Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PLATE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: July 23, 2022)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using PLATE at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write CRAFT-themed limericks using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CRAFT-related limerick.

And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of these Random Words anywhere in your limericks: COMPLAINT CELL FORBID QUIRKY BOIL.

(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random words and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives into adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on July 24, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, July 23, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my PLATE-rhyme limerick:

A slacker was caught as he ate,
By the boss, who was rather irate.
His response, when reproved
For blown deadlines? Unmoved:
“Not my fault! I’ve too much on my plate.”

And here’s my CRAFT-themed limerick:

A ship-wrecked young man on a raft
Felt sev’ral strong wind gusts abaft.
He cursed his bad luck,
His life run amok,
And the death of his rickety craft.

And here is my RANDOM WORDS GENERATOR Limerick:

I’m sick of my cell phone co’s quirks.
Its service employees are jerks.
When I called to complain,
Their response was insane:
“Call again with a cell phone that works.”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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205 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PLATE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: July 23, 2022)”

  1. Lisi Nortman says:

    Biology 101: “Microscopic Organisms”

    “Now students, can anyone tell
    Me, what was the very first cell?”
    (Johnny Jones is real jerky
    His answer was quirky)
    He replied, “It was lonely as hell.”

  2. madkane says:

    IMPORTANT MESSAGE FOR ALL:

    Please note that (throughout the summer, at least) I’ll be posting new Limerick-Offs EVERY FOUR WEEKS. I may possibly revert to posting every two weeks in the fall, depending on the number of Entrants and Entries.

  3. Lisi Nortman says:

    At the “Crafts Competition” , this thug
    Came in first; he was freakish and smug.
    Though my Earthenware plate
    Was flawless and great,
    He won with his Martianware mug.

  4. Richard Campbell says:

    Some say lim’ricks are simple to craft.
    But those folks are decidedly daft.
    It’s so simple to goof,
    And I’ll proffer as proof:
    This last line was my seventeenth draft.

  5. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    In my head there exists a steel plate;
    I’ve forgotten the date of this fate.
    I recall digging in
    To a meal from a tin,
    So it must have been something I ate.

  6. Lisi Nortman says:

    My New Crafty Man Cave

    I’ve designed State String Art for my walls,
    Parsons Tables to fill up my halls.
    Etched glass sets I displayed.
    For my bedroom, I’ve made
    Some magnificent decorative balls.

  7. Lisi Nortman says:

    At the craft show called, “Really Good Pikin'”
    My husband was suddenly stricken.
    He cried, “Hold me back Lil,
    Cuz I’m ready to kill
    That man who just bought a brass chicken.

  8. Lisi Nortman says:

    Oh, what an imposing estate!
    In very good taste, yet ornate.
    We drank wine from Lalique.
    The sterling was chic.
    And each guest had a posh paper plate.

  9. Terry Marter says:

    I’m a new chef, employed by Her Grace,
    She fired me and spat in my face.
    I’d cooked fish for her plate
    And then asked for a date.
    I work dock-side now, (I know my plaice).

  10. Terry Marter says:

    Mad: I THINK (and Hope) that 1, 2, & 5 are proper rhyme: ‘com-Pli-ant’, ‘Cli-ent’, ‘re-Li-ant’.

    (All randoms)
    The complaint, for not being compliant,
    Saw him end up as some lawyer’s client.
    In his cell, he boils jerky;
    Not forbidden, (but quirky).
    At least he’s now more self-reliant.

  11. Steve Benko says:

    “As I basically live just to skate,
    Nancy Kerrigan makes me irate,”
    Said Tonya. “A hammer
    Will get me some glamor;
    I’ll win if she needs a knee plate.”

  12. Steve Benko says:

    Said Stormy, “Great sex is my craft;
    You can have me both ways, fore and aft.”
    For mere seconds he drilled,
    Yet six figures she billed;
    In the end, ’twas her gave him the shaft.

  13. Bob Turvey says:

    Said a lady of titanic weight,
    “I would love for my size to abate
    But whenever I spy
    A large cake then I cry
    ’til it’s handed to me on a plate.”

  14. Bob Turvey says:

    A wild fowler who hated to hunt
    Constructed a life-saving punt
    With springs round the craft
    And an engine down aft
    Little ducks out of danger he’d shunt.

  15. Bob Turvey says:

    Said an actor, “I muffed a few cues,
    Then my stagecraft I started to lose.
    My lines I forgot
    And I messed up the plot –
    I gave up on account of the boos.”

  16. Bob Turvey says:

    My mum thinks that sailors are daft,
    For they journey in very cold craft.
    She says that each boat,
    When it is afloat,
    By necessity has got a draught.

  17. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    A chef who’s both frugal and quirky,
    Has a habit of basting a turkey,
    With his drained motor oil
    (which he brings to a boil),
    Then complains that the gravy is murky.

  18. Steve Benko says:

    As the baserunner dashed for the plate,
    A good throw would determine his fate.
    The catcher, from Perth,
    Tagged him out with great mirth:
    “Welcome home! Got ya, though. G’day, mate.”

  19. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    One Ump — who’s retired of late —
    Finds himself in a curious state:
    He’ll wait in the line
    At a buffet to dine,
    But can’t eat till he’s dusted the plate.

  20. Lisi Nortman says:

    Non-Mitosis sis (I made up that word)

    No use for a complex excision.
    Cuz that would cause widespread derision.
    It never complained.
    (So at rest and contained)
    This cell really sucked at division.

  21. Lisi Nortman says:

    The word should be “WATER”

    There is something that needs to be said:
    An idiom might trigger dread.
    If a “watched pot could boil”,
    It would quickly recoil.
    And God Forbid cremate your head.

  22. Lisi Nortman says:

    Told my students to draw a “plant cell”
    Susie drew a red rose, named Gisele:
    Encased in concrete,
    In the thick boiling heat.
    With a note at the end, “Prison’s hell.”

