Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: HEEL or HEAL at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: April 2, 2022)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using HEEL or HEAL at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to FLIGHT, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best FLIGHT-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on April 3, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 2, 2022, at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my HEEL or HEAL-rhyme limerick:
Playing poker, Neil felt like a heel.
But he gambled with passionate zeal,
Using cash that was meant
For rent — ev’ry cent.
So his win was a very big deal.
And here’s my FLIGHT-themed limerick:
Our beagle’d chase felines with glee.
The game? Trap or make the cat flee.
But one day, Duke stood guard
For hours in our yard;
Seems our dog had barked up the wrong tree.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Animal & Pet Humor, Beagle Humor, Canine Humor, Cats Humor, Cats Verse, Competition Limerick, Dogs and Cats, Dogs Humor, Dogs Verse, Feline Humor, Gambling Humor, Gambling Limerick, Gambling Verse, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Money & Finance Humor, Money Verse, Poetry & Prompts, Poker, Poker Limerick, Rent Humor, Writing Prompts
In Scotland I saw a great sight —
Hundreds of game birds in flight.
“You have the ptarmigan
Back on the farmigan!”
I cried. And the farmer said, “Right.”
There was a young fellow called Neil,
To whom word plays had no appeal.
I recall he once said,
“I wish I was dead.
I just said that “Time wounds every heal”.”
The ground crew’s (new) pretty young thing
Told the pilot he made her heart sing
“I’d love to fly high, –
take me up in the sky”
He instead ‘took’ her under his wing.
A strange silhouette in the sky;
a rustling of wings from on high.
Not angels divine
but migrating swine –
those pigs finally learned how to fly!
My darling, let’s fly to the Moon!
We’ll go in a hot air balloon.
We’ll sail lunar seas
and feast on green cheese,
then bask in the earthlight and spoon.
The orchestral percussionist’s zeal
Caused her trip; stubbed a toe, – broke a heel.
The upshot of it all?
The bass drum broke her fall
Plus her arm and a new glockenspiel.
Dr. Quack claimed a talent to heal.
What he really could do was to steal.
Your taste he would spoil.
With that nasty old snake oil.
The sonofabitch, what a heel.
There once lived a Hun named A-teal-
A, a colorful guy with appeal
As opposed to his cousin.
But ‘Ttila won at gin
By stomping ‘Teal’s toes – what a heel.
Hi, Mad! :)
Her first day on the job; she’s uptight
‘Til the stewardess meets “Mr. Right.”
You might ask how’d she know
That the man was her beau.
It was easy. ‘Twas love at first flight.
When he lost his wife’s shoes, husband Walt
Was concerned that his wife might assault
Him. The danger was real,
And he felt like a heel
‘Cause he knew that it was his sole fault.
When the hostess says, “Get on the plane”,
It ruffles and rattles my brain.
I don’t think it’s right
She fills me with fright.
I’d rather get IN it, (less pain)
We got on the plane, me and “Pop.”
Didn’t know that the flight was non-stop.
It NEVER will land.
That’s not what I planned.
(Should have taken that hand-me-down prop.)
**********
From Mad Kane:
Lisi, did you send me an email today? And did you send me a FB friend request for a different FB page? I want to make sure you weren’t hacked before I respond.
“I’ve perfected” he said “wingless flight.
From my power, foes cower in fright.
I’ve a colourful cape
It’s a really cool drape
My name’s Clark”, – and the World said “Yeah, – Right!”
(I’m starting the day with a few old ones while I’mmy waiting for my brain to warm up …)
The Cardinal, quite a big wheel,
Had a dog before whom he would kneel.
He explained to some geezers
The pooch was called Jesus –
“When called, he will come straight to heal.”
“You shouldn’t say ‘us’ll’, but ‘we’ll’ ”,
The teacher done tell us – big deal!
Young rednecks like us,
Why, us don’t give a cuss.
’Cause us’ll get richer than he’ll.
Torquemada invented a wheel
That caused all his victims to squeal.
As their feet fell apart,
He would tell them, “Take heart,
For compared to a soul, what’s a heel?”
************************
“Fake News!” cries the Donald. “They’re lying!
This opera scam? I’m not buying!
Do they think I’m a fool
Or a dumb kid from school
To believe that some Dutchman is flying?”
They were partying; he was so high,
LSD made him think he could fly.
Well, it’s true that he flew
For a second or two,
Till the moment he ran out of sky.
They sneered when I said I would buy
A fat pig, and then teach it to fly.
“Are you crazy?” they laughed,
“Pigs with wings? Are you daft?”
I pointed to Trump, flying high.
“When three sheets to the wind, he would heel,
All too often exposing his keel.
