Limerick Crack (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow tripped over a crack…*
or
A fellow was starting to crack…*
or
A gal made a terrible crack…*
or
A man who was taking a crack…*
or
A woman was trying to crack…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Crack
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Mrs. Grace tripped and fell on a crack,
Throwing shoulders and back out of whack.
This was witnessed by guys
Who began to crack wise:
“On balance, it’s grace that you lack.”
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Accident Humor, Accidents, Clumsiness Humor, Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
A fella whose trou showed his crack
was seemingly taken aback.
He said, “It’s the pits
when chicks show their tits!”
He though too much cleavage was slack.
While Mark Hamill was trying to crack
Into showbiz some 40 years back,
Met the love of his life
Who became his young wife–
That’s the broad that stroked Mark Hamill’s sac!
Record labels give new groups a crack.
Stack the audience, front, middle, and back,
So they get good reviews
In the Rock Tour news
With their clique that is also their claque.
claque
Their antics begin with the crack
Of a whip, then full frontal attack.
And when they are done
With that S&M fun,
They start in again from the back.
In the kitchen, came ants through the crack,
So the homeowner tried to fight back.
The Formica he sprayed;
Their advance was delayed.
Then the ants made a counter-attack.
Saw your mama out pedaling crack
On the street near the dog racing track.
Such a fugly old beast
On her Schwinn pedaling east
With her butt hanging out in the back.
Sexual stresses could cause you to crack
When you’re called to perform in the sack.
If you can’t raise your todger
To give her a roger,
You’ll soon know of a lass and a lack.
The children were taken aback
while playing “Don’t step on the crack!”
thinking they were to blame
when their mom became lame—
for throwing her back out of whack!
The dentist made many a crack
Concerning his hygienist’s rack.
He was put in his place
With a punch in the face;
Now his teeth are displayed on her plaque.
The schoolboy was dealing his crack
In the playground, and made quite a stack.
He was not even six
When he got his first fix
From the teacher who gave him the smack.
My life is beginning to crack,
And the future looks horribly black.
They had told me my job’s
“In the bag”, but the slobs
Say the word they intended was “sack”.
In desperate need of some crack,
The hooker appealed to her mack.
“If you gimme a fix
I’ll turn twenty more tricks,
And a freebie by way of kickback.”
I’ve made many efforts to crack
Modern art, but it all seems to lack
Any meaning or sense;
You may think that I’m dense,
But to me, it is just bric-à-Braque.
My mansion developed a crack
And it ran from the front to the back.
Now the walls have all crumbled,
The roofing has tumbled –
What’s left is no more than a shack.
The hooker said “Buddy, whick crack?
Either way, I am hot in the sack,
And I charge fifty bucks
For a guy who just fucks,
But it’s double to go round the back.”
A woman was trying to crack
The code for a game, and her hack
Almost got it solved
But it was involved
And soon to square one she was back.
The burglar was trying to crack
A big safe, but he hadn’t the knack,
For he was moronic,
The safe electronic;
His hacksaw – goddam! – wouldn’t hack.
A woman was trying to crack
The puzzle of her lover’s knack
Of making her heart soar,
Was it genuine, or
Just getting her into the sack?
A gal made a justified crack
“This doctor is indeed a quack!
This incompetent jerk
Diagnosis guesswork!
His brainless head, I’d like to whack!”
The cable guy sported his crack
While adjusting the wires in back
It commenced to unfold
When the vertical hold
Got bent over to service loose Jack
A fellow started to crack
when peace of mind he did lack
as suddenly from out of the blue
came a bolt as what he should do
lighten up, chill out and cut himself some slack
Too stoned from smoking up crack
Tarry crashed Dad’s new Cadillac
Ran into Mickey Dees
For an asphalt n cheese
So high he overshot the Tar-Mac
She knew I’d eventually crack
“Now bring me a testicle back”
To the deli I go
I returned. Said, “Hello?”
