Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CHIP at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: September 17, 2022)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CHIP at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to RELAXATION, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best RELAXATION-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest: DEFECT, SMART, VOICE, SHAME, TASTE.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on September 18, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, September 17, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my CHIP-rhyme limerick:
A fellow who thought he was hip
And who bragged he’d invented a chip,
Would attempt to act cool,
But look like a fool;
Telltale chip-crumbs bespeckled his lip.
Here’s my RELAXATION-themed limerick:
A man was attempting to chill,
But his debt worries made him feel ill.
And all of his tries
To relax were unwise
Cuz they further inflated his bill.
And here is my RANDOM WORDS GENERATOR limerick:
With podcasts I’m highly selective;
Something witty and smart’s my objective.
Plus I must clear my choice
With my ears. If the voice
Is high-pitched, it’s, alas, deemed “defective.”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Audio, Chips, Competition Limerick, Debt Humor, Debt Limericks, Food Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Money & Finance Humor, Money Limerick, Podcast Humor, Podcast Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Relaxation Humor, Relaxation Limerick, Technology Humor, Voice Humor, Voice Limerick, Writing Prompts
Relaxation
When I practice Yin Yoga, I pray.
To myself, and then quietly say:
“C’mon inner peace
I still can’t release;
Do you think that I’ve got the whole day?”
Relaxation
Those “white noise machines” are a thrill.
At night I could never stay still.
I was always so stressed
But now I can rest
While I sleep to the sound of a drill.
“It’s a shame, ’bout your real “honky” voice.”
“I agree, but I just had no choice.
See, before I was born
(Though he did use his horn)
Mom was struck by a silver Rolls Royce.”
My car has a minor defect.
I’m a genius, and thus I suspect
It simply won’t start,
(I know since I’m smart)
Cuz today it got totally wrecked.
I was rubbing and scratching my hip
So hard that I heard something slip.
I looked down at the floor
And began to explore.
There it was! “A Bill Gates Microchip.”
A putt’s not a drive or a chip.
It’s a nudge t’wards a cup or its lip.
When it’s good, the ball drops,
But it mostly just stops–
And I can’t blame the grass or my grip!
CHIP (British English for a french-fry)
Aged sixteen I went on a trip.
I traveled to France on a ship
And learned a new word
Which I thought was absurd,
For the French say “pomme-frite”, meaning “chip”.
Jack Sprat and his missus would bawl,
At each meal over grievances small.
He: “This plate has a chip!”
She: “Enough with the lip —
You’re lucky I feed you at all!”
I’ve been through a tough couple of weeks
Sleepless nights in misery with shrieks
Warning signs missed I feel like a dunce
Wedding anniversary in E.R more than once
Finally, all’s well that ends well- COVID reeks
********
From Mad Kane:
Sorry to hear you’ve been so ill, but very glad to hear you’re feeling better!
On his shoulder was a chip
With a sidearm on his hip
He rode high in the saddle
Silenced the town’s babble
And no one gave him any lip
Take from me a little tip
If on your shoulder there’s a chip
There’s always going to be one
Wondering if you’ll fight or run
From the harassment of his lip
The computer chip, The Chocolate chip
Don’t know the difference you’re not hip?
Some for protection, some for cookies
The older generation feels like rookies
When asked how many bytes before a dip?
“1980”
“Janie dresses in very poor taste.
Our fam’ly is shocked and disgraced.
It’s truly a shame.
This “fad” is to blame!
Her blue jeans are under her waist.”
correction of above limerick. I had the date wrong
“1970’s Hip Huggers”
Janie dresses in very poor taste.
Our fam’ly is shocked and disgraced.
It’s truly a shame
This “fad” is to blame.
Her blue jeans are under her waist.
“Tell me, who had the much better voice?
I know you have taste. Make your choice —
Tebaldi or Callas?”
“I’ll say without malice,
Just Streisand can make me rejoice.”
There once was a fellow named Chip
well known for his terrible quips
till the one day his mom
heard her son mouthing on
and now he has two buttoned lips!
She was fiddling around ‘tween my thighs,
So gently; I felt the heat rise.
I thought she was hip,
but she’d dropped a hot chip
now she’s diggin’ meatballs with French fries.
I messed a key stress-word while waxing
A lim’rick I found rather taxing.
The outcome (not best):
It’s ME that is stressed,
In a pastime that should be relaxing.