Once capsized, he would cling
To the ground, where he’d sing
Bawdy songs with a seafarer’s zeal.”
There was a young woman, Lucille
who running, injured her heel
she said “what a shame
I’m now nearly lame
and can no longer wear my high heels”
There once was a young injured teal
who had lost in a fight with an eel
“it takes time”, said the vet
“he won’t fly again yet
and he sure needs more time to heal”
Falling A’Foul of A Fowl
He looked up and saw it: My word,
An enormous and evil-eyed bird
Zooming by overhead
Wheeled and turned. No! He fled
Too late. SPLAT! went its gigantic turd.
‘Cross the street, neighbor ladies conferred:
The direct hit, then curses, were heard
Up to three blocks away.
They might be forced to say
His appearance had suffered…(concurred.)
“Look up there, in the sky! Oh my word!
It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” he averred.
“No, wait! By its shape
And the long, flowing cape,
It’s Super— oh gross. It’s a bird.”
When it shelters from rain, does a fly
(when it lands on a ceiling nearby)
Do a half roll to land,
Or a half loop, then stand
Upside down on the spot to drip dry?
“Let us speak of a female, round-heeled,
Who insisted on playing the field.
Every neighbourhood rake
Came around, on the make –
As her multi-hued kittens revealed.
Mad, please delete previous. at 20th. 8.16am. (i don’t like the 2 Whens & 2 Lands).
When it shelters from rain, does a fly
(while approaching a ceiling nearby)
Do a half roll to land,
Or a half loop, then stand
Upside down on the spot to drip dry?
Three engines have failed, – it’s all right,
Our arrival’s delayed so sit tight.
There’s a long way to fly, –
If the fourth one should die
I could mean we’ll be up here all night.
Sorry Mad, I’ve done it again. Please replace March 20 2.35am with this version. (L2 & L5 don’t rhyme). Thanks.
“I’ve perfected” he said “wing-less flight.
Foes cower in awe of my might.
I’ve a colourful cape
It’s a really cool drape
My name’s Clark”, – and the World said “Yeah, – Right!”
My young doc spouted med terms with zeal;
He used words like contuse and congeal.
I said, “Icky” and “Ew”
(Only jargon I knew),
Till he finally said, “It’ll heal.”
Hey Rover, they’ll keep saying, “Heel”
As a poodle, I’m smart, (but don’t squeal)
They’ll give you a treat
Till you master that feat.
Play “dumb”, it’s a real tasty deal.
Putin you are like a shoe heel
need to be stepped on til you squeal
your war on Ukraine
is proof you’re insane
your crimes to that body won’t heal
Bombs continue with no-fly zones
must take other ways to leave home
so fast as you can
call the caravan
leave the junkyard dog with dead bones
if you want Spring to heal
Winter’s woes, please get real
it’s not in your wishful head
you must first get out of bed
plant something first your heel
“Pre-Board” “Huh?”
I got on the plane to “pre board”
My luggage was carefully stored.
Then I boarded once more.
Like I did just before.
Got back in and it finally soared.
Though the flies sensed a poopy surprise.
They remembered they had to be wise
Couldn’t stay there today.
Cuz the boss said, “No Way”
(A decree from the Lord of the Flies”)
“The Connoisseur”
How could anyone take such delight
In a movie that’s mostly ’bout flight?
I wanna’ hear WORDS!
“Wings” is truly for nerds.
Only airheads enjoy black and white.
My dog is so smart it’s unreal.
He knows every word in my spiel.
Whatever I say
He tries to obey.
When I say HEEL he’ll bite his own heel.
True story.
In Cuba for months we did stay,
And then one adventurous day,
I was twelve and was flown
From Havana alone
On PanAm to Miami one way.
(Inane immigration laws. Mother was permitted to enter the U.S., but I was not. I followed three days later.)
“Oh Snoopy, I have to reveal
Exactly the way that I feel.
When they say, “Rover, Sit”
It’s always a hit.
But the one thing I can’t stand is “Heel”
Canine Condo
Dear Landlord, I have to reveal
Exactly the way that I feel:
I sit, stay, and I’m trained.
I’m exhausted and drained.
I’ve had it! I don’t want to heel.
She walked, this lovely young sprite,
When a mugger came out of the night,
And Wham! Just like that
She laid him out flat–
He didn’t how well she could fight.
His eyes were tender and bright
All through their nuptual rite;
He gave her a kiss,
Then promised her this:
“For you, dear, my troth I do plight.”
50 years ago and still not better
“Zap” treatments could not even heal
The mem’ry of hurting Camille.
I said, “Let’s play doctor”
Then straight away shocked ‘er
With the gherkin I longed to reveal.
