Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: DEEDS or MISDEEDS) at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: May 14, 2022)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using DEEDS or MISDEEDS at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to INVENTIONS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best INVENTION-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on May 15, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, May 14, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my DEEDS or MISDEEDS-rhyme limerick:
A bomber (uncaught) is aghast:
He’d been certain his freedom would last.
But some fresh cold-case leads
To his evil misdeeds
Mean a trial for a blast from the past.
And here’s my INVENTIONS-themed limerick:
When informed his design was unsound,
An inventor’s distress was profound:
“The unfairness is blatant!
Their bias is patent!
My grinder has broken new ground!”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Coffee Beans, Coffee Grinder Humor, Cold-Case Humor, Competition Limerick, Crime & Punishment Humor, Crime Limerick, Gadget Humor, Gadget Limerick, Grinder Humor, Grinder Limerick, Inventions Humor, Inventions Limerick, Inventors, Law Humor, Law Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Patent Humor, Patent Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Trial Humor, Trial Limerick, Writing Prompts
Shedding tears but still clutching the deeds –
To the gold mine – and clad in her weeds,
Sad her husband had died,
A young man at her side.
(Life goes on – and a widow has needs.)
Sorry, Mad. Careless of me. Would you delete the ‘s after husband, please, save me reposting. (Yes, I shall be more careful from now on.) X
(Variation on an old one)
The chap had invented the wheel,
But his wife found its Achilles’ heel.
“The concept is there,
But you’ve made the thing square;
It needs to be rounder, I feel.”
(A new light on an old film)
With a fortune beyond his own needs,
Mr Deeds gave it all to hayseeds.
But his daughter “turned tricks”
With those newly-rich hicks,
Which is why she was known as “Miss Deeds”.
In old China there lived one T’sai Lun,
And d’you know what he’s said to have done?
He invented paper!
Then said of this caper,
” ‘Twas needed to wrap a jam bun.”
To her doc said the stately Miss Deeds,
“I have unfulfilled female needs.”
The doc gave a glance,
Then took off his pants;
“Iron these ‘til the feeling recedes.”
“I’m a rake and a pirate. Misdeeds
Are my sine qua non. All proceeds
From my ill-gotten gains
Goes on vintage champagnes,
Thus ensuring my raking succeeds.”
“I’m a rake and a pirate. Misdeeds
Are my sine qua non. All proceeds
From my ill-gotten gains
Go on vintage champagnes,
Thus ensuring my raking succeeds.”
Ahem! No comment. (Sorry!)
Though reporting on grievous misdeeds,
Her articles got too few reads.
“First graphs must be bolder,”
The editor told her,
“And don’t ever bury the ledes.”
Babylonians invented the wheel.
And you wonder: “So what’s the big deal?”
Without wheels on your car
You wouldn’t get far
And shopping would be an ordeal.
The outcome was nearly the worst.
The inventor felt he was cursed.
His high hopes were smashed
When his vehicle crashed.
He should have invented brakes first.
Revision
The outcome was nearly the worst.
The inventor believed he was cursed.
His high hopes were smashed
When his vehicle crashed.
He should have invented brakes first.
Indeed, she has needs our Miss Deeds.
Her new passion she ardently feeds.
She’s post-menopause.
Could that be the cause
That pornography’s all that she reads?
The caveman did finally reveal
An invention he thought so ideal
To greatly enhance
The human advance
At long last, he made a square wheel
I truly don’t feel any shame.
I’m just an excitable dame.
I’ve compared my misdeeds
To my paramount needs.
And the number’s exactly the same.
A New Invention
I’ve joined “The Advanced Mommy’s Group”
It’s important to stay in the loop.
There’s a rattle that sings.
And a diaper that dings
Ev’ry time that it senses a poop.
The Judge said, “The number exceeds
Ten thousand, and that’s lots of seeds”‘
‘Twas a furious throng
At “The Case Of The Schlong”
A.K.A. Harvey Weinstein’s misdeeds.
They’re coining new rhyme words for fun,
And Miss Deeds is upset and she’s done.
She didn’t expect
To get disrespect,
But her name was abused with a pun.
A Revision
I truly don’t feel any shame.
I’m just an excitable dame.
I’ve compared my misdeeds
To my unrestrained needs.
And it seems they are one and the same.