  23. Steve Benko says:

    He said that his craft was tattoo;
    I asked, “What about piercing?” “That too.”
    So I thought, “I’ll be art!”
    But he let out a fart,
    And I left when what’s next was “Achoo!”

  24. Lisi Nortman says:

    Who Is This?

    Well, who could this famous man be?
    A true genius, yet quirky is he.
    Mama prayed, “God Forbid”
    Didn’t matter; he did.
    Although gone zi veyst all ’bout Soon-Yi.

    Translation of line 5: Although gone she knows all ’bout Soon-Yi.

  25. Richard Campbell says:

    Makes my blood boil — I’ve got a complaint.
    On my cell phone Dad placed a constraint.
    All my use? Now forbid.
    Takes me clear off the grid.
    He’s old fashioned and quirky and quaint.

  26. Rudy Landesman says:

    The Court, I expect, will rescind
    Our God-given right to break wind.
    They’ll forbid all complaints
    And add quirky restraints.
    That’s how stare decisis is skinned.

  27. Lisi Nortman says:

    Good-Bye USA

    Roe v Wade, overturned? God Forbid!
    Those 2 cells in my womb ain’t no kid.
    I’m starting to hurl
    From “cell boy” or “cell girl”
    I’m now on my way to Madrid.

  28. Brian Allgar says:

    The hooker used terms that were quirky:
    Straight sex became “Stuffing the Turkey”;
    A hand-job (how quaint!)
    She called “Portnoy’s Complaint”,
    And a blow-job she sold as “Beef Jerky”.

  29. Terry Marter says:

    An old river-boat hand, bored with steaming,
    Thought he’d ‘hot-up’ his craft (with some scheming).
    It shot from the dock
    Like a jet-propelled rock,
    With both whistles and passengers screaming.

  30. Terry Marter says:

    The valuer stared at my art
    In such Awe that I feared for his heart.
    “No price is enough
    for this masterful stuff”
    I said “Cost me ten bucks at Walmart”

  31. Terry Marter says:

    He smiled as he sipped his fine tea.
    He said my work looks like Dali.
    I sensed he was skeptic,
    then learned he’s dyslexic
    And meant to say “looks like Al-di”.

  32. Terry Marter says:

    Art-and-Craft show I saw, was a wank!
    It was judged by his friend from the bank.
    His “Pink-bottled Fart”
    won Ephemeral Art,
    It was not only rigged but it stank!

  33. Steve Benko says:

    “If you leave any food on your plate,
    You will suffer a terrible fate,”
    Said the parents. “Okay,”
    The boy answered, “But hey,
    As to sins, did you know I’m not straight?”

  34. Jean McEwen says:

    If your period, this month, is late,
    We’ll concede: You’ve a lot on your plate.
    Because face it: We’ve ruled
    You’ve no rights! Had you fooled!
    (We Supremes have decided your fate.)

  35. Jean McEwen says:

    Humble potters so oft get the shaft
    From rude prig-snots who trash as mere “craft”
    The fine works they create
    As not “art” (second rate).
    (But the wise know such snobs are just daft.)

  36. Jean McEwen says:

    Ghislaine Maxwell now sits her cell,
    Insisting she’s really unwell.
    She complains of her plight–
    Says her treatment’s not right.
    But her victims say: Keep her in hell!

  37. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m here at “Creations” and grabbing
    My needles and yarn, I’m not crabbing.
    Cause I’m toeing the line.
    I will see the sun shine.
    Cause knitting prevents me from stabbing.

  38. Dave Johnson says:

    A porn actor looked at his plate;
    “I’m sorry, not feeling too great.”
    The waiter complied
    Then remarked on the side:
    “It must have been someone he ate”.

  39. Dave Johnson says:

    My boat is a wonderful craft;
    She’s really a beaut – fore and aft.
    When asked about size
    By the sailing club guys,
    “It’s a kayak” I said – then they laughed!

  40. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    In the hope that her passions might roil,
    Glover covered his lover in oil.
    Though he missed quirky spots,
    Sure to give her the hots,
    Still, he managed to give her a boil.

  41. Dave Johnson says:

    We sat there and watched as he ate
    Amounts that could alter his fate.
    That volume of food;
    One can only conclude
    He had way too much on his plate.

  42. Lisi Nortman says:

    Last week, I was avidly looking
    For something to do, except cooking.
    Then I found a new craft
    (Not dotty nor daft)
    It’s something called “Creative Hooking.”

  43. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Out To Dinner’

    Gee Jasper, this food is so great.
    C’mon, eat some, you’re losin’ some weight.”
    “See Maude, I can’t chew
    Don’t know what to do.
    I think I just swallowed my plate.

  44. Rudy Landesman says:

    I can not remember the date,
    That I purchased my Rosenthal plate;
    But in ol’ Carolina
    I had rice on that china,
    And even Chow Mein tasted great.

  45. Bob Turvey says:

    There was a young fellow named Bunn
    Who was shot in the head with a gun.
    A large metal plate
    Caused the pain to abate
    And made airport security fun.

  46. Mike Moulton says:

    The Queen bless her heart was irate
    When she saw Emsley’s portrait of Kate,
    With the paint hardly dry
    She let out a cry,
    “I’ll have that man’s head on a plate!”

  47. Tim James says:

    They were snogging the night of their date.
    He reached first base, then second, then straight
    On to third, and then more:
    He attempted to score…
    …And was blocked and tagged out at the plate.

  48. Paul Haebig says:

    With Walter, all meal times are “ish.”
    His food, though it’s always delish,
    arrives on your plate
    after quite a long wait,
    much later than when you would wish.

  49. Lisi Nortman says:

    Had a boil, and it hurt me like hell.
    It got worse after seeing Doc. Smell.
    Lost his license, cuz he
    Never had a degree.
    But he lets you chit-chat on your cell.

