Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: Cruise or Crews or Cruse at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: November 27, 2021)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using Cruise or Crews or Cruse at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to Retirement, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best Retirement-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on November 28, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, November 27, 2021, at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my CRUISE or CREWS or CRUSE-rhyme limerick:
My muse often gives me the blues.
When I ask her for help, she’ll refuse.
She’ll mock me and roast me
And frequently ghost me.
She’s AWOL right now — on a cruise.
And here’s my RETIREMENT-themed limerick:
“It is best to acknowledge the truth
And retire; you’re way past your youth,”
Said a gal to her spouse,
Who’s a dentist. “Don’t grouse!
Just face facts: You are long in the tooth.”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Age Verse, Aging, Aging Limerick, Aging Verse, Competition Limerick, Creative Limerick, Creativity Humor, Dentist Humor, Dentist Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Marriage Humor, Marriage Limerick, Muse Humor, Muse Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Retirement Humor, Retirement Limerick, Tooth Humor, Writer's Block, Writing & Publishing Humor, Writing Limerick, Writing Prompts
We had taken a luxury cruise,
But my friend had drunk far too much booze.
They cried “Man overboard!”
And a ravenous horde
Of white sharks came to check the good news.
A control on my car labeled ‘Cruise’
Is very intriguing to use
I press it and ZIP!
I’m there on a ship
With swimming pools, buffets, and booze!
If you were to tell me the news
That Mssrs. Travolta and Cruise
Wanted to rap
About spiritual crap
I couldn’t possibly choose.
U3A
For retirees now active and free,
U3A is the cool place to be.
Their orgies are great, –
(av’rage turnout is Eight)
But the highlight is Afternoon Tea!
Some retire, and their future is clear.
They’re a gracious and kind volunteer.
I will candidly vouch,
I’m established on couch.
With the TV remote, and a beer.
I just heard ’bout a home builder who’s
Doing planning for hiring some crews
Who will dig foundations.
News received ovations
Because home building’s ground-breaking news.
We retirees sure have a ball.
We meet at “Executive Hall”
And discuss current news,
Exchange different views,
You can find us at “Grand Bagel Mall.”
The Senator Toxic Ted Cruz
Is known for intolerant views.
So Texans, please vote!
Don’t merely emote
Over slurs that you hear in the news.
That feast at mid-day in the sun
Was great, and the fun’s just begun.
On this fabulous cruise
There’s just no time to snooze.
Cuz we’re starved, (haven’t eaten since one)
I admit that my job was alright.
Yet, not a real thrilling delight.
Tomorrow I’m done!
Now it’s time to have fun,
And finally see “Price Is Right”
Oops! Please delete previous version (Lay/lie)
Reminiscing in Retirement
The nurse said lie still while I measure
For the surgeon, – he’ll fix up your ‘Treasure’
Since our bedroom mishaps
And the dance-pole collapse
It’s just mem’ries (straight up) that give Pleasure.
More Reminiscing in Retirement.
Remember? You knelt to propose,
In the snow, with a drip on your nose,
I found it endearing
(I too started tearing)
On my back while you slipped off my hose’ .
A sea trip is such a delight.
The ocean’s a calm tranquil sight.
When you’re on that nice cruise,
Hurry up and peruse
All the ports that are un-safe at night.
Retirement! What a great life!
No more hassle, no conflicts, no strife!
The world feels so sweet!
And to make things complete
Tomorrow, I’m leaving my wife.
Be wary of whom you will choose
To marry, he might be bad news.
And if you’re 32,
You’ll surely feel blue
If the one you have picked is Tom Cruise.
(who divorced his all his wives when they were 33)
On a cruise to remote Vera Cruz
We gathered on deck just to schmooze.
Some cold margaritas
Were abundant to greet us,
And the captain I always would cruise.
The credit card companies choose
The folks who have steady reviews.
And when you are fired,
They’re strangely inspired
To grin and your interest accrues.
Oops! Rewrite
The credit card companies choose.
The people without “income blues”
And when you are fired,
They’re strangely inspired
To grin as your interest accrues.
(… an old one)
Scientology gained a big wheel
When Tom Cruise declared “Hey, it is real!”
But his fans were less certain
And pulled down the curtain,
Complaining he lacked sects’ appeal.
