Limerick Play (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow would frequently play…*
or
A woman had written a play…*
or
A woman suspected foul play…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Play
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A pianist would constantly play
Chopin waltzes at home night and day.
Then she’d turn a deaf ear
To complaints, with a sneer:
“Be grateful I don’t make you pay.”
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Chopin, Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Music Limerick, Musician Humor, Neighbors Humor, Noise Humor, Piano Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
A fellow would frequently play
The field, to his girlfriend’s dismay
So she got him a date
With a transvestite mate
And thus made him a queen, for a day
A fellow would frequently play
his ‘flute for bit of the day
He played on it well
if you heard, you could tell
that he probably never got laid
*yes, his penis*
A woman suspected foul play
as on her floor Hubby did lay.
The cops thought her guilty
But it was Uncle Milty
The cigar ashes gave him away.
A woman suspected foul play
Her current beau to her dismay
Couldn’t believe
But to her relief
Was a case of mistaken identity
Hank
A fella would frequently play
poker down Gardena way
He’d oft lose his shirt
Drag home in the dirt
Oh what his wife had to say!
A woman had written a play
You can predict what now happens, okay?
Her funds sadly lacking
She couldn’t get backing
Her script’s now in a state of decay
An actor declaimed in a play
Arm outflung, in a quite pompous way!
But was one night nonplussed—
A pork pie was thrust
In his outstretched hand—oh, his dismay!
A fellow would frequently play
The field, when his wife was away.
When found in a position
Of vigorous coition,
She buried him the very next day.
A woman suspected foul play
On discov’ring, on open display
(Well—in hubbie’s pocket…)
For perfume a docket
She’d got nothing, that Valentine’s Day!
A fisherman would frequently play
A salmon on his line in the Tay,
The Scots’ longest river
There—a trivia sliver!
(The second longest in Scotland’s the Spey.)
A woman, quite fond of sex play,
Left her boyfriend in handcuffs all day.
The sheets where he roil’d
Were inevitably soil’d
With pee, and the will to obey!
A couple engaged in sex play,
Decided to try a new way,
Since they’d had enough,
Of “the usual stuff”,
Enjoyed Kama Sutra field day.
An actress was having Yoplait
The same crap she ate every day
“The great Humphrey Bogart
“Taught me to like yogurt
“On the set of ‘Sierra Madre!'”
The children were sent out to play
As parents were frisky that day
When about to get busy
In house sauntered Lizzy
Frustration had set into lay
Hugh Hefner was a player who’d play
With Bunnies in debauchery display
Playboy turned the page
On girls one third his age
Creep is more than a song by Coldplay
A fellow would frequently play
Strip poker in a bar that was gay.
And loudly he’d voice
It’s a matter of choice.
If I’m gay and I play I should say it’s OK.
A woman had written a play
‘Bout a guy who was openly gay.
He cried with delight
When a court said he might
Now marry a guy midst the flowers of May.
A woman suspected foul play
When hubby came home break of day.
Not guilty he pled
But roaring she said.
“The G-string your wearing is a dead giveaway.”
A woman suspected foul play
As vagina was there on display
It wasn’t a scam
She dropped a webcam
That day while using her bidet
Raymond would frequently play
In waters off Chesapeake Bay
Prankster eel got cute
Yanked down his swimsuit
That’s how exposed was more-Ray
A woman had written a play
She knew that she had lots to say,
“A Doll’s House door slam,
Inspired who I am!
These issues will NOT go away!”
A woman suspected foul play
As her life-blood was ebbing away
Who had been plotting?
Why wasn’t it clotting?
Oh, for some Vitamin K!
In the bedroom a fellow would play.
With a thrust and a jab, he would splay.
Moving in for the kill,
Just before he would spill,
This matador, yells out “Olé!”
To do the Lord’s work while they play,
The ministers gardened all day.
It was hard to decide
On the right pesticide
‘Til they found the one called Lettuce Spray.
The physicist sprinted to play
In a relativistical way.
The game took a week,
But so fast did he streak
That his age changed by only a day.
A woman suspected foul play
Whenever her husband would say
I love you my dear
More each passing year
She’s certain he’s lying SOMEway…
A landlady came on foul play
In her east London pub late one day.
She’d just been to see Gable.
A man’s nailed to her table!
No doubt ’twas the bad Brothers Kray …
An organist would always play
Loud music all night and all day
His neighbor starts flippin’
And emptied a clip in
His organ. It’s limp now, they say.