Jim invented dog treats, just because
He adored his Chihuahua named Buzz.
And now Jim is gone,
But his mem’ry lives on.
He was such a good boy. Yes he was.
A two-fer, deeds and invention, based on a sad but true story
A Trump insurrectionist pleads
Not guilty of treasonous deeds.
But the video shows
Him delivering blows
To the nose of a guard, which then bleeds.
He claims it was legal dissention
By patriot groups in convention.
But you cannot deny
It was based on a lie,
A malicious, seditious invention.
Despite his repeated denial,
His actions that day were most vile.
He’ll deserve to do time
For committing a crime.
I eagerly wait for the trial.
“My new vibrator,” said Dr. Brown,
“Will eradicate any gal’s frown.
To his pitch she accedes,
Which fulfills all her needs,
So each evening Miss Deeds goes to town.
The World’s Greatest Invention: The Thermos Bottle
The thermos invention’s not new.
I heard that it’s great through and through.
It keeps cold stuff cold.
Or HOT! so I’m told.
But how do it know what to do?
The invention of Q-Tip’s the best
Awesome miracle; I’m so impressed.
You can clean out the goo
From your ears, and then you
Can perform your in-house Covid test.
I know an invention that’s grand –
(Though I think it was really unplanned.)
It’s just five lines long –
Can be sung, like a song –
Let’s give our old verse a big hand!
Moving forward, MTG proceeds
to uncover Dem pedophile deeds.
She calls in Mat Gaetz
and Jayson Boebert, who states
they’re the right men to find any leads!
Repeating with a corrected spelling of dissension.
A two-fer, deeds and invention, based on a sad but true story
A Trump insurrectionist pleads
Not guilty of treasonous deeds.
But the video shows
Him delivering blows
To the nose of a guard, which then bleeds.
He claims it was legal dissension
By patriot groups in convention.
But you cannot deny
It was based on a lie,
A malicious, seditious invention.
Despite his repeated denial,
His actions that day were most vile.
He’ll deserve to do time
For committing a crime.
I eagerly wait for the trial.
Asked to speak at Inventors Convention;
Took his seat there, with some apprehension.
Felt a lump; had a fidget:
His USB widget
Was stuck, in a place I won’t mention.
“The new advert reads: ‘Sporting Ms Deeds.
Entertainment, whatever your needs.
Don’t be coy. By my powers
Minutes drag as though hours.
Testimonial: ‘Ms D’ Exceeds!!’”
One farsighted lech often pleads,
That blurred vision has caused his misdeeds.
When a gal in his car,
Cries, “You’re going too far!”
It’s the stop signs, he claims, he misreads.
The rig anal-ysed my strong fart;
Fed-back samples via nose, to my heart.
I was told the endeavour
Would make me more clever
But it’s only my eyes it made Smart.
The comp’ for a clever invention,
He entered with much apprehension.
He was right to surmise
He would not win the prize
But he Did get an Hon’rable Mention.
No one knows who invented the wheel,
But we know who rhymed “deal” with “ordeal”,
And whose meter is weak,
So please try a small tweak:
Add a pun to increase the appeal.
“The Sumerians?” “Taken up arms.
Some ‘Infringement Of Patent’ alarms.
Wheel invented – – some chap – –
Babylonians.” “Crap!
I’d keep out of it, mate, till it calms.”
Melville’s Bartleby had modern needs;
He loathed copying archaic screeds.
Saying, “I prefer not to,”
In truth, he was hot to
Rewrite all the “forsooths” as “indeeds.”
“No Good Deed Goes Unpunished”
I always assumed that good deeds
Were like sprinkling fortuitous seeds.
Yet when I give support,
I end up in court:
And arrested for scattering weeds.
“Naughty Jael”
I was married to black-hearted Fred.
Forgive me, I wished the man dead.
But remem’bring good deeds,
Based on biblical creeds,
I drove a tent peg through his head.
(Judges 4:21)
Said a man to be judged by St. Pete:
“Let me pass through these gates, I entreat.
I belong here, it’s clear;
I invented light beer!”
He got sent to The Bad Place, tout de suite.
Correction Of Incorrect Grammar In Limerick #35
“No Good Deed Goes Unpunished”
I always thought doing good deeds
Meant sprinkling fortuitous seeds.
Yet when I give support,
I end up in court
Being guilty of “Scattering Weeds”.
