Limerick Ham (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman was roasting a ham…*
or
A man was a terrible ham…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Ham
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A chef who is rather a ham
Got a band to allow him to jam.
The guy is all thumbs
When he beats on his drums,
But their regular man’s on the lam.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Band Limerick, Chef Humor, Competition Limerick, Drums Humor, Food Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Music Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
Nice lim Mad! I’ll try to come up with one or two of my own this week.
A woman was roasting a ham
which really was made out of Spam
Her hubby got wise
and blackened her eyes
Now he’s in a big legal jam
A woman was roasting a ham,
Gave her oven door too hard a slam:
Hammy, goodbye! That night
O’er the table a blight
Did descend: meatless dinner. Oh, damn.
A fellow was roasting a ham
At a dinner: the norm was a slam
At her stunts through the years
Which caused laughter, some tears —
Carol B. was the greatest! Hot damn :)
The preacher, a terrible ham,
Was known to imbibe a wee dram.
He protested, My Lord
I support, so the horde
Should not judge me: a feckless old lamb.
This limerick writer would ham
It up in her e-mails (er, spam?)
Though some friends may have winced.
She persists, quite convinced
Of puns’ merits: It’s just who I am!
The question: is Mad Kane a ham?
One answer: well, maybe a gram
‘s worth, but not much more;
(Should we open this door?)
Maybe not; she might tell me to scram.
Her humor’s more forthright, quite witty,
Well suited to life in the city.
A salon? I’d attend!
Punning time’d never end :)
She Kane do it! Hope she’s Mad ’bout this ditty.
{Mad, I just couldn’t help myself — Ha HA!}
Clarke Gable was a terrible ham
In the days they made movies for jam
It was particularly true
When from his mouth flew
Those words, “I don’t give a damn.”
A widow was roasting a ham
As a treat for her boarder named Sam
She and Sam became one
Now the roast’s overdone
And she may end up wheeling a pram.
Ham On A Wave 20.10.2013
A demented old ham used to cram
Only spam and white noise on his ham
When issued a warning
He said to them scorning
” in Nam it was good for you! – scram!”
A woman was roasting a ham
Which the family was waiting to cram
But the plan turned to shit
When the Gas Meter quit
So twas back to the old stand by SPAM.
A woman was roasting a ham
Made of soy. She said, “Yes, it’s a sham,
But I’d feel like a dork
If I were to eat pork.
I am vegan – I yam what I yam!”
A woman was roasting a ham
In an oven beside a giant clam.
The clam was alive
She learned half past five.
When the clam ate the ham while enjoying a yam.
A woman was roasting a ham
On a spit beside a huge dam
The dam when it burst
Relieved her harsh thirst
Then after the ham she vigorously swam.
A man was a terrible ham
Showing off his physique as he swam
He swam in a lake
The home of a snake
The snake in the lake of the ham he made spam.
This porn star’s a bit of a ham,
Portraying an innocent lamb?
We watch as she’s goaded,
With all bases loaded,
Then enjoying a well earned “Grand Slam.”
A gal was in love with Jon Håmm
He told her, “I yam what I yam!”
That jaw of Don Draper’s
Would give her the vapors
Said Don, “I don’t give a damn…”
A man was a terrible ham
Either love him or go away, SCRAM!
He just couldn’t stop,
He was over the top:
His Mantra,”I am what I am!
A woman was roasting a ham…
Just as she would roast her man
Better be warned
of woman scorned
None brave enough to lend a hand
Hank
If Descartes were sharing a ham
With a fellow who threatened to slam
The lid on the taters—
“My sweets ain’t for raiders!”—
He would, I think, dare for a yam.
A woman was roasting a ham,
she skewered him deep in his scam;
he thought himself Gable,
a spurious label,
an actor less ham than canned Spam!
A woman was roasting a ram,
thinking maybe she’d roast a ham;
but when told, it was heard,
guests had roundly demurred,
hailing all from the Nation Islam.
A woman was roasting a ham
thinking I really don’t give a damn,
if this dinner gets cooked,
I’d much rather be booked,
in a hut at my local ashram!
A woman was sending out spam,
it thrilled her to think she could jam,
all mail boxes with junk,
you would need to spelunk;
dive in, breathe with your diaphragm.
A man was preparing to scram,
to duck his ill-got Ponzi scam,
he drove hot out of town,
till the cops ran him down;
he found himself back in the slam!
