Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CRUDE or CREWED or ACCRUED at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: December 11, 2021)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CRUDE or CREWED or ACCRUED at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CRIME, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CRIME-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on December 12, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 11, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my CRUDE/CREWED/ACCRUED-rhyme limerick:
A comic was starting to freak
Cuz his comedy future looked bleak.
He turned morbid and crude
And increasingly lewd,
And was panned cuz he joked a blue streak.
And here’s my CRIME-themed limerick:
Said the sous-chef, “Don’t make me relive
The attack that killed chef/owner Viv.
I’m exhausted and drained,
And my recall has waned…
Cuz my mem’ry is much like a sieve.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Chef Humor, Chef Limerick, Comedian Humor, Comedian Limerick, Comedians, Comic Limericks, Competition Limerick, Crime & Punishment Humor, Crime Limerick, Law And Order, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Memory Humor, Memory Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Restaurant Humor, Restaurant Limerick, Standup Comedy, Standup Comics, Writing Prompts
At “Bambi’s” they serve home-made food.
Plus, now you can even get screwed.
And since this addition,
They’ve less competition.
And in’trest has highly accrued.
This is better:
At “Bambi’s” they serve home-made food.
As of late, you can even get screwed.
Since this tempting addition,
They’ve less competition.
And in’trest has highly accrued.
Their object was really sublime
The punishment fitted the crime
But folks call William Gilbert
A weak minded filbert
And Arthur is still doing time
My fam’ly knows nuthin’ bout crime.
Not one of us ever did time.
Though once, Uncle Telly
Who owned “Telly’s Deli”
Gave Pop the wrong change for a dime.
All started with Jack and the beanstalk.
The villagers huddle in shock.
And Jack says, “No sale.”
For the goose of the tale.
While the Giant’s been outline in chalk.
It’s a breaking and entering crime.
The suspect is Goldi. She’s prime.
The bears are all bent,
on malicious intent.
Just new chair. She is serving no time.
Poor Kay was not careful today.
The makeup’s too much on display.
Mascara accrued,
I know this is rude.
Had appearance of Tammy, Miss. Faye.
tiny change L 5
All started with Jack and the beanstalk.
The villagers huddle in shock.
And Jack says, “No sale.”
For the goose of the tale.
While the Giant’s been outlined in chalk.
Our cousin, Orlando Von Klaus.
Is a crooked nefarious louse.
When he went away,
To our friends we just say,
“He’s locked in his very big house.”
My date was polite, (never rude.)
And not once, did he ever allude
To “gettin’ it on”
Good-Bye, well-bred John.
My preference is lewd and real crude.
“Your advances, good Sir, are too crude.
Now, pray do not think me a prude,
But you’ll be out of luck
If you say “Babe, let’s fuck!” –
I prefer to be tastefully wooed.”
(… an old one)
“You’ve been warned!” said my boss. “What you wear
When you’re slouching at home, I don’t care.
But at work, you’ll comply!”
So I borrowed a tie,
And I strangled the bastard right there.
A crude dude accrued crude from the land
He drilled through rock, shale and sand
Thrust his bit deep for oil
Bit off more than a mohel
Now his well’s dry as he stands bit in hand
I worked hard to be a ‘Star’ criminal
With heists either bold or subliminal.
But most were a Fail
I was soon put in jail
So my proceeds from crime were quite minimal.
The head of our syndicate’s Jake
He’s the best thief we know (give or take…)
His birthday surprise, –
After gifts from the guys,
Was that some bastard’s stolen the cake.
There was an old limerick-writer
Who could not have been impoliter.
He was rude, he was crude,
And increasingly lewd –
I confess, I’m that filthy old blighter.
U.S. VERY Organized Crime: All 50 States
If you feel you just don’t want to stay
Where it’s cold, it is really okay.
There’s a “Changing Gang” form
Called “I Wanna’ Feel Warm
And Be Transferred From Maine To L.A”
“Taking Notes”
You’re suspicious, you’ve sure earned that frown.
The show’s about Charlie who drown
His sweet wife, Marie,
Then you notice that he
Is fervently writing it down.
To Make It More Clear: Taking Notes, “Murder He Wrote”
You’re suspicious, you’ve sure earned that frown.
The show’s about Charlie who drown
His lovely wife, Jo
Then you notice your beau
Is fervently writing it down.
On Thanksgiving, you had to say, “Bye”
To your cat, who at times is real sly.
You followed her trail.
She’s in “Kitty Place Jail”
Cuz she licked all the cream off the pie.
You’re a criminal, now you will fail
All the courses you’ve taken at Yale.
