A woman was stunned and aghast
On learning her husband’s dark past.
Seems the man had a sheet
That was long and replete
With crimes both severe and half-assed.
So she threw her spouse out on the street
With the help of two lawyers elite.
(For divorce, they were tops!)
No surprise that the cops
Now have murder to add to his sheet.
Said the patient, “My broken arm itches.
It hurts me and frequently twitches.
So take off this cast!
Do it now! Do it fast!”
Said the doc with a laugh, “I’m in stitches.”
When I shop at the Amazon store,
Here’s a problem that’s hard to ignore:
Is it pie in the sky
To hope stuff that I buy
Will be stacked without blocking my door?
Sundry word games are making me daft.
I pretend they’re improving my craft.
But I’ll play till I drop,
Though I know I should stop.
Now I’m drowning. Don’t laugh! Where’s my raft?
(Games Day falls each year on December 20th.)
“Let’s circle back later,” they say.
That phrase tries my patience, so NAY!
It’s a roundabout ploy
To evade and annoy…
Plus I’m dizzy. The answer’s NO WAY!
“Let’s not eat here,” said Brad. “It’s for nerds.
And I’ve heard that the food tastes like turds.”
But Brad’s meal-mate insisted
And raved: “Can’t resist it!”
Brad ended up eating his words.
It’s “Screwdriver Day.” Yay! Hooray!
Which type should be cheered? Well, they say
It’s the drink; not the tool.
(The reverse would be cruel.)
I intend to start early. Good day!
(National Screwdriver Day is celebrated on December 14th.)
Notwithstanding this limerick, I do stretching exercises daily:
It’s important to stretch, so I’m told.
Some claim it fights pain when you’re old.
I prefer not to kvetch,
But that feels like a stretch…
Though with luck, it might fend off a cold.
(“National Stretching Day” falls on December 11th.)
“It’s Bagel Day. Buy one! Don’t dally!”
That order did NOT cause my sally
To a favorite store;
Such commands I’ll ignore,
For I always prefer a bialy.
(“National Have A Bagel Day” is celebrated on December 11th, and National Bagel Day is celebrated on January 15th.)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using GOAL or GOALS or GOAL’S at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to PERKS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best PERK-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
CLUMSY, CONDEMNED, ODDS, SHAKE, WAVES.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on January 7, 2024, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 6, 2024 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my GOAL or GOALS or GOAL’S-Rhyme Limerick:
“What’s your preference? Bagels or rolls?”
Asked a bakery-bound woman. “My goal’s
A quick breakfast, then work.”
Her new boyfriend, a jerk,
Said “I favor the flavor of holes.”
And here’s my PERK-Themed Limerick:
A cocky young teen liked to smirk
And would frequently act like a jerk.
When ordered to shed
His rudeness, he said:
“I’m rich, and I’m told it’s a perk.”
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
A clumsy old fellow named Ken
Was so klutzy that men now and then
Would call him a clod
And condemn him as odd,
While his ex-wife would nod an “amen.”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
One young lady agreed to a match,
With the richest old man she could catch.
The decision seemed rash,
But she married for cash.
It appears she was itching for scratch.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special Mistake-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
After many loud protests in jail,
His attempt to escape was a fail.
He curled up in a sack
In a truck, out the back
Which (it turned out) was incoming mail.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: FAULTY, HUSTLE, MEAN, POT, STICK. (Though it’s certainly NOT required, TIM used all five of those words.)
He’s a hustler who’s mean when on pot,
But just look at the girlfriend he’s got!
She’s so brainy and fine,
Yet she sticks with that swine.
Her judgment’s not faulty; it’s shot.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dallman Ross, Terry Marter, Marieta McGrath, Tim James, Byron Miller, Janice Canerdy, Steven Kent, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Doug Harris, George Larson, Kirk Miller, Tony Holmes, Steve Johnston, J.OConnor, Lisi Nortman, Phil Woodford, Mark Totterdell, William Preston, Gail White, Rudy Landesman, and Jeanine Silverio. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CATCH or CATCHES-RHYME DIVISION)
Dallman Ross:
A subway straphanger named Craig
Took the Metro due East from the Hague.
Though he wanted to catch
This year’s Rotterdam match,
What he caught was the Omicron plague.
Terry Marter:
Little Ricky encountered a catch:
His uniquely small dick was no match
For the fact that the thatch
Of blonde hair on her patch
Made it tricky to access her snatch.
Marieta McGrath:
A man with a peg leg and patch
Used Tinder to find him a match.
His only reply
Was a shark who said, “Hi,
You look like you could be a catch!”
Tim James:
There once was a fellow named Tim
Who met a hot gal at the gym.
She thought him a catch,
So she offered her snatch.
I wish *I* were the Tim in this lim!