The Detective suspected foul play
So he started to search for a way
To prove that his spouse
Was a two-timing louse
[Or three, four, or more, so they say]
edit
The Detective suspected foul play
So he started to search for a way
To prove that his spouse
Was a two-timing louse
[But she’s three, four, or more, so they say]
A woman has written a play
Expounding on life’s vérité*
And by stripping the skin
Back to show what’s within
She’s placed her whole heart on display
*French for truth.
A fellow would frequently play
With ladies. “I’m all”, he would say,
“The man that you need”
They’d laugh til they peed.
Li’l squirt is his new sobriquet.
A young boy was making a play
For his teacher and she had to say
Something quick to discourage
Without hurting his courage
So she said, “It’s not you–I’m just gay.”
A fellow would frequently play
Touch football with his friends all day
As QB he’d make passes
And then pat the guy’s asses
Especially the tight ends, they say
The police are suspecting foul play
In the death of a man whom they say
Was found hanging mid-air
With no clothes and no chair
Twas not very well hung [either way]
A fellow would frequently play
His guitar night and day
then came a knock
Which gave quite a shock
As he opened the door to his naked 80 year old neighbors display
There once was a man who would play
The horses, odds, field, dead, and say
That all were connected
And then, as expected,
Large, odd girls held his funeral today
A woman wrote a play
She just wanted to write away.
But all who read the script
Said they were held in a tight grip
Life was kind – she became famous right away!
If you are suggesting we play
By YOUR rules in a whimsical way
Then we all shall comply
With your MAD games and try
To amass a vast limerick display
This fellow would frequently play
With that which teen boys often say
They don’t play but they do
If they say it’s not true
They’re lying to you all the way
A fellow would frequently play
His xylophone down by the bay
If was unusual, yes
And anyone’s guess
How he hoped to make money this way
This bald fellow was starting to play
With ideas of a wig yesterday
He’s open to suggestions
And hopin’ that his questions
Are quite clear– toupee or not toupee
A woman who really liked foreplay
Told her poor lover one night, as they lay:
Learn my anatomy
So you can play with my body
Lest I leave you without any delay.
Was it Earhart who wanted to play
And flew off the earth one fine day?
Now, I worry, dear heart,
Will it happen to Gearhart?
I hope not, Jon. Have a good day.
Edmund Conti’s suggesting I play
With more limericks again and should stay
Grounded so’s that I shant
Lose my grip and they can’t
Find I’m crazy and lock me away
Jon Earhart, he’s into word-play
And flies off in every which way.
Now everyone says he
(Our Jon) is not crazy.
But he is–like a fox–I would say.
I wish I could go out and play —
Just throw my adulthood away!
It’s summer, I know,
But I wish it would snow…
(Guess I’m having That Kind of a Day).
50 SHADES OF OLD (A Longerick)
Oh, sure, it’s exciting to play
After reading that book, “… Shades of Grey”;
But the passion soon fades
When you find “50 Shades”
Means the Grey of your hair,
Or your Grey underwear;
And the Grey of the peeling
White paint on the ceiling
Reflects in her eyes
As you’re waiting to Rise
(But you can’t, as you doubt
That you took the trash out)…
…
Ahh, just throw the damn novel away.
@Rebecca:
There’s a downside for those who would play
With limericks all night and day:
Our thoughts anatomical
Quickly turn comical,
Which ruins the roll in the hay.
I’m finding it harder to play
This rhyming game, I must say
Because of Fred Bortz
I am laughing-with snorts-
At that limerick he wrote yesterday!
Some farmers are charged with fowl play:
They strangled their hens, so they say.
And why in the dickens
Would men choke their chickens?
They just couldn’t get a good lay.
A fellow would frequently play
At speaking Ig-pay Atin-lay.
But his gal took offense
When he spurned common sense
And called her an ad-bay ay-lay.
For J. Caesar in Shakespeare’s big play,
Ides of March was a murderous day.
Caesar wanted to know
Who’d delivered the blow.
So he took a wild stab, “Et tu, Bruté?”
Like a famous Shakespearian play,
Indecisive hounds sometimes will say
They don’t know what to do.
So the question they view
Is just simply: to bay or not to bay.
With just one role to fill in the play,
The director hired eight with full pay.
All the clouds way up high
Fully covered the sky.
It was quite overcast on that day.
Any yard work, to me, is not play.
To my wife words of praise I did say:
“When you’re out cutting grass,
You’re my favorite lass,
And I lawn for you mower each day.”