There’s no way to break free,
Or agree on a plea.
You’re stuck in Monopoly Jail.
Clock company manager, Hans
Had major embezzlement plans
But now he spends hours
beneath the Watch towers
With nothing but time on his hands.
Hans’ jail time has years on the clock
And each night when the key turns the lock
All he hears (down the hall)
Is the clock on the wall
Counting Each second, – Tick fucking Tock!
I really just wanted to thank
The Manager of our new bank
For the safe combination
And account information
On the back of a cheque that was blank.
Once a turkey snood’s viewed, prob’ly you’d
Then allude to the fact it looks crude.
But the hot-to-trot hen
On the prowl for fowl men,
Would say, “Tom’s the right dude for my brood.”
A man harbored thoughts that were lewd
But his partner was not in the mood.
She had no further uses
For her mate’s manly juices
And so, he just sat there and stewed.
Or, punched up a bit ….
A man whose intentions were lewd
Found his partner was not in the mood
With no earthly uses
For his manly juices
The fellow just sat there and stewed.
Now astronaut journeys are “crewed”
And changing the phrase was real shrewd.
We must be polite,
Use the word that is right.
And “man on a mission” was lewd.
She hovered above the dead bird.
That laid on a book, hadn’t stirred.
The title I scanned,
Spelled it out, “Crime And
Punishment”, Kitty just purred.
Who me?
One last change from yesterday.
All started with Jack and the stalk.
The villagers huddle in shock.
And Jack says, “No sale.”
For the goose of the tale.
While Giant’s been outlined in chalk.
Brad was mortified Chippendale.
But the loans were enormous from Yale.
They accrued and accrued.
Then one night was so lewd.
His g-string was filled by Aunt Gale.
When I lived in West Orange, New Jersey in 1993,
garbage disposals were illegal, though many residents sneaked them in!
This law was also enforced in many other New Jersey cities as well.
It may still be in effect. Hard to believe, yet true.
“A Grievous Crime In N.J., 1993”
Mrs. Tattletale could have been kinder,
But she told the police where to find ‘er.
She’s in prison for life.
Ev’ry day she feels strife.
(Pleated guilty for owning a grinder)
To the other cows Elsie was rude,
Obnoxious, offensive, and crude.
“Why?!” the cows cried
And Elsie replied,
“I’m usually just in the moooooood.”
Is it still a crime if you change the word? Let’s see.
The people of this mighty nation
Sure need a real good explanation.
Does the government fib?
Or are they just glib?
When stating some “disinformation?”
There once was this arsonist, James,
Who burned London Bridge on the Thames
And in that same fashion
Performed crimes of passion
Rekindling all his old flames.
Venus could see the Feds nearing
The moment she dropped her damn earring
In her racquet it nested
So she was arrested
The crime, of course, was racketeering.
“That dress is just so darn appealing.
I hope that my friends won’t be squealing.
The price is too high.
Folks will look, but won’t buy.
And that is what justifies stealing.”
“The jury all thought I’m sublime”,
Boasted Kyle, “Won’t be doin’ no time.
The guy I killed, Mommy,
Was prob’ly a commie,
So that doesn’t count as a crime.”
(A few more old ones …)
“Buddy, please can you spare me a dime?”
Well, of course – being poor is no crime.
But I felt like a jerk
When he got in his Merc
Saying “Thanks, bud, and here’s to next time.”
***********************
He’d ripped off the Mafia big-time;
A truckload of lemons, his crime.
“Seems ya like citrus fruit”,
Said the Godfather. “Cute!
So we’re dumpin’ ya body in lime.”
***********************
(Hasn’t happened yet, but maybe one of these days …)
The Grabber loves copping a feel.
“Grab a pussy, and hear how they squeal!”
But he’s now doing time
For a sexual crime;
He was feeling a cop – no appeal.
It is terribly, terribly crude
To reduce, “We made love,” to “We screwed.”
There are terms even worse,
But, it’s family verse,
So, the line has been drawn, coz they’re rude.
He Grassed on The Mob’s machination, –
A bent charity and dodgy foundation.
But the Mob sussed the Scab.
He’s now part of a slab
Holding up half of Grand Central Station.
Though of course, as a man of the left,
I consider all property theft,
If some criminal swine
Ever made off with mine
I’d feel angry, upset and bereft.
I hope that, with skill and with luck,
This rhyme won’t descend into muck
With a word that is crude
And offensive and rude
At the end of the fifth line. Oh fuck!
I have tried to paint girls in the nude,
But my daubs are, admittedly, crude.