“You must go on The Voice; do your thing.
Just think of the joy you will bring”.
He agrees; loves her ‘heart’,
But he’s not very smart.
Such a shame, – what he CAN’T do is Sing!
I don’t speak of a nap as a “kip,”
And my suitcase is never my “grip,”
But that stick served with cod —
Deep-fried blessing from God —
I have no problem calling a chip.
It’s a challenge to eat just one chip
And have no other one pass your lip
If you’re watching your weight
With a near empty plate
(But who’s counting the calories in the dip? )
It’s midnight; I’m down to one chip.
And I know she will give me the lip.
But I’m a brave man,
So here is my plan:
“Man Overboard!” (I’m gonna’ skip.)
Permit me to change line 5 (Aug. 21 10:56 pm)
“Tell me, who had the much better voice?
I know you have taste. Make your choice —
Tebaldi or Callas?”
“I’ll say without malice,
Foster Jenkins does make me rejoice.”
I’m off the old block a big chip?
I object and I’ll give you this tip:
I am merely a splinter.
I may be a squinter,
But my dad leers and gawks at a clip.
Relaxation
Anxiety’s something I lack.
It’s instinctive, (a God-given knack.)
I sense all the keys
To staying at ease.
And this straight-jacket keeps me laid back.
Correction as to not use “man” twice
“The Cruise”
It’s midnight; I’m down to one chip.
I know she will give me “the lip.”
But I am no dope
I fine’ly have hope.
“Man Overboard!” I’m ‘gonna skip.
Although I have high aspirations,
I’ve come upon grave limitations.
For the rhyming word, “chip”
My sole thought is “pip”
I don’t have real great expectations.
The great math’matician Sir Drip
Is visiting me via ship.
To help me lose weight
(He’ll be sitting in “freight.”)
To explain one sixteenth of a chip.
I live in a real pricy flat.
I relax all day long, (love to chat.)
Don’t have any job,
Like the av-er-age slob.
Cause I am a spoiled trust fund brat.
It is now 2:25 AM Central Time, and I’m wide awake.
Now who can relax all the time?
Not me! and it sure is a crime.
I toss and I turn.
Gee, when will I learn
To stop thinking about a good rhyme?
Planned Obsolescence?
The digital gremlins let rip
And chewed up my laptop’s old chip.
As it draws its last breath
With the blue screen of death,
How’s it playing an Amazon clip??
Relaxation (if you know what I mean) …
Since collecting my miserable pension,
There’s something my wife needs to mention.
Retirement’s less stress
But oh how could I guess
The angst of less pressure and tension?
Her voice makes me smart, what a shame;
An assault on my ears I proclaim!
She’s so NOT to my taste
With this defect un-chaste.
That loudmouth’s extinguished the flame.
He gambled his house, and his ship.
Told the croupier gal “Let her RIP”
She spun; the ball popped,
His heart (and wheel) stopped.
The loss killed him, – he’s ’cashed his last chip’.
A confession’s forthcoming (for shame):
I stole five Random Words, two I’ll name.
If a Wordle detective,
Finds one is defective,
My defense is, it’s all in the game.
When I narrate a lim’rick, my choice,
Is quite often a “first person” voice.
If I could, I would own a
Much smarter persona.
This one’s dumb, but I’ve some that are woise.
The End Of Act One And Culmination, Midpoint Of “Rosemary’s Baby”
The “chalky” taste Rosie detected
Was yucky and quite unexpected
She didn’t eat much.
Couldn’t get help from “Hutch”
Thank goodness that Roman defected.
The William Creek pub draws me nigh.
I’ll relax; see Lake Eyre from the sky.
Then, my favourite deal, –
Their seven-course meal:
It consists of six beers and a pie.
A good put made in golf – very hip.
When driving you can let it rip.
If you’re playing for dough,
Here’s what you should know.
Nothing lowers your score like a chip.
It’s in her Rider!
Before she performs her cantata,
Or repertoire etceterata,
Make a quick deli’ trip,
For the diva’s fave’ Chip’
An Italian-style Chipolata.
As a ‘tot’ he was once heard to quip
“May my son someday grow up to dip
Into cool ranch or brie
And not ketchup like me.”
True to form – off the old block, a chip…
Grab your chaise lounge; relax in the sun.
Settle down till the whole day is done.
Leave your troubles behind.
