The Butt Of Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow was knocked on his butt…*
or
A woman was often the butt…*
or
A man was a pain in the butt…*
or
A gal was obsessed with her butt…*
or
A fellow who loved saying “but”…*
or
A fellow was holding the butt…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
The Butt Of Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A large woman said, “Doc, do my butt.
“It’s too small, and I’d like it to jut.”
“But your butt is too jutting,”
He answered, quite cutting.
“I find your case open and shut.”
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
She was tired of being the butt
Of their jokes as a cheerleading slut.
The girls in her school
Were exceedingly cruel
But the boys were nice, I tell you what!
All the food I eat goes to my butt
And my hips and my thighs and my gut
And my calves and my shins
And my man boobs and chins
And my cheeks puff and swell my eyes shut.
To her shoulder, she placed the gun’s butt,
Squeezed the trigger and fired, “phutt phutt phutt.”
She showed off her aim
As three shots hit the same
Target’s bullseye. All with both eyes shut!
Please give L3 a sex changed!
(Done.)
The center stuck out his big butt,
While the quarterback shouted, “Hut, hut.”
But all that male action
Disguised their attraction
When at home in their frills they would strut.
A fellow who liked a big butt
Was a Kim Kardashian nut
He loved that big bubble
but a joke caused him trouble
and Kanye punched him hard in the gut.
The Malmsey was kept in a butt,
And the Duke was already half-cut.
He got high as a kite
While they drowned him that night,
And was pickled before he went ‘phut’.
He had a huge belly and butt
From the junk food on which he would glut.
As he groaned and he cried,
You could see right inside,
For the chap had a pane in his gut
The fellows admired her butt
In a skirt that was tight as a nut,
But when one said “Her bum
Is as tight as a drum”,
He was scolded for talking such smut.
The student would try to rebut
His professor, and told him “Tut, tut!
One plus one equals ten?
Sir, you’re wrong once again -”
“It’s the binary system, you nut!”
I had kept every cigarette butt,
For my wife had got into a rut,
Smoking ten on the trot.
Now I fed her the lot –
That’ll teach her to keep her mouth shut.
From the way that she wiggled her butt
It was clear that the girl was a slut,
But that gorgeous young hooker
Was such a good-looker
The fellows were queueing to rut.
Sarah Palin is often the butt
Of deriders who think she’s a nut.
Though she has, it is true,
A one-figure IQ,
Her mouth is quite cute – when it’s shut.
A man was a pain in the butt
True, all things were great with him, but
Was he attentive enough?
Indeed he had the right stuff.
She knew she should go with her gut.
A woman was often the butt
Of jokes: Was she a health food nut?
She’d eat only organic,
GMOs caused a panic.
She’s the one with a healthy gut.
Of world problems, there are a glut-
Our leaders are all corporate sluts.
But we are aware
The masses don’t care:
They talk about Kim’s tits and butt.
A woman was often the butt
Of jokes about her tut tut
She shaved it real clean
Showed it off to extreme.
Her Tut Tut wasn’t smut but a mutt.
A gal was obsessed with her butt
Her honey said let’s see you strut
She swished and she swayed
Till she finally got laid
And for now she’s out of her rut.
A man was a pain in the butt
After all he’s a right wing nut.
He’d cry to his momma
He hated Obama
Till she told him to keep his mouth shut.
She knew that she liked him a lot,
But had to get out of the rut.
What does her gut say?
Go with your heart, stay.
And teach him how to care enough.
Why do dogs go around sniffing butt?
The research is open and shut.
Some hounds are elitist.
They want just the sweetest
Aroma of pure bred, not mutt.
Honey, please look at my butt
Does this dress make it bigger, or what?
But before you reply
I am armed, which is why
You shouldn’t just go with your gut
A woman used ifs ands and buts
To excuse the fact that she’s a klutz
She found her retorts
Wouldn’t hold up in court
She just made the judge think she was nuts
A woman who lived in a hut
Was skinny with quite a small butt
With such a small figure
She’d fall in the shitter
And really be stuck in a rut
A billy goat shows he can butt,
While a peacock will swagger and strut,
But a macho man here
Will just guzzle his beer
And display his protuberant gut.
A Great Mystery Solved
Why do hounds go around sniffing butt?
The research is open and shut.
Some dogs are elitist.
They want just the sweetest
Aroma of pure bred, not mutt.
Title added and edited to add internal rhyme, reversing dogs and hounds.
