Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CROW at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: November 11, 2023)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CROW at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to LISTS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best LIST-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
ADVICE, CHECK, NOTES, SLIDER, SNOBBISH
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on November 12, 2023, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, November 11, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my CROW-Rhyme Limerick:
A know-it-all neighbor will crow
About exploits, vacations, and dough.
When I spot him I try
To sidestep the guy…
Or annoy him with wry tales of woe.
And here’s my LIST-Themed Limerick:
How I love the occasional lift
That can spring out of wordplay; I’ll sift
Through an idiom list
For the whiff of a twist
That might trigger a limerick gift.
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
“I’m so sick of this place,” a gal sighed.
“The moms in this playground are snide
And snobbish and rude,
Like that mom with her brood.”
(I advised her to let it all slide.)
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Advice Limerick, Competition Limerick, Idiom Humor, Idiom Limericks, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, List Humor, List Limerick, Neighbors Humor, Neighbors Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Wordplay, Writing Prompts
Years ago, there was something I missed.
Since then, without fail, I persist
In checking things twice,
Cause once won’t suffice.
And include in a list, “Make a list.”
Supporters of Trump, as we know,
Are dodo birds. Yet even so,
A word to the wise.
Don’t parrot his lies,
Or soon you’ll be eating some crow.
This advice I give freely, so hark!
Pitch the ball to the plate in an arc.
For a pitch that breaks wider,
Try using a slider;
And the ball likely stays in the park.
A stocky crow broke many laws.
Was arrested and dragged by his claws.
His lawyer, (a pro)
Said, “Don’t worry, Crow
There still is no probable caws.”
“When I’m Prez, all them scumbags’ll go
Straight to jail”, Don continues to crow.
“Yeah, I’m keepin’ a list
Of them creeps who have dissed
Me, beginnin’ with old Crooked Joe.”
Thirteen ravens, five jays, and a crow
Caused great terror wherever they’d go;
And they still induce fear
In the people they’re near.
They’re the CORVID 19, as you know.
A lawyer once said to Miss May,
“I will list all your assets today.
Do you have property?”
She answered, “I’ve three;
There’s China, Ceylon and Earl Grey.”
Here’s a tale that concerns a young peasant;
When he stroked his cock he found it pleasant.
Quite stiff it would grow
And then start to crow –
He can’t wait now to stroke his wife’s pheasant.
to Bob Turvey…I love this one!
A lawyer once said to Miss May,
“I will list all your assets today.
Do you have property?”
She answered, “I’ve three;
There’s China, Ceylon and Earl Grey.”
“I don’t know what your name is,” said Joe
“It’s not one I’ve heard yet, you know”
“Es simple to fix
Es a plain bird, no tricks
Or a safety deposit—es CROW!!!
Voice Mail
“Hello again there, Mr. Snyder.
It’s Canary, your private Insider.
I have sent you a fax
With news bout’ Big Macs:
Check this out: they have morphed to “Small Slider.”
There once was a grizzled old crow
who wandered corn fields to and fro.
Though no scarecrows were there,
he touched nary an ear
’cause his starch intake had to be low.
I’ve got too many Things to Do lists.
I just can’t keep them straight; each exists
On its own scrap of paper.
It’s too hard a caper
To merge them; thus, chaos persists.
Boastful Bess has been forced to eat crow.
She’d predicted, for months, to her beau,
That the prize for “Best Dressed”
And for “Babe with Best Breasts”
She would win – yet, both went to a foe.
Let me give you a piece of advice.
Before you mock others, think twice.
Hold your tongue; check yourself.
Leave that taunt on a shelf.
Think whatever you like – but play nice.
Thank you Jean McEwan. It will be difficult, but I’ll try to heed your advice.
Rudy
The party was in the throw
trying to bluff and blow
but with his history
and with his blasphemy
MAGA man finally ate crow
Listen up, lest you don’t get my gist:
You’re as drunk as a skunk; Brahms and Liszt.