But if you should find
A fruit fly, then call 911.
Willie Wonka was smart as a whip;
On computers he had a firm grip.
As his business had grown
He built one of his own.
It contained the world’s first choc’late chip.
I’ve found an antique at the tip,
A rare table in need of a strip.
“Chippendale” says the sign;
For my TV, it’s fine, –
And hot videos, (NOT “Dale n Chip”).
To relax, Dr. H. Shrinker said,
“Find the coziest spot in your bed.
Lie very still, dear
And advice you will hear
From the voices inside of your head.”
Although he was not very swank,
We should pray ev’ry night, just to thank
Mr. “Many a Voice”
Who made us rejoice.
So smart! (But his name draws a Blanc.)
In a world long ago lived one Plato;
No Italy, TV or potato.
So no Fries or chips
Passed over his lips.
Nor pizza, while watching the Late Show.
Modified Limerick
“Instructions For Relaxing”
Got my chaise lounge, relaxed in the sun.
Mellowed out till the whole day was done.
Went home, saw a fly.
I thought I would die,
And instantly called 911.
I’m quite fond of my own relaxation.
It beckons me like a flirtation.
What I find really bad.
In fact, it’s quite sad.
Is it stimulates procrastination.
Had a sex-change and what a smart choice!
I was Johnny and now I am Joyce.
I’ve no more facial hair.
Then got breasts, (what a pair!)
And the finishing touch: a “Re-Voice”
R.I.P. Bugs Bunny
He was smart, although not very “swank.”
I hope that we “Boomers” did thank
Mr. “Cartoony Voice”
Who made us rejoice.
What’s his name? Gee, I’m drawing a Blanc.
Married Susan, (my very first choice.)
She’s smart and she makes me rejoice.
Now I know about strife.
And the rest of my life
She will mention “the tone of my voice.”
Methinks Dick should button his lip;
He’s committed a Freudian slip.
(When he asked if his date
Might share one off her plate
He said “strip” when he meant to say “chip.”)
These alternative “types” are sheer quacks.
Their “advice,” said to help folks “relax,”
(Like that “mindfulness” crap)
Makes me just want to slap
Them or lash out in rage with an axe.
Tricky Trish appears to be all pure and chaste
When in truth, she’s developed a taste
For hay rolls with wild game.
Yet not one ounce of shame
Seems to show, or to leave her red-faced.
I like books which just burst with elan,
And I read them whenever I can.
In “Goodbye, Mr Chips”
There are several great quips
And the tale of a really kind man.
Many cookies in stores are a trip,
And most I would just as soon skip.
Homemade are the best.
There’s nary a contest.
But the best, of the best – chocolate chip.
Voluptuous Memories
The rhyme word this cycle is “chip.”
I love it; it’s really a pip.
It reminds me of poker
When I had the joker
And Pearl had no choice but to strip.
Wannabe winemaker Richard Cranium Achieves ultimate relaxation.
Dick said he produced his own wine.
Dick bragged that it’s stronger than mine.
Dick: short time apprentice.
Dick: non compos mentis:
Dick made bad Moonshine. Dick: flat-line!
It’s a shame that you choose to decline
This elegant wine from the Rhine.
You say it’s a waste
And has simply no taste?
I’d say that’s your old vintage whine.
O.M.G. A pun!!
Relaxation
I tried jogging, but didn’t get far.
I’d rather have taken my car!
Long ago, I had zest,
But that day I was stressed.
Now my fav’rite pursuit’s R&R.
I Can’t Relax!
It’s been such a nerve-racking night!
Thanksgiving was sure no delight!
And look at this mess!
I can’t take the stress!
These apron strings feel much too tight!
My defect’s a sing-songy voice.
But what can I do? I’ve no choice!
See, I’m in the church choir.
And I’ve spent my entire
Damn lifetime rehearsing “Rejoice.”
I admitted to taking the trip.
Someone saw me and then let it slip.
So now “hubby” knows.
And that’s how it goes.
It will fall where it may, (that damn chip.)
Susie gave me a wonderful tip:
“You’re too fat, girl, now please get a grip.
Though this may sound absurd,
You must eat like a bird.”
Then she left, and I pecked at a chip.
