Limerick Board (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman felt terribly bored…*
or
A gal on a corporate board…*
or
A fellow who slept on a board….*
or
A youngster complained he was bored…*
or
A fellow was cutting a board…*
or
An animal burrowed and bored…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Board
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A sharp fellow who served on the board
Of a weapons co reached an accord:
They would discharge the chair–
He’d replace the man there,
As the fired guy fell on his sword.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Arms, Boredom, Competition Limerick, Corporate Boards Humor, Corporations Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Weapons, Writing Prompts
No ‘bawd’? I’m disappointed.
As a bride Mrs Milton was bored
To her dear husband John she implored
“You wrote Paradise Lost”
Then her legs she uncrossed
“Now find paradise yet unexplored”
A woman was feeling quite bored
So joined in a game with a cord.
She became so besotted
With being tied and knotted
She won a macramé award.
The Phantom, who slept on a board
In the space the organ was stored,
Would sing from his heart
The whole villain’s part,
For Christine, the girl he adored.
A woman felt terribly bored
So she went out and bought a sword.
She learned how to wield it
But cut her hand with it
She cried, fell asleep and snored.
Results from the election board
Was impossible for me to ignore
The Supreme Court putsch
Stuck us with George Bush
Ironically America got “Gored”
Genghis Kahn was Chairman of the Board
Of a group known as the Golden Horde
it’s name came from power
not that kinky shower
Despite what rained out of his sword
The woodpecker steadily bored
Until it broke through the board
that mischievous prank
led to failure of plank
Leaving the birdwatchers floored
With all of three jumpers on board
The airplane kept moving toward
the targeted drop site
when out broke a fight
In mid air for the only rip chord
A gal on a corporate board
Opposed actions she rightly deplored.
In dissent she was mired
Until she was fired.
With the board she could reach no accord.
A fellow who slept on a board
Tossed from bed by his wife cuz he snored.
He took a hard drink
And before he could blink
Slept floored on the board in distress he ignored.
A pie maker became quite bored
Until the last apple was cored
left to own devices
there piled up the slices
After leaving on his own accord
A woman felt terribly bored
Went out and acted untoward
When offered some liquor
Than candy much quicker
Her actions next day she deplored.
A housewife so was totally bored
Considered crafting a gourd
“Creativity I’ll embrace
By making it a vase”
Her sanity was forever restored.
An animal burrowed and bored
Even with the mate that he adored.
He made up his mind
To get out of this bind!
There’s a world out there to be explored!
A woman felt terribly bored
With herself and the life she abhorred-
“GMOs I’ll dispute,
And stop those that pollute.
And injustice cannot be ignored!”
A Banker was kicked off the board
For indulging in corporate fraud
He fiddled the books
Attracting strange looks
Cuz the balance could not be restored.
A fellow who slept on a board
And was seeking a giant reward
Said “It’s covered with nails
And always impales
My willy – which now has been scored”
The pilot said, “Welcome aboard!
“Let me know when your luggage is stored
“But remember, it might
“Shift around during flight,
“And conk you on top of your gourd!”
Mine’s up here:
Fall A-board – A limericked lesson on habit oppressin’
Thanks for another fun limerick prompt!
A banker who serves on the Board
Bought a mansion he couldn’t afford.
When the payment is due,
He’ll foreclose upon *you*…
Equilibrium thus is restored.
He wakened, as stiff as a board
With Longing that can’t be ignored.
But alas, our cavorting
Is best described “Shorting”…
And then he rolled over and snored.
One day, when Jehovah was bored,
Deep shit on his servant he poured.
Cried Job, in his pain,
“I don’t mean to complain,
But you need a new hobby, O Lord!”
I’ve got it! Let’s set the whole Board
Adrift in the ocean, un-oared!
These corporate yobs
Took our money and jobs…
Now it’s time they were TRULY offshored.
One day, when King Alfred was bored,
He put down his scepter and sword.
Forthwith the King called
To Bard Bertram the Bald:
“Soothe my soul with a comforting chord!”
The Bard began singing his song,
And the comforted King hummed along…
‘Til a jealous vizier
Whispered into his ear,
“Oh, Your Majesty! Something is wrong!”
“A rumor I’ve heard — a humdinger —
Says that Bertram is really a ringer!”
He continued, “I’ve heard
In his beard is a bird,
And the bird (not the Bard) is the singer!”
Cried King Alfred, “How thoroughly weird…
A Bard with a bird in his beard!”
So he gave a command
To the men close at hand
That the Bard should be taken and sheared.
Poor Bertram. It soon came to pass
That they shaved his face smoother than glass.