A young woman suspected foul play
When her ex offered money to pay
For her car wreck repairs
Almost if he still cares
Then he stole and drove it away
A young woman suspected foul play
When her ex offered money to pay
For her car wreck repairs
Almost if he still cares
Then he stole it and drove it away
Devil’s Advocate now I will play
Saw your GIRLFRIEND on 3rd Street today
Got a job selling chips
I can tell cause her lips
Never stopped as she screamed “FRITO LAY!”
SHAKESPEARE MADE STUPID
“As You Like It”‘s one heck of a play…
Let me try to describe it, OK?
There’s some kind of a garden
(The Forest of Arden)
Where Rosalind’s running away.
Now, Rosalind hatches a ploy:
She dresses herself as a boy
Pursuing the hand o’
This dude named Orlando,
His confidence thus to enjoy.
Orlando keeps trying to ply
His suit, unaware that the guy
In whom he confides
His romantic asides
Is Roz in a suit and a tie.
Then Phebe, a pastoral beauty,
Sees Roz’s faux-masculine beauty.
“Hubba hubba!” says Phebe,
“Whoever could HE be?
Whoever he is, he’s a cutie!”
So Pheb follows Roz with a plea:
“Hey, babe! Take a gander at ME!
What *am* I? Chopped liver?”
(But Roz doesn’t give her
A clue that “he”‘s really a “she”.)
Such gender confusion! Oy vey!
The trouble is, nobody’s gay!
With the ploy, and the ply,
And the plea, and… oh my:
“As You Like It”‘s one heck of a play.
With his doodle he’d frequently play
And was warned he’d go blind one day
But could not desist
Making love to his fist
Now he has a guide dog so they say.
A young lady deciding to play
Plugged in her vibrator one day
In the midst of her sport
An electrical short
Caused pubes to shoot every which way.
A Miner went to the city to play
Met a Fag and realised he was gay
So from working a sandpit
Became an arse bandit
Who is taking it every which way
A straight guy went to a stage play
With a title “Queen of the May”
Which had an effect
He didn’t expect
For by Interval found he’d turned gay.
@ Will T. Laughlin
And yet, Will, if in love you play,
Tension and passion rise like a soufflé.
A woman, remember,
Likes a light-fingered lover,
Whose love-making is a little risqué.
A woman said this of her play:
“In post-Brechtian, nihilist way
My angst I will channel.”
The critics said: “Flannel!
It’s pretentious. Affected. Très.”
a woman expected foul play
ironically during a roll in the hay
when she saw a bite
that wasnt hers alright
then bit him even harder anyway
ha
Janet Jackson got hired to play.
Justin Timberlake joined her that day.
But then with a rip
Came the slip of a nip –
Now the Super Bowl’s shown on delay.
The thing, Shakespeare says, is the play
Or vice versa or any which way.
But I don’t give a damn. Let
Hamlet be Hamlet.
And let the chips fall where they may.
Dear Ailsa: The lady whose nihil-
-ist play reeked of trouble and trial
May well be correcht
That it echoes of Brecht,
But the critics ask: was it worthWeill?
This lim’rick I put on display
Is written the usual way
Line three rhymes with four
Exciting? There’s more.
But nothing I’ll show you today.
@Ed, re: Let Hamlet be Hamlet…
The greatest of Hamlets historic?
Frank Sinatra. The crowd went euphoric
In the gravedigger scene
With Horatio (Dean),
When he sang ’em “New Yorick, New Yorick”.
A wealthy old man wished to play
With a lovely young maiden named May.
But May said, “Remember
That you are December…
THE PREVIOUS YEAR. Go away.”
LAMENT OF AN OLD-SCHOOL MARXIST*
“You bourgeois consumers who play
‘Revolution’ disgust me. I say
You’re a dumb bunch of schmucks
Paying two hundred bucks
For a shirt with a picture of Che!”
.
.
.
(* no, not me.)
A gambler made play after play,
At the tables, his game was roulette.
When asked what’s your trick?
He replied, “Are you thick?”
“Just let the chips fall where they may!”
“The new Pub encourages play
With free grog and a root every day”
Said Dave, to his Dad
Who asked, “Been there lad?”
“No, but the Missus was there yesterday.”
The cat wants out or to play.
so Curly’s up early each day.
He meows until
He becomes a real pill
“But Curly boy, it’s Saturday!”
But really he’s not only that
He’s not just my alarm prat.
He’s funny and warm
and purrs up a storm
I guess he’s a typical cat.
A fellow would frequently play
With his doodle for most of the day
“Not being unkind
But won’t you go blind?”
