Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: RUDE, RUED or ROOD at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: February 4, 2023)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using RUDE, RUED or ROOD at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to DESTRUCTION, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best DESTRUCTION-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest: STRIDE, HANDY, PUNISH, FLY, BAIL.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on February 5, 2023, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, February 4, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my RUDE, RUED or ROOD-Rhyme Limerick:
I am stunned by the way you behave.
It appears you were raised in a cave.
You’ve a terrible tude
And you’re crude, lewd, and rude.
So there’s only one word for you: KNAVE!
And here’s my DESTRUCTION-Themed Limerick:
Here’s a factoid not everyone knows:
Perfectionist Brahms alas chose
To destroy some great stuff
He thought NOT up to snuff.
How I wish that he di’n’t decompose!
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
I tried to play “stride,” but I failed.
My small hands lacked the reach, so I bailed.
But I still remain sold
On stride pianists of old,
Whose fingers would fly, as they wailed.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brahms Humor, Brahms Limerick, Competition Limerick, Composer Humor, Composer Limerick, Composers, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Music, Music Humor & Verse, Music Limerick, Pianist Humor, Pianist Limerick, Piano Humor, Piano Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Rudeness Humor, Rudeness Limerick, Stride Pianist, Stride Piano, Writing Prompts
“Ego Destruction”
Didn’t know I got under his skin.
It seems I committed a sin.
I destroyed the man’s pride.
Was it out or inside?
Guess I shouldn’t have asked, “Is it in?”
From Russia, that much troubled nation,
There’s news that has caused a sensation.
When folks there allude
To Putin as rude;
They’re subject to defenestration.
As much as I rued to be rude,
For roods I was not in the mood.
That Vatican tour
Was hard to endure.
I was bored, and I think that I booed.
Hey Lisi,
Your limerick brings back a memory.
Years ago I went for a sigmoidoscopy. The doctor gave me a big speech to prepare me for that “awful” procedure. He then inserted the scope into my rectum. I turned around and asked: “Is it in yet?”
(Rudy: Oy)
“My High BMI”
Next week, I shall have liposuction.
Cuz, Wow! I sure need a reduction.
To avoid getting chills,
I’ll be given some pills
Which supplement vast mass destruction.
God, forgive me for being so crude.
Last night I was blissfully screwed.
Please don’t tell Father Nast.
He would sure be aghast,
Cuz we screwed smack bang under the rood.
I’m no psychic, although I am shrewd.
Entrants don’t want to be misconstrued.
In my toy crystal ball
I envision us all
Frantically looking up rued and/or rood.
Correction Limerick #5
“My High BMI” (Body Mass Index)
Next week, I shall have liposuction.
Cuz, Wow! I sure need a reduction.
To avoid getting chills,
I’ll be given some pills
To supplement high mass destruction.
Now this one is going to be really rude
Because it’s about a troublesome dude
Who tore up the place
And gashed a guy’s face
This during a feud over a girlie he’d wooed
The Eve of Destruction is Averted
The Christ dangled beneath his rearview
In the Chevy and drew the babes, too.
But he rued the rude rood
As a mystical dude:
Last night’s pickup declined a good screw…
Claimed destruction would strike at her head
As they frolicked, backseat for a bed:
She couldn’t put out
While He watched! Grind, then pout.
So his rood’s in the glovebox instead.
At the fly ball he shouted and booed
At the punishing match that he’d viewed
But got out of hand
Earned a just bail demand
Could this be an action he rued?
“God help you when Johnny gets crude,”
Warned his sister. I thought: Is he rude?
Is that what she’s saying —
Or is she just praying,
“God help you an’ Johnny get screwed”?
One cat, with just four little paws
And some teeth in her two tiny jaws,
Pushed three plates off the table,
Ate all she was able,
And puked on the rest. Why? Because.
Destructive Criticism, aka The Curse of Perfectionism
In my brain, there’s a five-headed demon
Whose aspersions are awful demeanin’
The fastidious prick’s
Got me fixing lim’ricks
So that just for a sec he stops screamin’
I was thinking about the word FOOD;
Why isn’t it spelled just like STEWED?
Wouldn’t it be GOOD
If only you COULD
Just spell it like SUED, FEUD or RUDE?