  50. Rudy Landesman says:

    Yo Clarence, you’ve done it now, bro.
    With craft you revisited Roe.
    Yet you still kept the right
    To a wife who is white.
    That’s miscegenation, you know.

  51. Paul Haebig says:

    I find that I’m putting on weight
    From all the desserts that I ate.
    I’m getting quite round
    Gaining pound after pound
    From not leaving a crumb on my plate.

  52. Lisi Nortman says:

    While driving, I saw something funny.
    Must tell you about it, my Honey:
    A white license plate
    Which clearly did state
    “Please hit me cuz I need the money”

  53. Dane Paulsen says:

    Carving models – a difficult craft.
    Wanted to cry, but just laughed.
    Lost a firm grip.
    My chisel then slipped,
    And turned sailing ship, into a raft.

  54. Lisi Nortman says:

    My Sweetie, you never will guess.
    While driving on Palin Express,
    A weird license plate
    From Ye Ole’ Lone Star State
    Said, “Whatever Trump Wants Answer’s “Yes”

  55. Dane Paulsen says:

    In a chest they found pieces of eight,
    And divided (equal portion per mate).
    With gold in their hand
    They tried to sell, and
    Found it was just a gold plate.

  56. Dane Paulsen says:

    Slight modification.

    In a chest they found pieces-of-eight,
    And split (equal portion per mate).
    With gold in their hand
    Tried to sell, and
    Found it was just a gold plate.

  57. Dane Paulsen says:

    Should have no complaint, shouldn’t dwell.
    She is quirky (yes) but, what a bombshell.
    So here is my foil,
    What makes my blood boil.
    They forbid me to enter her cell.

  58. Lisi Nortman says:

    When building a space craft, the goal
    Is to use quintessential control.
    Be sure it will not
    Have one tiny spot
    Or a cosmic gargantuan hole.

  59. Paul Haebig says:

    I know it’s a little bit quirky
    but I like to make soup from beef jerky!
    Just saute it in oil,
    bring the pot to a boil,
    and it’s done when the broth isn’t murky.

  60. Paul Haebig says:

    He managed in prison quite well
    and soon learned to cope in his cell.
    Some things they forbid
    and those things he hid
    but just where I would rather not tell.

  61. Lisi Nortman says:

    I gave Grandma Nonnie a hug.
    Cuz for Christmas, she gave me a rug.
    It shows thick golden chains.
    It’s woven with skeins.
    And the tag says, “Handcrafted by Thug”

  62. Rudy Landesman says:

    Our American tectonic plate,
    Moves and shifts at a leisurely rate.
    But some day in the future
    It’ll need a vast suture,
    But by then it’s most likely too late.

  63. Don Lee says:

    The batter slouched at the plate
    His belly he had to abate
    Having just finished a big meal
    His chance to run and steal
    A base or two was not his fate

  64. Lisi Nortman says:

    The Plot of The Garden of Eden and Cain and Abel In 5 Lines

    I forbade you, the fruit I can smell.
    On mountain peaks you must now dwell.
    I won’t hear one complaint.
    You showed no restraint.
    And there’s talk ’bout a fertilized cell.

  65. Lisi Nortman says:

    Ladies, welcome to “Crafting Event”
    I need your united assent.
    The law is, “Be wise
    When you’re buying supplies,
    Never tell “hubby” what you just spent.”

  66. Steve Benko says:

    “What is new-fangled thing you call ‘plate’?
    This not be how our ancestors ate,”
    Complained Oog. “In Stone Age
    Making mess is the rage!”
    Sighed his wife, “On my nerves cavemen grate.”

  67. Lisi Nortman says:

    The life of a “senior’s” not great.
    Those damn blood tests sure make me irate.
    Then there’s “angiograms”
    And rectal exams.
    And that’s only Monday’s full plate.

  68. Lisi Nortman says:

    Earthquakes! The movement of tectonic plates

    If you’re on the couch reading a tome,
    Reconsider! You might like to roam!
    If you live near a “plate”
    Now that’s something great!
    You can travel, while sitting at home.

  69. Lisi Nortman says:

    In the “Land of the Honey and Oil”
    The bitter herbs started to spoil.
    No one heard snide complaints
    From the 12 hungry saints.
    Who relished “The Last Crawfish Boil”

    (aka “Plan B”)

  70. Terry Marter says:

    You Earthlings have sealed your own fate
    You have failed to step up to the plate
    We’re removing your planet
    You’re not fit to Man it
    We’ll contact you soon re’ the date.

    You’ve had too many Fails; quite a spate.
    Now you’ve run out of time, we can’t wait:
    You were pencilled for Sunday
    But you’re good until Monday, –
    We’re running a little bit late.

  71. Terry Marter says:

    He said “Here she comes, – striking fear
    Into hearts of men who venture near.
    Your potential next date?
    Not with Your date-craft mate”.
    I said “Watch and learn friend, – hold my beer!”

  72. Lisi Nortman says:

    Homemade Christmas Decorations: Discussion

    “I’ll be knitting a star by myself
    To place on the shelf with the elf.
    Whatcha thinking, my dear?
    Did I not make that clear?”
    “Sue, now I know we have a shelf”

  73. Terry Marter says:

    Let’s do something, I’ve got boredom blues.
    I don’t care what it is, so you choose.
    We could rock and gyrate
    Or just graze with a plate.
    I’m thinking the (p)latter, – with booze!

  74. Rudy Landesman says:

    She keeps buzzing, annoying as hell,
    And should promptly be put in a cell.
    She makes people recoil
    And brings blood to a boil —
    Peter Pan’s noisy friend Tinker Bell.

  75. Tony Holmes says:

    “When a man with grey hair on his pate,
    Dates a girl half his age, he tempts fate.
    The lascivious fool
    Will stand out like a tool;
    He’s got far – far – too much on his plate.”

  76. Tony Holmes says:

    “When a man whose grey hairs fringe his pate,
    Dates a girl half his age, he tempts fate.
    The lascivious fool
    Will stand out like a tool;
    He’s got far – far – too much on his plate.”

