Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BLUE or BLEW at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: January 7, 2023)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using BLUE or BLEW at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to RELIGION, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best RELIGION-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest: NAME, NAUSEOUS, PROFIT, TEASE, SILVER.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on January 8, 2023, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 7, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my BLUE or BLEW-Rhyme Limerick:
A litigious old fellow was blue.
His friends (he had only a few)
Asked “Why the bad mood?”
The response from that dude
Was “I’ve run out of people to sue!”
And here’s my RELIGION-Themed Limerick:
A man of the cloth would not share
His frank with his date at the fair.
“That’s unfair,” she cried out.
“I gave you my kraut.
So canoodle tonight? Not a prayer!”
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
There is someone I could (but won’t) name
Who makes me feel nauseous. My aim
Isn’t testing or teasing;
He’s just so displeasing,
I’d rather not add to his fame.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Law Humor, Law Limerick, Lawyer Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Litigation Humor, Litigation Limerick, Litigation Poem, Mood Humor, Mood Limerick, Mood Swings, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year.
The biblical name for this celebration is “Yom Teruah”
Once a year, Yom Teruah combines
Two reminders of mystical signs:
The awesome formation
Of Almighty Creation,
And another great year for new whines.
I remember the year, ’52.
Bought some shoes, and decidedly knew
I would be a big hit,
But it played out like shit.
Cuz the suede shoes I bought weren’t blue.
Word of the day BL-Ugh: The sound that one makes just before barfing
Blue in French is “Bleu” Look up “bleu” in “Pronunciation Guide” Click twice
And you will hear “The Word Of The Day”: BL-Ugh
I got nauseous from hearing (French) blue.
I became very ill through and through.
This two-syllable “tease”
Causes dreadful unease
And it’s likely that you’ll vomit too.
(Blue and Randoms)
Behavior he should have to rue:
Considering the secrets he blew:
Exposing those files
Just left out in piles
A civil judgment just won’t do
Behind the Bleu Door
I love salad dressing: cheese, bleu,
First tried when much younger. Who knew
How great it would taste
Every…? (Not for the chaste!)
Experimentation ~ whoo-hoo!
Take Back that Old-Time Religion
I’m spiritual, not religious;
To some that might seem sacrilegious.
But I can’t conceive
Of — told what to believe —
Meek agreement. That would be egregious.
I thank God for the freedom to choose
What I do with my partner (still news?).
We’ve let up on the booze
But no Goody Two-Shoes
Will persuade us we’re “lost”; I refuse.
Yes, salvation’s a personal thing.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring?
Breaking news: We’re Hellbound!
(Mass confusion. Look ’round.)
Nitwits. Me, I feel Found:
Kind and happy most days, and I sing.
(I’m not Trump with his bling, pain, and sting.)
I’ve never seen a purple cow blue.
They always seem happy to chew
On eggplant 🍆 served raw,
Purple grapes 🍇 oh Lor‘!
It’s blueberries they never will do.
Lindsey continued to woo,
Trump, when out of the blue
He said there’d be blood,
If the chubby orange stud
Was indicted for staging a coup.
Our vicar, a pleasant old chap,
Once tried to convert a young Jap.
But the cynical Nip
Gave the vicar some lip
And told him religion was not his cup of tea.
God put Onan’s life on the skids,
‘cos the Bible has things it forbids,
Sex IS procreational
NOT recreational:
Hand-relief is forbidden – have kids.
There was a young fellow called Dwight
Who said, “All religion is shite.
Though God doesn’t exist
His word’s true – folk insist;
And its aim is to give you a fright.”
Said a Catholic, “My sins come in shoals,
And they stop me attaining God’s goals.”
At confession he said
That he farted in bed.
“So do I,” said the priest. “Bless our souls.”
Sad a vet, “With religion I’m smitten;
I’ve read everything that has been written.
I’ve found ultimate karma
In bed with a llama –
Nirvanha I’ve had with a kitten.”
I upset, since my humour is blue,
The Christian, the Muslim, the Jew,
The Buddhist, the Sikh,
The Orthodox Greek,
The Agnostic and Atheist, too.
One wild deity, best known as Bog,
Scribbled, “Furrrrck!” in the Heavenly Log.
Though dyslexic since birth,
He was not without mirth,
So he came down to earth as a dog.
God said many eons ago
“You Are Dust” and that causes me woe.
I’m a woman who’s trusting.
I ne’er will be dusting,
Cuz it might be somebody I know.
Religious Dogma?
So, if Heaven’s a dog-friendly place,
Where, say, Lady and Tramp may embrace,
As you look to the sky,
Ask that sirius “why”
Has old Pluto then fallen from grace?