There’s a guy, his name’s Josh Dela Cruz
And he hosts the re-boot of Blue’s Clues!
I give thanks from my heart
To who gave him the part
In “Blue’s Clues & You” – YOU’RE my new muse.
Penélope Cruz and Tom Cruise
Once were partners, I heard on the news.
If he asked her to wed
Here’s what she may have said:
“Change my name to Cruz-Cruise? I refuse!”
Recent Medical check up results.
Your Limerick’s weak! – blown a grommet.
Put Some of this ointment upon it.
I did , – for a week.
Now I’m nearing my peak
But my Lim’rick’s grown into a Sonnet!
There once was a man on a cruise
who had trouble controlling his booze.
He claimed he heard “Open bar!”
That did not get him far,
so he dove to avoid all his dues.
I needed the garage’s wares,
So I’d taken my car for repairs.
“Please re-tire this car.”
They replied “Right you are.”
When I went back, they’d sold it for spares!
If he’d known there’d be watered-down booze;
Rowdy queues at the unisex loos;
Huge overstuffed trunks;
Two castaway skunks —
Noah would have said “no” to the cruise.
Announcement
There’s a fire, but no need to panic.
We’ve hired a wretched mechanic.
On this “Netherworld Cruise”
He’s a real well-trained ruse.
Warm greetings from “S.S. Satanic.
Rewrite
“There’s a fire, but no need to panic.
We don’t even need a mechanic.
On this “Netherland Cruise”
There ain’t nothin’ to choose.
Warm greetings from “S.S. Satanic”
We’re booking the “Hook’ n High Seas.”
It’s a cruise where crocheting’s the tease.
But the action on cruise,
Was with husband and flooz.
The hooker was hooking high fees.
At first, I admit that I fought’er,
But fine’ly convinced my sweet daughter
To go on the cruise
“Where there’s food and good booze
It’s kinda’ like Walmart on water.”
A man setting off on a cruise
Understood there was no time to lose.
The problem was plain
When it started to rain
As he boarded Earth’s critters by twos.
Retired and now in the doctor’s care.
Was asked for samples stool, urine, and hair.
He asked his wife, hay.
What did they say?
She said they want your underwear.
Retirement isn’t really boring.
My bum’s asleep every morning.
I know it’s not dead
For my wife said
That she could then hear it snoring.
At my job, there was outrageous tension.
Ev’ry day, I felt such apprehension.
But, yeah! now I’m done.
The “good life’s” begun!
“Goodbye tension, Hello Mr. Pension.”
S.S. Plungline” will always promote:
“Take a trip on our very big boat.
This is such a great cruise,
You can jump, if you choose.
And with all of that food, you’ll still float.”
Every Word True “My Wonderful Husband”
Hubby Stan, never gave me the blues.
For me, there’s not much he’d refuse.
But Golly! his hair
Surely didn’t have flair.
Always wore out-of-date 50’s crews.
(1944-2019)
“Crews” (sweaters, that is) “The 60’s Look”
In high school, I often wore crews.
With a cute pleated skirt, couldn’t lose!
Then a swift diagnosis
Of bad scoliosis
Caused another bug: “Turtleneck Blues”
(to hide the brace)
My companion, the pirate, would roam.
I was anxious to head to my home.
Was loving the cruising,
But bedtime, no snoozing.
No stopping the Restless-Peg Syndrome.
The hooker had made enough dough,
And she felt a most virtuous glow
When she chose to retire
And join the church choir.
Her favourite composer? John Blow.
Retirement is good for our hearts
As long as we all use our ‘smarts’
to stay fit and well
And reduce that weird smell
that Identifies us as ‘Old Farts’
I’m looking about for a muse,
Driving round Hollywood’s views.
I’m keen on, especially,
One Lady Penelope …
That’s settled, I’ll go for a Cruz.
Retirement? You workers can scoff,
As we creak and we stumble and cough.
But if you examine a
Pensioner’s stamina;
Be impressed – we don’t take a day off!
The airlines have vigilant crews.
If you cross them you will surely loose.
So finish your task,
But keep on your mask,
Regardless of your covid views.
Last year on a short ocean cruise
The captain had way too much booze.