You’ve mumbled and stammered
Which shows that you’re hammered,
And a long list of terms that mean pissed.
On a long windy sailing-boat ride
I was so sick and bored that I cried.
So I started a list
of life’s “pleasures” not missed,
With: A boat with a list to one side.
It’s surprising; to what lengths you’ll go
When hungry and tired
And feel slow.
I said to friend Ray
Since birding all day
I’m so starved I could murder a crow.
A few of my friends are real nice.
Not snobbish, their smiles will suffice.
They have flair and finesse.
It’s a pretty good guess.
They’re the ones who tossed out my advice.
Hyde consulted a shrink for advice,
(who took notes and seemed very precise).
He said, “Doc, this is it:
My poor psyche is split,
So make sure that you’re writing this twice.”
Santa’s finished with making his list.
He just checked it, and boy, is he pissed.
Naughty kids are online,
Where they’re bullies and swine.
How he wishes they’d cease and desist!
“Annoying Rebecca”
Here’s advice: don’t go shopping with Beck.
You’ll come home and complain, “I’m a wreck”
She went shopping with me
At the “Town Dollar Tree.”
And for one gum drop Beck paid by check.
“Ah, fin’ly,” said Harriet Stowe
“I’ve got all my ducks in a row”
And, oh, was she smug
Until – just her luck –
The middle one started to crow
Snobbishly, Annabelle noted
Advised all and sundry – and gloated –
That Plump Polly tried
To go down a slide
Not checking if she was too bloated
Just how did they ever decide
Lion groups should be known as “a pride”?
And whoever chose
“A murder of crows”
Must have wished all those damn birds had died.
Bird Group Names
It’s silly, the names that they chose:
“Vulture volt” and a “murder of crows.”
But if I got to choose
A group name we should use,
“Cuckoo congress” seems right on the nose.
He tattooed her breast; his price low.
After which, to her friends she would crow
About her good deal,
Where she’d offered a feel:
It was all Tit for Tat’; quid pro quo.
“Side Effects”
My wife has real bleak expectations
About her umpteen medications.
On her vast lengthy list
There is nothing she’s missed.
And it’s titled, “Defunct Complications”
His hot-rod was mostly for show,
He bragged to his friends it would go
Like a bat out of hell,
But it didn’t go well,
At the end, the guy had to eat crow.
My “Bucket List”: have an affair.
Then learn how to dance like Astaire.
Jumping out of a plane.
And trying cocaine.
Most importantly, shooting a bear.
My stupidity can’t be denied
‘Cause I laughed really hard, till I cried,
When my gal split her pants
While attempting to dance.
On her shit list is where I reside.
Here’s advice which the whole world could use
Write this note, and you’ll never confuse
The way to get dressed.
Folks will be real impressed:
“The pants go ahead of the shoes.”
I’m so organized, you can sure bet
When one’s structured, they’re never upset!
I have lists for each date.
Even lists that I hate.
Titled, “Things That I Know I’ll Forget.”
OR
I’m so organized, you can sure bet
When one’s structured, they’re never upset!
I have lists for each date.
Even lists that I hate:
Titled, “things that I’d like to forget.”
On the beach in Cancun I met Flo.
She had sand on her bent hammer toe.
She looked like a fly.
And next to each eye
Florence sported the feet of a crow.
“Neverland”
“I’m Peter Pan. I never grow.
Come fly with me, then you will know
That life is a fling.
You will beam when I sing
The magical, “I’ve Got A Crow.”
(Mary Martin, 1954)
Here’s advice: don’t hang out with Dupree
She’s snobbish, and most folks agree.
“Du” thinks she’s a queen
Cuz when she was sixteen
She got diabetes type 3.
With only two things on my list
And sure that no need had been missed
I went to the shop
An in-and-out pop
For twenty things not on my list
I jotted down three things to do
The first was to buy superglue
The rest became moot
As I shouted, “Shoot!”