Hi, Lisi. I can’t stop lololololololol-ing at “You are dust”!
So once again England you blew
Your chances and missed quite a few
When in front of the goal
And now cannot console
Your fans who’ve gone home feeling blue
(Double)
“Hi! My name’s Sue, how d’you do?
I’ve been drinking; had more than a few.”
I approached (I was cautious)
She said “I feel nauseous”
I said “Let me hel…” as she blew!
Said Adam: “Hey God, what’s my fate?”
“Good question, – I’ve made you a mate,
With two tits and a twat,
From your rib! How cool’s that!?
Get busy you two, – Populate!”
I’ve been straining for hours on the loo.
Yet, not even a wee bit of poo.
Or for that matter gas,
Has emerged from my ass.
I’m beginning to feel a bit blue.
After decades of giving free pass
To those pedophile priests, dragging ass
Is just no longer working.
The pervs are still lurking
And Catholics are bolting en masse.
My hair’s turning silver with age.
But please, there’s no need to assuage
Me. I’d rather you’d tease
Me than lie to appease
Me. Admit it: It looks like dried sage!
“Where’s the baby to whom we refer?
We bring gifts Joe, -for Him, you and her.
(Joe looks in their sack),
“…must be killing your back, –
GOLD! and frankincense YES! – but what’s myrrh?”
Thank you, Sjaan!
“The Buddhist Philosophy: Live In The Present”
“Don’t think about what I just said.
Only think ’bout the present instead.”
(On reflection, my past
Was really a blast
The night that we both were in bed.)
I think this is better, so I won’t use the word “think” twice.
“The Buddhist Philosophy: Live In The Present”
“Forget about what I just said.
Only think ’bout the present instead”
(On reflection, my past
Was really a blast
The night that we both were in bed)
As a salesman, I always pass through
The Troaterland, just to see Sue.
We meet at “The Inn”
I leave with a grin.
Then explode, while I sing, “Thar She Blew”
(Rhyme and Randoms)
He fell into a paint vat; bright blue,
That washed off, but it caused him to spew.
So the blue he had been,
was now nauseous green.
Did I mention, his first name is Hue?
The mortu’ry nurse made a snigger
Saying, “Before he gets to the grave-digger,
I fancy a new knob
(I’ll call it my ‘blue-job’)
It’s colder than hubby’s but bigger!”
One winter a man in our hub
gloated outside in his heated tub
until a blown fuse
turned him all of the blues
and left nothing below but a nub!
Religion, I tend to ignore
As Heaven’s not where I’ll explore.
Devil-worship’s more me
On my wickedness spree
As virtue’s too much of a chore.
A reality show host named Moffat
Called his franchise “The Nauseous Profit”.
Silver surfers would tease
With the wrinkliest sleaze,
The weak-minded, as ever, would trough it.
The day after Thanksgiving’s through.
Sales were down–5% revenue.
It’s not like in my day
Of “In-the-Black” Friday.
This year it was all Black-and-Blue
Put my NAME on a contract one day
To borrow what now I can’t pay.
My non-PROFIT’s in danger.
Here comes Loan Arranger–
Oh, crap! I owe SILVER! Away!
The words of false PROFIT are written
On Trump’s tax returns. I’d be shittin’.
He can hide them no more.
Should be NAUSEOUS for sure.
Affluenza his childlike mind’s bitten.
REVISED- TYPO in first draft
A Shakespearian line, some think keen,
I TEASE is much too widely seen.
“What’s in a NAME?”
That question is lame–
The answer’s MANE, AMEN and MEAN!”
When I picked out a dress in bright blue,
My companion suggested ecru.
Then the sales clerk (no sage),
Said, “At your age, go beige.”
I turned fuchsia, and snapped back, “Et tu?”
(Not for the competition)
(Blue, Religion, and all of the Random Words)
Putting On Airs
I get ill, become nauseous, turn blue
at religion’s high profit I rue.
It’s unethical sleaze
to seek silver as tease
in air’s name that you claim you’ll redo.
“Your Birthday Card Was Late”
When Lazarus contacted Fred,
Freddie thought he was sick in the head.
Cuz Laz kept repeating
And couldn’t stop tweeting:
“I was dead! I was dead! I was dead!”
The new Preacher was clearly affronted.
At his glad-handing most people grunted.
Asked how often they pray,
Someone managed to say,
“Well, it’s been quite a spell since we hunted.”
What a treat to see Portly Bard hit a grand slam! (Off the wall and out of the park) :)
They sure make a real perfect pair.