He headed for land,
Got stuck in the sand,
Not a cruise I would soon choose.
Near Bermuda on a cruise
The captain soon paid his dues.
Ship did about face,
Vanished with no trace.
The triangle chose to confuse.
A French artist emboldened by booze,
Asked a prostitute out on a cruise.
She replied, “Well, Lautrec —
Oh, hell, what the heck.
I really have nothing to lose.”
Congrats, your a hundred and one.
Reminisce and enjoy the warm sun.
I saw you on telly
Celebrating with jelly
Did I mention your fly was undone !?
“Christmas Gifts”
Got a “gift pack” of pricey shampoos.
(The brands I just never will use)
So I got a big sack,
And took them all back
To that beautiful town, Santa Cruz.
A Short History of Men’s Hairstyles
(For Lisi)
In the fifties those short bristly crews,
Were the dos that “real men” liked to choose.
When the mid-sixties hit,
Guys who liked Cousin Itt,
Then stopped cutting their hair, changed their views.
Too Late For Brooklyn
I retired, and now I am free.
But I’m 90! I hardly can see!
Way back in the day
Boy, did I go astray!
Should-a woirked for Dem Bums (MLB)
(better retirement program)
Just Have To Respond To Sjaan: “The Addams Family”
Sjaan, I just love your great pic.
Loved that show, what a real quirky shtick!
The composer retired,
At an old age expired.
And was also my sweet Uncle Vic.
True, I miss him: Vic Mizzy
Sorry! Above limerick
The last word in line one was supposed to be pick, not pic.
I thought about being retired
From the very first day I was hired.
After time, I sure knew
When the rat race was through
The day that my boss said, “You’re fired.”
On that ship packed with creatures in twos,
With their bellows and roars, neighs and moos,
And their horrible stink,
I could not sleep a wink.
I’d award just one star to that cruise.
“The idea once came into my head
To retire from this site”, Brian said,
“But how else would I fritter
My time (I’m no knitter!)
When I should be working instead?”
There’s a recluse, so quirky on cruise.
No excursions or drinking of booze.
Has obsessive compulsion,
With germs a repulsion.
I am happy providing more clues.
The notorious film was accused. *
of highlighting breasts, he’s amused.
Saw again and again.
For director no strain.
Was done on the ship he just cruised.
Was capricious, with wealth, you excuse.
The eccentric ways, moods and views.
A fabulous flier,
Would never retire.
Of course, it is Howard R. Hughes.
Howard Hughes was a record-setting pilot, engineer, inventor, business mogul, billionaire philanthropist and film director. *The movie was “The Outlaw” starring Jane Russel.
There’s a recluse, so quirky on cruise.
No excursions or drinking of booze.
Has obsessive compulsion,
With germs a repulsion.
I am happy providing more clues.
The notorious film was accused. *
of highlighting breasts, he’s amused.
Saw again and again.
For director no strain.
Was done on the ship he just cruised.
Was capricious, with wealth, you excuse.
The eccentric ways, moods and views.
A fabulous flier,
Would never retire.
Of course, it is Howard R. Hughes.
Howard Hughes was a record-setting pilot, engineer, inventor, business mogul, billionaire philanthropist and film director. *The movie was “The Outlaw” starring Jane Russell.
Retired doctor from pediatrics
Now does magic with much theatrics.
‘Round the city he roams
To some senior folks’ homes.
He’s performing some geriatricks.
To the trainer the retiree did confide.
To make a young girl his bride.
So I don’t loose,
Which machine should I use?
He replied the ATM outside.
Crossed Pinot Blank with Pinot Grigio.
So the need to pee at night was low.
It then was sold,
So I am told,
As Pinot More for retiree’s though.
Retirement:
In his ear where he had laid.
A suppository stayed.
I do declare,
That I know where.
I have put my hearing aid.
All provisions were loaded for cruise.
Some non-rational stuff, and no booze.
The three hours for trip,
Was three seasons of scrip.’
All their failing rescues amused.
Good old “Gillian’s Island.”
Sit right back and you’ll hear a tale. . .
An archeological dig
Is expected to find something big.
Yet here is good news.
They found an old cruse
With medieval mead we can swig.
Nature called and I could not refuse,
But there wasn’t a bathroom to use.
