Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FLU, FLEW, or FLUE at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using FLU, FLEW, or FLUE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to PARTIES, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best PARTY-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on December 25, 2016, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 24, 2016 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here are my two sample limericks:
I never get shots for the flu.
It’s just something I don’t like to do;
I’m convinced they won’t work,
And I’ll feel like a jerk
When succumbing to germs from the queue.
and
I’m hoping you won’t misconstrue
This as telling you what you should do:
Our abode smells of smoke,
Which isn’t a joke.
Did you choke off our fireplace flue?
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Fireplace Humor, Health & Medical Humor, Health Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
‘Twas a fine flight attendant named Sue,
Made me feel good each time that I flew.
She would meet all my needs
With incredible deeds,
‘Cause she always knew just what to do!
‘Tis the season when folks celebrate,
Food and booze that just will not abate.
But don’t do it too quick
Or you’re sure to get sick
From the stuff that you drank and you ate!
I coughed and I sneezed and I blew,
And my temp was a hundred and two.
Couldn’t get out of bed.
Thought I soon would be dead.
Hope I never again get the flu.
Gee, but the time really flew!
It’s been fun being in here with you.
But before we must part
Let’s get to the heart
Of the matter tonight, dear, and screw.
From the chimney, she heard a to-do,
Then Santa appeared down the flue.
“I hope you’ve brought shoes,
I just love Jimmy Choos.”
“No, I’ve brought you”, he said, “ a … ACHOO!”
They were partying; he was so high,
LSD made him think he could fly.
Well, it’s true that he flew
For a second or two,
Till the moment he ran out of sky.
I could feel I was catching the flu,
And I knew what I needed to do:
Hot lemon and rum!
Am I cured? No, old chum,
But I’m pleasantly drunk on this brew.
‘Twas a very fine host who’s named Marty
Who knew how to throw the best party
He would make every guest
Feel like they were the best
Put their fears all to rest; what a smarty!
‘Tis the season for saying, “Achoo!”
What to do for a cold or a flu –
Drink some honey and lemon
And rest till it’s stemmin’
The coughin’ and phlegmin’ in you.
The hooker appeared ill at ease;
Her client had started to sneeze.
He was catching the flu!
Far too risky to screw,
So she stayed at arm’s length on her knees.
The Party’s over
The GOP know they’ve been rash;
The economy’s certain to crash.
Says The Donald, “I guess
I must sell the US –
But don’t worry, Putin will pay cash.”
A bricklayer and his good crew
Built a fireplace for old Fu Manchu.
When the job was all done,
They were sick, every one.
You should know what they had: Asian flue.
At the party, the cannibal bride
Grabbed the groom, and she pulled him aside.
“The reception is great
And the food that we ate,
But I’m fed up with people,” she sighed.
What happened to TIME? It just flew.
Where is that young chick that I knew?
In the mirror, who’s that?
My smile just went flat!
Who’s that person there? Is it YOU?
You were such a great guy, that I knew.
The years went so fast; they just flew.
The moments, sublime!
Wish I could freeze time.
I remember the joy… I miss you.
He gave her the chills, she just knew.
A fever consumed through and through.
She was thus inclined
But it’s true, love is blind.
All she had was a case of the flu.
At parties, she sort of went wild.
She saw a hot guy and he smiled.
Such torrid words said!
They would end up in bed.
Then onto another manchild.
The parties! The booze, and the food!
The laughter; The fun, festive mood!
More platefuls? Why, YES!
Though it’s all in excess.
Can’t refuse them ’cause that would be rude!
The party won’t happen, you fools!
You’re nothing but throw-away tools.
You’ve been conned, you’ve been used.
And Trump’s quite amused,
‘Cause he doesn’t play by your rules.
If Santa really comes down the flue,
No fire, we’re cold! What to do?
Drinking booze to keep warm!
The Christmas eve norm.
Light the fire; Shop Macy’s! F–k you!
A million dollars a day!
To protect Trump, my City must pay!
You party on our dime!
It’s disgraceful, big time!
We’re begging you, just go away!
A semi-Scottish Limerick for Mad Kane’s limerick-off
(with apologies to my Scottish ancestors)
ach, we poot in me new kitchen flue
now I dinna know what tae do
me big parrot got loose
and it flew ‘roond the hoose
’til it scared off the whole workin’ crew
It was Christmas Eve. Santa was due,
Bearing goodies and gifts, a whole slew.
All my hopes, though, were dashed:
In the chimney he crashed.
