Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: GRAND at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: February 10, 2024)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using GRAND at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to COACHES, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best COACH-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
GRIP, LUSH, PROMISING, SEARCH, YARN.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on February 11, 2024, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, February 10, 2024 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my GRAND-Rhyme Limerick:
A grandstanding fellow named Mel
Plays the piano, but not very well.
His recital was panned:
“He abused that poor grand
And deserves a life sentence in hell.”
And here’s my COACH-Themed Limerick:
“Don’t sit like a bump on a log,”
Said the coach. “Shake a leg. Maybe jog.
If you want to get fit,
It’s time to show grit,
And skip all the eggnog and grog.”
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
While reciting a tale, Dan said “Darn!
I’ve forgotten the end of this yarn,
Which (I promise) is gripping.
It features unzipping
And (maybe) a cow in a barn.”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Coaches Humor, Competition Limerick, Exercise Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Music Humor, Piano Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Reviewers Humor, Writing Prompts
“This obsession you have with Steve Grand
is getting a bit out of hand,
and becoming a bore.
So, I’m saying, ‘No more!’
From now on in this house, he is banned!”
My kids wanted a pit full of sand;
‘Took my trailer to buy some, as planned.
But my trailer hitch popped
And the fine that I copped
For lost trailer (and sand) was a grand.
The concert stage door was unmanned,
So I strolled in, completely as planned.
No need to pull strings
To access the wings,
My job was to tune up the grand.
She was the singer in a traveling band
He played piano in their tour of the land
Their mutual attraction
Led to marital satisfaction
And, no surprise, their baby was grand
With her fingers, she reached for his gland,
Jerked him off, and he thought it was grand.
Thus her job she had kept.
She was very adept
At “dick-tation” while doing “short-hand.”
The team took a terrible beating,
So we had a “Coach Candidate Meeting.”
I said, “Though you’re all trained,
I’ve picked Joe” Then explained,
He’s the one who knows most about cheating.”
It’s time that I took a firm stand
Bout’ the “rightists” who ruled this great land.
Although in the gov,
They were all a part of
The Old Party which isn’t so Grand.
“Yuck! I hate this! It’s gross and it’s bland!
You’re not Mom! I won’t eat on demand!”
“No, I’m not — but I say
You must eat anyway,
‘Cause you’re not being mothered, but Gran’d.”
My feller once did something grand –
He slid two doughnuts onto his gland.
Then he put on some more
‘til there were twenty-four –
And my mum said, “Now THAT’S a cake stand!”
Marco Polo once said, “Samarkand
Is a city which I think is grand.
The Sogdian Satrapy
Didn’t let it get crappy
Or re-building works get out of hand.”
I watched a cockroach who was slow
Being coached by an ancient old pro.
Yes, even cockroaches
Need to have coaches:
It’s not easy to scuttle you know!
Football scout has results that astound
All his peers, which is why he’s renowned.
He is held in esteem.
His effect on the team
Coaches say has been simply pro-found.
“The Mysterious Barn” (a great read)
I just finished “Mysterious Barn”
And wow! It is such a great yarn.
It’s a real gripping thriller
A nail-biting chiller.
Can’t recount it in 5 lines. Oh darn.
I’ve been searching for real luscious nuts.
Yet, I can’t even find one lone putz.
It’s not promising due
To the “virus” and flu.
And real sad for our circle of sluts.
Elimination Of The Word “real” In Line 5
“How Covid Has Changed Everything”
I’ve been searching for real luscious nuts.
Yet I can’t even find one lone putz.
It’s not promising due
To the “virus” and flu.
And so sad for our circle of sluts.
“Senior Living”
Sweet Jenny can’t move her right hand.
Leon sits, but the poor man can’t stand.
John broke both of his hips.
And dear Winifred drips.
Gertrude falls ev’ry day. Ain’t life grand?
There once was a man who was grand
who led marches all over the land.
But now that he’s dead,
racists meme out his head
to scold others who want to take stands.
She lay nude on the beach, looking grand
And asked if I’d give her a hand
To rub oil on her skin.
I enquired with a grin
“What’s in it for me?” She said “Sand!”
Since their sex wasn’t what it once was,
Wayne asked Jane for some help for the cause:
“Making love would be grand,
If you’d give me a hand.”
So she gave him a round of applause.
Hi, Terry. We seem to be a bit on the same wave length this morning.