He’s driving a two-tone Bel Air.
And his name is Bud.
(A real muscular stud)
Look at her! She’s still teasing her hair.
This one’s better
They sure make a real perfect pair.
He’s driving a two-tone Bel Air.
His nickname is “Bud”
(Quite a muscular stud)
And she is still teasing her hair.
Now let’s see what I can do with these “Randoms”
Got it! “A Rhyming Disagreement” “Silver”
“Not a thing” rhymes with silver, I Claim!
That’s the one phrase I’m sure I can name!
“Well, you think those words do,
But I know that’s not true.
Cuz to me they do not sound the same”
Are you happy with any of these:
Silver, nauseous, name, profit and tease?
Don’t just make a list
Add a funny small twist.
(That Mad One’s not easy to please.)
There’s silver and gold but the latter
Is the only one here that should matter.
So put on the kettle
And show us your mettle–
Some tea and some scones on a platter.
For Lisi: Another deleted scene from “Splendor….”?
Ad nauseum Deanie contends,
“Bud, I want to be more than just friends.”
She teased and she teased,
But her date wasn’t pleased.
“You’ll get pregnant,” he warned, “from split ends.”
oops, missed the second word again
There’s silver and gold but the latter
Is the only one here that should matter.
One will just tease
The other will please
Or Kane will be Mad as a Hatter.
Come pray with me, Sisters and Brothers,
And uncles and fathers and mothers.
If you’ve made a mess
It’s time to confess
To God and to possibly others.
Said Harry, I am decent and clean
And my prayers are all prayers that I mean.
I’m now eighty-seven
And I’ll soon be in Heaven.
Said God, That remains to be seen.
Come render your “LIttle Boy Blues”
As we listen and tend to our booze.
So the little boy blew
To a quarter of two.
When we wondered just whose date was whose.
What is my hope of salvation?
Asked my friend (indeed, a Dalmation)
It’s been a dog’s life
Oh the stress and the strife!
And every day more Ken-L Ration
In religion there is something new,
A privilege afforded to few.
Which faith, please tell me,
Allows you to be
Both a Jew and an atheist too?
Jesus spent his life helping the poor.
No one’s ever been like him before:
He healed all the blind.
Was gentle and kind
And installed our new Hickory door.
A woman named Jenny, he’s found,
Has a body and face that astound.
She’s a bit of a tease,
But she’s willing to please.
Silver baubles will bring her around.
Midas asked his soothsayer of yore:
“Gold or silver — which profits me more?”
That sly Seer (no schnook),
Had to get off the hook,
So he answered the King, “Either ore.”
Religion and Randoms: “Judas and the Last Supper”
“Don’t betray me, for that is a curse.
I’m aware of your name; you’re perverse.
I have given you wine,
(The “Fruit of the Vine”)
What’s that silver you have in your purse?”
I Need A Classier Job
Don’t want to be paid by the hour.
A “salary” stands for more power.
No more collar of blue.
I’ll change through a through.
And I’ll SWITCH to a full morning shower.
Asked if profit from fraud brought him shame,
Trump said, “I don’t care. I’m not to blame.”
Believing in facts,
Or paying a tax,
Were the only two sins he could name.
Oops. Line 3 (submitted 12/15 at 12:46am) has three feet. Time for a “pedectomy”.
That Concerto in “F” is for you?
Or the Rhapsody that is in Blue?
What’s a color or key?
You should always feel free
To listen to Gershwin. Please do.
An untalented flute ingenue,
Good at humming, took up the kazoo.
Buzzed the flautists, “Atrocious!”
Purred the maestro, “Precocious.”
(The kazoo wasn’t all that she blew.).
I never was good at karate
If I need a good hit, then I’ll party:
Diggin’ Miles’ Kind Of Blue
With a chick (with no clue);
Curaçao, – I’m SO arty-farty.
At the altar, all set for God’s oath,
The dude, said “I plight thee my troth”
The dumb bride said “I’m keen, –
But not here, – we’ll be seen.
Plight me later, – more fun for us both.”
Whenever I’m feeling real blue,
I change colors; it’s not hard to do.
All at once I am mellow.
Cuz I’ve switched blue to yellow.
And purple is pretty good too.
His Rhapsody, I’m telling you,
Is certain to make you feel blue.
His Concerto in “F”,
Unless you are deaf,
Will thrill you as effing few do.
A limerick writer was blue
‘Cause the rhyme word was “blew,” and he knew
That his muse (nasty slut!)
Would produce only smut.
So he caved. What’s an artist to do?
The result:
A couple who drove through St. Lou
Got excited and tried something new.
