Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: Hear/Here/Adhere at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using Hear/Here/Adhere at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to Temptation, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best Temptation-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on April 30, 2017, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 29, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
Our boss has been fired. Hear, hear!
And nobody’s shedding a tear.
Seems adhering to rules
Is (to him) just for fools,
So he leered at the wrong lady’s rear.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Workplace & Career Humor, Workplace Limerick, Writing Prompts
Nixon’s lies were all perfectly clear;
Dubya fed all of us a bum steer.
Trump says Russian collusion
Is a fake news illusion.
Can we ever believe what we hear?
It’s been many a dry, thirsty year
Since the doc said to give up the beer.
It takes strict concentration
To resist the temptation,
But I have no choice but to adhere.
Silently the Acorn Fell ~
The wise old man said not a word,
But just sat in the tree, like a bird.
Yet, once tempted, he spoke,
And his words split the oak.
Sad to say, when it fell, no one heard.
For three million bucks he insured her.
To die really soon he preferred her.
Man’s enticed to kill,
But he never will.
Got arrested for a tempted murder.
A Sticky Situation ~
As for rules, he wouldn’t adhere,
So the board members, all in good cheer,
Said again, “One last time–
Take your seat! Be a mime.”
The Gorilla Glue stuck to his rear.
There’s a soft drink that people say stokes them.
Don’t withhold The Real Thing; it provokes them.
You should know that for sure
They are easy to lure.
All it takes is a bottle to Cokes them.
Learily We Rhyme Along ~
Though often we’ll say, “Far and near,”
We don’t use the phrase, “There and here,”
But Limericks are tempted
To be rule-exempted–
The best case in point, Edward Lear.
Bigly Bubbles ~
If you sing this out-loud, you may hear
Barcaroles from your dream’s gondolier,
Or the Lorelei’s song
Whilst your Muse sings along–
That is, if you’ve had enough beer.
“Believe me, I’m really sincere;
The day for some action is here.
Them nukes that we’ve placed
Are just going to waste,
So I’m gonna take out North Korea.”
Alcoholic for many a year,
He had given up drinking, I hear,
In the hope he could choose
A long life over booze,
But he still ended up on the bier.
This clingfilm is useless, I fear.
It will stick to itself, that is clear;
To my fingers it’s glued,
But to plates full of food
The stuff simply will not adhere.
Oscar Wilde, though bent on predation,
Coined many a witty quotation.
As young Bosie he kissed,
He said “I can resist
All the vices, except for temptation.”
[punctuation edit]
Her assets were clearly defined,
And to miss them I’d have to be blind.
“Could I tempt you, my pet?
A night not to forget?”
The Mace was a clue she’d declined.
Ode to World Champion Chicago Cubs:
No more reason to cry in our beer,
Or to keep saying “wait ’til next year.”
We’ve been saying “just wait”
Since nineteen and oh eight,
But at last, next year’s finally here!
A horror is happening here.
To see it, we don’t need a seer.
Trump is a disaster,
A brilliant con master.
A tragedy out of Shakespeare.
She thought of his strong, handsome face,
That hard body she longed to embrace.
Since it was in her mind,
She just grabbed his behind,
And quickly, she cut to the chase.
Said the General, “Come, looky here!
Trump wants this, so all, lend an ear!
We’ve got this huge bomb,
And he has no qualm.
We’ll make their damn land disappear.”
I’ve no morals to which I adhere..
With me, you’ve got nothing to fear.
So yield to temptation,
I’ll bring you elation,
First, “Have some Madiera, m’dear!”
With a wink and a smile, he said “Dear,
Don’t be nervous, come on over here.”
He was one of those guys
Gals avoid if they’re wise,
‘Cause that sweet smile was really a leer.
On a tour of St. Peter’s in Rome,
Van Gogh told the guide in the Dome:
“Roman friend, I can’t hear;
Could you lend me your ear?
I seem to have left mine at home.”
Whilst looking for a rental space clear
I oft asked myself “Could I live here?”
No answer could I hear
So called gazetteer
And pled “Can I place an ad here?”
There’s something I want you to hear.
It’s bad, but please have no fear.
The Russians are coming
It’s completely mind-numbing
And it gives me some fierce diarrhea.
The Arrival
My Alexa is finally here.
