Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FIND or FINED or DEFINED or REFINED or CONFINED at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: October 14, 2023)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using FIND or FINED or DEFINED or REFINED or CONFINED at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to FEET, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best FOOT-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
FAINT, GLARE, CORRUPT, COMB, STREAM.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on October 15, 2023, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, October 14, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my FIND or FINED or DEFINED or REFINED or CONFINED-Rhyme Limerick:
Please don’t whine about being entwined
In indictments. You’ve caused your own bind.
In your quest for more wins,
You seem blind to your sins,
But you’ll soon be in prison confined.
And here’s my FOOT/FEET-Themed Limerick:
A bad snowstorm — we can’t use our wheels.
And my boots are a wreck, so the deal’s
That I’ll just have to wait
For the storm to abate.
Until then, I’ll be cooling my heels.
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
While I stood on a rather long line,
I felt shaky and faint — too much wine!
Plus the sun-glare was strong,
And I DID smoke that bong.
(I was otherwise perfectly fine.)
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Crime Limerick, Fainting Humor, Footwear Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Lines Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Prison Limerick, Snow Humor, Sun Humor, Weather Humor, Writing Prompts
The Aged Canary: “Confinement Wrath”
My canary is up there in age,
Thus, he suffers from “Sing Songy Rage”
It’s because he’s confined
So with that fact in mind
I bought him a slight bigger cage.
When poor Donald is martyred they’ll faint,
Then recover and make him a saint.
Never mind he’s corrupt –
No! Please don’t interrupt –
They will whitewash before they repaint.
All life’s pleasures are best when refined –
Haute cuisine and fine wines come to mind:
But I think, for one’s good,
On occasion, one should,
Take some rough with the smooth, to unwind.
The chiropodist took in my feet,
His face blanched and he fell of his seat.
No, it wasn’t the smell
Caused this brief fainting spell,
But the fact he’d admitted defeat.
You shall now read the serious chat
I had with my son, (messy) Pat:
“Before you walk in
From wherever you’ve been,
Wipe your feet on the neighbor’s door mat”
We, the voting for Trump undersigned,
Wish to say even if he’s confined,
We’re still stupid enough
To call ev’ryone’s bluff.
He can rule from his cell – we don’t mind.
If I have to see his orange face one more time
I am sure I’ll self-implode spewing slime
Makes Jaba the Hut’s body
Look like a hottie
Dear lord, what will it take to see him confined?
A foot-fetishists’ forum on porn,
Asked members what gave them the horn.
“Fallen arches,” one said,
“And toes that are red.”
But most liked to fondle a corn.
I said to the wife down in Poona,
“I was wondering; do you fancy a nooner?”
She said, “How refined.”
And then she declined,
“It’s late dear. You should have asked sooner.”
My old cat has control of his mind,
And if he’s in the bathroom, confined,
He’ll summon his chi,
To shred the TP,
Always doing his best to unwind.
A Man In Distress
“My comb over’s coming apart!
Now I’m practically bald; where’s the part?
I feel so uncontrolled,
Cuz gettin’ real old
Sure ain’t for the weak faint of heart.”
Hubby no longer has wavy hair.
He’s thrown out his comb in despair.
Now I can’t read in bed
On account of his head,
Which sends forth a bald blinding glare.
Writing his “Hairdressing” tome,
Was the cause of his smooth, even dome.
With its bright, shiny glare,
Where there used to be hair,
He no longer has need of a comb.
Feet/Foot
Here’s a limerick now underway.
It’s not bad; it’s not great; just “okay”
Really! Who is so clever
In this complex endeavor?
Even MAD’leine! has one toe of clay!
:)
Correction of Rhyming Error: Limerick Eleven
“My comb over’s coming apart!
Guess I don’t have that hairstyling art!
I feel so uncontrolled,
Cuz gettin’ real old
Sure ain’t for the weak faint of heart.”
“The job is all yours”, said Ms. Rind
“You seem very smart and you’re kind.
I can tell you’re ambitious
And I am suspicious
When a good man is easy to find.”
Your intended must be very kind.
And lustful, so keep that in mind.
When you find this rare man,
Grab him fast as you can
Cuz a good man that’s hard is a “find”
If Forty-Five ever was fined
for ev’ry time he lost his mind,
his offenses could net
the national debt
and maybe the law wouldn’t mind.
Says Meghan, “I’m ultra- refined
so I do hope the staff will not mind
throwing out the dead tulips
and mixing mint juleps
while I lie on this sofa reclined.”