I’d forgotten to open the flue.
At a fancy dress do, down in Derry
Maid Marian had a drop too much sherry
It wasn’t young Robin
Who had her heart throbbin
‘Twas Little John who made Marian merry
We met at a New Year’s soirée,
Drinking wine till we got enivré.
Such a sweet mademoiselle,
And a fille oh so belle!
And the way she could French made my day.
It’s clear that I haven’t a clue
How to clean out a chimney; it’s true
When I tried, it instead
Just collapsed on my head
Now I’m laid up in bed from the flue.
When they asked, “Want a shot?” I acceded.
Their prevention advice I had heeded.
Didn’t want to get flu,
So I knew what to do.
‘Twas the shot in the arm that I needed.
Do “The Vogue” at a party and dance,
But don’t jump with the music and prance,
‘Cause everyone knows,
Just strike a good pose,
And then say, “May I have this stance?”
A party is not where it’s at
When you wear an introvert’s hat.
So when it gets loud
I exit the crowd,
To sneak off and go pet the cat.
Inside of my nostril it flew,
The virus that some call the flu.
And, not to be crude,
This dampened my mood–
It’s opened both ends of my flue.
I got an invite–stained and older–
To dine in a clime that was colder.
I swear on my honor,
The party was Donner.
I left when they gave a cold shoulder.
Mine’s here:
Twinned Chill – A Limericked Band on Sleight of Hand
No Santa down the wide chimney flue.
Bye to you and to your reindeer crew.
Soon delivery by drone
In every time zone.
Just the latest in high-tech breakthrough.
We all thought that the party was super
And we all drank ourselves to a stupor
Then in came the dog
To drop a big log
That bitch was a big party pooper.
If Santa went down into a burning fireplace. New Christmas party food!
What goes with roast loin Santa Claus?
Indeed, the idea gives me pause..
With this entree,
A dry chardonnay?
A cheeky merlot, just because!
The party continues (with Brian Allgar’s brilliant suggestion of Vino Santo wine!)
Then it’s Vino Santo we’ll drink!
Want Kringle and wine both in sync.
Such a succulent roast!
“L’chayim Santa!”, we toast!
It’s all quite sick/lovely, I think!
Will someone please give me a clue
how to manage five kids with the flu?
Jill has the shakes, Jake’s tummy aches,
the twins can’t defecate, and goodness sakes!
Little Jenny’s still hugging the loo!
Hi, I’m Rick; I’m a limerickaholic.
Through these fun little verses I frolic,
Other interests? Few.
And my wife? She just flew.
(These poems are so darn diabolic!)
As I lie awake nights, I confesses
I’m not counting sheep, only stresses.
And my meter? No clue.
I have caught mental flu.
All my lims seem meandering messes.
Is there help somewhere, ‘fore I just drop?
I feel like my brain’s ’bout to plop.
All thought’s flown up the flue —
Need activities new.
(What the heck. Just one more. Then I’ll stop!)
She often had fun when they flew.
Together they’d sneak in the loo.
She always will treasure,
Their cramped randy pleasure,
But sadly, she’s bid him adieu.
The Dewey, Dewey Flu ~
[Inspired, as often, by Ogden Nash]
Perhaps in concurrence with you,
I might wish he’d rhymed flue with adieu,
But we’ll flee from a flaw
I suspect that he saw
Once he made his escape from the flu.
The Republican drank some wine
At the party, was feeling fine.
He got up from his seat,
Danced the conga, ’twas neat.
He just followed the party line.
At her birthday bash, woman named Beth
Muttered curses just under her breath.
The limelight she hated.
She felt quite ill-fated
At the party, a fete worse than death.
Party of Three ~
There once was a party of three:
A he and a she and a she,
And while he said, “Me! Me!”
She and she said, “Oui Oui!”
Cherished dreams of Paris Gaiety.
It’s a party, a bash, and a binge;
An affair and a fête — but I cringe.
And my ire will ignite,
If you dare to invite
All your friends from the lunatic fringe.
Trump makes me feel sad and blue.
It’s much worse than having the flu.
Though his fans adore him,
I’d like to ignore him,
But four years he will be in the news.
There is more to the much-dreaded flu
Than just coughing and going “Achoo!”
You get fever and chills
Diarrhea-like spills
And those useless damn pills you take too!
Your pained body aches all through and through
And some vomiting ain’t nothin’ new
A sore throat that is rough
Makes you sound gruff and tough
Snot and phlegm – that’s enough to feel blue.
