Limerick Skill (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow was proud of his skill…*
or
A woman was proud of her skill…*
*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Skill
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow was proud of his skill
In drafting the hand-crafted will:
“I’ve perfected this science,”
He’d brag, but his clients
Took ill at the sight of his bill.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bills Humor, Law Humor, Lawyer Limerick, Legal Limerick, Limerick Contest, Money Verse, Poetry & Prompts, Skill Humor, Talent Humor, Wills, Writing Prompts
At last! My life’s ambition, to be first up! ;)
Called a baby whale, proud of his skill,
“Hey Ma! Look at me, shovelling krill!”
“Don’t they teach at Whale School
“If you speak with mouth full,”
She ragged, “You’ll eat less than you spill?!”
A woman was proud of her skill.
She performed on her knees until
while taking a risk
she threw out a disc.
Now she’s paying the Doctor’s bill.
A fellow was proud of his skills
trading stocks, bonds and treasury bills.
He started out small
and worked for it all.
Now everything’s measured in mills.
A fellow was proud of his skill
A prowess so potent it could kill
Played easy
Nothing dirty
Likes of a lawman fitted the bill
Hank
A whale was proud of its skill
To filter the ocean of krill.
It did nothing else at all
Because the things are so small
And took ages for it’s stomach to fill.
A woman was proud of her skill
For maintaining her Venus’ ‘hill’.
To assist in the chore,
The perfume was Dior,
But the landscaping came from Brazil.
A fellow was proud of his skill
To give all the women a thrill.
But unbeknownst to him,
When the lights were dim,
A vibrator had a role to fulfil.
A fellow was proud of his skill
Or giving women a thrill
Until that once
When the dunce
Forgot the rubber and took ill
That songbird proud of his skill
At whistling a quite complex trill
But some hippie smoke
Caused him to choke
And his talents went swiftly downhill
A tailor who proud of his skill
Liked a jaunty young lady named Jill
He was so smitten
He said “I’ll dress you kitten”
And he sent her out dressed fit to kill
A gourmet chef proud of his skill
Always garnished with garlic and dill
Said one diner who started
Belched loudly then farted
“You don’t need to pay the gas bill”
A fellow was proud of his skill
At signing his name with a quill
Said his friend, Paul Revere,
“Put your John Hancock here!
“Make it large, we’ve got pages to fill!”
A lady was proud of her skill
At fitting men to only her bill
Just one time, they were hers–
Whether dandies or curs;
She could suck out all of their will.
A fellow was proud of his skill
At stepping out and not paying the bill.
A freeloader at heart,
He could play any part.
And he did! It gave him a thrill.
A sad fellow had not one skill
Unemployed, he had time to kill
He began stacking junk
Wouldn’t you know it, the lunk,
Is a galleried artist! Top bill!
A woman was proud of her skill
In the kitchen, but her hubby, Bill,
Who was quite the gourmet
Would invariably say
“Damn, Honey! This tastes like swill!”
Ma and Pa Kettle were proud of their skill.
Into their kids they attempted to drill
The pride and ambition
Of their family tradition
In runnin’ their moonshinin’ ‘still.
Republican pollies are proud of their skill
at pandering to the 1%’s will.
But they balk at the issues
though they cry into tissues,
while the oil and logic continue to spill.
Seems our gov’ment is proud of its skill
To run We, the People, through the mill!
They destroy our land and our wildlife–
Corporations aren’t “pro-life”!
What kind of motto is “Drill, Baby, Drill”?
A fellow was proud of his skill
Of giving his good wife a thrill.
Said she of his mountin’
I fear that your Fountain
Of Youth has gone over the hill.
Correction to fourth line, above:
Corporate personhoods aren’t “pro-life”!
A gigolo was proud of his skill,
being true professional, when giving a thrill.
He wouldn’t settle for less,
than ‘value for money’ sex
making sure ones’ needs were fulfilled
(Only folks of a certain age will get this reference)
A hooker was proud of her skill
She could change her persona at will
The one men liked best
Was prob’ly Mae West
The least popular? Sister Bertrille.
A fella who thought he had skill
Drove his Smart Car too fast o’er the hill
He encountered a trucker
Who smashed that poor [guy]
They scraped what was left off the grill.
A porn star of notable skill
Was thought to be over the hill
So she went for the record:
“Most Times Being Peckered”
(I think that gal’s lyin’ there still.)
An investment guy seemed to have skill
Making money – a lot from a li’l.
But they found out his Ponzi
Scheme, so he got on zee
Next flight on zee way to Negril.
My old Granny is proud of her skill.
In her dotage, driving still gives her a thrill.
But those who get in her way
Will have a high price to pay.
They’ll spent their dotage as road kill.
A blogger who thought he had skill
Didn’t realize his limericks were shrill
So he came in last place
Each week of the race
At Mad Kane’s limerick drill.
