or UNWIND at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using WHINED or WINED or UNWIND at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to REVENGE, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best REVENGE-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on November 26, 2017 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, November 25, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
A besotted young man would unwind
With his girlfriend, who wasn’t too kind;
She would tie him up tight,
Then depart for the night.
He was bound to be left in a bind.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bondage Humor, Competition Limerick, Dating Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
The President pouted and pined,
The insults of Kim on his mind.
“I’d roast him like mutton
By pressing this button,
So why won’t they let me?” he whined.
The bimbo, though thoroughly wined,
Was surprised that they hadn’t yet dined.
He said “Ready to eat?
I’ve been saving a treat,
And it’s highly nutritious, you’ll find.”
“Are you dumb?” the Republicans whined,
“Are you out of your liberal mind?
A paedophile, Moore?
All those kids knew the score –
It’s his victims who should be confined!”
The DNA helix, we find,
Is a structure that tends to unwind
In a creature that’s dumb,
Which accounts for the crumb
That is Donald’s neanderthal mind.
In the White House, the scene is grotesque;
There’s a message that’s quite Kafkaesque:
“Out to lunch – must unwind –
Donald Trump”, it is signed.
But he’s sitting right there at his desk.
“This summer-time change is no lark!”,
Moaned the Druids, at work in the dark.
They dreamt of revenge
As they time-changed Stonehenge
By moving the stones round the park.
A blogger, not one of a kind
Did not let the pressure unwind
After six hours straight
it would not abate
Causing mind blowing thrump from behind
He found the cuisine too refined
In the White House. “It’s garbage!” he whined.
“Just gimme a Mac
For a meal or a snack!”
Yes, junk food went well with his mind.
A young man was delighted to find
An exciting new way to unwind.
Had it all well in hand
‘Til one day it was banned.
Mom said “stop it or else you’ll go blind!”
She sobbed and she cried and she whined.
“How can everyone be so unkind?
Their remarks are so crude,
Don’t they know that it’s rude.
To make fun of a lady’s behind?”
A young lady was dined and was wined
By a fellow with lust in his mind.
She had great gratitude
For the guy’s attitude
‘Cause a hard man is so good to find!
There’s so much stress, need to unwind,
Life can be so cruel, so unkind.
Maybe I’m just thin-skinned,
Too easily chagrined.
‘Cause others just don’t seem to mind.
Spent a lot on a gal, dined and wined.
Had a plan up his sleeve, bear in mind.
But foods were all she bit,
Not turned on by his wit.
He left unsatisfied and resigned.
Disappointed, she pouted and whined,
Once more, her enormous genius, declined.
She vowed to keep trying,
Though inwardly, crying,
By her failures, she won’t be defined.
Just give him more cakes, ice cream and fries,
More fast foods for the brat we despise.
How sweet is this revenge
Our Country, avenge!
Feed him Big Macs and hope that he dies.
As Thanksgiving dinner drew nigh,
The turkey was starting to cry.
But revenge would be sweet
When they chewed on her meat –
She had bird flu! The diners would die.
Ooops! ‘Night’ should be ‘nigh’.
***
From MBK: I fixed it.
(Double)
“To take action or not?” Hamlet whined.
“Avenging my Dad would be kind;
There are arguments for,
But against, there are more ….
I simply can’t make up my mind.”
(Revenge)
He was grabbed by a fist hard as steel;
The Donald emitted a squeal
Like a pig at the slaughter.
“Hey, Dad!” said his daughter,
“This grabbing thing – how does it feel?”
(Needless to say, I’m not thinking of any specific person.)
“Paedophiliac incest?” he whined.
“How dare you! It’s true we entwined,
But when ‘push’ comes to ‘shove’,
It’s just fatherly love,
And fully consensual, you’ll find.”
Said Zeus, “I am rather inclined
To think showers of rain unrefined.”
So he changed his disguise;
Leda gasped in surprise –
The swan and the girl were entwined.
“Stranger Things? Not quite 80s,” I whined.
“But those references- you must be blind!”
“Sure, it’s chock-full of glee
from Mad Max to E.T.,
but it’s missing ‘Be Kind, Please Rewind!’”
A woman who’s overly wined,
Is what I’d be lucky to find,
But people cry, shame!
As if we’re to blame,
For civilization declined.
He took me to dinner, wined and dined
Oh what a man (so refined)
Then struck me in the head
Tied my hands to the bed
I’ve never been in such a bind
A little while after I’ve dined,
I do something quite unrefined,
But don’t say I “puked” —
You’ll be sternly rebuked!
I’d prefer you to say I “un-wined”.
When the mayor was hit in the head
By a pie, he was filled with much dread.