On his shoulder he carries a chip
And he carries a gun on his hip
Don’t mess with this dude
‘Cause he’s got a real ‘tude
And his sanity’s starting to slip
Such a shame that he has a nice voice
Intonations that leave you no choice
But to follow his lead
Into every misdeed
Such a man makes the devil rejoice
That cockroach was not finger lickin’.
I ate it, and then I was stricken
With a shameful disease.
The waiter’s a sleaze.
He told me it “tastes just like chicken.”
Gustavo elected to baste
With gravy as sticky as paste
The turkey; his salad
Was equally pallid
A shame he’s a chef with no taste
CHIP
If I try to eat fish with one hip
There will be widespread scorn let rip.
The residents know
That it shouldn’t be so
‘Cos I paid without leaving a tip.
RELAXATION THEME
Our town has a railway station.
A place where you’ll find relaxation.
No trains there for years
But no-one sheds tears.
It sells the best pies in the nation.
RANDOM WORDS
In this town there’s a smart voice to hear
Which I always find kind to my ear.
In shame, with great haste
I admit to the taste.
It’s a defect that takes me too near.
Congratulations, Sjaan for being the Anthology Winner!
Darn it Mad I couldn’t get this limerick right. Now it’s right, (Ihope)
He was smart, although not very “swank.”
We “Boomers” are grateful and thank
Mr. “Cartoony” Voice
Who made us rejoice.
What’s his name? Gee I’m drawing a Blanc.
The nerd had invented a chip
His co-workers called him a dip
But his chip took off
Which gave them a cough
Now they’re staying clued to his hip
The drunker tried to relax
But his stomach hunger for snacks
He filled his mouth up
And got the hiccups
Then ended up in the undertaker’s sack
The chef’s food had a horrible taste
The customers though it was spike with lace
It was toss on the floor
As they walked out the door
The chef was left with a shame face
“Maggie May”
Rod Stewart has one awesome voice.
It’s unique, (he’s my number one choice)
He’s smart and so cool.
And Boy! You would drool
If you saw his prestigious Rolls Royce.
The young milkmaid appealed to his taste.
He voiced “Darlin’, yer garter’s unlaced”.
“It’s defective, you see“.
“Let me fix it for thee”.
She’s straight-laced now, – but no longer chaste.
I’m hearing those voices, “Doc” Shock.
They’re following me ’round the block.
It tears me apart
When they say, “You’re not smart,
Where’d you get the idea you’ve a “doc?”
Clear Your Head. Relax And Drift Off To Sleep.
A voice in my head tells me “Sleep.”
Another voice claims, “I must sweep.”
The third ain’t no charm:
“Did you set your alarm?”
Gotta’ find a much better technique.
In the sciences, letters, and arts
She’s a genius, with scores off the charts.
I give voice to this cry:
“She’s much brighter than I!”
I’m ashamed to admit that it smarts.
I always love the Random Word Generators. Here’s one:
I dance and I drink without shame.
For my actions I’m taking no blame.
For at seventy-five
I’m still smart and alive
And a highly sarcastic old dame.
(Triple duty)
He relaxed; on the loo; in a ‘cloud’.
Voicing his punch-lines out loud.
The mic’ switch (on his hip)
Had a defective chip
And Live-streamed his gags to the crowd.
This lim’rik pertains to a rip:
The kind you should do with a grip.
I thought air was free.
And came with no fee
Till I opened a bag for a chip.
CHIP correction
If I try to eat fish with one chip.
………..
Slung my hammock across; tree to tree.
Unwound with good wine, and some Brie.
Gentle breeze in my hair;
Relaxation: right there!
Damn! I need to dash off for a pee.
He tried to relax, but he failed;
So a bowl of the best he inhaled.
He had hoped he would find
That it helped him unwind.
Now his train of thought’s fully derailed.
Intoxicating Wine
“The Holidays”, (state my wife Joyce)
Are the times we devoutly give voice
To our Savior, who’s graced
Us with love we can taste
And to go to the mall of our choice.”
Mad: this replaces previous version at Aug 29. 7.43pm.
(Triple duty)
He relaxed; on the loo; in a ‘cloud’.
Voicing his punch-lines out loud.
The mic’-pack (on his hip)
Had a defective chip
Which live-streamed his gags to the crowd.
My boyfriend would plead and beseech:
We relax, at a (public) nude beach.
He found a nice spot
And just lazed, while I got
Lots of sand where the sun doesn’t reach.