My brother, the radio ham
Made contact in Hue, Vietnam
And in Burma, Rangoon:
He aimed for the moon
And the signal bounced off (past the Ram).
In amateur radio, sending a signal in this way is known as an EME (Earth-Moon-Earth), or a “moon-bounce”.
When the Rebbitzen served kosher ham
The Rabbi delared, “It’s no scam.
it isn’t just show food,
That sham ham is tofued,
And next week we’ll savor fake clam.”
The prisoner’s wife baked a ham
Hid a file inside as a scam!
Her old man was confused:
On the cell bars he used
The burnt meat as a battering ram.
Frank Abagnale (Junior) — no ham!
But a confidence trickster. His scam?
As a pilot he posed
For months undisclosed!
His principal victim: Pan Am.
A woman was baking a ham
To be glazed with a pineapple jam
She found she was gauche–her
Guests all kept kosher.
She served them green eggs a la Sam.
I sure love my honey-baked ham
Spiral-sliced, slightly sweet. I mean, damn!
Piping hot, side of beans
Class of beer, collard greens
That’s how we do it in Alabam’!
Mel stood next to actor Jon Hamm
A mistake that made him say damn
There’s no way that Mel’s face
Could compare in that place
A contrast that made his wife scram
A thick slice of maple cured ham
In my mouth I tried hard to cram
It got stuck in my throat
Here and now I’ll connote
This piece of ass was willing to jam
A woman was roasting a ham
At Friar’s club (His name was Sam)
He’d dance and he’d sing
Çause that was his thing’
“Bojangles he’d say? Yes, I am.
A LIMERICAL TRIBUTE TO Saul E. Grossberger, a.k.a. G. Ross Berger, “that ol’ ham what am,” 1909-2004)
I hope the semi-rhymes with ham are forgiven.
My father-in-law, an old ham,
Played character roles with élan
From the Scotch Mr. Lundy
To Arvide (on Sunday)
To Fleetfoot and Nachum. Yes Ma’am!
I first saw him in The Tenth Man,
Played the shammos who did what he can
To finish the minyan,
Which in his opinion
Would exile the Dybbuk — good plan.
I knew not that he was the man
Who, after a lengthy time span,
Would be “Greatpapa Saul,”
To my grands who recall
His devotion and love for his clan.
True story: I was on the only date I have had with a non-Jew, and we saw him and a number of other Pittsburgh area character actors in a memorable performance of Paddy Chayefsky’s The Tenth Man (about a Jewish exorcism) at the Pittsburgh Playhouse. I started dating my wife soon after that and eventually learned about the roles in local theater that her father played.
He died when our grandtwins were five, so they never saw him in Little Mary Sunshine, Guys and Dolls, Kismet, Brigadoon, Fiddler on the Roof, 1776 (Stephen Hopkins), or any other of his roles played with great devotion for very little money. We do have a videotape of him playing a mine clerk, not very different from the factory job he held in real life, in The Prince of Pennsylvania, one of Keanu Reeves’ early movies.
A man was a terrible ham
who would frequently utter, “Shazam.”
Captain Marvel he wasn’t.
But, admit it, he doesn’t.
What he needs is a mental exam.
(Dear readers: I know in my gut
Political nonsense and smut
Are tough things to swallow,
If forthwith they follow
From Fred’s lovely elegy. BUT…)
i.
Said the Chef, “I’ve a very large ham
Which I’m anxious to show you, Madame.
Though I’m most at my best
With a plump bit of breast,
And I do like to chowder a clam!”
Now, the Chef was a very nice guy.
‘Twas a meal that he meant, and no lie.
He was truly bereft
When she slapped him and left,
And he still doesn’t understand why.
ii.
Mr. Cruz: Both your Green Eggs and Ham
Down your mis’rable throat I should cram
For making a game
Of my credit and name.
Respectfully yours… Uncle Sam.
The man was a terrible ham,
Whose movie career was a sham.
But he did get one part.
His role: Cut a fart.
He stunk, but went out with a blam!!
His mother baked a lovely ham
And served it with some candied yam.
But he, like a bull,
Was incorrigible,
Said he’d prefer some toast and jam.
My Missus is roasting a ham
That once was our pet pig Sam
Who was fresh out of luck
When hit by a truck
So waste not, want not’s the plan.