I’d been left holding the sack
A man who was taking a crack
at improving uncle Ray’s Big Mac
tried adding salsa and spinach
with hopes of hola and pinache
found the taste he couldn’t hack.
A gal made a terrible crack
While humping a guy in the sack.
“I forgot my control”
Yet continued to roll.
It went slack and it wouldn’t go back.
A fellow was starting to crack
Escaping from a torture rack
His magic didn’t work
And he felt like a jerk.
Instead of Houdini he’s only Sad Sack.
A fellow tripped over a crack
Running through a forest track
He got to his feet
Sent his girlfriend a tweet,
“A whack in the sac may hold me back.”
A dancer was trying to crack
Arole in “Le cygne du lac”
But the swan flew away
Just turning to say
“The trouble with me is I’m black
A fellow was snorting some crack
Obtained from a dude down the back
Of a very fast lane
And was heard to complain
“I’m afraid that your crack is worth Jack
A fellow tripped over a crack,
Which caused him to land with a thwack.
This unabashed nut
Took a look at his butt;
Said, “I cracked it!” (Aww. Cut him some slack.)
Our repairman’s protruding butt-crack
Seemed to start in the midst of his back
He was bending so low,
And had so much to show,
I was glad that I had a thumbtack….
I won’t let the Doc near my crack
Let alone these two nuts in my sack
These two boys by my thighs
I WILL NOT compromise
Well, ahem, ‘less my wife gives me flack…..
A walnut that refused to crack
I gave up and put the thing back
These nutcracker tools
that turn us fools
Unless you somehow have the knack
Poor Arnold was starting to crack
As guv’nuh they cut him no slack
He diddled the help
and got him a whelp
and then he said “Baby, I’m back!”
Oh mama, I stepped on a crack
Sorry about your poor back
I’s so busy talking
didn’t see where I’s walking
could’ja go make me a snack?
If as Mayor, your habit is crack
And the whole world is giving you flack
Continued derangement?
A quick rearrangement –
Your brother will pick up the slack.
Under pressures of life, some folks crack.
Their reality gets thrown off track.
They must find ways to cope.
At the end of their rope,
There’s a loophole, but that won’t help jack!
My finances starting to crack
Bark balances not in the black
I said to my kid
‘Is this what you did?
I think you’re a com.pu-ter hack”
A fellow tripped over a crack
On the Great Wall of China .. alack!
Twas a downward incline,
On which he went fline,
And it took him an hour to get back.
With a strap she started to crack
The bare skin of her lover’s back
After so many belts
A red array of welts
That their S & M sex life was whack
At role play they gave it a crack
Bought Pampers and some Similac
But when he sucked his thumb
And the bonnet looked dumb
The lasting image has her on Prozac
A fellow tripped over a crack
Whenever he tried for the knack
Of being a clown:
Repartee let him down,
So, re party, his trick is off track.
A burglar was failing to crack
A safe that, on dial, had a lack
Of numbers; instead,
Chinese could be read,
Which one has to start from the back.
Now THAT was a most hurtful crack…
…And the reason you called me a quack?
I’m not God, don’t you know;
I can’t make your thing grow –
Have your wife help you take up the thwack!
This ought to make me popular…
Their defenses are starting to crack
And now we might have to go back
‘Cause we acted in haste;
All past efforts made waste
When we pulled out too fast from Iraq.
“So what if the aquifers crack,
And the water turns smelly and black?
So what if we’re killing
The earth with our drilling?
We honestly don’t give a frack!”
HAMMOND, SEPTEMBER 25
Through the window they went. In the >CRACK!<
Of the TASER, the kids in the back
Saw policemen take action
Against the infraction
That's known as "Existing While Black".
Dear Jon — sometimes war is akin
To a diff’rent, more popular sin:
How soon you pull out
Isn’t what it’s about —
It’s the fact that you ever went in!
— also —
The Status of Forces Agreement
Bush swore was a solid as cee-ment.
