Limerick Fix (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow got into a fix…*
or
A fellow was trying to fix…*
or
A woman who needed a fix…*
or
A man who demands a quick fix…*
(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Fix
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow got into a fix
After betting on rather poor picks.
Not casinos or horses—
I’m talking divorces;
He married four henpecking chicks.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Betting Humor, Competition Limerick, Divorce Humor, Gambling Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Marriage Verse, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
I have not met a man I could fix,
Though they all come with damage and tics.
So I’m done with that lot,
And will fashion a bot
Using dildos and tiny, toy bricks.
A baker was trying to fix
His “creation” with various tricks.
Adding sugar and yeast,
with no help in the least,
In the end he just used a “cake mix.”
A man who demands a quick fix
Is told by his honey nix nix
It’s time for a nap
Stop being a sap
Whack your stick on a pile of bricks.
A woman who needed a fix
Walked the street while plying for tricks
She got caught by a cop
Who told her to stop
Then cuffed her with several quick clicks.
A fellow was trying to fix
A gas engine making loud ticks.
He lit up a smoke
The end was no joke.
There are much better ways to get kicks.
A woman who needed a fix
For her shopping addiction real quick,
Found internet shopping
A high never stopping!
She’s sated with just a few clicks!
A fellow got into a fix
When he got caught performing tricks
Rather dirty
And a bit flirty
He just liked giving out licks
Some doctors were trying to fix
A young man who was born with two dicks
In the end, all these geniuses
Let him keep BOTH his penises
Which added more spice to the mix….
My broker got into a fix
By touting some dubious picks.
Then he went off the track,
And I cut him no slack,
When he started some Ponzi-like tricks.
A fellow got into a fix
after quite a few computer clicks
that led him astray
He spent the whole day
looking at 1920s nude pix
His wife then just happened by
and saw them and let out a sigh
“I just can’t compete
with that bare ancient meat.”
So she punched hubby right in the eye
A fellow was trying to fix,
the meter in his limericks,
he then had a thought,
“It would sound better, Scott,
if you stopped adding line number six.”
The porn star wound up in a fix
With a Harry, three Toms, and two Dicks.
Seems she tried to add Kevin
And satisfy seven
But failed, so her record’s still six.
Another trip to the dark side:
The mechanic was called on to fix
The chandler’s machine that made wicks.
The strings were so long
They resembled a schlong,
A taboo for the owner, Sam Dix.
A jockey took part in a fix.
He’d hold back his horse in the sticks.
Causing odds to run high,
Then he’d let that horse fly,
And profit from gambling hicks.
A fellow was trying to fix,
His love life with various tricks.
Rather than stew,
He altered his queue,
And added Rom-Coms to Netflix.
A woman who needed a fix
Decided to flash nudie pix.
But it all backfired.
In a state unattired,
Even her dealer said “NIX!”
A young fellow was trying to fix
A new keyboard to type short porn flix
With just a few keys
The first picked were these:
# 2 SPACE @ 1 END (That’s just six!)
But for even less keys he did strive
And in keeping his vast search alive
He thought, “Less is more.”
The next set in store?
ENTER END 2 # : (Down to five!)
He was sure he could tweak it some more
So he worked cuttinhg keys to the core
In refining his list
Found this tiniest twist
ENTER BACKSPACE & # (That makes four!)
But then when he sought to refine
The keys that he’d need to design
His shortest script yet
Found his favorite set
JUst 3 simple keys: 6 D 9!
I know that the whole group of you
Is thinking there’s one more to do
To speak about hosin’
The way that I’ve chosen
To end with I’ll just use F U
A tatooist was hoping to fix
His website, to beef up his clicks.
Would changing the name,
Bring him more fame?
So what about “Colorful Pricks?”
A fellow was trying to fix
A time with a girl who turned tricks;
She said, “Don’t come late,
Or you might create
Some tricks turning into a mix.”
A woman got into a fix,
Accosted while out in the sticks,
But found she could send
A means to an end –
Works well, when one kicks against pricks.
As I pressed ‘Submit’ I realised that last line should have been:
Works well, when one kicks against pricks.
Note from Mad Kane: I fixed it for you. :)
The fellow was in a real fix;
He’d proposed to three or four chicks.
He gave it some thought,
And decided he ought
To enlist and go to Ft. Dix.
A woman who thought she needed a fix…
Devised ways to make her looks slick
Hoped for some money
But did not get any
Despite being dressed as a pretty chick
Hank
A fellow got into a fix
Trying to teach his dog some new tricks
His canine named Rover
Refused to roll over
And seemed totally blind to thrown sticks
A woman who tried to affix
All her hopes to a series of clicks
Went online for a date
And met guys who seemed great
But in real life turned out to be dicks.
Old TV addicts needing a fix
Will often watch Route 66.
That ‘vette crossed the miles
While Milner, as Stiles,
Found adventure way out in the sticks.
The Cheese got into a fix
When driving to work from the sticks
Water rushed onto the road
Hitting like a full load
Of a semi truck filled brimful with bricks
A fellow was trying to fix
A clock that he’d bought in the sticks
The cuckoo worked fine
But it told the wrong time
Not unknown for a clock with no ticks.
i hope that man gets a fix
though it’s odd how he gets his kicks
he’s a sad sort of fellow
all blue and yellow
until he eats him some raw cake mix
The Prez’s hired henchmen would fix
News reports, and some files would “deep six.”