She warned him that being a butt
Was the way to make her hate his gut.
He then metatarsal
When her foot hit his arsehole
And she toed him, “Your hole rectum’s shut.”
After Miley was shakin’ her butt
On TV like some dumb little slut,
They put up an orange placard
On the road near her backyard
That says, “Men at Twerk, Take Next Rut.”
A guy who was kissing some butt
Had a nose with a prominent jut.
When the boss squeezed his cheeks,
The whole office heard shrieks,
‘Cause the guy is now stuck in a rut.
Since her pants made her have a fat butt,
She was sure she’d get out of that rut
If she found the right pair,
Something slimming to wear,
So she bought assless chaps–what a nut!
A fellow was knocked on his butt,
By a lady he’d just called a slut.
He jumped up and swore
And called her a whore,
So she gave him a knee in the gut.
A Rookie who had a big butt,
Walked onto the field with a strut.
He bent over the ball
And the Coach made the call.
“Son you have just made the cut.”
If you feel you’ve been kicked in the butt
By a life that’s been spent in a rut,
And the hope in your chest
Has gone south with the rest
Of your dreams, my reaction’s, “So what?”
Eye ear that there’s simply nose butt
About tit and no arm comes from nut
Doing twat you are toed.
There’s no kneed to be showed.
Folks cunt dick me ass if I’m some slut.
Life is sometimes a kick in the butt,
And for most, it’s just not that clear cut.
Oh, sure, you can prove
You’re in a great groove,
And then wonder, is this groove a rut?
I just fell on my butt
I tripped on our Labrador mutt
He sleeps on the floor
Right in the door
So now the door will be shut
In the Case of the Lady’s Big Butt
Sherlock Holmes was asked “If pants aren’t what
Makes my ass appear big,
Then just what does, you prig?”
“Elephantry, my dear. It’s your glut.”
In D.C., talking heads always butt
One another and posture and strut.
Androgenic hormone
Known as testosterone
Makes ’em all think that they’re the King nut!
A fellow was knocked on his butt
And fell on his suffering mutt.
He arose, his head spinning,
When he saw someone grinning
And punched him smack-dab in the gut.
Lord Nelson was shipped home in a butt
Of brandy they thought tightly sealed shut
All the way from Trafalgar
To not appear vulgar
The crew only tapped it somewhat
A guy had a pain in the butt
When, surprised in the midst of a rut
By the gal’s jealous man,
He got shot in the can
Thus depriving this cock of his strut.
Lord Nelson was shipped in a butt
Of brandy, thought tightly sealed shut
All the way from Trafalgar
To not appear vulgar
The crew only tapped it somewhat
(Revised per suggestions from Jon Gearhart)
A fellow was knocked off his butt
got up and said yeah, but
if you only knew what she knew
all this we wouldn’t go through
and the b.s. we could cut.
The man was a pain in the butt
because his life he felt in a rut
so his wife said please honey
there’s more to life than money
as long as I get my cut.
The young attorney loved saying yes but
and the judge said your b.s. you must cut
then the bailiff chimed in
with a devilish grin
and the judge finally said enough is enough.
Looked cloudy, was walking home but
The park seemed a good quick shortcut
Thought I felt a sprinkle
‘Twas really a tinkle
From somebody’s off the leash mutt.
Damn those gowns,, how they show off my butt.
They’re designed to be open, not shut.
Now I’m not sure what’s worse,
To startle a nurse,
Or smile as I jiggle and strut.
If she’s serving you wine on her butt,
While claiming it’s art and not smut,
Then all I an say
Is you’d best walk away
From Kanye and his ‘fame hungry slut.’
A man was a pain in the butt
as he walked with his foul-smelling mutt.
He could avoid people’s wrath
if his dog got a bath.
But he wasn’t a cleanliness nut.
A guy had attached to his butt
A very determined old mutt.
He screamed for a savior
To stop this behavior –
He had called the dog’s mistress a slut.
It turned out that the fellow whose butt
Was being chewed was a dealer in smut,
As its owner made clear
To the crowd standing near.
They ruled it a case open and shut.
A gal was obsessed with her butt.
It exceeed the size of her gut,
Which would not be so wild
Except she was with child.
It was scary to witness her strut.
A ram gave his master a butt,
To which he responded,”Now what?
Is it once again true
You’re in need of a ewe?
I think that you’re just in a rut.”
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 191.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Brains.