But the story absurd
Of the bearded Bard’s bird
Was just so much chin-music, alas.
Once Bertram was shaven, the King
Knew he’d done a regrettable thing.
The King had been careless,
And Bertram (the Hairless)
Was never again heard to sing.
So here is the moral, milord:
It’s a lesson that can’t be ignored.
If your Bard has a bird
In his beard, mum’s the word…
Or you’ll end up eternally bored.
A giant termite burrowed and bored
Through the Netherworld Hotel’s floor board
It set everyone squealing
From the sickening feeling
Knowing that it was just one of a horde
A youngster complained he was bored
When during first half no-one scored,
He left, with a scowl,
Then set up a howl
When figures on score-board just soared!
The girlfriend complained she was bored,
And felt she was being ignored,
Her swain showed alarm
And switched on the charm,
So, as a result, he’s just scored!
Took the pills now he’s stiff as a board
Like a bobble-head Butternut gourd
Turned around, scared the cat
It should wear its own hat
And be held by a leash or a cord
Our old vacuum’s what nature abhorred
But there’s not much I think she adored
She was never that keen
On our washing machine
And she’s very abrupt with the Ford
Replace please. Bad meter in old one:
Said the LHC Chair of the Board,
“I hope we will get our reward.
For finding the Higgs, I
Can now prove that pigs fly,
And Nobelists are in accord.”
When some physicists sat around bored
And their sense of capriciousness soared
They said “Spin of one half
Might be good for a laugh”
But it turned out to be untoward
If you’ve not seen Mad’s blog and you’re bored
It is well worth a look, you’ll be floored
Will L tells a story
Deserving of glory
And likely another award
He insists, “No, my dear, I’m not bored.
In fact, I would say that I scored.”
She replies, “I’ve concluded
That you must be deluded.
In less than a minute, you snored.”
An old maid being terribly bored
Purchased a “T” Model Ford
But soon realised indeed
Didn’t need so much speed
So traded it in on a Buckboard.
A gal on a corporate board
Wore a tie which was thin like a cord
A bra like Madonna
Outside what was on her
As catlike she scratched and she clawed
The pilot said Welcome Aboard,
The plane’s engines rumbled and roared,
As skyward we jetted
Some flyers still fretted,
The good Lord they implored while we soared.
A young man was just a bit bored
With driving the car he adored
He test drove a few,
Kia, Jeep, Subaru….
But ended up keeping his Ford.
She prays with her knees on a board
Then the priest hears her sins for the Lord:
“My stove doesn’t shine,
I drank too much wine,
I thought impure thoughts, and I hoard”.
As a packrat I seldom get bored
Watching shows about people who hoard.
It’s impossibly tough
Letting go of old stuff
But at least mine’s all tidily stored.
I hope this one won’t make you bored…
There once was a singer called Gord
And if I’m not wrong
He’s still going strong.
And his songs are all widely adored.
Happy Canada Day everyone!
If near-rhymes are allowed, I offer this:
The sow said, “I like to be boared,
For when piglets come I am assured
That I won’t be taken
And turned into bacon
Or otherwise smoked, cooked, or cured.”
Another rhythm correction:
The sow said, “I like to be boared.
When piglets come I am assured
That I won’t be taken
And turned into bacon
Or otherwise smoked, cooked, or cured.”
I’m sure that we all have the notion
That it’s like a restorative potion
To hear, after two
Entire weeks without Sue,
That she’s back on this side of the ocean!
Welcome back, Sue!
Thanks Will! It’s great to be home. What a treat to come back to your bored / bard / beard / bird poem, and all the others. Looking forward to seeing what you did with ‘pound’ – I haven’t even read those yet.
Now the bard and the beard & the board
Was a story my soul has restored
Bardie’s honour to save
He had a close shave
With a shaver without any cord.
Coincidentally, thesaurus.com is featuring 5 ways to describe being ‘bored’
There’s some synonyms for the word bored
And the linguists o’er these words have pored
They’re so varied and strange
Circumscribing a range
That the irony can’t be ignored
Through these words I have burrowed and bored
And ‘Insipid’s’ the one I adored
But conversely, methinks
‘Platitudinous’ stinks
For some reason it strikes a bad chord
If you’re hitting your head with a board
Then ‘ennui’ might your feelings accord
If you think “God forbidic”
This might be ‘bromidic’
Like seltzers you may have once poured
So the next time you think that you’re bored
Be specific and try to record
Are you blasé or jaded
Indiff’rent or sated
Bone weary or out of your gourd?