Said Bach to young Madam Beauvais,
“If you sit down beside me I’ll play
A sweet two-part invention.”
(He chose not to mention
‘Twould be contrapuntal foreplay.)
Argh! Play & foreplay is a repeat end rhyme! I’ll fix it and resubmit.
OK. I fixed it. Here is my official invention limerick. :)
Said Bach to young Madam Beauvais,
“Allow me to play, if I may,
A sweet two-part invention.”
(He chose not to mention
‘Twould be contrapuntal foreplay.)
“I am grateful for Randy’s invention
I am better informed. (His intention?)
Am I wiser? I fear
I am not – yes, oh, dear –
But at least now I’m paying attention.”
(My thanks for ‘contrapuntal’.)
And, of course, to F. E. Smith. (Lord Birkenhead)
On “Shark Tank” a guy made a pitch,
For a gizmo that fixes a glitch.
Maybe one of those deals
With retractable wheels?
He said that it comes with a hitch.
Having sex with his wife, his misdeed
Was forgetting the K-Y he’d need.
His solution was naughty
(Used WD-40)
And soon after, from marriage was freed.
Adding to Randy’s and Tony’s Point Counterpoint:
Now that Tony has paid due attention,
To Randy’s melodic invention,
Berlin’s “You’re Just in Love,”
Since it fits like a glove,
Deserves mention, at least, by extension.
Damn, blast and rude words!! You’ve pinched my thunder. (Just kidding.)
Sjaan, that was exactly what came into my mind I understood what contrapuntal – lovely word – meant. It’s something I sing all the time, especially when I’m driving. I have to do both parts but in sequence. It loses something, obviously, but I still hear the counterpoint in my head. LOL
That should be, ‘… mind once I understood. ..’
Invention For Lazy Dog Owners
I dote on my new doggie, Piper.
I love her albeit she’s hyper.
But who wants to bend down
All over the town?
Not me! I’ve invented “Dog Diaper”.
Dear Konrad, I’m truly impressed.
With skills of critiquing you’re blessed.
You point out misdeeds.
(Lord knows there are needs.)
We thank you. We’ll now do our best.
Revision of posting on 5/1 2:03 pm
Sumerians invented the wheel.
You wonder: “So what’s the big deal?”
Without wheels on your car
You can’t get very far,
And shopping would bring you to heel.
(Is that better, Konrad? But I won’t sink so low as to add a pun.)
****************
From Mad Kane:
I’m curious, Rudy. Do you dislike ALL puns? Or just BAD puns? (BAD, of course, being in the eye and ear of the beholder.)
While I personally find some puns to be corny, I generally find that puns and other wordplay can add a lot to a limerick.
What An Invention For Only A Dollar!
In the 50’s, my best pal was Stinky.
He stunk, but he never was kinky.
We flipped over a toy
Invented for joy.
(So head over heels with our Slinky)
Mad, I just realised (at May 4, 11.25am) I used Misdeed instead of Misdeeds as the rhyme word. Unfortunately the fix is more problematic (for L5) than simply adding S etc.
The replacement is below. Maybe not as good but at least it’s eligible.
Having sex with his wife; two misdeeds:
Forgetting the K-Y she needs.
And resorting (SO naughty)
To WD-40,
From Marriage he’s freed, he concedes.
“Naughty fellows must own their misdeeds,
To be sure that the new leaf succeeds.
Trials and trib’s are in store
For the chaps who ignore
This injunction, and downfall proceeds.”
Sadly, Rudy, it’s not, but let’s not clutter up this page anymore. Mad has my email address if you want to discuss it further.
Rocky and Bullwinkle: The Limerick
Dudley Do-Right (so-dubbed for his deeds),
Claimed “Compassion” as one of his creeds.
That’s the reason, of course,
Why he named his horse, “Horse” —
So he wouldn’t be saddled with “Steeds.”
As a boy scout, I know what to do.
To the creed, I will always be true.
I perform real good deeds.
That’s why I sow seeds.
And planted a tree in the loo.
For Rudy, Konrad, and Mad
I’ve not jumped on this wagon to haze you,
(‘Ear ye, ‘ear ye, all punsters, I praise you!).
But when all’s said and done,
I’ve invented a pun,
That’s so corny (aw shucks) ’twill a-maize you.
**************
From Mad:
LOL! Very clever!