Yul B. was encouraged to ham
It up as the King of Siam.
Deb’rah Kerr rolled her eyes,
Cut poor Yul down to size:
His accent was slapstick, a sham.
The twins, each a terrible ham,
Amused passersby from their pram.
Their long suff’ring nurse
Sounded sweet, and then terse:
Boys, clothes on this instant! [Yes, ma’am.]
The banquet had chicken, beef, ham
But nary a coldcut, nor Spam.
Thank heaven, some class!
Til plump Greg scratched his ass —
And on it the door was let slam.
She chose a mouth-watering ham,
Inviting her parents and gram
To her first home-cooked meal.
It was quite a big deal:
Yum!? Ham stuffed with capers and jam.
In those ads, “Captain Kirk” ‘s such a ham
But well paid (?) to cavort for the cam-
Era. Such a shame
Shatner’s fat — due to fame?
You were so handsome once, William :^o
Dinner at “Got Yer Goat”
They ordered mashed taters with ham
But soon heard the kitchen door slam.
A wait: funny taste?
Diner motto: no waste!
Their livestock is now short one ram.
They served trout, prime rib, tasty ham
Aboard the long luxury tram.
In the Alps ’twas suspended
Until it upended,
Their plunge ending in (splat). Oh, damn.
These “Friars” are roasting a ham.
Hurling insults, with clam after clam.
All these Jews sure amuse,
With their biting sharp shmooze.
Funny treif for their comedy jam.
Poor Irish were missing pink ham.
In New York, with no hope for lamb.
Jews seeing their grief,
Suggested “Corned Beef?”
Now a U.S. Saint Paddy’s Day scam.
* Here in the U.S, sure, but you’ll never find what we consider “Corned Beef” in Ireland, that’s for damn sure.
I thought Cruz a bit of a ham
Because he attempted to ram
(By making the news)
The Tea Party’s views
Down throats, sans the biscuits and jam.
The Senator’s selling flimflam…
Are you not offended? I am.
He’s cost us a lot,
And finished he’s not,
’cause nihilists don’t give a damn.
A young man who roasted a ham
Sent it by air to Siam
A product of York
It resembled roast pork
As depicted by our friend Charles Lamb
A woman was roasting a ham
When her gas stove went off with a blam!
With a flash and a roar
She got blown through a door.
Now she’s caught in a bit of a jamb.
I’d rather a bowlful of Ham-
burger Helper, and slices of Spam
Than dine (and grow lean)
On La Nouvelle Cuisine,
Where the portions weigh barely a gram!
I once had a home in East Ham,
But I found it too far from the tram.
I thought it was best
That I move further West…
Because “Easter Ham” sounds like a sham.
(I regret this one, but I’m posting it anyway.)
Ron Weasley ate far too much ham.
So much of the stuff did he cram
That he farted all night.
Pity poor Harry’s plight:
He’s the Prisoner of Ass-Kablam!
TWO OLD TESTAMENT LIMERICKS
i.
Up the mountain went old Abraham
With Isaac in lieu of a lamb.
G_d, staying his hand,
Said, “You misunderstand:
I just want you to upgrade my Ram!”
ii.
(Out-of-competition; rhyme word last)
So why is pork treyf (or haram,
as it’s known to the sons of Islam)?
On the ark long ago,
When the food stores ran low,
Noah’s family kept nibbling Ham.
A woman was roasting a ham
That was touted by Internet spam.
The oven was loaded;
The damn thing exploded.
From now on, she’s sticking with lamb.
Wow, Will Laughlin! That third verse is hard to top, even with something Biblical, to wit:
Noah’s first mate, his son Ham,
Could help him through many a jam,
Like completing the ark,
‘Ere the gopher would bark
To signal God’s final exam.
A new bride thought she’d roasted a ham
Which the in-laws were waiting to cram
So after sitting to dine
With a nice glass of wine
They found mutton dressed up as lamb.
Errol Flynn was another big ham
And as Robin Hood known as The Ram
In sex he did revel
This Tasmanian Devil
Until he f….d himself into a jam.
Neil Armstrong tried roasting a ham
But when finished it tasted like spam
And after sampling it’s juice
He used the excuse
“It was just one small step for man.”
A Scottish lady while roasting a ham
Decided to share a wee dram
With polite Johnny Walker
Who proceeded to pork her
But afterwards said, “Thanks Maam.”
