Limerick Pair (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow who needed a pair…*
or
A woman was eating a pear…*
or
A fellow was feeling despair…*
or
A fellow was trying to pare…*
or
A woman was buying a pair…*
or
A fellow who tried to repair…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Pair
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A woman who needed a pair
Of sandals was walking on air:
She’d found comfy ones — cheap!
But then thought she might weep:
Someone snared the last pair by a hair.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Money Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Sandals Humor, Shopping Limerick, Writing Prompts
A fellow was feeling despair
Chose his numbers with greatest of care
For the Lottery draw
Saying: “Lord, I’m so poor—
Please make me a millionaire!”
A fellow in trying to pare
His paperwork caused a great scare
He built a huge pyre
In the yard, soon afire!
For this sort of thing, he’d a flare …
A woman was buying a pair
Of (she thought) a rare Sheraton chair
She was conned. To be savvy at
The sales, emptor caveat!
The buyer, in truth, should beware.
A fellow who needed a pair,
(His had shrunk, in his wife’s angry glare!)
Was resolved to save face,
And put her in her place,
In his mind. But out loud? Au contraire.
A fellow was eating a pear,
In a manner he deemed debonair:
With a lilt to the wrist.
(He soon had to desist,
When the whole cell block started to stare.)
A student was feeling despair
French Lit made him writhe in his chair
Asterix (the Gaul)
Might have held him in thrall
But not complex works by Voltaire.
A woman was eating a pear
Whilst completing her health questionnaire
She had illness acute
Which is strange—to this fruit
Allergic reactions are rare
Her parents are in deep despair
The student has much to prepare
Top grades were predicted!
But alas, she’s addicted
To Candy Crush, Angry Birds and Solitaire …
The CFO was in despair
Despite all his skill brought to bear
However he’d sum it
Their profits? A plummet!
And slashed were the earnings per share
A fellow who’d tried to repair
His publicly worn underwear
Muttered, “How people stare!
It must be my fine pair…
Of shoes, ‘cuz my a** isn’t bare!”
{Hi, Mad :) }
A fellow who had a brass pair
Of testicles started to swear:
“It’s real damn annoying,
The heft they’re employing!
Must they clang when I walk around bare?”
His PR team’s in flat despair
He won’t take a brush to his hair
He’s influenced by Horace
The eccentric, blond Boris!
Our next PM? Now London’s Mayor.
Will the South Rise Again?
A fellow was feeling despair
Over losing his last strands of hair
But declined a toupee
(At least during the day).
After dark, he tried varied headwear
Including hat, scarf, and bandanna.
One night, murmured *She*, “I’m a fan a’
The usage of Nair:
My, you have a nahs pair
Of ears!…but down there, are you tann-uh?”
[Her name explained much: sweet Savannah,
A somewhat naive urban plann-uh.]
“Would you like to find out?
I live just down the route!”
…They explored in a southernly mann-uh.
A fellow tried feeling a pair
Of breasts, on another guy’s dare,
The lady in question,
Balked, with suggestion,
“Of my hubby, you’d best beware!”
A woman who had quite a pair
Also boasted a nice derrière
She enjoyed strong libations
And had low expectations….
The answer to every guy’s prayer!
He lustily craves his au pair.
The question, will “Wife even care?”
Why, those two are cozy,
And often quite rosy.
He asks her, she answers, “Let’s share!”
A woman was eating a pear
It’s organic she’s always aware.
It cannot be sprayed,
GMOs she forbade,
For toxins are now everywhere.
A fellow set out to repair
His shabby overstuffed chair
He stretched the fabric taut
Then cried out “Great Scott”
It no longer looks worse for the wear!
a man was paring a pear
at the local county fair
he lopped off a piece
that fell into the grease
and ended as fried country fare
A fellow tried to repair
The shoe of a champion mare.
The horse gave a kick
And the shoe it did stick
In the fellow’s now sore derriere.
A woman was eating a pear
In front of a huge polar bear
The bear was caged in glass,
Gave a look that said kiss my ass.
While the gal gave a stare that said “I don’t care.”
A fellow who needed a pair
Of aces for the pot to snare
Instead pulled a queen
And departed the scene
A loser and broke in despair.
Hi Mad, love the way yours rhymes!
A fellow who needed a pair
Of glasses to see up the stair
Went out of his mind
And thought he was blind
When he lost his specs down the chair
A woman, so shaped like a pear
was carrying a cute teddy bear
Some men were quite crass
with calls like “nice ass”
to which she replied, “grow a pair!”
A lady with a righteous pair
travelled first class in the air
She replied to some schlub
about the Mile High Club
“I doubt you could afford the fare”
A doc in an auto repair
Had a car that required no care.
Seems he’d pondered a lot
On a proverb and thought
A physician could heal himself there.