I like your gritty limerick :)
“The Pilot Speaks”
“Welcome First Class to “Boeing Bay Shore”
I suggest that you try to ignore
Those flying in coach,
Where each meal has a roach
And whose trip will take 6 hours more”
Marie Antoinette in her coach
Saw an old ragged beggar approach.
He asked her for cake.
“That’s MY line, you flake,
Have some bread”, she replied with reproach.
A flea-bag hotel called the “Grand”
Had rooms that were much in demand.
Not a one had a shower,
And they’d rent by the hour
For a nap, as I do understand.
“The Very Unhappy Hockey Coach”
Coach Riley said, “This is a sin.
You NUMSKULLS get under my skin.
Not ONE goal did you score!
I can’t take anymore.
Hey DIPSTICKS, THE OBJECT’S TO WIN !!”
Advice From A Friend
Search no more for a shrink; mine is hip.
He will heal you in one single trip.
To cure your depression,
There’s only one session.
He says THREE words. That’s it: “Get a grip”
My new drum kit just cost fifteen grand,
It’s the loudest there is in the land.
I’ll be selling ear plugs
To the cowering mugs
That sit just in front in the band.
If you have the Flu or the Grip,
Some promise you, take a small nip,
And sip a hot toddy,
To comfort the body.
Just try chicken soup is my tip.
The day didn’t go as he planned,
For Sioux attack, it was so grand.
In that clear June morn,
At Little Big Horn,
And battle called Custer’s Last Stand.
At midnight poor Cinderella’s coach,
Turned back to the pumpkin she’d poach.
Was the prince, and the ball,
Just a dream after all,
Till slipper in hand, he’d approach.
I said that her tits were astonishing,
And immediately copped an admonishing
For daring to jest
’bout her lush fulsome breast
(Though the glint in her eye’s looking promising.
A musician whom no one could stand
Was coached NOT to act pompous or grand.
Now he acts like a geek
Who’s both boring and meek.
His new theme song is “Strike Up the Bland.”
While we’re swilling a bottle of Blush,
My friend Jill tells me Bill is a lush.
“Promise not to repeat it!”
I cry, “Moi?!” When I tweet it,
I’ll tell people to keep it hush-hush.
A promising Google type search,
Has left me in quite a big lurch.
For I couldn’t see,
A damn thing on me.
Which sure knocked me off of my perch.
Lavatory Or Golf?
“This place is hygienic and lush.
It’s against all the rules, yet I’ll rush.
I will form a loose grip
By swiv’ling my hip
I’ll be quiet, (the motto) then flush.”
.
OR
Lots of holes here, attractively rich.
OR
Lots of holes here, attractively lush.
It’s against all the rules, yet I’ll rush.
I will form a loose grip.
I can feel the drip drip.
I’ll be quiet, (the motto) then flush.
Though no promising singer, I know,
I still give karaoke a go.
I sing all night with glee,
And when I lose my key,
I continue to search high and low.
Escape
Abroad in a warm, far-off land
I lounged on a beach and was fanned
Alas, I awoke
It was just a joke
But tell me, would that not be grand?
Learning the Hard Way
My great uncle taught me so well
To quote off-key jokes he would tell
I thought it was cool
To tell them in school
But teacher said “That will not sell”
In court the show was grand
“I’ll throw you out,” said Kaplan
Judge, “I’d love to see it
I’m in charge, you’ll get it
You’re playing right into my hand.”
His piano concerto was panned.
The critics said “boring”, and “bland”.
Pursued for his views,
He made headline news
When they found him curled up in the grand.
Stick your head in the sand
to not see his sleight of hand
what you can’t see
wham, bam thank you, ma’am
The blind date
While promising her a good time
He took her out just to dine
She swooned “It’s so lush”
He told her to hush
“I don’t like you finishing mine.”
My Second Visit To Janie
I bought Janie, my “life coach” a basket
Of candy, but then blew a gasket.
She had said, “Life is grand.”
But today took my hand
To help her jump into her casket.
Certain Pols have now taken a stand,
On the border, and here’s what they’ve planned:
Starting (maybe) manana
They’ll be dumping piranha,
In the Rio that’s known as the Grande.
He’s famous and wealthy and young
And slender and tall and well-hung.
Ladies think that he’s grand,
But when seen close at hand,
He’s just dull. But let’s leave that unsung.
“Unisex Little League, Mary speaks to the coach:
“Coach Jones, I don’t like your selection.