  77. Lisi Nortman says:

    Forbidden to sit where you choose,
    Gave this legend much more than the blues.
    A short time in a cell.
    She’d persist and rebel.
    Rosa Parks, you’re our spirited Muse.

  78. Ryan Tilley says:

    There once was a mean poet named Brad
    Who believed that the moon was quite bad.
    As a noun or a verb,
    A bad habit to curb.
    He is under a full moon, rabid mad!

  79. Steve Benko says:

    “You’re all wrong! I outdid Watergate!”
    Shouted Donald, while smashing a plate.
    “And my ketchup I’ll smear
    On the wall, so next year
    Biden knows that I still lie in wait!”

  80. Terry Marter says:

    My head suffered a terrible fate,
    There is now a steel patch on my pate.
    So my friend bought for me,
    A fine wig; said “It’s free”
    It was handed to me on a plate.

  81. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    A gal with a braid long and straight,
    Who desired a twist more ornate,
    Dressed her tresses with bling
    (a new wave, quirky thing),
    Then complained, “I’ve too much on my plait!”

  82. Tim James says:

    Said a crafty investor named Schmidt
    (Who had dabbled in crypto a bit):
    “It’s the ol’ pump-and-dump —
    Last guy in is a chump —
    But for now it’s still semi-legit.”

  83. Terry Marter says:

    Mad, please delete my July 1 version. Thanks for the heads-up re the hyphen.

    My first time in church; saw a plate
    Filled with coins come my way, – I took eight.
    I gave God his due praise
    But, (to coin an old phrase)
    I was collared (ruffed-up), by God’s mate.

    Merriam Webster: Ruff 1. a large round collar of pleated muslin or linen worn by men and women of the late 16th and early 17th centuries.

  84. Lisi Nortman says:

    An Artists Craft

    Photographers like Uncle Nate
    Perform magic, because they’re so great.
    No one ever forgot
    His most famous shot
    Called “The Tower Of Pisa Up Straight”

  85. A lady went on a blind date
    With her girlfriend’s boyfriend and mate
    He was handsome and charming
    But she found it alarming
    After dinner he licked off her plate

  86. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m 90, and feel so alone.
    Haven’t heard from my dear sister, Joan.
    Yes, I know it’s called “cell”
    She can still go to hell.
    God forbid, she could pick up a phone?

  87. Dane Paulsen says:

    To invest in this market this late.
    One likely has sealed their fate.
    Unless nimble and sly,
    With a discerning eye,
    Will be handed their head on a plate.

  88. Dane Paulsen says:

    Viking ships, very fast and low draft.
    Those that opposed it were daft.
    Its design very smart.
    State of the art,
    For an early-stage, Middle Age craft.

  89. Dane Paulsen says:

    Small modification to June 29, 12:52.

    Should have no complaint, shouldn’t dwell.
    She is quirky as hell but a bombshell.
    So here is my foil,
    What makes my blood boil.
    They forbid me to enter her cell.

  90. Lisi Nortman says:

    I pity those “had no clue” souls
    Who’ve just been apprised of their roles.
    They didn’t know they
    Would be searching all day
    For interesting pine cones and bowls.

  91. Dave Johnson says:

    A quirky young staffer named Bill
    Is cell-happy chasing a thrill.
    The person he phones
    Is someone who owns
    That thigh gap he’s hoping to fill.

  92. Dave Johnson says:

    The dining room person would state
    That President Trump was irate.
    She already knew
    By the ketchup that flew
    Along with the porcelain plate.

  93. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Interior Decorator For The Rich And Famous”

    The motif I designed very well
    Is a smash with my rich clientele.
    Haven’t heard one complaint.
    And I’ve named it, “The Quaint
    Martha Stewart Traditional Cell”

    (crafts and randoms)

  94. Terry Marter says:

    On the cruise ship, a veritable raft
    Of fine food, celebrating the craft.
    I’ll over-indulge;
    My stomach will bulge
    With appreciative ‘burps’ fore n aft.

  95. Tim James says:

    Penny glared at the “food” on her plate.
    “Are you trying to make me lose weight?”
    She inquired of her guy.
    “That’s not fit for a sty!
    As a drain cleaner, though, it’s first rate.”

    Harry knew he’d been properly chaffed.
    “I guess cooking’s beyond me!” he laughed.
    He escaped Penny’s glare
    When he learned to prepare
    Macaroni and cheese made by Kraft.

  96. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    There are those who would never complain,
    Should the Other Guy’s future domain,
    Be a place with a lock —
    One small cell in a block —
    An apt tribute, perhaps, to his brain.

  97. Rudy Landesman says:

    His secret he never will tell.
    He belongs to a terrorist cell.
    It was always his dream
    To hear people scream.
    And seeing some blood would be swell.

  98. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Pure and pious was Pete as a kid —
    Never sinned like the other boys did.
    So he had no complaint,
    On becoming a Saint,
    And enjoyed saying, “Heaven forbid!”

  99. Dane Paulsen says:

    The preferred watercraft that I own.
    Is a kayak, but let it be known.
    There is part that’s not fun,
    At the end of the run.
    Climbing out of the boat on my own.

  100. Lisi Nortman says:

    As a senior, I love to complain.
    When I do, I have something to gain.
    Though it may sound real quirky,
    Or terribly jerky.
    It’s so joyful to brag ’bout my pain.

  101. Steve Benko says:

    Said the pirate, “These pieces of eight
    I’ll melt down and make jewels of gold plate.
    With such junk and fake pearls,
    Hardy har! Ditzy girls
    Blow me down at the end of a date.”

  102. Dave Johnson says:

    I’m not really one to complain,
    But cell phones may drive me insane.
    Unusable apps
    And connections that lapse;
    My land line’s a must to retain.

