Who hasn’t discovered a gap
Where you once had a crown or a cap?
Then you search high and low.
Where the hell did it go?
If you’re lucky, it fell in your lap.
But more likely, it’s gone or destroyed;
Need a new one to fill that damn void.
You’re apparently fucked;
That doc you have ducked
For years must, alas, be employed.
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SHOW at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to TRICKS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best TRICKS-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
FAIL LOUD POP LAWYER SACK
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on June 26, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you four full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, June 25, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my SHOW-rhyme limerick:
Though my recall is poor, I don’t mind,
Cuz forgetting can sometimes be kind:
It might “freshen” a show,
Whose plot I should know
From a book that my mem’ry can’t find.
And here’s my TRICKS-themed limerick:
A magician was stressed out and sick.
He needed a remedy — quick:
“I can’t cancel my show!
It’s sold out — ev’ry row.”
A massage and Bordeaux did the trick.
And here is my RANDOM WORDS GENERATOR Limerick:
A lawyer’s been working non-stop
To defend an old fellow — a cop.
But alas, he has failed,
And the cop is now jailed.
Worst of all, that old cop is his pop.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick. (It’s a Triple-Duty Limerick: WIRE-Rhyming, WATER-Themed, and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick, which uses each of the five designated Random Words: RETIRE, ARROGANT, MISCREANT, SHOES, and THINK.)
I shoe horses all day with my daughter,
An arrogant, miscreant plotter.
“Dad, it’s down to the wire—
I’m ready—retire!”
I think she has led me to water.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the WATER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Terry Marter:
Dodging storms at the ‘Trots’ with her daughter,
Her need for a loo really caught’er.
So she raced her own tush
Past the crowd, to a bush…
But her tush only passed wind and water.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the “RANDOM WORD GENERATOR” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: RETIRE, ARROGANT, MISCREANT, SHOES, THINK.
That old woman who lived in a shoe
Had a miscreant son with her who
Was a heel (damn his sole)
And who couldn’t control
His sharp tongue. With my shoe puns I’m through.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Linda A. C. Fuller, Terry Marter, James Graff, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Steve Dufour, Mark Totterdell, Fred Bortz,
Bob Turvey, Konrad Schwoerke, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dane Paulsen,
David Friedman, Tony Holmes, Doug Harris, and Gail White. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder: (Water-Themed, and Random Word Generator Limerick)
When I wade into streams just to potter,
And then carelessly trample an otter,
What’s my arrogant wish?
It’s to not feel the squish.
So I always wear shoes under water.
Linda A. C. Fuller: (Wire-Rhymed, and Random Word Generator Limerick)
An arrogant miscreant thought
He could sell drugs and never get caught.
But a treacherous buyer
Was wearing a wire;
Now prison’s the reprobate’s lot.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WIRE”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
The soprano just cancelled, it’s dire:
She’s ill and can’t sing with our choir.
We’ll use Tenor Jim Rawls
And hook-up his balls,
Using two-forty Volts and some wire.
James Graff:
If there’s one thing I really admire,
It’s a man who can walk the high wire.
But I’ll watch from below
As he puts on his show…
And pray that he won’t take a flyer.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Seeing birds perched on high in a throng,
Makes me question how things went so wrong:
One bird-brained desire
To sit on a wire,
And the rest of them all strung along?
Brian Allgar:
The Donald was strumming a wire
On a banjo; his playing was dire.
“Hey, I know that you think
As a player I stink,
But I’m great when I’m playing the lyre.”
Tim James:
Said the king to his court: “It’s been said
My queen’s chastity belt has been shed
’Cause my handsome young squire
Picked the lock with a wire.
Now he can’t give no head with no head.”
Steve Dufour:
This world is connected by wire.
Information spreads much like a fire.
But some of it’s fake,
So care we must take;
We mustn’t enable a liar.
Mark Totterdell:
A wire-walker, starting to tire,
Took a tumble while walking the wire,
Which he landed astride
With a leg on each side.