There once was a bellhop named Chip
Who was helping a guest with her grip.
And I don’t mean her bag,
But her grasp. Then their shag
Meant that SHE was receiving the tip.
From her job she’d been recently axed;
Her anxiety level was maxed.
So she went on a trip,
Where she met handsome Chip.
The result: she’s extremely relaxed.
My darlin’ I’ve bought a sex whip.
When I use it, you’re sure gonna’ flip!”
“Oh Johnny! That rocks!
But you must wash your socks.
And that is my bargaining chip.”
Each time a new shrink wants to chip,
Away at my ego and strip,
It down to the nub,
I tell the dumb schlub,
“I’ll call when I’m back from my trip.”
Shameless Spud, buying Tuber a drink,
Asked her thoughts about growing up pink.
Although not very smart,
She tried quoting Descartes:
“I’m a yam, therefore I do not think.”
Hi, Lisi. Thanks for the congrats! And thanks for all the laughs
I get each week from reading your limericks. Your rhymes really
rock! (too much alliteration?)
Change to 8/26/22 12:33 pm entry.
Many cookies in stores are a trip,
And most I would just as soon skip.
Homemade are the best.
There is no contest.
But the best, of the best – chocolate chip.
1967 “Some Things Just Don’t Work Out”
Joined the Peace Corps, and what a cool trip
To Asia, I sure loved the ship.
But went back to Long Island
For a fancy hair style and
A manicure, known as “no-chip.”
La Bris
It was time for my Ari’s snip snip.
He tasted red wine on his lip.
SO SMART AT ONE WEEK!
Ari really could speak.
And requested a “memory chip.”
Something tells me that Peace Corps Volunteers weren’t transported on a “Luxury Cruise” (LOL) I changed the limerick.
Joined the Peace Corps, not such a great trip
To Asia, where tribes weren’t hip.
So went back to Long Island
For a fancy hair style and
A manicure, known as “No-Chip.”
When my hearing aid fell in the dip,
I munched as I would on a chip.
Then with nary a frown,
I swallowed it down.
Now on photos I’m always “the blip.”
I tried to relax, (what a shock)
In a sauna, suggested by “Doc.”
I’ll never forget
The “Day of the Sweat.”
Hot boxes with rocks sure don’t rock.
Mad, please delete previous version at Aug 31, 10.40am. Thanks.
Sat with Fred for a bite and a sip;
Saw the News Flash (no trivial quip):
CLIMATE: PAST TIPPING POINT!
“There’s no saving the joint, –
We’ll all die!” said Fred, “…..wanna chip?”
A variation of my “chip” limerick of Aug. 22 3:59 pm
I’m off the old block a big chip?
Nay, not even a splinter or strip!
How can I explain?
I’m a sparkling champagne .
My dad at his best is a drip.
A pun, a very palpable pun.
Nureyev was smart. He defected.
At the Kirov he had been neglected,
Because he’d decline
To toe Soviet’s line.
His toe work they’d always suspected.
Distressed and depressed and up tight?
Unable to function at night?
I can’t be distincter —
Relax that tight sphincter
And surely you’ll soon get it right..
“I prefer, when I’m taking my ease,
That I not be disturbed, if you please.
What I do when alone
In my ‘man-only’ zone
Is protected by laws and decrees.”
Watching toons my daughter let slip,
That she could tell Dale from Chip,
“Chip’s nose is tiny,
Black and quite shiny
And Dale’s is red, in each clip.”
My belated congratulations to you, Sjaan. I’m sure you will enjoy your book. I recall that I, too, read a book once.
Rudy
A pirate whose name was Blackbart.
Tried relaxing to cure a bad heart.
He soon fell asleep,
Counting black sheep,
And his ship, on a rock, fell apart.
Hoping the rhyming slang ref in L5 is as well
known in the US as in GB and elsewhere.
Though very easy to figure out.
Summer drive: Peshawar to the Tiber.
She was keen to go (no need to bribe ’er).
But He died in the sun
When She played with his gun,
And then fired just one shot: up the Khyber!
**********
From Mad:
It’s the first I’ve heard of that expression, but as you say, it’s easy to figure out.
The Keto Hostess With The Mostess
“Would anyone like a Kale Chip?
They’re delish with my Keto-Style Dip!”
All the company heaves
From the smoldering leaves.
(As my brother would say, “What A Gyp!”)