No revenge did he seek;
Simply turned other cheek.
“Let’s let pie-gones be pie-gones,” he said.
MY HUBBY AND DIANNA !!
Doctor “G” told Jim “NEVER A TREAT !!”
“Your sugar is high and you’ve swollen feet”
But I caught him with “Di”
Then baked him a pie
Ah! Revenge; ain’t it SWEET?
I never meant to be unkind
Buy my “Baby Doll” continually whined:
“I need Freddy!!
My favorite Teddy”
(She’s thirty years old and out of her mind)
Courtroom judge drives back home. His wife, Kay,
Says to kids, “From your dad, stay away.
He just needs to unwind,
‘Cause we’re likely to find
He is stressed from a long, trying day.”
Some guy in the ’80s designed
A jacket and ski pants combined.
Though perfect for skiing
‘Twas not great for peeing –
“I won’t wear a onesie” I whined.
Whole coffee beans I used to grind,
Delicious if you’re so inclined
But now I buy ground
‘Cos I hated the sound
Of the grinder; it buzzed and it whined.
When a woman is elegantly dined and wined
Her date has other things in mind
So just be ready
To invite Freddie
To explore the wonders of your behind
Although regally housed, wined and dined
On my travels, once home, I do find
That there’s much to be said
For my own cozy bed,
And that home’s the one place I unwind.
“If I don’t learn to unwind,
“I will simply go out of my mind !”
“Hey, stop shakin”
I’LL bring home the bacon!”
But I am Jewish, so I simply declined
Thinking she was about to be wined
And even very possibly dined
She went up to his room
And found out all too soon
The silver cloud with Weinstein was lined
Brazenly pointing his pale microphone
Demanding she audition her poem
Enjoying his power
Over the naive pale young flower
Not knowing she pressed record on her phone
Soon lawyers and detectives were hired
(That’s just how the big man was wired)
To impugn her good name
Was all part of his game
Until he found out he was fired
Not one to take things lying down
(Not even in his massage dressing gown)
He forswore his bad habits
Hopped away like a rabbit
To a clinic way way out of town
CORRECTION
I never meant to be unkind
But my Baby Doll continually whined
“I want my Freddie
He’s my bestest Teddy”
(She’s thirty and out of her mind)
REVENGE: JIM’S ANNUAL BIRTHDAY DINNER
Jim was outrageously bold
Told me I’ve been looking old
“Forgot” to turn on the oven
For my “Ever Lovin”
And presented him with “REVENGE SERVED COLD”
FUNNIER !!!!
“If I don’t learn to unwind,
I will simply go out of my mind:
“Sweetie, stop shakin’
I’ll bring home the bacon”
But I’m KOSHER,so I simply declined
My little brother always whined
Because I called him the “weird kind”
He used to eat bugs
Including filthy slugs
And instead of the fruit, he’d eat the rind
REVENGE
If your boss is very mean
Here’s an idea that’s really keen
Put sugar in his tank
So his car won’t “crank”
Then you’ll feel thrillingly obscene
After we wined and dined
He said he would be “very kind”
One breast was lumpy
The other was bumpy
I said, “That’s the way they were designed”
After we dined and wined
Charlie said he’d be gentle and kind
So I took off my frock
And to his astonishing shock
He noticed I’d been re-assigned
TOO MANY SYLLABLES TRY AGAIN
After we wined and dined
He said he’d be very kind
One breast was lumpy
The other was bumpy
I said, “That’s the way they’re designed”
Mad is slowly losing her mind
For entries are so hard to find
Limericks are neat
Which don’t smell like feet
But I only think of that kind
On Facebook, our Mad Kane has whined
That submissions this week have declined.
So I’ve dashed this one off,
Though it’s hardly enoff
To match the best fruits of my mind.
Mad is slowly losing her mind
For entries are so hard to find
Limericks are neat
That don’t smell like feet
“That’s all I thought of,” I whined
A young man who whined when he wined
Was treated in ways most unkind
“Be quiet! they’d scold him
“Oh, get out!” they told him
So a new place he’d find to unwind.
As usual, I thought I’d unwind
With a whisky or two. But I find
That some visiting bastard
Got thoroughly plastered,
And left not a droplet behind!
In looking for ways to unwind,
A limerick fest comes to mind.
But the others that vie
Make me not want to try
As my talents with them aren’t aligned.
Sometimes when I’m wined and dined
I feel I’m going out of my mind
All I eat are Swedish Fishes
M&M’s and Hershey’s Kisses
I’m just the sweetest girl you’ll ever find
With his crotch rubbing Helen’s behind,
Paris relished their hot bump and grind
But his Trojan attire
Sheathed his virile desire.