A fellow was trying to pare
Some fruit at the Zoo (for the bear)
But the bear tried to grapple
His juicy pine-apple
Inadvertently fondling his pair
A fellow was feeling despair
about his sweet lady, so fair
he doffed her brassiere
and whispered a cheer
till she said “No way, pal, down there!”
“Oh, come on, said his wife. “Grow a pair!”
And she gave him a furious glare.
He stammered, “But Eve —
(Don’t get mad!) — I believe
It’s an *apple* you’re handing me there.”
Oh, doom! Sorrow! Gloom and despair!
Let the world end today — I don’t care;
For I’m already late
For a very hot date,
And I’m fresh out of clean underwear!
Hmm. A limerick ending in “pair”…
What paired body organs are there?
There’s *these*…
…………and there’s *those*…
And there’s *them*, I suppose…
Meh. Lips, nostrils or ears. I don’t care.
When asked why he dated a pair,
The bowler said “Don’t be a square:
My sex drive’s too much
For one girl so, as such,
I will frequently pick up a spare.”
A woman was wearing a pair
Of trousers that made people stare.
The way they were cut
Didn’t flatter her but,
The legs had that ’70s flare.
A woman was trying to pare
Her closet of cute clothes to wear,
For since she’s retired
They won’t be required
(Unless she begins an affair.)
Her torso is shaped like a pear,
She’s okay with that; doesn’t care!
If she were the shape
Of an apple or grape
Then that would be too much to bare.
They make quite a desperate pair
and now Will has sired an heir
Chuck and his son in a tiz
‘cuz it seems Queen Liz
has no plans to go anywhere!
correction: line 4… “in” should be “it”
Note from Mad Kane: I fixed it for you.
Will and Harry, that brotherly pair
Have one thing that surely they share
Their genetic luck
they descended from Chuck
so maybe they won’t lose their hair
Some body parts come in a pair
While others, we’ve only one there.
With buttocks a brace,
Why only one face?
Oh and two *something else* would be fair.
A quantum mechanical pair
Entangled, wave function to share.
“It’s spooky,” said Einstein,
“For an action in mein Stein
To appear in your beer over there.”
Would Albert have suffered despair
With the Aspect Experiment where
Distant quanta were tied
As if side by side?
I think he’d be pulling his hair.
He’d call for some physics repair.
Quantum theory would make him declare,
“Herr Planck, what you started
Leaves me broken hearted,
But my E is still m times c-square.”
A woman was buying a pair
Of shoes that her dear spouse could share;
You expected high heels,
Maybe something with wheels?
Staid blue bedroom slippers: despair.
A fellow was feeling despair.
He was stuck on a questionnaire.
But salvation was leaked.
At the next desk he peeked.
And now he’s getting somewhere.
A fellow who needed a pair
Of glasses received quite a scare.
He sought comfort, a broad:
His search (local) was flawed
As, chagrined, faced his *wife’s* knowing glare
Which surprisingly changed to a grin.
“We had sex in ’05, did me in!
But time’s passing us by,
Why not give things a try?
Let me take you in hand…” [*His wife’s twin.]
A woman was eating a pear
Took pride in her dieting fare
Took a little
A few nibbles
Ended up like a thin old mare
Hank
A ventriloquist not in despair
Was asked by a passer-by where
His voice had projected
In ways unexpected
His reply was “I don’t really care”.
Gambling on a Gambol
A woman was eating a pear:
Randy teens gathered nearby to stare.
“Didja see all that fruit?
She’s got cherries to boot!”
She strolled past with an unconcerned air.
Her three suitors trekked closely behind;
She sighed, “I just want to unwind –
I attract all the nuts!
But I DO like their butts…
It’s been weeks since that four of a kind.”
A young botanist would cry in despair
When his wife said he couldn’t compare
With past lovers by half.
When he cried, she would laugh
And suggest that he should grow a pair!
The pilot and co-pilot pair;
Their relationship’s up in the air.
Have to keep them apart,
Or the feuding will start.
There is just too much turbulence there.
“The national budget I’ll pare,”
Said Dubya, who used lots of flair.
“It makes lots of sense
To cut our defense.
Change the Pentagon into a square!”
“My feet are quite large; what a pair!”
“Size fourteen AA,” he would blare.
“To find shoes in my size
Is like winning a prize.
That’s not a small feat,” he’d declare.
The poet just wailed with despair,
“This Lim’rick-Off game isn’t fair.
I submitted my verse.
Every other is worse.
Yet I’ll lose because to the anonymous judges somehow it just doesn’t compare.”
I smiled, Fred: don’t sink to despair –
Mad’s contest’s still up in the air.
But what a LONG week!
(I know of what you speak.)
At least MadKane judges with flair :^D
Poor Melanie was in despair
Of jeans she didn’t like to wear.