Ah, but in my defence,
My aesthetical sense
Is debased by my thoughts, which are rude.
Ounce by ounce, in by inch, I accrued
Till my waistline eclipsed ‘me’ when nude.
Lost to sight, but not clutch
We can still keep in touch,
But it’s good to see friends, or we brood.
Ah, the freedom to be crude
once f—s from you can’t be accrued.
Oh, to be able
to clear the dinner table
with Mom, last to leave, yelling, “Rude!”
You don’t need a gun to do crime,
Just incense and a random wind chime,
And an Old hippie chick
With fake chants as her schtick.
All the cause of why I’M doing time!
They found a peephole slit.
In the locker room they admit.
But be at peace,
For the police,
Have been looking into it.
You don’t have to be homicidal,
However, this info is vital:
This prison’s congested
And you WILL be arrested
For watching “American Idol.”
As not to use “this” twice:
You don’t have to be homicidal.
However, this info is vital:
The prison’s congested.
And you WILL be arrested
For watching “American Idol”
A pick pocket has his appeals.
An umpire has his ideals.
Though not swatches,
One steals watches,
While the other watches steals.
A burglar bad to the bone.
Kicked in his door with a groan.
After that viewing,
Asked what he’s doing?
He said he was working from home.
His vision affected by macular.*
So other then center spectacular.
But periphery sight.
Not enough for a flight.
“No piloting” legal vernacular.
*Macular Degeneration, leading cause of blindness.
Starts with center vision diminishing.
A few years later:
The crash was in field of kale.
The pilot forgetful and frail.
The statement that’s next,
Had me stunned and perplexed.
The controls in the cockpit were braille!
Diminished capacity!
Humble Buddhist had money accrued.
Thought his bookkeeping need be reviewed.
It seems checks had arrived
From the ladies he satisfied.
Had his taxi cab license renewed.
My husband I was unaware.
A construction site thief, I do swear.
I didn’t know then,
Oh, sure but when,
I got home all the signs were still there.
Theme: Crime
Though sedition’s a federal crime,
There are traitors no better than slime.
Thirty million in damages
By the action of savages.
There’s no humorous bit in this last line.
My grandfather was a man who,
Had the heart of a lion its true.
And though not a fan,
Had a lifetime ban,
From New Yorks Central Park Zoo.
I’m very busy
More often than not, I am nude.
Ev’ry day, there’s another hot dude.
There’s Jerry and Don,
Alexander and Ron,
Many more than 5 lines I’ve accrued.
To expose her great talents imbued,
She performed ‘visual art’ in the nude.
But with age, and weight gained
Popularity waned
Proportional to wrinkles accrued.
Please delete November 29. 10.19am. Thanks
You don’t need a gun to do crime,
Just incense and incessant wind-chime,
Plus an Old hippie chick
With fake chants as her schtick.
All the cause of why I’M doing time!
Never question that old CIA.
It protects us all night and all day.
All the agents are skilled.
They never have killed.
They “neutralize” so it’s okay.
After getting thoroughly stewed,
He paraded around in the nude;
Some thought it crass,
Displaying his ass–
To others, delightfully crude.
Said the hooker, “So you think it’s lewd,
To spend so much time getting screwed?
‘For me, to be chaste
‘Would be a big waste–
‘Just look at the cash I’ve accrued.”
You don’t have to holler, “I’m screwed!”
When there’s a better word, albeit crude;
It rhymes well with “duct,”
Or, if you like, “bucked”–
Few people these days think it’s lewd.
My previous spouse was a cheat.
Had a dream I restrained both his feet.
It’s really bazaar,
But in trunk of my car.
I had bags that were drained of concrete!
Crimes: Burglary
The burglars barged in, they were tough.
Their voices were scary and gruff.
They stole my possessions,
Used filthy expressions.
Then came back with some up-to-date stuff.
The Crime of Burglary: oops!
The burglars barged in; they were tough.
Their voices were scary and gruff.
They used filthy expressions.
And stole my possessions.
Then replaced them with up-to-date stuff.
The lawyer was coming to grips.
Of her thug’s conversational slips.
Control of defendant,
Completely dependent.
On keeping the gag on his lips.
The Tourist Gets Arrested.
I drove through Montana at night.
And what a real breath-taking sight.
But then came a cop.
Who told me to stop.
Cuz I didn’t go through a red light.
It’s no wonder I acted quite stroppily
When accused of a life led improperly.
Yes, there’s truth in the tale
That I spent time in jail,
But it was in a game of Monopoly.
So they say I’ve committed a crime
By coercing some words into rhyme.