Now soprano’s his part in the choir.
Fred Bortz:
The news on the right-winger’s wire
Turned Jacob to climate denier.
I told him to “can it”
Lest we send our planet
From frying pan into the fire.Alas, he reacts like a sucker
To all that he’s hearing from Tucker.
Jake’s biggest mistake:
“Climate science is fake!”
I lament for that poor m—f—er.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (WATER-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Bob Turvey:
On my bottle it says “It’s still water.”
This annoys me much more that it oughta.
I stare at the label
And think, “Is it able
To change into something like porter?”
Tim James:
There’s this marvelous liquid I’ve found;
It’s called water. Its uses abound!
It cleans me and my clothes,
And it works, I suppose,
As a drink if there’s no booze around.
Konrad Schwoerke:
The new hot tub holds two million liters,
And is warmed by some nuclear heaters,
Plus the water is wetter—
Yes, ev’rything’s better
At the home for old liars and cheaters.
Terry Marter:
I was filming bull sharks (and some blues),
Saw Trump fall overboard from his cruise.
Should’ve phoned 911,
But my ego said “Son, –
Just keep filming, – and then call the news.”
Dane Paulsen:
My golf drive requires a spotter;
My ball always flies towards the water.
I try not to fret,
But my golf shoes get wet.
And the wetter I get, well – the hotter.
Lisi Nortman:
We were finally on the right track.
Couldn’t wait to see dear uncle Jack.
Then I screamed, “Bill, look there!
Something says, “Please Beware!
If this sign’s under water, turn back!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RANDOM WORDS GENERATOR” LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder says:
My pup, Pavlov, hates bones, eschews stews;
He’s conditioned, instead, to eat shoes.
I will cry, “Not the Prada!”
He’ll hear, “Yada yada,”
Thinking, “Where are those new Jimmy Chews?”
David Friedman:
I think you’ll recall, if you choose,
Imelda with all of her shoes
(And her miscreant spouse,
The arrogant louse.)
She’s retired; her son’s now the news.
Tony Holmes:
“I was once in your shoes,” said McGuire.
“Just an arrogant ‘pistol for hire.’
Getting shot made me think,
So, I saw me a shrink,
Who said, ‘Miscreants, too, can retire.’”
Konrad Schwoerke:
If shoes had the power to talk,
I might ask what they thought of a walk.
“Well, we’re likely to groan
Till you lose a few stone…
This is YOUR postulation—don’t gawk!”
Doug Harris:
The arrogant miscreant’s shoes
Were covered in vomit and booze.
We wish he’d retire
And think to aspire
To a long interplanet’ry cruise.
Gail White:
When I noticed a mouse in my bed,
“Retire, you miscreant!” I said,
So it hid in my shoes
Where at present I choose
To support it with small bits of bread.
Mark Totterdell:
He’s an arrogant, miscreant liar,
And we think that his pants are on fire,
He’s so hard to excuse,
From his hair to his shoes.
How we wish our PM would retire!
Terry Marter:
The miscreant’s choice to retire
Was confirmed when he plundered the shire:
Dragged his sack o’er a fence;
Snagged his ‘other’ sac; hence,
His voice is now two octaves higher.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Weird pings have been driving us mad.
We can’t pinpoint the source. This is bad;
Could be any of eight
Nearby doodads. I hate
Laptops, IPads, cells, Echos! Egad!
It’s “Asparagus Day.” I’m no fan,
Though of course I’m not pushing a ban.
Why’s “asparagus” tossed
Mid-line, where it’s lost?
I could NOT make it rhyme right or scan.
Get up early for fishing? I’ll yawn
From the thought of awak’ning by dawn.
At the end of the day,
My choice is “No Way!”
I like rising when sunlight’s all gawn.
An annoying acquaintance loves roe
And dishes all covered in dough.
He’ll eat beef by the herd
And most any old bird,
But he’ll always refuse to eat crow.