They went into a roll
When he lost all control;
But it wasn’t a Goodyear that blew.
(Line 4 edit of 12/15 5:12 pm entry)
An untalented flute ingenue,
Good at humming, took up the kazoo.
Buzzed the flautists, “Atrocious!”
Purred Maestro, “Precocious.”
(The kazoo wasn’t all that she blew.).
A young Krishna-in-training named Moffett,
Donned a robe and vowed never to doff it.
He was teased by the crowd,
As he begged in his shroud,
But stayed in it, he said, for the Prophet.
(a profitless endeavor of a limerick, I fear).
Like a bat out of hell, my car flew,
Drifting hard ‘round the bends; back-end slew.
Now I always must walk,
So I just talk the talk
Since the two point O four that I blew!
Easter Friday: named “Good” (just the one day),-
They made toast ‘round the fire; such a fun day.
From the cross came a plea:
“Hey guys, save some for me.
I love hot-cross buns, – see you Monday.”
“Secret Santa is always the same,”
Groused The Grinch. “What a profitless game.”
He dug into his hat,
And sighed, “So much for that.”
Once again he had drawn his own name.
Want to know if I love only you?
Well, I do when you come into view
Now and then, here and there.
And I really do care,
Whenever the moon becomes blue.
(Meanwhile here in Renmark, South Australia).
As the Murray runs higher and higher,
We’re placing our bets now on Gaia
To stem the vast flows
As they lap at our toes.
We’ve not had much luck with Messiah.
470 BC Or Thereabouts: Confucianism
The Master Confucius enchants!
And these wise words he always implants:
“Keep your feet on the ground
Is not real profound
Cuz then one could not put on one’s pants.”
Eve wandered through Eden, in song,
Looking hot in a fresh fig-leaf thong.
She soon was detected
By Homo Erected.
I ask: what, on Earth, could go wrong?
They say profits and wealth are a lie;
Silver loses its shine, by and by.
The possession of treasure
Will bring you no pleasure.
(I’m willing to give it a try.)
Though we love the U.S. ,me and Sue,
An irregular flag had to do.
Money’s been very tight,
Yet it’s hanging just right.
We’re so proud of our red, puce, and blue.
Oh well, yes, I suppose it is true
That the sky and some flowers are blue,
But my mood’s bluer still
When I see (as I will)
That my tax refund hasn’t come through.
On Chanukah, goodness abounds —
Yummy latkes, deep-fried fragrant rounds.
I’ve indulged in a few,
And next week I’ll be blue
When the scale shows I’ve gained seven pounds.
That monster whose name rhymes with “frump”
Leaves me nauseous and needing a dump,
But his luck has begun
To run out — oh, what fun! —
And his profits will certainly slump.
Dear Pastor, I know that you pray
For me hundreds of times every day…
Better save that entreaty:
I’m telling you, sweetie,
I plan to stay gay anyway.
There isn’t much food that is blue —
Cheese, crabs, and a berry or two;
But food that is white
Is so boring and trite
That I’d sooner eat glue… wouldn’t you?
RELIGIOUS: Off-Label Use for Holy Anointing Oil
When she paused to discuss a conjunction –
Sought to question an ampersand’s function –
I said, “Miss, please excuse,
But this rub down could use
Fewer ifs, ands, or buts and more unction.”
A hot gal’s asking Santa to stay:
“My name’s Dawn, let’s make love through till day”
She drops to her knees;
He’s erect from her tease.
“Can’t get back up the chimney THIS way.“
Gal named Sal was at Santa’s last visit.
She kissed him; made rigid his digit.
He said “This won’t do, –
Can’t get back up the flue,
Cuz my widget keeps trying to bridge it.”
Oops! Mad, ignore my last entry (only one random).
Actually true: weather forecast for here in Chicago, starting tonight, 12 inches or more of snow. “Holiday Dinner Cancelled”
Heard the forecast, and wow! how I shook.
12 inches of snow, lots ‘a gook!
Cancelled flights on “Jet Blue”
And the in-laws were due.
Hurrah! now I won’t have to cook.
Religion is one of those things
That serious thoughts to us brings —
Like why does a pigeon
In avian religion
See God having feathers and wings.
Do you know my friend Tom, the agnostic?
On the subject of faith he is caustic:
“Utter nonsense! What goof
Believes tales with no proof?”
That’s the story behind this acrostic.
BLUE: An Even Modester Proposal
Are you overwhelmed, stressed out, and blue
‘Cause you bit more off than you can chew?