She can answer my questions with cheer
And her limericks bite
With a meter that’s tight,
But I use her to order a beer!
Since my brain isn’t frightfully clear
And I listen to less than I hear
And this limerick’s got
Nary reason nor plot,
If I post it will it disappear?
I am tempted to think you are right
Though I know you are not very bright
And you might be as wrong
As your tall tale is long
Which convinced me to stay here tonight.
Hear! Hear! I am here and adhere
to the principle all Trumpites cheer:
Make things great for the white
till old passions ignite
and our ear-to-ear grins disappear!
Like Wilde, I’m beguiled by temptation.
Like Twain, I can’t claim an exemption.
A desirous bust?
What good Christians call “lust”
is my heaven, my bliss, my salvation!
from One-Hundred and One Tales of a Dark, Stormy Knight
I Can’t Hear You Now ~
There once was a dark, stormy Knight,
Who so vowed to adhere to what’s right,
That he cut off his ear
Being tempted to hear
Bawdy tales by the campfire’s light.
He thought he left his whiskey right here
but now it seems to have left him, oh dear
he is really quite cross
to suffer such a loss
now he’ll have to open another one I fear.
Richard’s doctor, quite shocked, said, “Oh, dear!
There’s a burrowing rodent in here!
And to make matters worse,
It won’t move in reverse.
Seems the gerbil is stuck in this Gere.”
Temptation’s out there and in here,
I’m obsessed, my lust won’t disappear.
I’m yearning all day,
In my fantasies, play.
Will I finally yield, it’s not clear.
There once was a guy without peer,
Who drove his gal wild, so I hear.
With his tongue, very skilled,
All her needs were fulfilled.
And I don’t mean he tickled her ear.
A young fella whose last name was Lear
Told his girl what he thought she should hear.
But his words were too bold,
So by her he was told
To go take a walk off a short pier.
I look back with extreme consternation
At this Passover week of temptation:
Not the matza so dry,
But the brei and the fry
Have subjected my weight to inflation!
Oh, darn, Madeleine, please change “great” to “extreme” in the first line of the above? Thanks!
*****
From MBK: Done.
Hear hear, to the rules I adhere
When writing to Madeleine, here,
Her rhymes are all great…
Mine, usually late,
But it’s Monday so I myself cheer!
There once was a poet named Lear
Who invented the verse form used here
In our more modern times
They’d be called lazy rhymes
From that crazy old poet named Lear.
(It drives me up the wall, but if you’re familiar with Edward Lear’s limericks, you’ll see why I did it this way.)
There are places where folks live in fear
If they’re foreign-born, female, or queer,
If they’re overly browned
Or their eyes are not round —
But, of course, that could not happen here.
It’s the end of our freedom I fear
When we protest no one seems to hear.
Can we save what we’ve got
Should we give it a shot
Or just shrug and go drink a cold beer
Now that Bannon is out on his ear,
Trump misses his old puppeteer.
He stumbles and fumbles
And grumbles and mumbles –
His words simply fail to cohere.
(It’s not yet true that Bannon is entirely out, but here’s hoping.)
I have a striking rear
But my breasts are decidedly meer
My date walked out
Because no doubt
The falsies did not adhere
The new field Data Science is here,
It helps model mass outcomes I swear
with advertisements you’ll find
to be craftily designed
to predict your decisions beware
Anticipating decisions is inclined
to be of a marketing mind
but its ‘cuz human nature
and money I’d wager
that leads where not usually aligned
This beef roast I bought from Premier
(I’m told it’s the best around here),
Is stringy and tough,
And I’ve had enough
I think it was just a bum steer
“The casino,” she said, “will be fun;
I could just play one round and be done…”
And she won — thirty grand! —
But lost all, the next hand.
That’s temptation. You can’t stop at “won.”
Said the Hollywood surgeon, “Come here,
And I’ll make all your flaws disappear.
I can tighten your skin,
Fix your nose and your chin,
Tuck that tummy, and bring up the rear.”
I Don’t Get No Respect (Rodney Dangerfield) ~
I am tempted to write The Great Limerick,
A panegyric to me, or a hymnrick,
Except for the fear,
That you peons who hear
Would abase my true paen as dim’rick
Up north in Toronto, I hear,
They’ve invented a drink that brings cheer.
I would totally hail
This brand-new “Fake News Ale”…
But, alas, MBK detests beer.