A Fresh Look at “Nude Descending a Staircase”
When Duchamp told his model, “No drape,”
He/she ran down the stairs to escape.
“Go ahead, call me rude,”
Said Marcel to the nude,
“There’s no need to get bent out of shape.”
HANDY, FLY, BAIL
When I met ‘er, ’twas musing my fail
In a coeducational jail
She tossed me a handy,
Which I found quite dandy
And flew the coop once I made bail
Will you please not mistake me for *rood
For that Jesus guy seemed just some dude
Though a savior he failed to be
Didn’t think “nailed to me”
Would be his fate (*misconstrued?)
Over grievances I can’t deny,
(and I’m feeling too peevish to try),
I won’t bail, I can’t hide,
I don’t take them in stride —
If one’s handy, I punish a fly.
The masochist, “I Love Pain” Flo
Begged, “Please punish me, dear darling Joe.”
In a very swift stride
“Sadist Joe” walked outside.
(Before closing the door, he said, “No”)
A slight change in limerick #6
God forgive me for being so crude.
Last night in the church I got screwed.
Please don’t tell Father Nast.
He would be so aghast.
Cuz we screwed smack bang under the rood.
“Donald’s never done nothing he’s rued!”
Claimed Trump’s lawyers from Crookshank and Crood.
“That defense isn’t smart,”
Said the Judge. “For a start,
Double negatives here are pursued.”
The Steve of Destruction
Young Steve with a whopper was cursed,
And once, when ’twas fully immersed,
In the Stygian gloom
Heard a terrible boom –
Which meant that his partner had burst.
“Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban” (adapted in an effort to compose a random word limerick)
Pistol Pete, Pat The Cat, and “The Snoop”
Were felons who formed a sly group.
They couldn’t make bail
Till they got useful mail
From The Wizard, and then flew the coop.
In my lifetime, I’ve never been shrewd.
And woefully, I must conclude:
Till the day that I die
I’ll keep wondering why
I had so many husbands I’ve rued.
One day, just to shake off my gloom,
I got naked and danced ’round the room.
It SO lifted my mood,
Till the time (that’s still rued)
When PC schedule fired-up live Zoom
“That carpenter guy was the boss?”,
asked the sculptor “to me it’s all dross”.
Said the priest: “Don’t be crude,
get to work my rood.
YOU, dude, – are just makin’ me cross.”
While in England, and looking for food,
I sought help from a whimsical dude.
He said, “Eighty roods down,
Take a left into town.”
Thanks a lot. What the hell is a rood?
There once was a student quite rude
who made actions in class rather rude
and hoped claiming autism
would help widen the schism
tween her and the payback she rued.
A Post-holiday Post
“The Gift of the Magi,” seemed nice;
It employed an ironic device,
To show neither soul rued,
Useless presents pursued,
In the spirit of self-sacrifice.
Though divulging an ending is rude,
No doubt ev’ryone knows what ensued:
With no hair on her head,
Della took Jim to bed.
He got lucky, and she got a snood.
My Dog Rover: randoms
Rover tore up the wall my, oh, my!
A punishment clearly was nigh.
For this grievous offence
He barked in defense,
“I was trying to kill a damn fly.”
(Rude and Destruction)
To say Congress is lame might be rude,
But just study their split attitude.
It limits production,
It leads to destruction.
It’s a Trumped-up vain gang, and we’re screwed!
It’s so handy to text, why write mail?
We guys do it all day, without fail.
If a REAL call comes in,
We know it’s ’bout sin.
Cuz one of us dork’s needin’ bail.
Prince Harry – when in party mood,
Conventional wisdom eschewed.
Snapped by paparazzi
When dressed as a Nazi –
An action he later quite rued.
As she came in, said Lady Miranda,
“His Lordship’s just had a back-hander.
Now, I am not a prude
But I do think it rude
To urinate off the veranda.”
For a Punisher’s flogs to be brutal,
He keeps handy his kit and caboodle.
He may pull out a prod
As he dangles his rod,
Or, for novelty, use his wet noodle.
“I Only Buy “Irregulars”
I’m a very cheap, miserly guy.
In “Menswear”, brown slacks caught my eye.
They were missing a zipper,
Which made me feel chipper.
Now THAT is a real handy fly.