H o O k E r S d R u G s M i N d L e S s s E x
f L e E F r O m H i T – A n D – R u N W r E c K s …
Just like that, you won’t feel so askew! 😃
NAME, NAUSEOUS, PROFIT, TEASE, SILVER: 5/5
One can never be overly cautious
Of prospective prospectors monoecious:
Teasing profits for silver,
He’ll still never will her-
Self to name its gender; just nauseous!
Postscript: monoecious is the scientific term for which the approximate colloquial adjective is hermaphroditic.
*their gender
Apologies to the LGBTQ+ community
Hi Keone,
The LGBTQ+ community may accept your apology, but the grammar police has a warrant for your arrest for your correction. Murdering the English language is a felony.
Rudy
***********
Hey Rudy, by now I’d think you’d know how I feel about rudeness on my blog. And that goes especially when it involves a new Limerick-Offer unfamiliar with your “sense of humor.”
A Miracle?
We named our new baby girl Iris.
For this miracle Sue was desirous.
She was nauseous each day
In her “fam-i-ly way”
A “Miracle”? Or just a virus?
Hey Mad (and Keone),
Humor to be funny has to have an edge.
I don’t believe that I was being rude to Keone.
If I was rude at all, it was to the LGBTQ+ community (of which I am a member) for making a hash of English for it’s perceived version of political correctness.
And I believe Keone’s “apology” was made with tongue firmly in cheek.
Rudy
*****
From Mad Kane:
Perhaps you didn’t intend to be rude, but that’s how it came across to me.
Dear Rudy,
You are incorrect. My apology was sincere. From facebook:
“Edit: line 5 I feel bad for fucking up by using the incorrect gender-neutral pronoun – changed “its” to “their.” See View Edit History for previous version.”
Hi Keone,
In that case, I still hope that you were not offended by my comment. If you were, then please accept my apology.
And perhaps, I should concede that language does change (unfortunately, not always for the better).
Rudy
My wife teased, “While I jog, you like naps…”
She keeps track, while my recall has gaps…
While enduring her dogging
‘Bout my mem’ries she’s jogging
All my silver-haired mem’ries do lapse…
A Letter To Santa
Dear Santa, I’ve been very kind,
Extremely polite and refined.
Gee, now I am blue,
Cause none of that’s true.
I’m tearing this up. Never mind.
The Office Christmas Party
Reacquainting with friends makes me glow.
I’ve wrapped so many gifts to bestow.
Though soon I feel blue,
Cuz everyone who
Is there, I saw minutes ago.
“Gave my grandson a trumpet: he blew.
And he blew all the live-long day through.
It occasioned a rift.
(I regretted the gift.)
Little sod wouldn’t stop, so I slew.”
There’s a wrathful old preacher named Kevin;
It’s doubtful he’ll get into heaven.
Disregarding his creed,
He shows pride, lust, and greed.
He’s been making his way through The Seven.
“The Salvation Army” (Christmas Randoms)
I’m paid hourly, (not a humdinger).
Some people might say I’m a “bringer”
No profit is made,
But I hope to give aid
By being a Silver Bell Ringer.
“I was nauseous. Just hearing your name …
Though, in fairness, a thought has the same
Consequences. Divorce
Hasn’t weakened the force
Of my loathing – and you’re still to blame.”
The Honeymoon From Hell
I’m sure you won’t like Timbuktu.
It’s a town that you shouldn’t pursue.
Our trip was like hell
Not one place did they sell
Even one little pill that was blue.
Sir Talentless was a man who
Tried writing, yet hadn’t a clue
That an optical glitch
Would render him rich.
Just because he thought violets were blue.
When my ten-year heard the door bell,
He yelled, “What have you got to sell?”
A Jehovah’s Witness
Then scared him shitless,
When he said, “RUDE BOYS GO STRAIGHT TO HELL.”
There’s a line between funny and rude,
Or a joke that is bawdy or lewd,
Or a song striking you
As plain maudlin, not blue.
It’s a question of one’s attitude.
The big tease, and with legend replete
Big Foot captured! Elusive, elite…
After many long years
Causing nausea and fears
Quite the catch, and for sure no small feet!
Inspiration has got a clogged vent;
My mojo’s behind with the rent;
My muse is so blue
She just hasn’t a clue,
And I can’t coin a phrase, cos I’m spent.
While driving his tire blew
Throwing him off the road right through
A solid steel guard rail
He suddenly turns pale
When realizing, he was thru
He inherited a silver mine
Which had such a beautiful shine
Others heard about his luck
Tried forcing him to buck
Their tricks showed that he had a spine
Let’s cheer for the red, white and blue
And respect for our country renew
In this age of disruption
And crime and corruption.
It’s surely the least we can do.