In the belfry he’s checking the wheel
When the bell ringers start up a peal
He appeals to his peers
But it falls on deaf ears
Now HE’s deaf, with ears that won’t heal.
This fixation I strive to conceal
Has been a distressing ordeal.
I’m turned on by feet.
I try being discreet.
It started with one teensy heal.
In Troy they are fighting for real;
Arrows flying and swords flashing steel.
I gave some black lilies
To Mrs. Achilles –
Her husband’s been shot in the heel.
For Saint Patrick’s we all made a deal
to have a authentic Irish meal.
Now my bowels have baggage,
clogged with corned beef and cabbage.
It might be next March till I heal!
As Betty Blue Bird was ascending,
I happened to notice her sending
A letter to Trump
Which said, “Dear Trump Lump,
I was tweeting before it was trending.”
Those birds on the isle of Mauritius
Have vanished (through actions pernicious?)
It doesn’t seem right
That as well as no flight,
Hapless Dodos were rather delicious.
Correcting Rhyming Error From 10:23 AM
As Betty Blue Bird was ascending,
She chirped, “I’m no longer pretending
To be someone who steals.
I have steadfast ideals.
I tweeted before it was trending.”
Hey Bob,
Achilles, my friend, had no wife.
Patroclus, the love of his life,
Shared his lover’s ordeal;
When his wound would not heal.
‘Twas incurred in the Trojan War’s strife.
The Sumerians invented the wheel.
Achilles is known for his heel.
Want some fame of your own?
And forever be known?
Write a lim’rick. It’s not a big deal.
His shoe designs lacked broad appeal.
Were pushed by his passion and zeal.
His toes seemed diminished,
With backs high and finished.
He said you can all go to heel.
He diddled his loved-one with zeal,
Then asked her, “Now, how do you feel?”
Her contented reply
Was not a soft sigh,
But rather, an ear-piercing squeal.
“I’m a fortunate man!” Cried Schlemiel
(As the rest of this tale will reveal).
He, glad that God picked him,
To be the true victim,
Jumped for joy and broke only one heel.
Their mile-high club prospects would fade
With cabin lights often displayed
All during the flight.
Describing their plight,
To sum it up: they were de-laid.
Hi Sjaan,
Cute limerick, but…..
What is the difference between a Schlemiel and a Schlimazel?.
— Both are Yiddish words. A schlemiel is awkward, incompetent, and foolish. A schlimazel is just consistently unlucky or accident prone.
And so, a Schlemiel is not a victim.
Sorry
Heal and Flying
Don’t make love with a bird, here’s the deal:
Soon after, real itchy you’ll feel.
Cuz Chirpes, you’ll get.
It will make you upset.
In your lifetime, it never will heal.
A healthy food is the tomato.
Tomah-to (ketchup, catsup), I know,
Is it fruit you don’t peel?
A veggie to heal?
It’s way to divisive to grow.
When Mercury rises in flight
He’s not searching for villains to smite
With a wing on each heel
He brings under seal
A message from goddess to knight
I write lim’riks ’bout birds in my bed.
Then I read them to dear “hubby” Fred.
But Fred doesn’t get’um
They even upset’um
I guess they fly over his head.
It looks like there is a grammatical error above in line one:
a dangling modifier? Try again
I write “bird lim’riks” each night in bed.
Then I read them to dear hubby, Fred.
But Fred doesn’t get’um.
They even upset’um.
I guess they fly over his head.
It was truly a difficult feat,
But I finally managed to meet
The guy who was high
When he named a fly “fly”
Seems he just had returned from “The Eat.”
Jesus’s pet dog Shlemiel
Could fetch, sit, roll over and kneel
But the best trick of all
(Per the gospel of Paul)
Was when the mutt started to heal.
(Pollies, is a common Australian term for Politicians)
Our balloon won’t be up and away
Celebrating elections today
My apprentice; a learner,
Forgot the damn burner.
So grounded with pollies we’ll stay.
But we’re not at the end of our tether
At least we have fav’rable weather
Don’t despair; we’ll get there,
I’ll create some hot air
By tying six pollies together.
In spring they sang and flew above.
One a finch, the other a dove.
Who were these birds,
Who croon no words?
They were just tweethearts in love.
Dual engine planes, I’m not one to bash.
If one fails, you can make a dash.
So, tell the tower.
You have enough power.
To soon reach the scene of your crash.
A sailfish feeling quite light.
Jumped out of the water, took flight.
With wind in his sail
(He was in a gale).
So very soon flew out of sight.
It’s so nice to meet you, Lucille.
I’m your psychical healer, “Real Deal.”
I have to be blunt:
I need big bucks up front.
And then your chapped lips I shall heal.
Hi, Rudy. Thanks for the critique of my “Schlemiel” rhyme.