Go on, leave, get the heck out of here!
Scoot, skedaddle, scram, split, disappear!
Hit the road, get lost, make
Yourself scarce, or else take
A long walk off a short sort of pier!
I’m desperately trying to diet
But forever ‘dying to try it’
When a cream cake cries ‘Eat me!’
Temptation defeats me
What the heck, I just have to buy it
I have a sizable rear
But my boobs are decidedly mear
My date walked out
Because no doubt
The falsies did not adhere
We went to the deli for a schmear
Of lox, bagels, and kosher beer
The waitress was nice
I got an extra slice
She said “Y’all come back, ya hear?”
I love chocolate mousse
Combined with a sugary juice
But I’m as fat
As a white tabby cat
I’ll explode if I don’t reduce !!!!!
Temptation’s a terrible thing
I can’t let that old devil win
Must try harder
To curb my ardour
The trouble I’ve got myself in!
“What’s a lim’rick?” I asked, not quite clear
On the form or its rules. ‘Twould appear
It’s a verse of five lines
Wrought by dark, twisted minds —
Which I gathered by hanging out here.
;)
As I’m writing this limerick verse
I’m aware of this double-edged curse
Since all I can hear
Is the worm in my ear,
Also known as a poet’s vice vers
Mine is here:
Quitting Time – When Dad and Mom must drop the bomb
Thanks for another great prompt!
TEMPTATION
At my reunion I looked for Al
He was my true love and very best pal
His wife named Claire
Gave me a wicked stare
I think I’ll go and chat with Sal
I ate the left over chow mein
And the last piece of ham quiche lorraine
I downed all that shit
Just to make sure that it
Would nevermore tempt me again
She was tempted to deep throat Abdul
And found he was built like a mule
But now she won’t talk
‘Bout the size of his cock –
She always invokes the gag rule
In the “temptation” category. It’s a stretch for the topic, but it’s got great meter!! ;^)
Went to Denver and found I could buy
Marijuana. I gave it a try.
While you might not agree
With pot-smoking decree,
The new sales are incredibly high.
I’ve a terribly strong inclination
To succumb to the slightest temptation.
Whether booty or booze,
I’m too weak to refuse—
I’m a sucker for tantalization!
Fridge failure limerick:
The Press ‘n’ Seal didn’t adhere;
The soup spilled all over; I fear
That it splashed the pressed duck,
And except for “Oh, {fiddlesticks}!,”
I haven’t a thing to add here.
How hard can this be — knit and purl?
I’m tempted to give it a whirl…
But I know I’ll produce
Something fit for a moose,
And not for a human-type girl.
“Set aside your contentiousness, dear.”
“But—” “No buts. I do not want to hear
Your perpetual pleading.
Instead, try conceding;
Don’t fight. I’m your wife—just revere.”
When Athos and Porthos and Aramis
Seek pleasure, they’ll ravish a merry miss.
A good musketeer
To their code must adhere.
If they fail with the ladies, then they’re remiss.
Longful Advantage — A Stretched Limerzine ~
Although body and face were from other beaus,
The language was certainly Cyrano’s,
Which he knew, once she’d hear
She would draw him quite near,
Whence his nose knows the place where it always goes.
A promise that’s made should be clear,
to which one should always adhere.
But I hear the word ‘wall’
and the Mex paying all.
That’s a lie, not a promise, I fear.
“My temptation is chocolate,” said she,
“All the kinds that are not sugar-free.
Be it Hershey’s or Reese’s,
I love them to pieces…
But they — can’t you see? — don’t love me.”
Horton Heard a What? ~
When Horton thought he heard a cheer,
It sounded far off, and not near,
But when he turned around
And sat down on the ground,
He heard “Move over there—Don’t sit Here!”
[based on Horton Hears a Who, Dr. Seuss, August 1954]
Retirement: The Last Resting Place ~
The Great Hope of my anticipation
Is a terminal, finite vacation,
For I’ve worked too long here;
But once death has drawn near,
I’ll be working in Hell’s conflagration.
A healer I saw on TV
Could heal by a simple decree
He’s a man without peer
He would make the blind hear
And would also cause deaf men to see.
He pleaded, “Don’t leave me, I’ll miss you!
I’ll buy you new clothes. Let me kiss you.
A mini? A maxi?
Please, don’t call that taxi!”