  103. Lisi Nortman says:

    Cooking Class 101

    “Cooking students, this isn’t a joke.
    When your boiled egg is done, do not poke!
    From the water, just take it.
    God forbid, do not shake it!
    Or you’ll wind up with famed “micro yolk.”

  104. “I’ve too much work on my plate ,
    So I’ll have to stay and work late ”
    Whined the Bosses son Billy.
    He was such a nilly.
    To the rescue came brown nose Nate.

  105. Terry Marter says:

    The avant garde “Chaotic Sonic”
    Is a work I would call “Cacophonic”.
    Ill-crafted; devolving;
    Dischords; unresolving.
    My ears are in need of a tonic.

  106. Terry Marter says:

    The waitress I wanted to date,
    Tripped and fell in my lap (it was fate)
    “You saved me!” she said,
    The first thought in my head?
    “She’s been handed to me on a plate”.

  107. Lisi Nortman says:

    A cop pulled me over, (oh swell)
    He was real boiling mad, I could tell.
    I was shooting the breeze.
    I said, “Officer, please
    Wait one minute, I’m still on my cell”

  108. Lisi Nortman says:

    Correction of Above Limerick

    There’s a cop right behind me, (oh, hell)
    He looks boiling mad, I can tell.
    I’m shooting the breeze.
    I’ll say, “Officer, please
    Wait one minute, I’m still on my cell”

  109. Rudy Landesman says:

    Boris Johnson resigned. Let’s complain.
    He might very well even deign
    To return to New York
    (Where first brought by the stork)
    And try, God forbid, here to reign.

    (Johnson was born in NY)

  110. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    A comedical poet of note,
    On the subject of lim’ricks once wrote:
    “Call it craft, call it art,
    Me, I don’t give a fart.
    Do whichever it is floats your boat.”

  111. Lisi Nortman says:

    Using witchcraft is no longer fun.
    I promised myself that I’m done!
    No more casting love spells
    In those sleazy motels.
    Doesn’t work; the men see me and run.

  112. Tim James says:

    My complaint is: my gal has a quirk.
    It’s her mood; it can change with a jerk.
    She transitions with ease
    From a boil to a freeze.
    Keeping up is a whole lot of work!

  113. Lisi Nortman says:

    Since this morning I’ve tried to create
    A line that will finish with “plate”
    I’m so sad; got no clue.
    Hey! Look up at line two!
    Guess that’s cheating, but Boy! It feels great.

  114. Terry Marter says:

    I write art-and-craft news with my pen,
    But also ‘suspense’ yarns like: When,
    Only moments from death,
    With her very last breath
    She said “I know who killed him” and then….

  115. Steve Benko says:

    When the movers had left, every plate
    Was found broken inside of the crate.
    Said the two with a smile,
    “Insurance we’ll file,
    And claims we know how to inflate!”

  116. Dane Paulsen says:

    He lives in a place that’s quite hilly.
    His complaint, “uphill peddling,” said Billy.
    When it’s hot and it’s boiling,
    God forbid, he’s still toiling.
    Bought an E-bike and now it seems silly.

  117. Lisi Nortman says:

    The Famous “Dish Night”

    Grandma sat through some movies she’d hate.
    Cuz that night she’d own something so great.
    Granny never would fret.
    At the end she would get.
    An extravagant Fiesta Plate.

  118. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’ve been told my my “art-farty” wife,
    “When I’m “crafting”, I never feel strife.
    Though this may sound bizarre,
    All my craft projects are
    Just like lim’riks, a whole way of life”

  119. Lisi Nortman says:

    Keep quiet, do not tell another
    Darn soul which includes my weird brother.
    “Hubby’s” cells must be quirky.
    I gave birth to a jerky
    Kid who looks just like his mother.

  120. Lisi Nortman says:

    Modification of Above Limerick To Be Nicer :)

    Keep quiet, do not tell another
    Darn soul, which includes my weird brother.
    “Hubby’s” cells must be quirky.
    Cuz my kids have been jerky.
    And now, they look just like his mother.

  121. Byron Miller says:

    OH, THE INDIGNITY
    Used to know an old man with a plate
    That came loose any time that he ate,
    But they soon solved the problem
    With warm runny pablum,
    Tube-fed through the nose by his mate.

  122. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mama’s Rules 1966

    Get married and then have a kid.
    Not the other way ’round, God forbid.
    Then boil and then broil.
    Also labor and toil
    (On reflection, don’t do what I did)

  123. Mark Totterdell says:

    At the trendy new place where we ate,
    Food was served on a board, or a slate,
    Or a piece of rare vinyl,
    Or old cracked urinal,
    Or anything else but a plate.

  124. Byron Miller says:

    The amount he had piled on his plate,
    Made some “all you can eat” guests irate.
    Once his meal had been tabled
    Chit chat was disabled:
    His dinner had hidden his date.

  125. Lisi Nortman says:

    Sewing Craft

    I fell, got a gash in my head.
    Just couldn’t believe how it bled!
    From right down the road
    The E.M.T.’s showed.
    And fixed it with needles and thread.

  126. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Hi Lisi. Grandma’s “Dish Night” serves up old memories.

    Only time I saw Mama irate?
    During “Gas Wars” — Nineteen fifty-eight.
    Dad would top off his truck,
    For well under a buck,
    But he’d always forget the free plate.

  127. Lisi Nortman says:

    My Daughter’s Getting Married

    At my girl’s wedding, boy I was stewed!
    My wife said, “You’re rude and your crude”
    50 dollars a plate!
    (An exorbitant rate)
    And that was without any food!

  128. Rudy Landesman says:

    He’s as busy as ten swarms of bees,
    But often in private agrees,
    That with time on your plate
    Hibernation is great;
    And nothing to do’s the bee’s knees.

  129. Steve Benko says:

    “We think women do witchcraft in Salem,”
    Said the mayor. “We find ’em and nail ’em.”
    The Supreme Court rejoined,
    “Women’s rights we’ve purloined!”
    And a mullah just shrugged, “Here, we veil ’em.”