“An Original Picasso” Randoms and blew
For a profit, here’s what you can do:
Get a picture your first grader drew.
Then hold a yard sale.
You’ll get rich; it won’t fail.
Say, “Its name is The Train Whistle Blew”
What I MEANT to say: (Line 5) “An Original Picasso” (randoms and blew)
For a profit, here’s what you can do:
Get a picture your first grader drew.
Then hold a yard sale.
You’ll get rich; it won’t fail.
Say, “Its name is “Le Train Whistle Blew”
Lived a daring young chef Gordon Bleu
Who played ‘chicken’ with all friends he knew
At full speed, didn’t blink
And with crash on the brink…
Swerved with ham and cheese, meal would ensue
‘Twas an ill wind that blew,
But it always blew something new.
That is like life.
Whatever the strife,
Count your blessings no matter how few.
In response to a person who was mocked for asking people to pray for her car.
Much greater He is than we are.
A trillion times lighted a star.
A lone sparrow’s call
Or a single hair’s fall.
So why shouldn’t we pray for a car?
“Allahu Akbar” is the Muslim’s cry.
God is greater than you and I.
Please bring peace on earth
And mankind’s rebirth
And don’t let our sister’s car die.
Preacher Sam bought his own fishin’ hole
A fish farm, where he needed no pole
Though his fish stock went flat
He, pray tell, still grew fat
Fed himself plus his new, hungry sole…
I remember the day I was ten.
I pondered the world in my den.
Though very untoward,
I deduced there’s no Lord.
I’m an Atheist, thank God, Amen.
“Did my training at school Gordon Blue,
And I majored in saying, ‘Screw you!’
By the end of the course
I could curse myself hoarse,
And make Spag’ Carbonara for two.”
Out of all of the beasts in the zoo,
There is none as impressive, it’s true,
As the king of baboons
Who incessantly moons
with his buttocks all scarlet and blue.
So I went as a Smurf to the do,
All dressed up with my skin tinted too,
But I must have, I think,
Used indelible ink,
And for weeks ever since I’ve been blue.
Van Gogh, when he ran out of blue,
And of green, red, and yellow paint too,
Said ’There’s no need to frown,
I will just switch to brown’
As he loaded his paintbrush with poo.
“For a while I’ll paint all in blue,”
Said Picasso, “then try something new.
I’ll ask women to sit
Saying, ‘Beauty? You’re it!’
But their faces will be all askew.’
A loner, named Ranger, prized tasks,
That were mindless — like washing his masks.
If his doorbell should chime,
He’d tell Tonto, “Say I’m
Cleaning silver, if anyone asks.”
The Lone Ranger has always been game
To play with his horse without shame.
And Silver he’d straddle
For fun in the saddle.
A zoophile? Hey, what’s in a name?
In Heaven, the sweethearts are kissing.
It’s nice when they start reminiscing.
Wise clergies are there.
Each says one special prayer.
And all of the cool cats are missing.
“Divorce,” proclaimed Henry the Eighth,
“Will be cool in my shiny new faith.
While beheadings won’t stop
— You displease me? Chop Chop! —
I’ll be strictly a Protestant wraith.”
“Hey buddy, come join the crusade;
We’ll pillage and loot and get laid,”
Said the knight. “And the pope
Says ‘Don’t sit there and mope;
Get a move on! For conquest I’ve prayed!’ “
My wife, (a real blubbery sight),
Bestowed me a strip tease last night.
To avoid getting nauseous,
I had to be cautious
And instantly turned off the light.
A very nice rabbi I knew
Had ended up getting quite blue
Cos something had caused us
To feel very nauseous
Said he, ‘I can’t name it. Can you?’
FAITH sparks int’rest in so many ways
Soul investments in ‘lividends’ pays
Though He wasn’t a banker
His sweet mom, we should thank her
He still SAVES for those long reigny days
There was a young pastor named Enos,
Who loved the famed portrait of Venus.
“Her hand and her hair
cover naughty bits there,
we’ve no genital references ‘tween us.”
BLEW, BLUE:
My grandchildren still ask me who
Gave me underwear all colored blue.
I don’t know what to say
For their fears to allay
That the color was what the wind blew.
RELIGION:
In my garden I have a tame pigeon
Who just doesn’t want a religion.
I’ve tried to persuade her,
But she’s just an evader
And she will not take up just a smidgeon!
NAME, NAUSEOUS, PROFIT, TEASE, SILVER:
So it’s now time to tease with a name
That sounds just so nearly the same.
It’s nauseous I know
But it has to be so
Just to note that our Kane couple came!!
