Since Wordsmith’s “Word of the Day” today is “Hotheaded,” I decided to use it in a limerick:
A hotheaded fellow named Hugh
Was irked by a huge check-out queue.
To disperse the long line
He yelled “Gun!” — the damn swine.
He wears stripes now; “lines” up the wazoo!
You’re worn out; you should put on the brakes.
At the laptop, you’re getting the shakes.
Text has vanished! It’s KEY!
There’s a fix: “Control-Z.”
(I just wish it cured NON-tech mistakes.)
A mother-to-be gave a shiver.
Her whole body was soon all-aquiver.
She sobbed: “As predicted,
My diet’s restricted.
Doc told me it’s time to de-liver.”
As I mentioned previously, Michael Croland, the editor of “There Once Was A Limerick Anthology,” offered me one free copy to give away to one of my Limerick-Off award winners.
And I’m pleased to announce that the winner of a copy of “There Once Was A Limerick Anthology” is Sjaan VandenBroeder. (She is a very clever limerick writer and a frequent Limerick-Off Award winner.)
Congratulations to Sjaan, and thanks again to Michael Croland! I’m betting his book will prove to be a delightful read!
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CHIP at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to RELAXATION, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best RELAXATION-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest: DEFECT, SMART, VOICE, SHAME, TASTE.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on September 18, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, September 17, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my CHIP-rhyme limerick:
A fellow who thought he was hip
And who bragged he’d invented a chip,
Would attempt to act cool,
But look like a fool;
Telltale chip-crumbs bespeckled his lip.
Here’s my RELAXATION-themed limerick:
A man was attempting to chill,
But his debt worries made him feel ill.
And all of his tries
To relax were unwise
Cuz they further inflated his bill.
And here is my RANDOM WORDS GENERATOR limerick:
With podcasts I’m highly selective;
Something witty and smart’s my objective.
Plus I must clear my choice
With my ears. If the voice
Is high-pitched, it’s, alas, deemed “defective.”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
An imprudent old glutton called Jake
Ate his way through a hundred ounce steak
And a bucket of fries
Of extravagant size.
They served salad, that’s all, at his wake.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special BARS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A triangle player called Lars
Was cornered by three police cars.
Since that car chase from hell,
He now lives in a cell
Where he rests, counting time through the bars.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: SHOP, RUN, NEWS, WARNING, FIRST.
When I opened a Mom and Pop Shop,
First my Ma thought it over-the-top.
But then she — never mirthless —
Said, “Frankly, I’m worthless,
But we’ll ask a good price for your Pop.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Johnston, Terry Marter, Tim James, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Brian Allgar, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Michael Moulton, Steve Benko, Jean McEwen, Gail White, Lydia Porter a/k/a Cabbie Monaco, and John Davison. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRIPLE DUTY DIVISION: STAKE/STEAK/MISTAKE-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BAR-THEMED LIMERICKS and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Steve Johnston:
The warning at first was bad news:
All wine shops might run out of booze.
So much was at stake,
That I rushed out to slake
My thirst at some bars with some brews.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (STEAK or STAKE or MISTAKE-RHYME DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
I pre-ordered our meal by the lake,
But the restaurant staff need a shake:
Asked for fillet (by phone);
What I got was T-bone.
Now the bone of contention’s my steak!
Tim James:
A gal named Marie Antoinette
Didn’t grasp just how bad things could get.
With her noggin at stake
She cried, “Let them eat cake!”
’Twas an outburst she came to regret.
Lisi Nortman:
This Haiku-Off’s a real piece of cake.
It’s so easy I have to partake:
“Soft rain, winsome day,
The unfolding of May.”
(I think I just made a mistake.)
Brian Allgar:
The Donald decided to take
All the classified docs, as his stake.
If he ran out of cash,
He could sell the whole stash
To his very good buddy, the Sheikh.
Rudy Landesman:
In Paris I spent all my dough
On a painting by Señor Miró.
But I made a mistake;
Didn’t know ’twas a fake.
They spoke French when they said that it’s “faux.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Warning signs say I’m old; I feel cursed.
Yet my mem’ry is not at its worst.
In fact now when I make
Any kind of mistake,
I can honestly claim it’s my first.
Lisi Nortman:
If your shoulders feel tight and they ache,
You should try the same treatments I take.
The needles are small
And they don’t hurt at all,
If you like being jabbed with a stake.
Mike Moulton:
When Pericles, once a young rake,
Solved a riddle his life was at stake:
It regarded a king,
Whose incestuous fling
Was more than the poor prince could take.
Steve Benko:
“Go ahead, through my heart drive that stake,”
Sneered the Count; “It’s so cheap it will break.”