I had hoped that the Poetic License Bureau would be open
this week. For what it’s worth, I think (perhaps wrongly) of
Schlemiel and Schlimazel as a kind of wonderfully comedic
version of the Yin and Yang pairing. Bound together by like
fortunes, one is passive and the other is active. So, in my
mind, in the case of S and S, both are victims of misfortune.
(I wouldn’t write all stuff except for the fact that I was a big fan of
Laverne and Shirley, and that accounts for a lot). :)
Internet Instructions From Your Friendly Burglar
Remember to type in your name.
It’s crucial you then must proclaim
Your address, time of flight.
It’s such a delight
To achieve world-wide media fame.
He woke up and made an appeal.
Said “Doc, can you now please get real”?
The cast he did beg.
“Is on the wrong leg.
Do you really expect me to heal”?
At the wine bar I asked for a flight,
To compare heavy-bodied to light.
I sampled and tasted,
But never got wasted.
I could only get high as a kite.
I danced and I danced the whole night.
I’d hoped that my heart would take flight.
But it crashed in defeat,
Since I have two left feet.
And Lerner and Loewe I can’t fight.
Correction: from 3/21 9:32PM (The punch line ruined it)
It was truly a difficult feat,
But I finally managed to meet
The guy who was high,
Who named a fly “fly”
And had just named a restaurant, “Eat.”
Wing Walking: A person who moves about on TOP of the plane while it is still moving. There are still a few wing walkers in the U.S.(true)
“Wing Walking”
This lim’rik is not mumbo jumbo.
(It even bewildered Colombo)
While a plane is still flying,
Wing Walkers are trying
To find that sweet fun-loving Dumbo.
New golf clubs and cart was the goal.
Add golf shoes and I’m on a roll.
With equipment now right.
My ball will take flight,
And soon I will be in the hole.
When Jews took flight out of Egypt,
God said, “Leave the bread!” Then He quipped,
“I will help you, of course,
And Pharaoh’s great force,
Will into the Red Sea be dipped”.
A dinosaur, I have been soured.
The future will have me devoured.
This (time) will not heal.
I remember (surreal),
When electric ells were gas powered.
I’ve a friend who likes putting on airs.
He exaggerates, too; no one cares.
When he called me last night
With “I’m booking a flight!”
I was sure he was walking up stairs.
The next time you fly on a plane,
Prepare – you may have to restrain
Some rude jerk in a rage
Who belongs in a cage.
(And maybe, next time, take the train.)
Horrid Hank’s a contemptible heel,
Unlike Shane, who’s a hapless Shlemiel.
So when Hank, as a prank,
On a lark, robs a bank,
He gets Shane to take blame for the steal.
Short commands to her “pit” keep things real,
When that bell on her porch starts to peal.
For the cops, she says, “Sit” —
For the repo man, “Shit!”
When her ex comes around she yells, “Heel!”
Texting lim’rick ideas in the mall
she walked into a solid brick wall.
The result of her zeal?
Hit the deck, – broke a heel.
She’d been Googling “pride comes ‘fore a fall”
Dear Airline Hostess, “Shut Up”
When up in the air we both went,
We were not for one minute content.
Who the hell wants to hear
These words that cause fear:
“And in the unlikely event!”
The horny old doc copped a feel,
When checking her out, head to heel;
He thought it a hoot,
‘Til she gave him the boot,
And now he can’t stand, only kneel.
On a flight to the south, I once sighted
A bird in a seat quite delighted.
He said, “I could fly
With my own wings but I”
Prefer the rewards from United.”
He’s a big political wheel,
Who can swing any lucrative deal;
“Ain’t no secret, Honey,
‘It only takes money–
‘Some beg and some borrow, I steal.”
I flew over the rainbow, (real high.)
The myth is a harrowing lie.
Mama said, “You’ll find gold,
A sight to behold.”
All I found was a big pot of chai.
Hey Mad,
What does that mean
Your comment is awaiting moderation?
Astronomers all bet their arse,
That man flew to Earth from the stars.
A microbe from Venus
Was lacking a penis.
That proved that all men came from Mars.
*************
From Mad:
In this case, it means that my spam blocker found your “penis” suspicious.
Her fetish, to gain sex appeal:
Body parts made of metal (for real!).
Compared to the price
of gold nipples (though nice),
‘twas a steal for the shiny steel heel.
Ev’ry elephant knows flying’s chancy —
Just the thought of it made Dumbo antsy.
He’d been earmarked at birth,
To be most down-to-earth,
Therefore, flight wasn’t something he’d fancy.
“We’re flying, flying flying”
The fairy had dust she could sprinkle.
But her journey had one teensy wrinkle.