If your handy work (lim’) is a Fail
You’ll be flown off to Limerick jail.
But if clever, and fun-ish,
And pref’rably pun-ish,
You’ll ‘walk’, while the losers seek bail.
It’s the end of the world. We’re all dead.
Endless pain and starvation I dread.
I can hear through the gloom
The sad howling of doom…
‘Cause our kitty cats haven’t been fed.
I asked a Republican pundit:
“Our Democracy, sir, have you shunned it?”
“We’ve destroyed it,” he said,
“But it isn’t quite dead,
So we’re passing a bill to defund it.”
Look! It’s Jesus, hung up on a rood!
Who’d have thunk: The guy’s fully tattooed!
He’s got snakes on his shlong–
Which, in turn, is quite long.
I’ve got newfound respect for this dude!
Matt Goetz has set out to destroy
Civil order; he’ll use any ploy
To help burn down the House.
He’s a certified louse,
With disdain for the mass hoi polloi.
Denied bail, Stu was fit to be tied–
Refusing to take it in stride
As the price to be paid
When one murders the maid
And then boils and ingests her raw hide.
The customer was so rude
It made her sound like a dude
Security was called
The she took a hard fall
And realized she was screwed
California’s destruction was bad
It was the worst they’d ever had
Out of character for them
They were twisted just like a limb
Angels meet Karma makes it sad
“I would send a nice letter — oh, fie!”
Charlotte scrawled, “But no paper have I.
It was handy last year,
But I’ve lost it, I fear.
So I’m writing to you on the fly.”
Jack’s been punished, he’s waiting in jail
For his brother who promised him bail.
Here he is with the hay!
It’s been a bad day.
His brother is one stupid male.
same idea, slightly different
John’s been punished, he’s waiting in jail
For “Jacky” who promised him bail.
Seems Jack’s not in town
Cause he broke his big crown.
Though he sent John a real sturdy pail.
The King of Kings seemed to be gripping.
His blood was abundantly dripping.
As he stood at the rood,
He felt somewhat unglued.
And asked for “more nails, please, I’m slipping.”
On Halloween eve little Andy
Looked real fly and beguilingly randy
In his satyr-like wear —
More than pedos can bear.
And that’s why they all have candy handy.
Charles Dickens, he died. It was rude
Not to first finish his Edwin Drood.
I should never’ve begun it.
Can you tell me who done it?
For such myst’ries I’m not in the mood.
Destructive Sobriety Impropriety
Know that if you at first don’t succeed
At resisting intoxicants, we’d
Recommend that you try
Try a gin as you fly
Off the wagon sobriety-freed
A stripper whose outlook was screwed
With her crowds got increasingly rude.
So she took some time off
(Not a thread did she doff)
Then returned to work, fresh and re-nude.
Hi, Rudy. “Edwin Drood” — I have the answer you seek!
“In all honesty, whodunits bore me.”
I quote Dickens. (He favored a “Poor Me”).
He said, “Dredging up Drood,
Is an act I have rued.
Let my critics all murder him for me.”
“A Word To The Wise”
Listen closely, you gullible dude.
Your illness is called “Misconstrued”
She’ll say, “You’re to blame”
Cause she’s one clever dame.
Her bullshit is nothing to rued.
(I had nothing to do with this limerick: The Devil made me do it)
Pontius Pilate said, “Jesus – you’re screwed,
You’re guilty, be nailed to yon rood”.
Under his jurisdiction
Came the famed crucifixion,
Then no more’s ever heard from that dude.
The media hypers are glued
To Prince Harry’s pulp fiction and feud.
It’s a sorry affair
That he feels like a Spare
But to blame his old dad is just rude!
I was hungry, and wildly pursued
Some poor bag lady, then stole her food.
She screamed cuss words at me,
And I can’t believe she
Had the chutzpah to call me “so rude”
A Destruction Anagramerick
DESTRUCT IONs you swine, if you must –
Scrap my car when you first NOTICED RUST!
Please, this EDICT UNSORT
Lest it INDUCES TORT
And leaves nothing but CITROEN DUST.
Thank you Sjaan. I assume you also saw the musical version.
Broadway audiences can be so rude.
And if I’d written Drood, I’d have sued.