Don’t join Boy Scouts; it’s really no treat.
I quit with a sense of defeat.
I stopped doing good deeds.
Couldn’t stand all those creeds.
I help people cross half of the street.
Well- known for his utter rapacity
And gross nonexistent sagacity
Ignoring misdeeds,
Donald Trump still proceeds
To flaunt his diminished capacity.
I detect a rhyming error! Try again
Well-known for his utter audacity
And gross nonexistent sagacity
Ignoring misdeeds,
Donald Trump still proceeds
To flaunt his diminished capacity.
You will roux, dearest Sjaan, what you’ve versed.
We shall meat out abuse—you are cursed.
You’ve committed fowl deeds
That no other exceeds.
They’re so offal they must be the wurst.
Wheels; levers; cogs; rods and wire,
Were materials used to inspire
His new-age direction
Of low-tech perfection,
But most just collapsed or caught fire.
My next trip (I’ve dropped by here to mention)
Is to “Limerick Inventions” convention.
From there we will tramp
To a lim’rick boot camp
To learn Puns (I’m told). That’s the in-tent-tion.
My invention, I’m told, is quite keen:
It bumps pols who are thuggish and mean,
But it knows how to spare
Those with hearts, who do care —
It’s a “Vote Democratic!” machine.
She said, “Edison, turn on a light.”
She asked Orville, “You fancy a flight?”
It’s that very same Muse,
Some inventors abuse,
Who told Franklin to “Go fly a kite.”
Note to Konrad: If this Muse rules over puns, we’re in trouble. :)
A (young) woman who lived in a shoe
Knew perfectly well what to do:
To fulfill her kids’ needs,
She’d resort to misdeeds —
Petty theft; yes, and shoplifting, too.
To ensure that she wouldn’t get caught,
She dissembled far more than she ought;
But she grew so distressed
That, at last, she confessed
To the Chief of Police — who’d have thought?
The old Chief looked her over and said,
“You’re both lovely and clever. Let’s wed!
I’ll forgive your… invention.”
She voiced no dissension…
Now she gets his pension. (He’s dead.)
I have found that committing misdeeds,
When done artfully, often succeeds.
Those who mindlessly swallow
Rules other folks follow
Just forfeit, alas, their own needs.
As a luddite; I find innovation,
Frankly irksome – the source of frustration.
Do we really need Siri?
I don’t get the flurry
Of buzz around most tech creation.
My nightgown rode up; I don’t know
Why it wouldn’t stay down far below!
Now I have peace of mind.
I’ve invented a kind
With ten loops, and each one fits a toe.
I’ve created a far-out invention.
It’s known as “The 10 Inch Extension”
I could tell you much more,
But I vowed and I swore.
It’s a subject we nuns never mention.
“Hamlet”
The turkeys and chickens will growl.
They know that real soon they will howl.
Due to grievous misdeeds
Which answer our needs.
In other words, murder most fowl.
The inventor of Autocorrect
Has died, he deserved our respect.
Cuz he taught us to spell,
And he did it so well.
The funal’s at aight; I have chekked.
The inventing, or coining, of words
Isn’t just for linguistical nerds.
With my license (poetic)
My production’s frenetic,
And the rhyming’s so easy—kahjurdz!
What?
Note to Sjaan: Seems she’s probably in charge of neologisms too. :–)
When a fellow has genuine needs,
We’re inclined to forgive his misdeeds:
But they cease to be fine
When he crosses the line
And necessities morph into greeds.
Some inventions are boons to mankind.
The inflatable doll comes to mind.
Worldwide, women are spared
From those men, who impaired,
Need a partner compliant and blind.
If anyone reading this enjoys a fulfilling relationship with an inflatable woman – or man – and feels offended by what I’ve written, please don’t be. It’s not about you, it’s about those other guys – you know th ones I mean.
The invention of woman, mayhap,
Was the flaw in the plan. Had the chap
Been content on his own,
Or invented the clone,
Things might never have gone all to crap.
I’ve just read, “A Year Of Living Dangerously’ and thought I’d give it a try.
“My default is to do derring deeds.
Acts of kindness to those who have needs.
Only fly in the oint’,
It puts snouts out of joint,
For the rich are the source of proceeds.
A Robin Hood limerick.
A Judge performs critical deeds.
According to ethical creeds.
