MAD KANE'S HUMOR BLOG

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

At the power plant, newcomer Dwight
Was not very careful or bright;
He shorted the grid,
And, you know, when he did,
It both was and was not a delight.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special TEACHER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My mentor at work taught me this:
Never tell the boss something’s amiss.
When he says something dumb,
Shut your mouth and stay mum;
And don’t ever forget what to kiss.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: JOINT, LOVELY, NAP, TAX, CONQUER.

Mused one caveman — a sensitive chap —
Before giving his woman a rap,
“I would take time to conquer
My instinct to bonk her,
But then I’d miss out on my nap.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Paul Haebig, J.OConnor, Terry Marter, Judy Freed, Rudy Landesman, Lisi Nortman, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, Mark Totterdell, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: LIGHT/DELIGHT-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TEACHER-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Tim James:

She pursued and eventually caught him.
It took a full day, but she taught him
All the ways to delight.
For the final that night,
His exam was complete, top to bottom.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (LIGHT/DELIGHT-RHYME DIVISION)

Paul Haebig:

The dragon beseeched the brave knight:
“Would you help me, kind sir, in my plight?
The fire’s gone out
At the end of my snout.
Could you possibly give me a light?”

J.OConnor, for his “acrostic” limerick:

Look at me and you’ll see that I’m light.
I’m as light as a feather and might
Get airborne with ease,
Head off in the breeze,
Then get stuck in a tree like a kite!

Terry Marter:

If you tend to post lims when you’re pissed,*
Your subtle wit’s ‘gems’ will be missed.
Your talent, so bright,
Will fail to delight,
Cause no one but you, gets the gist.

*Inebriated

Judy Freed:

She thought she was losing her sight.
Her vision got blurry at night.
Her fears were erased
When her bulbs were replaced.
She could see! It was purely de-light.

Rudy Landesman:

He intended to kiss her that night
By the moon’s bright and silvery light;
But there was an eclipse.
He could not find her lips.
He too, it would seem, wasn’t bright.

Mark Totterdell:

In my youth, life was fun as could be,
But the years have made changes in me.
Now my greatest delight
Would be sleeping all night
With no need to get up for a pee.

Lisi Nortman, who adds that many drivers take the Lincoln Tunnel to get from New Jersey to NYC:

If you’re taking the “Lincoln” tonight,
At the end, you should make a quick right.
Though those hookers don’t know you,
They’re happy to show you:
At the end of the tunnel, there’s light.

Paul Haebig:

I wanted to serve something light,
So I made some fish tacos last night.
But it didn’t work out;
Those ungrateful trout
Swam off without even a bite!

Terry Marter:

Some regard bawdy lim’ricks as trite
And prefer Lim’rick Lite as their rite.
While some others, imbued
With a bent to be crude,
Tend to use words like ‘shite’ with delight.

Mark Totterdell:

A limerick mentioning light
Is a thing I am sure I could write.
I’ve got plenty of time
To come up with a rhyme.
Now just when is that deadline? Oh shite!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TEACHER-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

“Just explain how to do it,” she begs,
“And I’ll swallow it all to the dregs.”
“Grasp with fingers and thumbs,
Then suck hard till it comes …”
I had taught my old Gran to suck eggs.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I’d like to give thanks to those teachers,
Who due to their no-nonsense features,
Helped build a foundation,
While real education,
Was going on under the bleachers.

Judy Freed:

All my life, how I’d hunger and yearn
For a love who would love in return.
Now I offer a course
In avoiding divorce.
’Cause we teach what we most need to learn.

J.OConnor:

Recommended by our local preacher,
She’s also a Sunday school teacher.
And she’ll accept checks
When you call her for sex.
But Sundays may be hard to reach her.

Bob Turvey:

Cried an old Orkney teacher named Stover,
“As a sadist I think I’m in clover.
Perhaps there are laws
On using the tawse,
But they don’t apply here so bend over.”

Lisi Nortman, who adds: “In 1969, I taught 5th grade for one year. One year was enough.”

If you want to teach 5th grade, beware!
You’ll repeatedly say this, I swear:
“Your hands don’t belong
In your pants; it’s just wrong.
And girls, please stop twirling your hair.”

Tony Holmes:

The instructor said, “Indicate right.”
I turned left. (You’ve discerned I’m not bright.)
For my second mistake,
I drove into the lake – –
They’re just keeping him in overnight.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: JOINT, LOVELY, NAP, TAX, CONQUER.)

Tim James:

A lovely girl carp known as Joy
Swiftly conquered the heart of each boy
In the fish pond. She’d flirt,
And then treat them like dirt.
It turned out she was just being koi.

Fred Bortz:

The lovely maid knew what he meant.
His eyes showed his evil intent.
He wouldn’t just conquer.
He’d ravish and bonk her
Until his desire was spent.

J.OConnor:

At night when the lights are down low
And his lovely wife’s watching a show,
He will say in her ear
“Are you napping my dear?”
Then she’ll always snore twice for a “NO.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When I doze with a wrap on my lap,
My young pup chews the thing into pap.
With his nose out of joint,
Soggy fluff makes his point:
“I have had quite enough of this nap!”

Dave Johnson:

When the bad news continues to tax,
We need to know how to relax.
Try napping or play;
Although some spend their day
Immersed in alternative facts.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I would write of the joints I have been to —
Taken women and children and men to —
But it’s best not to tax
My old brain for the facts
That I shouldn’t be putting my pen to.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award. To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!