In this game, I need lots of protection.
Right field’s not for me,
And I hope you agree:
It will totally spoil my complexion.”
From my seat I could see him approach.
He sat next to me, puffing a roach.
Cradled under one arm
Was a jug of Boone’s Farm.
That’s the last time I’ll travel by coach.
Even Babies Know About Computers These Days
Many promising babies pursue
Computer skills. Who ever knew?
These astute “infant geeks”
Have ingenious techniques.
And their search engine’s known as “Goo-Goo”
My precocious unbearable niece
Does nothing but play Fur Elise
Really bad on my grand,
But the secret I’ve planned
Will provide me with infinite peace.
He was a mean old football coach
Who always had an odd approach
His antennas were long
His mouth was all wrong
His faced featured a giant cock-roach
I was challenged to dance off
From a boss with a very bad cough
Danced, spinning around
And then he almost drowned
As he choked, from the almost face-off
Stick your head in the sand
and everything will be grand
you won’t see
how I won in 2023
“I’m your savior,” said MAGA man
He had a very tight grip
When he kissed her luscious lips
It stirred him up bad
He forgot his name was Chad
Didn’t realized that he’d just stripped
Old Football Days
The coach and him had a discussion,
When it looked like he had a concussion.
Though bad for his brain,
In the game he’d remain,
‘Cause hell, he was leading in rushin’!
“Greetings, fans we are sure in a stew.
Coach Riley’s been out with the flu.
But all will be fine
If you get in a line
And tell ev’ry jerk what to do.”
Senior Citizen Beauty Problem
My hair used to be thick and lush.
Fellas’ loved it, they’d totally gush.
But where did it go?
Gee, I’ve searched high and low.
Fine’ly found it curled up in my brush.
Sorry, I think I made a “tense” mistake in above limerick, L2
Senior Citizen Beauty Problem
My hair used to be thick and lush.
So exquisite, it made the men gush.
But where did it go?
I’ve searched high and low.
Fine’ly found it curled up in my brush.
Lecter Junior consulted his Grand
Pa Hannibal in Cannibal Land:
“Do I nibble her ear,
And murmur, ‘My dear,’
Before I can ask for her hand?”
With his sword, if not quick to riposte,
He knew losing a limb was the cost.
But his prowess was grand,
He could count on one hand,
The very few fights that he’d lost.
Six horse power; four wheels on the floor
Was a good spec’ in old days of yore
For the coach of a queen
In which to be seen
As it swept past the downtrodden poor.
Celebration day turned to charade,
After fine preparations were made:
The Queen’s coach dashed in front
Of the King’s, in a stunt
To reign on his debut parade.
To my best buddy Steve, let us toast.
He’s a guy who’s entitled to boast.
A little League Coach
With a real cool approach:
The kids with hot moms learn the most.
Said Sir Lancelot “Life’s not so grand
When your date turns you down out-of-hand.”
Said Sir Kay, “Well I hear
That our Queen Guinevere
Always welcomes a quick one-knight stand.”
They’d prepared him, for everyone knows he
Gives speeches demented or dozy.
Though they’d coached him so well,
Donald still couldn’t tell
Nikki Haley from Nancy Pelosi.
It had seemed like a promising trip,
But his search for the names made him flip.
Telling Nancy from Nikki
Was horribly tricky —
Poor Donald had quite lost his grip;
We have thin walls (though decor is lush)
So I really must ask you to hush.
Your sexy yarn tales
With their moaning and wails
Are causing the neighbours to blush.
With the clock ticking down to the wire;
‘Pleased the coach with my game-winning flyer.
Later, chatting with coach,
He lit me a roach;
True to form, he was taking me higher.
Her husband was promising me,
That his wife he was soon setting free
To search once again
In this world full of men
For one who’s more loving than he.
My grandma once told me a yarn
That Jesus was born in a barn.
I consulted a sleuth
To search for the truth;
But frankly, I don’t give a darn.
Nubile Florence had searched high and low
For a promising guy (one with dough).
She was cute and nineteen;
Tom was lush with the green.
He decided to go with the Flo.
GRAND
In South Africa life is not grand.
Our politicians have stolen te Rand.
They all live in a niche
Where they think they are rich
Which allows them to pass hand to hand!
COACHES
We all know that a criminal poaches
By stealing from people in coaches.
Victims won’t tolerate
So to show that they hate
They cover him up with cockroaches.