  130. Dane Paulsen says:

    He flew in an old bi-winged aircraft.
    At airshows (some thought he was daft).
    When he walked on the wing,
    Legs flexed (like a spring).
    To ride out the next sudden downdraft.

  131. Lisi Nortman says:

    Crafty Wife

    Dragged my “hub” to the “Handicraft Mart”
    He used to think he was real smart.
    But I’ve casted a spell
    There’s no way he can tell.
    Now he’s smiling and pushing a cart.

  132. There once was a man who had ate
    so much he inhaled his own plate!
    When he went to the loo
    to perform number two,
    both bowel and porc’lain met ill fate.

  133. There once was a man who had ate
    so much he consumed his own plate!
    When he went to the loo
    to perform number two,
    both bowel and porc’lain met ill fate.

  134. Dane Paulsen says:

    The geologist thought it was fate
    The moves of a tectonic plate.
    To him it was clear,
    What he did fear,
    An earthquake at some future date.

  135. Dane Paulsen says:

    The geologist thought it was late,
    The moves of a tectonic plate.
    It decided with pace
    To get out of this place,
    In a few million years (at this rate).

  136. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    A young damsel, distressed and dismayed,
    By a knight whose religion forbade,
    Quirky forms of coition
    (‘Twas his Mission’s position),
    Disliked kneeling for naught, so she prayed.

  137. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Crafty witches have sent forth a text:
    It reads, “Yoo-hoo, you’re gonna be next.
    Just because you avoid,
    Thinking you’re paranoid,
    Doesn’t mean that you haven’t been hexed!”

  138. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Not tonight, I forbid you, my dear.
    To be honest, your breath smells like beer.
    I don’t mean to complain.
    We will have sex again.
    One time, ev’ry single leap year.”

  139. Terry Marter says:

    Two strippers, called Florence and Jo,
    Used a warm-water hose in their show.
    I was told (when I paid),
    “Choose one and get laid”.
    I said I’d just go with the Flo(w).

  140. Dane Paulsen says:

    Carving models takes time to dispatch.
    It’s fun, oh but here is the catch.
    When tapping off chips,
    And your chisel, it slips.
    You’ll end up then starting from scratch.

  141. Terry Marter says:

    I reiterate my lim’-craft advice:
    A repeated device won’t suffice
    If you tautologise,
    Try once more, re-devise,
    and say ‘Sorry’ at least once, -or twice.

  142. Rudy Landesman says:

    I sought help from a clown of renown.
    “My jokes”, I said, “make people frown.”
    He said, “Nobody laughed?
    Your should first hone your craft.
    And then you must dumb your jokes down.”

  143. Steve Benko says:

    If you’re life’s throwing pots, Demi Moore
    And the ghost must have lots of allure.
    The wheel spins, things get hazy;
    Here comes Patrick Swayze!
    Alas, though, you’ll always be poor.

  144. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    An old hitchhiker vowed to his chums,
    “I’m through begging free rides — it’s for bums!”
    Then he made a wheeled cart,
    But the thing fell apart,
    For, alas, the poor guy was all thumbs.

  145. Terry Marter says:

    The eye-surgeon’s craft’s out of sight,
    Though his dyslexic quirk’s a slight blight:
    The cataract man
    Fixed his catamaran, –
    “It’s an eyesore I need to put right”.

  146. Lisi Nortman says:

    Gee, sometimes I felt like a jerk
    When at work, in the closet I’d lurk.
    To read nail-biting thrillers
    ‘Bout boiling-mad killers
    By the author I love, Matthew Quirk.

  147. Lisi Nortman says:

    Sing Along With Frank Sinatra

    I don’t think that witchcraft’s taboo.
    Cuz Baby, I’m stirred up by you.
    You’re one real sexy witch
    (By the way, I am rich)
    I’m Ol’ Blue Eyes from Traffic’s A Zoo.

  148. Lisi Nortman says:

    Just One More New Jersey Memory: Sing Along With Frank Sinatra

    I don’t think that “Witchcraft’s” taboo.
    Cuz Baby, I’m stirred up by you.
    You’re one sexy witch.
    (By the way, I am rich)
    I’m Ol’ Blue Eyes from Taxes Are Due.

    He is famous for singing “Witchcraft” (“strictly taboo” etc.)

  149. Lisi Nortman says:

    Rochester New York, USA “Hard To Believe But True”

    Baked beans, some “red hots” we both ate.
    Then fries with a sauce that was great.
    Also chicken and steak.
    Yep! that’s what they make.
    For Rochester’s famed “Garbage Plate”

    There’s still more on that VERY SAME plate!
    Macaroni and sausage to sate.
    Tasty burgers, of course.
    We ate like a horse.
    (Cut the cheese all night long to deflate)

  150. madkane says:

    Lisi, I spent a couple of years (eons ago) studying at Eastman in Rochester NY. Fortunately, I never encountered “Garbage Plate.”

  151. Rudy Landesman says:

    Typo time again. In line 4 (July 12 at 8:51 pm)

    I sought help from a clown of renown.
    “My jokes”, I said, “make people frown.”
    He said, “Nobody laughed?
    You should first hone your craft.
    And then you must dumb your jokes down

  152. Lisi Nortman says:

    Correcting Meter Error From July 13th. at 1:16 PM

    Although quiet, I felt like a jerk.
    When at work, in the closet I’d lurk.
    To read nail-biting thrillers
    ‘Bout boiling mad killers.
    By the author I love, Matthew Quirk.

  153. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad
    I just saw your post.
    You mean you didn’t go to “Nick Tahou Hots for fine dining? (LOL)

    **********

    From Mad:

    Lucky for me (I’m guessing) I never heard of it. I had no idea that was a real thing. Sounds just dreadful!