A boy was bawled out by the nuns
For his sly use of off-color puns.
But he swore “I’m not punning!”
(The fellow was cunning.)
“Besides baking, just what’s done with buns?”
A would-be attacker named Bill
Is disguised and in black, but lacks skill:
He trips on his way
To assaulting his prey.
Though inept he’s, at least, dressed to kill.
“I’ve a virulent case of the grumps:
When I tried to discard some old pumps,
I got in a clash
Over throwing out trash,
Which explains why I’m down in the dumps.”
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using WIRE at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to WATER, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best WATER-related limerick.
And if all that isn’t enough, I’m adding an EXTRA, EXPERIMENTAL LIMERICK CHALLENGE TODAY! If it works out well, it may become an occasional, or perhaps even a regular Limerick-Off feature:
I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
RETIRE, ARROGANT, MISCREANT, SHOES, THINK.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on May 29, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, May 28, 2022, at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my WIRE-rhyme limerick:
This disbursement is urgent. It’s dire!
If it’s late, there’s no quelling the ire
Of a violent man
With a life-or-death plan.
Send it pronto. It’s down to the wire.
Here’s my WATER-themed limerick:
“The first time I jogged wasn’t fun.
I was parched when I’d barely begun;
I’d forgotten to heed
The “must bring water” creed
So, alas, ’twas a dreadful dry run.”
And here is my own RANDOM WORDS GENERATOR Limerick:
I think that my arrogant boss
Should retire already. No loss
Would be felt by his staff
We would all simply laugh,
Throw a party and roast him with sauce.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny three-verse limerick:
A (young) woman who lived in a shoe
Knew perfectly well what to do:
To fulfill her kids’ needs,
She’d resort to misdeeds —
Petty theft; yes, and shoplifting, too.To ensure that she wouldn’t get caught,
She dissembled far more than she ought;
But she grew so distressed
That, at last, she confessed
To the Chief of Police — who’d have thought?The old Chief looked her over and said,
“You’re both lovely and clever. Let’s wed!
I’ll forgive your… invention.”
She voiced no dissension…
Now she gets his pension. (He’s dead.)
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special INVENTIONS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The invention of Alex Graham Bell
Has devolved so that some users dwell
In its internet pit
Of lies, rancor, and shit.
It is called the Ninth Circle of Cell.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Linda A. C. Fuller, Konrad Schwoerke, Mark Totterdell, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Jean McEwen, Randolph Wagner, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, and Joe Williams. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DEEDS or MISDEEDS”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A tennis pro known for misdeeds,
With an ego that fame often breeds,
Disrespected his sport —
Sowed wild oats on the court!
He’s the worst of some really bad seeds.
Linda A. C. Fuller:
The widow reclined in her weeds,
While savoring former misdeeds:
Her husband she’d killed,
His kidneys she’d grilled,
And then served up with sesame seeds.
Konrad Schwoerke:
I look through the lens of my time
And see much we might now call a crime.
Were they really misdeeds
Or just differing creeds?
I don’t know, but I got it to rhyme.
Mark Totterdell:
He’s the shittiest shit in creation,
Quite the worst of a bad generation,
With a nature that leads
To appalling misdeeds,
So he ended up leading the nation.
Lisi Nortman:
A judge performs critical deeds
According to ethical creeds.
He’s the one who sets bail.
He can send you to jail.
And he asks lots of “how do you pleads?”
Jean McEwen:
I have found that committing misdeeds,
When done artfully, often succeeds.
Those who mindlessly swallow
Rules other folks follow
Just forfeit, alas, their own needs.
Randy Wagner:
The conjugal date that Will made
For last night had been badly misplayed.
As the darkness recedes,
He discovers misdeeds
Were performed on the maid he’d mislaid.
Brian Allgar:
“We’re imposing a no shilly-shally ban,”
Says America’s own home-grown Taliban.
On this vilest of deeds,
The signature reads
“S. Alito,” as monstrous as Caliban.