Did I do it or not,
Use my earthenware pot,
And make some good use of that cruse?
The crew on our Carnival Cruise
Seems so rattled. We’re begging for cues.
An impending Titanic?
If so, time to panic?
Or simply start singing the blues?
Your big day’s coming down to the wire!
So please think about what you desire
To do with your time.
In retirement. (Your prime.
may be past but you’ve still got some fire!)
A gal thought she’d take a fun cruise,
Many options; ’twas so hard to choose.
But it wasn’t so great
She was shocked she gained weight.
Unlimited food, too much booze.
Retirement Bliss
Man to wife “windy I fear”.
No it’s not, it’s Thursday, dear.
Then the man sighed,
And soon replied.
So am I, let’s get a beer.
“A Teenage Dream”
I dreamed that I went on a cruise.
All my dresses had nice matching shoes.
I danced with each man.
Lots of flirting began.
And not one of them could I refuse.
I finally said, “Please excuse.”
Put my “jammies” on, kicked off my shoes.
But I just couldn’t rest.
Once again, I got dressed.
Went below and I checked out the crews.
And there, with a surge of desire,
Met a “hunk”, and our hearts were on fire.
He said, “Let’s jump ship;
Take our own private trip.
Get married, and then I’ll retire.
When you’re ready, like me, for retirement
And you fervently seek out inspire-ment
If you’re quick with a rhyme
And somewhat in your prime
Lim’rick License – your only requirement!
International Men’s Day
Friday 19th November 2021
International Men’s Day!? I’ll excuse
myself, – I might snooze on a cruise,
While those TV folk muse
‘bout respecting our dues:
Thirty seconds of fame on The News?
We embarked on a family cruise.
But pirates soon boarded with booze.
They drank and they drank,
And we soon walked the plank.
You would not want to be in our shoes.
Now retired but still good in bed.
I don’t snore or steel covers nuff said.
When I get the urge
I seldom will purge.
I never pee on a bedspread.
Sailing south over depths oceanic,
The polar bears realised, in panic,
That the fate of their cruise
Would be major world news,
As their iceberg had hit the Titanic.
On retirement, I paused to take stock.
Were the company meaning to mock?
My clock-watching ended
That day, and so when did
They give me my own sodding clock?
On retirement, I paused to take stock.
Were the company meaning to mock?
My clock-watching ended
That day, and so when did
They give me my own sodding clock?
Janie said her vacation was great.
She even found someone to date!
It was quite a nice cruise.
But here’s the bad news:
When she came home, she looked like the freight.
In my last limerick 11/18/21 at 1:08
Steel in 2ed line should be steal.
Sailing south over depths oceanic,
The polar bears realised, in panic,
That the fate of their cruise
Would be major world news,
As their iceberg had hit the Titanic.
(If you gimble and gyre
P’haps it’s time to retire).
Doc explained the condition I’m in
That keeps making the room I’m in spin.
It’s called BPPV,
an effect that comes free.
Now I’m saving a fortune on Gin.
“Johnny, age 10, has questions”
“Dad, I kinda’ just drifted away
For part of our lesson today.
Could ‘ya tell me more news
‘Bout this real famous cruise.
Did the Mayflower have a buffet?”
rewrite, better L2: Johnny, age 10, has questions
“Dad, I kinda’ just drifted away
During part of our lesson today.
Could ‘ya tell me more news
‘Bout this real famous cruise?
Did the Mayflower have a buffet?”
The World’s first Bad Back Club’s in our town
For folk who can’t stand, – or sit down.
They come here to float
In a beautiful moat
Where most find relief but some drown.
The urologist said on the cruise,
“Your urine’s the color chartreuse.
The candy addition,
Explains the affliction.”
My “Skittles” were causing those hues.
There was an old king called Chote
Who built himself a big boat,
Then got the blues;
No ocean cruise,
For no exit was there from the moat.
There was an old king called Chote
Who built himself a big boat,
Then got the blues;
No ocean cruise,
For no exit was there from the moat.
Most people would think it is dire
That Trump is an out-and-out liar.
That the man at the peak
Should be ever so weak,
He should be forcibly made to retire.
whoops Line 3 Though, addition kind of works too.