For the record it’s noted —
It was they who had voted
On who did the deed. Then they booed.
Rudy–I didn’t see the “Drood” musical, but I did read the lyrics to its
“Out On A Limerick.” It was fun finding it there. Btw, I always enjoy
your literary bent. (No pun intended).
When you read “Edwin Drood,” you must tend to it,
For the arc of its plot has a bend to it.
A quick skim on the fly,
Can be punishing. Why?
Once you start it, you’ll find there’s no end to it.
Hi Sjaan,
So glad that you appreciate my literary references. I wish that Mad did. She prefers word play and (horror of horrors!) puns.
Your “bent” pun was noted, and I have to admit that this one does hit the mark. 😪
*****
From Mad Kane:
Rudy, I actually DO appreciate your literary references. They’re often very clever. But my judging is based on the entirety of a limerick, and NOT on just any one factor.
A rood carver hired a Deutsch dude
To pose for his art, in the nude.
A very large splinter
Went right up his “hinter”
(I was gonna write “Arse” but that’s rude).
Some food for thought?
A starving philosopher rued
That day when he busked in the nude.
Naked truth in the street
Didn’t help make ends meet,
But it DID give him more thought for food.
There’s success with the great Ozone hole.
It’s a sign that we’ll save Gaia’s soul.
The future’s sublime;
We’ve bought extra time,
So we’ll sell just a wee bit more coal.
So the news was a doubleheader:
Trump and Biden spread docs like cheddar.
They were seen as buffoons
For depending on goons
When they needed a secret shredder!
This ACTUALLY happened in New Jersey in the 1990’s.
The police took pictures, and it made the papers.
“The Ultimate Embarrassing Moment”
A gal in a “DIY” mood
Regrettably thought she was shrewd.
Tried to retile her floor.
With a brand new decor
(A day that she always will rued.)
Here’s the story of what had ensued,
And the reason why “Ms. Fixit” rued.
While doing this job.
Oh Boy! Did she sob.
To that unfinished floor, she got glued.
(Face Down!)
As a carpenter, I could tell tales
‘Bout all of my sweat and travails.
Standing here on this rood,
I’m beginning to brood
Cause you’re using the wrong kinds of nails.
Dear Mad’leine, I don’t want to spar.
But these rhymes are not getting me far.
We’ve already used rood,
Next round can you include
A rhyme test for six-pointed star?
Hey Lisi,
Mogen David’s the star that you seek,
Six-pointed in shape — so unique.
And just like a rood,
It’s a symbol that you’d
Exhibit to be in your clique.
A dyslexic woodcarver of yore,
Was far better than any before,
Till a contractor dude
Commissioned a rood.
What he got, was a really nice door.
The crew of a starship took stock
Of the Earth. They regarded in shock
War, destruction, and hate.
Their report home will state:
“No intelligent life on this rock.”
There is something I always foresee,
And most travelers won’t disagree.
Ev’ry time that I fly
I feel punished, here’s why:
Someone smelly is sitting with me.
Prisons now have a handy new scale,
To help punished poets who fail.
If aforementioned crim’s
learn to rhyme, and write lim’s,
They’re upgraded to Limerick jail.
Roo’s mother was not quite a prude,
But she found it incredibly crude
That all the friends prance
Around Pooh in no pants;
It’s the nudity that Kanga rued.
A too ‘handy’ pervert was tried,
Now he’s punished for something he tried;
He couldn’t make bail
So he’s rotting in jail;
Time won’t fly; he won’t take it in stride.
Sorry – earlier entry was a draft, not final copy.
A too ‘handy’ pervert was tried;
Now he’s punished and locked up inside;
He couldn’t make bail
So he’s rotting in jail;
Time won’t fly; he won’t take it in stride.
I’m the first to admit I seem rude
And aloof and detached and subdued
I’m a shy introvert
So my chat can seem curt
And I’m happier in solitude
The night we shot up was a ball.
Till “the boys in blue” had the damn gall
To throw us in jail
We couldn’t make bail.
Who ratted? A fly on the wall.
Bed Time Story Time! “The Unhappy Pig”
“My head’s rotting, the sad piggy cries!
“Doctor, help me! I’ve tears in my eyes!”