If the rhymes in this lim-
erick truly are crim-
inal, hey, I’m prepared to do time.
There once was a Frenchman on a cruise
His bald head did display a big bruise
The man bid me adieu
I said “Right back to you.”
He then jumped off the ship quite confused.
The oil tanker sounded all rude,
And the words from within it were lewd.
The one explanation
For this situation?
The oil in that tanker was crude.
A biologist tried to feed streusel
To a panda; was met with refusal.
Bear rejected the food
‘Cause the offer was crude.
He found pandas are hard to bamboozle.
By some critics Picasso was booed;
They proclaimed his work shocking and crude:
“Four arms no one minds,
But what’s this? TWO behinds?!”
He had painted himself in the nude.
It takes two hands to handle my whopper.
Said a young man who thought it proper.
His girlfriend said rude,
and so very crude.
Besides it’s quite average, was her stopper.
A young man, totally nude.
Robbed a bank for money accrued.
Some looked with lust,
Others with disgust.
A dude, in the nude, is just rude.
In Latin and also in Greek,
I admit, I have always been weak.
But when in the mood
To really be crude
In Old Norse I can curse a blue streak.
On the Argo on which I once crewed
Angry storm clouds aplenty accrued,
And the wind rocked the boat.
Yet, we did stay afloat.
Poseidon can really be rude.
“That skylark is raucous and crude”,
Complained Shelley. “It’s ruined my mood,
So I’ll trap and de-plume it,
And then I’ll consume it –
But should it be roasted, or stewed?”
Crime: Murder! “How Do You Plead?”
Judge looked at me very askance.
I knew how I’d plead in advance.
“Mrs. Jones, did you kill
Your dear husband Bill?”
I replied, “Well, I may have, perchance.”
A teen with a high expectation.
Was greeted with much jubilation.
She sang in the nude,
Which some thought was crude.
But her form, an immodest sensation
“Border Patrol”
We drove through the border with speed.
Then the guard yelled, “You must not proceed!
“Any firearms, knives,
That could harm people’s lives?”
We answered, “How much do you need?”
Over years, through my tears, I’ve accrued
Female vocals in great plenitude.
So at Christmas (it’s silly)
I always play Billie
To get into the Holiday mood.
“Where The Buffalos Roam”
In a “give me a home” kinda’ mood,
I moved, and my life was renewed.
“Are you from the Northeast?”
Asked the Sacred Heart priest.
“Cuz your language is shamefully crude.”
Let’s commit the perfect crime.
I’ll steal your heart, oh so fine.
Then if you please,
With so much ease,
You my dear, can then steal mine.
“I’m proposing a heist, hear me though it.
We should all seize the day, – let’s not rue it.”
From my plan that ensued
Their interest accrued
To the point where they all cried “Let’s DO it!”
I said “Let’s storm a bank, like Piranhas”.
They said “Sure! – but we think you’re Bananas”.
Now the fruits of our haul
From the bank in the mall
Fund our ripe old age in the Bahamas.
I said “Let’s rob a bank” to my gang.
They replied “Are you MAD!? We could hang.”
They were quite right of course,
All we had was a horse
And toy gun with a flag that said BANG!
A Law That’s Still On The Books: Do NOT Call Anyone In New Jersey
When “The Sopranos” Is On, Or You WILL Be Arrested!
“The Sopranos” HBO Series, 1999-2007 , Crime Drama (real nasty)
“The Sopranos” sure made a connection
With people who had no objection
To words that were crude.
We in Jersey all viewed
That language as love and affection.
He was having a wonderful time,
The show to old ears was sublime;
No off-color patter,
Or atonal clatter–
He grooved to the rhythm of mime.
The day I was caught was a bitch.
Told no one that I was the snitch.
The men of the crew
All wanted to screw
Their wives need to know why they itch.
My father-in-law had good news,
But he said, “I’m not giving you clues.”
Well, guess what I got !
He went out and bought
Me a pair of “High Style” cement shoes!
When the trains in New York were policed,
The crime on the subways decreased.
In a very short while,
In that famed “New York Style”
The crime on the busses increased.
Advice from lawyer to client:
They arrest. “Don’t confess,” I expressed.
He confessed, from the stress. Did my best.
“If you fumble the soap,
Please, don’t be a dope.
“Bar of Zest, let it rest,” I suggest.
quotation mark in wrong place
Advice from lawyer to client:
They arrest. “Don’t confess,” I expressed.
He confessed, from the stress. Did my best.
“If you fumble the soap,
Please, don’t be a dope.
Bar of Zest, let it rest,” I suggest.