Better
“Would anyone like a Kale Chip?
They’re delish with my Keto-Style Dip”
Ev’ry single guest heaves
From the smoldering leaves.
And in unison, cry, “What A Gyp!”
He swallowed a silicon chip
That migrated straight to his hip;
He’s now a cool chipster,
A solid-state hipster,
With 5G and great broad-band zip.
Relaxation: Man’s Best Friend
After work, I can’t wait to see Judd.
He’s my Pit Bull and very best “Bud”
Judd is sweet and he’s kind.
And he helps me unwind.
After snugg’ling, I wash off the blood.
I was told there would be pie and lattes.
It’s outside but with plenty of potties.
I thought a short stroll.
To relax was my goal.
When I got there it was just Pilates.
Relax, go play golf, Hubby dear.
It’s the very best way you can clear
Your mind; don’t forget
To take your whole set,
And put on your ludicrous gear.
I love smoking. I buy 20 packs
a day; you should see my neat stacks.
And now underground,
I still have them around.
It’s a wonderful way to relax.
Office rules were not rigid, but lax
And to keep it real loose we wore slacks…
We all work to Plan A
Same old thing, different day
Per the Plan of the Day, just re-lax…
On a cruise to the Sea of Sargasso
We relaxed reading poems by Tasso.
Just Pablo and I
We saw eye to eye.
It was I who inspired Picasso.
I’ve a friend — a true skeptic — named Louie,
Who, when folks voice their views hollers, “Phooey!
There is something askew —
I can smell it, I do!”
Which is why he won’t taste ratatouille.
Hi, Rudy. Thanks for the congrats. I’m dying to know which book you
read. Maybe “A Punderful Life: a fun collection of….” well, you-know-what.
Flew to Tully (quick holiday spree)
Forgot ‘twas Wet-season (dumb me).
But it poured and looked bleak
Only twice (in our week)
Once for four days, then once more for three.
A Detailed Plot Of “The Exorcist” In Only 5 Lines! (Randoms)
A guttural voice had Ms. Blair.
Did you notice her real messy hair?
It’s a shame that she wasted
The pea soup she tasted.
But the devil explained “wash and wear.”
I’m perusing a book by Camus.
Some have said it’s a smart thing to dus.
It’s all writ in Francais.
I’ve been reading all dais.
It’s a shame I can’t get to page tus.
See also (and much better!) “Creative Misspellings” in Michael
Croland’s THERE ONCE WAS A LIMERICK ANTHOLOGY. Fun book!
Thanks, Mad. (I’ll try not to ignore Spell Check TOO often).
**************
From Mad Kane:
I’m glad you found Michael Croland’s book inspiring … I think. LOL!
‘Bought my headstone and plot for ‘post-fate’
(That final relaxation date).
Don’t ask me “Where is it?”
I won’t need your visit,
“Not You again!”’s engraved on the plate.
Fake News! “The War Of The Worlds” Orson Wells, 10/30/38
The voice heard throughout the U.S.
Caused lis’ners alarming distress.
They all were persuaded
That Martians invaded.
The smart ones took “Venus Express”
“I hear scary voices, dear John”
“Oh, go back to sleep! Will ‘ya Dawn!
I can’t stand your delusions
‘Bout fictitous intrusions.”
(The next morning, their smart phones were gone)
“Always Marry For Money”
“This tart gives me short-winded breath.
It tastes like you’ve spiked it with meth.”
“Gee, my ex “hubbies” loved it
And shamefully shoved it
In their mouths, and were tickled to death.”
“It’s a shame you’re not eating today.
Have a miniscule taste, then go play”
“Mom, I can’t stand those curds.
Give them all to the birds.
And I break out in pimples to whey.”
Line 5: “to” is the wrong word (upper limerick)
“It’s a shame you’re not eating today.
Have a miniscule taste, then go play.”
“Mom, I can’t stand those curds.
Give them all to the birds.
And I break out in pimples from whey.”
Ode to Lisi
Limericksheimers, a defective choice
When we can’t recall that inner voice:
“Writing lim’ricks is tough
50 should be enough…”
When this lim’rick-off’s done we’ll rejoice!
**************
From Mad Kane:
For the record, limericks that insult other Limerick-Offers are automatically disqualified from winning any award.
Bad start to the day: cuts his chin
And lip shaving, (so painful to grin).