“Bareback buggery’s better!” she whined.
(An HBO-inspired themed acrostic)
A two-timing boyfriend she’d rock;
No more would the key fit her lock.
Gave away all those clothes,
Reconfigured his nose;
Yet longed for occasional cock.
Pimp Tanya, her phone having rung,
Assured those credentials she’d sung.
Thirty strokes to unwind;
To make such a great find!
You guessed it – Ray Drecker was “Hung”.
Baked a cake, yes, your favorite kind
Made with rum just to help you unwind.
You know, nothin’ says “lovin”‘
Like fresh from the oven,
But none of that shove-and-push kind!
His date was soon dined and (yes) wined
And in time, he would touch her behind
But she drank too much booze
Then she started to snooze
Hey there, fella, you lose! She declined!
A young man got in a bind
Looking for ways to unwind
Till he found that his thing
Was pretending to be string
The answer he was so glad to find!
A modification of the last line of my posted limerick (my friend said “die” was “mean”. I’m a nice person. LOL
Just give him more cakes, ice cream and fries,
More fast foods for the brat we despise.
How sweet is this revenge
Our Country, avenge!
Feed him Whoppers, that’s what I advise!
Edited-
Give him more cakes, ice cream and fries,
More fast foods for the brat we despise.
How sweet is this revenge
Our Country, avenge!
Feed him Whoppers, that’s what I advise!
A road-rager flashing his light
Flipped them off as he passed on the right.
Moments later they saw
He’d been stopped by the law;
“That’s him” she said. “Thanks and good night.”
“They don’t understand me” he whined;
“I’m perfect – just one of a kind!
We’re going MY way;
I don’t care what they say!”
As the world leaves our country behind.
“Your Honor, my man was a sinner;
I forgave him, though — cooked a great dinner…
I don’t know,” blushed the bride,
“Why he suddenly died;
Please don’t ask me — I’m just a beginner!”
He scratched and he howled and he whined
As she did a full strip, bump and grind.
When she shed the last bits
And revealed quim and tits,
He thought he’d go out of his mind…
On the phone, she revealed to her sister
That her husband had wronged her and dissed her.
“But I used that old spell
That you taught me so well —
Now he’s such a good doggie, my Mister!”
Revenge can be sweet, it is said,
So on finding my best friend in bed
With my wife, arsenic paste
Mixed with sugar for taste,
Then I sprinkled the stuff on his bread.
The Donald has been much maligned;
To say he lacks brains is unkind.
To make them appear,
Shove the key in his ear,
And give the whole thing a good wind.
We always dined and wined
Mother taught us to be very refined
If we used the wrong fork
When eating her pork
We’d get a good smack in the behind
NOT A DUPLICATE
My little brother always whined
Because I called him “Mr Weird Kind”
He used to eat bugs
Including filthy slugs
Instead of the fruit, he’d eat the rind
“Hey buddy, I hope you don’t mind;
Tequila will help her unwind.”
He took that advice
And followed it twice;
In hopes they would end up entwined.
It didn’t go quite as he planned;
With tolerance her upper hand.
Experience won,
He was over and done;
Then she left with some guy in the band.
He took me out (dined and wined)
Those proper “Brits” are just so refined
“Now just take off you jumper
So we can thumper,
That is, my Dear, if you are so inclined”
A NASTIER VERSION OF THE ABOVE
He took me out (dined and wined)
Those proper “Brits” are just so refined
“Now take off your frock
And I’ll show you my cock;
That is, my Dear, if you are so inclined”
MR BILL C
He took out the women (dined and wined)
They couldn’t believe he was so refined
Then he groped them
And passionately stroked them
Later on he was sufficiently maligned
MAD: IF YOU THINK THAT “LATER ON ” HE WAS SUFFICIENTLY MALIGNED WOULD SOUND BETTER THAN “AFTER A WHILE” FOR MY “BILL C” LIMERICK, WOULD YOU PLEASE CHANGE IT? IT’S A ONE SYLLABLE DIFFERENCE THANK YOU
LATER ON, HE WAS SUFFIENTLY MALIGNED ?????
****
From MBK: Changed to “later on.”
The voice was both sultry and kind;
“You’re ready to play.” she divined.
That having been said
With a stroke to the head,
Her bunny would start to unwind.
At the end of the week I unwind
By throwing back scotch till I am blind;
Then I stagger home
A drunken old gnome,
Grateful that my poor wife does not mind!
A Young Man was stabbed in the back
By by a Big Man who wore only black
The Young Man swore vengeance
and souped up his engines
“til the Big Man in black, he came back!