Someone stole my new iPhone and I’m
Gonna tell the police ’bout the crime.
If the cops catch the thief,
You should see my belief:
That it’s likely the thief could face time.
I have never seen electricity!
“Chicago Utility’s” rude.
They’re claiming that I have accrued
25 years of power,
Which is many an hour.
But where is it? C.U. I have sued.
The Crewneck Sweater Ruse
The Spring’s almost here, and my mood
Is crazed; I’m becoming unglued.
The “Turtleneck Shops”
Are snipping the tops.
Those crewnecks are falsely acrewed.
Defendant has credible alibi.
Shown teaching her Zumba. A Lie?
Discovered the lynchpin,
Has identical twin.
But, which one is which, who should fry?
As a cop, my old man is no honey;
He’s so righteous it’s not even funny.
I’ll throw pants in the wash
Without checking for dosh,
And he’ll bust me for laundering money.
Crime And Crude
A cop here in town was real shrewd.
Many criminals he had pursued.
Not to put them in jail,
But to follow their trail.
And learn how to be unjustly crude.
One must be loyal all of the time.
Even when one’s defending a slime.
Donald Trump has his way,
Thus, it’s truthful to say
That Pence was his partner in crime.
It’s Christmas crime again folks.
Cynical?…..Me?…..)
Reminiscing ‘bout old Christmas time
And the ways we could spend our last dime.
Now a silent display
sucks our money away, –
At least Tills ripped us off with a chime.
We’re SO cool!
We held up the bank with no fuss.
When it all went pear-shaped,- not a cuss!
Driver (Pete) got ‘cold feet’
And took off down the street,
So we waited half-hour for a bus.
This case didn’t really make sense.
The ambience: very intense.
Aunt Millicent’s bloomers
Were stirring up rumors.
And jailed for a hanging offence.
“Good Will Hunting”, the movie accrued,
An abundance of language that’s lewd.
It was often by Matt,
Fricking this, fricking that,
I bleeped it all, Mom more subdued.
A hungry young child in a cot
Used to pick at its nose quite a lot.
Said its mother, “How crude.
D’you think that stuff’s food?”
“I know,” said the child, “That it’s not.”
He wanted to set up a tryst
With one who had barely been kissed.
The meeting was set;
And that’s how he met
A vice cop he couldn’t resist.
Her method’s unfailingly shrewd;
She’ll say something naughty and crude.
That’s how it begins;
As seductiveness wins.
When lewd sets the mood, then you’re screwed.
A man robs a bank with a gun,
And everyone there starts to run.
But I must be frank.
What’s robbing a bank
Compared to the founding of one?
(In collaboration with Bertolt Brecht)
A big bruiser was brashly outspoken,
In a cruiser with cops in Hoboken.
He confessed he viewed jaws
In the way he did laws —
“Those big traps were all meant to be broken!”
With Y2K stock he’d accrued,
He felt his investment was shrewd.
The one firm he chose
Was still marketing those
Cassette tapes where movies were viewed.
A rude nude in a mood lewd and crude
Stalked a dude who she thought should be wooed.
But the dude, – who’s a prude
Did not want to be screwed
Or (for that matter) stalked, so he sued.
Changing Jobs (crime)
There just ain’t no skill that I lack.
Used to rob, shove the goods in a sack.
But now I do “hits”
And I think it just fits,
Cuz stealing was killin’ my back.
But now I do “hits”
And for me, it just fits.
Cuz stealing was ‘killin my back.
Well, THAT was an obvious mistake! Sorry! “Crime”
There just ain’t no skill that I lack.
Used to rob, shove the goods in a sack.
But now I do “hits”
It’s a job that sure fits.
Cuz stealing was killin’ my back.
Why is it that, time after time,
I can’t get the right words to rhyme?
Has part of my brain
Succumbed to the strain
From the lack of a basic enzyme?
I’m non-violent, warm-hearted, and wise.
And the sort who would never tell lies.
But I’m always ignored.
So I’d like a reward,
And would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
It’s Halloween! Get in the mood!
Come to “Costumes”, don’t sit home and brood!
But, please, not real soon.
Maybe sometime in June.
Cuz now we’re not skeleton crewed.
I danced in the street in the nude
It seems my behavior was leud
The judge was not pleased
So he had me seized
For misdemeanors accrued
Recovering lawyer, Miss Kane,
Has a limerick writing domain.
The work that’s accrued,
Can be tame or is crude.
But, often the humor’s profane.
“My Metaverse, I must conclude,”
Said Zuck, “Will be virtually crewed,
By workers for free
Who all look like me.”