By you I’ve been often maligned.
To respond I am much too refined.
And I think you do know,
That I won’t sink so low
As to tell you to kiss my behind.
Someone did put her foot in her mouth.
Mint juleps they drank way down south.
Not in sunny CA,
Nor needless to say
In Routh* nor in old County Louth.**
*A village in England
** A county in (where else?) Ireland
The New and Improved Susie
Susie’s skirts now conceal her behind
(most of it), and she’s not so inclined
to get drunk and start fights
at the bars. She delights
in declaring, “Look, y’all. I’m refined!
From the Frying Pan to the Fire
On the job, Bob was feeling confined~~
forty years with the same daily grind.
He retired. Home, he went,
where his time is all spent
with his wife. Now he’s losing his mind.
Pray He Doesn’t Ask You to Dance
Everyone knows Todd has two left feet.
I’ve been told that no dance is complete
till he trips at least four
and ends up on the floor.
He’s the klutziest guy you will meet.
A Rude Awakening
In his arms by a picturesque stream,
in a swoon, I breathed, Life is a dream.
Then the sun’s blinding glare
woke me. No hunk was there~~
only me, wet with sweat in the steam.
“My Girlfriend Stacy”
My girlfriend is very refined.
In as much as she’s always inclined
To project poise and grace.
And at all times my “Stace”
Uses doilies to wipe her behind.
My feet are not neat or refined,
They have toes of some animal kind,
And the skin on each sole
Has the odd crack or hole
Like a cheese with a mouldy old rind.
“Stock Market”
My daddy succinctly defined
A broker as “someone inclined
To invest all your dough.
Son, my guy is a pro
Cuz the very last penny is mine.”
Saw a man who was walking in soot.
He really looked very kaput.
The man’s name was Greg.
He had one wooden leg.
And that leg was attached to his foot.
There’s a tale told in old Montreal,
Which goes, as I’m sure you recall,
That ALL feet are male –
Because, without fail,
Every foot that exists has a ball.
Frustrated Arlene: Too Much Glare On Computer Screen
“We should buy a glare filter, Arlene.
They’re cheap and real easy to clean.
But you still will feel faint.
And you must use restraint,
So stop banging your head on the screen.”
Today, I did not comb my hair,
Brush my teeth, wash my face, (didn’t care.)
I tried sneaking away
But my vibes were in play
And I sensed that “Real Mad Mommy Glare.”
Her new drummer was such a great find.
His rhythm in bed, blew her mind:
To his hot paradiddle,
She’d lie there and fiddle,
Singing lim’ricks, all perfectly timed.
The drummer looked so cool and neat
With his double kick-drums and gold seat.
He would snare all the chicks
With his twirling sticks tricks,
A sex-cymbal, and two handy feet.
Do limericks have feet? Yes they do.
Such a statement contains nothing new.
Such feet do not smell
Or run off, pell-mell,
They just make the whole verse ring true.
When one peddler could not make a score,
He limped home feeling tired and sore.
“No one,” he told his spouse,
“let me into their house.
But I did my foot in the door.”
oops. sorry for the typo. Gotta peddle this one twice.
When one peddler could not make a score,
He limped home feeling tired and sore.
“No one,” he told his spouse,
“let me into their house.
But I did get my foot in the door.”
The Easiest “Guess Who” Ever
When he stepped off a plane the wind blew.
He sure needed a comb to run through
His orangy hair
Which needed repair.
He was also corrupt. Any clue?
Terror At “Serene Living” Senior Citizen Home: Police Report: Thursday Night
10 PM September 21st.
“She fainted and fell off her chair,
Then muttered, “This Bingo ain’t fair.
I DID have B2
And I know this is true:
At my seat someone planted a glare.”
Dick insists that his prick’s one foot long—
But Charlisse, who has measured his shlong,
Says that when it is lax
It is three inches – max,
And its girth shrinks to naught near the prong.
A tycoon who extorts might get fined,
But a regular dumbfuck? Confined
To five decades in jail.
Should he fail to make bail,
To his fate he had best get resigned.
My goal is to get it just right,
So it’s neither too faint nor too bright.
When it streams in, the glare
Can be too much to bear–
But when too low it seems just like night.
Look It Up !!
If you have a fixed word in your mind,
But you muse, “Is there more than one kind?”
Like all us word nerds
You must find OTHER WORDS
So you’ll know how “your word” is defined.