GRIP, LUSH, PROMISING, SEARCH, YARN
All tourists arrive in a rush
‘Cos Garden Route scenery’s lush
All too often they trip
As they don’t get a grip
And no yarn lets them fall into slush
The subject that I’d like to broach
Is repairs that you made to my coach.
It’s slower, not faster,
An utter disaster,
Your mechanic’s in need of reproach.
I’d rather fly coach than first class.
Don’t try to upgrade me. I’ll pass.
My seat is just fine.
So keep your free wine.
I won’t pay you to pamper my ass.
With ambitions excessively grand,
Ronny D. sought to govern the land
By appealing to spite.
Why’d it all turn to shite?
He infringed on The Former Guy’s brand.
The mobsters have made their demand:
A ransom of sixty-five grand.
You had best acquiesce;
Do not bargain for less.
Else your death throes may soon be at hand.
Those coaches drive kids way too hard.
Their tactics leave little tykes scarred.
Should kids balk when they’re pushed
Past potential, they’re “shushed”
And their welfare giv’n little regard.
My once-promising search for the grail
Is all over. The end of the trail
Has been reached. I’m defeated.
My hope’s been depleted.
My coffin’s now seen its last nail.
The father of my father’s dad
Was cruel and made everyone sad.
So I can’t understand
Why he’s called “great” and “grand”
When we know that old bastard was bad.
The conductor had lost his command,
So the baseball coach put up his hand.
With a swing variation,
Enthralling the nation,
His big hit was “Strike out the band.”
Smoking dope by the gal he’d once lusted,
(Now a statue with medals encrusted),
He kept a spare roach
In that bust of his coach,
But was caught. One could say he got busted.
One “away” team won’t deign to encroach,
On the home team’s aggressive approach.
They don’t care if they lose;
On the bus they’ve stashed booze,
So they’re keeping all eyes on the coach.
Socks, The Horse, on his way to the barn,
Met The Kitten in search of some yarn….
This olde Aesop’s fable,
I’d spin were I able,
But I’m not, and I don’t give a darn.
She’s a sweetheart, so lovely and lush
That I’m gripped by a terrible crush.
I’d describe what I feel,
But bliff nargle skoj pleel.
I’m afraid that my brain’s turned to mush.
I was tired of frequenting bars.
No more searching, the day I met Lars.
We were wed in a zip.
He was known for his grip.
Lars is gross, but he opens my jars.
Sip-Slidin’ All Day ~
I’m just a bump on a log
if I don’t have some rum in eggnog
and in winter, to warm up
a nice steaming-hot cup
of Swedish Glögg (a.k.a. grog).
I do know that I’ll be lost in dreamland,
When my first grandchild comes as is planned.
And I’ll say on that day,
To dear Eliza Mae,
“That just being your grandma is grand!”
A promising early calm spring
Hints the rest of the season will bring
Many flowers, so lush,
In gardens real plush.
A sweet-smelling air it will bring.
WRONG !! OOPS!!
A promising early calm spring
Hints the rest of the season will bring
Many flowers, so lush
In gardens, real plush.
(And a blossoming time for a fling)
While the cat’s away…
Not a cool cat; our coach was not nice.
He’d scream “Give me a HIT, – you’re like mice”.
So we sent him (one-way)
On a “long holiday”.
Our hit-man was well worth the price.
While dancing one night at the Grand,
Things developed just as she had planned.
The first was her date,
The second; his mate,
And the third was the resident band!
The coach had seemed most unassuming,
The gymnast so clearly was blooming.
But when the said mentor
Said; “Know what this tent’s for?”
He was soon in the dock for his grooming.
I fell for her PROMISING GRIP
As she started, so LUSHly, to strip.
She’d spun me a YARN,
(I muttered; “Gawd darn!”),
As the wallpaper paste, it went d-r-i-p …
Senior Citizen Sex: Herman has a question for his social worker.
“It looks promising, cuz I’m real hip.
First, I’ll hug her, I’ve got one firm grip.
Though I’m age 92,
I still want to screw.
Is the key that we both have to strip?”
This year’s Super Bowl will be played on Feb. 11th.
The 2 competing teams will be the San Francisco Forty Niners and the Kansas City Chiefs. I like the Niners. Here was my dream (a paraphrase for the sake of the limerick :)
Millions of people were checking the score.
The game was a virtual war.