A woman was serving a ham
To Gomer who hollered, “Shazam!
Like Yertle the Turtle,
This hog haunch is myrtle!
Hey, ma’am, I’m not Sam I Am, damn!”
I’m a poet, a bit of a ham,
Though my sonnets aren’t worth but a damn.
I spend much of my time
Finding words that will rhyme.
Am I heedful of meter? Iamb.
Portnoy while warming a ham
Prior to giving it a slam
Said, “These days using liver
No more makes me quiver
Plus no satisfaction from Spam.”
A woman had roasted a ham.
But she’d sprayed on way too much Pam.
When she pulled out the tray
And her one wrist gave way,
That ham hit the floor with a slam.Damn!
David Bowie excelled as a ham.
With the band he would kick out the jam,
Singing “Suffragette City,”
And no it ain’t pretty,
Yelling wham and then bam, “Thank You Ma’am!”
A burglar was stealing a ham
At a deli which sold spam and jam
So he started to crunch
As he had missed lunch
But the cops came and he had to scram
After a nice piece of ham
To the deli I went on the tram
And on the way back
The conductor so slack
Said “Your porker is causing a jam.”.
I once took a pink slab of ham
And pushed it around in a pram.
Nice people came peeking,
Then ran away, shrieking…
You think that I’m crazy? I am.
My gramps is forever a ham
He drops trou and rocks out to a jam.
So last night he’s on Skype
(And I don’t mean to gripe)
But he maybe should turn off his cam.
A woman was roasting her ham
In a land were they simply love spam
She toasted her bun
Asleep in the sun
It glows like a pineapple sauced yam
A woman was roasting her ham
In a land were they simply love spam
She toasted her bun
Asleep in the sun
It glows like a mango sauced yam
A woman was roasting a ham
To serve to her new husband’s fam
Her mate started groanin’
“Our last name is Cohen!
You shiksas just don’t give a damn!”
A thief who made off with a ham
Got into a big legal jam
At the lift of the gavel
He said”Have ham will travel”
And the court-house door closed with a slam.
A piglet was destined for ham
But saved by a roving-eye cam;
Little Sam, loving porker,
Became a New Yorker :)
In favor of pigs’ rights? I am.
Young Lou, irrepressible ham,
Was told by his teacher to scram;
He refused to be squelched
(She complained that he belched),
And triumphantly aced his exam.
Deb labored o’er Thanksgiving ham,
Had invited her boisterous fam-
Ily to partake
Followed by lemon cake.
Gobble, roar! (Dishes? No.) Front door — slam.
Next door, Eve cooked her own luscious ham.
Family members knew, don’t mess with Gram:
“NO one leaves til the dishes
Are done!” Grandma’s wishes
Were law: They’d not risk “You there, scram!”
A lady had just baked a ham,
Which was swiped by a crook on the lam.
He was found by the cops,
Still licking his chops.
Now he’s back hearing jail gates go slam.
A woman was roasting a ham
At a celebrity fete in Siam.
Her jibes on the stage
Caused considerable rage,
And the slammed ham whammed her with a yam.
(I claim an EST exemption, since EDT is a capricious fabrication.)
The new Chef was roasting a ham
From his recipe book in Vietnam
So the new Menu’s hog
Which replaces the dog
And next week he’ll change it to Spam
Though it’s quaint to read Green Eggs and Ham
On the Senate floor into the cam,
Mr Cruz, I would quarrel
You quite missed the moral:
Fools are forked in the end. ~ Sam-I-Am
Not ALL make the cut as a ham,
Says my dad — some just don’t have the stam:
“Being 80, still cooking,
Supremely good looking
And sharp proves this ham ain’t a sham!”
That proctologist’s really a ham.
He remarked to a patient named Sam,
“The digital age
May be all the rage,
But for men not the digital exam.”
CHARLOTTE’S REVENGE
The spiderweb read, simply: HAM.
Farmer Zuckerman muttered, “Hot damn!”
And boiled Wilbur in cider.
Don’t piss off a spider,
Or you’re in one hell of a jam.
Kim Jong Un is not into ham
But eats dog whenever he can
Also partial to cat
And would eat more of that
If the fur balls weren’t Ad Nauseam
A man was a terrible ham
He tasted like fermented clam.
But to the natives that boiled him
Nothing recoiled’em;
They just rubbed on a lot of grape jam.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 137
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Truck