She couldn’t abide
That they made her look wide.
“Instead of dis, I’ll wear dat pair.”
With road rage, you’ll hear: “Grow a pair!”
Or “Get in my face if you dare!”
But watch him go silent,
Turn passive, nonviolent,
On receiving his wife’s frosty stare.
A question for Patrice of the ManyCats:
Do your felines practice quantum entanglement, and, if so, does Schroedinger observe them during the activity thereby changing the outcome?
See Quantum Story for an appropriate limerick.
A fellow who tried to repair
A couch that had seen too much wear
got the job done so wrong
that he claimed, “All along
I was planning to make it a chair.”
While hiking, an ill-fated pair
Discover a big grizzly’s lair.
They have made a mistake,
‘Cause the grizzly’s awake.
And the outcome is too much to bear.
His emotion soon turned to despair
As he matted the photo with care.
His toupee, it fell off,
And I hope you won’t scoff
At the outcome: His own matted hair.
“With houseflies I never despair,”
Announced clever woman named Claire.
How’d she keep them away?
“It is simple,” she’d say.
“The reason? I’ve fly-away hair.”
Kirk Miller should never despair,
Ideas galore from thin air;
I howled, but refrain
[It just goes against the grain]
From hopes he wins for puns SO fair :D
A girl with a very nice pair
Had a penchant for fine underwear
Black stockings and lace
Put a smile on her face
She could get any guy anywhere.
Celebrating the year of “the pair”
He travelled the whole globe by air.
Now the girls in Djibouti
Weren’t lacking in beauty
But in France they were simply “trop cheres”.
A fellow was feeling despair
About his diminishing hair
Then he happened into
A “bald is sexy” chat room
And now he spends all his time there
A woman was eating a pear
When somebody asked her to share
So she shook her head first
Then dug right in her purse
And pulled out a huge bottle of Nair.
Search with care if you dare research Cher
And prepare to see Cher’s pair aired bare
Because Cher shares her pair
Anytime anywhere
Google “Cher’s bare pair”. I swear they’re there.
A fellow who had a young pair,
Of koalas in labor (sans hair),
Found them wobbly: he would,
Hold them up, but he could,
Barely bear to bear bare bears to bear.
A woman forebore to despair
Over her chic pared-down pair.
It’s great wearing no bra,
These are genuine: Ha!
Plus there’s more circulation of air.
Adam was hiding a pair
Of Aces in his pubic hair;
When a breeze raised his leaf,
To which Eve cried, “Good grief!
“There’s more than your joker down there!”
A woman was trying to pair
Her friends up: success, though, was rare.
When Aaron left Jill
For Danielle, jilting Bill,
The matchmaker questioned the err-
Or of her technique: specialize?
To service both genders seemed wise.
If I only were paid,
Even by getting laid!
Perhaps I’ll “reserve” all the guys.
So she wheedled, cajoled, used persuasion
Adapted to suit each occasion
Which did take some doing!
Supplemented by screwing
The taxman (a lithe, handsome Asian).
A poll worker tried to repair
Her hair dryer, blowing hot air
Just like most Repubs
[Coulter, Limbaugh, ol’ Dubs]:
Replacement is needed – with care.
No doubt he was sporting a pair
Of winners, when you looked down there.
Eye catching, unbound
As they dragged on the ground…
Terrence, tie your shoelaces; I swear!
Now Adam with his hidden pair
Was a bit of a card toutin’ lair
Said Eve “If you’re able
Lay your cards on the table
And then I’ll be sure you play fair”.
A fellow who was in despair
From losing most all of his hair
Got arrested applying
A cream he was buying
On his balls at Walmart then and there
You’ve heard it before, “Grow a pair”
But that is a bit doctrinaire.
And though they are gruesome
You do have a twosome.
You don’t need more balls hanging there.
A gal had a marvelous pair
Of breasts, which she flashed without care.
It’s tempting to mock her;
Tattooed on one knocker
Is an “X.” It’s the cross she must bare.
A fellow who needed a pair
to go with eights already there
was dealt dead-man’s aces
versus more royal faces
fit the wild wild West’s wildest star.
I’m enjoying that old hippie pair,
How they dance with such passion and flair!
Dancing right through the night,
Shocking those too uptight,
And ignoring the ones who just stare.
Keep your humour and please don’t despair
When you start losing your hair
And some ape with a grin
Says,”Your hairs getting thin”
Come back with,”Who wants fat hair?”
They say we’re a peach of a pair
Me and my wife (or who’s there).
It could be my wife
But I’ve got a life
And after all, fair’s only fair.
You sound like a dubious pair
It smacks of the Musical chair
This cavalier “life”
Will lead you to strife
This prophet of doom doth declare.