While Peter flew high,
Way up in the sky,
Miss Tinkerbell stopped for a tinkle.
He’s a big political wheel,
Who can swing any lucrative deal;
“Ain’t no secret, Honey,
‘It’s all about money–
‘Some beg and some borrow, I steal.”
The thieves with great keenness and zeal
Were very determined to steal
Cinderella’s glass shoes,
Till Punk told Toulouse
“Goddammit! There’s only one heel.”
Beyond their initial appeal,
It flamed out with Jason and Neil.
And sadly she said
“It’s my life’s loaf of bread;
I always end up with the heel.”
He said, “Darling, first I shall rise.
You’ll delight in my very huge size.”
I recall that I reckoned
This affair took one second.
It’s amazing how quickly time flies.
OR
He said, “Darling, first I shall rise.
You’ll delight in my very huge size.”
Then I instantly blinked.
He was smoking, (then winked.)
It’s amazing how quickly time flies.
My dog didn’t see the appeal
Of trying to learn how to heel.
But soon he got over
His fears and now Rover
Shows off his stilettos with zeal.
The persecuted witch, she feels
When kicked by many rude heels.
But she had her say
When she told them one day
That she’s turning them all into seals.
Young flying squirl thought – a slam-dunk.
That he could fly none could debunk.
But try as he might.
He couldn’t take flight.
But would glide from a limb to a trunk.
An erudite finch from the Netherlands
Read Darwin and said “come together, friends.
Although it sounds shocking
Our flapping and flocking
Is done not with wings but with feather-hands.”
A pilot who finished too soon
His flight school, jumped in the balloon
And yelled “I can fly ye
Just north of Hawaii-
We’ll arrive in 5 years, around noon.”
Her smartphone was hurled ‘cross the room
When she lost her connection with Zoom;
Landed: crack! “Cells” can’t fly
But control herself, why?
Dad will buy her a new one! (Ba-boom.)
“Newspaper Ad” (Senior Apartments)
“Last Sunset’s” a very good deal.
Like a dream, it is almost surreal
It’s a sure guarantee
That you never will see
Any tenant trip over a heel.”
The gooney birds flight has appeal.
Shows grace, gliding high, is surreal.
When the time comes to land.
He isn’t so grand.
Falls head over claws (has no heel).
Your muscles are tempered like steel.
Pro wrestlers, this is the deal:
Give it a go,
It’s all a show,
And the money’s on being a heel.
When the Bishop’s boys planned their first flight,
Orv’ suggested they do it at night.
Wilbur pondered, then sighed.
“Sorry, motion denied.
Don’t you see, bro’? It wouldn’t be wright.”
Addendum to Bob’s March 21 07:54am and Rudy’s of the same date 11:57am.
“Homer says A and P were great mates,
But that B was A’s wife clearly states
Before three come to heal
And to broker a deal,
Thus igniting those heated debates.”
I know it’s not brilliant – Rudy’s penis didn’t give me a lot to work with – but I had to make the attempt. Too delicious an opportunity.
“Is your penis suspicious? Beware!
Mad’s alert to your presence. Take care!
She’ll be hot on your heel,
She must probe to reveal,
And has watchmen in place to ensnare.”
I heard that this info is true.
It sounds strange, so I must think it through.
People say, “When pigs fly.”
Yet, I’m wondering why
Zoologists say that swine flu.
She yelled an enthralled “watch this maw”.
On a teeter-totter with her paw.
She fell with a squeal.
Proclaimed “I will heal”.
I told her “I see, and I saw”.
Thought the whale, who spotted a seal,
“This looks like a really great meal!”
The seal, with a flip,
Gave the whale the slip,
Who had to make do with an eel.
“My Shayna, I’ll make sure you’ll heal.
It’s chicken soup ev-er-ry meal.
Then lots tea with honey.
So your noz won’t be runny.
And tomorrow: the very same spiel.”
I put “hear” in line 5, instead of “the very”
“My Shayna, I’ll make sure you’ll heal.
By chicken soup ev-er-y meal.
Then lots tea with honey,
So your noz won’t be runny.
And tomorrow, you’ll hear the same spiel.”
Pirate Peg-leg was drunk at the wheel;
Lost his ship, crashed his automobile.
But his hopes are not drowned
Cuz he still gets a-round:
Takes his peg for a spin on its heel.
Refutation of the Holmesian view of Greek history.
Revisionists never are right,
When historical facts are in flight.
Achilles is smeared;
And Briseis*, his beard,
Is maligned with a slanderous slight.
*bri-Say-is
Mr. Holmes, you’re mistaken, I fear.
Your concern urological’s queer.
You claimed there was not,
To work with, a lot;
But there’s more than a handful, my dear.