“I glued both my hands to my shoe!”
My brother was and is a fervent baseball fan. I couldn’t have cared less about what a “slider” was but he made me learn. (Honestly)
“The Deceptive Slider: Teaching The Wife About Baseball”
“My dear, I will demonstrate slider.”
And then I laid right down beside ‘er
“It’s all in the grip.
Place your hand on the tip.”
(A cool way to get right insid’er)
OOPS! I need another “Random” Teaching The Wife About Baseball
“Take notes, dear I’ll demonstrate “slider”
And then I laid right down beside ‘er.
“It’s all in the grip
Place your hand on the tip.”
(A cool way to get right inside’er)
At the hamburger joint I espied her,
Twelve boxes of sliders beside her.
Take note of the fact
That because of this act
Her bankroll’s now thinner; she’s wider.
Those Olympians*, who raised a fist
In protest and would not desist,
Are still, I would say,
To this very day
On the FBI’S bad hombre list.
*Tommie Smith and John Carlos in 1968
Had a dream. What it meant, I don’t know.
A raven or maybe a crow
Flew into my room
And announced gloom and doom.
Gotta stop reading Edgar A. Poe.
Don’t be snobbish. Let’s just have some Coors.
That beer always cheaply ensures
That we’ll have some fun
(Take note of this hon)
At my place or even up yours.
Pharma ads all have jingles these days.
For drug sales it’s one of the ways
To get you to think
That their drug doesn’t stink
As the list of each side effect plays.
The G.O.P.’s low on my list;
Its members keep leaving me pissed.
Jim Jordan, Matt Gaetz
And the rest of their mates;
Plus T-rump whose hiney they kissed.
Lines by her eyes were feet of crow
Covered by creams, they do not show
But I’d rather laugh freely
And ignore crow’s feet neatly
My smiley face will always glow
Birthday Limerick
In the yard are the scarecrows.
My birthday candles are in neat rows.
Sing if you must.
Your dancing I don’t trust.
Remember dear don’t step on my toes.
Important Newlywed Advice For The Bride
Here’s marriage advice that’s real wise.
To ev-er-y wife it applies.
“The Thermostat’s His
You don’t know where it is”
Check page 6 for “Required White Lies.”
The Marriage Manual
Here’s marriage advice that’s real wise.
To ev-er-y guy it applies.
“Hark back to Jack Sprat
Your wife isn’t fat.”
Check page 3 for “Required White Lies.”
When I offered a crumb to a spider,
(Please take note I sought not to deride her),
“Super-size it!” she snapped,
So at once I unwrapped,
The whole sandwich and slipped her my slider.
Limerick Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
It takes 14 hours each day
To make sure that the meter’s okay.
The uniqueness and rhymes
Are checked 50 times.
I guess I’m just snobbish that way.
He was known as a fine cocky Crow.
With arrows he had the best bow.
But on horseback he failed.
He fell off and railed,
„Isn’t bareback on the down low?“
Down the ski slope my fam-i-ly slides.
But always along with our guides.
They give us advice.
And they’re very precise
Bout’ info the E.R. provides.
In a Mexican bar, he blabbed on.
(My advice was: Shut up and be gone.)
He’s a loud, snobbish gringo
Who can’t speak the lingo.
“Bring el checko! Hey, where is your juan?”
The sound engineer’s keen off-sider
Said “Kill those bad notes; pull the slider.”
Then came backstage advice:
“That won’t make it sound nice,
Cuz the band’s pissed; they’ve drunk all the rider.”
Sorry Mad. It happened again. I forgot not to post from my PC. I reposted this copy from my phone, the previous copy disappeared again. Still baffled: It’s not my PC cuz it also disappears via my phone with copy/paste, and only works if I copy then tap clipboard (which is different method). Doesn’t work from laptop either. So weird. Anyone else have any clues?
******************
From Mad:
I continue to be perplexed about this issue! I share your frustration!