With a very swift stride,
Doc checks “The Oink Guide”
Diagnosis: “The Lord Of The Flies”
With a sweet tooth for prudes, Rod’s quite handy
So with Candace in stride, he felt randy
Just before she said, “Stop!”
Came a large cherry pop
It was easy to score with hard Candy
The poet strode home in a stew.
He flew into a rage, (wouldn’t you?)
The great Roman, Ovid,
Knew nothing of covid,
When he caught what he thought was the flu.
One Town Crier called out, apropos,
Handy info he thought folks should know:
“There’s a fly on your hat!”
Most said, “Don’t tell us THAT.”
He said, “Okay, it’s on your chapeau.”
Verdict read, and no bail, bad to worse…
Lim’rick license expired, such a curse
For a lack of admitting
Got a punishment fitting
A whole year of just prose, and no verse!
She walked in a hammering stride!
And whimpered, “You’ve wounded my pride.
“I know that you’re sneaking
We’ll no longer be speaking!”
(A punishment sweet to abide)
Slay the fire-breather and be nobly wed!
But Sir Broca mistook what the town decree said
While others the creature pursued
And to shouts of “How very rude!”
He spanked his own dragon instead.
I decided to punish the fly.
“You’ve annnoyed me too long, you must die!”
I attempted to swat it,
And thought I had got it –
Instead, it flew into my eye.
At first stride, Trixie did catch my eye
But the bulge did divulge, on the fly…
First date ruse, all pretend
Got it right in the end…
Had to bail, tricky Trixie’s a guy!
YOUR MISSION, at the GYM, was made clear
Healthy food, get your rest, and no beer!
Second helpings, out late…
Second thoughts, sealed his fate…
SELF-DESTRUCT in 10 ‘SECONDS’, I fear…
Some word meanings can be misconst-rued
Take the dif’rence between ‘cross’ and ‘rude’
So as not to confuse
Make the words that you choose
Crystal clear, like ‘obnoxious’ and ‘rood’
A handyman took it in stride
When a client implied she’d provide
A diversion quite lewd.
“To decline would be rude.
She paid overtime also,” he sighed.
Nanu nanu, random Earthlings
She won’t bail on her boyfriend from Ork,
Though he eats vichyssoise with a fork.
“That spoon’s leaky!” she’ll cry.
He’ll yell, “Soup in my fly!”
Love is grand when you’ve found the right dork.
To Santa, she wrote “I ask you:
‘When sleeping, you SEE us. That true?
If you do, that is rude
‘Cuz I sleep in the nude!
Ain’t that worth a present or two?’”
“Island Hopping” Hawaii (refueling)
Those real tiny planes sure ain’t great.
I fly them, but what is my fate?
Is punishment near?
Will we all disappear
Cuz some fat lady lied ’bout her weight?
I think it’s incredibly rude;
That he saunters here nude, the dumb dude;
And though he’s my ex,
I know he wants sex,
But not again will I be screwed!
Correction Of Above Limerick. “Island Hopping” (How much fuel is needed?)
Those real tiny planes aren’t great.
I fly in them, then I debate:
Is punishment near?
Will we all disappear
Cuz some fat lady lied ’bout her weight?
“A Promise: I Will Never Do This Again”
A lim’rik has set preconditions.
Don’t punish me, Mad. I’ve ambitions!
This was done on the fly.
But no longer will I
Stress syllables ON prepositions.
Dear Autocorrect, kiss my butt.
My lim’riks are always “uncut.”
I’m consistently crude,
And purposely rude.
Stop “fixing” things, you piece of shut.
“Too Poor To Fly First-Class”
Gee, each time my poor hubby flies
He feels punished, sits down, and just sighs.
Last week back in coach
He spotted a roach.
On his cold fish that had bloodshot eyes.
Searching “flyleaf” in Webster’s confirms,
it’s more handy to use my own terms:
A blank page on each end
from where flies must defend
books from being devoured by worms.
“He opened his fly,” said Louise,
“And showed me his thing, just to tease —
But I took it in stride,
Slipped my ‘handy’ inside,
And punished it with a hard squeeze!”