  154. Daisy ward says:

    I had way too much on my plate
    from a quirky and ungrateful date
    She expressed I was cheap
    And called me a creep
    Then went searching for a brand-new mate

  155. Daisy ward says:

    I searched for another craft
    Each time I was given the shaft
    Got family to help
    Make me a nice belt
    But it looked like a twisted-up raft

  156. Dane Paulsen says:

    The market’s quite volatile that’s plain,
    But I am not one to complain.
    I hedge when uncoiling.
    Add long before boiling,
    Looking forward to future stock gains.

  157. Terry Marter says:

    I gaze at the stars from my awning.
    Quiet-time, – yet ideas are not dawning.
    ‘should be crafting so fine
    A tautology line, –
    But it’s 7AM in the morning.

  158. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Soon after the family ate,
    Their pup, who’d been lying in wait,
    In spite of the censures,
    Went after Gramps dentures,
    Determined to lick ev’ry plate.

  159. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Oops. I apostrophize for the apology: The dentures should be “Gramp’s”

  160. Steve Benko says:

    Sighed the fisherman tying a fly,
    “I keep doing this craft – don’t know why.
    At ShopRite, no doubt
    I could pick up a trout
    And in minutes be ready to fry.”

  161. Lisi Nortman says:

    Who Is This?

    He could make his way out of a cell.
    How he did it, nobody could tell.
    Some called him a “quirk”
    Due to envy, they’d smirk.
    “H” crafted a virtual spell.

  162. Rudy Landesman says:

    When Ataturk ruled all of Turkey,
    You guessed it, his tenure was quirky.
    I’m not slinging mud.
    He shed lots of blood.
    As always, the history’s murky.

  163. Rudy Landesman says:

    Rhyme corrected for line 3 and 4.

    When Ataturk ruled all of Turkey,
    You guessed it, his tenure was quirky.
    I’m not slinging mud.
    He shed lots of blood.
    As always, the history’s murky.

  164. Rudy Landesman says:

    Hi Mad,
    Computer glitch.
    The version of the “Ataturk” limerick i sent a few days ago did not post. And after tinkering with it, it posted twice.
    Sorry,
    Rudy

  165. Steve Johnston says:

    There wasn’t much room for debate,
    And I dared not repudiate.
    At mealtime each day,
    My old man would say,
    “You’ll sit there til you clean your plate.

  166. Steve Johnston says:

    A clumsy young fellow named Tate,
    Broke his skull while learning to skate.
    And now he must deal,
    With a saucer of steel
    In his head he calls his pate plate.

  167. Paul Flowerdew says:

    The snake, says the bible, had craft
    Could speak, even though that sounds daft
    With Balaam, alas
    God spake through his ass
    And I laughed and I laughed and I laughed

  168. Steve Johnston says:

    In his cell they forbid pastel paint,
    But the artsy con curbs his complaint.
    His blood’s at a boil,
    Yet he will not roil,
    He’s quirky, but a whiner he ain’t.

  169. Steve Johnston says:

    When they heard my warning they laughed,
    You silly twit, you must be daft.
    There’s no need to panic,
    We’re on the Titanic,
    No iceberg can threaten this craft.

  170. Terry Marter says:

    Mad, please delete my July 16. 8.28pm. Thanks.

    ‘Pre-selected my stone for ‘post-fate’.
    It is simple and plain (not ornate).
    Don’t ignore my explicit,
    I don’t need your visit,
    “Not You again” is stamped on the plate.

  171. Terry Marter says:

    Sorry Mad, please also delete July 13. 11.26am. Thanks.

    The eye-surgeon’s craft’s out of sight,
    Though his dyslexic quirk’s a slight blight:
    The cataract man
    Fixed his catamaran, –
    “ ‘twas an eyesore I had to put right”.

  172. Terry Marter says:

    I’ve been conned to perform, with my mate,
    At a festival show that I hate.
    Charts are in the wrong clef,
    It’s a ‘Fete worse than deaf!’
    With an outcome I can’t contemplate.

  173. Lisi Nortman says:

    Recent medical findings to date
    Show “Pathways” to maintaining weight:
    With your mate you may eat
    Any rich choc’late treat.
    Just as long as it’s still on his plate.

  174. Lisi Nortman says:

    And To Be Politically Correct

    Recent medical findings to date
    Show “Pathways” to maintaining weight.
    With your wife you may eat
    Any rich choc’late treat.
    Just as long as it’s still on her plate.

  175. Rudy Landesman says:

    My blood pressure’s up. Won’t complain.
    So what’s an occasional pain?
    I’m elderly-ish,
    Still I do have one wish.
    Yo Alzheimer! Lay off my brain!

  176. Dane Paulsen says:

    Hear about flying saucers of late?
    The larger ones must be a plate.
    These aliens know
    The advantage of micro.
    Each of them must be a flyweight.

  177. Dane Paulsen says:

    A word change to last entry.

    Hear about flying saucers of late?
    The larger ones must be a plate.
    These aliens know
    The advantage of micro.
    Each of them likely a flyweight.

  178. Terry Marter says:

    In the lane-way, the art-n-craft gallery
    Is a ‘front’ for the hot hooker (Valerie).
    It’s well known: ‘Backstreet Vally’
    Lures men up her alley;
    They’re the real source of Valerie’s salary.

  179. Lisi Nortman says:

    My skin cells go through a transition.
    They die at fixed repetition.
    But I’m so boiling man.
    And will never be glad
    That my fat cells don’t follow tradition.

  180. Lisi Nortman says:

    The teacher was chastising Gert:
    “I forbid you to wear that short skirt.
    Go home, girl, you’re bad.”
    Gert was so boiling mad.
    She returned in a transparent shirt.

  181. Rudy Landesman says:

    The dinner that last night I ate
    Was served on a plain paper plate,
    But a pint of their draught
    Was brewed with great craft;
    And I managed to drink only eight.

  182. Terry Marter says:

    “Let’s try camp-craft!” friends said. We consented.
    We all slept a tent that they’d rented.
    A Huge thunderclap;
    An Involunt’ry crap:
    Our rent tent was Not heaven-scented.