I don’t often try to impress.
But repeatedly I have success.
Call me snobbish, (who cares?)
I won’t shed any tears.
Cuz I’d rather play checkers than chess.
OR “The Confused Snob
I don’t often try to impress.
But repeatedly I have success.
Call me snobbish, (who cares?)
I won’t shed any tears.
Cuz I’m better at checkers than chess.
“I feel languid again — what a chore,”
Laments Lackluster, starting to snore.
His wife, quite the shrew,
Makes a lengthy to-do,
And now Lackluster’s listless no more.
Trumbull flashed his trombone with great pride
(all the notes wearing hats, he let slide).
He’d pump it two-fisted,
But soon things got twisted,
So now he just plays on the side.
Columnist Janie Anachronism “The Latest And Greatest’, Page 1
The Fossil Times
“It’s the latest device, there’s no doubt
Nothing like it has ever come out!
Seven pictures that slide.
Each 5 inches wide.
It’s called “View-Master.” Hey! Check it out”
Oops: Rhyming Error
“It’s the world’s best invention, no doubt.
And now I will tell you about
7 pictures that slide.
Each 5 inches wide.
It’s called “View-Master.” Hey! Check it out.”
There once was a clothes snob named Mabel,
Who was noted for being most able,
To wear her couture,
With uncommon allure —
Inside out, so she’d show off the label.
Hi Terry,
I love it when people speak Greek to me.
Rudy
Don Giovanni’d been keeping a list.*
His droit de seigneur never missed.
He’d have one girl each day
And then went away;
But none of them he ever kissed.
*In the opera it was Leporello that kept the list for his boss, but perhaps Mozart was mistaken.
Card games like poker or whist
Are not on my favorite list.
Canasta’s a bore
And bridge I abhor.
But old maid is the game that I’ve missed.
They’d note his distinct lack of flair.
Debutantes found him not debonair.
Those snoots that were snobbish
Just saw him as slobbish.
Too wretched for rarefied air.
Meter problem in my last submission.
Some card games like poker or whist
Are not on my favorite list.
Canasta’s a bore
And bridge I abhor.
Old maid is the game that I’ve missed.
Each morning the rooster did crow
thereby waking old farmer Joe
Joe then did get up
Filled his coffee cup
Sat back cause you can’t plow the snow.
Grocery Shopping
In “self-check-out” I always feel dumb.
Gee, what has this bot world become?
You slide all the food,
Then you’re in a bad mood.
Cuz you can’t find the code for a plum.
There was once an old eagle named Moe,
Who claimed always to be in the know.
That puddles were oceans
Was one of his notions,
So he had to end up eating crow.
I’ve a Corvidian fam’ly you know,
I’m shiny and black. quite a beau.
You might think I’m carrion
And hardly worth marryin’,
But about me there’s plenty to crow.
In Pisa the Bishop is pissed;
At the Foreman he’s shaking his fist.
He’s displaying unease
At about four degrees –
The builder’s not finished his list …
Advice To Wives, Especially Those With Children
My husband’s a cheater, a swine.
Ladies, check for a clue or a sign.
I found lots of “love notes”
With very lewd quotes.
Gosh, who knows if my baby is mine?
There was a young lady who crowed,
on bearded fellas she rode,
and cawed like a raven
on others unshaven
and afterwards croaked like a toad !
When some hawks hear the squawks from below,
The caws cause them to sway to-and-fro.
Their most favorite prey,
Isn’t Corvid, per se,
But they love to sing, “I Gotta Crow!”
A rich guy who’s named Harlan Crow
Plied a Justice with yachtloads of dough.
Could His Honor be bought?
Heavens, perish the thought!
But did Thomas disclose it? Hell no.
The skier went fast down the piste
The snow was just mill to his grist 😊
But he went arse over tit
As a large Pylon he hit
And now he’s on the danger list
I will marry (so what can you say?)