The urologist said on the cruise,
“Your urine’s the color chartreuse.
The candy addiction,
Explains the affliction.”
My “Skittles” were causing those hues.
In the 30’s the world had the blues.
“The Depression” was was very sad news.
But some lives, still sublime.
Guess who had a good time?
King Kong! on his very first cruise!
Apollo, when playing his lyre,
Would love for great music inspire.
He played with much passion,
But went out of fashion.
Rock ‘n roll forced the god to retire.
Santas Barbara, Ana and Cruz
May have charms to delight and amuse,
But for one special quality,
Seasonal jollity,
Claus is the Santa I’d choose.
My new beau, who calls couch a divan,
Will remind me, “It’s SKILLET not pan.”
He says “con job” is ruse,
And a bottle a cruse,
Then he swigs all his beer from a can.
Hi, Lisi. Your Uncle Vic limerick is touching. For real? I’m speechless.
Well, almost.
Victor Mizzy! Your uncle, you say?
“Kooky” “Spooky” and “Ooky”? No way!
So he moved to Bel Air,
And retired out there?
Who’s the mook who said rhyme doesn’t pay?
Entertainment Back In The Day
I’m retired, successful, and rich.
But I grew up real poor, (what a bitch.)
Yet I “went with the flow”
Down the hill I would go,
And throw pebbles right into the ditch.
Part Two: Coney Island: located in the southern part of
Brooklyn, New York and famous for its beach
I’m wealthy now, (have my own cook)
And last year, the wife and I took
A wonderful cruise.
I sure paid my dues.
Back in Coney, I just had a hook.
Sjaan: This is like fate, because it’s true and I can actually get “cruise”
in this limerick.
Yes, Vic Mizzy was my uncle. He had 2 daughters, Patty and Lynn.
Patty, (like her mother, Mary Small)
was a singer, but never “made it big” She could really “belt it out” too.
(lots of talent in that family) She lived with us in New Jersey for a while.
And so help me God, this limerick is true.
Uncle Victor, was “Mr. Show Bizzy”
His Mercedes was sure no “Tin Lizzy”
All us kin heard the news
That on many-a cruise
The singer was “Cuz” Patty Mizzy.
My kinfolk spawned nobody famous
(who would claim us), except uncle Amos.
He drew local attention
By embezz’ling his pension.
So we moved out of town. Can you blame us?
As San Jose kids, it was said,
A girl caught her locks, some had spread.
On ‘coaster in ‘Cruz,
The Blood and the ooze.
So long, to the top of her head.
My brothers and I grew up in San Jose ( near “Cruz” ) , and were told this urban myth. It referred to the old wooden roller coaster at the beach and boardwalk in Santa Cruz. It’s probably still circulating to this day.
A new movie led by Tom Cruise
With a title of “Real Fake News,”
Shows an ex-President, gone,
Who will refuse to move on
And continues to falsely accuse.
I met a young gal on a cruise;
She’s a lawyer, a cook, and a flooze.
Yes, this set-up is lame
And this punch line’s the same:
She’s a woman who sues, stews, and screws.
Correction of 11-19 6:16 p.m. entry:
My kinfolk spawned nobody famous
(who would claim us), except uncle Amos.
He drew local attention,
Embezz’ling a pension.
So we moved out of town. Can you blame us?
Retirement And the Ironies Of Life:
“I was free, at long last, to devote
All my time to restoring my boat.
The expenses surprised
And I’ve now been advised,
‘Get a job – it will keep you afloat.’”
seventy Nine friends and I (with desire)
Formed an octogenarian choir
In our favourite song
Betty bangs a large gong
As we sing Come On Babe Light My Fire!
There’s no Way that I’ll ever retire
Cuz my debt’s getting higher and higher
Now I’m feeling the heat
From a loan shark named Pete
As I leap from the pan to the fire.
Advice To Seniors: “Hello?”
If you think you might hear a trombone,
With a maddening, ear-splitting tone,
You have not won a cruise.
It’s a “senior dupe ruse”
Hurry up, Mildred! Hang up the phone.
I always look forward to Sunday.
Come what may, it is really a “fun day.”
Now I’m fully retired,
And no longer required
To be miserable ev-er-y Monday.
I’m loving the lim’ricks a blast.