Then slips on a chip
While crossing the strip
And takes lots of skin off his shin.
So he hobbles his way across town
With a less painful (comf’table?) frown,
And looks up from the well
Into which he just fell
At his briefcase, – still on its way down!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAD!
Relax (How will you dress?).
A casual suit’s ok to wear
To a backyard occasion (seems fair).
And a formal suit’s fine
When, with posh friends, you dine.
But your Birthday suit? Always that stare!
*********
From Mad Kane:
LOL! And thanks so much for the birthday limerick!
You’re gorgeous and rich for a start.
You like music and own some great art.
But please do not frown,
If I turn you down.
It’s sad, but you’re simply not smart.
Since my dog is so smart, it’s no wonder,
She barks, “Roof!” ev’ry time she hears thunder.
I share her perspective.
When weather’s defective,
It’s not something we ought to be under.
This lim’rick may not be adored,
But still, it might get a reward.
Though in brilliance it lacks,
It did help me relax;
And I’ll get the “Rachmones Award”.
Oops, I left out the second “random word” in my Sept. 10th, 11:17 pm limerick.
Please ignore that one.
Rudy
You’re gorgeous and rich for a start.
You like music and own some great art.
But please do not frown,
If I turn you down.
It’s a shame, but you’re simply not smart.
Some misjudge compliment’ry intent
It’s a shame when it’s missed what was meant
Somewhat ‘smart’ yet absurd
How one ‘takes’ written word
Some reactions unjustly hellbent…
********
From Mad Kane:
Oh really? Lisi and I know exactly what you meant!
You, my dear sir, are FULL OF IT!
Relaxing is hard nowadays;
There’s bad news in so many ways.
One answer, I guess,
For relief from the stress:
Go down where a jackrabbit stays.
Said Doc Yoda “Relaxed, you must keep,
If benefits of rest you would reap”.
His eyes; wise and kind,
Are sedating my mind
As in feel myself drift off to slee… . . .
Oops! Typo: L5 As I feel
Said Doc Yoda “Relaxed, you must keep,
If benefits of rest you would reap”.
His eyes; wise and kind,
Are sedating my mind
As I feel myself drift off to slee… . . .
Reposing out there in the sun,
Nude beaches put cares on the run.
A naturist tip:
Choose to lie on one hip;
You might end up toasting a bun.
“A Streetcar Named New Joisey”
How dare you imply that my voice
Reveals I don’t own a Rolls Royce!
I have such a smart mind.
Can’t you tell I’m refined?
In the theater, I’ve played Blanche DuBoyce.
That dancer was born with a chip;
It shows when she’s starting to strip.
Her manager scoffs
At concern when she doffs;
Proclaiming “I just let ‘er rip.”
No Yackin’
My Mail-Order Bride is defective.
Yet, perfect, as per my perspective.
She arrived with no voice,
Which made me rejoice.
Since that was my very objective.
Had the longest day; phones rang and rang.
Haven’t eaten, now hunger pains pang;
As do memos, to go
Meet my wife at (dud) show.
I’ve just drunk their bar. Ying & Yang.
I say caviar is not to my taste.
To buy it’s a shame and a waste.
How do I fill my belly?
Peanut butter and jelly!
And no fish species need be erased.
Chilling naked in freshly cut hay,
When the baler encroached on our day.
It strung us up tight;
Spat us out, – what a sight.
All the scarecrows have just run away.
That platter held nary a chip;
The same could be said for the dip.
Our guests had all gone,
But one moment lived on:
When everyone winced at my quip.
Not meaning to shock when I said
“We’re having a hard time in bed.”
Our mattress – it sags;
Now on Facebook their gags
Have phrases like “came to a head…”
I’ll apologise here at the start
For this verse won’t appeal to your heart.
So banal, it’s a shame
But I’ll shoulder the blame
‘Cos it’s not rude, nor funny, nor smart!
Chip
There was a rich man ready to equip,
Himself and his wife with many a chip.
Sexually sprawled,
He had them installed,
But he felt he could barely move his hip.
Chip
There was a rich man ready to equip,
Himself and his wife with many a chip.
Sexually sprawled,
He had them installed,
But he felt he could barely move his hip.
I’m losing my voice John, and fearing
A vocal cord sprain will be nearing.
What a shame I can’t sing
“It Happens Each Spring.”
And when will you stop all that cheering?