For parents who try to “repair”
Their kids’ preferences, beware:
Handedness, sex,
May be different or vex –
But it’s THEIR lives, so give ’em some air.
You say you can’t do that? I wonder.
They run when your temper’s like thunder;
If candor’s offputting,
Your mouths should be shutting –
It’s more than mere parental blunder
To dictate that they live as you do.
You act like they’re practicing voodoo!
They’ll grow up one day;
Never heard from, you say?
Connect that! Declare that I’m rude? Do.
Drunken driving will always impair
your perception of getting here or there.
It’s a big hullabaloo,
when a policeman stops you,
and you act like you’re walking on air.
comment and hear recording on Drunken Driving Limerick
A woman began to prepare
For a trip she was taking by air.
To help with the clothes
She would pack, first she chose
To be humbled on “What Not To Wear”.
Two or three beers won’t impair
My limerick writing, so there.
The typing gets tricky
But if you’re not picky
You wont notice the ocassional errr.
She feels she’s in dire disrepair –
Just a year or two older than Cher
And she’s starting to need
Reading glasses to read,
Plus on Friday she found a grey hair!
Let nothing your spirits impair!
Keeping dark hair for years is quite rare.
Over forties’ attrition
Means trip to optician!
Presbyopia looms … c’est la guerre …
A woman tried buying a pair
Of earrings just right for her hair
Long ones that dangle?!
Hoops that won’t tangle?!
Life’s decisions are too hard to bear!
Said a man who employed an au pair
Who resembled a big grizzly bear:
“My kids dissed their Granny
And many a nanny.
I need someone who’ll give ’em a scare!”
He quickly went into despair
As he slid his old fellow in there
For her box was quite chilly
And freezing his willy
Not to mention the frost on his pair.
An old man who was deep in despair
Felt old age hadn’t treated him fair
He recalled in his prime
His willy was fine
But now acts like it doesn’t care.
An Octogenarian is now in despair
Because of his wrinkled old pair
If I don’t miss my guess
With half an inch less
He’d just have a hole down there.
A Bartlett and Bosc, what a pair
Of fruit for your pie, if you dare?
Or instead, bake a tart.
Enter both if you’re smart,
As your fare for this year’s country fair.
At a restaurant beyond compare
Escargots and the wine being there
Champignons and hors d’oevres
To settle your nerves
Cause the filet mignon was too rare.
Pat wanted to grow a pair
Of pears for the Cork County Fair
He planted them deep
and sang them to sleep
And his were the biggest pair there.
(or PG for my blog)
Will wanted to grow a pear
To show at the York County fair
To his lasting credit
He watered and fed it
And his was the biggest pear there
Our cheeks always come in a pair
On the sides of our face (or elsewhere)
But to punctuate humour
(Or scurrilous rumour)
We’ve only one tongue to put there.
A fastidious English au pair
With a family who lived in Bel Air
Told the handyman, Paul,
That his tool was too small:
“In love,” she said, “awl is not fair.”
At the garden, an amorous pair
Would attract the odd giggle and glare,
But the cop on the beat, he
Directed discreetly
To please book a room over there.
If you happen to see a nice pair,
Take care not to stammer and stare,
Or say things you oughtn’t;
And please, it’s important
To keep your eyes here and not there.
Asked a curious Frenchman: “Mon père,
Tell me, what did you do in La Guerre?”
“I’d wait in my trench
Till the Boche beat the French,
Then I served them some wine and Gruyere.”
The guidebook suggested I pair
My capers & lox with Sancerre,
Unless there’s a schmier,
In which case a beer
Would properly match fruits de mer.
Every Tuesday, the crime-fighting pair
Would be trapped in a villainous lair,
O’er a cauldron so hot,
As the devious plot
Was revealed as they hung in the air.
Then the villain with laughter depraved,
Would depart as he gleefully waved,
And the fighters of crime
Would have enough time
To escape so the day could be saved.
If you’re going to bet on your pair
You’ll need another down there.
But just being tough
Won’t help with your bluff.
Have aces in your pubic hair.
Revising an earlier one:
They say we’re a peach of a pair
Me and my wife (or who’s there).
It could be my wife
But I’ve got a life
After all, affair’s only fair.
She had a beautiful inflated pair
Before Silicon ever was there
Now they’re in disrepair
And she’s in despair
For the bloody things ran out of air.
A fellow who needed a pair
to stand up to his mad lady fair
instead changed his cell number
and times of work and slumber
ensuring he was never there.
A woman who had an old pair
of mousetraps to protect her lair
asked her boyfriend to prime
and each mistimed snap in time
made her glad it weren’t her fingers there.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners:
Limerick of the Week 127
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Toll
A Podiatrist was starting to pare
The corns on a blonde so fair
But got quite a shock
When he saw neath the mini-frock
Two balls and a bunch of black hair.