Hold on, please. Feel calmer.
I don’t mean Obama.
Those transgressions were old Tricky Dick’s.
A woman who needed a fix..
resorted to tricks..
but then found a man..with dix..
that wasn’t a prix..
Instead there was life..
where there was no longer death..
Living prix to prick a soul..
instead of dix
to soothe the pain of life..
gathered together to create..
a soul for everlasting…
life for now as one…
the sacred dick.
a fellow got into a fix
take some inappropriate pix
they traced his phone
and raided his home
now he’s among other convicts
Decided to do a little research on a familiar name, which led me to this:
An author whose name was Jim Fixx
Dropped dead ’cause he wouldn’t say “Nix!”
He ran though his heart
Was enlarged from the start,
And was clogged, ’cause cholesterol sticks.
The dog got into a fix.
Worrying about cat tricks.
The ends are armed, five!
Guess right to stay alive.
Bandages the mistakes do fix.
A daredevil got in a fix
Because breakfast and highways don’t mix.
Now the poor guy is dead
And his epitaph read:
“Got his Kix® out on Route 66.”
The Rolling Stones liked to affix
Their signature styles to their licks.
Those were Keith’s on guitar
That were better by far,
But the ones pleasing women were Mick’s.
A fellow was trying to fix
The chicken he’d bought was just sticks
But he aimed to impress
A chick in a red dress
Who’d come over for dinner at six.
the man who demands a quick fix
ends up with much more than licks
slapping his face
reveals his disgrace
he thinks twice if a beaing with sticks
THE THREE LITTLE PIGS
Pig One’s in a terrible fix:
Lost his home (made of hay-and-straw mix)
When a Wolf wandered by
With a gleam in his eye,
And blew the house down just for kicks.
Pig Two had no time to affix
The mezuzah to *his* house (of sticks)
When the Wolf came to town
And he blew the house down…
(He was up to his usual tricks).
Said the Third Pig, “This problem I’ll fix
By building my house out of bricks.”
But the Wolf (Bad and Big)
Just foreclosed on the pig
And moved on to Pigs Four, Five and Six.
My cat often gets in a fix;
He got crushed by a pile of bricks,
He got burned in a fire,
And squished by a tire –
I think his nine lives are at six.
A gal got a surgical fix;
Now her bust size exceeds thirty-six.
They lifted her ass more
So now she can pass for
That proverbial house made of bricks.
Cried the madam, “Well, we’re in a fix:
Of eight clients, you’ve scared away six.
You pull a live bunny
Right out of your… Honey,
You’re turning the wrong kind of tricks!”
Roger Ailes cried, “Please somebody, fix
This FAX machine. Something there sticks.”
You can fix the Fox FAX,
But a much better tack’s
To fix the faux facts that Fox picks.
A fan-dancer got in a fix
And ran like a cat on hot bricks
‘Cuz when she dropped her fan
Someone cried “She’s a man”
And that was the end of her tricks.
A man who demands a quick fix
(We’re talking down south in the sticks)
May ask for a “Hoover” —
A simple maneuver
Sounds cleaner than what it depicts.
A magician I know gets a fix
From salacious illusions he picks.
It’s an X-rated show,
So you probably know
He’s accused of performing dirty tricks.
“You’ve really put me in a fix!”
“I’m better than you — take your licks!”
“So you’re queen of the muffs?…
Lose the catsuit and cuffs,
Then we’ll SEE if you dominate tricks.”
Writing verse—my hebdomadal “fix”!
So—Pluto’s fifth moon is the Styx.
It’s small. (Is it stygian??)
Some more trivia—a smidgen!
“The third Pluto moon is the Nix.”
A fellow got into a fix
On rising, quite hungry, at six.
To cook he’d not learnt
So his fry-up was burnt.
(He breakfasted on Weetabix.)
For a rhyme I was stumped—in a fix!
Then hubby said, “Why not use ‘Vicks’?
Make a joke: Vic won’t mind!”
—This I penned, to be kind
But written down, it don’t work (‘less you’re hicks)
Bernanke is trying to fix
The economy, which he predicts
Will keep going sideways
Unless they provide ways
To goose it with stimulus tricks.
The BLS puts out their fix
On the payrolls of all (except hicks)
On the first-of-month Friday,
Which may be a high day
In Treasuries, stocks or the VIX.
When the doctor is called on to fix
Abrasions and fractures and nicks,
As the saying proclaims,
They ain’t caused by names
But more so by stones and by sticks.
Said a guy who was hoping to fix
Some dates with some beautiful chicks:
“It hasn’t occurred
As much for this nerd
As Hollywood often depicts.”
A woman decided to fix
Some rolls with a Pillsbury mix:
“With help from the Doughboy
I’ll bring home a po’ boy
Who likes to eat cake, just for kicks.”
It’s difficult trying to fix
A partition of mortar and bricks,
But it’s no cinch at all
To fix up a wall
Of limericks, comments and clicks.
Proserpina got into a fix:
Pluto dragged her to Hades, for kicks.
For nine months’ stretch of days
On Olympus she stays.
For the rest, she moves out to the Styx.
A matchmaker needed a fix
When the matches she made didn’t mix.
So she set up online
And now business is fine:
Every match is a couple that clicks.
I put it off, now I’m in a fix
Just writing limericks to get my kicks
But still I’m not hurried
and yet I’m not worried
Perhaps I’ll be saved by an apocalypse
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 132.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Rap.