Though he falters time after time
He always submits one more rhyme
Cause the more you rehearse
When you’re working with verse
Eventually one is sublime.
Daisy Mae don’ have much of a skill
Pickin’ fellers to give her a thrill.
As Mammy told Pappy:
‘She thought she’d be happy ––
But found out why Abner’s called L’il !”
At the old folks home, Charlie had skill
And he gave all the ladies a thrill
“There’s a new one each night
And I treat ’em all right
But thank God for that little blue pill!”
A lawyer was proud of his skill.
With probate he’d aim for the kill.
Pay enough of his fees,
And he’d find legal keys
To unlock all those funds from each will.
A woman was proud of her skill
At bending old men to her will,
She’d start with a dance,
Then move to romance,
With her talents no need for a pill.
A woman was proud of her skill
At raising the dead — What a thrill.
She’d wander the beach,
Keeping just out of reach,
Wearing something they banned in Brazil.
A woman was proud of her skill
And arrived at the ball dressed to kill.
For extended hot fun,
She took on more than one,
Then left, getting more than her fill.
A fellow was proud of his skill
To guzzle a gallon of swill
He did it so fast
His hangover would last
From night till the sun drifted over the hill.
.
A woman was proud of her skill
To get a man drunk on coarse swill
She’d dump him in bed
Take his money instead
And leave him thinking he had a cheap thrill.
A dentist was proud of his skill
With probes and high pressure drill,
With his precision flossing,
And his peppermint washing,
But mostly he was proud of his bill.
A lawyer was proud of his skill
Charged one pound of flesh for his bill
That’s not just a saying
His clients were paying
So where there’s a weigh, there’s a will
A fellow was proud of his skill,
Though his friends thought it run-of-the-mill:
He could chew gum and walk.
If the facts matched his talk,
Gerald Ford would be President still.
A god had great pride in his skill
Of seducing each goddess at will.
He thought he might use a
Few ploys on Medusa.
Turned to stone, he is standing there still.
A fellow was proud of his skill
Making moonshine inside of his still
But his profits were few
In spite of his brew
‘Cause he’d swill every drop he’d distill
Ol’ Billy was proud of his skill
At refining the mash in his still;
He smiled ‘cuz his whiskey
Made lady-folk frisky,
‘Till he met a transvestite named Will.
Cheers!
JzB
A fellow was proud of his skill
He whistled a meadowlark’s thrill
It was quite a surprise
For his lips were the size
Of a well endowed platypus bill
A fellow was proud of the skill
Of his member that he just called bill
Though it curved to the right
It was still quite a sight
For it measured at least 80 mil
A fellow was proud of his skill
With cucumber, vinegar, dill
By the book it did cook
And yet all who partook
Ended up quite deadly ill
A fellow was proud of his skill
The intrigue sure gave him a thrill
He worked for three letter
The less known the better
If he told you, well he’d have to kill
A fellow was proud of his skill
With a hammer, screwdriver, and drill
But he had one big flaw
He was bad with a saw
He’s lucky there’s three fingers still
A fellow was proud of his skill
Then there was this girl we’ll call Jill
Jack was his name
And Jill was not game
So she pushed Jack off of the hill
A fellow was proud of his skill
He’d roller skate down a steep hill
Then he hit a bump
And we heard a thump
And tomorrow they’re reading his will
A woman was proud of her skill
Waiting on table until
Her blouse popped a button
Dropped her boob in the mutton
It happend at my Hotterville
For Jazz
Ol’ Billy was proud of his skill
And of the transvestite named will
When he gave him a sip
Will gave him a tip
and Ol’ Billy could hardly stay still
A puppy was proud of his skill
At being rambunctious until
With his white coat and spots
(they were block polka dots)
He was nabbed by Cruella Deville
After the dentist limerick this morning, I got a bit excited about different professions:
A butcher was proud of his skill
And the number of sausages he’d fill
He was eventually arrested
When his sausages were tested
And found their meat content was nil.
A chemist was proud of his skill
To dispense both potion and pill.
But it was all a great lurk,
The stuff didn’t work:
It was the price that made you feel ill.
A weightlifter was proud of his skill
But at night wore dresses of twill,
Along with stocking and pearls,
He went out with the girls,
In search of somebody to thrill.
A bootlegger was proud of his skill
And would daily spit-polish his still.
But he had to regret
That he lit a cigarette
And his body blown over the hill.
A cyclist was proud of his skill
But was popping prohibited pills.
When positively swabbed,
“I’m sorry” he sobbed,
But from there he kept going downhill.
A harlot was proud of her skill
With men who have dreams to fulfill.
“Their wives have stopped heeding
Their base carnal pleading,
So they are happy to find someone who will.”
I was once proud of my skill
until it left me on the whim.