And even his avatar booed.
Apologizing for poor word choice
Recovering lawyer, Miss Mad.
Does limerick writing, a tad.
Did not mean, too profane,
I examined my brain.
A good level of dirty, I’m glad
They started a family feud;
With insults both nasty and crude.
So now, when we gather,
The rest of us rather
Toss salad to lighten the mood.
“Though we’re poor, let’s get married,” said Nate.
We’ll pinch pennies and save. Let’s not wait!”
Then he boosted her car,
Though he didn’t get far.
Now he’s doing a nickel upstate.
A wrecking ball known as The Donald
Demolished the party of Ronald.
It happened each time
He committed a crime;
Then had his impeachment McConnelled.
“Route” in the Eastern U.S. rhymes with toot.
“Route” in the Midwest rhymes with out.
I am using the Eastern pronunciation. (the right one, LOL)
Crime: Selling Drugs
“Hey pal, if you hand me some loot,
I will sell you some very cool zoot.
It’ll get you nowhere,
But you surely won’t care.
You’ll be takin’ the real scenic route.”
For Yiddish sports fans.
In baseball they asked him to bunt.
In football they told him to punt.
His mom every time
Said: “What’s the big crime?
Don’t kvetch, my son. Abi gesunt.”
“I first dallied with crime when I brewed
My own beer. Though my efforts were crude
Yet the vintage was strong
(Which is where I went wrong)
And I burgled a house – in the nude.”
Minor improvements on earlier version.
Inch by inch, ounce by ounce, I accrued,
Till my ‘friend’ was eclipsed when I viewed.
Lost to sight, but not clutch,
So, we still keep in touch,
But we need to see friends, lest we brood.
Said a farmer, “With style I’m imbued
And I hate anything that is crude.”
Until, in his soil,
He discovered crude oil
And from it a fortune accrued.
Will Shakespeare once got really stewed
And danced on the stage in the nude.
His sayings were numerous –
None of them humorous;
Just blasphemous, racist and crude.
Young Cedric stood up in the dock,
Accused of misusing his –er– manhood.
What he got for his crime
Was some “Old Sparky” time –
Which certainly came as a shock!
In my vineyard I watched as some apes
Ate my unripe and sour-tasting grapes.
But karma sublime
Attended this crime –
When the gripes bent them into odd shapes.
There was a young lady called Tina,
Who one day received a subpoena.
It said that her name
Was a crime – such a shame,
Since her name was Miss Tina de Meena.
(Poor old Miss de Meena.)
If you watch girls disrobe it’s sublime –
But a Peeping Tom gets prison time.
And when roles are reversed
The poor chap’s still cursed –
Exposing yourself is a crime!
The murder hadn’t gone as he planned.
The electric chair, the judges demand.
The Chaplin then pressed,
For his last request.
He said will you please hold my hand.
When you purchase a gun for your son
And he then offs his schoolmates for fun
Please do not act surprised
When you’re roundly despised
And find out you’ve got nowhere to run.
Dick admits he can be a bit crude
But his dick, when it starts to protrude.
Gets a mind of its own
And just has to be blown.
And his cock shot just has to get spewed.
The first witness opined, “He was lewd.”
“In what way,” asked the judge. “He was nude!
And he said I could swing
On his fine ding-a-ling,
But I told him, ‘No way – lest he wooed.”
The physical body in court.
Not functioning right, last resort.
While symptoms accrued,
And Docs can’t conclude.
That body arraigned, no retort.
Join the army; you mustn’t delay.
Just remember, you have to obey.
On the job, you might meet
Some guys who are neat.
Follow orders, and blow them away.
Why is it that, time after time,
I can’t get the right words to rhyme?
Has part of my brain
Succumbed to the strain,
From the lack of a basic enzyme?
Whenever things sink below prime,
You can count on the rabbi each time;
No moaning “Oy vey,”
He brightens the day,
With an all-purpose, cheerful “l’chaim!”
Just what does your attic include?
Take a peek and you surely will brood.
If you climb up that rope,
You will feel like a dope
When you see all that crap you’ve accrued.
Mrs. Malaprop, breathless and nude,
To her husband said something quite crude.
As they lay there in bed,
He’d misheard what she’d said.
She sighed, “Goodness! I’ve been misconscrewed!”
My cousin is freaked out by mimes.
That fact could enable fun rhymes.
His career, I conclude,
Once pantomimed crewed.
Were involved with the grisliest crimes.
To Christine:
I read in the “Pantomime Times”
‘Bout your cousin’s aversion to mimes.