Strolling down by the ancient mill stream,
He was sixty and she was sixteen,
And they thought it unfair,
That folks stopped and would glare.
True love they refused to esteem.
“The Way I See It”
As of late, I’ve been fervently deeming:
This cyber world sure has me steaming.
I’m too old, (call me quaint)
High-tech stuff makes me faint.
I prefer to read BOOKS! They’re non- streaming.
Correction Of Above Limerick: The Way I See It
As of late, I’ve been fervently deeming:
This cyber world sure has me steaming.
High-tech stuff makes me faint.
I’m too old, (call me quaint)
I prefer reading BOOKS! They’re not streaming.
As I’m walking my baby back home, 🎶
I’m hoping she won’t need a comb.
Though the chances are faint;
Still, I do use restraint.
I’ve no comb. I’ve no hair on my dome.
A snide critic who loved panning plays,
As he combed through his thoughts for a phrase,
Said of one ingenue,
“She can swoon right on cue.”
Alas, damning the girl with faint praise.
“Fifth Grade Math Test Musings”
“Here I sit in the midst of my woe.
With fractions, I’m sure not a pro.
What’s “one fifth of a FOOT?”
My poor mind is kaput!
Oh well, I’ll just answer, “a toe”
“In Nibelheim you might just find
The place where that Rheingold is mined.”
“But tell me, my dear,
How’s it turned into beer?”
“It’s with gassy, loud music combined.”
Pace, pace Herr Wagner. I still love you.
Hey Lisi, I thought you needed to know.
My big toe’s two point four inches long.
Of that, I am sure. Can’t be wrong.
That’s one fifth of a foot,
And to you I now put–
In fractions I’ve always been strong.
Those in the tour business find
That the British Aren’t very refined.
Napa tourists so uncouth,
They drink, then forsooth,
By their whining, they are defined.
There was a composer called Mitch
Whose diet was very bean rich.
He was glad his behind
Was so well refined
That his farts had a quite perfect pitch.
An unfortunate young man from Phuk,
Once ran into some awful bad luck.
As he down the street rushed;
He had his feet crushed –
Ironically – by a tow-truck.
A toff who broke down in our street
Said, “Look lively, I’ve someone to meet.
You must give me a tow.”
So I said, “Sorry Joe,
I’m afraid they’re attached to my feet.”
The New Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is sure not the same.
And in some ways, it’s really a shame.
The last hour’s defined
As the “kin left behind.”
Who drop in for the pie and the game.
A beachcomber happened to find
Bikini tops – two of a kind.
While scanning the shore,
He discovered all four;
Apparently not in a bind.
A man from Hawaii opined:
“By my job I’m severely confined.
My plantation, I’ve found,
Needs attention year round.
Growing coffee is really a grind!”
A Little Different, but same idea: “Thanksgiving Dinner”
Close fam’lies are sure not the same.
Ex-spouses and “steps” now proclaim:
“You have left us behind
Don’t be shocked if you find.
Us crashing for pie and the game.
I have very large feet, so I choose
To buy oversized, custom-made shoes.
When the creek topped its banks
All my neighbors gave thanks
‘Cause those kicks served as first-rate canoes.
Donald Trump is a man much maligned:
Justly so, he is not of sound mind.
He suggests, in a speech,
‘Covid cure? Inject bleach.’
Why on earth was he never confined?
If your trying the ‘orange’ rhyme kind
Of Lim’rick that stresses your mind
To the point where it fails,
There’s a mountain in Wales
That will rhyme. Thank me after you find.
I’ve traveled on real classy ships.
I look back on those wonderful trips.
Since I have two left feet,
I was always discreet.
And nobody noticed my flip flips.
I don’t know what rhymes with complaint a lim’rik has so much constraint
I’m not funny or clever it’s a hopeless endeavor
stream of conciseness spells make me faint.
Meter Error Correction
I have traveled on real classy ships.
And look back on those wonderful trips.
Tourists notice my feet:
Both are left, yet discrete.
And I never need flops, only flips.
A podiatrist thought it a thrill
To take up with a mistress until
His wife took him to court,
Cleaned him out just for sport.
For his sins he’s now footing the bill.
Plantar‘s fasciiitis‘s a curse.
This time round, it’s much worse.
It’s a life-style crimper
When I’m a slow limper.
The crooks are eyeballing my purse.
Thanks Terry. I’ll now have to visit Blorenge Mountain in Wales.
Rudy
One never knows what you can find,
If you are not totally blind.