Becoming a mute nerd
left without a word,
unable to find a rhyming theme.
A fellow was proud of his skill
Of ridding the town of road kill
With a bucket and trowel
Be it mammal or fowl
He’d carry it home to his grill
Once there he was proud of his skill
Cooking on his BBQ grill
That was of course
Till you found out the source
And then you would probably feel ill
And so he perfected the skill
Of lacing your drink with a pill
For when you were groggy
Your thinking grew foggy
You developed a taste for road kill
A woman was proud of her skill
With a feather and her husband’s drill
She would get it to spinning
And soon she was grinning
A pleasure spot she did fulfill
A fellow was proud of his skill
But with line dancing I had my fill
Even with me right with him
The guy had no rhythm
I’d rather that he just stood still
A fellow was proud of his skill
Of designing a chic espadrille
You knew when you wore ‘em
No one could ignore ‘em
And that gave this fellow a thrill
A fellow was proud of his skill
Of tuning out noises, shrill
For then he could marry
That cute loudmouth Sherrie
When others had just had their fill
haha…this would be a good strategy for any doctor…if they see the bill they get sick again and need another treatment..smiles
A colonist proud of his skill
At shopping up on Beacon Hill
Found a crowd that was fighting
For tools used in writing
And had to go in for the quill
A fellow was proud of his skill
For cleaning his ears with a drill
“It could hurt my brain”
He would freely explain
“But for me that’s just part of the thrill”
A fellow was proud of his skill
How his dreams he could always fulfill
But he couldn’t marry
His love – Katy Perry
Around him the poor girl got ill
A fellow was proud of his skill
Standing out on a high window sill
He thought he could fly
So he gave it a try
His first thoughts were yes – and then nil
A woman was proud of her skill
All decked out in womanly frill
But when I saw her panties
They were high waisted aunties
And that was a classic mood kill
A dancer, proud of her skill
with her body while she was still
young and pretty
thought life pretty shitty
when she found herself over the hill.
a fellow was proud of his skill
some would say he. quite the thrill
with oos and ahs
and a few ah has
until tripping, he broke his quill.
A fellow was proud of his skill
At exploring each Andean hill
But sooner or later
He’ll near the Equator
And lose himself in Guayaquil
A fellow was proud of his skill
At giving his lovers a thrill.
He had such a keen piece
That even Ms. Greenpeace
Cried, “Ooh, baby – drill, baby, drill!”
He was hired for his dognapping skill
But car stealing gave him a thrill
Then he made his boss mad, he
Grabbed up the wrong Caddy –
He’d stolen Cruella’s DeVille!
A worker was proud of his skill”
At crossing his boss’ door sill
Tho he didn’t oughta
He messed with the daughter
And thus had his dick in the till.
Old Queen Lizzie is proud of her skill
In dismissing her Consort at will.
In the Royal boudoir,
She says, “Stay where you are,
For, thank goodness, I’ve more than my Phil.”
A company proud of its skill
with an underground gas-from-shale drill,
found its eco-sense lacking –
when it was done fracking,
our poor Mother Earth was quite ill.
A carpenter’s proud of his skill
at giving young women a thrill.
But they’re not impressed –
from his tool box the best
they can get is a three-fourths inch drill.
A deli clerk’s proud of his skill,
and the gals think that he fits the bill,
when he pulls out a pickle
and gives them a tickle,
and it’s not necessarily dill!
A woman was proud of her skill
With a bow, and so her beau, Will
Let her shoot off his head
A fruit ripe and red
And he lived to tell, “What a thrill!”
A company proud of its skill
with an underground gas-from-shall drill,
found its eco-sense lacking –
when it was done fracking,
our poor Mother Earth was quite ill.
A carpenter’s proud of his skill
in giving young women a thrill.
But they’re not impressed –
in his tool box, the best
he can give them’s a three-fourths inch drill!
A deli clerk’s proud of his skill
and the gals think he fits the bill.
He gives them a tickle
when he pulls out a pickle,
and it ain’t necessarily dill!
Oops – typo on limerick #1:
A company proud of its skill
with an underground gas-from-shale drill,
found its eco-sense lacking –
when it was done fracking,
our poor Mother Earth was quite ill.
A fellow is proud of his skill
with his cordless electric drill.
He’s drawn up his goals
to make perfect holes
which give him a tremendous thrill.
A fellow was proud of his skill
In the way that he handled his drill.
He bragged that his bit
Was a lovely tight fit,
And of his work most get their fill!
A fellow was proud of his skill
in handling Capitol Hill.
The “executive branch”
made Monica Blanch,
and Hillary cried, “Stop that, Bill!”
A fellow was proud of his skill
of simultaneously swallowing pills
He’d brag and he’d boast
to all to give credence and toast
Until the time one lodged and he fell still
The demanding director had skill
But his actors were ready to kill:
“I fear that the stress’ll
Make me take out ol’ Cecil –
I feel I’ve been run through DeMille!”