But a darkening pall, has been cast.
My writing on cruise,
Accrues and accrues.
This marriage, not sure it will last.
Crunching The Numbers
This job is sure makin’ me cry.
Can’t wait for my final good bye.
But the figures now show
I really can’t go
Till 20 years after I die.
Tony Bennett
Now retired, indulged in a cruise.
(New perspectives, new mindset and views.)
Met a very nice lady.
I called her “Sweet Katie”
Oh boy, how we both loved to schmooze.
I loved Katie right from the start.
Trip was over, we hated to part.
Came home, watched the news:
“Found on “Golden Gate Cruise”
“Someone left a real sad pining heart.”
I bought a magnificent cruse.
From mysterious Howard R. Hughes.
We briefly did meet,
Was well-dressed and sweet.
But the boxes of Kleenex as shoes?
He was a well-known germaphobe, and believed the boxes would protect his feet from germs.
A Re-Write from November 16, 11:19 PM
“What Really Happened”
I thought about being retired
The very first day I was hired.
In a short time, I knew
When the rat race was through
The day Mr. Trump said, “You’re Fired.”
Re: Tired.
An insomniac wryly once said,
I won’t even sleep when I’m dead.
Then a cough in the coffin
they carried him off in
Confirmed that he meant what he said.
“Busy Henry”
I’m retired, and havin’ a ball.
(Day in and day out, at the mall)
And when I get there,
I sit in a chair.
Relax, and do nothin’ at all.
Pre-retirement advice:
“Get a hobby,” my counsellor said.
“Better yet, get a boat and a shed.
You must stimulate mind
And stay off your behind –
Either that, or go early to dead.”
“Ring Ring, Hello?”
“Retirees won’t get a bill.
Yet our honest establishment will
Need just one more fact
To keep things intact.”
Now give them the wrong figure, Phil.
The captain had nothing to lose,
Pretend that it’s just a cruise.
It’s his last trip,
He’ll sink the ship,
And enjoy his last bottle of booze.
Finally Retired At 90 !!
I’m 90, and now I love being
Retired, it just feels so “freeing.”
Since I’m still in my prime,
I now have more time
To rejoice in my cross-country skiing.
Maybe I should retire
But I love my job as a liar,
All the GOP folk say, “Yo,
Stay, please don’t go,
We love it when you’re on fire.”
I’ve planned my retirement well.
Got a place where one day I will dwell.
And I truly am blessed
In Endsville I’ll rest.
The best little suburb of hell.
Or better,
I have planned my retirement well.
Got a place where one day I will dwell
With a permanent lease,
And I’ll soon rest in peace
In the best little suburb of hell.
Retirement predictions 101.
Sunday we’ll rise late and eat Brunch
Clear the table (a bit) then have lunch.
Through the late afternoon
We’ll indulgently swoon, –
Sleep it off ‘til hors d’oeuvres (just a hunch).
I ordered a tropical cruise
But they thought I said Topical Views.
Got a colourful sight, –
Angry pollies all night,
Apoplectic in various hues.
It’s time to retire, for the flooz.
Been aging so swiftly from booze.
The men say farewell,
They are having to quell.
Their lust, with just booze on the cruise.
I’m bewitched with the infamous Hughes.
The pilot and director on cruise.
More odd as he aged,
The obsessions that raged.
Like mine, with this man, he’s my muse.
Well, this is my fifth Howard Hughes limerick this week!
All those who kept up with the news
Increasingly noticed the clues
That Donald T. “Tweet”
Had so much conceit,
He felt there was no need for crews.
One Change: Line 3
All those who kept up with the news
Increasingly noticed the clues
That Know-It-All “Tweet”
Had so much conceit
He felt there was no need for crews.
Nov. 6, 2020 “Retirement”
How dare people call me a schmuck!
It’s just that he had real fake luck.
I better go pack
But I’LL get you back.
I’m only a short-term lame duck.
Mr. Smith always went with the flow.
He worked in the sewer below.
All night and all day
In the manhole he’d stay.
After many years, walked in the snow.
Mr. Nightshift, (“all work and no play”)
Loved his job, always wanted to stay.
After 35 years,
He cried salty tears.
Cuz he knew he should call it a day.