Serene Sybil 01.07.2013
Pretty Sybil felt terribly bored
When the officers shouted we scored!
Then they opened the bags
Where they found only rags
Cause’ they missed the big gourd with the hoard.
The Soar Presentation 01.07.2013
A young gal on a corporate board
For the first time felt “Yes… I have scored!”
“My new fashion called Ripples
Looks real ‘fab’ on bare nipples
and the proof’s in your fabric that soared.
In Chordonia the people are bored
Off of fighting and music they swored
They’ve a boxer named Eddie
A band at the ready
But neither is striking a Chord
You could plead, if you sat on the board
Of GM and Chrysler and Ford,
That they set as their bar
A *dependable* car,
But you never would reach an Accord.
A guy on a corporate board
Drove a company car, an Accord.
He showed great indignation;
‘Twas beneath his high station!
He’s in Oslo now, driving a Fjord.
In Norway he soon became bored,
His input dismissed and ignored.
And so every day
He called mom in L. A.
That’s one long umbilical cord!
His girlfriend, she slept on a board,
And sex thereupon she adored.
So through the long winters
He picked up some splinters;
In scoring, himself became scored.
When Ole sailed back from the fjord
He went to a big smorgasbord
The lutefisk turned-
and his stomach churned.
His lunch ended up over starboard.
A fellow slept on a board
And shared it one night with a broad
Tried to play his next card
But she said, “It’s too hard”
Which explains why he never scored.
There’s a Hooker who loved being bored
By the gents she met when she whored
So decided to get
A Website on the Net
And call it “Welcome Aboard”
After marriage and children we’re bored.
Our passion is mute, once it roared!
Are handcuffs the answer?
Or bucking like prancer?
Why can’t we just play in our Ford?
When she offered him free room and board,
Not thinking that’s somewhat untoward,
He quickly agreed,
Then she watched as he peed!
Could it be just the size of his sword?
A gal on a corporate board
Suffered prejudice quite untoward
With covert cassette
She sought proof! — I regret
She forgot to press Play and Record.
A woman felt terribly bored
And smoked baccy quite weird from her hoard
The bank manager called
And was wholly appalled
To find her stoned out of her gourd.
A youngster complained he was bored—
Surfing trains his adrenalin soared!
Well, back in my day
Children had safer play
We’d ride the back of a Model T Ford!
A youngster complained he was bored
All diversions his mother explored
In vain. From a jar
A large candy bar
Meant, sadly, that peace was restored.
A fellow who felt rather bored
Round his waist tied a stout bungee cord
His nerve remained strong!
But the rope was too long …
Now his ghost haunts that stretch of fjord.
He’s ordered some pieces of board
For that two-level deck he’s ignored.
Now he’ll have no excuse
They will get put to use
And will not become part of a hoard.
A ship’s Captain was terribly bored
In the pub pondering his crew’s discord
He said.”I know things aren’t dandy”
As he sipped on his brandy
When he got back his ship wasn’t moored.
Dear Dean — once at sea, they expect
That your nautical terms sound correct:
Tell the mate, “Steer to starb’rd!”
You’ll end up safe harbored;
Say “star – board”, you may end up wrecked!
:^)
On the other hand —
Though I think I’m a pretty good steward
Of words such as “starboard” or “leeward”,
I have to admit
“Gourd” defies me a bit…
Around here, we have always said “goo-rd”.
While I’m thinking about strange nautical pronunciation:
SEA LEGS
To the sailor, the ship is a prison:
No women for huggin’ and kizzin’!
But when he goes ashore
(For what shore leave is for),
He’ll discover his main mast is mizzen.
Yet if he brings a woman aboard,
The moment that she is off-shored
A couple o’ pokes’ll
Put foam on her forecastle —
He’ll soon find his rigging restored!
(Obviously out-of-competition for leaving the rhyme word so late)
A girlie who got very bored
Had a baby to her good friend Claude
But she blamed it on Jim
As she drooled over him
But he sued her for internal fraud.
The CEO harangued the Board
They had bad term results to record.
He continued to hector
The Finance Director
Who, guilt-stricken, fell on his sword!
A woman felt terribly bored
So played a quiz show, that she’d stored
“Name the capital,” said the man,
“Of Tajikistan.”
Sad to say, our lass was wholly floored.
A fakir who slept on a board
Spiked with nails, all tourists assured
That he suffered no hurt
He indeed got quite curt—
A soft feather bed he abhorred!
Oh, I was so heartily bored!
As each actor received their award
Such thespian gush
Heard in reverent hush—
Take me now, if it pleases you, Lord!