He’s the one who sets bail.
He can send you to jail.
And he asks lots of, “How do you pleads”
Correction of Limerick. Yesterday at 6:18 PM
The inventor of Autocorrect
Has died; he deserved our respect.
Cuz he taught us to spell.
And he did it so well.
The funnel’s at ate, I have checkked.
“We should we measure the man by his deeds.
What he’s saying, too often misleads.
He will say black is white,
Or that wrong must be right,
Or, for downtrodden souls his heart bleeds.”
“For his power of invention succeeds
In convincing the masses he leads,
That, contrary to form,
He can manage the storm,
And they’ll simply ignore his misdeeds.”
A real estate fraudster named Leeds
Said, “The greed of my marks suits my needs.
I sold five diff’rent ducks
Tampa swampland, the schmucks!”
Here endeth this tale of fowl deeds.
Last Will & Testament
“I hereby do proudly bequeath
My soft food to dear cousin Keith.
Who invented extractions
To folk’s satisfactions.
It’s a pity that Keith had no teeth”.
With a Brownie Badge one of her needs,
She wrote, “Took out the garbage. Pulled weeds.”
But her list was impounded,
And soon she was grounded,
For writing up fraudulent deeds.
I wish that someday they’ll invent
A beautiful clone I can rent.
My wife, then of course,
I’d quickly divorce
And that would be money well spent.
A shoebox containing old deeds
Is the house where a mouse couple breeds.
But one day she says: “Stop!
That’s the last one I’ll drop—
No more sex ’cause a woman has needs.”
Dear Rudy, as Tony explained,
There’s no reason for feeling so pained.
There are dolls for the deeds
You equate with your needs;
Thus no woman or lust is restrained.
Here’s hoping that zeugmas aren’t on your no-fly list too.
“On the whole, I am really quite nice.
And am almost a stranger to vice.
Not for me the misdeeds
That true naughtiness breeds.
Just a bit, now and then, to add spice.”
We should measure the man by his deeds.
What he’s saying, too often misleads.
He will say black is white,
Or that wrong must be right,
Or, for downtrodden souls his heart bleeds.
For his power of invention succeeds
In convincing the masses he leads,
That, contrary to form,
He can manage the storm,
And they’ll simply ignore his misdeeds.
Sorry, I had to remove an unnecessary ‘we’.
Very often, the man who succeeds
Has a past that is strewn with misdeeds.
And when these come to light.
Revelation will blight,
And success, once so sure, now recedes.
Our awe at mankind’s ingenuity,
And breadth of our mental acuity,
Is a view that misleads.
It discounts our misdeeds,
And their threat to assured continuity.
What began as a boon now dictates.
A notion begat, well, it procreates.
It begets the next gen’
Which, soon old, ‘gets again.
Why? Inventor gets bored, so he innovates.
What began as a boon now dictates.
And a notion begat, procreates.
It begets the next gen’
Which, soon old, ‘gets again.
Why? Inventor gets bored, so he innovates.
Second line. Still not quite right but the best I can do.
What began as a boon now dictates.
And a notion begat, procreates.
It begets the next gen’
Which, soon old, ‘gets again.
The inventor, now bored, innovates.
Perhaps, Mad, if you’d be so knid, my previous misdeeds could be deleted, please?
A Sumerian smartarse named Pheel,
Claimed that he had invented the wheel:
But the bureaucrats sneered,
“Thou hast not pioneered!”
(Elon Musk must have brokered a deal.)
“I have written a lot on misdeeds;
Somewhat less on emotional needs.
‘You should write what you know,’
Says the dictum, and so
I have followed where verity leads.”
In my circle it now is endemic.
To argue the point’s academic.
And I, too, am absurd.
I’ve invented a word.
I’m in thrall to the latest pundemic.
I did play when I still was a tyke
With a zeugma that I didn’t like.
It did not meet my needs.
It flew at low speeds.
So Konrad. please go take a hike.
A bisexual Rapper became
Reinvented by changing his name.
He decided on “Li’l,”
Because that means he still
Can go both ways while staying the same.
(speaking of figures of speech….)
I wonder why Edward G. Stein
Invented “The Boring Punch Line”
Uncreative was he
And soon you will see
The line that won’t tickle your spine.
“Now” in line 4 is better than “soon” very minor change:
I wonder why Edward G. Stein
Invented “The Boring Punch Line”
Uncreative was he.