Hey Mad,
The above limerick does not qualify. (Sorry) But I think I needed to write it.
Rudy
“One should never belittle one’s friends.
As the practice too often offends.
Slighted manhood won’t heal –
It is too big a deal –
So you’ve small hopes of making amends.”
“When your manhood is under attack,
And your pride is at stake, you hit back.
This is no time for flight,
You’ve no option but fight,
Or your shame may loom large – in the sack.”
“In society, farting is rude,
As is frolicking, dressed in the nude.
Is society right
To inhibit the flight
Of your fancy, and label you crude?”
Three nervous dudes board their first flight,
I observe them, – an int’resting sight.
One; reluctant, seems fit.
Dude three Feels like shit, –
Number Two really looks like he might!
I read an article quite rude.
I found that the subject was lewd.
Chicken sexing (get real).
Egad, what a heal.
It so put me in a foul mood.
In the bathroom, although it’s insane.
There’s a “used razor slot” in a plane.
And when the ride’s choppy,
Those who shave there look sloppy.
And return with a sharp sanguine pain.
(Can’t they wait for the touch-down in Spain?) :)
Jill’s husband had lost his appeal
When he started to gamble and steal
Jack, barely five seven
Jill, five foot eleven
Began to look down at the heel
“It is moments like these that reveal
How the friend of your bosom might feel.
Does he value and rate?
Are you truly his mate,
Or detritus that stuck to his heel?”
That I’m snippy, I’m loathe to reveal;
It’s a trait that holds little appeal.
Intending no malice,
I act in ways callous,
Or else crusty — then feel like a heel.
I’ve designed a new app gals, (don’t Groan)
It’s a Taser add-on for your phone.
You can give some low heel
That electric thrill feel:
Fifty thousand Volts down to the bone.
(A small tap on the app
Gives an almighty zap)
In her fanciful flight, to sing higher,
The sound she emits is quite dire.
She’s no Dianna Ross,
But is loved by her boss,
Cuz she’s got the best tits in his choir!
I was dusting, then suddenly…
With great speed, he FLEW into my house.
And asked, “Will you be my sweet spouse?”
I replied, “Yes of course!
We shall never divorce!”
In June I’ll be Ms. Mighty Mouse.”
Off a cliff in his brand new hang-glider,
With his distance from Earth getting wider,
He dreams (flight of fancy)
That he’s up there with Nancy
Who, AT one mile high, lets him ride ‘er.
The last time I flew, I was think’in
“Oh hell, what’s that noise I hear plink’in?”
When we started to climb,
I knew now is the time
To catch up on all of my drink’in.”
Always Fly First Class
In first class, close your eyes, make a a wish.
And voila! There’s a fine gourmet dish.
But when you’re in coach,
You feel dreadful reproach
With that stiff frozen head of a fish.
Does a stiletto lose its appeal?
By cutting one inch of its heel?
Says a shoe connoisseur.
“Heel yes”, I am sure.
A loafer like me says “get real”.
Miss Edna St Vincent Millay
Was a poet who often made hay –
In earlier Bohemia,
Nothing more dreamier
Than writing a sonnet each day!
Miss Edna St Vincent Millay
Decided she must get away:
‘I hate Greenwich Village –
They abuse me – they pillage!
Ferry ferry me to Merryland Bay!’
A limerick summary of the movie Psycho.
A woman stole cash and took flight;
Then she got a motel room that night.
In the bath she got iced
(That’s to say, sliced and diced)
By a fellow whose head wasn’t right.
A glutton for gluten he’d been.
The way he ate cake was a sin.
Lots of pasta and bread,
And now he is dead.
A small flight of beer did him in.
Young and Scatterbrained Was I
When I’d lose something, Mama would say,
“Has your mind, once again, gone astray?
“Now Lisi, my dear,
It has to be here
Do you think that it just flew away?”
If you need a good fast-flying elephant,
the size of its ears is irrelephant.
Whether Afro or Indi’
Weather calm, or quite windy
It’s the COLOUR that’s key, – choose the yellaphant.
I bet that those toe dancers feel
Lots of pain, which they strive to conceal.
For their nearing ballet,
They should rotate this way:
Toe, heel, toe, heel, toe heel, toe, heel.
I’ve got bats in my belfry, but really,
They’re no bother. (They’re not touch-feely).
Because they eat Keto,
And dine on mosquito,
I permit them to fly about freely.
Mezza Mezza: It Takes Time
I don’t know how I thoroughly feel,
Though he does have that “certain appeal”.
I swing and I sway,
So right now I can say,
“I’m head over only one heel.”
Please fly me to Ariel, the moon.
Up there we will snuggle and spoon.