These egregious transgressions
Left lasting impressions,
And were known as “The Silencer Crimes”
Revisionist Mythology
King Perses of Colchis did fleece
The Argonaut, Jason of Greece.
He swiped, so I’m told,
Jason’s fleece made of gold.
And then married Medea, his niece.
(Actually Medea murdered her uncle.)
When Paris abducted fair Helen,
The Greeks, to a man, all were yellin’
“That’s a crime in our book!”
But they all failed to look.
‘Twas love that those foolish kids fell in.
One of Sammy’s ridiculous goals
Was to swindle naive trusting souls.
He would sell them big sacks
Which contained empty packs.
And say they were “fresh donut holes.”
Crime: Fraud!
There’s a shortage of cream cheese? Boo Hoo!
Well, here’s what the delis could do:
Elmer’s glue’s also white.
They can spread it just right.
Their lips will be sealed. They can’t fight!
I’m not into sports, I watch gangs.
I just love hearing all the harangues.
“Gang South’s” gonna make it.
This year they will take it.
They’ve got a great coach known as “Fangs”
They’ll win the “Gang Series” and when
It’s over they’ll be envied men.
Can’t wait till the day
That I’ll shout, “Hip Hooray”
And watch them on ESPN.
Above limerick implied they are NOT a sports team. I want to make it sound like they are, so it makes more sense:
“They’re Making The Finals” (crime)
My favorite sport is called gangs.
I just love hearing all the harangues.
“Gang South’s” ‘gonna make it.
This year they will take it.
They’ve got a great coach known as “Fangs”
They’ll win the “Gang Series” and when
It’s over, they’ll be famous men.
Can’t wait till the day
When I shout, “Hip Hooray”
And see them on ESPN.
The Mob had his statue erected
For his ‘Joint account service’ perfected.
But their later mistrust
Revealed They’d gone bust,
Now his bust’s gone, – his joints disconnected.
Lisi, you’re brilliant! “The Pantomime Times,”
a very small niche circulation
The infamous murderous mimes,
With story revealed in the “Times.”
Have egos inflate.
Are delighted to date.
But won’t audibly verbalize crimes.
I was caught by insomniac haze.
Been awake now, completely two days.
The exhaustion accrues,
Thought process is skewed.
Are there magical sleeping p.j.’s?
A few nights, I wish those p,j.’s were real!
We know meal prep for cavemen was crude —
They went out and slew monsters for food.
One look at a fossil
Shows groc’ries weren’t docile.
All boiled down, it meant chew or be chewed.
“Youse are criminals” the old harpy spewed
At the teller who looked like a prude
“For today is the day
I demand that you pay
My 2 cents which has duly accrued”
They strut into office all crude.
The gangsters are instantly glued.
What’s up, it sure stinks?!
Their eyes, watery blinks.
Good, no body expired, old food.
Before going to court the first time
To do laundry she had not a dime.
Her dress was all silty,
So she had to plead guilty.
Yes, poverty is a big crime.
I’m devoid of ideas and could scream.
This catastrophe’s milked my esteem .
Dud Lims (I’ve accrued)
Won’t make me ‘Ace Dude’
Or a Lim’rick-off Cat-with-the-cream.
Crime News, – Just in:
Missing winemaker Shamus McPhee
Has been found in a vat of Chablis.
Fed’ Forensics have said
The Mob left him for dead
But he’d climbed out three times for a pee!
A criminal is seldom viewed,
By loot of which he has accrued.
He struts with much vigor,
With finger on trigger.
He’s judged, by how tough, and how crude.
This attempt, no sublime paradigm
Of a verse, makes me wonder if I’m
Really crafting this time
A true rhyme out of “crime,”
Or just making a crime out of rhyme.
(inspired by Terry’s “I’m Devoid of Ideas” genre) :)
It’s a mystery! Still makes me brood.
Tell me who murdered young Edwin Drood.
‘Cause as the plot thickens,
The author, Charles Dickens,
Just went off and died.That was rude.
Advice from lawyer to client:
Attitude calm, not defiant.
So, smile at the jury.
“Hell hath no fury . . .”
And swallow vision of suppliant.
Murdered cheating husband
Advice from lawyer to client”
“Attitude calm, not defiant.
Hell hath no fury . . .
So, smile at the jury.
And swallow the vision of suppliant.”
In Rome you must act like a Roman.
In Tokyo best sing like Cio-Cio-san.
In good old New York
You can act like a dork.
You’ll be killin’ it. That much I know, man.
“Jaywalking’s a crime in this town…”
The sheriff explained with a frown.