And now you will see
The line that won’t tickle your spine.
Will’s conjugal tryst, I’m afraid,
Has been sadly and crudely misplayed.
As the darkness recedes
He discovers misdeeds
Were performed on his maid he’d mislaid.
“We’re imposing a no shilly-shally ban”,
Says America’s own home-grown Taliban.
On this vilest of deeds,
The signature reads
“S. Alito”, as monstrous as Caliban.
A follow-up to Brian’s “Miss Deeds” limerick (May 1, 2022 at 3:46 am):
She was caught helping hicks with their needs.
“But I never took money!” she pleads.
Did those hypocrites care
What is fitting and fair?
Nope, those prigs have committed Miss Deeds.
…and a final note to Konrad. (5/3 1:45 am)
My rhymes may at times slightly teeter.
With historical facts I’m a cheater.
I invent. I distort.
I do it for sport.
But there ain’t nothin’ wrong with my meter.
*************
Note from Mad Kane:
Rudy, while it’s true that you rarely make meter errors, you DID in fact have one in the limerick Konrad was referring to in his 5/3 limerick:
Babylonians is pronounced: ba · buh · LOW · nee · uhns
and your first line was “ba by LO ni ans in VEN ted the WHEEL.”
So after the stressed syllable LO, you had an extra unstressed syllable.
But had you written it to force this pronunciation:
ba by LON yans
it would have worked fine.
(It’s never safe to assume people will instinctively read something the way you WANT them to and compress the word into one with fewer syllables. That’s why when, for instance, I want to compress limerick, I write it as lim’rick.)
It was one of his many misdeeds:
Planting pot after mixing the seeds.
He tried to keep track
Of the strains, but alack!
He ended up lost in the weeds.
Knowing his fair share of misdeeds
A message was sent, saying take heed
He ignored the threat
That he lived to regret
He’s now floating on the Florida Keys
Her nail invention was patent quick
She also had another trick
To paint toes with a bubble
Scrape feet with a scrubble
By using the smallest straw stick
I removed snail shells with a squish.
Racing snails (faster my wish).
I performed these deeds,
To increase their speeds.
But it just made them more sluggish.
Allow me to resubmit my somewhat tweaked misdeeds lim:
The conjugal date that Will made
For last night has been badly misplayed.
As the darkness recedes
He discovers misdeeds
Were performed on his maid he’d mislaid.
Want to write, but your talent is bowling,
Or perhaps, you’ve no skills worth extolling.
Well, with PlagiarezePro™
Any hack, drudge, or schmo
Could become the next Tolstoy or Rowling.
If, the Bermuda triangle.
Had one more corner and angle.
Reinvented you’d see
That it, would now be
Called the Bermuda wreck-tangle.
We all want a life full of cheer.
If life gives you melons, it’s clear.
Some of your misdeeds,
A result of your misreads.
You may be dyslexic, I fear.
The Golden Years
As a “senior” I’m doing okay!
Who cares if my hair is all gray?
I do very good deeds.
Take care of my needs.
And break a new bone ev’ry day.
Hi Mad,
I appreciate your taking the time to explain my meter error in my “Babylonian” limerick.
Your suggestion that I could have used an alternate spelling for Babylonians (cf. Babylonyans) would be correct for the meter, but incorrect spelling of the word.
I do have to say that I have never heard anyone pronounce the word with all five syllables. I never have. The last two syllables in normal speech are usually compressed (perhaps, not by everyone) into one — “yans”.
Have you ever heard anyone say “I-ta-lee-ans”? I haven’t.
I, too, have compressed the word limerick. But here an apostrophe replaces one of the letters — the “e”.
************
From Mad Kane:
Your pronunciation of Babylonian is INcorrect. And the pronunciation of “Italians” is irrelevant. But I’m not wasting any more of my time on this.
PS: I’ll just add that even if there are two common pronunciations of a word, it’s best to force the pronunciation that works right meter-wise. Otherwise you risk having people misread your limerick.
We should hail Jesus’ early invention
Giving access to our fourth dimension.
Is there anything greater
Than death’s escalator?
Takes the work out of reaching ascension!
My children have henceforth decreed
Their aim is achieving good deeds.
But till I come a cropper, see,
They won’t get my property …
And the kids they don’t know have a need!