Then all of the Chiefs
Told the coach bout’ their griefs:
I pressed “submit” by mistake. I’ll try it again with some changes
The coaches kept checking the score.
This game was a virtual war!
The Chiefs lost; felt ashamed
Then strangely exclaimed
“I don’t think we’re in Kansas no more.”
Grandma says Nell’s knitting is better
And promises she will now let her
Use all her best yarn
But soon exclaims “Darn!,”
When poor Nell knits three arms in a sweater!
The Garden of Eden was lush;
Where Adam, in heat, had to rush
To that promising tryst
On his bold to-do list.
But all Eve could do was just blush.
Revision of limerick I submitted on 1/23 at 2:37 pm
My grandma once told me a yarn
That Jesus was born in a barn.
She swore that it’s true,
But between me and you —
Quite frankly, I don’t give a darn.
Said Marc Antony at Caesar’s bier:
“Good Romans, good friends. Lend an ear.
This oration’s my way
To coach you today
How to shed a real crocodile tear.”
Even though the vault heist was cleverly planned
And the bank thieves thought their plot was just grand
They failed to calculate the weight of the loot
So their truck lost an axle and went kaput
They barely escaped without a single Krugerrand
When I said, “‘I’m in search of a grip,”
The nice luggage clerk gave me a tip:
“You should have one that locks,
That’s resistant to shocks,
If you plan to white-knuckle the trip.”
“Well lordy-now isn’t life grand?”
Said the millionaire, chillin’ and tanned.
‘Twas his very last thought –
He dropped dead on the spot …
Yes, fate has us all quite in hand!
Denying the score out of hand,
The conductor is making a stand,
With posturing grandiose.
Most of the band (he owes),
Know it’s at least twenty grand.
The most beautiful wench in the land
Was the prize, as he fought for her hand.
But ragged and spent,
With his epee all bent,
His prospects weren’t looking too grand.
One quick stolen kiss was so grand
My heart raced ahead as I planned
A tryst in her bed
But dammit instead
She gave me the back of her hand.
Here is a limerick with the rhyme word GRAND that is found in a compendium of old time limericks in the book Dirty Little Limericks, Avenel Books, 1980
A squeamish young fellow named Brand
Thought stoking his manhood was grand,
But he viewed with distaste
The gelatinous paste
That it left in the palm of his hand.
The Dogwoods were splendid and grand,
Yet the arborist sadly was canned.
Seems those trees were a pain
Standing in the left lane
Of the Turnpike, (a site not well-planned)
Whenever I sit in train coaches
A feeling of dread soon encroaches
There’s a rustling sound
And before long, I’ve found
That my seat is surrounded by roaches
The thyroid’s my favorite gland.
It’s there in my neck on demand.
But at times, what the heck,
It’s a pain in the neck;
When it makes me do things less than grand.
My old carpet bag suffered a rip;
‘Sued the railway right after my trip.
Said Judge Judy in court:
“Your yarn is a rort,
I’ve thrown out your
Case, – get a grip!”
I’ve a motherley mother you see,
Plus a fatherley mother (such glee!).
To discern ‘twixt the two
Here’s what I must do:
One’s Gran M and the other’s Gran D.
The enthusiasts offer reproaches
As the layman, in their world, encroaches.
There’s many a fuss
If you call it a bus,
And not one of their lovable coaches.
In the battle of Chalons-sur-Marne,
Attila lost grip and cried; “Darn!
Those Vis’goths and Romans
Had too many bowmen
My Gen’rals have spun me a yarn”.
(Attila the Hun was defeated thus in AD 451)
Attention All Limerick-Off Procrastinators: The current Limerick-Off ends this Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
This latest great poem of mine
Was designed to be truly divine.
From the start it was planned
To be epic and grand,
But it stopped after just the fifth line.
Some lush-sounding songsters from Yonkers
Formed a promising choir, but some honkers
Joined in on their tunes
With wails worse than loons,
Cuz they thought they could sing, but they’re bonkers!
Here is my sequel to the old limerick (above) about ‘the fellow named Brand’:
Now the wife of the fellow named Brand
Is happy and thinks that life’s grand.
Because she loves the taste
Of gelatinous paste
And goes down on her knees on demand.
Though they’d all done their utmost to coach
Tucker Carlson, to help him approach
Vladimir the Insane,
The results were inane,
Like a flea interviewing a roach.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun Limerick-Off, which is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 518. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Wry.