Sang a modest choir cantor named Jim
His voice boomed, filled the church to the brim
Hit the high notes with ease
Humbly, down in his knees
Claimed his voice a gift given to hymn
Some folks like to start a jihad.
They do it for country and God.
And here’s what they do —
Throw some bombs. Kill a few.
Even God, so I’m told, thinks that’s odd.
I went skiing last year up in Maine.
All week long it did nothing but rain.
If God is all good,
I don’t know how He could
Permit evil weather. Explain!
Religion’s an opiate, dear,
For folks who are living in fear.
You want to to know why
They need to get high?
They know Armageddon is near.
Said our guide from the ‘Holy Land Tours’
“Guess who’s back?!” (from the Galilee shores)
Well, ’twas no second coming…
And quite painful and numbing
When he whacked me real hard and said, “YOURS!”
With Religion I still wonder why
Many ‘buy’ such a cruel big fat lie:
Years of bullshit from Church,
But we’re left in the lurch:
Good folk starve; battle; freeze; drown,
or fry.
Use the brain God gave you to discern
For it’s never too late, you can learn
Check the odds when you bet
Free will can cause regret
Unless you’ve got the money to burn…
In this life, we are just passing through
So beware of the myopic view…
Gifts to others and fasting
Can bring life everlasting
It’s a litmus test for me and you
The Republicans fumbled and fussed
As their quest for a Speaker went bust.
A mass tantrum they threw
(For the red, white, and blue!)
As McCarthy’s hopes crumbled to dust.
His Horse’s Ass ~
“Hi De Ho!” When he’s drunk, he would tease,
but name-calling caused Silver unease
and the masked man, uncautious,
would make his horse nauseous—
no profit of oats would appease.
A big ‘name’ of the ol’ silver screen,
Tried a come-back in Porn, and was keen
To go strut his stuff.
The audition? Rebuff!
His ‘stuff’ was too small to be seen.
When Noah and friends did embark
For a cruise on the “Carnival Ark”,
It was just like a zoo.
Forty days simply flew.
Back to biblical times it did hark.
(2 verses)
The Devil remarked to Saint Pete’,
At their twice-monthly Pearly Gates meet:
“The result of our forum
to ensure we don’t bore ’em:
A limerick comp would be neat”
Saint Pete said “We’ll win! – don’t you see?
All the best writers live HERE with me!”
Devil said “Pete that’s swell,
Take a peek down in Hell, –
All the judges are THERE, – so we’ll see!”
Oops! Wrong version at January 5, 2023 at 7:59 am.
(2 verses)
The Devil remarked to Saint Pete’,
At their twice-monthly Pearly Gates meet:
“The result of our forum
to ensure we don’t bore ’em:
A limerick comp would be neat”
Saint Pete said “You’re on! – I agree, –
Cos the best writers live HERE with me!”
Devil said “Pete’ that’s swell,
Take a peek down in Hell, –
All the judges are THERE, – so we’ll see!”
A bit of everything (Theme, Randoms and Rhyme).
“Thanks God”, says the optimist; proud,
As the sun teases through the sky’s shroud.
Revelations of blue, –
But the pessimist’s view?
Silver linings each have a big cloud.
I know there’s no profit in whining,
Though my old joie de vivre’s declining.
So, today here I sit
In a barrel of shit;
And I’m looking for its silver lining.
Prhyme Time ~
Alas, silver has no perfect rhyme.
Rhyming profit with prophet’s a crime.
In Jove’s name, please don’t tease—
near-rhyme causes unease—
I get nauseous from rhyme that’s sub-prime.
The Silver Digger and the Trapeze Man ~
Silver’s profit, a ruse, was a tease
(but I won’t name her name, if you please).
As she flew through the air
she learned wealth wasn’t there
and got nauseous with greatest unease.
“Make New Friends And Keep The Old”
I can name some “false” friends I can’t trust.
Thus decided that I always must
Keep only the gold.
Even though they are old.
Cuz I’ve noticed the silver friends rust.
Eyes half-glazed, up I gazed at a soffit,
When some “crawly” (unnamed) fell right off it.
It dropped onto my iris,
An event undesirous
From which none but my eye doc will profit.
Eyes half-glazed, up I gazed at a soffit,
When some “crawly” (unnamed) fell right off it.
It dropped onto my iris,
An event undesirous
From which none but my eye doc will profit.
Rumpelstiltskin reaped profit from fame
When his moniker brought him acclaim.
But obscure Aloysius,
Said, “I’m not ambitious.
All I wish is for some other name.”
Sorry for all-thumbs double entry of 1-6-23 10:28 am. I tend to repeat myself. self.