I once found an orange
On a mountain called Blorenge
That some Welshman or merch* left behind.
*Welsh for girl
(Triple)
Donald snarls at the judge with a glare:
“You’re corrupter than Biden, I swear!
Are you outa ya mind?
That amount I been fined
Leaves me knocked off my feet everywhere!”
The doctors attempted to find
Something vaguely resembling a mind
In Trump’s head, but instead,
Found a short note that read
“OUT TO LUNCH” With an ‘X’ it was signed.
To make our best lim’ricks complete,
We must give folk an anapest treat.
If the work is distillable:
(Two short, one long syllable?)
It has feet that will likely compete!
Though the limerick verse is five-lined,
From word one it can wander and wind.
It’s compact, let’s rejoicester;
The world’s still our oyster,
And it’s only our mind that’s confined.
The mermaid in a STREAM COMBED her hair,
CORRUPTED I was then and there.
All at once she felt FAINT,
But I showed some restraint,
(Due to Herman the merman’s cold GLARE).
When, in hist’ry, the facts are enshrined
They’ll look back: Were his thoughts much maligned?
Was he humble and kind?
Or clean out of his mind?
It’s the latter, I’m sure they will find.
Nice one Rudy (Oct 3 12.59). I always thought Merch was overpriced T-shirts.
Mad please delete previous version. Thanks.
We’ve deemed, within our jurisdiction,
That you’ve failed due to gross dereliction.
So today you’ve been fined
(It’s the real estate kind)
We took Trump Tower, – here’s your eviction!
Every night he was combing the street
With the hope that someday he would meet
The love of his life.
(But don’t tell his wife!)
That corrupt guy was truly in heat.
Random (all 5)
The Donald was combing his hair
With a faint but malevolent glare.
He saw an eruption,
A stream of corruption –
His scalp had just laid his soul bare.
They say that I’m tiny of hand.
It’s a lie, but I’ll let that one stand.
They can jeer at my feet,
But for one they can’t beat,
They should just see the size of my gland!
“Yeah, my voters are deaf, dumb, and blind,
With an IQ that’s too small to find.
I’d be screwed, that’s for sure,
In 11/24
If my voters were in their right mind.”
There is a new rule in my senior apartment building: “No Eating In The Lobby”
(True)
Toll House cookies are one of a kind.
With brown sugar and eggs, they’re entwined.
The new law was ignored,
And Ms. Anna was floored
When for each choc’late chip she was fined.
One of the dumbest things Trump ever said (Randoms) I have paraphrased this
so I could turn it into a limerick
I was watching T.V. then I fainted.
Cuz I wasn’t informed or acquainted
Bout’ a Lysol injection
Ensuring protection.
(Share your thoughts. Would our blood stream be tainted?)
Donald gives the thumbs-up to Matt Gaetz
For removing the Speaker he hates.
“Now ya just gotta find
Enough dirt of some kind
Toi make Kevin and Biden cell-mates.”
A homely young fellow named Nate
Mansplains constantly, irking his mate:
“I was happy to find
That it’s true: love is blind.
Were it deaf as well, that would be great.”
To a cell he may soon be confined
Till his face is more furrowed and lined.
While he’s there and not here,
The future is clear:
He’ll be the last thing on our mind.
It’s an off-putting feat I suppose
to compete in a fast heat that goes
one hundred meters
when unlike your “competers”
you are running on feet with no toes
When you said that I look good in green
Since it matches my skin. That was mean.
But I think you will find
That I really don’t mind
‘Cause it makes for a great Halloween.
“Now then, Donald, let’s try this again.
Take your foot from your mouth – – now in plain
Simple terms, say, ‘I’m bats –
Always have been – and that’s
Why …’ No, Donald! Oh, dear! Please restrain.”
Despicable Donald should find
His ass in a slammer – the kind
With transparent floors;
On a tank filled with scores
Of sharks that could prey on his mind.
The pandemic that had us confined
Should not be forgotten with time.
The hell of four walls
And incessant child’s calls
Made for a new kind of illness of mind
“Old Dames Senior Facility For Women”
We ladies have written a theme:
“You will no longer faint and/or scream.
Like often before
When you peed on the floor.
Wear Depends to avoid that warm stream.”
I’m a faint imitation, it seems,
Of her idols, the men of her dreams.
I fall glaringly short
Of the men of the sort
That appear in the movies she streams.
There once was a girl they called Millie
Who lived in a town close to Philly.