A loose lady who lived in the wood,
Took her talents to town when she could.
When asked where the trail leads,
With respect to her deeds,
She said, “So far, I’m up to no good.”
An engineer with good intensions.
I have patents for many inventions.
The company said thanks.
Put profits in banks.
And now I live off my pensions.
What follows should set the history straight.
It’s a yuge—I mean YUGE—frickin’ deal!
One more somethin’ the Dums wanna steal.
But from Arp to Duluth
There’s no hidin’ the truth:
It was Trump that invented the wheel.
His invention for shaving at pace,
“…Saves you time in life’s crazy rat race…”
Then he Demo’d ‘Zip-Strip’
Took some skin off his lip.
His failure, too late to save face.
To plagiarize hardly is fair.
It requires a larcenous flair.
But with sources so ample
I’ll now and then “sample”
From authors, long dead, who won’t care.
O.K. the above won’t qualify, unless a “larcenous flair” is inventive. I don’t think so, but it was worth a try.
“Great creators, so many have said,
Take whatever they need from the dead,
Without shame or remorse.
“Did you steal it?’ ‘Of course!
And the practice, my friend, is wide-spread.’”
See “When ‘Omer Smote ‘Is Bloomin’ Lyre”. (Kipling)
Also, Google: “Good artists copy; great artists steal.”
Farmer Edward’s sex exploits were rife
All those women were causing him strife
One who knew his misdeeds
Helped him sew some new seeds.
Since she’s been Edified, – she’s his wife.
An attempt to improve meter in 5/10 2:54pm entry.
An engineer with good intensions.
I have patents for many inventions.
The comp’ny said thanks.
Put profits in banks.
And now I can live off my pensions.
Scotch, an invention worth ten.
One can start feeling younger an then,
You forget all your troubles,
And after two doubles,
You begin to feel single again.
The greatest invention’s a chip.
I pack some for ev-er-y trip.
The wheel was okay.
In many a way.
Yet it doesn’t pair well with a dip.
Philosophy 1∅1
I look through the lens of my time
And see much we might now call a crime.
Were they really misdeeds
Or just differing creeds?
I don’t know but I got it to rhyme.
A vintner in King Charlie’s reign*
Was told that his wine was too plain.
He then solved all his troubles,
When he added some bubbles.
Voilà! He invented champaign.**
The night he invented champaign
He got on an Underground train
And went to that show
By Lerner and Loewe.***
I’ll bet that you think I’m insane.
*Charles II (1660-1685)
** Champaign was NOT invented by that French monk, Dom Pérignon.
*** Gigi
It was me who invented sham pain.
As an addict, I’d always complain
To the docs in the hope
They’d prescribe me some dope.
I’m just kidding, my drug was cocaine.
O.K. Another error. Champagne is the beverage. Champaign is the location of the University of Illinois. I must have been reminiscing about my college days.
A vintner in King Charlie’s reign*
Was told that his wine was too plain.
He then solved all his troubles,
When he added some bubbles.
Voilà! He invented champagne.**
The night he invented champagne
He got on an Underground train
And went to that show
By Lerner and Loewe.***
I’ll bet that you think I’m insane.
*Charles II (1660-1685)
** Champagne was NOT invented by that French monk, Dom Pérignon.
*** Gigi
Modern life moves at frightening speeds.
Some would cry, ‘Stop the progress!’ Who heeds?
‘Faster! Faster! Don’t slow!’
Is this good? Time will show
When posterity dissects our deeds
i’m applying the theme of invention in the widest possible sense. I’m also scraping the bottom of the invention barrel.
The widow reclined in her weeds
While savoring former misdeeds
Her husband she’d killed
His kidneys she’d grilled
And served up with sesame seeds
The invention of Alex Graham Bell
Has devolved so that some users dwell
In its internet pit
Of lies, rancor, and shit.
It’s called the Ninth Circle of Cell.
“Leonardo, these gadgets of yours,
Do you think they will work out of doors?”
“Hard to say, at this stage.
In a different age,
They may be all the rage for their wars.”
The wheel is a wondrous invention,
But the barrel’s my choice for ascension.
There’s its round, bulbous shape,
And a bottom to scrape,
Plus it’s fun due to monkey retention.
You’re right, Tony, there’s nothing but dregs left.