Said a young lady passing that way.
In London there’s running a play
For 60 long years so they say
It’s a whole lot of crap
That famous “Mouse Trap”
You work out “Who dunnit” your way..
Said Shakespeare, “When writing a play
“I glut on sour cheese every day.
“I’m ne’er short of words
“When I have the curds
“And waste not, as Anne hath the whey.”
A cellist would frequently play
At a posh central London soirée
At a critical juncture
Nerves and floor sustained puncture
The cello end-pin pierced through the parquet.
@David McCormick:
Though Shakespeare ne’er wrote in a play
This popular English cliché,
When we speak of his wife
It is true to the life:
“She who hath a Will, Hathaway.”
One more on the subject:
Said Shakespeare, “I’m writing a play;
Couldst thou save me the Holinshead, pray?”
The librarian sighed.
“No holds, bard,” he replied
(And what could Will do but obey?).
With a vacuum he thought he would play;
Hidden blades chopped his penis away*.
A talented doc
Reconstructed his cock:
‘Twas a night to *re-member*, I’d say.
(* I’m told — on good authority — that this happens surprisingly often.)
There’s a story that’s getting some play;
George Z’s now a hero they say.
Pulled a guy from a wreck —
It was risky but heck,
Killing black folk has gotten passé.
Oh, Anthony Weiner, don’t play
Your fellow New Yorkers this way.
You’re exposed once again.
If you must bare Big Ben,
Wind up life in the limelight, OK?!
A young fellow would frequently ‘play’
Jocelyn Elders told him it’s okay.
“Let me settle your mind,
It will NOT make you blind–
It’s just so small that it SEEMS that way!!”
“And if you continue to play
This way year by year, day by day,
I hope this thought calms,
It won’t cause hairy palms
And your phallus won’t callous or fray!”
Debbie from Dallas liked to play
At riding a phallus each day
Which pleased her a lot
But played hell with her twat
Which is only a callous today.
A woman would frequently play
With the horse groom who tended her bay.
Anytime they were able
They made love in the stable.
When she asked him, he couldn’t say neigh.
A Cavalry Horse in a stage play
Showed how it darts into the fray
With maximum force
Unlike the cart horse
Which can only fart into it’s dray.
An adage of old comes in play
When I think of George Z. and Tray
Blackstone’s Formulation
(In shortened summation)
“Ten freed’s better’n one wrongful stay”
If a civil case comes into play
Then some justice may still come their way
But no matter what still
Either way come what will
The outcome can’t bring them back Tray…
In response to Johanna’s wordplay [on facebook]
There is something that I’d like to say
George’s sentence comes later
When before his Creator
The Lord works a mysterious way
We don’t always see the whole play
Could be why the trial went this way
Had he been in a cell
Things might not have gone well
For those who he’s helped since that day
A woman had written a play
about a young man gone astray.
The story was base
on a guy easily traced.
His rep was what gave him away.
A fellow would frequently play
A prank on his dear Desiré
Such that when she would dip her
Toes into her slipper
She’d step in persimmon puree
We’ve got two different notions of play
My emotions are prudish that way
But, you act like I’m food
When we’re both in the nude
And I feel like a chocolate parfait
I must make it appear I’m at play
Finger painting with words is OK
If they knew what it took
To write gobbledygook
Then my family might lock me away
A fellow would frequently play
A Mozart sonata in A.
Like a real Viennese
He would tickle the keys
He’d refer to as his “clavier.”
A fellow who wanted to play
With a woman who lived down the way
Was wasting his time,
For she said to him: “I’m
An actual Gay Divorcée.”
A woman who wanted to play
At rhyming the Limerick way
Is not very keen
On being obscene,
But is fine if a line is risqué.
A heel who had wanted to play
Found out every dog has his day,
But then this old rover
Was forced to roll over,
As well as to sit and to stay.
In a twist on a time-honored play,
It’s set in Verona, N.J.
The families feud
While totally nude
And the ill-fated lovers are gay.
An athlete who wanted to play
Met a girl who would lead him astray.
Said he to the ho:
“Yes I’d like to go pro,
But I really just meant NBA.”
I’m watching the stragglers at play
They wait to the very last day
They frolic, they’re frisky
Their rhyme-schemes are risky
It time that we put them away.
Some people just doodle. I play
As I draw in my own special way.
Just what do they mean
These lines? Well, between
Them is nothing but my DNA.
I do love my limerick play
It quite often lightens my day
The humour (and smut)
Amuse me much but
The friendships we make are okay.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 124.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick High.