She frowned, “You’re just skirting the issue.”
“Now let me be perfectly clear…”
Is something we don’t need to hear.
Like gathering fog,
It’s the start of a slog
Where facts and the truth disappear.
A rancher’s hot daughter from Brewster
Was swayed when a cowboy seduced her.
They rolled in the hay,
Then he went on his way;
The only cock left was a rooster.
Because Adam and Eve had been tempted
Then in Eden their stay was pre-empted
But since neither one had
Known of good or of bad
From their sentence they should be exempted.
A man who desired a cold beer
Yelled “Wife! Quick! Bring it here!”
In the subsequent trial,
Said the judge, with a smile,
“Justifiable homicide, loud and clear!”
It appears that I’ve never eschewed
A temptation to eat any food
So it’s no surprise that
I’ve become so damn fat
I’m a sight for sore eyes in the nude.
THE CHEESE CAKE DILEMMA
There it was on the table
Was I entirely able?
I sprayed it with Raid
I’m on a crusade
So I settled for lox and bagel
I want to — but really, I shouldn’t.
I oughtn’t. Believe me, I wouldn’t.
I mustn’t. I can’t;
No, I certainly shan’t…
(I just did it). How could I? I couldn’t.
“Eat this apple,” encouraged the Snake;
“It’s a boring Commandment to break,
But believe me, my dears —
In a few thousand years,
You’ll be sinning with chocolate cake!”
He stared at the sign. YOU ARE HERE,
Said the map.
Then he started in fear,
As the words by the dot
Changed to: NO, YOU ARE NOT.
Not a soul saw the man disappear.
Do haikus count? Here’s one that could be construed as “temptation”:
Bowling Alley scene:
Hot chick on lane number two!
Mind in the gutter . . .
*****
From MBK: No, but I like it. :)
St. Augustine started to pray
When he saw a fine babe on display.
“Fornication’s a sin;
But that bod, for the win!
Make me chaste, Lord — just, please, not today.”
FOX News internal memo:
You ladies have nothing to fear;
O’Reilly is no longer here.
Now Roger and Bill
Have been fired, but still –
Looking sexy will help your career.
From far beyond the Earth’s atmosphere
Ed was tempted to moon our blue sphere;
But he could not bare all
(The space ship was too small),
And he had far too big of a rear.
There was a failure in communication,
And things lived down to your expectation.
You made things perfectly clear
But it didn’t adhere….
Now you’re stuck with a sticky situation.
Sexual relationship rules are unclear.
So, depending on the atmosphere,
Letting her have her way
Can lead to foreplay….
And that’s a rule to which you’ll gladly adhere.
“Get your drunk stupid ass over here!”
Are words never pleasant to hear.
But if she wears the pants,
You endure the rants….
And keep coming home stinking of beer!
When asked “What’s the life that you led?”
“I was a Temptation.” he said.
Way up in the sky
With a voice from on high,
Eddie Kendricks is knocking ’em dead.
She flashed ample cleavage to Keith
And he longed for what beckoned beneath
Then a look from his wife,
Convinced him that life
Would be much more pleasant with teeth
In response to Ken Gosse’s nosey Cyrano limerick:
If ever a gal ventured near a nose
That kindled desire ‘twould be Cyrano’s.
Its tempting immensity
Wreaks wanton intensity.
Ask Mira the trollop since Mira knows.
Conflict of Interest?
Ivanka is such a sweet dear!
But to c.o.i? she just won’t adhere.
So a whisper to Jin Ping,
“Sell my goods in Beijing,
or I’ll tell Daddy to nuke North Korea.”
He met her outside Charlottesville
And was tempted to wed her, until,
He learned she made whiskey
And thought it too risky
But thought that he might love her still
I heard on the news, I swear
But I certainly have no fear
California is leaving
But I’m certainly not grieving
My “EX” will no longer be here
Temptation is such a good thing;
More tequila to give it that zing.
Let’s have one more round
For these new friends I found;
Now drunk on my ass, I can sing!
ASSISTED LIVING DILEMMA
At “Sunrise” few can hear
Body breakdown affects the ear
Someone said Claire’s a looker
But thought she said hooker
And made known she must disappear
IF NIXON SPOKE IN LIMERICKS (a two-fer)
Let me make something perfectly clear,
Your Prez to the rules does adhere,
Strictly follows the book,
I am thus not a crook.