A dyslexic, old man from Manhattan
Read the Bible in English and Latin
Then glanced at his bed
With a heart full of dread
For he knew he could not reject satin.
I admit I can feel the flames lapping
when I start anapestically rapping
with my lim’rickal horde,
yet even the Lord
(when they’re funny) is secretly clapping.
Writing lim’ricks has caused me to dwell
on whether there’s laughter in hell
but I heard a rumor
that those blessed with humor
will be there, so Heaven farewell!
There was an old nun from Gibraltar
Who sinned (although you shouldn’t fault ‘er).
She loved licking Larry,
Got busy with Barry
And sullied the altar with Walter.
A lion away from the city zoo
Said that he was terribly in blue ;
With not good voice anymore
He can’t roar well as before ;
Now he cannot roar but only mew .
‘Twas a saintly young girl from Cancun
Who just craved butter right off a spoon
But she soon grew so fat
That when standing, she sat…
And she’d howl, “Praise the Lard!” at the moon!
While his colorful kinks were ecstatic
this lifestyle was deemed problematic
thus philandering Blue
swore his love to one hue
and lived his life monochromatic.
My Optimist called me today
To tell me he’s going away.
“Your appointment at two,
I’ve postponed, – I’m too blue.
I can’t cheer you up until May.”
The past tense of fly? Why it’s flew.
The past tense of blow? Surely blew.
So why did my teacher
(a hard-hearted creature)
get mad when I said “the car slew?”
The artist sat back and debated
which colors could stand to be mated
while pink said to blue
“You clod, get a clue!
I’m not going to be violated!”
Attention All Limerick-Off Procrastinators: The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
Said Satan to God “You are shrewd,
but your servant, Gennadiy, is lewd!”
As the Lord cried “objection!”
my lim’rick collection
was brought in to settle the feud.
With my lifestyle, The Lord may have qualms
and yes, I’ve tried reading the psalms
to learn from the sages
it’s just that the pages
all keep getting stuck to my palms.
“Masturbation is vile and uncouth!”
Cried my priest as I told him the truth.
He begged me to stop
or at least bring a mop
and clean before leaving the booth.
In polling, the name of the game
Is Silver of 5 3 8 fame.
If you want the odds,
Nate’s one of the gods,
But if you lose the bet, you’re to blame.
Imams speak of heavenly treasure
“Over seventy virgins” they measure.
but what for the gals-
will they get virgin pals?
That’s seventy minutes of pleasure…
A Randoms lim for Sjaan (entirely in the interest of humour, – don’t believe a word).
Here’s a tease re your lim about “soffit”:
Street-smart! (double entry)
could profit
From extra attention
And name you a Mention.
You claim accidental? Come off it!
I stand for the red, white, and blue.
Pledge allegiance? Of course I do, too.
My beliefs are progressive—
The right calls them transgressive.
Too bad that they haven’t a clue.
A dyslexic was left in the lurch
On the pulpit, where he had a perch.
He offered his prayers
To the great Dog upstairs
And soon was tossed out of the church.
They can be sot, hard or quite blue.
They can be smelly or oozing white goo.
They are often a winner
And the end of the dinner,
And cheese can be like that too,
“Hinduism”
I follow the rulings of Dharma.
And trust in the power of karma.
I long for a mate,
But I can’t get a date.
I guess I’m a guy with no charma.
“My name’s Dreamboat, and here is a present.
This present will make you feel pleasant.
With a feather, I’ll tease you.
It should certainly please you.
For an encore, I’ll use the whole pheasant”
“What has happened to Little Boy Blue?”
“He went off to the city, ‘Adieu!’
First, he busked with his horn,
Now, I hear, he’s reborn,
And is making his name in revue.”
A minor improvement.
“Did my training at school Gordon Blue,
And I majored in shouting, ‘SCREW YOU!’
By the end of the course
I could curse myself hoarse,
And make Spag’ Carbonara for two.”
Hi, Terry — I enjoyed being randomly selected :)
It appears that you’ve seen through the ruse,
About posting my lim’ricks in twos.
Will you say that it’s hype
When I swear I can’t type
If I change this month’s rhyme word to “blues”?
Teased a comely young woman named Mae:
“Come and see me! I’ll cook, then we’ll play!
But my cooking may cause ya
A bad bout of nausea.”
We skipped straight to the nookie that day.
When a cannibal’s craving demands,
Foreign treats from unnameable lands,
Though he tries to be cautious,
If a guy makes him nauseous,
In frustration, he throws up his hands.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun Limerick-Off, which is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 504. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Rude.