Now Nouri al-Maliki
(Getting all colicky)
Swears that that wasn’t what *he* meant…
Fighting war is just like smoking crack
Once you’ve started you can’t take it back.
It was crazy to go in
But we did and now so in
The long run we’re responsible, jack.
My woody snapped off with a crack.
“That is not what I meant by a ‘whack’!”
“Can we glue it back on?”
“No, it’s (sob) truly gone—
Now I’ve naught but a lass and a lack.”
Konrad Schwoerke just posted a crack
About having a lass and a lack.
It’s funny to do it
But I beat him to it
By posting this line 4 days back. :-)
If you try to avoid ev’ry crack
In the sidewalk, you’ll injure your back.
What a price you will pay
For compulsive display.
Will therapy get you on track?
There’s some nut that balls Geppetto’s crack
With the wood that he carves in his shack.
The hole story goes
That Pinocchio nose,
Butt he lies so Geppetto poles back.
Like most guys, don’t think twice when I wise crack
About blonds that like pedalling their guys’ crack
On a Schwinn down back streets
To where each John she meats
Gets the first taste for free from her fly’s crack.
Mad,
Please change L5 from nice crack to fly’s crack.
(Note from Mad Kane: Done!)
The dentist discovered a crack
In a tooth that was way in the back.
He said its small size
Wouldn’t win me a prize,
But he gave me a plaque for my plaque.
A pool player tried making a crack
That proved that he didn”t know jack.
To the girl he opposed,
He unwisely proposed,
“Why not rack them all up with your rack.”
Sherlock was trying to crack
A brilliant cyber attack
No dancing men
More mighty was the pen
That created limericks stack after stack
Two stanzas
His mom was aware he used crack,
But she said when he moved on to smack,
“You’re a dope using dope.
I’ve given up hope.
Now you leave and don’t ever come back.”
Gave up smack as he’d given up crack.
Went cold turkey holed up in a shack,
He fixed what ws wrong,
Wrote his mother a song,
“Don’t ever say never come back.”
In Chaucerian mode…
A gallant olde knyghte took a crack
At slaying a dragon. Alack!
For the fyre-breathing beest,
In the mood for a feest,
Made the fellow a well-toasted snack.
Two skunks heard a loud rifle crack
They both knew the hunter was back
The first skunk said
While he lowered his head,
“Let us spray, if there’s an attack”
“William Joseph said give you a crack
For the moolah that you ain’t paid back.
You ain’t got too long.
Don’t sing me no song,
Cuz it’s owed to Billy Joe, Mack.”
A poll had this poser to crack
(On a vexillological tack):
“Purely based on the flair
Of its flag, you’d live where?”
Top was Britain with Union Jack.
(I normally adhere to the (possibly incorrect) convention that “Union Jack” is only for naval usage; otherwise it’s “Union Flag”. Oh, and I belong to the nerdy flag group that held the poll.)
Bottom-line, your selected word “crack”
Has me itching, by god, to talk smack!
Poised to bring in the rear,
I may butt in right here
With this cheeky announcement: I’m baaaccckk!
My windshield just suffered a crack
From a dove with a now broken back,
Broken wing, beak, and neck
So I thought, what the heck
So I skinned him a grilled me a snack
His boxers were stuck in his crack
A Fruit-Of-The-Loom rectal attack
But being a twerp
He inverted a burp
And probably just left a track
Oops, crap! it’s too late, but Mad please correct that last line of my dove limerick to say:
So I skinned him and grilled me a snack
Thanks!
My mouth is shut tight—not a crack—
Till my dentist can prove he’s no hack.
Then I see his degree
On the wall, and then we
Each say “Ah!” at the other one’s plaque.
… Hope Brian Allgar doesn’t mind my riffing on his excellent pun!
In grooming, therein lies a crack
His mullet goes down to his back
He’s stuck in the eighties
So both of his ladies
Are inflatable dolls in his shack
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 184.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Fretting About Limericks.