It’s for better times we’ve all pined
And forty-five has just whined
Do it his way!
He, too, wants his day!
But what we are selling is kind.
The Donald has blubbered and whined:
“It’s fake news – there’s nothing to find!
I really can’t see
Why they’re looking at me!”
Perhaps he’s illegally blind.
My blind date was supposedly very kind
“Never pouted, never whined”
But when I saw her head
It looked like an un-made bed
She clearly needed to be redesigned
If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you twice
To me you must always be nice
You made fun of my cooking
And I know you’ve been “booking”
So here, for your eye, is a piece of ice
REVENGE
There was something about John (undefined)
He said ” I have a great way to unwind”
He tied up my feet
Under a bag of concrete
I have to say I was securely entwined
SLIGHT CHANGE TO ABOVE LIMERICK
There was something about John (undefined)
Claimed he had a special way to really unwind
He twisted up my feet
Under a block of concrete
And on that very day I was securely entwined
REVENGE
Most Americans have a very good heart
They elected a man whom they thought was smart
But he fooled us all
Trying to build a wall
So hard-working immigrants may have to depart
A BETTER WORDING OF PREVIOUS LIMERICK
Many diligent Americans have a good heart
They elected a man whom they felt was smart
But he fooled them all
Claiming he’ll build a wall
So hard-working immigrants may have to depart
(REVENGE)
If you think you’re going out of your mind
Here’s a good way for you to unwind
Have a smoke
Or do some dope
Share it with your wife or you’ll be unkind
A butcher once plaintively whined:
“I hate that my job is a grind.
My life’s come a cropper:
I backed into my chopper!”
His work’s got a little behind.
Both sides now:
At the end of the week I unwind
By throwing back scotch till I am blind;
Then I stagger home
A drunken old gnome
Grateful that my poor wife does not mind!
At the end of the week to unwind
While my dull husband drinks himself blind,
I dally in bed
With his best friend Ted,
His love moves drive me out of my mind!
Hamlet’s soliloquy revisited:
“To be or be not?” Hamlet whined,
“Fardels borne and those heartaches unkind
Make bare bodkins a choice
O’er which stalwarts rejoice.
But this thought gives me no peace of mind.”
“I’m anxious to help you unwind.”
She heard as he lowered the blind.
Then unzipped his pants;
“If you want to advance,
Ahead includes getting behind.”
Her answer was less than refined:
“You asshole! I think you’ve divined
That I’m willing to go
Like some back-alley ho;
My lawyer will not be so kind.”
They went to a party last night
And got into a terrible fight.
His unending gaze
At a redhead’s displays
Earned a lap full of Michelob Light.
Mad – in my double posting above, could you change line 1 of the second stanza to read: “Her answer was less than refined:”
Thanks Dave J
*****
From MBK: Done.
The day that my boss pouted and whined
He drove me clearly out of my mind
He told me to “file”
My nails were just VILE
He screamed and yelled and then I resigned
SYLLABLE CORRECTION
The day my boss pouted and whined
He just drove me out of my mind
He told me to “file”
My nails were just VILE
He yelled at me, so I resigned
He filmed their encounter for kicks;
Then secretly posted the pics.
Her father, a pro
With intelligence flow,
Pursued a conviction that sticks.
To those who would purposely shame
For revenge or just playing a game,
Remember this tale;
You could wind up in jail
As well as the Dick Hall of Fame.
I dated a girl who dined and wined
She was heavy-set, but I didn’t mind
When she got out of her chair
She wasn’t aware
That it was stuck to her behind
If they would just give me a sign
Is this truly all by design?
While hating to fret
I’m in so much debt
But I really don’t like to whine
He claimed I was his love for life
He’d free me from all of this strife
He sang me a song
And then did me wrong
I had to resort to my knife
Please correct line 2
“He’d free me from all of this strife”
*****
Done.
“Unhook me,” my wife groaned and then whined
“Big tits suck – Damn, I feel so confined.”
So I reached round her back.
And I freed her huge rack
Which bounced up — Oh my God, am I blind?!!
“Revenge is mine!” saith the Lord
“This karma thing YOU can’t afford.
Since I made ev’ryone,
I should have all the fun
‘Cause in heaven there’s none and I’m bored!”
I once knew a terrible person
His character was a lot worse than
My “Cookies Exlax”
Now he poops to the max
Out of one of his cracks till he’s cursin’.
I vowed that revenge would be mine
(Though nothing as bad as strychnine)
She was moaning and nude
With some well-endowed dude
So I taped them – and now it’s online.
(Two-in-one)
Though they’re criminals, inmates have whined
That they all receive treatment unkind.