An American Native today.
I don’t care, you should know,
If he’s Sioux or a Crow,
As long as he’s Jewish. O.K.?
Bye Bye, Roses
Jerry’s pissed-off wife wanted to know
how the screw-up had managed to mow
not just grass, but her roses.
He gets woozy and dozes
after chugging a pint of Old Crow.
I Just Had to Do That Search!
Rich white-collar crooks wearing suits,
streetwalkers, and rowdy old coots,
bank robbers, dope dealers,
bootleggers, fake healers–
I found while pursuing my roots!
Snobbish~~Who, me?
I’m not snobbish, just misunderstood.
You don’t kowtow to me as you should.
If you’d seek my advice—
only mine will suffice–
you’d be MORE like me, just not as good.
Not a winner, but it’s been a while and I need to practice for retirement:
I’m too often a braggart, I know
And thus have consumed lots of crow
I should just shut my yap
And stem this flow of crap
But like Trump, I can’t seem to let go
He was quite a vain little crow.
And always his horn, he would blow.
Said he, misbehav’n,
“I’m really the raven,
Who inspired that poet named Poe!”
I’d like to someday have a tryst,
And do all the things I have missed.
Then, I’ll have no remorse,
If I follow this course.
I’ll insist on my can’t resist list.
I would like to offer advice.
Just go for a man who is nice.
Don’t fall for one snobbish,
Or one who is slobbish.
And marry him quick. Don’t think twice.
On my best “To Do List”, I insist,
There’s one item I cannot resist.
To spend the whole day,
And do things my way,
Without any husband assist.
Wisdom From Father To Son “The Proper Way To Write A Check”
“When writing a check, here’s the key:
Be meticulous as you can be.
Don’t forget “memo note”
Here’s the one I just wrote
“Weekly payment for fixed blackmail fee.”
All the people of color must go
To the back of the line, and must show
Blind respect to the whites,
Who deny them their rights,
It’s a system they nicknamed Jim Crow.
(Combo entry)
The birder makes lists as he goes,
Of all of the species he knows,
But sadly, today
They were all chased away
By a murder of ornery crows.
“My Never-To-Do List”
My “Things Not To Do” list include:
A job interview in the nude,
And never buy panties
At “Second Hand Scanties”
And in no way, eat Aunt Ethel’s food.
“We Never Got To Bermuda”
Joe and I didn’t have lots of dough,
So alas, we booked “Discount Air Woe”
Then we got off the plane,
Cause their rules were insane:
“No luggage or carrion crow.”
My friend Bambi’s a prosperous hoe.
This girl has such get-up-and-go.
She sees many a schlong,
And her day is SO LONG
Cause she’s up at the crack of cockcrow.
Attention All Limerick-Off Procrastinators: The current Limerick-Off ends this Saturday, Nov. 11, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
Don’t gamble that folks’ll play nice;
Check your impulse; don’t swear (self advice).
And if some arsehole dude
Bets on pers’nal and rude:
Pull the pin on the whole box & dice.
The snobbish food critic’s advice:
Oyster sliders, kimchi, and wild rice.
But she notes that your check
Will most likely reflect
The oysters’ exorbitant price.
My last, best offer for this month:
There’s a list of the folks who agree
With each utterance from President Xi,
And another list for
Those who don’t, and what’s more,
They’re arrested before they can flee.
Those ugly old crow’s feet that show
Round my eyes are the way that I know
That my youth is behind,
But I just wouldn’t mind
If they weren’t still attached to the crow.
Dropping names, man, that’s really a gas.
Phillip Glass, Günter Grass and Bill Blass.
Lady Day, Doris Day
And Anita O’Day.
But such lists are a pain in the ass.
For next Christmas I have some advice.
Just be snobbish and naughty, not nice.
When you’re on Santa’s lap,
Tell him he’s full of crap;
As you then pass some gas once or twice.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun Limerick-Off, which is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 515. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Catch.