The little dog, proud of his skill,
Thought that he’d swipe a snack from Ol’ Bill.
While Bill, the big dog, was sleeping,
The little dog came creeping,
And ate from the big bowl his fill.
Obama was proud of his skill
Finding terrorists in every hill.
The drones all rained on
Those poor Taliban.
A bit of–you’d say–overkill.
A fellow was proud of his skill
Though seemingly run-of-the-mill
The things that I do
Well, you can do too
And better than me, if you will.
A fellow was proud of his skill
Of what he once did with his Jill.
And as for the water
Well, let’s send our daughter.
I think we’re both over the hill.
A barber was proud of his skill
In being the best in Seville.
But another more splendid
At hair-cutting ended
His reign, there in Spain, if you will.
:)
A fellow was proud of his skills
at prepping the prettiest pills
Took one too many
became way too skinny
And now the wind gives him his thrills
Her arias were her very best skill
The aria was her very best skill
And the audiences hung on her trill
But at home, not on stage,
She’d go off on a rage!
For hubby her trill was too shrill.
A fellow was proud of his skill,
He could swallow pill after pill,
Someone asked, ‘can you swallow a stone?’
‘Why only a stone?, I could even a bone!’
Off he went and swallowed a hill.
Beefed a sperm, proud of his skill
In reaching the top of the hill,
“Now I ain’t one for nigglin’
“But 3 days’ solid wrigglin’
“To read, ‘NO EGGS TODAY, ON THE PILL’??!”
A fellow was proud of his skill
At being able to dodge any bill
To restaurants he’d go
And leave through the window
After ordering and eating his fill
Mitt Romney is proud of his skill
For avoiding taxation at will.
But he’s frightfully lacking
In ideas for backing
The folks he’s left holding the bill.
A fellow was proud of his skill
With the help of a little blue pill
Till his paramour mumbled
A mouthful that humbled:
“It fills but the thrills, Will, are nil.”
A fellow as proud of his skill
At writing limericks with the best of them
OK he had problems rhyming and scanning
And he couldn’t count to five
A Laddie was proud of his skill
At blowing gum bubbles at will.
He’d chew, then he blew.
It grew: a last view
Of Boy floating over the hill…
A woman was proud of her skill
At making mares dance to her will.
Screw grazing in meadows
Once injured; instead those
Mean Romneys saw dollar signs still.
A woman was proud of her skill
in dancing the Tango, until
a thorn pierced her lip
which caused her to grip
her partner’s ‘sandwichito’ quill.
A fellow was proud of his skill
for not puking on rides known as ‘thrill’
‘til one coaster flipped wide –
then the dude could not hide
how he got most revoltingly ill.
A woman was proud of her skill
which was mentioned in every Playbill.
In the Theatre Wing
she was known as a ‘Swing’
‘cause she swung with some robust good will.
Young Phillip took Pride in his skill
On safari, found lions to kill.
Like the lady of Niger
Who rode on a tiger,
The Lion Pride now has its Phil.
This is very clever –
“I’ve perfected this science,”
He’d brag, but his clients –
Very clever indeed!
Gallops off my tongue…enjoyed!
Here’s mine:
Going Green and Back
A fellow claimed stupendous skill
Making gals shriek loud and shrill,
His bedding bubble was burst
When one called him the worst,
With the video to prove him a shill.
A grifter was proud of his skill
Swaying others to help pay the bill.
But when checkbooks fell short,
He would quickly abort,
Finding others his coffers to fill.
grifter edited
A grifter was proud of his skill
Swaying people to pay for his bill.
But when checkbooks fell short,
He would quickly abort,
Finding others his coffers to fill.
A madam set out to deskill
The jobs in her house by the mill.
Clientele didn’t “swell”
‘Cuz the guys knew too well
That the thrill of a mill is quite nil.
A caddy was proud of his skill
At toting clubs in his Seville
‘Til a ball, hit too far
Headed straight for his car
And ended all up in his grill.
A fellow was proud of his skill
In promoting his Congressman’s bill.
But the Senate took note
‘Twas the thirty-third vote.
The result: Lions, 1, Martyrs, nil.
A student was proud of his skill;
At his studies? Heck, no! Jack and Jill.
“While I’d fun at Ole Miss
They resembled my sis.
I prefer les jeunes filles at McGill!”
If you’re taken with Mitt Romney’s skill
For pretending to harbor good will,
Ask the N-double A
Whom he hunted like prey
So on FOX he could call it a kill.
It’s uncouth to court boos by inflaming
But Mitt, with his crooked smile’s claiming
He was just being straight,
Wasn’t throwing out bait
To help bolster his “freeloader’ blaming.
Thanks so much everyone for your fun limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 70.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun, because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Rueful Limerick