Well, those twits have the gall
To bitch; don’t see at all
The main reason they’re being confined!
(Two-in-one again)
If someone should mess with your mind
And make threats of the nastiest kind,
Can’t escape past the border
Just get a court order
Your mini-recorder – unwind!
(I know this one probably won’t count, as I broke a rule on the featured word, but oh well, what the heck)
Piss me off, and you won’t be surviving
‘Cause the karma bus I will be driving
Kinda flat you will be
Won’t be long till you see
All your victims and me be high-fiving!
“Forgive and forget” – words I’ve heard
Like the fragments of somebody’s turd.
Don’t get mad, just get even
It stops you from grievin’
And leaves ’em naïve an’ absurd.
From my long day at work, you will find
My eyes closed, on a couch, to unwind
With a drink in my hand
I can hear a jazz band
Play “Take Five”, just a-soothin’ my mind.
Thanksgiving Dinner, Hour IV:
“I’ve drunk even more than I’ve dined,”
Moaned the mother, her face drawn and lined;
“One more sip, one more bite,
And I’ll throw up all night!”
“What’s that called?” snarked her daughter. “Re-wined?”
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
Yesterday we dined and wined
On turkey and stuffing (of course, combined)
But the pie was yucky
And totally mucky
So unfortunately, we all declined
The neighbour’s dog whimpered and whined
Till it drove me quite out of my mind
To stop it I stoned it
Then shredded and boned it
“A doggy bag? you are so kind”
In Australia we refer to the remainder of a dine out meal presented to yo in a take away container as a doggy bag. Don’t know if the expression is universal.
Our Thanksgiving feast was absurd;
We took our revenge on the bird.
Fred’s MAGA hat showed
What a minefield the road
Is to find one agreeable word.
TOO MANY SYLLABLES IN PREVIOUS ONE
Yesterday we dined and wined
On turkey and stuffing COMBINED
But the pie was yucky
And totally mucky
Unfortunately, we all declined
Turkey at Aunt Helen’s, she whined !
She’s a crazy lady who’s out of her mind
Last year it wobbled
Then it gobbled !
A nice restaurant we should find
A Dry Thanksgiving in Arizona ~
Tonight I dined well, though unwined,
At a great feast where I thought I’d find
Whether food without liquor
Digests any quicker,
Though both are best when they’re combined.
Look at trump and his tenure, you’ll find
He has bitched, he has moaned, he has whined
Spent more time on vacation
Than running his nation
And behaved like a horse’s behind.
Incidentally, that might be the source of that unsightly rug on his head…
There’s no end to the trouble you’re in
If, Mad, you commit this great sin:
Take heed what I say
You WILL rue the day
If you don’t pick my limerick to win.
His lady, who helps him unwind,
Possesses a beautiful mind.
But rather, he toasts
The fact that she boasts
A pair that is one of a kind.
There’s a vengeance scene I like to play back:
Win a lottery, post it, then lay back
As my enemies cringe
And begin to unhinge
While I shop on a binge; it’s called ‘payback’!
There once was a weirdo named Moore
Who cruised high schools and malls. But what for?
Teenage girls! If he knew them,
He wanted to screw them.
With luck, they’ll now even the score.
“Get rid of this guy!” Donald whined,
Afraid of what Mueller may find.
Like a stripper who dances,
He wriggles and prances;
The Donald’s a grump in a bind.
NOT A DUPLICATE
Turkey at Aunt Helen’s, she whined
She’s crazy and out of her mind
Last year it wobbled
And then it gobbled
A nice restaurant we should find
NOT A DUPLICATE
We dated, dined and wined
She was big but I didn’t mind
But she wasn’t aware
When she got up from her chair
That it stuck to her fat behind
BETTER !!(TROUBLE WITH SYLLABLES)
There was something about John (undefined)
He said, “Here’s a good way to unwind”
He tied up my feet
Under a block of concrete
Then I was firmly entwined
REVENGE FOR THE HUSBAND
I’ve told you once; and I’ve told you twice
To me you must be nice
You made fun of my cooking
And I know you’ve been “booking”
So for your eye, here’s a piece of ice
MAD PLEASE CHANGE SO FOR YOU EYE TO SO FOR “YOUR” EYE IN ABOVE LIMERICK THANK YOU
****
Done
not a duplicate
My blind date was said to be kind
“Never pouted, never whined”
But her head
Looked like an un-made bed
She needed to be re-designed
HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH MY SYLLABLE PROBLEM
He took me out, dined and wined
Those “Brits” are so refined
“Now take off your frock
And I’ll show you my cock
If you are so inclined”
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is… Limerick-Off Award 286.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Game.