While filming Great Whites (and some Blues)
I saw Trump slip and fall from his cruise.
Should’ve phoned 911
but my Ego said “Son,
just keep Filming, – and Then phone the News”
Now that I’ve feathered my nest
It’s time to give it a rest,
As I’m not only fat,
I’ve got cancer at that,
And I wish that I’d said that in jest.
I had my 401k
And thought I’d be right on the day,
But some fly-by-nighter,
A rotten blighter,
Had siphoned my whole stash away.
similar
“Mr. Nightime”
Mr. Nightime , (all work and no play)
Loved his job, and he wanted to stay.
After 24 years,
He cried salty tears.
Cuz he knew he should call it a day.
Gertrude at Chicago Retirement Home: “I Need More Friends Who Are
My Age”
“I’m Gertrude, and I have a list
Of people to meet, yet I’m pissed.
Not one is retired!
But still, I’m required
To see them, their names end with gist.”
At Goodyear, a quandary quite dire
Triggers the laborers’ ire:
They labor and then
Must labor again
If they should wish to re-tire.
There once was a naughty retiree
Who was horny, obscene, fast and fiery.
Most gals at the center
Would not let him enter
But secretly savored his diary.
I love to just kick off my shoes,
Lean back with a snack and peruse
A new map on my lap,
Of the sea. It’s an app.
I call it the lazy man’s cruise.
I had a real dull occupation.
But now I’ve a strange situation.
Although I’m retired,
I seem to be wired.
Cuz when do I get my vacation?
Better
I had a real dull occupation.
And now I’ve a weird situation.
I’m fine’ly retired.
But quite a bit wired.
Cuz when am I due for vacation?
My Bulldog and I took a cruise.
But the upshot was not such good news.
On the Shuffleboard Deck
Spike was really a wreck.
He just didn’t have flair for the cues.
The Cure For Unhappiness
Ev’ry day, at my job, there was strife.
And frankly, it damaged my life.
When I fine’ly retired,
To the boss, I inquired,
“Do I still get to sleep with your wife?’
All day long, Mrs. “Boss Lady” struts
Like a peacock, (this chick makes me nuts.)
When I fine’ly retired,
To her, I inquired,
“Is it okay to still hate your guts?”
An Italian retirement cruise.
With glorious cities and views.
But, while taking a break,
Knew that statue’s a fake.
Poor David was strewn with tattoos!
Had a medical history ruse.
To meet with the doctor on cruise.
I had every intent,
To come clean with the gent.
But the doctor was female, I lose.
A voyeur was observing the crews
Of the fleet back in port from a cruise.
He found them exotic,
Nay, truly erotic.
Getting hot, he would then self-abuse.
Just hit on a noteworthy number.
Was graceful with movement, now lumber.
My timing to escort,
Is strikingly short.
When I take you to bed, I just slumber.
Ninety days on S.S. Carolina,
On my way to vacay in Lahaina.
Should have known from the clues,
“Transpacific and “cruise”
Is a way to say slow boat to China.
The rat race is over. I’m done.
Retirement, I’ve found, is more fun.
After thousands of days
Running through that damn maze
I had to concede. The rats won.
A little different
One more birthday has hit, a big number.
I once walked with a swagger, now lumber.
Last stint as the escort,
Was awkward and short.
If I take you to bed, I’ll just slumber.
Had to throw one more
Maurice was practically eighty-eight.
And the time, as a lover, was great.
But the elderly gigolo,
Had glitch with his piccolo.
He’s dreading retirement date.
Yo man! Got some really cool news.
You can cancel that Middle East cruise.
If you dig some great food.
There’s a restaurant, dude,
In New York, bringing tastes of the Druze.
(Gazala’s on Amsterdam Ave.)
So glad that I’m fine’ly retired.
Relaxed, and just no longer wired.
Took “The Lyrical Cruise”
I met the “Grand Muse”
Returned, and not one bit inspired.
I carefully read the bequest.
The wife is dismayed and distressed.
With tears to the brim,
Her future looks grim.
Seems Rover’s financially blessed.
So the widow must work, and the dog retires.
Had enough of ‘cool’ jazz in this freeze.
Made some notes to seek tropical breeze.