Well, I betcha that you never knew
That the flu can still benefit you
Just go visit each chum
Who’s a bum and a scum
And do let them have some of it too!
Her mother said “Yes, you should go;
Perhaps you might meet a new beau.”
At the party, she sighs;
The available guys
Act like Larry, Curly and Moe.
I’m hoping good knowledge
will influence the college
of electors who’ll be voting Monday.
To cross their party line,
it may earn them a fine,
but for that, I surely would pay.
In the mile high club she frequently flew
Spending an awfully long time in the loo
(She never liked to be rushed)
She’d emerge somewhat flushed
And oblivious to a very long queue
A gorilla with intestinal flue
devoured poor Harry at the zoo.
Said his dear wife Katelet,
“He was, and is now ape shit,
but he’ll all come out in the poo!”
The puppy was all in a stew.
His Christmas once white was now blue.
Each of the gifts he hated,
for all were flea riddance related.
Next Christmas I hope Santa gets stuck in the flue!
Arab chief is considered a freak
In his country because just last week
At a party one night,
Did a thing not too bright:
For a while he had danced sheik to sheik.
A beekeeper friend of mine, Marty,
Remarked with a laugh that was hearty:
“When a new hive is done,
Bees and I have some fun.
I throw them a house swarming party.”
To the arms of his mistress he flew
And he thought that his wife had no clue.
She found out just the same:
He cried out the wrong name
During sex. That’s a screw that he’ll rue.
They were dancing at a very posh do
When the clock started to strike, off she flew
But Cinderella
Landed her fella
When he came calling, ‘Is this your shoe?’
I just have to edit a previous lim:
It’s a party, a bash, and a binge;
An affair and a fête — but I cringe.
And my ire will ignite,
If Trump dares to invite
All his friends from the lunatic fringe.
TO MAKE LIM’RICKS WITH FLEW, FLUE, OR FLU
AT FIRST MIGHT SEEM EASY TO DO.
BUT YOU COULD BECOME DAFT
DOING MANY A DRAFT
& END UP WITH A BIG HEADACHE TOO.
Juan Gonzalez, a very old monk,
at a party wed Carmen while drunk.
But once in Niagara,
he had no Viagra,
so his wife retrieved Raul from the trunk.
Their party had something for all;
Everybody was having a ball.
Some eggnog had flowed,
And it really showed
With the undies they found in the hall.
This happened the last time I flew;
I wasn’t quite sure what to do.
My stuff in the box,
I hadn’t worn socks;
And someone made off with a shoe.
Apropos of a Facebook post from Mad and her better half, Mark
The doctors declare, “It is true
That protecting us all from the flu
‘s not a hundred percent,
But this shot may prevent
Ague and a-chooing for you.”
Still some folks persist in the view
That medics do not have a clue.
They turn down injection,
Risk getting infection,
And spread it to me and to you.
We still love them all, through and through,
But we wish that they’d soon get a clue.
If they don’t, they may phone ya,
“I’m getting pneumonia,
And simply don’t know what to do.”
Don’t be like those people who knew,
But still became part of the crew
Who are caught in the spiral
Of illness gone viral.
No sympathy we’ll have for you.
Though the windows and doors locked like glue
The bug still broke in and slipped through
It killed each family member
That night in December
We’ll always remember the flu!
The virus did need hosts anew
To occupy, feed off of too
But with no life about
It soon found a new route
And the flu then flew out through the flue.
At the party, if there’s just one stranger
There may be potential for danger
Getting beaten or marred
Maybe robbed, you’ll be scarred
There’s no bouncer, cop, guard or a ranger.
Don’t get drunk, and make sure you’re well-fed
And just stay mostly sober instead
You won’t get victimized
You can leave them surprised
When you’ve bopped the bad guys on the head!
A bat colony hangs from my flue
So now what in the hell should I do?
If I started a fire
The smell would be dire
This horrid bat pyre with poo.
The guano would be a big mass
That emits toxic, nose-burning gas
If I don’t soon move out
Or just seal it with grout
Then I am, beyond doubt, a dumb ass!
I must now find a way to undo
All my losses, so out of the blue —
Tell me, what if I sell it?
Some folks may not smell it
If they have a cold or a flu!
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick Award 267.
Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, the PARTIES-Themed Limerick Winner, and to the Honorable Mention winners.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerck-Off Sign.
People’s faith in the system fast flew
Out the window – The EC just blew
Their last chance to expel
This foul despot from hell
From whose mouth only lies and hate spew.