“But, why must that be?”
Asked his new deputy;
“Can’t horses and buggies slow down?”
Surrounded by all of her brood
she cackled with an attitude
never saying things nicely
she came off quite icily
Man this chick is some kind of crude
A lady, from near the Levant,
Used to pose in a tableau vivant.
With the cash she accrued
From each pose (in the nude)
She repaid a loan from her aunt.
“If you come up to my place,” she cooed,
I’ll do stuff that’s quite nasty and crude.”
I thought, “Wow! That sounds fine!”
Then we sat down to dine…
And she opened her mouth as she chewed.
I wonder at times why some women’ll
Hook up with a life-sentenced criminal.
True, no bills are accrued,
And the guys cook the food.
Ah, mysterious love — so subliminal!
Criminals today are high tech.
In a sec they can leave you a wreck.
They’ll steal your identity,
And ruin your serenity.
You need constantly to double-check.
Writing lyrics, the art — I’ll renew it.
It would be a crime not to do it.
Now that Sondheim is gone,
His mantle I’ll don.
You cry “hubris”? To that I say, “Screw it!”
A double entendre’s a hoot.
It might not be “Art”, but that’s moot.
But listen up, dude!
It’s no crime to be crude,
And you might just be honored to boot.
It was a crime, what did I do?
Walked into a room without a clue.
Didn’t want to presume,
But it was the bathroom.
That narrowed it down to one or two.
I lock windows, bolt doors, close my blinds.
The world’s crazy, you know, takes all kinds.
Once precautions are met,
And alarms duly set,
I start binge-watching “Criminal Minds.”
Covid’s a war crime that calls for,
Social distance, masks, and more.
Staying home is the key,
Watching TV.
I’ve been training all my life for this war.
I stole from the rich cos I’m poor
And “Possession’s nine tenths of the law”
So by logic extending
(Myself I’m defending):
My Forty bucks fine should be Four.
In English English(!) 1, 2 & 5 rhyme:
Por, Lor, For.
Attention all Limerick-Off Stragglers: The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
At a Mystery Night meet-and-greet,
Where we “crime-solvers” eat and compete,
For being the winner,
I got a free dinner.
The real mystery, though, was the meat.
In the oil patch she’s done ev’ry dude,
And with many base traits she’s imbued.
Other gals there are kind,
Thoughtful, smart, and refined,
But not her. She’s called “West Texas Crude.”
The murder were murdered because
They all had those “naughty bird” flaws.
Although he protested,
The perp was arrested.
The policemen had probable caws.
(crows)
My premiums clearly a crime.
They continue to nickel and dime.
Just staying alive,
‘Til I am sixty-five.
Then shelling out slashed by that time.
Hopefully!
Hi Sjaan (Dec.12), and Thanks (I think!?) :-)
I’m glad my rhyme kindled your drive
To create and continue to thrive.
You rhyme fine all the time,
But I wonder if Mine
Is what Really inspired your Line Five?
:)
Correction from November 28th. at 6:51 PM
The “Shes” are too confusing.
“N.J. law prohibiting garbage disposals in most counties” (true)
Well, Josephine could have been kinder.
But she told all the cops where to find’er
Ann’s in prison for life.
Ev’ry day she feels strife.
(Pleaded “Guilty” for owning a grinder.)
Sherlock Holmes, that detective trendsetter,
Yearned for crimes that would test his grey matter.
Evil schemes tied in knots,
All with murderous plots,
And the more involuted, the better.
The policeman, perplexed to the core,
Shook his head at the boy. Said once more,
“You look so out of place
With that seraphic face.”
Then he closed and he locked the cell door.
True story.
“It’s the halo effect. Folks believe
You’re an angel. They cannot conceive
That Your visage seraphic –
With which you stop traffic –
Could be part of some scheme to deceive.
It was boasted by criminal Melanie
That she’d carried out each class of felony.
Crimes murdery, arsony,
Fraud, theft and larceny
Made an impressive miscellany.
Is it really a crime to be crude?
All it takes is one sensitive prude,
To feel some how triggered
By words ill-considered
And a writer may find he’s been sued.
I suppose you may think that I’m crude
To work on this verse while I’m nude.
But the thought came to me,
That a lewd rhyme should be
Something to do while I screwed.
But sweet loving wife is a prude
And screwing was not in her mood.
So shower instead,
Lewd thoughts in my head,
These verses did promptly exude.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 484. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Space.
A glutton named Henry the first
Found himself at a banquet immersed,
In lampreys galore,
He unsoberly swore
“These eels are really the worst.”