RUDE, RUED, ROOD
I encountered a Brit that was rude
RUDE, RUED, ROOD
I encountered a Brit that was rude
He said things I hope he has rued
I told him the King
Would not let him sing
If ever he’s in HolyRood
DESTRUCTION
So the builders of urban skyscrapers
Have to issue so many plan papers
At first there’s destruction
Then follows construction
It’s a process that won’t allow capers!
STRIDE, HANDY, PUNISH, FLY, BAIL
The government’s punishments fail
If I fly when I’m let ot on bail
So I go far and wide
And it’s handy to stride,
But I have to keep watching my tail.
To keep this year’s diet on track,
I’ve developed a three-step attack —
not a punishing stride,
but a nice, easy slide —
One step forward, another two back.
I was thrillingly punished by Clyde.
But Clyde couldn’t get me untied.
Till he yanked and he pulled.
I felt so fulfilled.
I love my new tortuous stride.
The New Employee: “Training”
“Here’s your map, which we call “Bathroom Guide”
“It’s handy to keep at your side.
The loo’s 2 miles away.
So to get there each day,
Move fast with a “gotta go” stride.
While the saboteur did sabotage,
His chauffeur was engaged in chauffage.
And where do you think
They went for a drink
Before their destructive barrage?
The man strode to the stage glad to sing.
Through his fly hung his dangling big thing.
The crowd heard his voice
But hadn’t much choice
Than to focus on his dingaling!
My ‘Pop’ worked his life in construction.
In building, he gave me instruction.
But, never did I get enough
Of tearing apart my good stuff.
So, now I’m employed in destruction!
Rewrite of my “Destruction” limerick
My “Pop” worked his life in “construction “.
In building, he gave me instruction.
But, I ne’er got enough
Of just blowing up stuff
So, now I get paid for destruction!
Mad’s Blog
When I do this I always say, “Shit!
“Read it over; it might be unfit”
And right now I am screwed
I just did what I’ve rued
I clicked that real dreadful “Submi
A Seminar For New Parents: “The Lecture”
Remind children, “It’s okay to lose.”
Do not punish them; never abuse.
You should let them explore.
They must come to my store
To try on high-priced Stride Rite shoes.
Better: Seminar For New Parents
Remind children, “It’s okay to lose”
Do not punish them; never abuse.
You should let them explore.
Then come to my store.
And buy them high-priced Stride Rite shoes.
There once was a lamplighter dude,
Whose career choice was one that he rued.
His one true desire?
To be the town crier;
So he stood in the street and boo-hooed.
Only The Best, Dahling” Our Trip To Paris
Hubby, Basil and I do things right.
He looked into the most lavish flight.
With a confident stride,
Basil rushed home and cried,
“I Found It !! It’s Called “Fly By Night!”
Eating chitlins with kimchi, I’ve rued.
For bulgogi I’m not in the mood.
Bibimbap with fried chicken —
That ain’t finger lickin’.
I’m not a big fan of Seoul food.
Seems like Lisi has more than one hubby
In her lovely retirement cubby.
And those hubbies get rude
When she’s not in the mood.
They forget that she’s also a bubbie.
Whilst admittedly crass, often rude,
My persona has been misconst-rued!
It’s true, I’m depraved,
But, nay! Not a KNAVE!
You see, I’m alas(s), not a dude.
P.S.
I’m referring, of course, to Liz Taylor.
Rudy
The fisherman’s wife was delicious,
The answer to all of his wishes!
He took it in stride,
When finding his bride,
Skilled with fly and rod, but not fishes.
Rudy: LOL
If my hubbies were not at all rude,
I still wouldn’t be in the mood.
Each one is a Zadie
Who’s hot for this lady.
But they’re all kinda slack in the nude.
Attempting to lighten the mood,
He started to prance around nude.
She gave him a stare
That turned into a glare;
The dude’s being lewd was so rued.
His brainchild was nervy and brash;
Investing in digital cash.
While some made a buck,
Many others were stuck;
Invited to witness the crash.
“I know art, lit, and science,” said I;
“I’m a suave, cultured Renaissance guy.”
Said my date, “Epic fail!
One last thing, then I’ll bail:
Leonardo, please zip up your fly.”
At the altar of Mammon he kneeled
And prayed for some bonds with high yield.
In this God he did trust,
But the market went bust;
And no longer is he so well-heeled
(Line 5 change in my posting above)
His brainchild was nervy and brash;
Investing in digital cash.