Don’t believe everything that you hear.
Blame Haldeman, Ehrlichman, Dean.
Those staffers were never quite clean.
And burglars, third rate,
Tried to bug Watergate
When the Democrats weren’t on the scene.
Liddy and Hunt, you’re so funny
To claim that I offered hush money.
It was Colson’s instruction
That led to obstruction
Of justice. Ask Pat. (She’s my honey.)
Some think I gave in to temptation,
To a chance for a grand demonstration
Of electoral strength,
So I’d go any length
To win every state in the nation.
I’m caught in a very big scandal
That may snuff out the flame of my candle.
Yes, it feels like I’m cursed.
I’ll prepare for the worst.
Will this one be too hot to handle?
Johnny Mac really had it down pat,
when he said “that crazy fat kid’s a rat.”
But there’s one thing not clear,
for from all that I hear
The Donald’s not especially fat!
NOT A DUPLICATE
Assisted Living Dilemma
At “Sunrise” few people can hear
Body breakdown affects the ear
Someone said Clair’s a looker
Someone else thought she said hooker
And made it known she must now dissapear
I’m so glad you’re here!
You are looking marvelous, my dear
I love those wedgies
You’ve been eating your VEGGIES!!!!
I noticed your cauliflower ear
I’m so glad you’re here
You are looking marvelous, my dear
I have to say
You seem so gay !!!
With that flower in your ear
My glasses were right here !!!
How could they disappear?
I looked all around
(They are light brown)
“They’re on you head, my dear”
Mad:
Please change one word for me
I SEE your cauliflower ear
Thank You
From MBK: That change would worsen the meter, so I haven’t made it.
NOT A DUPLICATE
My glasses were right here !!
How could they disappear?
I looked UP AND DOWN
(They were light brown)
” They’re on your head, my dear”
Being president’s hard, it’s now clear,
And Trump yearns for his former career.
Our Dear Leader’s a mope.
But at least there’s some hope:
After one hundred days…we’re still here.
There once was a quiet young birder
‘Til she snapped and she shot and they heard her
From her head to her toes
Came the pecking of crows
She should not have, uh, tempted a murder.
Just come north of the border, my dear
For a little wee visit up here
You deserve a long rest
From that orangey pest
You can stay for the rest of the year!
As she stood in the sun, it was clear
That her smile said much more than “Come here”
Many stares she would get
At her nice silhouette
Through her dress, which was flimsy and sheer.
His hearing loss cut like a knife
Not to him, but his blathering wife
Knowing he cannot hear
All her crap, brought him cheer
For the rest of his dreary, old life.
Though the rules may appear quite austere
Let’s be clear – they’re to which you’ll adhere
Let the dancers enthrall
Do not help if they fall
Or your fingers will all disappear!
For so long, all the phone sex I’d hear
Has caught up with me now, I do fear
Doctor said, with a grin.
“You’re diseased for your sin
You have hearing AIDS in your right ear!”
They were not tango dancers, I hear
Although cheek to cheek daily, all year
In their endless embrace,
Looking close at each face
Saw them joined at the base of each ear.
A confession I think I’ll divulge
In the things which I like to indulge:
You see, all that it takes
Is a fridge full of cakes
Made of chocolate, which makes my gut bulge.
If your boss gives you much aggravation,
A particular kind of temptation
Is to smack him and say,
“This is my final day
I just may stay away on vacation!”
When some jerk makes a false accusation,
There is always this seething temptation
To suck air from each lung
Then just stuff ’em with dung
Then you give him a tongue amputation.
It is always a real big temptation
To give people who lack education
A big knock on their head
Get their brains out of bed
And get rid of creation stagnation.
Please don’t leadeth me into temptation
I can findeth it; don’t need salvation
I’ve been given false hope
From the priest to the pope
For as long as they grope God’s creation.
So I think I can cope with “damnation”
Just for living a life of elation
Since the days of my youth
I have searched, found the truth
With the fire of a sleuth’s dedication.
Ev’rything Trump has done — bad idea
Such as pissing off all North Korea
His big mouth, so I hear
Has a sickness, I fear
Caused by verbal severe diarrhea.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, the Temptation-Themed Limerick Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and to the Honorable Mention winners: Limerick-Off Award 276.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Made/Maid.