And I’ll look at Uranus,
A sight not too heinous.
What a heavenly place to maroon!
A cowboy boot has a raised heel.
Does more than enhance their appeal.
It raised boys to men.
As they did ascend.
Since cattlemen’s egos did heal.
Hmmm. I think this might work better than the previous version at 28th, 6.08pm. (Swapped L2 & L5).
If you need a good fast-flying elephant,
It’s its Colour that’s key, – choose the yellaphant.
Whether Afro or Indi’
Weather calm, or quite windy
The size of its ears is irrelephant.
Space cadets from the planet called Mirth —
All superior pilots since birth —
Couldn’t help but fly low,
And yell out, “UFO!”
Just to prove they could get down to earth.
His wife, on safari with zeal,
Had a jungle encounter ordeal
Where an alpha gorilla
Proceeded to fill ‘er.
She’s too shocked to remember , – But He’ll.
We hear in the news that it’s fact.
People viewed “Flying Saucers” they’ve tracked.
Some doubt what they claim.
Others proudly exclaim.
It’s the Saucer family’s trapeze act.
She yelled LOOK, a cuddly Koala bear, AL.
Flying on vine through the forest, shall
Tell bear facts, it’s time.
Bear with me as I’m,
Not a bear, I’m a marsupial.
Relief, it’s our final approach.
There’s a problem required to broach.
My seatmate’s perspired,
On me, then expired.
Look what happens when flying in coach!
With glasses, he’s simply Clark Kent.
A mild-mannered, awkward young gent.
But for journalist Lane,
He’s the Superman plane.
For new stories where Lois is sent.
John’s so thick, that he has no appeal.
Also callus, no love does he feel.
I have no more use
For his blis’tring abuse.
I guess you could call him a heel.
OR
John’s so thick, that he has no appeal.
Also callus, no love does he feel.
He makes real hurtful cracks,
Launches blis’tring attacks.
I guess you cold call him a heel.
So happy I found Milky Chance
These guys make my rusty heart dance
My ticker takes flight
And this is my plight:
An old broad/young hotties romance
His efforts to bed fierce Lucille
Came to naught ‘cause he’d been too genteel.
So he tried “Let’s drop trou
And get busy right now!”
It took him a long time to heal.
Bartender Please…..
“Hey John, I’ll have Rittenhouse Rye.
Couple sips of some Sipsmith, real dry.
Top it off with some Strane.
I’ll be takin’ a plane.
Gonna glide, slip away, while I fly.”
He thought he was such a big wheel
When he authored “The Art of the Deal”.
He’s now living down south
With his foot in his mouth,
And that’s been his Achilles heel.
Last Halloween trick-or-treat night
Darren’s costume’s the scariest sight.
His Japanese friend
Was startled no end
He said “Dallen, you give me a flight!”
Same Theme But Different Limerick: Bartender, Please……
“Hey John, I’d like one glass of rye.
In fact, make it 3, won’drin why?
I’ll be takin’ a plane
Won’t be feelin’ no pain.
I’ll be flying the same time I fly.”
Kenny Rogers’s boots look so real
To all cowboys, with toecaps of steel.
But they broke when he kicked
An old rock. Sing! “You picked
A fine time to leave me, loose heel!”
My inflatable doll, Susie Q
Felt so comf’table when I was through.
Then the bed bug that night.
Gave her such a big bite,
That up to the ceiling she flew.
Felt the urge did the young skateboarder.
Removed Porta-Potty sign (out-of-order).
Now she must heal.
P.T.S.D. (for real).
Has Portable Toilet Stress Disorder.
A pilot who loved to fly
Also baked a great apple pie
So when he said
Passengers would be fed
All he offered was pie in the sky
‘Time heals every wound’? That’s unreal!
Quite the opposite’s more how I feel.
As I limp down life’s highways
And hobble down byways,
It’s more like ‘time wounds every heel’.
The ostrich can’t fly. It’s a pain,
But his efforts are always in vain.
And the true reason why
He’s unable to fly?
They won’t let him get on the plane.
Unlike most of the posts I’ve seen today, this one is true:
The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
You’ve been bumping your toe with such zeal,”
Said my Doc, “You’ve developed a weal.
Learn when objects loom near
To back up till you’re clear.”
“Just like this?” I asked, stubbing my heel.
There was a young man so polite
On a crowded economy flight
He perfected the art
Of containing his fart.
People say he’s a little uptight.
He thinks if he buys her a meal
She’ll consent to his copping a feel.
But it doesn’t take long
To discover he’s wrong.
She clobbers him with her high heel.
There was an inventor named Knight
Who studied the science of flight.
He thought he’d be first,
But his efforts were cursed.