While some made a buck,
Many others were stuck;
Invited to join in the crash.
When the Haiku police came, I rued
The day that i wrote one ’bout food:
The subject was Thyme
But I’d slipped-in a rhyme;
I must now eat my words or be sued.
An improvement of my Jan. 24th (10:13 pm) limerick. (Not that it needed improvement)
Eating kimchi with chitlins, I’ve rued.
For bulgogi I’m not in the mood.
Bibimbap with fried chicken —
That ain’t finger lickin’.
I have always eschewed that Seoul food
Most sadly, they’re too soon forgotten —
Racial murders, of hatred begotten.
They destroy every day,
As we all look away.
In our state, surely, there’s something rotten.
“Just because I find certain things rude,
Doesn’t mean that, per se, I’m a prude.
Body parts taken out,
To be flaunted about,
Shows a lack of good taste, and is crude.”
“Dearest Host, So ashamed. I was rude.
Please forgive. My defence? I was stewed.
Do not ask – ‘sfor the best –
Why I squeezed your wife’s breast,
And ran off with her dress once we screwed.”
Dedicated to the victims of Hurricane Ian:
The storm was as fierce as they come;
It rendered communities numb.
Pine Island caught hell;
Matlacha, Sanibel
Could all use your help – any sum.
Dr Handy, just that, on the scene
Nasal aspirator, got it clean…
Did his work with such pride
Took the mom’s cheers in stride
‘Snot rocket science, know what I mean?
I am always most gentle and kind,
And I rarely have axes to grind.
I derive little joy,
When I’m forced to destroy
Those opposing opinions I mind.
My dysfunction destroyed all my pride,
And for years I would take it in stride.
Then one day I did try
Some real Spanish fly;
And the ladies now all have to hide.
Kathy Hochul’s been “cookin’ with gas”.
She’s shown to have wisdom and class.
Now she says: “Go electric”.
That’s a true dialectic.
Haute cuisine will be ruined. Alas.
(Kathy Hochul is the governor of NY)
Long after my concert I rued
Not restarting that Chopin Etude,
‘Cause outside cycles roared,
Making sounds I deplored,
And destroying my soft playing mood.
“The Anti-Flatulent and Contra-Burping Rules For Senior Citizens”
To be certain that you’ll never rued
Any “senior” blind date in the mood,
First go to a show.
Next, “give it a go”
And afterwards, THEN eat the food.
The Card
Happy Mother’s Day, mom, from “The Dude”
The one with the real shitty tude.
Who of all of your kids
Ended up on the skids.
And the “accident” you’ve always rued.
Destruction
As The Donald positions his hand,
He implores, “We must all understand:
“This isn’t a hoax!
It’s the Donkey Pox folks!
That’s destroying this fabulous land.
“My dear, I’ve a real cool surprise.
It’s handy for very few guys.
My name is Diphallia
Now call your friend, Talia.
To join us, you see, I’ve two flies.”
(Yep, it’s a real mutation)
There’s a synonym contest today!
Match ‘despise’/’detest’/’loathe’ in some way
Handy Thes, intercede…
Also, pun-ish the deed…
‘Hate’ the syn, love the winner, I’d say!
Her future holds some lucky guy
Who’ll rapidly understand why.
Attentive and randy,
She’s really quite handy;
In other words – quick on the fly.
Bailed from work, novice Ned fished the bay
Tied his fly to the hook, like they say…
On his first mighty cast
Saw his trousers sail past
Laughing hard found him panting away!
She complained that her leg was kaput.
Her podiatrist then kindly put:
“Your leg is just fine,
But I see a sign
That there’s something afoot with your foot.”
RWG
To punish the guilty with jail
Is a strategy destined to fail
Just threaten each goat
With their own leaky boat
And tell them that they’ll have to bail
Some kind of morality nut
Described it as “vertical smut.”
Though seemingly lewd,
It’s not meant to be rude;
‘Cuz twerking is anything butt.
Here’s a useful and handy “Cheat Guide”,
Which maps out the places to hide.
Then after your fun,
Don’t feel guilty and run.
Simply stride with a swollen-head pride.
A concern in the bedroom was key
In destroying my marriage for me.