A woman felt terribly bored
By each conquest she entered and scored
On a scale one to ten
She would judge all her men
With a zero for any who snored!
There are times on this messaging board
When the rhymes should be triply scored
Jo’s and Craig’s risqué fare
Bartram losing his hair
And when Sue gasped out “Oh … now I’m floored!”
He says Yawni’s the name of his board
And the pumpkin he pickled was Gord
What’s in front of his pelvis
He dubbed Little Elvis
While Sheila’s the sheep that he shored
The guitar students seemed to be bored,
‘Til from teacher’s guitar music poured
That the kids understood.
So I guess that you could
Say guitarist’s new song struck a chord.
A tourist who heard “All aboard!”
Thought the call was a little untoward:
“We don’t, in Bahrain,
Lean out from a train
And proclaim the ennui of the Lord.”
A woman was terribly bored
and her pleas were completely ignored.
Her friend was Samurai trained.
So, when her plight she explained,
he allowed her to run on his sword.
Little Joey’s sweet momma was bored
So she flirted with Shane …Oh my lord
Then got scratched by a clasp
As she let out a gasp
And in this way the settler was scored
As a traveller I became very bored
The aeroplane revved and it roared
The hostess all smiles
Said “Not many more miles”
I think I was in a Concord.
In London, the British Cheese Board
(yes, really!) all makes have explored.
Be it Stilton, or Cheddar
Bath Blue, Leicester (it’s redder)
All are delicious when gnawed!
[NB: “Leicester” is two syllables, pron. “Lester”.]
At the old Tower, none was there bored—
We saw the Crown Jewels therein stored!
Heard of Henry—his weddings!
Viewed the scene of beheadings!
While the dread ravens flapped, and they cawed …
“He was rich but my gosh I was bored—
Was my ‘wealthy and smart’ just ignored?”
Asked a dating site user
Who was really a loser
‘Cause her search terms weren’t ANDed but ORed.
If in computing she hadn’t been bored
A more suitable mate she’d have scored
Lack of data in Boolean
Led to Jake, not a Julian
Use Equivalence=handsome & Lord!
On the cruise ship, a guy who’s on board
Said there’s nothing to do, so explored
All around the ship’s deck,
And got lost on his trek.
So a crewman yelled, “Man over-bored!”
In London I did not get bored
I visited Madame Tussaud
But I had a mishap
When I saw “The Mouse trap”
Whodunnit without a reward.
His penis was stiff as a board.
Her ennui could not be ignored.
After screwing all day,
She could truthfully say
With two meanings, the phrase “I was bored.”
A Prisoner was found by the Board
To be innocent, so cleared his record
Making Independence Day
An appropriate way
To have his freedom restored
A youngster complained he was bored
Though the cost of his living had soared
With his gizmos piled high
His mum prayed to the sky
That her offspring were exiled abroad.
Of the sea I can say that I’m bored
From the Firth of the Forth to the fjord
Never more will I float
So if I board a boat
I’ll be sure that the ship is ashored
The Problem with Sarcasm
“My back is as stiff as a board.”
“Oh — your BACK. For a moment, hope soared.”
“It’ll take more than hope.”
“Try a pulley and rope”
(In the smartass department they scored.)
Now young Eve was getting quite bored
As she bit on the apple (uncored)
A remark came from Adam
Saying “Pardon me Madam
You’ve seen mine and now I’ve seen you’rd.”
Marian petitioned school board
For books they could not afford
They too were off track
Chaucer and Balzac
Subject matter not to be ignored
Her son’s lisp was most sadly moored
From lack of father figure on board
The Wellth Fargo Wagon
Had him thinging n braggin
With Marian this struck a sad chord
Harold Hill showed up quite untoward
Hit on Marian who’s lonely and bored
Despite songs and dances
Fought off his advances
Caused condition known as Blue Gourd
For values in children to be restored
It was pool halls that Harold deplored
Indignation he’d spew
Out of pocket on cue
Said school bands would rack up no discord
Before the band could strike a first chord
Instruments would need to be scored
Parents pay in advance
Which will surely enhance
Chances for Hill’s ill gotten reward
Marian’s faith was somehow restored
And her heart miraculously soared
When Harold came clean
Appointed music dean
Of bad music only parents adored
yt cai, I really like your poem about one of my favourite musicals!
The conductor called out “All aboard!”
And I hope you won’t think me untoward,
But the gal in first class
Had a fabulous ass –
Soon the Meter High Club reached accord.
The admiral was piped aboard
He strutted the gangland as a lord
He went head over heels
Doing cartwheels
And skewered his hat with his sword
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, the Limerick Saga Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 121
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Bar