Cheese steaks she would eat
Firmly held in her feet.
‘Cause she thought using hands would look silly.
She said “what do you have in mind “?
I froze ’cause no words could I find.
As I gazed at her hips
And her lovely plump lips,
She said “oh come on let’s unwind.
“Feeling Patriotic”
We hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming.
The ramparts were gallantly STREAMING
The rocket’s red GLARE
Proved our flag was still there.
I’m plotzing, and FAINTING ,while beaming.
I used the wrong tense in L5. This is the fix
We hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming.
The ramparts were gallantly STREAMING.
The rocket’s red GLARE
Proved our flag was still there.
We FAINTED, yet couldn’t help beaming.
I had a few drinks to unwind,
And leave all my troubles behind,
But Officer Stubbs
Saw me pee in the shrubs,
And now I’ve been locked up and fined.
The star of the basketball team
Has shoes that are size seventeen,
And fungus that grows
On the nails of his toes,
And under the skin in between.
A corrupt man with streamy orange hair
Smiles faintly, as if he could care,
He thinks he looks real hot,
Combs over his bald spot,
To hide the embarrassing glare.
Of justice I see a faint gleam,
His glaring corruption would seem
To have foiled the buffoon,
We can watch it all soon
On the Georgia court’s video stream.
Some Fairy-Tale Revisionism
Cinderella:
Cinderella (and this really galls)
Did crash parties. One also recalls,
With her feet clad with glass,
She displayed little class.
But she certainly did have some balls.
Some more Revisionism
Rapunzel:
Rapunzel did once comb her hair.
It was long beyond any compare.
Twas the talk of the town.
It streamed two stories down,
Enticing a prince to her lair.
And yet more Revisionism
Rumpelstiltskin:
Rumpelstiltskin, it’s said, was corrupt.
Children’s dreams he would sometimes disrupt,
And with pleasure they’d shout.
So, I have a faint doubt.
Was our judgement of him too abrupt?
When it’s hot and you walk on the tar
With bare feet, you won’t get very far.
It’s easy to handle.
Give each foot a sandal.
Or else you might give them a scar.
I spent endless hours in attempts to find
A Republican with a balanced mind.
“Do join us,” some said;
“You’ll see we’re well-read.”
But of course I swallowed hard and declined.
“The Long And Winding Road”
Colonoscopies sure make me scream.
The procedure is very extreme:
With a tube, “”doc” combs through
The gut, till you’re blue.
And checks out your meandering stream.
I’ve always despised Uncle Keith.
His will read, “I herby bequeath”
(I angrily glared
And was sure unprepared)
For “a comb with some real decayed teeth.”
His hair was combed neat and was parted.
His speech on decorum had started.
He straightened his back.
Spoke of manners they lack.
Then glared at the crowd as he farted.
Degrees do not grow on the trees
When your best grades are not even D’s.
Get your feet on the ground.
Turn your life all around.
For a quick hundred eighty degrees.
My son’s messy; we had quite a spat.
I can’t stand it; I said, “Listen Pat
Before you walk in
From wherever you’ve been,
Wipe you feet on the neighbor’s front mat.
Hey Lisi,
An alternative to a colonoscopy.
Sigmoidoscopies, you might just find,
Are great fun for your little behind.
As the doc does his task,
Turn around and just ask:
“Is it in yet? You see I don’t mind.”
Foot/Feet “Go For The Whole Kit And Caboodle”
Hey yourself, Rudy:
Sigmoidoscopies aren’t complete.
They’re for chickens who can’t take the heat
Of a tube which takes pics
Which is roughly bout’ six
Hundred thousand and twenty five feet.
In her room a lover, did she find,
With passion for her sweetheart so refined;
But for her new nasty swine,
Nice it was with her to dine;
In her piggery closely confined.
When he said that he made up his mind,
Did he mean it’s the make-believe kind?
Did he just reveal
That his mind isn’t real
Or just lost and he’s hoping to find?
On the highway, well lit and white lined,
Was a crash of unusual kind:
The driver, a cat
Who was blind as a bat,
Was found drunk as a skunk and was fined.
As the fight got increasingly heated
To ensure that the king was unseated,
He declared that “It rankles
When, clean at the ankles,
With the swipe of a sword I’m de-feeted.”
McCarthy was startled to find
That his caucus was out of its mind.
Disgraced and displaced,
He got thoroughly Maced.
Maybe next time he’ll be stiffer-spined.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun Limerick-Off, which is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 514. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Crow.