Got a gig on a cruise
With my horn, – playing blues
And some sizzling high ‘C’s on high seas.
They embarked on a nudist cruise,
Expecting no clothes and much booze.
But didn’t expect
The resulting effect.
Fornication, all ages and hues.
They embarked on a nudist cruise.
Expecting no clothes and much booze.
But didn’t expect
The off-putting effect
Of sagging breasts, beer bellies, tattoos.
They embarked on a nudist cruise.
Expecting no clothes and much booze.
But soon were surprised,
To find such allies.
A willing, participating crew.
Retire today? I say “yup”.
Bet your ass, I will let pass that cup.
Yet, it still worries me
What do I want to be
When one day I will have to grow up.
A visit to heaven? That’s swell.
And side trips are offered as well?
To Hades? Good news!
I’m booking that cruise.
I’ll be on that trip, sure as hell
Coast along, you will not feel tide down.
Please notice you won’t see a frown.
On this wonderful cruise
You can do as you choose.
Don’t make waves. We’ll be shore you don’t drown.
Attention: Captain Speaking!
“On these lifeboats, there’s no need to frown.
I’ve made sure not one person will drown.
Of course, we won’t cruise,
But I’ve got real good news:
The closest land’s just 3 miles down.”
For years, I have been a golf pro.
This passion began years ago.
Although, now I’m retired,
From what I aspired.
My pastime will be status quo.
Oops!
For a long time, I’ve been a golf pro.
This passion began years ago.
Although I’m retired,
From what I aspired,
My pastime will be status quo.
Now retired, I’ve acquired quite a heap
Of old lim’ricks, some deep and some cheap
The big Question I find
Evermore on my mind
Is: Should I write more, – or just sleep?
On boat-race day, one of the crews
Had a coxswain befuddled by booze.
He was too drunk to steer,
And as Cambridge shot clear,
The Dark Blues ended up with the blues.
(In the annual boat race, Cambridge are traditionally referred to as the Light Blues, and Oxford as the Dark Blues.)
There’s more effort for fingers to bend.
My vision has slipped, but intend.
To write, ’til my mind,
Has deeply declined.
At that time, I still might not suspend.
Five years later. . .
My hands are now twisted and jerk.
I speak, and machine does the work.
I’ve become more impaired,
Need more help, and prepared.
To hirer assistant or clerk.
Five years later. . .
At hospice, I’m here with my niece.
One more piece to Miss Mad, then I’ll cease.
My limerick love,
Has fit like a glove.
It’s time to retire, I’m at peace.
I’m actually healthy, happily married
and enjoy my life And there is no plan
to ever retire from writing limericks.
That would be a silly thing to do,
when it’s so much fun.
I will never, it seems, be retired,
I guess planning ahead was required.
I lived for enjoyment,
Chose part-time employment —
Hope Walmart soon tells me I’m hired.
Attention all Limerick-Off Stragglers: The current Limerick-Off ends today, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
In retirement, what could I do?
But Madeleine, dear, then came you.
My life’s new direction
Is verbal confection;
It’s fun, since it seems I can’t screw.
for double duty:
I retired on went on a cruise;
In Cancun I encountered Ted Cruz.
As Texas was freezing,
Some girl he was squeezing
While wifey and kids had a snooze.
Sorry for typo on line 1, should be:
I retired and went on a cruise;
In Cancun I encountered Ted Cruz.
As Texas was freezing,
Some girl he was squeezing
While wifey and kids had a snooze.
When the Love Boat you board for a cruise,
The idea is to more than just schmooze.
Between you and me,
All is kosher at sea;
You can schtupp both the shikses and Jews.
Wheel of Fortune? No way could I lose!
I would guess all those consonant clues.
But things soon ran afoul
When I picked the wrong vowel —
Someone else won the tropical cruise.
Wheel of Fortune’s Caribbean cruise–
I would win that, I just couldn’t lose.
But that ship never landed;
I left empty-handed–
Not even a Vanna White schmooze.
Don’t want to retire when old.
My retirement will need to be bold.
No need to be rich,
I’ll find my niche.
Won’t retire when I am told.
When you’re financially independent.
With resources for any descendant.
Your legacy strong,
Don’t think you were wrong.
Your life will be transcendent.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 483 . Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off CRUDE.