    (Amid lightning and thunder
    The tent rent asunder)

  183. Terry Marter says:

    Sorry Mad (again). Just realised that L1 & L5 don’t rhyme (JULY 19. 7.27PM).
    Please replace with this version. Thanks.

    “Let’s try camp-craft!” friends said. We relented.
    We all slept in a tent that they’d rented.
    A Huge thunderclap;
    An involunt’ry crap:
    Our rent tent was Not heaven-scented.

    (Amid lightning and thunder
    The tent rent asunder)

  184. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    To my Craftsman-style house came a “crafter,”
    Paid to tear down a rotted old rafter.
    I asked, “Load-bearing wall?”
    He said, “Too soon to call.
    But no worries — I’ll let you know after.”

  185. Lisi Nortman says:

    One day, when the weather was balmy
    I met by sweet honeybun, Tommy.
    Who taught “Deli Art”
    And captured my heart.
    With his grand “Origami Salami.”

  186. Lisi Nortman says:

    Correction of line one, above limerick

    One day, when the weather was balmy,
    I met my sweet honeybun, Tommy.
    Who taught “Deli Art”
    And captured my heart
    With his grand “Origami Salami”

  187. Larz says:

    A horny old geezer named Nate
    Was licking a lassie called Kate.
    She came with such vigour,
    He cried out, “Damn liquor!
    I think I just swallowed my plate!”

    Said boiling young lassie, “No fear,
    Your licking’s quite quirky my dear.
    I so love your lickin’
    In places forbidden,
    I’m sure that your plate’s up my rear.”

    Thought crafty old geezer, “That’s fate.”
    “When I kiss tonight with my mate,
    She will never conceive
    Where it was on this eve
    And never know why it tastes great.”

  188. Lisi Nortman says:

    Who’s on first, and he’s doin’ real great.
    What’s on second, a champ, and first rate.
    In left field is “Why”
    He catches them high.
    And Nobody runs to home plate.

    (I think Nobody was on third)

  189. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m sorry. That one was not good, due to quotes on “Why” which didn’t belong, and repetition of the word, “first” Correction:

    Who’s on first, and he’s doin’ real great.
    What’s on second, (the best in the state.)
    In the left field is Why.
    He sure catches them high.
    And Nobody runs to home plate.

    (I think Nobody was on third)

  190. Rudy Landesman says:

    The draftees were all standing in line.
    They were fit as a fiddle, those nine.
    I, myself, had used craft
    To avoid that damn draft
    I told them that I had no spine.

  191. Terry Marter says:

    2 randoms (and a quirk?).

    He gets word in his cell (on home soil), –
    His exub’rance, now starting to boil:
    The proud father to be
    Is in Brooklyn (you see)
    And yells out to the world “It’s a Goil!”

  192. Trevor Alexander says:

    In a chat with my long-time best mate
    Who’d a penchant for putting on weight
    I confided I felt
    That he’d be rather svelte
    If he ate from a much smaller plate

  193. Rudy Landesman says:

    Get out from your own private cell.
    You’ll find life is a gay* carousel.
    Get on for a ride
    And deep down inside
    You’ll see all that seems quirky is swell.

    *(In the pre-gay era meaning of the word)

  194. Lisi Nortman says:

    Our Beagle is sick, “hub’s” in tears.
    We’ve had him for so many years.
    I transformed his sadness
    To breathtaking gladness
    In the Craftsman wing section at Sears.

  195. Lisi Nortman says:

    I admit it’s been more than 10 years
    That “hubby” and I meshed our gears.
    So starved for affection,
    He tooled up an erection
    In the Craftsman wing section at Sears.

  196. Mike Young says:

    PLATE
    What else can I say about plate?
    It’s part of a process I hate.
    when it’s covered with highly cooked food
    I have to suppress my bad mood
    And with raw eats attend to my sate.

  197. Mike Young says:

    CRAFT THEME
    Limerick writing is really a craft
    Which just can’t be done by the daft.
    Such incompetence makes the Kane madder
    So she feels she must just climb a ladder
    And attack with an extra long haft.

  198. Mike Young says:

    COMPLAINT, CELL, FORBID, QUIRKY, BOIL
    My smart phone is really a cell.
    It’s a fact that i don’t handle well.
    It’s quirky I know
    So I just let it go
    And remember it’s not a deathbell.

  199. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Said the King to the Jester, “Don’t toil,
    Over jokes I forbid you to spoil.
    I have a solution
    For bad execution.
    I’ve decided to boil you in oil.”

  200. Lisi Nortman says:

    Hey! We Get It !!

    My complaint makes most ev’ry one groan.
    We don’t live in “The I’ve No Clue Zone”
    Whether landline or cell,
    It’s uncalled for to tell
    Us, “Now I can’t come to the phone.”

  201. madkane says:

    Attention all Limerick-Off Stragglers: The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.)

  202. Tim James says:

    Revised version

    Penny glared at the “food” on her plate.
    “Are you trying to make me lose weight?”
    She inquired of her guy.
    “That’s not fit for a sty!
    As a drain cleaner, though, it’s first rate.”

    Harry knew he’d been properly chaffed.
    “I guess cooking’s beyond me!” he laughed.
    He escaped Penny’s glare
    When he learned to prepare
    Mac and cheese sold in boxes by Kraft.

  203. Mark Totterdell says:

    Old Noah was not at all daft
    In the way that he loaded his craft,
    Taking trouble to store
    Both the lions to the fore,
    And the zebras and antelopes aft.

  204. Steve Benko says:

    My limerick writing’s a craft;
    I work hard on them, draft after draft.
    One night a bad dream
    Made me wake up and scream;
    At my entries, MadKane hadn’t laughed.

  205. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun Limerick-Off, which is officially over. And the winner is…

    Limerick-Off Award 498. Congratulations to the winners!

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Steak.