Tim James:
A real estate fraudster named Leeds
Said, “The greed of my marks suits my needs.
I sold five diff’rent ducks
Tampa swampland, the schmucks!”
Here endeth this tale of fowl deeds.
Tony Holmes:
“On the whole, I am really quite nice.
And am almost a stranger to vice.
Not for me the misdeeds
That true naughtiness breeds.
Just a bit, now and then, to add spice.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (INVENTIONS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
The inventor of Autocorrect
Has died; he deserves our respect,
Cuz he taught us to spell
And he did it so well:
The funnel’s at ate. I have chekked.
Sharon Neeman:
My invention, I’m told, is quite keen:
It bumps pols who are thuggish and mean.
But it knows how to spare
Those with hearts, who do care —
It’s a “Vote Democratic!” machine.
Fred Bortz:
The outcome was nearly the worst.
The inventor believed he was cursed.
All his high hopes were smashed
When his vehicle crashed.
He should have invented brakes first.
Randy Wagner:
Said Bach to young Madam Beauvais,
“Allow me to play, if I may,
A sweet two-part invention.”
(He chose not to mention
‘Twould be contrapuntal foreplay.)
Tim James:
Said a man to be judged by St. Pete:
“Let me pass through these gates, I entreat.
I belong here, it’s clear;
I invented light beer!”
He got sent to The Bad Place, tout de suite.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
She said, “Edison, turn on a light.”
She asked Orville, “You fancy a flight?”
It’s that very same Muse
Some inventors abuse,
Who told Franklin to “Go fly a kite.”
Joe Williams:
I wonder what kind of inventor
Was first to invent a placenta,
And which did decide
It is best when it’s fried,
With a side of delicious polenta.
Konrad Schwoerke:
It was me who invented sham pain.
As an addict, I’d always complain
To the docs in the hope
They’d prescribe me some dope.
I’m just kidding, my drug was cocaine.
Lisi Nortman:
The greatest invention’s a chip,
So I pack some for ev-er-y trip.
The wheel was okay
In many a way.
But it doesn’t pair well with a dip.
Konrad Schwoerke:
The wheel is a wondrous invention,
But the barrel’s my choice for ascension.
There’s its round, bulbous shape,
And a bottom to scrape,
Plus it’s fun due to monkey retention.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
In honor of Limerick Day, I’ve written Defending The Limerick:
Some poets deem lim’ricks inferior,
Claiming THEIR kind of verse is superior.
I suspect they lack wit.
Can they rhyme? Not a bit!
I conclude they have motives ulterior.
Intuition’s a handy device
To ensure you think twice, maybe thrice
Before trusting a heel
With a spiel and a deal.
Heed that instinct, or reel from the price!
(Trust Your Intuition Day falls on May 10.)
Said a smart-ass: “Your lim’rick is marred,
Cuz you’ve used the phrase ‘feathered and tarred,’
And that’s backwards! It’s ‘tarred
And feathered.’” On guard
Against humorless ‘helpers.’ They’re barred!
And to folks who have no sense of humor,
Whether Gen-X or Z or a boomer,
You have lim’rick advice?
Please don’t give it. Think twice;
It’s as welcome as Covid or tumor!
Some drivers don’t signal at all
And will speed right through stop signs. What gall!
Some honk for no reason,
Treat merge-tries like treason,
And, on purpose, drive ME up the wall.
Saw a lovely red bird near an inn.
And that beautiful sight brought a grin
To my face, till the bird
Let loose with a turd
On my tresses — a cardinal sin!
“Bird Day,” celebrated May 4, is one of several bird-related holidays. Other bird holidays include:
National Bird Day (January 5)
Northern Parrots National Cockatiel Day (May 20)
World Parrot Day (May 31)
Frustration’s a puzzling norm
When in word games like Wordle you’re warm:
You need one letter more
And you’re pissed to the core;
You’ve guessed “story” and “stork,” but it’s “storm.”
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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