She left me one day.
So, what’s there to say.
My dildo was cursed with E.D.
Punxy Phil takes Groundhog Day in stride
Inside scoop on the ‘come out’ or ‘hide’:
All the profit Phil gets
From umpteen ‘inside’ bets
Makes it handy to just stay inside
I’ve heard “candy is dandy, but liquor
Is quicker” (and adds the right kicker).
But these days, if randy,
I fly to what’s handy.
If my ticker can take it, why bicker?
Attention All Limerick-Off Procrastinators: The current Limerick-Off ends this Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
History is unbearably crude,
Discussing it’s totally rude,
Mustn’t talk of slavery,
Or white men’s knavery,
Women’s freedoms must be eschewed,
I hope that, with skill and with luck,
This rhyme won’t descend into muck
With a word that is crude
And offensive and rude
At the end of the fifth line. Oh f**k!
Here’s why Terrible Ivan eschewed,
Being in a benevolent mood:
It’s really no myst’ry;
He owed it to hist’ry,
Therefore, anything less would be rude.
A Three-fer in two verses (Replacve the above)
He’s really a courteous dude.
His speeches are soaring, not rude.
But the subject was Trump,
So out on the stump
It was easy to be misconstrued.
He decried every group that destroys–
Three Percenters, Oath Keepers, Proud Boys–
“We should throw them in jail.
Punish them without bail.
Insurrection is NOT merely noise.”
Playful words make us smile, by intent
Like the phrase, “That was money, well, spent…”
Sentences, to cajole
With no bail, no parole
Serving life (tongue-in-cheek) pun-ish meant…
News from the Boonies
Laryngitis hit Podunk’s Town Crier;
Hence, he couldn’t cry, “SOON WE EXPIRE!”
Then, due to his throat,
He posted a note.
The blind lamplighter lit it on fire.
Premonition
Something told me I should have eschewed
A disaster I couldn’t preclude.
Please hear what I say!
Never go to a play.
“Our American Cousin” I rued.
As a boy, I learned not to be rude
And this lesson was blunt, I conclude.
When my Mom gave the talk,
It was “I’ll use a stalk
Of bamboo ‘til your butt’s ‘blacked and blued’!
“The Fly” (Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis)
Seth, the scientist sure caught my eye.
So handsome and smart, what a guy!
With his flutter-wing stride
He flaunts Musca Pride
I get such a buzz from my fly.
“My performance, so bad it was booed,
Left a lasting impression. When nude,
I remember that night,
And the honeymoon rite,
Which, from that day to this, I have rued.”
Said the upstanding Scotsman, “’Tis rude!
Lass, we cannae – it is nae allooed.
Tek ye’re hand from ma kilt!”
“Fine! Ah’ll leave ye tae wilt,”
Said the lassie, in petulant mood.
“The accused has good reason to fly,”
Said green lawyer, “And that, Judge, is why
I ask bail be refused.”
Said the judge, much amused,
“This is just a divorce. I deny.”
“One must learn to be clear and precise
In whatever one writes—” “Sound advice!”
“For if one’s misconstrued,
And thought naughty or rude—”
“Then some troll takes offence in a trice.”
Said the lassie, “Nae cause tae be shy.”
Said the Scotsman, preparing to fly.
“Ah’ll defend tae the hilt,
What lives under the kilt.”
“Will ye punish me then, if Ah try?”
Of the old-fashioned gent, it is said –
He, of course, being very well bred –
He’s gallant, never lewd,
Nor unknowingly rude,
And a bit of a rascal in bed.
Last Sunday, the Eagles did play;
Demolished the ‘Niners that day.
Will it turn out the same
In the Super Bowl game?
The Chiefs might have something to say…
“Naomi Campbell’
I love flying; it’s such a cool ride.
The ascent is a heavenly glide.
But a “runway” as well
Casts a glamorous spell
When Naomi parades her long stride.
(Naomi Campbell is one of the most recognisable models in demand of the last 4 decades)
“glamorous spell” ?? not so good… change line L4
“The Runway”
I love flying; it’s such a cool ride.
The ascent is a heavenly glide.
But a “runway”, as well
Casts a magical spell.
When Naomi parades her long stride.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun Limerick-Off, which is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 505. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Net.