A girl of questionable deeds
She ignores what the sign reads
Do not feed the birds
They’ll leave lots of turds
Defecating everything she feeds
Attention all Limerick-Off Stragglers: The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
A Great Invention by Philo Farnsworth: Television
Okay, he was not a beginner,
Yet Philo was one superb winner.
If it weren’t for he,
All us viewers would be
Still munching a radio dinner.
Ach Konrad, du wirst’s doch versteh’n.
Leider koennen wir nicht kegeln geh’n.
Ich muss dich beraten.
Meine sportlichen Taten?
Mein kegeln? Ein grosses verseh’n.
(Mad please note: Deeds=Taten in German.)
For Rudy
The day that I hit on Champaign
Revived my inoperative brain.
I learned how to drink,
But not how to think.
Cause studying sure was a strain.
Go Illini !!
“Every virtue owes life to misdeeds.
They’re the mire in which saints sowed their seeds.
Learning curves, long and steep,
Make each sinner dig deep
When they glimpse where their naughtiness leads.”
I make no apology – apart from the limerick – since it’s 05:30, I’ve yet to have my first cup of tea – and I’m desperate.
Brware the deeds, barrel, Konrad. It, too, is empty. I nearly fell in writing the above.
“Ah, but here’s where invention must start.
(We must station the horse before cart.)
All beginnings, we’ll find,
Have their birth in the mind.
And once born, they must also have heart.”
I can’t help myself.
“Have you heard of that chap, Logie Baird?”
“I was there when his TV first aired.
Jan’ry one nine two six,
Moving black and white pics.”
“And was dinner then served?” “No one cared.”
The Link is for anyone who wishes to investigate. Sorry, Lisi.
ttps://electricscotland.com/history/other/john_logie_baird.htm
“I am come from six hours with Miss Deeds.
I’m relaxed and the tension recedes.”
“So, she’s good?” “She’s sublime.”
“What goes on – all that time?”
“I hang bottom side up, and she reads.”
“Grand Pa, how did you cope in those days?”
“Before smartphones? We had other ways.
We had tin cans and string.”
“Could you hear anything?”
“I heard things caused my eyebrows to raise.”
Guilty I’m not, a man pleads
I haven’t done these misdeeds
I know I got caught
In a heist, but I’m not
The one who stole your fine beads
He’s the shittiest shit in creation,
Quite the worst of a bad generation,
With a nature that leads
To appalling misdeeds,
So he ended up leading the nation.
A tennis pro known for misdeeds,
With an ego that fame often breeds,
Disrespected his sport —
Sowed wild oats on the court!
He’s the worst of some really bad seeds.
“On the list of my father’s misdeeds,
Number one: (Even he now concedes.)
He would tell me each day –
So that I’d go away –
‘Go invent something everyone needs!’”
“Number two on this list of his deeds,
And you may think that this one exceeds,
Was to claim cash and glory –
You’ve all heard the story –
When his little boy genius succeeds.”
No, it isn’t.
Poindexter plotted and schemed
To make real all the women he dreamed
His purported intention
A “mother” invention
Was patently false so it seemed
My last chance, ‘fore I switch off the light,
To invent a good Lim’ plot tonight…
….Overthinking too long, –
(Though it mustn’t be wrong),
I must make sure the last line’s not trite.
“On the list of my father’s misdeeds,
Number one: (Even he now concedes.)
He would tell me each day –
So that I’d go away –
‘Go invent something everyone needs!’”
“Number two on this list of his deeds,
And you may think that this one exceeds,
Was to claim cash and glory –
You’ve all heard the story –
When his little boy genius succeeds.”
“In the prison where father now dwells,
He is feted as one of their belles.
Karma caught up with him.
Now his cellmate, Big Jim,
Always nods when I say my farewells.”
Yes, I know it’s dark; but so is the bottom of the barrel.
Hey Sjaan,
You’re making a believer of me. Your “bad seeds” pun is truly brilliant. And “’twill a-maize you” wasn’t chopped liver either.*
Rudy
*You’re even making me reach for a Yiddish expression.
I’ve invented a new sort of verse,
But plebeians protest,
And are causing unrest.
Seems my genius is naught but a curse,
’Cause they’re wanting my head and much worse!
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 495. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Wire. (NOTE: It includes an extra, experimental limerick challenge involving a Random Word Generator.)