MAD KANE'S HUMOR BLOG

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to RUDY LANDESMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Had a dream. What it meant, I don’t know.
A raven or maybe a crow
Flew into my room
And announced gloom and doom.
Gotta stop reading Edgar A. Poe.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special LIST-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“I feel languid again — what a chore,”
Laments Lackluster, starting to snore.
His wife, quite the shrew,
Makes a lengthy to-do,
And now Lackluster’s listless no more.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: ADVICE, CHECK, NOTES, SLIDER, SNOBBISH.

At the hamburger joint I espied her,
Twelve boxes of sliders beside her.
Take note of the fact
That because of this act
Her bankroll’s now thinner; she’s wider.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Tim James, Bob Turvey, George Larson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Mark Totterdell, Jean McEwen, Marieta McGrath, J.OConnor, Doug Harris, Lisi Nortman, and Janice Canerdy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CROW-RHYME DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

He tattooed her fine breast; his price low.
After which, to her friends she would crow
About her good deal,
Where she’d offered a feel:
It was all Tit for Tat; quid pro quo.

Tim James:

Thirteen ravens, five jays, and a crow
Caused great terror wherever they’d go;
And they still induce fear
In the people they’re near.
They’re the CORVID 19, as you know.

Bob Turvey:

Here’s a tale that concerns a young peasant;
When he stroked his cock he found it pleasant.
Quite stiff it would grow
And then start to crow –
He can’t wait now to stroke his wife’s pheasant.

George Larson:

His hot-rod was mostly for show;
He bragged to his friends it would go
Like a bat out of hell,
But it didn’t go well.
At the end, the guy had to eat crow.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When some hawks hear the squawks from below,
The caws cause them to sway to-and-fro.
Their most favorite prey,
Isn’t Corvid, per se,
But they love to sing, “I Gotta Crow!”

Mark Totterdell:

Those ugly old crow’s feet that show
Round my eyes are the way that I know
That my youth is behind,
But I just wouldn’t mind
If they weren’t still attached to the crow.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (LIST-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

My stupidity can’t be denied
’Cause I laughed really hard, till I cried
When my gal split her pants
While attempting to dance.
On her shit list is where I reside.

Jean E McEwen:

I’ve got too many Things to Do lists.
I just can’t keep them straight; each exists
On its own scrap of paper.
It’s too hard a caper
To merge them; thus, chaos persists.

Terry Marter:

On a long windy sailing-boat ride
I was so sick and bored that I cried.
So I wrote a long list
Of life’s “pleasures” not missed
With “A boat with a list to one side.”

Tim James:

Santa’s finished with making his list.
He just checked it, and boy, is he pissed.
Naughty kids are online,
Where they’re bullies and swine.
How he wishes they’d cease and desist!

Marieta McGrath:

I jotted down three things to do.
The first was to buy superglue.
The rest became moot
As I shouted out “Shoot!
I had glued both my hands to my shoe!”

George Larson:

The birder makes lists as he goes
Of all of the species he knows.
But sadly, today
They were all chased away
By a murder of ornery crows.

Terry Marter:

Listen up, lest you don’t get my gist:
You’re as drunk as a skunk; Brahms and Liszt.
You’ve mumbled and stammered
Which shows that you’re hammered…
And a long list of terms that mean pissed.

Bob Turvey:

A lawyer once said to Miss May,
“I will list all your assets today.
Do you have property?”
She answered, “I’ve three;
There’s China, Ceylon and Earl Grey.”

J.OConnor:

Pharma ads all have jingles these days.
For drug sales it’s one of the ways
To get you to think
That their drug doesn’t stink
As the list of each side effect plays.

Doug Harris:

In Pisa the Bishop is pissed;
At the Foreman he’s shaking his fist.
He’s displaying unease
At about four degrees –
The builder’s not finished his list …

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: ADVICE, CHECK, NOTES, SLIDER, SNOBBISH)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Hyde consulted a shrink for advice,
(who took notes and seemed very precise.)
He said, “Doc, this is it:
My poor psyche is split,
So make sure that you’re writing this twice.”

Lisi Nortman, for her “Teaching The Wife About Baseball”

“Take notes, dear, to practice a slider.”
(I gave her a ball, just to guide ’er.)
“Now, it’s all in the grip.
Place your hand on the tip.”
(An approach that might get me inside ’er.)

Jean McEwen:

Let me give you a piece of advice:
Before you mock others, think twice.
Hold your tongue; check yourself.
Leave that taunt on a shelf.
Think whatever you like – but play nice.

Lisi Nortman, for her “Annoying Rebecca”

Here’s advice: don’t go shopping with Beck.
You’ll come home and complain, “I’m a wreck.”
She went shopping with me
At the Town Dollar Tree,
And for one gum drop, Beck paid by check.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When I offered a crumb to a spider,
(Please take note I sought not to deride her),
“Super-size it!” she snapped,
So at once I unwrapped
The whole sandwich and slipped her my slider.

Janice Canerdy:

I’m not snobbish, just misunderstood.
You don’t kowtow to me as you should.
If you’d seek my advice—
Only mine will suffice–
You’d be MORE like me, just not as good.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

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