It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BOB TURVEY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
When I was a very young man
I loved tractors as much as folk can.
An air-moving machine
Then came onto the scene –
And now I’m an extractor fan.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Wheels-Themed Limerick Award for his funny Limerick Travel Guide:
The folks are free-wheeling in Wheeling;
In Steele there’s a fair bit of stealing.
There’s NO fun at all
To be found in Blue Ball,
But in Fucking there’s lots of good feeling.
(Tim adds: “These are all real places. Wheeling is in West Virginia, Steele is in Missouri, Blue Ball is in Pennsylvania, and Fucking is in Austria (though they changed the name a couple of years ago because their street signs kept getting stolen.”)
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: MEAL, FAN, WATCH, BUSINESS, SLEEP.
Said a rock star whose cool name was Sloopy,
“My bedroom’s so hot, I feel loopy.”
Called his new PA man:
“I can’t sleep; need a fan.”
He was promptly supplied with a groupie.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Keone Morienga, Terry Marter, Mark Totterdell, Gail White, Tony Holmes, Jeremy Andrew, Lisi Nortman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sharon Neeman, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SCENE or SEEN or OBSCENE–RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
I was falling asleep on the can,
When into my mind this thought ran:
Are Mad’s lim’ricks obscene?
“FUCK!” See what I mean?
That’s probably why I’m a fan.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SCENE or SEEN or OBSCENE–RHYME DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
The actors are doing a scene
Where one of them gets in between
Two others in bed;
Then there’s laughter instead.
(How threesomes make PG-13.)
Tim James:
I once stiffed a psychic named Jeanne.
I feel guilty, so now I’ll come clean.
She had billed me a grand
But I told her, “Pound sand!” —
Which was something she should have foreseen.
Keone Morienga, for his “127 Hours.”
When a boulder dislodged and then landed,
Aron Ralston thus found himself stranded.
Not the stickiest scene
In which he’s ever been,
He got out of that jam single-handed!
(An avid climber and adventurer, Aron Ralston cut off his own arm in 2003 to escape from 127 hours stuck in Utah’s Bluejohn Canyon.)
Terry Marter:
The forensic department is keen
To solve murders with info they glean.
They’ve just found a box
With six locks, under rocks.
Its contents? – Remains to be seen.
Brian Allgar:
For a limerick, smutty’s okay,
But scatology’s best kept away.
No point if they’re clean,
So they should be obscene
But not turd, is what I always say.
Mark Totterdell:
So a couple have sex on the screen,
It’s explicit, in close-up, obscene.
Well I guess you should know
It’s a BBC show
And a couple of rabbits I mean.
Tim James:
A sailor I’ve frequently seen
Has a noteworthy posture and mien.
One leg’s long, one leg’s short;
So she lists some to port.
Apropos, since her name is Eileen.
Dave Johnson:
When someone exclaims “that’s obscene!”
I’ll try to discern what they mean.
Expressing dismay
At some naughty display?
Okay, let me look at your screen…
HONORABLE MENTIONS (WHEELS–THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Gail White:
Said Grok, “I’ve invented the wheel.”
Said his fellow stone-agers, “Big deal:
Can’t eat it or throw it
Or play it or blow it…
Though at least it’s not easy to steal.”
Tony Holmes:
“Mistress Fortune, when spinning her wheel,
Seems to favor the blackguards with spiel:
Not the kind and the meek,
Who deserve a good week,
But the blighters who lie, cheat and steal.”
Jeremy Andrew:
When I’m driving, the passengers feel
Quite nervous as four tires squeal.
But they really turn white,
When I close my eyes tight
And I shout, “Jesus, please take the wheel!”
Lisi Nortman:
That scooter is great at the mart.
Sit down, press the button, then start.
Walking used to be fun,
But now I am done,
Cuz I can’t even wheel the damn cart.
Dave Johnson:
He purchased a self-driving car
For traveling both near and far.
As part of his deal,
They pre-programmed the wheel
To steer him back home from the bar.
One night on the way, he was stopped.
The officer noticed he’d propped
His feet on the dash;
Then an offer of cash
Was made by the car – Charges dropped.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: MEAL, FAN, WATCH, BUSINESS, SLEEP)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A male cheetah with amorous zeal,
Watched the females, then made his appeal.
One gal saw a gazelle,
And replied, “Very well.
But first you must spring for a meal.”
Sharon Neeman:
My nutritionist, Dr. Jane Smith,
Says: “The need for big meals is a myth.
Watch your portions, I say,
And sleep eight hours a day —
But I surely won’t tell you who with.”
Jean McEwen:
My Apple Watch tells me I sleep
Like a log, never hearing a peep.
But I think it is lying
’Cause lying there, trying
To sleep, I just keep counting sheep.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A somnambulist said to a shrink,
“I’m a sleepwalker. What do you think?”
Said the doc, “I’m a fan
Of walking, so can
We meet up Friday night for a drink?”
Dave Johnson:
An airliner dumping its can
Flew over the house where a man
Was watching a game.
Through his ceiling it came;
And that’s when the shit hit the fan.
(True story – A few years ago, a Seahawks fan was watching a game
when a frozen block of lavatory waste discharged by an airliner
came crashing through his ceiling. Luckily, no one was hurt.)
Tim James:
A businessman thought he’d get far
As he watched a hot gal in a bar.
His attempt was a loss;
She was wed to his boss.
Now he sleeps and takes meals in his car.
Tony Holmes:
“I was roused from a very deep sleep,
Much annoyed at an incessant bleep
Which, invading my dreams,
Had undone all my schemes
To watch football in bed with Ms. Streep.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When a King feared his food had been basted,
With a poison, he’d have it pre-tasted.
If the taster fell dead,
The King watched him and said,
“What a pity — another meal wasted.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