His designs never turned out quite Wright.
Continuing on from the last verse…..
Eight hours later and gradually weaker
The outlook is bleaker and bleaker
So much pain did he feel
He decided that he’ll
Just lean forward and let out a squeaker
Better to keep them together….
There was a young man so polite
On a crowded economy flight
He perfected the art
Of containing his fart.
People say he’s a little uptight.
Eight hours later and gradually weaker
The outlook is bleaker and bleaker
So much pain did he feel
He decided that he’ll
Just lean forward and let out a squeaker
April 1st! Day to jog in the buff!
(Well, the jogging part may be a bluff).
Time to hang from one heel
Off an old Ferris wheel!
(As if lim’ricks aren’t tricky enough).
Not one other man had my zeal!
So why didn’t I serve? Here’s the deal:
I was forced to defer
With a painful bone spur–
That should bring all you critics to heel.
Though that boy toy at Troy had appeal,
Knocking him to his knees? No big deal.
He was easy to rankle
Once pierced through the ankle,
Thus bringing Achilles to heel.
Don’t Ridicule Old-Fashioned Cures
Time was, it was not an ordeal
All the “old folks” sure knew how to heal.
Any wound, apply honey,
Voila! you’d feel sunny.
This remedy had great appeal.
Now let’s say you suffered from gout,
Eating cherries, would work, without doubt.
For eye bags to heal,
Cool tea was ideal.
Why go under the knife (scream and shout?)
If bitten by one hostile bug,
Who’s hiding real snug in your rug,
You’d use “pasty oatmeal”
Then your boo boo would heal.
And you wouldn’t buy one pricy drug.
There’s one more tested cure that can heal
Any ache, any pain, you might feel.
It is called chicken soup.
So stay in the loop.
Cuz THAT is the “crowning real deal”
Mad: This one is better written. I didn’t realize I “submitted” the previous one, before checking it over. Thus,
Don’t Ridicule Old-Fashioned Cures
Time was, it was not an ordeal,
When the “old folks” all knew they could heal
Any wound? Apply honey.
At once, you’d feel sunny.
This cure had tremendous appeal.
Now let’s say you suffered from gout.
Eating cherries would work, without doubt.
For eye bags to heal,
Cool tea was ideal.
Why go under the knife, (scream and shout?)
If bitten by one hostile bug,
Who was hiding real snug in your rug,
For your boo boo to heal,
You’d smear “pasty” oatmeal,
Which surpassed any real pricy drug.
There’s one more tested cure that will heal
Any ache, any pain, you might feel:
You must stay in the loop.
It is called chicken soup.
Also known as “The Crowning Real Deal”
If you’ve one leg, and hunt, danger’s real.
Here’s a safety idea with appeal:
To avoid your own end
Take a very slow friend
For when wild bears are hot on your heel.
Take Me to the Pilot
After-dinner tales told, death-defying
Stunts decades ago: Louie’s flying
Enthralled guests ’til Ann said,
Drink up, dear, time for bed…
(Praise his exploits, just know that he’s lying.)
He retorted in great indignation
And more than a touch of frustration,
Those times did exist!
As co-pilot, enlist-
Ed, one seat from control and elation!
(Ann’s eyeroll claimed exaggeration, while Louie’s sought guests’ validation.)
“At the thought of Ms Beverley Knight,
Can’t deny that my fancy takes flight.
In my fantasies she
Always comes on to me.
In the real world, she screams at the sight.”
As my time here just flies out the door;
I prefer older songs, that’s for sure.
Now they’re soul-less and barren
(Unlike those sung by Karen)
I play Yesterday Once More, more and more.
(Southern Hemisphere version):
No matter you’re chirpy or surlier,
Or whether you’re burly or girlier.
Tempers flying and raving
About Daylight Saving
All it means is, it Now gets late earlier.
I dated a good-looking guy.
We embraced, and he fondled my thigh.
His seductive suggestion
Then pressed my to question,
“Did something fly out of your fly?”
He’s a “hanging judge,” many folks feel,
And a bit of a punitive heel.
He’ll convict in a blink
And you’ll land in the clink.
It’s summed up in his name: Noah Peale.
Shrieked the copilot “Left! Hurry! Swing it!
There’s a building and we’re gonna ding it!
Don’t you know how to fly!?”
Quipped the pilot “I’ll try,
But don’t worry, I know how to wing it.”
We know freshly-baked bread’s a big deal;
It gets tackled in my house, with zeal.
My own crusty advice is
To grab the best slices–
Don’t loaf, and get stuck with the heel.
From history nobody learns.
More war and destruction returns.
It’s all in plain sight.
Ukrainians in flight.
And we fiddle as Mariupol burns.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 492. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Nose.