“It Happens Each Spring” (Schunthorpe District Teachers Centre)
Relaxation! No need to think twice,
About writing a lim’rick that’s “Nice!”.
Now I feel like a dunce;
Cuz I only thought once
And got nothin’, so this must suffice.
Variations on themes about “Chip”
Have exhausted my penchant to quip.
From Computers; Golf shot;
Spuds; Donations, – the lot,
There’s nothing left, – zilch, nada, zip.
My number four molar did chip;
When I tried with my teeth to unzip
Her tight fitting slacks,
And she gave me some whacks.
I’m now sporting a stiff upper lip.
Sjaan VandenBroeder
I’ve just noticed the link at the very top here, about you being awarded the book. Congratulations to you Sjaan! very well deserved. I enjoy reading others’ limericks here, but yours especially. I’ve now added the book to my Christmas list (for me of course!). Again well done, and thanks for the laughs.
Congrats, your a hundred and one.
Relax, and enjoy the warm sun.
I saw you on telly
Celebrating with jelly
Did I mention your fly was undone?
The World’s first Bad Back Club’s in our town
For folk who can’t stand, or sit down.
They relax there, and float
In a beautiful moat,
Where most find relief, – but some drown.
Relaxation
My new net hammock came in the mail.
(A present from “sweetie pie” Gail.)
I jumped it; felt a snatch
Then I heard, “What a catch!
Hey Mommy! I just caught a whale.”
OOPS! Line 3 says “it” which is wrong. It’s supposed to be “in”
My new net hammock came in the mail.
(A present from “sweetie pie” Gail.)
I jumped in; felt a snatch.
Then I heard, “What a catch!
Hey, Mommy! I just caught a whale!”
(Relaxation Theme)
A clever young fellow, Tom Pax,
Invented a plug made of flax,
So ladies who’re bleeding
And such things are needing
Can simply insert and relax.
A clever young fellow, Tim Pax,
Invented a dildo of wax,
So spinsters of breeding,
Who pleasure are needing,
Can insert, explode, and relax.
Attention All Limerick-Off Procrastinators: The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
One day, lost in the forest, mad Max,
Banged away at the trees to relax.
Did that quiet his id?
No, it seems all it did,
Was to make the guy scream for an axe.
Hi, Terry. Thanks for the shout out. In Croland’s anthol., he quotes
Langford Reed’s def. of a a limerick as “a short story in miniature,”
which reminds me of your own approach to this genre. I enjoy your tales!
Relaxation
“Hello, I’m your “garbage exec.”
This job is sure killin’ my neck.
Think I’ll rest for a spell
Until I feel well.
Put my feet up and smell all the dreck.”
A Limerick That Is Actually True: Relaxation
Writing lim’riks is how I de-stress.
Who cares if my house is a mess?
I don’t cook; I don’t clean.
Ain’t got no routine.
Except for the keys that I press.
Redecorating For Relaxation
Writing lim’riks is all that I do.
I chill out and unwind through and through.
But I don’t want to burst,
Cuz that sure is the worst.
So my laptop is now in the loo.
Sitting pretty; so sweet and so smart.
Upper crust; with appeal to his heart.
But he found (in his haste)
That lack of good taste
That you get with a cheap, store-bought tart.
The Prince; back from war, is soon told,
Of Rapunzel’s long tresses of gold,
In his dreams he caresses
Those tresses; de-stresses.
Buys her dresses of silk; bright and bold.
Then he tracks down Rapunzel in town
With a old GPS (and a frown).
After taking an hour
To locate her tower,
Finds her hair is a total let-down.
For double duty:
“On your shoulder, you have such a chip;
C’mon Donald, you’re being a drip!
Relax, have a gummy;
Get naked, you dummy!
My parties,” said Stormy, “are hip.”
“I’ll bet you can’t eat just one chip;
To the bag you’ll make many a trip,”
Said Bert Lahr. “Yes, with Lay’s,
Say goodbye to the days
When your dresses and pants you could zip.”
An old centipede tried to compete,
In a race at a Limerick meet.
He got off (being smart)
To a very good start.
It’s a shame he tripped over his feet.
Nicaragua was home to a contra
Who’d find peace by reciting a mantra.
And then came the fun,
For he’d mounted a gun
On the top of his Hyundai Elantra.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun Limerick-Off, which is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 500. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Mind.