Van Helsing replied,
“There’s no need to be snide,
And it’s daytime — how come you’re awake?”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BARS-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
At “Senior Life,” wow, we’ve come far:
Our strip shows are wild and bizarre!
We have sex ev’ry night
Till the dawn’s early light.
In our showers, there’s even a bar.
Rudy Landesman:
Diabetics, and this I do know,
Should cut out all sugar. And so,
Goodbye candy bars!
And this really scars —
My sweet sugar daddy must go.
Tim James:
An impulsive young fellow named Lars
Had a yen for fast women and cars.
He’d no money, the schlub,
So he held up a pub.
Now he’ll spend three to five behind bars.
Terry Marter:
Couldn’t sleep (I’d tried counting the stars.)
Music worked ’cause it drowned-out the cars.
But I woke with a start
When, before the best part,
It just stopped, – after thirty one bars.
Lisi Nortman:
“We are no longer called “Pub McGee.”
Sorry patrons, the news is that we
Have lost our permit.
All the bartenders quit,
And our new name is “BYOB.”
Jean McEwen:
To hear sad-sacks and hapless bums croon,
The best place is your local saloon.
For a moderate cost
You yourself can get sauced
And then belt out your own maudlin tune.
Gail White:
All the cool writers hang out in bars
With the painters and big movie stars,
But I and my friends
When the night’s drinking ends
Sit in subways and strum our guitars.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Mad is looking around for a pun;
Geez, I hope I can come up with one…
“Guy walks into a bar,
Breaks his nose — hardy har!”
Ah, voila! Now my day’s work is done.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION — “SHOP, RUN, NEWS, WARNING, FIRST”)
Lisi Nortman:
“I’m your hostess, and please be aware:
In our ‘First Class’ you’ll get special care.
I have warned those in “coach”
That each snack has a roach,
And they all have to pee at O’Hare.”
Tim James:
See us first when you want to buy weed!
Ours is best, as you’ll gladly concede.
If you want to get high,
My fine missus and I
Run the mom-and-pop pot shop you need.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
On the news we’re warned, “Carry a mask”
And a gun, in case shopping’s your task.
But for me the best way,
To keep worries at bay,
Is, quite simply, to carry a flask.
Lydia Porter a/k/a Cabbie Monaco:
When I was a kid I drank pop
That I bought from the local sweet-shop.
Back home I would run
’Cos I thought it was fun
When the fizz popped the cap off the top.
Lisi Nortman:
“Oh, Mom I have wonderful news!
I’ll never again sing the blues.
I hit a home run,
And the other team won.
But ours was the FIRST one to lose.”
John Davison:
If I buy too much stuff in the shop,
There’s a risk that some items I’ll drop;
As I’m frequently cursed,
The eggs will fall first,
Then I’ll sheepishly ask for a mop.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I’ve lost facts that my brain has mislaid,
Let run dry, or repressed, or made fade.
So it seems kind of lame,
That it still stores the name
Of the teacher I had in first grade.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
The lim’ricks I’m likely to pick
As winners grab on to me quick.
I get kicks when they’re punny
And clever and funny
Skillful wordplay will oft do the trick.
I suspect that this book, There Once Was a Limerick Anthology, will prove to be a very interesting and fun read. And its editor, Michael Croland, has offered me one free copy to give away to one of my Limerick-Offers. To be eligible, you must be one of the winners of the current Limerick-Off and reside in one of the lower 48 US states.
Here are the two current Limerick-Off entry links:
Primary Limerick-Off Entry Link
and here:
Facebook Limerick-Off Entry Link.
The deadline to enter the current Limerick-Off is August 20, 2022.
Sometimes, when I play with a new-to-me word, I get a bit silly:
“What color’s your purse?” asked a nurse.
“A deep purple?” The answer: “It’s ‘perse!’”
“Yes, I know. But what shade
Is your pocketbook’s suede?”
“I said ‘perse!’” (Plus a colorful curse.)
“I’ve been faithful! You’ve NOT been deceived,”
Said a gal to her spouse. “I’m aggrieved
And can’t handle your doubts,
Accusations, and shouts!”
“Don’t worry! I’ll soon be bereaved.”
When a gal switched her major to art,
Her parents’ responses were tart:
“Paying bills is a bitch,
So you’d best marry rich.”
“Are you planning to clerk at the mart?”
“Someone messed with this boot lace,” said Bree.
“So my free skate went badly. You see?
I am sure it was done
By the woman who ‘won,’
But it looks like that bitch will skate free.”
When students are told to play scales,
You’re likely to hear lots of wails;
Scales are boring as hell,
But to ever play well
They’re a must! (Also trim your damn nails!)
Have you heard? There’s a pickleball craze.
Some folks even play nude, getting rays
Sans so much as a bonnet.
I happen upon it?
I’m surely averting my gaze.
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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