Byron Miller:
Lady Guinevere strikes up a match,
Lights a fart near her Knight-weary snatch;
“Ain’t my beautiful ass
Just a natural gas,”
She proclaims, as her thatch starts to catch.
Janice Canerdy, for her “Grandma’s Extra-Special Brownies”
You want brownies? She’ll make you a batch.
They’re fantastic, but there is a catch.
They’ll make you feel good,
Like no brownie should;
She adds pot to those treats made from scratch.
Steven Kent:
I’m aware that my girl is a catch,
So I’ll do what she wants me to, natch:
Wash her car, buy her jewels,
Fix her stuff with my tools,
Snatch her kiss when I can (and vice versa.)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When fishing from piers got too old,
Rod tried ice fishing (just to be bold.)
He imagined he’d snatch
From the lake a big catch,
But all that he caught was a cold.
Doug Harris:
The chick from the egg duly hatches,
But mystery quickly attaches:
The process reversed
Ponders which one came first?
A sequel to Schrödinger’s catches …
George Larson:
A fly-tying fool tries to match
The appearance of this morning’s hatch;
Casting over the lake,
He hopes he can fake
Out the big one he’s trying to catch.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (MISTAKE-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Marieta McGrath:
A scatterbrained girl, Annie Ferrer
Discovered that she’d made an error:
She went out of her house
With only a blouse,
And the neighbourhood boys fled in terror.
Kirk Miller:
A cartographer’s really astute;
Draws relief maps of mountains. He’ll shoot
For perfection each time.
Though his maps are sublime,
When he makes a mistake, it’s a butte.
Tony Holmes:
I am haunted on cold, winter nights,
By the errors of youth. The delights –
Wine and women, fast cars,
Making love ’neath the stars –
These I should have been doing, by rights.
Tim James:
You may think I’m an arrogant flake,
But for years I have managed to make
Not one error or blunder.
I’m really a wonder!
Just think … not a single misteak!
Steve Johnston:
There was a young virgin named Pearl,
Who thought to give childbirth a whirl.
It seems all along,
The plumbing was wrong,
The virgin’s name should have been Earl.
J.OConnor:
There once was a fellow named Jim.
Who often did things on a whim.
When he jumped in the lake
It was a mistake.
He first should have learned how to swim.
Lisi Nortman:
I make countless mistakes, to the MAX!
Do I worry? No sir! I relax!
Not to brag, I’m a pro
Cuz I’ve got this M.O. :
I remember to cover my tracks.
Tim James:
“Mistakes were made.” That’s a cliché.
It’s a passive-voice way not to say
Who screwed up, who’s to blame.
It’s a con artist’s game
Whereby those at fault all get away.
Phil Woodford, for his “Missed Steak”
Young carnivores keen to pitch woo
Had reserved a smart table for two.
But they’d made a mistake,
As the meat was all fake
And their ribeye was made of tofu.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Goddess Gaia was quick to exalt
Her good taste when the Earth rendered salt.
When a bad earthquake came,
Was she stuck with the blame?
No. She claimed that it wasn’t her fault.
Mark Totterdell:
It perhaps was a blunder to get
A large tiger to keep as a pet,
As its claws do so catch
In my flesh with each scratch
That I’m feeling a twinge of regret.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: FAULTY, HUSTLE, MEAN, POT, STICK.)
William Preston:
You will never develop some muscle
By failing to get up and hustle;
Instead, you will not
Have a gut, but a pot,
And a gluteus maximus bustle.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Such a lazy boat owner is Russell;
He won’t hasten, or hurry, or hustle.
High on pot, he might mull,
Over thoughts of his hull,
But, alas, without moving a mussel.
Gail White:
With the words “pot” and “stick” on the screen,
I could really write something obscene,
But I think I’d be wise
To pass up the prize
By saying much less than I mean.
Rudy Landesman:
A young ballerina, they say,
Was doing the “Hustle” one day.
Though her critics were mean,
It had to be seen:
She added a sexy plié.
Lisi Nortman:
The hustle of wild County Cork
Is upsetting sweet Patrick O’Rourke.
He claims, “Folks here are mean.
I need a new scene.
Begorra! I’ll move to New York.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A stick bug repeated verbatim:
“I’m a twig, I’m a twig. That’s the datum.”
By this means of illusion,
He hid from intrusion,
Till a termite (who bought the lie) ate him.
Lisi Nortman:
After work Mama hustled to buy
Lots of meals in a large bulk supply.
She divorced Harry Johnson
To marry Clarke Swanson.
In honor of chicken pot pie.
Jeanine Silverio:
With nostalgia for disco, old Russell
Hit the dance floor to do a mean hustle.
But he backed up too quick,
Then collapsed on the kick:
“Oh my God, I done tore my butt muscle!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
“Do I eat like a horse? Nay,” said Ray.
“So stop saying I do, right away!
I stand falsely accused
And feel bruised, yet amused,
For the truth is I never touch hay!”
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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